("Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar playing)
♪ Try not to get worried ♪
♪ Try not to turn on to ♪
♪ Problems that upset you ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ Everything's alright, yes... ♪
YOUNGER SHELLY: Hey, Morty?
Mort?
(muffled): How about some sauerkraut and a Tab?
YOUNG SARAH (muffled): I felt it kick! I felt it kick!
YOUNGER SHELLY: (chuckles) Yeah, you did. That was a big one.
♪ So forget all about... ♪
Oy, Morton!
♪ Everything's alright, yes ♪
(singing along): ♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪
♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪
♪ Myrrh for your hot forehead ♪
♪ Then you'll feel ♪
♪ Everything's alright ♪
♪ Yes, everything's fine... ♪
YOUNGER SHELLY: Mort.
Oy, okay, go...
Will you go get me some sauerkraut, Sarey?
Since your father doesn't care that he's got a pregnant wife.
♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes ♪
♪ And relax, think of nothing... ♪
I'm getting your sauerkraut, Shell.
♪ There will be poor always... ♪
YOUNGER SHELLY: Oh, Joshy, Sarey,
tell this baby to get out of here.
-Get out of here. -I'm gonna pop, you guys.
I'm gonna explode out of this body.
Baby, hurry, come out.
♪ You'll be lost and you'll be sorry ♪
♪ When I'm gone... ♪
♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪
♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪
♪ Myrrh for your hot forehead ♪
♪ Then you'll feel ♪
♪ Everything's alright ♪
♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪
♪ And it's cool and the ointment's sweet ♪
♪ For the fire ♪
♪ In your head and feet ♪
♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes and relax ♪
♪ Think of nothing tonight ♪
♪ Close your eyes and relax ♪
♪ Think of nothing ♪
♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes ♪
♪ And relax ♪
♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes... ♪
PEARL: So...
we were wondering if you've read the latest New Yorker.
No, I'm really behind.
Like this... far behind. Why?
Well, our esteemed leader Leslie wrote a poem in it.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
She's been submitting for, like, 20 years.
PEARL: Your name is in the title.
Really?
-Mm-hmm. -Oh, my God.
"My Ali, My Garcon."
"Garcon.
"Garcon, you cried and I came running
"with my bad, old knees," Aw.
"Little white towel starched perfectly over my arm,
"not knowing the mess that awaited me
"You were a child without a booster chair,
-wanting to play garcon..." -"You were so cute,
"when you asked, I said, 'Yes, ma'am,' of course,
"no problem, right away
"I didn't know that you had the intellect
"of a commoner, the smarts of a wooden clog,
"eclipsed by your pedigree.
-"You stupid girl... -"You fraud
Your pussy ate the salad fork"?
What the fuck does that even mean?
"Then the dessert fork, then the fork-fork.
"You gorged, then walked away,
farting flatware"?
Oh, my God.
(knocking on door)
-Hey. -Hi.
-How you doing? -Good. Come on in.
Thanks for answering my Insta...
Just, you know, wanted to reach out.
Nice of you to have me "ovah."
-Yeah, of course. -Wow, the light.
-Yeah. -It's really beautiful.
Do you want some tea?
-Oh, that would be great. -Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, you have a swing! (laughing)
That's how I get to the office, actually, so, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
(chuckles): Yeah, right?
-Whee! -(laughs)
-So fun! -Yeah.
-Oh. I need one of these. -It's probably happy you're riding it.
Wow, this is really beautiful.
Yeah, it's cool, right?
That was so funny to run into you there.
Yeah, it's funny when you see people you know.
Um, you know, I'm not, I'm not really, like, a regular there,
so I hope you weren't looking for a sponsor?
-Oh, no. No. -Okay.
I mean, I probably should be, but no.
-I'm not there yet, but... -Okay.
No, I just wanted to, like...
-just kind of... -Yeah.
It was interesting.
-It was an interesting meeting. -It is, yeah.
-I mean, I don't-- I try not to... -Thank you.
-to judge anybody there. -Right.
'Cause, obviously, it's a spiritual...
-You mean the freaks? All the freaks? -(laughs)
Am I, like, wrong, or is that the most unsexy group of people?
Yeah. They seem to be getting it.
Well, it's not just sex, it's love.
-There's the "L," so... -There's the "L."
For sure.
Love.
Yeah, I don't...
I don't, I don't know.
I don't think I really know what-- how to actually do that.
Hmm.
I remember you and your husband.
Len.
Right.
He's-he's a good guy.
My ex.
-Oh, sorry. -No, no, it's actually good.
I mean, it's weird.
We kind of are still together.
-Oh. -I mean, you know,
there's a lot of stuff going on.
-Mm-hmm. -With-- but...
it's just about being honest, I think.
-You know what I mean? -Yeah, honesty's the best.
Like, I could totally tell him I was here.
-Right. Why wouldn't you, right? I mean... -Used to lie a lot.
My family lies a lot. We're liars.
I think it's just because everyone's, like,
in everybody's stuff, so you tell a lie,
and you just kind of can have some privacy.
Totally.
I mean, secrets are kind of like a perfect stand-in
for, for boundaries.
Right?
-Yeah. -(chuckles): Yeah.
But seriously, that is really...
Yeah, I mean, it's natural.
We all-- you know, you compartmentalize it,
so you feel like you have
permission structure to kind of decide
who you want to be that day.
It's human.
♪ ♪
Hi.
-Hi. -Hi.
Hi. What's all... What's the emergency?
Um, I want to come to Israel with you.
-What? -Yes.
-You do? -Yes, I really, really do.
Why? What's going on? What happened?
Well, I just-- because I want to go,
and-and, you know, I want to stand on that ground,
and I want to feel all that history,
-and-and... -Yeah?
...the suffering, and the bloodshed and just all that
real stuff, you know?
And just get away from the bullshit of nothingness here.
And this... fucking poem about my pussy
that is in this week's New Yorker.
You don't have to read the whole thing.
Don't read the whole thing.
What's with the fork?
There's also that family that's living at the house,
and-and they're there for a whole month,
and they're just there. I-I can't,
I can't live underneath that guy, you know?
Listen, I don't want you to just say yes
because you're afraid of hurting my feelings.
I only want you to say yes if it's...
if it's what you really feel, if it's true.
What are you doing? This is mean.
I would love you to come.
-Really? -What are you...
-Of course... -Really, really, really?
Really, really.
(laughs)
-What's going on here? -What?
-You need to scrub. -No, stop.
SARAH: You must be really good at that.
With the teaching and every--
you know, like, compartmentalizing.
I don't... do not know how you handle all those kids.
I would fucking kill myself.
Yeah. It's, uh, you know, there's-there's tools.
-Really? -Yeah.
Please. Please, help.
'Cause I'm so tired of, like, raging.
Mm.
I have this belief that...
when you're born, you know, you're kind of... perfect.
You know, you just have so much wonder.
And then, you get older,
and... you know, you get dumb.
So that's why I like to give them the power.
-Clever. -Yeah.
Or let them think they have the power.
-Kind of like bottoming. -Yeah, but you're the bottom...
You're actually the top, but you're on the bottom.
-Right, right, right. -You know?
Yeah. So, like, bottoming your kids?
-(both laugh) -That's a good...
Put it that way, yeah.
And then the kids are...
The kids are...
BOTH: The kids are on top.
(both laughing)
Kids on top!
Joshy?
-JOSH: Yeah? -Come here, tushy.
I need a little help.
-I'm taking you down. -Oy, oy, oy!
Ooh, you're so strong.
What is this?
I came up with a system.
It's-it's called Steps for Cents and...
So I don't fritter away my condo profits.
What's this "300,000 steps"?
Once I do the 300,000 steps, then I'm allowed
to spend $100 in fun money.
Who-Who's allowing you?
-I am. -Mom, it's your nest egg.
I'm allowing me.
You don't have to be so stingy with yourself.
-Why is this so difficult to understand? -Why-why...
-Hey, hey! -Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Don't poke me.
You have a very sharp fingernail.
Okay.
-Um... -Well...
-I-I got to be somewhere. -Where?
Um... somewhere.
-Well, where? -I-I got to go.
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪ -(leaf blower whirring)
RITA: Hey! Hey!
You going in there?
Hey! Hey!
Rita?
(leaf blower stops)
-Um... -You came back!
Yeah.
I mean, I got a lot out of it last time.
Ah. So now you're a victim?
I was a victim.
Hey, you chased after me.
Yeah. I was 14, you were 20.
And it didn't matter. Did it?
Hey, there's something I really wanted to ask you.
Did you jump?
(scoffs)
I... swan dived.
You know, something that I didn't know was,
when you get to the waiting room in the afterlife,
suicides get to the front of the line.
I got to get in there.
You know...
why don't I go in with you?
Come on.
I'll just... give you comfort.
Come on.
Leave me alone.
(Rita scoffs)
MARTIN: I sat in this meeting
for three months,
listening to everyone say how great their life was.
But I still felt like shit.
And I was like, really? I can't even jack off?
-(piano plays glissando) -What's the fucking point?
Then I got a sponsor, started working the steps,
and that's when my life started to change.
(whispering): Go away.
I'm just making sure you're not changing the story.
MARTIN: Thank you for listening. I'll be back.
(Latin music playing quietly over speakers)
♪ ♪
Excuse me. Excuse me. Wh-What is this?
Uh, Upright Citizens Brigade.
What's that?
It's improv. A performance.
Wonderful.
(chuckles) Okay.
Sumo Orgy 101.
-(all groaning and grunting) -(laughter)
WOMAN: I've never quite seen sex dogs like this,
but these are absolutely the best dogs I've ever seen.
They're all best in show!
No, don't do it! Don't do it, chickens!
(crowd cheering)
BRIDGET: All right. Okay, last round.
Can we get one more suggestion?
Sauerkraut!
Sauerkraut. That is awesome.
Okay, sauerkraut it is.
(crowd cheering)
BRIDGET: Do you need $500 for your parking ticket?
WOMAN: I mean, yes.
Are you offering me $500 to pay my parking ticket?
Excuse me. I'm the sauerkraut lady.
Oh! You're the sauerkraut lady.
Fantastic. That's my-my favorite suggestion of the night.
Oh! G-Good.
-Bye. -Bye.
So do you, you perform here... a regular basis?
Yeah. And I teach some classes.
Oh.
Uh... Oh.
Isn't that...
That-that-that's terrific.
Yeah. It's fun. I-I come from improv.
I always want to spread the word.
You know, the art of it.
I could, I could tell, uh, that there was an art to it.
-Yeah. -Yes, and to life.
-There you go. Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
(grunting)
Lila.
Lila. (sighs)
(moans): Oh.
-Yeah. -Oh, yeah.
Do you feel my wet pussy on your ass?
Oh, yes, yes.
(moaning)
(hisses) I want to see you.
I want to see you.
(exhales)
(panting)
(moaning)
-Yeah. -LEN: Have you seen my phone?
Hey. So, I was just...
No, no, I know what you're doing.
-(chuckles) -Wow. Dirty bird.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
-Fucking dirty. -I have, like, a perma-boner.
Yeah, you were super horny last night, too.
I know. Ya know, ya know.
I don't think that's what you're supposed to be getting
out of these sex addicts meetings.
Getting all drummed up.
You want some of this?
Fuck yeah.
Fuck.
You're so wet.
What were you thinking about?
You.
Mm.
♪ ♪
(Davina and Sal shouting indistinctly)
SAL: You act like it's my fault that the transmission blew.
-DAVINA: You never check things. -I check.
-You never take time... -It's not my fault.
-It is, too. -The transmission is blown.
DAVINA: Well, it's your fault that the AAA check bounced,
-isn't it? -Well, it only bounced
because the check that Jimmy wrote me bounced. Okay?
And how does this surprise you? Why is this surprising to you?
SAL: You look great.
Thank you.
So sorry. You all right?
Uh, yeah.
Can I wear these?
Well, yeah, you could... yeah.
I'm going out with Donald.
Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes?
Looks great, honey.
I'm never going on a trip with him again.
Mm.
-Okay, honest. -Yeah?
This? This?
I like the one you're wearing.
-This one. -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's great.
I mean, slimming, right?
-Are you okay? -I'm really good.
Where are you going on your date?
Oh, we're just gonna...
I'm going to his place.
Are you... Where is that?
Um...
Northridge.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ The wind has gone ♪
♪ The invisible come ♪
♪ Your memories are being run ♪
(keypad beeping)
♪ The mountain scarred ♪
(door buzzes)
♪ By invisible bars ♪
♪ The stillness is on guard... ♪
Oh, Jesus.
God.
♪ Oh, the wind will come ♪
(sighs)
♪ Blow ♪
♪ Answer echo's answer ♪
(sniffles)
♪ The mountain mine ♪
♪ From invisible time ♪
♪ I am next in line... ♪
(knocking on door)
You have to fix your elevator.
I'm sorry about the elevator.
-I'm so sorry. -Almost left the chicken on the stairs.
♪ From incline to incline ♪
♪ Oh. ♪
Lordy.
(grunts)
What did you do?
My goodness.
It's too bad I can't come with you.
Too bored in Israel.
I'll give you a warm bed.
Oh, yeah?
I would be in the hotel, keeping the bed warm.
Hard for you all day.
MAURA: Then what would you do?
Suck on those tits.
(whispers): Daddy.
-Huh. -Hey, you should watch the live-stream of my lecture.
Oh, I'm not interested in lectures, babe.
I've got all the gender and Judaism I need
right here with you.
(chuckles)
(clears throat)
DAVINA (moaning): Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. That's really...
Don't ever stop doing the thing that's happening.
Ooh.
Oh, that's really... that's incredible.
(moaning)
-Ooh, my kidneys! Off, off! -Okay. Okay. Okay.
-All right. -(grunts)
(groans, hisses)
-(exhales) -It's okay.
No, please don't touch... don't, just...
You know, baby, I wish you'd go back
to that acupuncture girl, huh?
She was helping you.
I've been taking these meds for 20 years.
I don't think sticking a needle in me for 45 bucks a pop
is gonna save my kidneys.
Yeah, but what can it hurt?
(sighs) We can't afford any more bills.
(sighs)
(knock on door)
ALI: Hi.
-Hello. -How are you?
-Uh, good. Yeah. -Good.
Um, is your husband home?
No, he's, um, gone out for... procedure.
Um, I just wanted to let him know,
you and the whole family, that I'm-I'm going away.
So...
-I won't be downstairs. -Okay.
I'm-I'm going to Israel for a week.
Why Israel?
Well, my mom is going, so...
But really 'cause...
I don't know just... (sighs)
this crazy world and these crazy times, you know.
Just... just such bad anxiety.
I have anxiety, too.
-You do? -Yeah.
Do you feel like it's-it's kind of like
your body, you know, telling you something about what it needs?
I-I feel like it's-it's my body screaming at me, you know.
"You're in the wrong place.
You are in the wrong place."
-Okay. -Okay.
Okay.
MAURA: ♪ Try not to get worried ♪
♪ Try not to get wor... ♪
♪ To get worried now ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ Everything's all right now ♪
BOTH: ♪ Everything's fine ♪
-(Maura hums) -Oh, my God, you guys were obsessed with that.
-(hums) -Okay, let's do our idiot check.
Idiot check.
-♪ Try not to get worried ♪ -What are you doing?
-♪ Try not to get... ♪ -That is ridiculous looking.
You look like an orphan who got separated from her parents.
Stop. I am an orphan.
This is not...
this is very sort of Kindertransport sort of...
please, take care of this bear.
It's extremely triggering.
Well, you are too easily triggered.
(sighs)
♪ Try not to get worried ♪
♪ Try not to get worried now. ♪
What is that?
ALI: Pot gummies.
MAURA: What?
-Pot gummies. Here. -(whispers): Marijuana?
Yeah.
It's medical marijuana.
It's fine. It's legal. Everybody has it.
-It's illegal and you cannot take it on a plane. -It's...
First of all, we're gonna eat it.
(whispers): I have Xanax.
-This is Xanax. -And I have...
Why would you take that ugly, yucky pharmaceutical stuff
when nature made you Xanax
and put it in this delicious, cute, little gummy bear?
I-I was just gonna have you eat the head.
Well, surely the head is not enough.
You're gonna be so high.
(humming)
("The Temple" from Jesus Christ Superstar playing)
♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪
♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪
♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪
♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪
♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪
♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪
♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪
♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪
♪ Name your price, I've got everything ♪
♪ Come on, buy, it's going fast ♪
♪ Borrow cash on the finest terms ♪
♪ Hurry now, it's going fast ♪
♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪
♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪
♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪
♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪
♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪
♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪
♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪
♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪
♪ Name your price, I've got everything ♪
♪ Come on, buy, it's going fast ♪
♪ Borrow cash on the finest terms... ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪
♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪
♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪
♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪
♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪
♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪
♪ My temple should be ♪
♪ A house of prayer ♪
♪ But you have made it ♪
♪ A den of thieves ♪
♪ Ah, oh. ♪
AGENT: Wait right here, ma'am.
Hold up. We're gonna have to pat you down.
Oh. Why-why?
You've got a groin anomaly.
(Maura chuckles)
I'm sorry, what?
-AGENT: A groin anomaly. -What's happening, Mom?
Back up, ma'am.
ALI: What's going on? Why are you hassling her?
I have a groin anomaly.
AGENT: I have to pat you down.
-Um... -ALI: Okay. Whatever you people are doing,
-I'm recording it. -AGENT: Ma'am, you can put that away.
I am not gonna put it away and please don't call me "ma'am."
-Shh, take it easy. -AGENT: Ma'am.
-Um... Ma'am. -I have to pat you down.
May I talk to you?
I'm trans. Do you understand what that is?
I have, um...
I have a penis.
Oh, then we're gonna need a male agent.
Matt.
-Yeah. -MAURA: Hi, Matt. I'm, um...
I can't pat her down; you need to pat her down.
I can't pat her down. She's got a penis.
-Well, she's a woman, right? -Well...
-You know, I don't really... -No, he said he's got a penis.
-I don't mind who pats me down. -ALI: What is going on?
Sorry, just give us one minute.
No, I would like to know what's going on with my mother.
-AGENT: I have to pat you down. -Um...
Ma'am, you need to back up and give us some space.
ALI: Is this because she's trans?
Aren't you people trained in this?
Please, turn off your phone.
-ALI: No. -I'm sorry.
I'm just, uh... please, pat me down.
Hold on one moment, ma'am.
Can I get a supervisor over here?
Please, put your hand down. I have every right to film this.
-MAURA: Hi. -SUPERVISOR: What's the situation here?
MAURA: Here's the situation. I'm trans.
I have a penis. Pat me down.
All right? If you want me to be a man
to pat me down, I'll be a man.
If you want me to be a woman, I'll be a woman.
If you want me to be a fucking chicken, I'll be a chicken.
Okay, you're gonna have to pat her down.
Just make sure to get high in the thigh.
-Okay. -Lord have mercy.
♪ See my tongue, I can hardly talk ♪
♪ See my skin, I'm a mass of blood ♪
♪ See my legs, I can hardly stand ♪
♪ I believe you can make me well ♪
♪ See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man ♪
♪ Will you touch, will you mend me, Christ? ♪
♪ Won't you touch, will you heal me, Christ? ♪
♪ Will you kiss, can you cure me, Christ? ♪
♪ Won't you kiss, won't you pay me, Christ? ♪
♪ See my eyes, I can hardly see ♪
♪ See me stand, I can hardly walk ♪
♪ I believe you can make me whole ♪
♪ See my tongue, I can hardly talk ♪
♪ See my skin, I'm a mass of blood ♪
♪ See my legs, I can hardly stand ♪
♪ I believe you can make me well ♪
♪ See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man ♪
♪ Will you touch, will you mend me, Christ? ♪
♪ Won't you touch, will you heal me, Christ? ♪
♪ Will you kiss, will you cure me, Christ? ♪
♪ Won't you kiss, won't you pay me, Christ? ♪
♪ See my eyes... ♪
♪ Ooh, there's too many of you ♪
♪ Don't push me ♪
♪ Oh, there's too little of me ♪
♪ Don't, don't crowd me ♪