♪ ♪
(overlapping chatter)
(buzzing)
(man yelling in foreign language)
-(overlapping chatter) -(buzzing)
(door slams)
(overlapping chatter and buzzing continue)
♪ ♪
(knocking on door)
(loud pounding on door)
(pounds on door, knob rattles)
(door slides open)
Are you the person of the Honda Civic?
You have me completely pinned in.
Y-- uh, yeah. Yeah, that's mine.
I had meetings scheduled, do you understand?
Now I will have to reschedule them.
I'm sorry. I just--
um... I was gonna move it,
but I fell asleep. Let me just get my shoes and I'll move it.
I'm under a great deal of stress as it is.
I don't need any more provocation.
I really, really don't.
If this keeps up,
I might as well start chain-smoking.
My wife and, uh, kids have been...
irrevocably detained in Munich.
Um... it's an issue
with the immigration and, uh...
I'm lying.
She left me.
She hasn't been so much detained
as she is just not coming back to America.
Neither are the kids.
I'm, uh...
I'm no longer a... I'm no longer a family man.
I'm just a man.
Have you ever been to Germany?
No. Mm-mm, I haven't.
They are miserable people.
They only have one facial expression.
It's kind of like a gassy scowl.
Just pervasive.
Mm-hmm.
-See, here's the thing. -Mm-hmm.
As per the Airbnb contract,
-no one else is really supposed to be here. -Yeah.
This is my dominion. These are my auspices.
The entirety of the grounds...
are my purview.
(quietly): Am I making myself clear?
Yes, very. Crystal.
-Don't you think? -Yes.
And I guess, I really am, when it comes down to it,
I'm just...
You know, I guess I'm concerned about your safety.
Oh...
All those pool parties you're throwing
till the wee, wee hours of the morning and stuff.
And here I am upstairs, just by myself,
in my big, empty, vast chasm.
And I don't want anything, uh, to happen to you or yours
when you're having your little, um...
(clicks tongue loudly three times)
...hootenannies.
And I tell you what,
I think there's something I can do for you.
-Yes, what is that? -Well, let me check on that door up there.
That's a good idea. Check on the door.
-Let me see what's going on up there. -That's a great idea.
Thank you for... checking on the door.
(rattling door)
We're good to go.
(descending stairs)
All secure.
Oh, that's great. Well, thank you very much for dropping by.
And, um, I've heard everything that you have to say,
and, uh, I appreciate your visit.
Well, let me know if you need anything.
Or if your friends need anything.
I'm only a scream away.
All right? It's gonna be a beautiful day.
I'm gonna get out there in it. (pops)
♪ ♪
DAVINA: Hey, girl, it's me.
I really need to talk to you about your Airbnb-er.
He barged into my room,
and he, um, started talking about his wife and his kids,
and he went on this really strange monologue about Germany
and it was very strange. (inhales deeply)
So, um...
if you could give me a call back,
I'd, uh, I'd...
Holy shit. I just realized who he reminds me of:
John Wayne Gacy.
♪ ♪
(birds squawking)
(indistinct conversations)
Do you want some of this gray stuff
or some of this gray stuff?
(spoon tapping)
Thank you.
Shalom.
BRYNA: This is good.
(indistinct conversations)
Well, I don't want to go in the Dead Sea without Ali.
Ooh, didn't think of that.
-Are you texting her now? -Yeah.
BRYNA: Kind of looks like...
I can't get any bars.
T'Chelet.
SHELLY: Resort and Spa.
Ah, there's no bars again.
JOSH: You make a figure eight.
If you do that,
it increases the reception.
-Holy crap. -Can you do this?
-It's terrible. -Can you try to text?
Did you turn the brightness down and turn your Bluetooth off?
-Oh, turn off Maps. Turn off Maps -Well, now
-it's not gonna work. -JOSH: I'm closing literally
every application that she's ever opened
-since she bought the phone. -MAURA: No, no, no.
-I swear to God. -Hello, excuse me.
-Don't wipe. -Yes, yes, it's fine.
-No, n-n-no, it's fine. -He's not erasing.
-We're just... -No, no. -Moppa...
-We're closing applications. -I am reading.
-You don't need to have ten applications. -I'm reading.
You can go back to where you were.
-You can go right back. -Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it.
JOSH: I got it, I'm do-- I already, I already did it.
SARAH: And then go into settings.
Don't erase the Kindle thing.
Wait, so what's the rule here?
We're not erasing anything.
You eat, like, a giant plate of food and then
not wait 15 minutes before you get in the water?
Yeah, you don't have to wait 15 minutes,
because you're gonna float.
You have to wait 15 minutes because you get
a cramp, you double over, you go facedown.
You'll drown. But in saltwater, you just float.
-So you don't have to wait 15 minutes. -That's not true.
That whole thing was a myth about letting your food digest
so that you won't get a cramp.
-What? -It has nothing to do
with how you digest food,
whether or not you're in the water,
those are two different functions of your body.
Let's go float.
(chair squeaks)
So we're going without Ali?
Here we go.
BRYNA: Okay. Come on, kids, let's go.
MAURA: Take your trays.
Up and at 'em, come on.
That mountaintop-- that's sea level, see that?
Right up there.
BRYNA: Is that Jordan?
MAURA: Yeah, that is, that's Jordan.
It's so old.
MOSHE: Had enough to eat, everybody?
-JOSH: Yeah. -MAURA: Delicious.
-BRYNA: Oh, yeah, really good. -Thank you.
MOSHE: You'd better get into the water.
It'll fix your skin, joints, warts, what have you.
-JOSH: Really? -Yeah, just leave everything here.
I'll guard your belongings.
BRYNA: Okay.
(water sloshes)
Aah.
Fuck!
It's like shards of glass.
Watch your tootsies.
MAURA: Watch yourself.
-Ah, oh... -Ow.
-JOSH: I told you. -MAURA: That is... ow.
BRYNA: I think I just sliced
-off a corn. -I think...
I think I know why they call it the Dead Sea.
-You slip, you fall, you die. -(Bryna laughs)
LEN: Wait up, wait up.
-It's kind of sharp. -(groans)
Come in.
(water sloshing)
Thank you.
Look, um, I need to talk to you about something.
When I told you that
I would just be happy watching TV at home,
you know that's not true, right?
I used to do that all the time.
It sucked.
I wasn't happy, and you weren't happy.
We were just doing the same thing
over and over.
The same... everything.
Same sex.
(laughing): Same-sex marriage.
It was a same-sex marriage.
-You got to put that in your book. -Right?
Oh, my God.
(laughs)
I feel like you should know,
when we split up...
I slept with a lot of people.
Like, I made it through
almost all of the As on Tinder.
-That's disgusting. -There was a lot of people, yeah.
Like, four Ambers.
Ew.
Three Andreas.
I think Tinder is so dehumanizing.
I know. That's the best part.
(laughs, snorts)
-Oh, my God. -I'm not trying to gross you out.
I'm just saying that I was a sex fiend, too.
Not just you.
And I wanted more.
Thank you for saying all that.
What about Lila?
I think that right now...
...it should just be me and you.
But we got to, like, commit hard
to keeping it, like, weird and hot.
And fun.
And just us.
So no more Lila.
I could still let you boss me and my dick around.
Okay. You have to wash my car once a week.
-Oh, come on. -I got to think about it.
-Fuck you. -I'm thinking.
Okay, I will.
BRYNA: Look at him there.
Asleep on a lawn chair.
(sighs)
-You know what? -What?
We may have been bad mothers, but we fucking stayed.
-Yes, we did. -We did.
We stayed.
(people speaking Arabic)
♪ ♪
JOSH: Where's Mom?
SARAH: Oh, fuck, my mom's afraid of the water.
-She's afraid of everything. -JOSH: Mom!
Come on! Come out.
SHELLY: I'm fine, honey.
MAURA: Come on, Shell.
It's safe.
You'll float.
JOSH: Mom, come on.
SARAH: We need you out here!
BRYNA: My cat had the same look right before it crawled
under a bush and died.
JOSH: I'm gonna go get her.
SARAH: Mom, it's like a waterbed.
You stay floating.
I haven't ever slept on a waterbed.
You can do this, you just got to relax.
-No, I... -Mom, you got to relax, okay?
You're gonna float, I swear to God.
It's full of salt, Mom.
Put your arm onto me, come on.
I'm not gonna let go of you.
-I'm gonna take you the whole way, okay? -Mm-hmm.
-You have to trust me. Okay. -Okay.
Here we go.
(Shelly grunts)
(water sloshing)
-All right. -(grunts softly)
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm gonna carry you, okay?
Here we go.
Here we go, I got you, I got you, I got you.
-Don't let go. -I'm not gonna let go, I got you.
You have to relax, okay?
You can trust me.
All right, here we go.
I got you. I got you.
Okay.
All right.
I'm barely even holding you.
Don't let go.
(laughs): I'm not, I'm not gonna let go.
-Okay. -I got you.
All right.
(exhales)
Good, just chill.
We're just gonna chill.
♪ ♪
There you go.
Ah, look at this.
Yes.
♪ Look at all my trials and tribu... ♪
Will you hand me the blanket? Thank you.
♪ Tribulations ♪
♪ Sinking in a gentle pool of wine ♪
♪ Don't disturb me now ♪
BOTH: ♪ I can see the answers ♪
♪ Till this evening is this morning ♪
BOTH: ♪ Life is fine. ♪
(laughs)
Oh, my God, Morty, I cannot stop listening
to that stupid record album.
It's so good.
MAURA: I'm glad you like it.
I knew you would.
SHELLY: Ah, look at this!
-Let me help you. -Oh, thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
SHELLY: Yes.
Oh, my... oh, my God.
Oh, no, Morty, look, it's a dead bird.
(Shelly squeals, groans)
-What can we do? -I think we may be
past the point of medical intervention, Shell.
We got to give it a proper resting place.
Morty, come on.
What, do you not want a funeral?
My little guy. Feel so bad.
Oh.
MAURA: Aw, Shell.
You're gonna be such a good mother.
(laughing): What?
What are you suggesting, Morty?
I think you know.
Babies are not the same thing as dead animals, Morty.
They really aren't.
(laughs) But, but...
if we do have kids,
I really think they should take my last name.
They'll never be able to spell yours,
not until they reach the fifth grade.
I like Pfefferman.
-It's distinguished. -I don't know.
I really don't know about those three Fs in there.
Well, then,
I'll be Mrs...
...Morton Lipkind.
(laughs)
Yes, my parents would have a fit.
-(squeals) -They don't need to know.
(both laughing)
Guys, I can't believe Ali is missing this.
MAURA: Uh, I think I know why she's not here.
Why?
Do you know what Moshe told me?
-What? -Well, remember how we thought
that Gershon was killed in the war?
And he was married to Gittel?
-Yeah. -Not true.
What?
-Wha... -MAURA: Gershon was...
Gershon was Gittel.
Tante Gittel?
What?
Gittel was trans.
-Gershon is Gittel? -JOSH: Tante Gittel...
-of the old ring fame? -SARAH: The ring.
SHELLY: That's unbelievable.
How does this happen?
-What are the chances of this? -JOSH: My God.
Maybe it runs in the family.
BRYNA: It's like dyslexia.
You're born with it; you can't help it.
-It's not like dyslexia. -BRYNA: Okay. Not-- I'm sorry.
-(all laughing) -BRYNA: You're right.
You know, if it runs in the family, I might be trans.
-(laughs) -BRYNA: Shell.
-SHELLY: What? -You're not related.
-Oh, right. -MAURA: All right, all right, the point is...
I think we need to give Ali some space.
She's kind of going through it, you know?
-Going through what? -SARAH: What?
You know...
...like I was
when I was her age, you know?
Some days you just didn't know who was gonna show up.
Well, if anyone got the trans gene, it's Ali.
-Well, s-she could figure things out... -She's not trans.
-...in California. -Hold on, guys. Guys, guys.
She's not trans.
She's just not comfortable being a woman.
-And we have to give her the space. -(gasps) Wait!
Wait a second. She's a they.
She's-- no, she's gender non-conforming.
-Like non-binary, androgynous. -Oh, my God.
SARAH: No, she's gonna be a they.
-You are so up on your terms. -She's gonna be a they.
Well, that's kind of fucking cool.
It's not really cool that we're actually having this
and I've already said too much.
-Oh, boy. -And it's not cool
-to talk about people's gender. -SARAH: I totally get it.
So, wait, we're saying that Ali's not here
or maybe ditching us because of their gender?
Which would be very they.
-(laughs) -It's so them.
-JOSH: It's so them. -They's up to they same old tricks.
-They haven't changed at all, really. -They-they...
They are always they way.
-(Josh laughs) -SHELLY: No, Ali was not like you two.
She was a floppy baby.
She was floppy, so she was, she was...
Yeah, I think clinical studies have shown that floppiness
-leads to trans-ness. -(Sarah laughs)
They are not trans.
-They are they. -They are they.
They said that she's not entirely comfortable
-sharing with anybody yet. -Oh, okay.
So everyone just put a sock in it.
SARAH: Consider us socked.
(scattered chatter, horns honking)
SHELLY: ♪ Look at all ♪
ALL: ♪ My trials and tribulations ♪
♪ Sinking in a gentle pool of wine ♪
BRYNA: ♪ Pool of wine ♪
(Sarah and Josh laugh)
ALL: ♪ Don't disturb me now... ♪
Hi. Um, I need to go to the Dead Sea.
♪ Till this evening is this morning ♪
♪ Life is fine ♪
♪ Always hoped ♪
♪ That I'd be an apostle ♪
♪ Knew that I would make it ♪
-♪ If I tried ♪ -♪ If I tried ♪
♪ Then when we retire ♪
♪ We can write the gospels ♪
♪ So they'll still talk about us ♪
♪ When we've died. ♪
("The Last Supper" by Ian Gillan & Apostles playing)
♪ Look at all my trials ♪
♪ And tribulations ♪
♪ Sinking in a gentle pool ♪
♪ Of wine ♪
♪ Don't disturb me now ♪
♪ I can see the answers ♪
♪ Till this evening is this morning ♪
♪ Life is fine ♪
♪ Always hoped ♪
♪ That I'd be an apostle ♪
♪ Knew that I would make it ♪
♪ If I tried ♪
♪ Then when we retire ♪
♪ We can write the gospels ♪
♪ So they'll still talk about us ♪
♪ When we've died ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Look at all my trials and tribulations ♪
♪ Sinking in a gentle pool of wine ♪
♪ What's that in the bread? ♪
♪ It's gone to my head ♪
♪ Till this morning is this evening ♪
♪ Life is fine ♪
♪ Always hoped that I'd be an apostle ♪
♪ Knew that I would make it if I tried ♪
♪ Then when we retire ♪
♪ We can write the gospels ♪
(music fades) te the gospels ♪