- Uh, hello?
- Hello.
Hi… hi, I’m here.
Hi, Mr. Kohli.
What’s her name?
Whose name?
Your illegitimate child!
Is it a boy?Is it a girl?
Okay… okay, fine Sujin.
When you and your girlfriend are busy, I’m willing to babysit for you.
But I refuse to pay the child’s school fees, okay?
All right, let us start our second session.
Today is the second session of our arbitration.
That’s enough! Enough of these formalities!
Your client has gone and produced a baby during a pandemic, Mr. Thakkar.
Tacker.
What is this rubbish? Nobody had a baby. Where is the baby?
Nine months! You’ve been sleeping with her for nine months?
You don’t have to sleep with someone for nine months to make a baby.
You just have to hit the mark once. Understand the biology.
(in Nepali) Capsicum… yes…you want it chopped fine?
(in Nepali)Okay, I’ll do it.
Oh! Wow! Now you’re pretending like you don’t know English, Hindi, nothing!
Please Madam, you, first of all, stop shouting.
Please allow my client to speak. He’s trying to say something.
Before he was your client, he was my husband.
Nepali! He’s speaking in Nepali!
You can’t escape me, gigolo- I know Nepali. (blabbers unrelated Nepalese words)
Radhika, you need to understand something. This is Mumbai.
You can hear all kinds of sounds here. Construction. Dogs. Children. TV.
But that doesn’t mean I’m actually at a construction site…
…watching TV, with a child on my lap, while kicking a dog.
Don’t try to connect everything.
All my Chinese waiters are fluent in Nepali.
This man has eloped with his Nepali girlfriend, to Nepal.
That’s it! Case closed!
What do you mean, “case closed”?
And answer this first, why do you have Chinese waiters?
We’ll talk about me later, lady First, let’s talk about your client.
We’re facing a population problem, and this man is making babies? He’s a traitor!
Yeah, and tell the court whose tank top this is.
Sujin! It’s not mine. It’s so ugly.
Evidence! Evidence! Please make a note, Mr. Thakkar.
Tacker!
Sure, you also, take care, But… point to be noted.
Your Nepali girlfriend, the one you play badminton with…
You’ve mixed my clothes with her’s, and put them in the washing machine?
Don’t they have washing machines in Nepal?
First of all, that tank top belongs to me.
Remo Sir is making a new film, “Crossdresser 3”…
…and I needed a tank top for the audition.
Will you hear me out? Will you let me explain?
What the hell is left for you to explain to us, gigolo?
Madam, he is a super spreader. But not of viruses… of sperms!
And what about this tank top?
This doesn’t belong to me.Whose is it?
Whose hand just popped into frame? Rajni, did you see that?
There’s a third person in my house, busy planting tank tops.
All right, fine. Shilpi is here.What does that prove?
She’s my friend.
Shilpi, I mean, we’re friends first, right?
What?
What… wait… Shilpi…
Rajni! I want justice!
This is a point to be noted! Radhika is living with someone!
But I am living alone. I’m living with this plant.
Evidence! Where is the evidence? Anyone can say anything they like.
Exactly! Exactly!
I can also say that I pay Goods and Services Tax every month, but where is proof?
Sorry… please delete this example. Sorry.
Mr. Tripathy, please think for a second before you speak
You’ve been screaming all kinds of things-
Bhavya! Bhavna! Gigolo! Gigolo! But what evidence do you have?
Just the voice of a child, right? But that could come from anywhere.
What we have is a confession from Radhika. What did she just tell us?
She said, a woman named Shilpi… A whole, complete woman…
…is living with her. What other evidence do you need? Tell us.
I object! Just because Shilpi and I are sleeping together…
…it doesn’t mean we’re sleeping together.
Absolutely! In my house, Vipul, Bhaichung, Kalpesh and I…
…cuddle up and sleep every night. But does that mean we’re lesbians?
Where is the logic?
Yes! And one more thing… Just because, you abandoned me…
…I called Shilpi… because she isn’t just my friend… uh, best friend…
…but she’s also a professional therapist, a brilliant one, at that.
She has helped many people… Depressed actors, depressed pets…
…depressed… cows? Depressed - oh yeah- In fact, once we were going somewhere…
…and there was this depressed …cow, right in the middle of the road.
She had blocked the entire road. Shilpi went and spoke to that cow.
And the cow left?
No, we left. The cow shook her head, and told Shilpi she won’t move.
She was very depressed.
She is an extremely professional and brilliant therapist.
And by the way, therapy is like… uh… essential service!.
It’s like an online delivery for the blind. No… for the mind! For the mind.
Who is giving you these words?
Who is feeding you with these words?
Speak your own words first!
Rajni, this is what she always does. In my absence, she calls all these…
…girls over, and they have ‘fun’.
Once, I was in the hospital, for 3-4 days… I was getting treatment because…
…I was auditioning for “Fear Factor”, and a crocodile attacked my-
Attacked your what?
Attacked my… inner… attacked a sensitive area. The details are not important. Why do you care where it bit me?
That’s not the core issue. The point is, when I returned from the hospital…
…there was a lady stuck to my wall, she was upside down.
Her t-shirt was on her face!
Because she was my yoga teacher, Sujin!
Then why was she hiding her face?
Because she was doing a Shirshasana (headstand). Ever heard of gravity?
She always confuses me with words like these - gravity, Shirshasana
What is so confusing in my yoga teacher being my yoga teacher?
(in Bengali)This man is a huge oaf.
She’s abusing me in Bengali, again. I can swear in Bengali too, okay?
Dumb fuck.
Translate what you just said in Bengali.
Or ask Shilpi to come translate it. Ask her to show her face.
What is it?
France 4-7?
Germany?
6-1?
Spain… bet on Spain.
This man is planning to run away to Europe!.
He’ll go there and make white babies!
And then he’ll abandon them, just like he abandoned Radhika.
Why is Mr. Tripathy obsessed with my sperm?
I am not humping anyone.I am not producing babies.
I am betting! Okay?
I’m gambling, all right? Happy?
What?
Yes! That’s the truth.
I like to bet on cricket. Sometimes, football.
And sometimes, horses.
You know how I get glued to the TV when there’s a cricket match.
Did you think I’m a big cricket fan?
Bullshit! Nobody loves cricket that much.
I was always betting, okay? That was always my main profession.
Acting is just a part time job.
India just lost to New Zealand and, I just lost a whole lot of money.
I thought I’ll win it all back in the upcoming T20 tournament.
So I went to meet my bookie, to explain this to him.
And then this lockdown was announced, in the middle of all that
Now I’m screwed.
Such a big lie?
Sujin, so you were never a fan of R. Ashwin?
No.
Hang on, you told me you were wearing those short shorts to go play badminton…
…and you went to Nepal?!
I’m not in Nepal, I’m in Chembur.
My bookie is from Nepal, but he has a flat in Chembur
Much like how you’re from Delhi, but you’re living in Mumbai…
…in my grandmother’s flat, who lives in Lucknow. Simple.
But… I…
How did you have a baby in the middle of all this?
I didn’t have a baby. It is Shreshtha’s baby that was making -
Shreshtha! Show them your face!
Fucker, because of you, I’m getting a divorce!
He’s kept me locked up in here because I owe him 55 lakhs.
55 lakhs!
55 lakhs is nothing, I’ve been down 2 crores also.
That’s not the problem.The problem is that the…
…T20 tournament got cancelled. So now, Shreshtha is pissed off.
And he’s locked me in here.
Just yesterday, I was at the window, screaming for help
…but the whole country was busy banging pots and pans.
Shreshtha will only let me go when he recovers his money.
Oh, so you are in a lockdown, inside a lockdown?
Yes.
Sujin, you turned out to be a gambler?
Since when have you been gambling?
For the last 18 years.
If you were not flirting with other ladies, you would have noticed.
That sofa that you sprawl out on everyday, where do you think it came from?
My birthday present…
that was from that butter ad, right?
You can’t even buy one pack of butter with the money you get on a butter ad.
So a sofa is out of the question, It is such an expensive sofa.
India vs Pakistan, T20 final. The odds were 9-1. I won that bet.
For all these years, I’ve been sitting on a lie.
Yuck!
Perhaps we should stop. That’s enough for the day, okay?
Control yourselves, everyone.
Spain is now 37-1?
Germany?
- Look!
- 4-1?
He is still betting!
You’re gambling in the middle of your divorce!
Tell the judge what this bet is. Tell him right now!
All sports have been suspended
What are you even betting on?
Sujin, you have the right to remain silent.
That isn’t necessary, Rajni. Radhika is my school friend, she’ll understand.
Mocha, Shreshtha and I have a bet on which European country will end its lockdown first.
If I win this bet, I can exit Shreshtha’s lockdown, and...
enter Modi’s lockdown.
Sure! Just like Omar Abdullah and Peter Mukerjee.
I think we’ve had enough of this story!
Now if you don’t reveal Shreshtha to us,
we win the case.
Radhika ma’am, you and Shilpi should start planning the house-warming party
I’ll be the first to reach that sexy 2BHK
… and I’ll bring Cauliflower Manchurian.
Enough! We’ve presented enough evidence.
Please understand one thing, my client’s words are full and final.
What evidence have you presented?
I can bet there is no Shreshtha!
I can be there is Shreshtha.
10-1! There is no Shreshtha!
20-1! Place your bet!
Shreshtha, I’m in the middle of my divorce.
I need to go sweep the floor, I’ll be right back.
Wait man- Just listen.
Look! There he is. I was right. There’s Shreshtha. See for yourself.
There is Shreshtha!
You can’t show us just anyone’s bottom and say there is a Shreshtha.
That’s not how things work. We reject your hypothesis.
We’ve had enough for today. Let’s get out of here.
Come on, we close this session right now.
Sure, if that’s how you’ll act, we don’t care either. We can also close.
Look, here’s another one
A sequin tank top.
Don’t give that one to Shilpi. It belongs to Ranveer Singh.