- WA-CHA! HIYA!
- AND NOW DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA:
LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS.
[gong rings]
- * HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP *
* NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP *
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
OOH! AHH! YAH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS
* OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS *
* WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE
* PROTECT THE VALLEY SOMETHING SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING SOMETHING ALIVE *
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET!
[traditional Chinese music]
*
[kung fu fighting sounds]
both: [grunting]
- UNH!
- [angry gibberish]
[gasps]
- HIYA! - YAAH!
- YOUR CRIME-DOING DAYS ARE OVER, TEMUTAI!
TIME TO PAY THE PANDA!
[gong sounds]
[gasps] THE GONG!
- LUNCH!
- LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE WRONG, DRAGON WARRIOR!
I LAUGH AT YOU AND I RUN AWAY!
[mocking laughter]
- OOPS.
- YOU LET TEMUTAI GET AWAY?!
- [muffled with food] OF COURSE I DIDN'T.
WELL, MAYBE.
SORTA. A LITTLE BIT.
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN NEXT TIME.
NEXT TIME I SEE TEMUTAI HE'S MINE!
AND SO IS THAT MOONCAKE!
HUNH! - HEY!
- OH, MM. BLAGH! I'M SORRY.
DID YOU WANT THAT?
- FORGET IT.
- [chewing, gulping]
- AH, HERE YOU ALL ARE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER.
- AND YOU FOUND US WHERE WE LIVE. IMAGINE.
- YOU ALL KNOW MRS. YOON, MY NEW SECRETARY.
- I KNOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
[chuckles]
- I HAVE EXCITING NEWS! ARE YOU ALL SITTING DOWN?
AH, SO YOU ARE. NOW THEN...
UPPER HEAD DISTRICT CHIEF SUPERIOR
SUPERINTENDENT CHANG IS GOING TO BE
PASSING THROUGH THE VILLAGE,
SO I'M GOING TO THROW HIM A BANQUET!
- [loud chewing] [spits]
AWESOME! A BANQUET! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO ONE!
[loud chewing]
- INVITATIONS WILL BE ALL SENT OUT SHORTLY,
BUT I WANT TO MAKE CERTAIN YOU'LL BE IN ATTENDANCE!
IT'S GOING TO BE A GRAND AFFAIR!
- OOH-OOH! A GRAND AFFAIR!
DID YOU HEAR THAT? THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT!
- I'M SORRY, CONSTABLE HU.
BUT WE DON'T NORMALLY ATTEND BANQUETS...
FOR BUREAUCRATS.
- OH, CHANG'S NOT JUST ANY BUREAUCRAT!
HE'S THE BUREAUCRAT! AN ABSOLUTE LEGEND!
HE BEGAN AS THE ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT
OF THE ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT'S ASSISTANT
OF BUREAUCRATIC AFFAIRS.
IT WAS THERE THAT HE MADE AN AMAZING DISCOVERY.
YOU CAN'T BE BLAMED WHEN THINGS GO WRONG,
IF YOU NEVER ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING.
HE WAS QUICKLY PROMOTED
TO A NEW POSITION WHERE HE DID NOTHING.
THEN WAS PROMOTED AGAIN WHERE HE DID NOTHING.
AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
UNTIL HE HAD DONE SO MUCH NOTHING
THAT HE ROSE TO THE VERY TOP
WHERE HE REMAINS TO THIS VERY DAY.
- OH! IT'S EVEN BETTER THE SECOND TIME!
- I'M SORRY, CONSTABLE HU. BUT THE ANSWER IS STILL NO.
- AWWWWWWWWWWW...
- OH! BUT PLEASE! YOU HAVE TO! I NEED YOU!
IF YOU DON'T COME HE MIGHT NOT APPROVE MY TRANSFER!
- TRANSFER? TRANSFER?
WHO SAID WE'RE NOT COMING? OF COURSE WE'RE COMING!
all: RIGHT!
- WOOOOOOO! YEAH! PAR-TAY! WOO-HOO-HOO!
[loud chewing]
- WE COULD EVEN DO A PERFORMANCE
AT THE BANQUET IF YOU LIKE!
- A PERFOR--OH, YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME?
- WE'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
- I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME!
WHAT CHUMS YOU ARE!
THIS BANQUET SHALL BE THE MOST SOPHISTICATED, ELEGANT--
- [slurping] [gurgling]
MM.
MM-HM.
MM.
[slurping]
- UM...DIGNIFIED SOIREE THE VALLEY HAS EVER SEEN.
- HEY, IF YOU WANT...
I CAN SIT NEXT TO THIS CHANG GUY DURING DINNER.
- Y-Y-Y-Y-YOU?
- [chuckles] SURE.
[loud chewing]
I WON'T LEAVE HIS SIDE THE WHOLE NIGHT.
[loud belch]
SO, UH, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THOSE INVITATIONS AGAIN?
- IF THIS BANQUET GOES WELL,
CONSTABLE HU WILL BE LEAVING US.
NO MORE OF HIS PERMITS, HIS ENDLESS FORMS,
HIS CONSTANT MEDDLING.
WE'LL BE FREE.
[clears throat] THEREFORE,
THE PERFORMANCE WE DO MUST BE ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR!
- HOW ABOUT THE BLAZING WALL OF FURY?
- TOO BORING.
- PINNACLE OF PERFECTION?
- OH, EVERYBODY DOES THAT ONE.
- WE NEED SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW.
SOMETHING WITH ZIP! ZING! PIZZAZZ!
- DID HE JUST SAY PIZZAZZ?
- AND ZIP AND ZING.
- HEY! I GOT IT!
I SAW THIS GROUP IN THE VILLAGE
DO THIS THING ONCE, AND IT WAS AWESOME!
- WHAT? - OKAY.
SO THIS IS CALLED...
IMPROV.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS. IT'S HYSTERICAL!
IT'S SO FUNNY.
OKAY--LIKE, OKAY. SO IT'S--OKAY.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE THE AUDIENCE
AND GIVE SHIFU AND I THE SUGGESTIONS.
- SUGGESTIONS FOR WHAT?
- FOR THE LITTLE SKIT WE'RE GONNA DO.
- I DON'T WANT TO DO A LITTLE SKIT.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
THEY'RE GONNA HOWL. TRUST ME. HOWL.
HERE WE GO.
[clears throat]
HEY, EVERYBODY! HOW YOU ALL DOING?
GREAT! WE'RE GOING TO DO A SKIT BASED ON--
- I DON'T WANT TO DO A SKIT.
- YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT.
TO START THE HILARITY, THE FIRST SUGGESTION WE NEED
IS A LOCATION.
- A LOCATION FOR WHAT?
- FOR THE SKIT WE'RE GONNA DO.
- I DON'T WANT TO DO A SKIT.
- I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
- WE HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.
- DONE WHAT?
- THE SKIT!
- I DON'T WANT TO DO A SKIT.
- WOULD YOU JUST--? - ROCK QUARRY!
- WHAT? - THAT'S MY SUGGESTION.
FOR THE LOCATION.
- A ROCK QUARRY? SERIOUSLY?
BLECH! HOW ABOUT A DOCTOR'S OFFICE?
all: ROCK QUARRY!
- FINE, A ROCK QUARRY. BLECH.
[breathing loudly]
- WHEN IS THIS GONNA BE FUNNY?
- I JUST STARTED! GIVE IT A SECOND, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE THE ONES WHO SAID ROCK QUARRY.
HELLO, CO-WORKER.
HERE'S THAT ROCK YOU WANTED.
- LET'S DO THE PINNACLE OF PERFECTION.
- YEAH, GOOD IDEA. - PINNACLE OF PERFECTION.
- THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO. - YEAH!
- INVITATION, INVITATION TO THE PARTY.
- OOH! A PARTY! A PARTY! HA!
NO ONE THROWS A PARTY WITHOUT INVITING TEMUTAI,
WARRIOR KING OF THE QIDAN!
all: [fighting sounds]
- EXCELLENT.
UPPER HEAD DISTRICT CHIEF SUPERIOR SUPERINTENDENT CHANG
WILL BE MOST IMPRESSED.
- WHAT TIME SHOULD WE START HEADING DOWN TO THE BANQUET?
- I BELIEVE THE INVITATION SAID IT STARTED AT 6:00 SO...
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
CONSTABLE HU SENT YOUR INVITATION?
YOU GOT IT?
- OF COURSE HE DID. WE ALL GOT THEM.
- ME TOO. - SO DID I.
- YEAH. - I GOT IT.
- DIDN'T YOU GET YOURS?
- HUH.
- AND MAKE SURE MR. PING SERVES THE DIM SUM FIRST
AND THEN THE...
[gulps]
[whispering indistinctly]
- I'D LIKE TO TALK TO CONSTABLE HU.
- I'LL SEE IF HE'S AVAILABLE.
- [low voice] I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF HIM.
[continues, indistinct]
- HE'S AT THE DENTIST.
- UH, HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
UH, HEY, UM...
- UNH!
- CONSTABLE HU, I--UH...
- OH, UH, PO! HA HA!
WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?
- CONSTABLE HU, THERE SEEMS TO BE
A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH MY INVITATION.
I DIDN'T ACTUALLY...GET IT.
YET.
- DIDN'T...GET IT? REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S ODD. OH! I REMEMBER NOW.
UH, YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
- WHAT?
- [cries]
- OH, PO, I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS.
BUT YOUR MANNERS! THEY'RE ATROCIOUS!
I CAN'T EXPOSE CHANG TO THAT! HOW WOULD THAT MAKE ME LOOK?
YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS NIGHT IS TO ME!
- BUT YOU GOTTA LET ME COME!
EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS GOING!
- BWAAA, SEE YA TONIGHT, PO. BWAA, YOU BET BWAAA.
- YOU EVEN INVITED THE GUY THAT GOES "BWAAAA."
- HE MAY GO "BWAAA," BUT HIS MANNERS? IMPECCABLE.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
- CONSTABLE HU. PLEASE.
- PO! TWO WORDS...
NO!
- UM, THAT WAS ONE...WORD.
- UNH!
- I'M SORRY ABOUT THE BANQUET, PO.
- AAH!
DO YOU GUYS THINK THE WAY I EAT IS DISGUSTING?
- WE TRY NOT TO WATCH.
- BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT'S TOO DISGUSTING.
- UNH! WHOA!
UGH!
MAYBE YOU COULD TALK TO CONSTABLE HU.
YOU KNOW, TELL HIM IT'S OKAY TO LET ME COME.
- PO, I--PERHAPS IT'S BEST THIS WAY.
THIS BANQUET IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT AND...
- [gasps] YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO EITHER.
- PO, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND...
- NO, NO, NO! OH, I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND, ALL RIGHT.
I'M GROSS AND DISGUSTING AND NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND ME.
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE IN MY ROOM
HIDING MY HIDEOUSNESS.
- PO!
[sighs]
- WELL?
- I'M SORRY, TEMUTAI, BUT...
[gulps] YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
- ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE IT COULD BE A MISTAKE OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW HOW WE SOMETIMES GET THAT OTHER GUY'S MAIL.
MAYBE WHAT HAPPENED WAS THEY SENT MY INVITATION TO HIM AND...
- IT'S NO MISTAKE, TEMUTAI.
YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO THE BANQUET.
- NO ONE DISRESPECTS THE WARRIOR KING OF THE QIDAN
IN THIS MANNER!
RRAH! - UNH!
- DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL!
TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO ISN'T GOING?
- BUT YOU'RE NOT!
THE DRAGON WARRIOR HASN'T BEEN INVITED EITHER!
- WHAT? OH, OF COURSE. THAT MAKES SENSE.
I'VE SEEN THE WAY HE EATS.
AND IF THE DRAGON WARRIOR'S NOT THERE,
OUR MISSION WILL BE THAT MUCH EASIER!
- OUR MISSION?
- PREPARE THE TROOPS! GATHER ALL THE WEAPONS!
IF I CAN'T ENJOY THAT BANQUET, NO ONE WILL!
[fanatical laughter]
[light knock]
- GO AWAY.
- PO? MAY I COME IN PLEASE?
- I WOULDN'T WANT TO DISGUST YOU.
- PO. OPEN THE DOOR.
- HERE'S A BLINDFOLD SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GAZE
UPON MY GROTESQUITY.
[sighs] WHEN I WAS A KID, I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO BANQUETS
FOR THE SAME DARN REASON AS NOW.
[stomach grumbling]
APPARENTLY, YOU THROW UP ONE BOWL
OF SWEET AND SOUR CHOWDER, YOU GET PEGGED FOR LIFE.
[gagging]
[vomiting sounds]
all: [gasping]
- SO I'D HIDE IN A POT AND WATCH.
AND I'D SAY TO MYSELF,
"ONE DAY THAT'S GONNA BE ME SITTING THERE
HAVING A GOOD BANQUETY TIME.
ONE DAY I'M GONNA BE INVITED TO ONE OF THESE THINGS."
LOOKS LIKE I WAS WRONG.
- PO, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT WE'LL BE LEAVING FOR THE BANQUET IN AN HOUR.
- HAVE A GOOD TIME.
- I PLAN TO. BECAUSE YOU'RE COMING WITH US.
- WHAT?
- I TAUGHT YOU THE SECRETS OF KUNG FU.
I CAN CERTAINLY TEACH YOU MANNERS!
- SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK EXACTLY?
- IN ORDER FOR ME TO HELP YOU,
I NEED TO IDENTIFY WHICH OF YOUR MANNERS
ARE IN NEED OF IMPROVEMENT.
I'M GOING TO WATCH YOU EAT.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THAT?
'CAUSE I HEAR IT'S KINDA GROSS.
- PO. PO. PO. PO. PO. PO. PO.
I'VE BATTLED THE SKINLESS DEMONS OF TAOYAN PROVINCE.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE WATCHING YOU EAT.
I'M SORRY, PO. I FAILED YOU.
- [sighs] NO. I FAILED YOU GUYS.
I'M NOT WORTHY OF A FANCY BANQUET.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
- YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
- YEAH.
[sighs]
[overlapping chatter]
- ON YOUR TOES, EVERYONE.
EVEN THOUGH MY TUSKS ARE QUAKING...
[nervous laugh]
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE F-F-FINE!
[gong sounds]
- SURROUND THE HALL AND WAIT FOR MY SECRET SIGNAL.
THEY SHALL PAY FOR NOT INVITING ME.
- DON'T WANNA GO TO SOME DUMB BANQUET ANYWAY.
JUST SPEND A NICE QUIET NIGHT ALONE AWAY FROM ALL THAT...
FUN AND HILARITY AND COMPANIONSHIP.
I WANNA GO TO THAT BANQUET!
[grunts]
- SO, SUPERINTENDENT CHANG...
LOVELY WEATHER WE'RE HAVING, WHAT?
- IT'S TOO HUMID.
- OH, YES, QUITE. TOO HUMID.
WELL, PERHAPS WE CAN DO SOMETHING WITH THE...AIR-WATER.
- BORED NOW.
- OH, WELL, UH, THE FUN IS JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN, EH, SHIFU?
HM?
- YES, CERTAINLY--WITH YOUR PERMISSION, SUPERINTENDENT.
THE FURIOUS FIVE WILL NOW PERFORM
A DISPLAY OF SKILL AND DARING-- THE PINNACLE OF PERFECTION!
- SEEN IT.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- EVERY KUNG FU PALACE I VISIT
DOES AN IDIOTIC PINNACLE OF PERFECTION.
- OH. WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE FLAMING--
- BORING. - THE GOLDEN--
- OVERDONE. - FOUR FINGERS OF--
- NO, NO, NO. DO SOMETHING ELSE.
- SOMETHING...ELSE?
- YES. SOMETHING ELSE.
- UH, I'D LIKE TO DO A SKIT.
- WHAT? - WHAT?
all: WHAT?
- I NEED THE NAME OF A LOCATION...IN A ROCK QUARRY.
UGH. THIS ROCK THAT I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND
IS VERY HEAVY.
- YES, AND ROCK-LIKE.
- [sniffs loudly]
- [laughs] I LOVE IMPROV!
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'RE MAKING IT UP
AS THEY GO ALONG!
[laughing, muttering]
SHH, QUIET.
- HELP...RAIN, WHICH IS FALLING FROM THE SKY,
HAS, UH, TURNED THIS ROCK QUARRY INTO QUICKSAND.
I'M DROWNING IN THE QUICKSAND.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
I'M A DOCTOR WHO NEEDS HELP FIXING THIS SUNDIAL.
- UM...
HA! HA! HA...
- YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
- I--NO--YES, I... [whimpering]
- WHEN IS THIS GOING TO GET INTERESTING?
- UNH!
all: [kung fu yells]
[gasping]
[panicked screams, yells]
- SORRY TO BREAK IN. I FORGOT MY INVITATION.
NO, WAIT, I DIDN'T GET ONE AND WAS BEING FACETIOUS!
- [heavy sigh]
[loud crack]
- TEMUTAI! YOU'VE MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE COMING HERE.
- YOU TOO HAVE MADE MISTAKES.
SUCH AS UNCONVINCING SPACE WORK, DENIAL,
AND THE FAILURE TO COMMIT TO A PREMISE.
AND YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME TO YOUR PARTY!
I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL! SECRET SIGNAL!
- HUNH! - UNH!
- HUNH!
- HA-HA!
AAH!
[fighting sounds]
[crunching] - HUNH!
- THAT'S FUNNY.
- [gasps]
- * SNEAKING IN THE PARTY LIKE I USED TO DO *
WHOA...
* SNEAKING IN THE PARTY
OOH, FANCY.
OOH, TASTY.
[pottery clatters]
TEMUTAI GOT AN INVITE AND I DIDN'T? THAT IS--!
- OOH.
all: [groaning]
- OH.
- [laughs, muttering] YOU? AT A BANQUET?
YOU'D NEVER FIT IN. YOU'RE A SLOB.
AND YOU HAVE NO MANNERS!
- TEMUTAI, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU EAT, SILENTLY CHEW,
AND THEN POLITELY SWALLOW THOSE WORDS.
- NO.
- SECRET SIGNAL AGAIN!
- AAH!
[fighting sounds]
MAY I? THANK YOU.
[loud crash] - UNH!
- HA HA HA HA!
- ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE, MABLE.
HAAH! - UNH!
- [clears throat] PINKIES.
WA-TAA!
[loud crash]
MUSTN'T SLOUCH NOW. - UNH!
[roars]
[gulps]
- AH, AH, AH, AH, AH. NO TALKING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!
AND NO SPITTING EITHER.
[fighting sounds]
WHOA--OOH!
OW!
[loud crash]
- [groans]
I APOLOGIZE.
YOU HAVE EXCELLENT MANNERS.
[claps twice]
- THANKS EVER SO MUCH, DRAGON WARRIOR!
NOW, SKEDADDLE AND HERE'S A COOKIE FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
- WAIT!
THIS WARRIOR DESERVES A PLACE AT OUR TABLE!
- AT THE...TABLE.
[uncomfortable laugh] OH, DEAR, NO.
[snaps fingers]
- NOW WE EAT.
- [gasps]
- WHOOPS! FLOOR BUN!
FIVE-SECOND RULE.
[chewing loudly]
HERE COMES THE WAGON! [belches]
WELL?
- I'M RIGHT WITH YOU!
[loud chewing]
- I'M DONE.
- HU, THIS PARTY HAS BEEN AN UNPLEASANT DISASTER...
UNTIL THIS CRAZY BROTHER SHOWED UP!
- [gulps]
[laughs] FUNNY THING IS, I WASN'T EVEN--
- THAT LATE! SO VERY GLAD YOU MADE IT, PO.
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE HIM.
- HANG ON, HERE COMES THE WAGON AGAIN!
[long belch]
[belch echoes]
- WELL, WHAT A SUCCESS.
CONSTABLE HU SHOULD BE PROMOTED
AND SENT AWAY AT ONCE!
- THAT'S A THOUGHT...
BUT I COULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU, HUEY!
THIS PLACE IS GREAT!
I'M GOING TO RENEW YOUR POST FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
HECK, LET'S MAKE IT TEN!
[loud chewing]
- HOLD ON, HERE COMES THE WAGON AGAIN.
- AH! WAIT FOR ME!
all: NO!