- ARE YOU READY, KIDS?
all: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
- I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
all: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
- * OHH...
* WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? *
all: * SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
- * ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE *
all: * SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
- * IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH *
all: * SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
- * THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH *
all: * SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - READY?
all: * SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
- * SPONGEBOB...
* SQUAREPANTS
[laughing]
*
[waves crashing]
[cheery ukulele music]
*
- AH, YES, JUST HOW I LIKE IT--
NICE AND EMPTY.
- HEY, I'M STILL HERE.
- OH, YES, SIRREE.
NICE AND EMPTY.
[Hawaiian string music]
*
- DO YOU WORK HERE?
- [spits]
WELCOME TO THE KRUSTY-- [sputters]
[overlapping muttering]
WELL, THERE GOES MY NAP.
[hornpipe music] MULTIPLE ORDERS UP! SPONGEBOB!
SPONGEBOB!
WHERE ARE YOU?
YOU NEED TO GET OUT HERE AND MAKE THOSE KRABBY PATTIES!
- [jabbers happily]
- [growls]
[inhales deeply]
SPONGEBOB!
GET IT TOGETHER, SPONGEBOB.
THE DINING ROOM IS FULL OF RAVENOUS CUSTOMERS.
- [cries like a monkey]
- I GOT IT.
[whistles]
- HMM.
WHAT WAS THAT IMBECILE DOING IN THERE?
AN OLD BOOK?
- [gasps] NOTHING.
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- THANK YOU.
- EXCUSE ME.
I WANTED PICKLES ON MINE.
- HMM.
IF SPONGE-BRAIN IS KEEPING THE BOOK AWAY FROM ME,
THEN I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO READ IT.
[door opens, footsteps approaching]
- I'LL TAKE THAT, THANK YOU.
- THERE HE GOES AGAIN,
SCRIBBLING AWAY IN THAT LITTLE BOOK.
I MUST ADMIT, MY CURIOSITY IS PIQUED.
I GUESS I'M PIQUED TO PEEK AT THAT BOOK.
[laughs]
OH, FUN.
- HUH?
- HEY, SPONGEBOB, YOU NEED TO MAKE A DELIVERY.
- OKEYDOKEY.
- THE ADDRESS IS ON THE BAG.
- I GOT IT.
- [whistles]
[gasps] IT'S A DIARY!
OH-HO-HO.
THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD. HUH?
DRAT, IT'S LOCKED.
[grunting]
HMM. I NEED A HAIRPIN.
[heavenly choir sings a chord]
AND NOW THE DIARY OF A MORON.
"DEAR DIARY, WHAT AN AMAZING..."
[SpongeBob narrating] DAY I'VE HAD.
THIS MORNING I WAS GREETED
BY MY NEAREST AND DEAREST NEIGHBOR, SQUIDWARD.
HE HAD SOME VERY IMPORTANT NEWS HE WAS JUST BURSTING TO SHARE.
HE HAD DECIDED THAT TODAY WOULD BE THE PERFECT DAY
TO DELIVER HIS PROFOUND OPINIONS
ON HOW TO PROPERLY RAISE AND CARE FOR A HOUSEHOLD PET...
- [spits]
- SPECIFICALLY, WHAT NOT TO FEED THEM.
THE LIST WAS VERY THOROUGH.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THIS IS ALL VERY ENLIGHTENING.
IT WARMS MY HEART
TO KNOW THAT SQUIDWARD THINKS WE'RE CLOSE ENOUGH
TO USE THE HARSHEST WORDS IN HIS CRITIQUE--
HORRIBLE WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE USED AROUND STRANGERS,
WHO MAY NOT KNOW
HOW WELL-INTENTIONED THOSE WORDS ARE.
KNOWING I HAVE A TENDENCY TO DAWDLE,
GARY CUT OUR CONVERSATION SHORT.
[alarm bell rings]
AND I WAS HURRIED ALONG TO WORK
WHERE I ARRIVED ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF EARLY
FOR WHAT MAY BE MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR--
CLEANING DAY!
TOGETHER, MR. KRABS AND I SCRUBBED
EVERY INCH OF THE KRUSTY KRAB.
AND FINALLY, WITH A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE,
WE WERE ABLE TO GET INTO EVEN THE TIGHTEST SPOTS.
AH, YES, CLEANING DAY.
- GREAT NEPTUNE!
I HAD NO IDEA!
THE DEPTH OF HIS DELUSION IS AWE-INSPIRING!
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS DELIVERY ADDRESS
DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
[gasps] WAIT A MINUTE.
SQUIDWARD!
HE MUST HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM OF A PRANK PHONE CALL.
POOR SQUIDWARD.
HE CAN BE SO GULLIBLE.
- OH, BOY!
A KETCHUP PACKET!
THAT'LL GO GREAT ON THIS OLD DIAPER.
- OH, SQUIDWARD!
YOU ARE GONNA LAUGH WHEN YOU HEAR WHAT I'VE...BEEN.
SQUIDWARD? WHERE ARE YOU?
COULD HAVE SWORE I JUST SAW HIM.
- SPONGEBOB, UH,
ONE OF THE CUSTOMERS DROPPED HIS WATCH IN A TOILET
AND I NEED YOU TO FISH IT OUT.
- DUTY CALLS.
- [laughs]
[coughs]
- YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
- WHAT? OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.
I WAS JUST READING WHAT SPONGEBOB WROTE IN HIS DIARY.
IT'S HILARIOUS.
- READING SOMEBODY ELSE'S DIARY--
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
TELL ME MORE.
- IT SAYS HERE,
WHEN SPONGEBOB SEES PLAID,
HE HAS THIS UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN.
[both laughing]
- DID SOMEBODY SAY "PLAID"?
WHY, I'M A PLAID ENTHUSIAST.
I JUST GOT ME NEW KILT TODAY.
- OH, SPONGEBOB.
CAN YOU COME HERE, PLEASE?
- I COULDN'T FIND THAT WATCH ANYWHERE.
ALL I FOUND WAS THIS STUFF.
- I FELL IN.
- AND THAT GUY.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MR. KRABS' NEW PLAID KILT?
- P-P-P-P-PLAID?
- HEY! [crash]
- [clucking]
[crows like a rooster]
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NASTY ABOUT IT!
- [clucking]
AVERT YOUR EYES, SQUAREPANTS.
I HAVE TO TAKE MY BREAK!
[inhales, exhales deeply]
[sighs]
- LISTEN TO THIS.
SPONGEBOB HAS NAMED HIS SPATULA "FIFI."
[laughter]
- HE NAMED IT FIFI.
- HE NAMED HIS SPATULA FIFI.
FIFI.
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS FIFI?
- [laughing wildly]
WHO EVER HEARD OF NAMING A SPATULA FIFI?
IT'S A GIRL'S NAME!
RIGHT, FRANK?
- I'M BACK FROM MY BREAK. ANY ORDERS, SQUIDWARD?
- YEAH, COOK ME UP A KRABBY PATTY.
WITH GOOD OLD FIFI.
- [shudders]
OH, SURE THING.
FIFI, HOW DID PATRICK KNOW YOUR NAME?
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING?
- OH, OH, THIS IS THE BEST ONE YET.
GET THIS.
"IF I HEAR THE BIKINI BOTTOM MUNICIPAL ANTHEM,
"I CAN'T HELP BUT TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES
AND DANCE AROUND IN MY UNDERWEAR!"
[laughter]
QUIET, QUIET, QUIET.
WATCH THIS.
[anthem music plays]
**
[laughter, music stops]
- MY DIARY!
SQUIDWARD! HOW COULD YOU?
[laughter]
[crying]
[clucks, cries]
- HA.
- THAT WAS THAT LITTLE DUDE'S DIARY?
[door slams]
[overlapping murmuring] - THAT IS NOT OKAY.
- THAT WAS UNCOOL. - THAT'S LOW, SQUIDWARD...
EVEN FOR YOU.
YOU'D BETTER APOLOGIZE.
- [scoffs] HE'LL GET OVER IT.
- [crying]
- [scatting]
*
- EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!
JERK READS DIARY.
LOCAL FRY COOK DEVASTATED.
- OH, BOY.
LET ME SEE ONE OF THOSE PAPERS.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
HA HA!
TAXI.
[tires screech]
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HOLD IT, PAL.
YOU'RE THAT DIARY READER.
- YES, I AM.
[tires squeal]
[coughing]
- DIARY THIEF! - JERK!
- SECRET STEALER!
- BILLY, STAY AWAY FROM THAT MEAN, OLD DIARY READER.
- MORONS.
- SQUIDWARD TENTACLES,
BY READING ANOTHER PERSON'S DIARY,
YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE TERMS OF YOUR LOAN.
WE ARE REPOSSESSING YOUR HOUSE.
- [coughs] WHAT? - TAKE IT AWAY, BOYS.
[thunder booms]
- OW.
[club bangs] - HEY!
YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE, FELLA.
[horn honks] WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE THAT DIARY READER.
I HAD A DIARY ONCE.
MY BROTHER READ IT!
I HAD A BROTHER ONCE!
COME ON, FELLA!
WE HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU!
- DIARY READER!
- WHAT? YOU READ IT TOO.
- OH, SURE.
BLAME EVERYONE BUT YOURSELF.
OH, THAT IS SO YOU.
[grunts]
- HI, SQUIDWARD.
HOW'S IT GOING? - SPONGEBOB, OH, THANK GOODNESS.
YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME. - WHAT FOR?
- FOR READING YOUR DIARY. - OH, THAT.
YOU KNOW, SQUIDWARD, EVERYONE WAS SO AMUSED BY IT,
I HAD IT PUBLISHED.
IT'S A BEST SELLER.
AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.
BESIDES, YOU ONLY READ MY WORK DIARY.
YOU'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN MY SECRET PERSONAL DIARY.
NOW, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY EMBARRASSING.
- THERE HE IS-- THE DIARY READER!
LET'S GET HIM! all: YEAH!
- PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
STOP YOUR ASSAULT!
THROUGH MY ART, AS AN AUTHOR, I HAVE FORGIVEN SQUIDWARD.
- OH, YEAH?
DID YOU KNOW HE'S READING YOUR PERSONAL DIARY?
- [laughing]
- SQUIDWARD! HOW COULD YOU?
[crying]
[murmuring angrily]
- I DON'T CARE.
THIS IS SO WORTH IT.
[laughing]
[hornpipe music]