Wah-tah!
Hi-yah!
MAN (VOICEOVER): And now, DreamWorks' Kung Fu Panda:
Legends of Awesomeness.
THEME SONG: Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda!
[SCATTING]
Raised in a noodle shop, never seeking glory or fame.
He climbed the mountain top and earned the Dragon Warrior name.
Ooh, ah, ya!
Kung Fu Panda!
[SCATTING]
Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom,
and master the skills of bodacious and awesome!
Kung Fu Panda!
[SCATTING]
He lives, and he trains, and he fights with the Furious Five.
Protect the Valley, something, something,
something, something alive!
Ooh, ah, ya!
Kung Fu Panda!
Legends of awesomeness.
Sweet.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHIFU (VOICEOVER): When I was young,
there was someone at the Jade Palace
who always looked out for me.
His name was Xinshi, and he was my friend.
We were inseparable.
He was the only one who could make me laugh.
PO: Wait, wait, wait, you laughed?
Eventually Xinshi left to work for the Emperor.
I haven't seen in the years, but we've kept in touch.
Not long ago, Temutai and his Qidan warriors
were planning to attack China.
Man!
I hate it when people attack China!
Xinshi caught wind of the plot, and it was foiled.
Temutai has sworn revenge.
So we're going to protect your buddy.
Anybody gets near him, and I'll be like, what?
What?
[KUNG FU NOISES]
Yes, but first, we have to find him.
Xinshi has gone into hiding.
I'm expecting a message from him with his location,
but Zeng is late again, as usual.
Come on. Zeng does his best.
Which isn't good enough!
He's less reliable than that chair.
Wait, this--
[CHAIR CRACKING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Let's go find Zeng.
Who knows what kind of trouble he's gotten himself into?
[SCREAMING]
You've discontinued the spicy noodles?
Those were my favourite.
You'll eat plain noodles and like it, lackey!
SHIFU: Zeng!
Master Shifu, uh, I was just bringing you--
In the middle of delivering a life or death message,
you stop for a snack?
But I was just--
Of all the inept, blundering, useless, incompetent,
bumbling, selfish, dunderheaded, dim-witted,
self-serving, idiotic--
It was my lunch break!
I do, and I do, and I do for you.
I deliver messages.
I mop the floor.
I massage your feet!
Ew.
I just traveled over 200 miles with your stupid message,
and all I want is my spicy noodles!
Can't you even let me have that? -No!
I need that message now!
Relax.
I got it right here, OK?
Nothing's going to happen to it.
[TING]
At last.
I have the location of the treacherous Xinshi.
My revenge will be sweet!
Not if I have--
[GARBLED SPEECH]
It's polite to let him finish, but I value your enthusiasm!
[THUD]
[YELLING]
MR. PING: Stop that!
Huh?
No more kung fu fights in here.
[BOTH SIGH]
We'll take that message.
I don't think so!
Come on, boys.
My knuckles are hungry.
[YELLING]
Wah-tah!
Huh!
Keep away!
[YELLING]
[LAUGHTER]
Time to choose.
The message or the messenger!
Ah! -Zeng!
Get out of there!
I can't!
[WOOD CRACKING]
PO: Ugh!
Shifu!
We will make Xinshi pay for what he has done.
Pay the ultimate-- price!
[GRUNTING]
[CRASH]
Whoa.
You OK, Shifu?
What do you think?
SHIFU: This is all due to your incompetence!
Now Po will have to find Xinshi and protect him without me.
If anything happens to him--
[GRUNTING]
What do you have to say for yourself?
I was really hungry?
Not good enough!
Pack your things, Zeng.
The Jade Palace no longer requires
your so-called services.
Whoa, Shifu.
Don't you think you--
You're-- you're firing me?
Of course I am, and it's been a long time coming.
Oh, yeah?
Well-- well, you're fired from my life!
Very well then.
Huh?
[CRYING]
Hey, Zeng.
Sorry about that.
Come on.
It's not that bad.
Of course it's that bad.
How could it be worse?
You could have had a huge water tower fall on you.
[CRYING] And
This could be a great thing.
You've always said you were under-appreciated
as a messenger.
Now you can be anything!
The sky's the limit. -Really?
Absolutely.
A smart, capable duck like you.
I'm a goose.
You could be a poet, or a carpenter,
or a kung fu master, or-- -Ooh!
Do you really think I could be a kung fu master?
Uh, hypothetically, yeah.
[CRYING]
Of course you can!
Uh, look at you.
That perfect physique, that noble bearing.
You're a natural!
Well, I guess if an overweight, ungainly panda can
be a Kung Fu master, I can too!
I mean, just look at you.
You're practically grotesque.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
I'm gonna do it!
That'll show Shifu.
Good plan.
Lemme know how it goes.
Well, I got to head out and find that Xinshi guy.
[THUD]
What are you doing?
If I'm gonna be a kung fu master,
I want to start right away!
And since this thing with Xinshi is partly my fault--
Entirely.
I should help fix it.
So let's go, fellow kung fu master buddy!
Wa-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Ya-zoo! Ooh!
When I'm part of the Furious Five,
I can boss around the Jade Palace staff like they do.
Did you know that Mantis makes me do his laundry?
Hoo-ha-ha!
I wash it in a teacup.
Hey, we'll have to change the name of the Furious Five.
How about the Savage Six? ooh, it'll be so great!
Ha! Wah-tah!
Yeah, special.
So fellow kung fu master, how are we gonna find Xinshi?
Well, Temutai and his warriors went this way,
we just find some witnesses, ask a few questions--
Maybe those guys saw them.
When I get through with them, they'll be begging
to tell us what they know.
It's time for Zeng to bring the pain.
Oh, no, Zeng! Zeng!
No!
Kung fu master Zeng is here!
Who wants to get their butt kicked?
Huh?
Apparently kung fu master Zeng does.
[LAUGHS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
I warn you.
My wings are so dangerous, I-- I'm afraid to scratch myself!
[YELLING]
Ugh.
A tough guy, huh? Wah!
Ya-ya-ya! Wah!
[SMACKING]
You know what? I gotta stop you.
This is just getting sad. Huh?
Looking for this?
Hey!
My mom gave me that!
Oh, sorry!
Wah-tah! ZENG: Wah!
Ya-ya-ya!
Wah!
Zeng!
Wah-ha!
[GRUNTING] -Easy!
Huh!
Wah!
Wah-tah!
Enough!
We need to know if you've seen some Qidan warriors.
Ugh.
Yeah, they were heading east into the desert.
Why didn't you just ask?
I don't know.
Why didn't we?
[CRYING]
Hey, come on.
Cut it out.
[CRYING]
I ruined everything back there.
I-- I thought I could be a kung fu master.
Ha!
I was a joke.
No, no, no, no, no. You did great.
No, I didn't!
I was terrible.
[HONKS]
Look.
I know you think you got shoved around, and beat
up, and couldn't fight at all, and-- and--
and that's just how it seemed because it
was your first fight.
But really, you were awesome.
Remember when you set me up for that move
by letting that guy swing you around?
[SNIFFLING]
I-- I did?
Sure!
That was amazing, buddy.
Classic kung fu master stuff.
It-- it was?
Totally!
You were like all, bam!
Pow!
And those guys were terrified of you.
Hm! They were, weren't they?
You were kicking butt.
No, you're just saying that to cheer me up.
You don't want to know.
Yeah!
Who's the best?
I am?
Who's the best?
I am!
Thanks, Po.
I feel so much better.
Now let's find Xinshi and protect his brains out.
[THUD]
Whoa!
Look!
[CHANTING]
It's Temutai's rear guard.
If we follow them from a distance and-- oh, no.
ZENG: I am the best! -Zeng!
I'm just saying that as part of the rear guard,
I feel unappreciated.
Temutai says rear guard is important too.
But the fact that he has to say it,
you know, that means something.
ZENG: Kung fu master Zeng!
[SMACK]
Hey, I've always wanted to hurt a duck.
I'm a goose. PO: Ha!
Tell us where Xinshi is, and no one gets hurt.
Too late.
[GRUNTING]
[ROCK CRUMBLING] -Whoa.
[ROCKS FALLING]
[TING]
Wah! Ya-ya-ya!
Wah!
Zeng!
[GRUNTING]
Xinshi.
Where?
Yeah!
Yangzhou Township.
A few miles that way. -Yes!
We did it, buddy.
We are the masters! Wah!
Ya-ya-ya!
Wah!
[RUMBLING]
Wow, that was something.
Check me out.
I guess I have a powerful kung fu master kick, huh?
No!
You're not a kung fu master.
You're not an anything master!
But you said--
I said what I had to say to cheer you up.
I'm sorry for you, OK?
But you weren't supposed to take it seriously,
and you weren't supposed to trap me under a giant rock!
So you were lying?
I-- I just wanted to make you feel better.
But you just-- you really aren't good at kung fu.
Really.
A lot.
Oh.
Well, that's good to know.
For a little while there, I thought
I wasn't completely useless.
(SOBBING) Thanks for setting me straight.
Zeng, no.
I mean, I didn't-- I didn't mean-- wait, Zeng.
Zeng!
Zeng, I'm trapped here!
GUARD: You told that guy he could be a good kung fu master?
He was crying!
He's crying now, so good job.
I just wanted to help.
How is that helping?
The guy has to deal with reality.
Lying to him only makes it worse.
What are you, my dad?
You weren't trying to help him.
You were just uncomfortable with his crying,
so you lied to shut him up.
You think you're good guy, but you're
nothing but a selfish liar.
[ROCKS RATTLING]
Whoa.
I am a good guy!
Yeah, man, y-- you-- you're a great guy.
Ugh, I've gotta find Zeng before he gets himself hurt.
So who's up for a sing-a-long?
[CRYING]
What's the point?
Why even go on? I'm worthless.
I can't do anything.
[CRYING]
May I help you?
No one can help me.
I'm beyond help!
[CRYING]
Wait. That's a Jade Palace uniform.
Did Shifu send you? -What?
Wait. Is this Yangzhou?
Are you Xinshi?
Yes and yes.
[GASPS]
I found you.
I-- I-- I did something right.
I did something right!
We gotta get out of here. Now!
Why?
What's the problem?
WARRIOR: There they are.
Get them!
[YELLING]
Oh, that's the problem.
We're sitting ducks here in the open.
-Geese. -Huh?
Never mind.
Uh, don't worry.
I'll fly you out of here.
[STRUGGLING]
[PANTING]
All you're doing is making me self-conscious about my weight.
Sorry.
Maybe we should run!
[YELLING]
[FOOTSTEPS PATTERING]
Ah!
This is all my fault.
You can't blame yourself.
I was delivering your message to Shifu,
and I took a lunch break, and Temutai stole it from me.
[CRYING]
[HONKING]
[HONK ECHOING]
[YELLING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, no.
Look.
They'll have to squeeze through one at a time.
Maybe you can fight them off.
Me?
Why don't you fight them off?
You're from the Jade Palace.
So are you!
Yeah, but--
BOTH: I'm just a messenger!
I thought you were a kung fu master.
Hang on.
If you're just a messenger, how did you stop a war?
I delivered the message that foiled Temutai's battle plans.
[WARRIOR YELLING]
I can't fight, but I can slap pretty good.
Then let us go down slapping together, my friend.
[BOTH YELLING]
[SLAPPING]
[GRUNTING]
[SMACK]
Temutai says you must pay.
PO: Heads up!
Wah-tah!
One down, 42 to go.
[KUNG FU NOISES]
I'm sorry I let you down, Po.
I let you down.
You needed help, and all I did was lie to cheer you up.
I'm sorry.
Wah-tah-tah!
That's OK.
So, um, how can we help? -I don't know.
Maybe stack these guys?
They're starting to pile up.
Yah!
[KUNG FU NOISES]
[PANTING]
Ow!
[ALL MOANING]
[SIGHS]
Are we done here?
There's just one more.
[ROCK SHATTERING]
Xinshi, face the wrath of Temutai,
Warrior King of the Qidan!
You'll have to get through me first.
OK.
[SMACK]
[LAUGHS]
[GROANING]
[THUD]
That's it. I-- I've got to do something.
Zeng!
Don't worry, Master Po, I've got this.
Hi-yah!
[WINGS FLAPPING]
TEMUTAI: [LAUGHING]
Looks like your duck was a chicken.
Goose!
Temutai, let the Dragon Warrior go.
It's me you want revenge on.
[SMACK]
Actually, I hate both of you.
Give me a sec to finish him, and then I'll be right with you!
[GRUNTING]
ZENG: Temutai!
I have defeated you with the power of competent messagering.
[LAUGHS]
[WHOOSH]
Ohh, dang.
[KUNG FU NOISES]
Great job, Zeng, but how did you get them here so fast?
A good messenger never reveals his secrets.
[KUNG FU NOISES]
So I thought Zeng was a kung fu master, and he thought I was!
[LAUGHS]
[SPLASH]
Oh, tea out the nose.
Just like old times.
Wait, I'm not drinking tea.
Master Shifu, um, I know I let you down, and I'm sorry.
But what I do here is important.
I need you to take me seriously.
You're right, Zeng.
I haven't always shown you the respect you deserve.
I apologise.
I'd like to offer you your old job back if you'll take it.
Thank you. I accept.
And I'd like to offer you your old job back.
Hm?
In my life.
I also accept.
Excellent.
Now if you could just mop up this tea or whatever it is.
Sorry! On my lunch break.
[LAUGHS]
On his lunch break!
He was joking, right? BOTH: Nope.
[MUSIC PLAYING]