♪
[Billie] Okay, let's go over it one more time.
Your parents arrive stage left
and are instantly charmed by my sparkling small talk
and unpasteurized cheese plate.
We then whisk them away on your 'tour'
where I serve amazed wonderment
as your forestry know-how puts Daisy Crockett to shame.
Forrest plays the role
of your adorable Park Ranger Supervisor,
your mom and dad believe the lie,
and your rep as golden child is safe.
Or... [sighs]
We could just tell them the truth.
Nuh-uh. If my parents find out
I've been lying all summer,
it's enforced tutoring gigs 'til I graduate.
I'm not ready to be a disappointment.
On the upside, nobody cares
if you waste your best skin years
banging baristas and bartenders.
- Hmm. - [door clicks open]
[gasps] Game time. Grab the cheese!
- Oh, my God. - Welcome!
Can I tempt you with a smoky camembert...
[New Order: "Blue Monday"]
[Billie] Riley, you're back.
- From 1982. - Hi.
[gasps] You have to go. My parents are coming.
And she told them that we made up so she could stay.
- [honking] - [gasps]
Okay, SparkNotes are: Justin re-proposed,
and you had an intimate ceremony on the rocks.
I sang "Say You'll Be There," very cheeky, we laughed,
Justin cried, you made a chocolate tart,
and Justin's vows took, like, 20 minutes.
But Riley, please, just do this for me.
- I need cheese. - No, not the soft one.
- Gives you the toots. - Yeah.
[Mimsy] Oh, but that final dress?
- [Opal] Yes. - [Mimsy] Spectacular.
- [Opal] Amazing. - [Mimsy] Ah.
We're so in agreement.
[Opal] Well, the Balenciaga Crocs
were both ironic, yet unapologetically sincere.
- I was gutted. - Mmm.
If I want to be ironic,
I only need to see your mother's hairdresser.
[both laugh]
Nice that a part of Mimsy will live on when she's gone.
[soft inhale and exhale]
- You okay, babe? - [sharp inhale]
You haven't said zip about your mom's test results.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just gonna go get a jump on lunch.
Hey, can we do breakfast for lunch again?
- [Maisy] You're a grown man. - I love you.
[door clicks closed]
[birds squawking]
[sighs]
[Ramones: "I Wanna Be Sedated"]
♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪
♪ I wanna be sedated ♪♪
[Naomi] Hmm.
Now, Daddy wanted to come,
but a patient of his got caught trying on
a new fursona at work.
Animal fixation is a lonely road,
isn't it, Riley?
Uh, I don't work with animals anymore.
I just showcased a series - called Hit and Runaways.
To Paris. Uh, he... he was...
He was in-- He was in Paris. He just got back from Paris.
- Riley was in Paris? - [Riley] Uh-huh, yeah.
- [Justin] Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm, yeah, mm-hmm.
Uh, uh, for-- for the wedding, uh, honeymoon.
Yeah, because the art world's having a honeymoon
with its newest star over here.
[heavy chuckle]
[Justin] Hmm, yeah.
It's not far. It's just half day's drive.
- You drove to Paris? - Ontario.
It's, uh, the cobblestone capital of Canada.
- It's... gorgeous. - [Naomi] Hmm.
We're saving Paris, Paris, the... the Europe Paris,
for our honeymoon, right, honey?
Right?
Yeah.
- [chuckling] - Mmm!
Sounds like you two have got a lot of catching up to do.
Why don't Billie and I give you some space?
Oh, but I booked Justin on the tour with us.
It is important for couples to take time
for each other after they've been apart.
And it is also important for mothers and daughters
to take time for each other after they've been apart
all summer, and miss each other terribly.
- Yeah. Yeah. You go. - Mmm.
- Oh, the fun you'll have. - Well, okay then.
Now...
I wanna hear all about the vows at dinner.
[scoffs] Hear about 'em?
- Oh, God. - Well, you're gonna.
[upbeat pop music playing]
[sighs and inhales]
Okay, one foot at a time, yeah?
- [Naomi exhales] - Okay, all right.
Not bad, Mom.
So, how you doing?
The nausea will pass
now that we are out of that hell taco.
Yeah, that's why I wanted Justin to come.
He has a steady paddle.
You can stop pretending, Billie.
I know you're covering for Justin.
He and Riley didn't work things out, did they?
How'd you know?
That earring was a classic coping mechanism.
The angle of the dangle was a dead giveaway.
Look, I know you love Justin, but giving up a dream job
to help him is not the way to show it.
I'm really sorry, Mom.
Okay, we need to be honest with each other.
You know you can tell me anything, right?
Ladies!
Hope you're not looking for the woods,
because all you're getting is a Forrest.
Hey, uh, Mom, this is my supervisor,
Forrest Buisson.
Park ranger, kombucha microbrewer,
and Billie's number one fan.
It is so lovely to meet you, Mrs. Barnes.
Uh... Mrs. Jackson.
Thanks for rolling with Billie's one act.
That was really cool.
Listen, Riley, I... [sighs]
I realized something while you were away,
and I was kind of hoping we could talk about it,
'cause I've been rolling around and...
That's all you're taking?
I got clothes at the Gas & Go.
Oh, like, regular ones,
or more from the Backstreet Boys home collection?
[sighs] I'm a different person now,
and if you can't accept that...
Billie? Anyone home?
- [Riley] Hey. - [gasps] Love le look, Riley.
Very Paris, Ontario.
- [Jayne] Justin. - Jayne.
I need, like, a teeny little favour from you,
and my favourite teen girl boss.
Ooh, she's on a tour with Naomi.
[sighs] Then it's over.
I found the perfect spot for a new boathouse,
but the owners will only sell to legacy lakers.
Maisy's MIA, Whoreen and Saggy said no,
Billie and you posing as a couple was my Hail Mary.
First: gross. Second: thank you.
The seller's specified no greedy real estate agents,
no soulless house flippers,
no influencer-fashionista-Paris types like Riley.
The lake trusted me
to find a new home for the boathouse.
What am I gonna do?
[Justin] Come on, Jayne.
You're gonna... you're gonna think of something,
you got that... that presidential...
...sparkle.
- I do? - Yeah.
Yeah. Twinkle, twinkle, who's a star?
[sighs] Maybe I could manifest something.
- I did read The Secret. - Shh, shh, shh.
[sighs] I knew I could count on my sassy gay besties.
Okay, back on the pony. [grunts]
Thanks, girlfriends.
- Work, queen. - Work, diva!
- [door clicks closed] - I feel dirty.
It just flew out of my mouth.
You know, I'm a legacy laker.
It would be great to have a new boathouse.
- Maybe we could... - Set aside our shit?
- For the boathouse. - Just for the boathouse.
Yes.
[whispering] For the boathouse.
Yeah, just like that, Mom.
Hey, Forrest, hey, Forrest, hi, Forrest.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah. - Okay, Mom,
I'm gonna be right back. I gotta chat itinerary.
Do not put my purse on the ground.
Right. [laughs]
Where's the gear I asked you to bring?
It shipped out already.
Our contract's done this week,
and head office wants base camp packed up ASAP.
Company lease is almost up.
Um...
okay, okay, just fix your collar,
and follow my lead, okay?
- Okay, boss. - No, no, you're my boss.
All right.
Okay, and button those up, yeah?
[sighs] Here we go.
Okay, the lake has an amazing system of wetlands
with swamps, marshes, bogs, and fens.
Now, you might think that...
So... sorry, baby. Did you say bog?
Bog, like, quicksand bog? Sinkhole bog?
No, not in the marsh. Not where we're going.
But there's a cool beaver habitat.
Sorry, baby, you're doing great,
but I am gonna need waders, a wetsuit, and a rabies shot
if I am plunging into a bucktooth rat's nest.
Oh, um, all the boots were signed out.
You know, big, big duck migration.
It draws a crowd.
We could duct tape plastic bags over our boots.
That's how we stop trench foot
when we're planting in serious shnarb.
- Shnarb? - How about we, uh...
we, uh, ditch the marsh for today, boss?
Uh, let's do something more beginner-friendly.
- Yes, for sure. - Like, um...
We could forage.
For what?
Roots, nuts, mushrooms.
Can't mushrooms be poisonous?
For six hours, if we're lucky.
♪
[Justin] God, it's a beautiful, beautiful spot, Phoebe.
Oh, actually it's pronounced Fo-ee-bee.
Oh, I'm so sorry. That must happen a lot.
You're the first.
Yeah, I wish I could keep Gam-Gam's cottage,
but we live out west now.
So, how long have you two been together?
Oh, it feels like forever.
It's just 'cause his hair is frozen in time.
Well, have a walk of the property,
and I'll be inside when you're ready.
- Okay. - Okay.
Hey, if we're gonna pull this off, lose the hair jokes.
I know, I'm sorry. It's just that I have this thing
that I really want to tell you and every time I go to do it,
all that comes out is, "Why the mustache?"
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
- Hey, um... uh... - Hi.
We're trying to save the boathouse.
What the hell are you guys doing here?
- Manifesting my sparkle. - Yeah.
Wait, are you trying to steal my thunder?
[sniffing] Smells like thunder theft to me.
No, that's just Riley.
I told him to lay off the brie.
We thought your sparkle could use some backup.
And decided to fake being a happy couple to get the place?
You stole my manifestation.
Jayne, Jayne, Jayne.
- We can all manifest together. - Yeah.
We each pretend to be a happy couple...
- Who's pretending? - And then we double our chances
of getting the place.
I'm supposed to trust the Homo Torch
and George Michael to seal the deal?
Wow, sounds like Ruffles is a little afraid of competition.
Please, we are a way better fake couple than you.
I've been faking it for years.
Care to put some money on that?
- Faking what, babe? - Even better.
Whoever gets the owner to sell,
gets naming rights to the new boathouse.
Brace yourself, Blondie.
It's on, Donkey Dongs. Ha-ha!
It's a compliment, Wayne. It's a compliment.
Are you kidding?
- Of course. - Kombuch, we're in luck.
Okay, so you can boil these, make tea with these,
and they go great with steak.
Oh, we're foraging for steak, too, now?
Okay, um, yeah, plan B.
I can eat the chocolate to make it look more real.
Hmm.
[Forrest] Here.
[Billie] Brazil nuts and goji berries?
We look like liars, Forrest.
Aren't we kinda?
Well...
Just go, I'll...
I'll tell her you got called away
on a poison oak emergency or something.
- Okay, sweet. - Yeah.
We're still pre-gaming for Bush Prom?
- Sure. - Yeah, okay.
- No! - Shit, I'm sorry.
Forgot I was your boss.
[Naomi clears throat]
Oh, uh, look what we foraged.
Hmm... I see Craisins are still in season.
[eerie instrumental playing]
[Phoebe] Ugh, I am just so glad you're all legacy cottagers.
- Yeah. - And Gammy would be, too.
When she died in this very room,
she made me promise we'd only sell to people
as in love with the lake as each other.
So, before we get to money,
and we will, Gam-Gam wants a Tesla...
we'd love to hear your story.
Who you are, how you met.
I'm sorry, you keep saying "we."
Me and Gam-Gam.
- She's always listening. - [Wayne gulps]
Oh.
O-M-Jeepers creepers.
Um, but Wayne and I were just saying
- how much we love ghosts. - Yeah.
Aw.
Not in a sexy way though. Don't worry.
- No. - No, no.
Well, 'cause, you know, some people
are probably into that, so...
[Jayne] Mmm-hmm.
Oh, well, Gam-Gam was an old perv,
so how about the ghost fucker goes first?
Yeah, I...
uh... [sighs] su... sure.
Um...
Hi, Gam-Gam, I'm Justin, and this is my...
this is Riley.
Uh, but that mustache is all for you.
I'm sorry. I know, I can't help it. Um...
So, we met last summer, which I know doesn't seem
like a very long time, but, you know,
in gay years, that's like a straight five.
Maybe even like a seven.
Um, and Riley is...
...pretty great.
Which totally freaked me out.
'Cause the men in my life, you know,
they haven't always been there for me.
And whenever I would get close to a guy,
I just developed this really obnoxious habit
of running the other way...
which meant that I was the only one that could let me down.
And I don't know.
You know, I don't know
if we're gonna be together forever.
And Riley is about to take the art world by storm.
His work's been described as if Cindy Sherman
and Amy Sedaris had an Etsy page,
which is actually very correct.
[soft laugh]
You read my reviews?
I read every single one.
- There was only one. - Yeah.
I remember meeting Jayne like it was yesterday, Gam-Gam.
- Wayne. - Er, sh, I got it.
CSIS had just promoted me to head assassin, right?
[Phoebe] Oh!
Back then, I had ice in my veins,
and, uh... and early onset diabeetus,
which they overlooked, because my kill shot
made Liam Neeson look like a pussycat.
Oh...
But my... my job took me to some dark and dangerous places.
So, for the safety of my family and friends, I had to...
I had to disappear forever.
[sighs]
So, at a roadside bar on this very lake...
[sighs] that's where I had my "Going Underground" party.
[guitar instrumental playing]
That's where I saw this majestic goddess
for the first time.
She was riding the crap out of a mechanical bull.
[purring]
The ice in my veins melted. [snaps] Instantly.
I couldn't be an assassin again.
I mean, I was blinded by love, or...
maybe, it was the diabeetus.
[sighs]
One thing's for sure, I knew my calling in life.
My job was to make Jaynie happy.
[sighs]
- [phone ringing loudly] - [all gasp]
Well! That will be Gam-Gam with her decision.
We keep a rotary dial just for her.
Excuse me.
[imitates gunshots blasting]
Right between the eyes.
Diabetes.
It's diabetes.
Seemed like you and that supervisor
had a close working relationship.
Yeah, it was actually, two rangers
I could have gone with.
Think I chose the wrong one.
- Mmm, what makes you say that? - Oh, it's...
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're mirroring.
You promised you'd stop therapizing me.
What... what am I supposed to do?
How else will you see that it's a bad idea
- to date your supervisor? - You were Dad's thesis advisor.
- For one year! - Is that... is that Naomi?
Oh, Maisy. What brings you here?
Oh, I was just going for a little dip.
Oh, do you always go swimming fully dressed?
I needed a break from my mother.
Oh, Billie told me about her diagnosis.
- I was sorry to hear it. - Oh, don't be.
I've been praying for it for many, many years.
Why are you dressed like a zookeeper?
Oh, I'm doing tours for Parks Canada,
and we are actually, in the middle of one now,
so we should pick this up later.
And you're buying this?
I'm sure my daughter,
whose mother worked very hard with her
to get an important internship,
wouldn't keep anything from me.
Yeah, no. Great. We're on the same page.
So, let's go.
Oh, so you don't know
that Billie ditched her internship
for baby's first Burning Man, and then she got fired.
Billie, what is she talking about?
Tree planting. She lasted two days.
A week and two days.
I thought we were past keeping secrets, Billie.
You would have never let me tree plant, Mom.
Because it would have been a mistake.
Yeah, but my mistake.
"Oh, wah, wah, wah,
my parents are invested in my future."
Don't you come for me, Nell.
If you want to make your own mistakes,
start by owning them.
Oh, like you do.
Going for a dip fully clothed like a crazy person?
Enough!
- Sit. - What... me?
Yeah, you, her, sit in the ship.
- It's a canoe. - I don't care what it is.
- Get in the boat. - Okay.
Wayne did it!
He saved the boathouse.
We'll call it Wayne Manor.
Uh, I saved the boathouse. We're calling it The Lovehouse.
- That sounds like a brothel. - The Joyhouse?
So much worse.
Um, I just got an anonymous call
saying that you all know each other,
and you wanna tear down Gam-Gam's cottage
to build some kind of group home?
- What? - [Wayne] No.
- That's crazy. - No!
[talking over each other]
Gam-Gam hates liars.
- [all gasp] - [eerie instrumental playing]
- [Phoebe] You'd better go. - Go.
[Phoebe] Get out. Get out!
- I can't get my jacket on! - Leave!
[Justin] I can't get my jacket on!
- [screaming] Leave! - [indistinct screaming]
Let's start with why we're here.
Please remember to use "I" statements.
Maisy, won't you go first?
I am here because my mom told the truth
for the third time in her life, and I'm supposed to feel bad,
because she's actually, really dying?
When has anyone ever been able to make you feel bad?
- About anything? - "I" statements, please.
Fine. [sighs]
I think that Maisy is a textbook narcissist
who is using her issues with her mom
to justify doing whatever the eff she wants.
Okay, well, I think that Billie is a sucky little baby
who blames her mom for smothering her,
instead of admitting she stayed for tree planter tail.
Maybe we put a pin in the "I" statements.
I'm sorry, I'm a sucky baby?
Your mom is dying, and she just wants to make it right with you.
By stealing my children like a witch.
Maybe, they just like being with someone
who isn't worried about who they should be,
but is cool with who they are.
From the girl whose mom is so cool
she trusts her with Justin,
a man with the self-awareness of a Polly Pocket.
Maisy, you can't get past the stuff with your mom,
because if you did, you'd lose your trauma card,
and your free pass to be the biggest bitch on the lake, okay?
Sorry, Mom.
Maybe not the words I would have chosen.
We'll talk about properly framing a diagnosis at home...
But my baby's not wrong.
[sighs] My insurance only covers an hour,
so I better be getting home.
My mother's blood sugar isn't gonna spike itself.
I can show myself out.
That's what we call a breakthrough.
[light pop music plays]
Who would want to blow a shot
at finding a new home for the boathouse?
Probably, the same person who stole Jaynie's spare,
nailed her tires, because they hate Tegan and Sara?
Or because they hate the boathouse,
but who could hate the boathouse?
You know, ruining the talent show,
and tipping "Fo-ee-bee" off, that could be a pattern.
If someone is trying to stop us
from bringing the boathouse back,
then maybe they could've burnt it down, too.
Holy balls.
Justin said someone used his fireworks to start the fire.
Which means they were a guest at our wedding.
Which also means?
There's an arsonator among us.
- And? - And Justin was right.
Oh, God, there it is!
- Yeah. - I think we parked up here.
- Okay. - God!
It's just been, like, a really...
really long summer.
[whispering] This feels so good.
And where have we been today?
Oh, were you worried I was missing?
Hardly, I'd be worried for the sad miscreant
- who tried to grab you. - [sighs]
Oh, Opal, I'm sorry.
I just get jealous of you and Nana.
You'll understand someday when you have kids.
Or corgis.
They're gonna love me so much more than you.
[calm instrumental playing]
So, did I fool you even a little bit?
Until you tried to make me believe
that unqualified hunk was your boss.
Yeah, he did not read the handout.
Gotta get better at lying.
That is not the takeaway I was hoping for.
What you need to get better at
is giving me the benefit of the doubt.
You know, it is healthy to want different things
from your parents, but it is not okay
to assume that we won't respect your choices.
[sighs] That said...
I think you made the right one.
Okay, now you're lying because my tour was trash.
Okay, your tour may have been fake,
but making me feel safe was real.
I even peed in the woods.
Making people like me feel at home in nature
is a real gift.
[Billie] Thanks, Mom.
Come here, baby.
We'll figure out the rest when you get home.
You have the rest of your life to pad your CV.
Goodbye, Justin.
And next time, my daughter asks you to lie for her...
I seek approval within myself,
and I draw clear boundaries.
- Mmm-hmm, excellent mirroring. - Thank you.
- Bye, baby. - Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Naomi. - [Naomi] Mrs. Jackson.
- Mrs. Jackson. - Every time.
[Justin grunts]
Does she hate me?
No, she likes that she's the parenting-do,
and you're the parenting-don't.
That's great.
Oh, Mom must have forgotten something.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Well, I've got a thing in my room, so...
- Yeah. - ...I'm just gonna...
- and you two can, uh... - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. - [Justin] Okay.
I just came to grab...
Oh, yeah, the...
from earlier.
So...
there was this thing in my review about...
[sighs] the artist seeming uninterested in the victim.
"Choosing instead to draw the eye to the escaping vehicle."
Yeah, I read it.
I think I did that when I proposed.
You know, I threw myself in front of you,
stopped you speeding away.
I was scared I couldn't keep up.
Riley...
it really was your fault.
And the only accident that I would speed away from...
is that haircut and that mustache.
- [Riley] Wow. - And that earring.
I love the earring.
You look like budget Harry Styles.
If Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina candle was an earring,
that... would be the earring.
[Billie] Are we shit talking Riley's earring?
- Yes. - No.
I kinda like it. You look like Fonzie from "Happy Gays."
- [laughs] Burn. - Okay.
- I'm leaving now. - Okay.
You look like a grandfather clock
from a gay antique store.
Antique stores are gay.
- Can't help myself. - [Billie chuckles]
Well, that was some flirty bullying.
Yeah, we learn it in grade school.
The gays need a new love language, though.
Hey, quick Q for you, Missy Lou.
How would you feel about playing the Mulder to my Scully?
If you just want to wear shoulder pads again, Justin,
- then wear them. - No. Well, yeah, but no.
I know who the boathouse arsonist is,
but I need your help to get the truth out there.
I can't believe Lovejoy called it
with the boathouse arsoner.
I know.
Oh, Clementine Farnsworth is gonna be so pissed.
I wrecked her on LinkedIn
'cause I thought she nailed my tires.
[giggling]
Maybe, Special Agent Wayne
could come out of retirement for one last hit?
I'm not gonna kill Clementine, Jayne.
Oh, you mean sex?
All right.
Good. Mama needs to nut.
Actually...
I'm gonna pass, Jayne.
[chuckling] Yeah, okay.
I'm not a special agent.
I'm still the same guy you met
puking behind the boathouse after a bunch of Jägerbombs.
And I am...
I'm really sorry that I clipped your wings
by just hanging around all summer.
I didn't mean to keep you grounded.
I know you need to fly free.
If you are playing hard-to-get
it is working.
[Judy Collins: "Both Sides Now"]
Good night, Jaynie.
You're cleared for takeoff.
♪ Bows and flows of angel hair ♪
♪ And ice cream castles in the air ♪
♪ And feather canyons everywhere ♪
♪ I've looked at clouds that way ♪
♪ But now they only block the sun ♪
What the fuck?
♪ They rain and they snow on everyone ♪
♪ So many things I would have done ♪
♪ But clouds got in my way ♪
♪ I've looked at clouds from both sides now ♪
♪ From up and down and still somehow ♪
♪ It's cloud's illusions I recall ♪
♪ I really don't know ♪
♪ Clouds at all ♪
[held note]
♪ Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels ♪
♪ The dizzy dancing way you feel ♪
♪ When every fairy tale comes real ♪
♪ I've looked at love that way ♪
♪ But now it's just another show... ♪♪