I don't have time today.
All I do is mop floors so I can support these two bald assholes.
Oh, I'm the problem.
I understand you're finally considering adoption for Clyde.
I know several excellent families
who are actively looking.
Uh-uh.
Well, you know how I've been trying to connect with my kids.
Two of them haven't called me in a couple of weeks.
Did you call them back? That's not my place.
It's exactly your place.
I'm supposed to call them when they don't call me back?
CLAIRE: Yeah, you are. Yes.
You call and you call and you call
and you keep calling,
and if they don't call you back, that's on them.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Does anybody know any good coffee shops?
Let's see. Coffee in Seattle.
Nope. [CHUCKLES]
[MOCKS LAUGHING]
Listen, I know they're everywhere,
but I'm having coffee with my daughter Cappy
and I'm looking for the perfect place.
You mean Latte?
Cappy.
Cappy is Latte's older sister.
Oh, please tell me Cappy is short for Cappuccino.
Fuck you.
McDonald's has good coffee.
Don't take her to McDonald's. How about Sounds and Grounds?
No, no, no. There's too much music there.
I... I don't need Jackson Browne
singing about a horse with no name
while I'm trying to talk to my daughter.
What? I don't think that was Jackson Browne.
Whatever. I also don't want people
being loud in the corner doing their poetry.
Oh, how far away is love's first kiss?
Yeats?
Said the large-jugged cheerleader from Ole Miss.
Not Yeats. MUGSY: Anyway.
[STUTTERS] All I'm saying is I don't want a coffee place
where everybody's on their cell phones and their computers
sending and receiving their facsimiles.
Uh, facsimiles?
Are you taking her back in time?
Look, it sounds like you don't need a coffee shop.
Maybe you can take her to a park bench
and bring some coffee with you.
From McDonald's.
Cloud, what do you have? Stock in McDonald's?
It's really good coffee.
Why don't you just take her for lunch at a nice restaurant?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Too much pressure.
Trying to think about stuff to talk about for an entire meal
No, coffee shop.
You have a couple of sips,
and if you're not feeling it, you cut bait.
She's not a Tinder date. She's your daughter.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Really? Sadder than a guy who walks out on his family
and spends a decade at the bottom of a bottle
who's now being judged by a former meth head?
Who doesn't like McDonald's coffee.
[SCOFFS]
Uh, full disclosure,
I do have a little Mickey D's in my portfolio.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]
♪♪ ♪♪
I hate this fucking game. What am I doing here?
You said you'd play if I got to five months sober
twice in the same year.
Okay, can we just get it over with?
You know, I never really understood the appeal of golf.
Especially without alcohol.
But, uh, today I... I kind of get it.
Yeah, having some laughs with friends, right?
Yeah, you're out amongst nature.
You got exercise, fresh air.
All right, skins game. Buck a hole with carryovers.
All right. No idea what that means,
but a buck a hole, no one's getting hurt. I'm in.
Yeah, and if you get a hole in one,
you've got to give everyone a blowjob,
and if it's close, we can give it to you.
Uh-oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
How... How close is, uh, is close?
Ed, he's joking.
Oh, yeah. Right, right.
'Cause it would have to be in the hole, right?
Ooh. Whoa.
Tony, follow that.
You're up, Loudermilk.
[SIGHS]
[FLATULENCE]
Okay, ha-ha-ha-ha.
Very funny. Obviously I get that back.
That's a mulligan, I believe it's called.
Hey, hey, there's no mulligans in golf.
This is a gentlemen's game. You play by the rules.
I'm not hip to all the rules,
but farting during another player's backswing?
That can't be considered gentlemanly.
USGA rules on etiquette, section two, Behavior on the Course,
clearly states a player should not disturb another
by talking, moving, or making unnecessary noise.
Exactly. I go again.
Unnecessary noise.
Unnecessary.
Mugsy, was that fart necessary?
Absolutely.
Yeah, I had one of those cauliflower whole roasted brain things last night,
loaded with garlic.
Plus I'm getting together with my daughter,
and it's making my stomach feel kind of funky.
So necessary?
A noise deemed necessary. Thus, ipso facto.
Therefore, and ergo, the drive stands.
You're hitting three. Now keep your head down.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
Whoa!
[YELLS]
What the hell? You nearly killed us!
Oh, relax, sweetheart. It barely touched ya.
He hit me on the ankle, and don't you call me sweetheart.
You're unbelievable.
Okay, everybody. Come on.
Let's... Let's relax. It's not a big deal. Let's all calm down.
Ma'am, I'm sorry that my ball
accidentally brushed up against your foot, okay?
I'm new to the game. I'm not a great golfer.
You're supposed to yell "fore."
Even when it's rolling?
Yes, and you shouldn't be on the course
if you don't understand golf etiquette.
You people shouldn't be trusted with clubs.
Well, I admit, I... I don't know the game's vagaries,
but since you do, maybe you can help me out with this one...
What's the rule on farting during another player's backswing?
That's a mulligan, right?
Necessary fart.
Your ball hit my wife,
and I demand that you apologize to her immediately.
Or what, you're gonna slap me with a glove
and challenge me to a duel?
I just said I'm sorry, that's the pulp of an apology.
But I'll say it again. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you took a vicious dribbler to the foot,
and I hope everything works out with the fire.
[SCOFFS] What fire?
Well, obviously, your house was burning down
and you just threw on anything you could
as you ran out the door, right?
You're an asshole.
Wait, you can't call him an asshole.
I demandeth an apology.
[MUGSY CHUCKLES]
I'm not really Willie Nelson.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, look out.
[CHEERS] There you go.
Oh, what is this shit?
Oh, dear. This is not good.
That's them, officers. The ones that assaulted us.
What? Assaulted you?
Yeah, assaulted us. That's ridiculous.
These ladies said you hit them with a golf ball,
verbally harassed them... Yeah.
And then made homophobic comments
about their husbands' clothing.
I made homophobic... She's projecting that.
And what... What gay man would actually wear that?
Hey, you gals need to relax. Gals?
Don't call us gals, you sexist jerk.
Uh, okay, so now gals is sexist?
Do you believe these broads?
Hey tough guy, control your wife.
Oh, what the fuck? Ow.
That's it. You're all under arrest.
You can't arrest us. You... You're golf cops.
Actually, this is, uh, Seattle PD.
Hey, Leanne, it's been awhile.
Edward, you know the drill.
You... You really wanna file the paperwork on this mess?
No.
Too late. Cuff 'em all.
Let a judge work it out.
Thank God.
Does this mean we're done golfing?
♪♪ Such a foolish
♪♪ Way to be ♪♪
[SIGHS]
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey, I am so sorry I'm late.
You are not gonna believe what happened.
Let me guess.
You got arrested for doing something stupid.
♪♪ ♪♪
No. No, it was like...
It's a long story, don't worry about it.
Listen, I am so happy that you wanted to get together today.
I've really been looking forward to this.
Yeah. Me too. Yeah.
Um...
So what's new with you?
Well, I finally graduated last month.
I thought you graduated a few years ago.
That was high school. This is college.
You went to college? Uh, yeah, I remember that.
I mean, everything is happening so fast, you know?
So what did you study? IT.
Information technology.
Yes, IT.
Yes.
Just computer stuff, Dad.
Wow.
I am so proud of you.
You're working with computers.
Hey, maybe that Steve Gates will hire you.
Well, I hope someone does.
I've gotten by resume out to a few companies,
and I've got some interviews lined up.
Hey, why don't I buy you a dress for your interviews?
Or a suit. Or a suit.
Yeah, pantsuit.
Nothing says smart business lady like a nice pantsuit.
Sure, Dad. I'd love that.
Hey, I'm going pantsuit shopping with my daughter.
How about that?
[SOFT MUSIC]
Huh, let me see if I got this right.
Ladies, you're being charged with assault,
and gentlemen, you're being cited with disorderly conduct.
Your Honor, I'd request that you consider dropping
the assault charges against my clients
and look at the real issue here.
The fact that these men were harassing these ladies on the golf course.
My clients were just enjoying an afternoon on the links
when these women, for no reason,
physically attacked them.
They were provoked by the men's lack of golf decorum
which was compounded by their rude behavior.
Oh, so you're saying that the appropriate response
to poor golf etiquette and rude behavior
is to go all Mrs. Tiger Woods with a nine iron
on my client's face?
Seven iron.
Don't interrupt me. We're under oath.
Hitting a man with a golf club is assault!
These women should be locked up.
And for that matter, so should Mrs. Tiger Woods.
How's she still on the street?
I'll tell you how... She's hot!
And with all due respect, Your Honor,
these women register a little lower on the thermometer.
Are you implying...
Your Honor, justice is not blind.
They're fours at best, and therefore I contend,
if they're not hot, in jail they must rot.
Objection. Irrelevant.
My clients' looks are not on trial.
If we're fours, your clients are negative fours.
Except for one of them.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Objection sustained, and don't rhyme in my court!
Well, okay, but that's gonna seriously impact my summation.
Ladies, did you hit one of these men with a golf club?
Yes, I did, Your Honor, but it was in self-defense.
Was he attacking you? Verbally.
Well, did anyone threaten you?
They hit a golf ball at me and didn't yell "fore."
I consider that a threat.
Well, did anybody verbally threaten to harm you?
Not verbally in words.
Well, you can't just swing a golf club at someone.
That's assault.
Ma'am, I'm thinking it would be beneficial for you
to take an anger management class
before stepping back onto a golf course.
There you go. Case closed.
No, it isn't.
What about his pain and suffering?
New Guy, let... Let's just get out of here.
I am not going anywhere until justice is served!
The charges against your clients will be dropped.
Does that alleviate their pain and suffering?
Hell no!
This man has been emotionally scarred.
His wife offered him a club sandwich yesterday
and he burst into tears.
And this man, who almost killed his ex-wife in a drunk driving accident,
may never get to play the game of golf again.
I'm fine with that.
And these gentlemen, both raging alcoholics,
can't even order an Arnold Palmer,
the most popular nonalcoholic drink.
And all because we ran into these pushy broads.
Um, I'm... I'm sorry. What did you call them?
Am I still under oath? Yes, you are.
Um, pushy broads? Objection.
Your Honor, I ask that my client's testimony
be stricken from the record
because he was hit in the head with a seven iron,
and thus is speaking like an asshole.
Overruled, and watch your mouth, Counsel.
[SIGHS]
Well, clearly these men have no respect for women.
So I'm ordering Tony and his three friends
to take a women's sensitivity counseling seminar.
W... Women's sensitivity?
Can't we just go back to jail?
Be careful what you wish for. I can be a pushy broad too.
[RAPS GAVEL]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
So how was your job interview?
Did they like the pantsuit?
It went really well, Dad, and the pantsuit was a hit.
I felt very confident.
So did they offer you the job?
Not yet. I have a second interview
with the vice president tomorrow.
No shit?
The vice president of the whole government?
No, no, no. Of the company.
The VP of the company.
Oh, okay. Well, that's good.
And then you'll work your way up to the other guy.
I just can't imagine some company not wanting you
to run their it department.
Um, hey, are you free Saturday?
Latte and I, we're gonna go check out this flea market.
Do you wanna come with us?
Yeah!
Yes, I...
Oh, ah... I can't.
I have a class I have to take this weekend.
A class?
That... That's great.
What kind of class are you taking?
Math.
M... Math?
Math is in everything.
It's in sports scores, pumping gas, how many gallons.
It's in banking now.
Math... It's in everything.
I've got a half-caf double espresso for Judie!
Half, double. That's math.
And we have to keep up with the times.
We have to shift and grow and...
Hi, you're late.
Uh, sorry.
I was having problems with the car
when we were driving over here in my van.
Don't let it happen again
or I add another day to your session.
Way to make a great first impression, Nurse Ratchet.
Excuse me, did you just say something?
Yeah, I said we can probably fix the carburetor
with a three-quarter inch ratchet.
Hmm, you need a screwdriver, not a ratchet,
to adjust a carburetor.
Uh-oh, she knows her shit.
As I was saying,
welcome to Gender Sensitivity Training Class.
My name is Ms. Colleen O'Donnell-DeJesus.
Uh-oh, two names. That's a giant red flag.
Sorry?
Oh, it's just I'm... I'm a little leery of people
with hyphens in their names.
Anheuser-Busch?
Touche.
Briggs & Stratton.
That's not hyphenated, and that's not a person.
I think it's an accounting firm.
No, it's an internal combustion engine.
Now she's just showing off.
What are your concerns about a person with two last names?
Oh, it just makes me kind of nervous,
'cause I don't know which one is your maiden name
and which one is your husband's name.
I just don't want to offend anyone.
DeJesus is my family name,
O'Donnell is my partner's family name.
Partner? Wait, wait...
LOUDERMILK: Don't. No.
Wait a minute. Mm-mm, don't.
You're saying you live with a woman and not a man?
Correct.
Okay, so and you're going to counsel us men on how to live with women.
It seems like you only know half the story, no?
Yeah, he's right. What makes you qualified to teach us men-and-women stuff
if you haven't actually been in the trenches?
Trenches? Trust me, she's been in...
Nuh-uh, look.
I... I want to apologize for these guys, okay?
And maybe shed a little light on their behavior.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk, also a licensed counselor.
Ah, you have a degree in counseling, Mr. Loudermilk?
I... Uh, it's not a degree,
but I'm certified by Sober Friends
to counsel people with addiction issues.
Sober Friends? Isn't that the AA rip-off?
Yeah. Okay.
So that's not really applicable here,
but thank you, Mr. Loudermilk.
Well, the thing is, okay, the four of us,
we're just here because of a giant misunderstanding.
I don't actually have any issues with women.
Me neither. I love women.
Yeah, me too. I got an $8,000 one in my closet.
Uh, he... That's fake. Oh, she doesn't feel fake.
He... Trust me. It's just better this way.
Are you guys trying to fail this class?
Wait, are you saying... We're getting grades?
The point is, Ms. O'Donnell-DeJesus,
I don't need this class,
and these guys, as you can see, are way too far gone.
All right, not to mention they have bigger problems
they should be working on first.
So counselor to counselor,
if you could just sign our slips for the court,
we'll be out of your hair.
I would think that as a fellow licensed counselor,
Mr. Loudermilk, you would understand how unprofessional
it would be for me to sign off on a student without giving guidance.
Well, I couldn't agree more.
Except I've also found that counseling only works
when people really want it.
And I have found that if a judge thinks you need my class,
then you probably need my class.
Excuse me, could you and I have a quick, private student-teacher conference?
Why not?
All right, let's cut the bull.
How much is it gonna cost for four Jane Hancocks?
100 each? Nobody needs to know, just between us.
You can get something really nice for the little lady.
That's it!
You four fuckbonnets are gonna spend the entire two days in my workshop.
Every last second.
You are going to participate, learn, grow.
That is the only way I'm signing those slips.
And even then, I might not sign them.
Okay, I can do $200 a guy,
but I'm gonna have to hit an ATM machine.
Sit your ass down!
So we all understand that it's not necessarily
what you find offensive, but what they find offensive.
Yes?
Hey, let's be honest.
We can't say anything to women anymore without offending them.
Not true.
No, everything I say to them seems to piss them off.
Give me an example, Winston.
It's Mugsy. Mugsy.
Give me an example, Mugsy.
Okay.
Couple of weeks ago, I'm in the mall
and I see the Channel Five weather lady.
Weather person. Oh, okay.
See, here we go. Here we go.
The redhead? Uh-huh.
Yeah, she always gives me a warm front.
Sorry, I... I'm still getting my sea legs here.
So she's standing there.
She's having, like, a pretzel dog or something.
So I walk up to her
and I... I say, "Hey, I'm a fan."
And I tell her that she's the most beautiful
of all the weather-people-persons...
And she shoots daggers at me.
But you do understand how that's objectifying her, yes?
Making her feel like an object rather than a person?
By telling her she's beautiful?
No, I... I don't understand that.
I-if some woman came up to me and told me that I was handsome
and that I had a nice package,
I'd be like, "Hey, aren't you sweet?"
Well, that would be wrong too.
On many levels.
I'm saying, that's how she got the job.
That's why she's on TV... Because she's beautiful.
You... You ever see an ugly weather lady?
No. No, they're all gorgeous.
They all have, like, hot, tight dresses.
They're pointing around talking about bariatric pressure
and 40% chance of rain and...
But... But if I mention that she's beautiful, I'm the pig.
This.
This is why you guys are here.
Toxic masculinity.
Who...
You're here for a reason too, pal.
That's true.
My fiancee, Hannah, asked me to take this seminar
before we get married because she was concerned
that I may not be as sensitive
to her feelings as I should be.
MUGSY: Oh, fuck you.
You don't need to be here?
I want to be here.
Jesus, you got any room in those skinny jeans for a set of balls?
Anthony, please.
All due respect, Ms. O'Donnell De La Hoya,
this kid's gonna get creamed once he gets married.
You can't just bend over like that from the get-go.
It's called "pegging,"
and it's an exercise in female empowerment.
So you're saying... No, no, no, no, no.
Let the boy finish.
I just mean you gotta open yourself up.
Give and take a little.
True masculinity is not defined by who's being penetrated.
Oh, Lord, why dost thou test me?
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
So, how's the class going, Dad?
Are you learning a lot about math?
Oh, uh, yeah, a ton.
Like a thousand pounds' worth. [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
But, hey, more importantly...
Did they offer you the job?
They did.
That's fantastic, honey.
So, when do you start?
Actually, I'm not gonna take it.
W-why?
Did he hit on you?
Tell me he did not hit on you. He didn't hit on me.
No, you be honest with me,
because I'll go down there and I'll straighten it out.
He didn't hit on me, Dad. He was very professional.
Then wh-why aren't you taking the job?
It's the offer. It was too low.
Oh, sweetheart.
That's the way it works.
You gotta pay your dues.
You show them how great you are
and then later on, they throw you a ton of money.
Well, they offered my friend Miles a job too,
but his pay was 20% more than mine.
Maybe they gave him a different job,
or maybe he's a bit more qualified.
Nope. Different school?
Classmates, and my grades were better than his.
Okay, well, there had to be a reason.
There was: he's a man.
He got offered 20% more than me because he's a man.
Okay, just look at it this way:
the boss didn't hit on you,
so that's probably worth 20% right there
for you not to have to deal with that.
Are you hearing yourself right now?
What?
You're saying I should pay to not get harassed?
I'm trying to be supportive here.
Listen, I know it's not right, but that's the real world.
It's not the real world.
It's a fake world that men created
to keep the glass ceiling intact.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm hearing this from you.
I'm sorry, I... I thought you wanted this job.
I did. Well, then don't give up.
Don't lecture me about giving up.
You weren't around when Mom was juggling three jobs,
raising your kids, and making three-quarters
of what the men who had the exact same job were making.
You don't get it 'cause you've never had to tolerate harassment
in fear of losing a job that you needed,
and now you're clueless enough to tell me to just take the job
and pay the difference by not being harassed.
You know what, you're no better
than the guy who made me the offer.
Okay, we are going to discuss gender bias
and avoiding gender stereotypes
in an effort to become more gender-blind in our daily lives.
The hell is she saying?
Can someone explain to Tony what gender blindness is?
Uh, may I? Please go ahead, Ed.
Uh, well, Tony,
uh, gender blindness would be like if you...
You go to get a massage and you want a happy ending,
and they give you a guy massager
but you don't say anything.
Okay.
Can someone give us a legal example?
Uh, gender blindness
is when you don't identify people by gender.
They're not "man" or they're not "woman."
They're just people.
Very good, Sam.
Did you know that women make less money than men?
So? We have more expenses. And we pay for the dates.
And the rubbers.
All right, you guys just don't fucking get it.
Please... Continue, Mugsy.
I have a daughter,
and she's smart.
She's smarter than most men.
She's smarter than everybody here, that's for sure.
It's not a high bar.
And she just got offered a job,
and they want to pay her $15,000 less
than her classmate, a man,
for the same exact position.
[CHUCKLES] "Position."
Ah, come on. Grow the fuck up, Ed. What?
This is serious shit.
Did you know that women make 70%
of what most men make for the same job?
And I know that's true 'cause I did a Google on it.
Yep.
Well, it's not right,
and we should be ashamed.
There should be a law! I think there is a law.
Well, then, how come they don't enforce it?
That's a very good question.
No offense, but I got enough problems
without worrying about everybody else's paycheck.
That's because you only care about yourself, Tony, okay?
You don't respect women. Oh, yeah?
Why don't you stick around one for a few years
and then get back to me about respect?
Hey, hey, fuck you. Fuck you.
Okay, guys, cool it. Remember why we're here.
We're because Tony can't go through ten minutes
of a court case without insulting a woman.
She hit me in the head with a fucking golf club.
I don't blame her.
You know, his daughter gets one bad job offer
and he goes all "MeToo" on us.
Hey, fuck you. Fuck you.
I'm gonna do my own "MeToo" thing.
Why should it just be about women? It's not just for women.
It's not for women at all.
It's for us. It's to change us.
You know, all these movements, all this "new world" stuff...
Maybe it'll help us be better fathers
and husbands and brothers and...
People.
And that, my friends,
is what gender blindness is all about.
♪♪ ♪♪
[LATCH CLICKS]
Hey, Deb.
Is, uh, Cappy home?
What are you doing here?
I'm here to talk to my daughter.
Haven't you said enough already?
Really?
Take a lower salary to not get hit on?
Are you a complete idiot?
Don't answer that.
That's a rhetorical question.
"Rhetorical."
It means, "don't answer that."
Hey, hey, hey.
What's this?
A women's sensitivity class.
You took a women's sensitivity class?
Yeah, took and completed.
Why does it say "court ordered"?
No, that's only if there's a check next to it,
and as you can see, there's not.
Hey...
[SIGHS]
I've been thinking about what I told Cappy,
and I was wrong, and I want to talk to her.
I wanna talk to my daughter.
Hey, honey.
Hey, Dad.
So it wasn't a math class.
I'm sorry, Capp.
[SIGHS]
I'm a giant fuck-up.
[SNIFFLES] I fucked up my marriage...
I fucked up my family...
And I fucked up your childhood.
No, you didn't, Dad.
Yes, I did. [SNIFFLES]
It was the booze...
[SIGHS]
It hurt me, and it hurt me bad.
But it hurt you more.
It hurt all of us. [SNIFFLES]
But it didn't kill me, and that is a blessing
because that means I still have a chance to grow.
For as long as I live,
I... I swear to God, I'm gonna keep growing.
I promise you... I promise all of you...
[SNIFFLES] I'm gonna keep growing.
[SNIFFLES]
[MELANCHOLY ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ For once
♪♪ I didn't go home after shift
♪♪ Called my wife and said
♪♪ I'd be late
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ And every day
♪♪ It gets harder
♪♪ To go home
♪♪ I rode with a guy from work named Ronnie
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Never been to his house before ♪♪