1
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:04,482
Morning.

2
00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:05,396
Morning.

3
00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:07,963
Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.

4
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:10,662
That's the only man
I put in my mouth.

5
00:00:10,749 --> 00:00:12,925
It puts my relationship
with Orville Redenbacher

6
00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:15,536
in a whole different light.

7
00:00:17,625 --> 00:00:19,932
I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy.

8
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:22,761
We're making food jokes here.

9
00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:24,763
The U.P.S. guy's not food.

10
00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:25,981
He is if you cover him
with whipped cream.

11
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:30,247
What can I say?

12
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:33,598
There's just something
about a man in brown shorts.

13
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:34,947
Okay, I'm in big trouble.

14
00:00:35,034 --> 00:00:37,819
Speaking of a man
with brown shorts.

15
00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:39,082
What's wrong?

16
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:40,300
Well, I just got a call

17
00:00:40,387 --> 00:00:41,345
from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.

18
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:42,955
And he wants to see me.

19
00:00:43,042 --> 00:00:44,609
Well, he wants
to see Jeff Strongman.

20
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,350
Who's Jeff Strongman?

21
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:48,003
Oh, Jeff Strongman

22
00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:50,223
is Alan's alter ego he uses

23
00:00:50,310 --> 00:00:53,879
to meet Larry and fight crime.

24
00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:57,709
Wait, so, you use a fake name
to sneak around with other men?

25
00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:02,366
Where do you guys meet?
A Lady Gaga concert?

26
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:05,064
It was a spin class
if you must know.

27
00:01:05,151 --> 00:01:07,545
Now, what am I gonna do?

28
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:09,677
I told you something
like this was gonna happen.

29
00:01:09,764 --> 00:01:12,027
[mocking]:
"I told you something like this
was gonna happen."

30
00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:14,900
Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't
tell me why he wanted to see me

31
00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,249
and he sounded pretty upset.

32
00:01:16,336 --> 00:01:17,816
Well, what kind of world
are we living in

33
00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:18,991
where a guy is upset
with another guy

34
00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:21,211
for banging his girlfriend?

35
00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:24,779
See, that's why
I love being gay.

36
00:01:24,866 --> 00:01:26,999
A guy finds out
I'm doing his girlfriend,

37
00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:28,696
I don't get an angry phone call.

38
00:01:28,783 --> 00:01:32,047
I get a dozen roses
and a copy of the video.

39
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:36,443
Too bad I can't convince
Larry I'm gay.

40
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,053
Come on, Zippy, you're making it
too easy for us.

41
00:01:44,973 --> 00:01:47,802
Oh, hey!

42
00:01:47,889 --> 00:01:49,021
There he is.

43
00:01:49,108 --> 00:01:50,022
My main man with a winter tan.

44
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:52,981
Jeff.

45
00:01:53,068 --> 00:01:54,592
Uh, I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else?

46
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,724
Uh, one-one of these muffins?
They're bran.

47
00:01:56,811 --> 00:01:57,464
Keeps your trains
running on time.

48
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,684
Poop-poop!

49
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,381
I'm not hungry.

50
00:02:01,468 --> 00:02:03,470
All right then, I'll just
sit across from you.

51
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,255
Right here...

52
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,561
in front
of all these witnesses.

53
00:02:07,648 --> 00:02:09,215
You know my girlfriend Lyndsey?

54
00:02:09,302 --> 00:02:10,216
Is it Lyndsey?

55
00:02:10,303 --> 00:02:11,826
I thought it was Linda.

56
00:02:11,913 --> 00:02:13,524
Glad you cleared that up
before I saw her again...

57
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,787
which I haven't,
and why would I?

58
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:16,962
She's been cheating on me.

59
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:19,051
[hacking]

60
00:02:19,138 --> 00:02:21,662
Mmm, sorry.

61
00:02:21,749 --> 00:02:23,751
Just a little...
[clears throat]

62
00:02:23,838 --> 00:02:25,884
Why do you think
she's cheating on you?

63
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,451
I hired a private investigator
to follow her.

64
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,017
[hacking]

65
00:02:29,104 --> 00:02:32,978
Uh, do you mind?

66
00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:34,806
She's been meeting him
at a house in Malibu.

67
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:39,680
Sorry, sorry,
I'm just a little shocked.

68
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:41,160
Imagine how I feel.

69
00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:43,249
Well, I-I can't,
uh, uh, but I do know

70
00:02:43,336 --> 00:02:46,034
that in situations like this,
it's the woman who's to blame.

71
00:02:46,121 --> 00:02:48,863
She's not the only one.

72
00:02:48,950 --> 00:02:50,169
Please, I have a son!

73
00:02:50,256 --> 00:02:52,998
This is the guy.

74
00:02:54,391 --> 00:02:56,219
Wait, this is the guy?

75
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:58,221
Yeah.

76
00:02:58,308 --> 00:02:59,222
This is guy you think
banging your girlfriend?

77
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,266
I know he is.

78
00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:02,442
And only him?

79
00:03:02,529 --> 00:03:03,443
Nobody else?

80
00:03:03,530 --> 00:03:04,879
Isn't this bad enough?

81
00:03:04,966 --> 00:03:07,273
Well, sure.

82
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:11,016
But, you know, there could
also be another explanation.

83
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,583
I mean, maybe she's just lost

84
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:14,411
and she's asking
this guy for directions.

85
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:17,327
Right, "Excuse me, sir,
can you help me find my G-spot?"

86
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:20,155
It's not just this photo.

87
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,156
It's the late night errands.

88
00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,289
Hiding her phone.

89
00:03:23,376 --> 00:03:24,986
Plus, we haven't had sex
in forever!

90
00:03:25,073 --> 00:03:26,640
Wow, that's rough.

91
00:03:26,727 --> 00:03:29,252
I guess this guy, whoever he is,

92
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:32,864
satisfies her every need.

93
00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:34,082
I want to kill him.

94
00:03:34,169 --> 00:03:35,083
I hate being
lied to like this.

95
00:03:35,170 --> 00:03:37,303
I get it, you know.

96
00:03:37,390 --> 00:03:40,175
Sometimes you think you know
a person, but you don't.

97
00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:41,264
Panini for Strongman.

98
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:46,356
Jeff, that's you.

99
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:47,444
What?

100
00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,271
Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.

101
00:03:50,838 --> 00:03:52,492
Jeff Strongman.

102
00:03:52,579 --> 00:03:55,147
Someone who's not banging
anyone's girlfriend.

103
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:58,150
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

104
00:03:58,237 --> 00:04:00,935
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

105
00:04:15,385 --> 00:04:18,692
Oh, no, there's a stranger
in my house.

106
00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:21,869
And it's possibly
a gay porn star from the '70s.

107
00:04:21,956 --> 00:04:24,307
It's me, Alan.

108
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:25,743
I-I believe you're
supposed to say,

109
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:28,093
[Italian accent]:
"It's-a me, a-Mario!"

110
00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:33,272
So, I take it things
didn't go great with Larry?

111
00:04:33,359 --> 00:04:35,230
Well, he does know
that Lyndsey's cheating on him,

112
00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:38,146
but the good news is he doesn't
know that it's with me.

113
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:39,887
So, why do you look

114
00:04:39,974 --> 00:04:42,237
like one of the Village People
in street clothes?

115
00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:44,327
Ah, well, uh, he hired
a, uh, a private detective,

116
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:47,330
uh, to watch
the house because, uh,

117
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:48,287
and here's where it gets
really funny,

118
00:04:48,374 --> 00:04:50,637
um, uh,

119
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:54,032
he thinks that Lyndsey is
cheating on him with...

120
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,207
No.

121
00:04:56,469 --> 00:04:58,950
No, no, no.

122
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,168
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

123
00:05:00,255 --> 00:05:02,257
It's crazy, right?

124
00:05:04,259 --> 00:05:06,131
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?

125
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:09,134
Fear, cowardice.

126
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:10,744
Lack of a dental plan.

127
00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:13,965
Uh, besides, he-he
just lost Lyndsey,

128
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,575
I didn't want him to
lose his best friend.

129
00:05:15,662 --> 00:05:16,837
Okay, well, you're gonna lose
your best friend

130
00:05:16,924 --> 00:05:17,838
if you don't fix this!

131
00:05:17,925 --> 00:05:19,187
Oh, I'm your best friend?

132
00:05:19,274 --> 00:05:21,451
Alan, I am serious.

133
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,801
I do not want a private
detective watching this house.

134
00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:25,759
And I...
and I definitely don't want

135
00:05:25,846 --> 00:05:27,848
an angry boyfriend after me.

136
00:05:27,935 --> 00:05:29,023
Well, you should've
thought of that

137
00:05:29,110 --> 00:05:31,286
before you slept with Lyndsey.

138
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,637
I've got some work to do.

139
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,378
And I'm gonna go out
and run some errands.

140
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,815
And when I get back,
this better be cleaned up.

141
00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:39,164
Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.

142
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,079
Oh, oh, but just in case.

143
00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,693
Oh, God!

144
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,217
Is there any look
you can't pull off?

145
00:05:49,304 --> 00:05:51,655
[Italian accent]:
I'm-a gonna kill you.

146
00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:56,616
Hey!

147
00:05:56,703 --> 00:05:57,182
Hi-ya!

148
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,314
Oh!

149
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,056
What the hell?

150
00:06:02,143 --> 00:06:04,319
Alan, what are you doing?

151
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,932
At the moment,
looking for my left ball.

152
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,673
Larry just dropped me off.

153
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,239
He could've seen you.

154
00:06:11,326 --> 00:06:12,415
That's why I'm here.
Larry thinks you're

155
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,199
having an affair with Walden.

156
00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:15,940
What? Why would he think that?

157
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:17,507
Well, because he he hired a P.I.

158
00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,204
who got a picture of the two
of you together.

159
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,293
And by the way, it looked
like it was a cold day.

160
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,861
You're an idiot.

161
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,079
I know.

162
00:06:25,166 --> 00:06:26,690
So, what-what are we gonna do?

163
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:29,388
Okay, look, I've done this
plenty of times before.

164
00:06:29,475 --> 00:06:31,999
The first thing you do
is deny everything.

165
00:06:32,086 --> 00:06:33,479
Right, denial. Wait.

166
00:06:33,566 --> 00:06:33,610
You've done this
plenty of times before?

167
00:06:35,263 --> 00:06:36,134
Did you ever cheat on me?

168
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,136
Never.

169
00:06:38,223 --> 00:06:39,746
Okay, good.

170
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:40,921
[phone chirps]
Oh!

171
00:06:41,008 --> 00:06:42,662
Oh, it's Larry.

172
00:06:42,749 --> 00:06:43,620
What does he want?

173
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:45,230
Uh, well, let's see.

174
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,318
Uh, "Just dropped off
the cheating whor...

175
00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:47,624
Lyndsey."

176
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:49,930
"Want to grab a drink?"

177
00:06:50,017 --> 00:06:51,279
Okay, you go play

178
00:06:51,366 --> 00:06:52,542
the sympathetic friend,
calm him down.

179
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:53,934
I'll figure something out.

180
00:06:54,021 --> 00:06:54,848
Sounds good, uh...

181
00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:56,850
"No problem, bro."

182
00:06:56,937 --> 00:06:58,069
Uh...

183
00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:00,550
Cocktail glass emoji.

184
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:03,117
Stall him as long as you can.

185
00:07:03,204 --> 00:07:04,031
Right.

186
00:07:04,118 --> 00:07:05,468
I'm sorry I kicked you

187
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:06,817
in the balls--
is there anything I can do?

188
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:09,297
You could kiss it
and make it better.

189
00:07:09,384 --> 00:07:10,560
Good-bye, Alan.

190
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,300
Oh, come on!

191
00:07:12,387 --> 00:07:14,346
It's not like I
could do it myself.

192
00:07:16,304 --> 00:07:20,091
God knows I've tried.

193
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,963
[tires screeching]

194
00:07:23,050 --> 00:07:25,183
Get in the car!Rose?

195
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:26,184
What are you doing?

196
00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:27,577
Someone's following you.

197
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,709
Yeah, you!

198
00:07:29,796 --> 00:07:32,756
There's no time for this,
you're in danger.

199
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,845
Yeah, from you!

200
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:35,976
Just get in.

201
00:07:36,063 --> 00:07:37,412
Why would I get in your car?

202
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:38,413
I mean, the last time

203
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:39,589
I tried to trust you...

204
00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,765
What? What are you looking at?

205
00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:44,376
You got a little spot
on your shirt.

206
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:45,943
Oh.

207
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:46,987
[screams]

208
00:07:47,074 --> 00:07:48,293
Drive! Drive! Drive!

209
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:52,297
Drive! Drive!

210
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,081
I found out more
about this guy.

211
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:55,387
His name is
Walden Schmidt.

212
00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:57,345
More like lying sack of Schmidt.

213
00:07:57,432 --> 00:08:00,697
[chuckles]
Am I right?

214
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:03,874
Turns out he's some kind
of stupid Internet billionaire.

215
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:05,092
Don't you hate
when guys don't work

216
00:08:05,179 --> 00:08:06,267
for a living like you and me?

217
00:08:06,354 --> 00:08:08,922
Amen, Jeff Strongman.

218
00:08:09,009 --> 00:08:10,489
Hey, come on, you know,

219
00:08:10,576 --> 00:08:11,534
this isn't the worst thing
in the world.

220
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,100
You're gonna bounce back.

221
00:08:13,187 --> 00:08:14,972
I guess, I mean,
I should've seen it coming.

222
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,451
I mean, she cheated
on her last boyfriend with me.

223
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:20,107
Her-her last boyfriend?

224
00:08:20,194 --> 00:08:22,153
Yeah, I guess the guy
was a real loser.

225
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,416
A pathetic freeloader.

226
00:08:24,503 --> 00:08:27,332
Well, that's just conjecture.

227
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:29,682
I mean, you know, maybe
he's a-a really great guy

228
00:08:29,769 --> 00:08:33,033
and she's just
a crazy lying bitch.

229
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,426
I'm not gonna take it lying down

230
00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:35,906
like the pansy
she was dating before me.

231
00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:38,561
Is "pansy" your word or hers?

232
00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:40,258
Hers.

233
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:41,259
I'm going to the head.

234
00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:42,652
You get the check

235
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:44,088
and we'll go pay
this bastard a visit.

236
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:45,437
Take your time.

237
00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:46,569
No rush.

238
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:52,792
Oh, come on, Lyndsey,
pick up, pick up, pick up!

239
00:08:52,879 --> 00:08:55,882
[groans]
Of course, voice mail.

240
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,145
Lyndsey, things have gone
from bad to worse.

241
00:08:58,232 --> 00:08:59,407
Larry is gonna confront Walden,
and I don't know what to do.

242
00:08:59,494 --> 00:09:01,409
Call me back.

243
00:09:01,496 --> 00:09:02,846
Oh, and PS-- you and I have

244
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:05,065
a little issue
to discuss ourselves.

245
00:09:05,152 --> 00:09:07,807
Oh, and PPS--
the "P" stands for "pansy."

246
00:09:07,894 --> 00:09:09,635
Mm-hmm.

247
00:09:09,722 --> 00:09:10,593
Whew.

248
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,943
Looks like we lost him.

249
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:15,423
What the hell is going on?

250
00:09:15,510 --> 00:09:18,601
Well, I'm pretty sure
Larry hired a hit man.

251
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,298
How do you know about Larry?

252
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:21,778
Because he's stalking you.

253
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:22,779
How do you know that?

254
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,782
Because I'm stalking you.

255
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:26,739
Okay, okay, you know,
this is ridiculous.

256
00:09:26,826 --> 00:09:28,698
I'm calling the police.

257
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,656
And tell them what?

258
00:09:30,743 --> 00:09:32,832
We have no proof
of anything.

259
00:09:32,919 --> 00:09:33,877
And besides, how helpful
were the police

260
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:35,574
when you called them on me?

261
00:09:35,661 --> 00:09:38,272
Uh, I got them to issue
a restraining order.

262
00:09:38,359 --> 00:09:40,274
Hi.

263
00:09:41,928 --> 00:09:43,277
Okay, I...

264
00:09:43,364 --> 00:09:44,888
Uh-oh, he's back.

265
00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:48,108
I don't know how he
keeps finding us.

266
00:09:48,195 --> 00:09:49,719
I'll tell you how.

267
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,634
The GPS on my cell phone.

268
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:52,983
Give me that.

269
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:58,684
I was gonna turn it off,
but okay.

270
00:09:58,771 --> 00:09:59,859
Hang on.

271
00:09:59,946 --> 00:10:01,208
What? Why?

272
00:10:01,295 --> 00:10:04,211
Whoa, whoa, whoa![squealing]

273
00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:06,170
Whoa!

274
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:07,388
[sighs]

275
00:10:07,475 --> 00:10:08,694
That ought to do it.

276
00:10:08,781 --> 00:10:10,478
Okay, you know...
this is nonsense!

277
00:10:10,565 --> 00:10:12,785
[stammers]
Take me home.

278
00:10:12,872 --> 00:10:15,353
Okay, homeward bound.

279
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,397
And gagged.

280
00:10:16,484 --> 00:10:17,834
And tortured for days.

281
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:21,141
Okay, well, fine,
then take me to a hotel.

282
00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:22,490
Beverly Hills Hotel okay?

283
00:10:22,577 --> 00:10:23,491
It's perfect.

284
00:10:23,578 --> 00:10:25,319
And bang, you're dead.

285
00:10:25,406 --> 00:10:27,365
You need to get
off the grid.

286
00:10:27,452 --> 00:10:28,975
Someplace they
don't expect you.

287
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,151
A place they can't track
your credit cards.

288
00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:33,763
Nobody is tracking
my credit cards.

289
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:37,810
Oh, that wasn't you last night
getting a coffee colonic?

290
00:10:37,897 --> 00:10:40,726
I will not apologize
for a healthy colon.

291
00:10:45,731 --> 00:10:47,690
Okay, here we go.

292
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:50,344
This place looks perfect.

293
00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:52,477
This place is a dump.

294
00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:55,480
Exactly, and it's the last place
anyone would look for you.

295
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,047
Yeah, but it's the first place

296
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,353
that hepatitis
would look for me.

297
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,007
Okay, this is only temporary.

298
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,662
You lay low,
and I will straighten this out.

299
00:11:03,749 --> 00:11:05,838
Why in God's name
would I trust you?

300
00:11:05,925 --> 00:11:07,753
Look, Walden, I know
that I've caused you

301
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,537
some tiny problems
in the past, but...

302
00:11:09,624 --> 00:11:10,930
Wha...? Tiny?

303
00:11:11,017 --> 00:11:12,323
You pretended to be pregnant

304
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:13,672
to scare my girlfriend away.

305
00:11:13,759 --> 00:11:17,632
You sicced rabid ferrets on me!

306
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,810
You tied me to my bed
and tried to violate me

307
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:23,987
with a leaf blower!

308
00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:27,555
It's so sweet you
remember everything.

309
00:11:27,642 --> 00:11:29,862
But I can make up
for all of that now.

310
00:11:29,949 --> 00:11:33,518
Look, when your sink is clogged,
you call a plumber.

311
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,955
When your car breaks down,
you call a mechanic.

312
00:11:36,042 --> 00:11:38,001
When you have a dangerous
psychopath after you,

313
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:40,090
you call me.

314
00:11:40,177 --> 00:11:41,004
All right, fine.

315
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:43,093
I am gonna kill Alan.

316
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:46,009
Oh, if you survive tonight,
you should hire Larry's guy.

317
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,401
He's good.

318
00:11:47,488 --> 00:11:49,839
♪ Men.♪

319
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:56,106
♪ Men.♪

320
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,151
Here you go.

321
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,635
This is, uh, this is
the best room you got?

322
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,724
It's the presidential suite.

323
00:12:05,811 --> 00:12:08,335
The president of what?

324
00:12:08,422 --> 00:12:10,381
Crap-o-slovakia?

325
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,209
I could offer you
the honeymoon suite.

326
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,429
You know, if you don't mind
the smell of love.

327
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:18,955
No, no... this is, uh...

328
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,217
this is fine.

329
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,958
Uh...

330
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:24,395
Do you, uh, do you
have room service?

331
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,095
I might have something
you might want to eat.

332
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:33,186
I don't think you do.

333
00:12:36,102 --> 00:12:39,758
Listen, uh, if-if anyone
comes here asking about me,

334
00:12:39,845 --> 00:12:41,368
I-I'm not here.

335
00:12:41,455 --> 00:12:42,500
Don't worry.

336
00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:43,806
No one will ever find you.

337
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,990
Hey, uh, if you get
lonely later on,

338
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,079
I'm in the apartment
behind the building.

339
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,385
Yeah, okay.

340
00:12:58,472 --> 00:12:59,865
It's nothing fancy,
but I've got some good weed

341
00:12:59,952 --> 00:13:04,174
and... a spa tub.

342
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:07,568
I'll, uh, keep that in mind.

343
00:13:07,655 --> 00:13:09,396
There's a live feed
on channel 14

344
00:13:09,483 --> 00:13:10,789
if you want to check it out.

345
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,230
[door closes]

346
00:13:17,317 --> 00:13:20,146
Great, now I got
to hide from him, too.

347
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:26,805
This Walden guy is gonna regret
the day he stole my girlfriend.

348
00:13:26,892 --> 00:13:29,242
Oh, it's-it's not stealing.
It-It's more like borrowing.

349
00:13:29,329 --> 00:13:31,157
Like-like renting a car.

350
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,724
Yeah, but when you rent a car
you know there's been

351
00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:35,292
other guys inside it,
turning the knobs,

352
00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:36,641
playing with the seat,

353
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,208
shoving stuff in the trunk.

354
00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:40,558
Okay, okay, maybe that's
a bad analogy.

355
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,212
But that doesn't change
the fact that going over there

356
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,388
to confront him is not
gonna help anything.

357
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:45,171
You got a better idea?

358
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,607
Uh, I-I do.

359
00:13:46,694 --> 00:13:48,435
How about you forget
about Lyndsey

360
00:13:48,522 --> 00:13:49,828
and we go out to a bar
and pick up some women.

361
00:13:49,915 --> 00:13:51,874
You know, Larry and Jeff
out on the prowl.

362
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,572
[growls]

363
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:56,704
Jeff, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.

364
00:13:56,791 --> 00:13:58,141
But I'm afraid
if I don't do this,

365
00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,447
I won't be able
to live with myself.

366
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,146
And I'm afraid if you do this,

367
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:04,887
I'll have to live by myself.

368
00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:09,326
[indistinct chatter on TV]

369
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:14,244
Oh, no! Channel 14!

370
00:14:22,730 --> 00:14:24,645
Oh, God!

371
00:14:24,732 --> 00:14:25,908
[knocking]

372
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,954
Who is it?

373
00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:31,696
[deep voice]:
It's Larry, I'm here
to kill you, Walden.

374
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,916
Mr. Walden, he die.

375
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,483
I clean room.

376
00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:38,224
ROSE:
No, silly rabbit, it's just me.

377
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,922
Wha...? Rose?

378
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,446
Is that...?

379
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,230
Are you alone?

380
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,929
Yeah, but a nice man did just
invite me into his spa tub.

381
00:14:49,409 --> 00:14:52,238
Here, I brought some food.

382
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,500
Yeah, I can't eat.

383
00:14:53,587 --> 00:14:54,675
Why not?

384
00:14:54,762 --> 00:14:56,025
Well, because if I do,

385
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:57,809
eventually
I'll have to go in there.

386
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,726
And I'm not going in there.

387
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:03,380
Uh, so, did you find
anything out?

388
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:06,165
Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.

389
00:15:06,252 --> 00:15:08,211
God, Alan was supposed
to take care of this.

390
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:10,169
Well, yeah, he also told you
he was only gonna live

391
00:15:10,256 --> 00:15:12,955
at your house a few days, and
here we are at day 800 and...

392
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:15,740
43.

393
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:17,698
Oh, I almost forgot.

394
00:15:17,785 --> 00:15:19,439
I got us some candy bars.

395
00:15:19,526 --> 00:15:20,788
Mounds for you,
'cause it's your favorite.

396
00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:21,833
Aw.

397
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:22,834
Almond Joy for me

398
00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:26,055
'cause, you know... nuts.

399
00:15:28,274 --> 00:15:30,885
Hey, why are you being
so nice to me?

400
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:34,063
You know,
I'll admit that you hurt me.

401
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:38,632
And I did some things
that I'm not proud of.

402
00:15:38,719 --> 00:15:40,199
But just because
you took a restraining order

403
00:15:40,286 --> 00:15:42,158
out against me...

404
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:45,988
doesn't mean that I can
restrain my feelings for you.

405
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:48,033
That is the sweetest,

406
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,601
most terrifying thing

407
00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:52,429
I've ever heard.

408
00:15:54,474 --> 00:15:56,737
Are you really
scared of me?

409
00:15:56,824 --> 00:16:00,045
You're not even the scariest
person I've met in this room.

410
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:05,398
And the truth is,
I'm-I'm not blameless.

411
00:16:05,485 --> 00:16:06,965
I mean, I chose
another girl over you,

412
00:16:07,052 --> 00:16:10,012
and look who's here
with me now?

413
00:16:11,752 --> 00:16:14,320
I never really left you.

414
00:16:16,061 --> 00:16:18,020
Literally.

415
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,982
File this under things
I'm gonna regret.

416
00:16:28,595 --> 00:16:31,511
Damn it, should've
brought my leaf blower.

417
00:16:38,953 --> 00:16:40,607
Oh, uh,
the doorbell doesn't work.

418
00:16:40,694 --> 00:16:42,522
What?

419
00:16:42,609 --> 00:16:44,524
I mean, uh,
that-that does not work

420
00:16:44,611 --> 00:16:47,527
if you want to send a message
that there's a man here.

421
00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:49,964
♪ Ding-dong. ♪

422
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:51,444
"I'm gonna kick your tushie."

423
00:16:51,531 --> 00:16:52,924
You're right.
Yeah.

424
00:16:53,011 --> 00:16:55,405
Oh.

425
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,407
Okay, now, listen,
now-now, this could get crazy.

426
00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:59,278
I mean, there's gonna be
a lot of name calling--

427
00:16:59,365 --> 00:17:01,367
uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot,
uh, Alan.

428
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,890
Uh...

429
00:17:02,977 --> 00:17:05,763
Larry?
Lyndsey?

430
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:08,940
I know exactly what's going on
between you and Walden Schmidt.

431
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:10,072
Now, where is he?

432
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,379
Wow! This house
is amazing.

433
00:17:16,817 --> 00:17:17,992
Larry, this isn't
what you think.

434
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,386
It's exactly what I think.

435
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,648
I have pictures.

436
00:17:21,735 --> 00:17:23,302
We're standing in his house!

437
00:17:23,389 --> 00:17:25,522
Okay, it-it's time for me
to tell you the truth.

438
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:28,090
Don't believe her!
She's a cheating, drunk whore!

439
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,442
Larry, listen to me.

440
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,444
I'm not here to sleep
with Walden Schmidt.

441
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:36,054
I'm here to sleep
with someone else.

442
00:17:36,141 --> 00:17:37,534
What?!
What?!

443
00:17:38,665 --> 00:17:40,189
Remember you told me

444
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:41,015
your fantasy was
to see me with another woman?

445
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:43,105
Yeah?
Yeah?

446
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:46,978
I've arranged for your dream
to come true.

447
00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:48,675
You did?!
You did?!

448
00:17:48,762 --> 00:17:51,156
Yes, that's why I rented
this beautiful beach house

449
00:17:51,243 --> 00:17:53,898
from Walden Schmidt
as a birthday surprise.

450
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:56,292
I also got us something else.

451
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:59,425
So, which one is watching us?

452
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,210
If it's him, I'm gonna
have to charge extra.

453
00:18:04,691 --> 00:18:06,084
Wait a minute.
Is this for real?

454
00:18:06,171 --> 00:18:08,086
Happy birthday, baby.

455
00:18:08,173 --> 00:18:10,088
Wow. Wow.

456
00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:11,872
[laughs]
A threesome.

457
00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:13,222
That is quite
a gift.

458
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,224
Well, it was last minute,

459
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:17,661
and I had to think of something.

460
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:21,012
A nice cardigan wouldn't
have done the trick?

461
00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:22,448
God, I feel so stupid.

462
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,058
I even hired someone
to follow you.

463
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,886
Well, why don't you
call them off,

464
00:18:25,973 --> 00:18:27,323
and we'll all go sit down

465
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,629
and talk about the things
you want to see?

466
00:18:29,716 --> 00:18:31,065
Bye, Jeff.

467
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:33,111
Yeah, bye, Jeff.

468
00:18:33,198 --> 00:18:35,113
I'll send you a
copy of the video.

469
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:37,768
Wait. Thi-Thi...
Wait. This is

470
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:39,161
really... happening?

471
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,771
I mean, you-you-you
and-and-and her?

472
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,816
And-and... and him?

473
00:18:42,903 --> 00:18:44,949
And-and-and here?

474
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,168
While... while I...?

475
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:49,345
Son of a bitch!

476
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:50,781
[mutters]

477
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:51,912
This is crazy.

478
00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:53,479
You know, I'll...
I'll bet

479
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,046
if Lyndsey had been sleeping
with somebody else,

480
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:58,571
he'd be really, really mad.

481
00:18:58,658 --> 00:19:00,356
I know.
Isn't this great, Jeff?

482
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:03,097
She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore.

483
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,839
Hi. It's Larry Martin.

484
00:19:05,926 --> 00:19:08,799
Oh, hey.

485
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:11,018
Listen, I'm not going to be
needing your services anymore,

486
00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:12,194
but I appreciate all your help.

487
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,891
No problem.

488
00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:14,544
It was my pleasure.

489
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:16,110
Good-bye.

490
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:20,463
That was Alan.

491
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:21,942
What did he say?

492
00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:25,119
Well, he, uh, thanked me
for protecting you.

493
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,644
But there's still no sign
of Larry.

494
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,080
And as long as he's out there,
you're not safe.

495
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,865
I'm gonna go get us
some supplies.

496
00:19:31,952 --> 00:19:33,127
No, don't go!

497
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,912
We're having a good time.

498
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,131
You're just a sticky
little honey bun, aren't you?

499
00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:39,482
Now, don't try
to get in touch with anyone,

500
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,179
or Larry will kill you.

501
00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:44,400
Kisses.

502
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,445
[sighs]

503
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:50,144
I got to go to the bathroom.

504
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,193
Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.

505
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:01,243
[thunder rumbling]

506
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:04,028
[heavy footsteps]

507
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,250
Rose?

508
00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:10,687
[loud jangling of keys]

509
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:12,079
All right, come on, Rose.

510
00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:14,256
This... this...
It's not funny.

511
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,519
[thunder crackling]

512
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,872
Larry?!

513
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,657
Listen, we can... we can...
we can work this out!

514
00:20:24,744 --> 00:20:26,833
It's-it's just
a little misunderstanding.

515
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:27,660
[door rattling]

516
00:20:27,747 --> 00:20:29,880
Oh, God! I...

517
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,925
[door rattling loudly]

518
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,237
Well, that was rude.

519
00:20:39,324 --> 00:20:42,153
Looks like I took a shower
for nothing.

520
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,416
♪ Men.♪

521
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:54,687
♪ Come out, come out,
wherever you are! ♪

522
00:20:59,779 --> 00:21:01,738
I hate you, Jeff Strongman.

523
00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:03,696
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

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and TOYOTA.

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Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org