♪ Men ♪♪
Hey Lyndsey, just calling to say goodnight.
Oh, oh, you're in bed already?
So, uh, what are you wearing?
Really? What kind of sweat pants?
Ooh, big, old gray ones.
Is it just me or are you getting turned on, too?
It's...j-j-just me?
Well, that's fine.
I do some of my best work alone.
Alright, alright, go to sleep.
I love you. Do you love..
I know she does.
Oh, great.
[groaning]
Uh-oh, uh..
Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
No, I can't burn down another house.
[screams]
[Walden] 'Alan?'
Oh, hi.
Um, just making some toast.
Huh.
Wonder what happened.
♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪
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♪ Ooo hoo hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Ha aa aa ♪♪ Men ♪♪
[instrumental music]
♪ Men ♪♪
Morning.
Hey.
Sorry again about last night.
Sorry about what?
The fact that my date and I came home
last night to find a middle-aged man
spraying water all over my kitchen
in his tighty not-so-whities?
I was putting out a fire.
- I'm a hero. - Really?
'Cause it looked like you were posing
for the World's Most Disturbing Firemen calendar.
Okay, okay, I get it. You're a little upset.
But I have something that will make you feel better.
Ta-da.
I went out to the drugstore and bought you
a new toaster to replace the old one.
The other one was better.
Better?
This is the Toast blaster Deluxe.
This is the best thing to happen to sliced bread since..
...sliced bread.
But mine had glass walls
so you could watch the toast turn tropical brown.
It was like a...little..
...bread tanning booth.
Well, check this out, you know.
Light, dark.
Dark.
Light.
Okay, that's, uh..
That's supposed to happen.
That's-that's actually a safety feature.
You know, common courtesy dictates
that if you're gonna use my stuff
and break my stuff that you replace my stuff
with equally awesome stuff.
This-this-this is what would happen
if my toaster took a crap.
What are you talking about?
This is a perfectly good toaster.
Look, okay, you know what? I'll prove it to you.
Hope you're hungry.
[machine whirring]
Listen to that baby purr!
I hate you.
♪ Men ♪♪
By the way in case I forget.
I might be a little late on Monday.
Oh, no problem.
When should I expect you?
Wednesday.
Should I dock you for the time you miss?
'I wouldn't.'
- Here you go. - What's this?
I went to the store and I asked them
"What is the stupidest thing I can buy?"
And they gave me this toaster. Enjoy.
You know, you didn't have to do that.
Ah, you made it pretty clear that I did.
In fact, I forwent replacing my cell phone to buy this.
"Forwent?"
It's a word.
Well, I appreciate it. Thank you.
Uh, and you don't have to worry about me ruining that one
because I will never use it.
Okay, stop being ridiculous.
Ah! You want to know what's ridiculous?
A glass toaster. What's next?
A glass toilet so you can wave goodbye to the toast?
How about a glass front door
so I can wave goodbye to you?
Oh, please! You would be lost without me.
- I would be lost without you? - Yeah.
Okay, the only thing that you've brought into my life
is an oil-leaking Volvo
a musty smell in my guest room
and the word "forwent."
It is the past tense of "forgo."
Edify yourself, sir.
And have you noticed
that all the people in your life come and go
but I am the one constant, I am always here.
Maybe the reason they come and go
is because you are always here.
When a woman dumps you, who picks up the pieces?
- Alan Harper. - And who picks up the check?
Walden Schmidt.
Of course, of course. Pull out the money card.
They're called credit cards. Edify yourself, sir.
Okay, if-if-if this is how you think
then I don't even know why I'm living here.
Oh, I do, because it's free!
- Okay, okay, maybe I should go. - Maybe you should.
- Fine. - Fine.
- Okay. - Okay.
I am not bluffing.
Me neither.
This is me opening the door.
This is me watching.
This is me leaving forever.
This is me waving goodbye.
And this is me homeless.
♪ Men ♪♪
You know what the problem is?
Walden doesn't appreciate what I bring to the party.
I've never seen you bring anything to a party.
Except a Ziplocziploc bag to steal the shrimp.
- Whose side are you on? - Yours, of course.
Listen, I know you're upset
but I'm sure you two lovebirds will kiss and make up.
No, not happening, he does not want me back
and I'm not going back.
- You're not? - No.
I have my self-respect.
I do.
So where are you gonna live?
Where am I going to live? You're cute.
Thanks. So where are you gonna live?
Seriously?
Alan, I wanna live with you.
But when you move in I want it to be
because I'm your first choice, not your last resort.
- You are my first choice. - I'm your only choice.
My one and only choice.
Until Walden asks you to move back.
Oh, please!
I am offended that you could
even suggest such a thing. You are the woman I love.
The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Aw.. You're right, sweetie.
- I'm sorry. You can move in. - Oh, thank you.
It'll be nice sharing the place with you.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
And we can split all the bills right down the middle.
Ah..
Oh, come on, you don't want my money.
You're an independent woman.
Walk proud.
Walk over to this door and let me back in.
[Herb] 'Hey, Alan.'
Oh, God! Herb!
- What-what are you doing? - Neighborhood watch.
Oh, that's nice. I-I didn't even know there was one.
There isn't.
So, uh, you and Lyndsey have a little tiff?
Oh, uh, not really a tiff, as much as, uh..
Hey, are you still rattling around
in that big old house all by yourself?
Yeah, I don't think Judith's ever coming back.
That's terrific...ly sad.
You know what? At a time like this, you should not be alone.
Let's go over to your place and have a few beers.
You're a good friend, Alan.
What can I say? I'm a giver.
Say, do you still have the hide-a-bed in the den?
♪ Men ♪♪
Alright, I packed up all Zippy's stuff.
It's sad.
His entire life fits into one duffel bag.
What's even sadder is it's my duffel bag.
He's coming back you know that, right?
No, he's not.
He is a human boomerang.
He's going to circle around, break a window
and land right on your couch.
[doorbell ringing]
Open a window in the kitchen
maybe he'll just go straight through.
- Alan. - Walden.
Don't worry, I'm just here to pick up my things
and then I'll be on my way.
Where you heading, Zippy, back to Mommy's?
Living with my mother that's pretty pathetic, isn't it?
No, for your information
I am living with my ex-wife's, ex-husband
at my ex-house.
Yeah, that's not pathetic.
I packed your things for you.
Oh. I presume this is everything?
- You presume correct. - Hmm.
Your clothes, your toaster
and your expired Mexican boner pills.
Is it lonely up there, Walden?
Is it lonely on your cloud of judgment?
I don't know, maybe you could leave, so I could find out.
Alright, then, goodbye.
Berta, are you crying?
I can't help it.
I'm just so damn happy.
♪ Men ♪♪
Here you go.
Two eggs over easy, silver dollar pancakes
apple wood smoked bacon and whole grain toast.
This is delightful, Alan.
You really know how to spoil your man.
And you know how to flatter yours.
Wow, it seems like just yesterday
I was living here with Judith.
Only difference now is
I actually have a chance at getting laid.
Well, if dinner's as good as breakfast
you've got more than a chance.
Seriously, I-I really appreciate you letting me stay here.
Ah, well, it's nice to have someone around again.
It's been a little lonely since Judith left.
I found it lonely even when Judith was here.
Yeah, I've been watching TV alone and drinking alone.
I even painted a moustache on the bathroom mirror
so I'd have someone to talk to.
R-really?
Yeah. I call him Javier.
Don't worry, Herb, you're better off.
"Judith, she's a beetch."
Can't argue with Javier.
No, no, I wouldn't, he's got a fiery Latin temper.
And a machete.
Um, l-let me ask you something.
Does Herb have a machete?
♪ Men ♪♪
Morning.
Hey, Berta. Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Not Alan.
Free at last, Walden.
Thank God Almighty, we're free at last.
Yeah. Although it is a little quieter around here.
Get a dog, then it won't seem so weird
when you catch him trying to lick himself.
- Hey, Berta? - Yeah?
What do you think about turning Alan's room, into a home gym?
I was thinking about trying to grow pot in there, but okay.
Hey, Berta?
Yeah?
What's going on with you?
What do you mean?
I don't know. Like..
- How's your family? - Incarcerated.
- That's funny. - Okay. Good talk.
Hey...Berta?
- Yeah? - Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's Walden. Let me in.
What are your hopes? What are your dreams?
I'm just hoping to get out of this conversation.
You're...you're on fire today.
Yeah.
Hey, Berta?
Oh, for the love of God, what?
- I like your vest. - Thanks.
Where'd you get it, like, the vest store or something?
Thank God I'm high.
♪ Men ♪♪
Easy, easy. Sound the horn.
Let the town folk know you're coming.
The 9:04 from Pemberton, now arriving on track one.
Right on time.
I-I had no idea this was so much fun.
I know. Look, Alan..
The McDougal boy's coming home from college.
What a reunion this will be.
Welcome home, Jimmy!
Wow, you've, uh, created your own little world here.
Oh, yeah, and this world's perfect.
Well...almost perfect.
Jimmy's brother Bobby
got a little too close to the tracks one night.
Him and his friends were playing chicken with a freight train.
They found his letterman jacket three towns away.
- Oh, no. - Yeah.
Engineer Stan never got over it.
He stopped talking to Helen.
He just sits in his room and paints.
Huh. That's, uh...that's disturbing.
On a couple of levels.
You know it's so nice having you here.
I don't know why, but train enthusiasts
tend to be loners.
Yeah. It's a mystery.
Hello?
Hey, Herb. It's Walden.
Oh. Hey, hold on a sec.
Uh, I got to take this, it's the office.
No problem, I was thinking of heading over to the bar car
to pick us up a couple of frosty brews. You want one?
Oh, make mine a root beer.
This town's seen enough tragedy.
- Hey, what's up? - Is Alan there?
Uh, actually, no, I haven't seen him all day.
I was really hoping to talk to him.
You can't talk to a person that's not here.
Unless you draw a mustache on the mirror.
What?
Is there a message I can give him?
Yeah, just tell him I think I overreacted
and have him give me a call.
Done and done. Bye-bye.
Everything okay at the office?
Uh, actually, it, uh, it wasn't work.
No?
It was the, uh...president of the railroad.
He asked me to give you this.
Congratulations, Conductor Alan!
Oh, my God! Thank you!
Now, let's get that coal car unloaded
and head over to the diner.
Take a look at the new waitress.
Word around town is she goes all the way.
♪ Men ♪♪
[call on computer]
Hey, Jake!
Hey, Walden.
How are you? What's going on, buddy?
Not much. Is my dad there?
No. He actually moved out.
[laughing] Good one!
No, I'm-I'm serious.
We got in a fight, and he left.
My dad left that house?
Yeah. We got in a fight, 'cause he bought a cheap toaster.
W-wait, wait. And he bought something?
Yeah. And I didn't show any appreciation for it.
He bought something with his own money?
I know. I shouldn't have screamed at him.
I-I should have thrown him a parade.
Wait a second, am I being punk'd?
Hey, you know, I got an idea.
Um, you know, just 'cause your dad doesn't live here anymore
doesn't mean that you couldn't come stay for a couple of days.
And do what?
I don't know, like hang out, do guy stuff.
We could go to a bar and get drunk.
Mm, I'm only 19, I can't drink.
Well, fine, we could just get high.
Dude, just call my dad and tell him you want him to come back.
What if he says no?
Oh, you're serious.
He's not gonna say no. Where has he even been living?
He moved into you guy's old house with Herb.
Wow. If there was a Freeloaders Hall of Fame
my dad would be living in it.
For free.
♪ Men ♪♪
[doorbell dings]
- Hi, Herb. - Walden.
- What are you doing here? - I came to talk to Alan.
- Oh. - Sorry, he's not home.
- I'll tell him you stopped by. - Who's at the door?
Nobody! Go back in the train room!
Alan?
Walden?
What's, uh, what's going on?
I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
- Really? - Yes.
Super. Hatchet buried.
We'll have you over for Thanksgiving.
Hold on.
I never meant to make you feel unwelcome in my home.
Well, Alan has a new place now.
A place where he's appreciated.
A place where he feels safe.
A place where he can cry himself to sleep at night
without the fear of being mocked.
Y-you heard that?
There's still a baby monitor in there.
So you also heard..
Let it go, Alan.
I appreciate you, too.
Th-that's why I've been leaving messages with Herb for days.
- What? - You haven't gotten them?
- Herb.. - I'm sorry.
I just wanted a friend.
You know, one who wasn't trapped in a mirror.
Oh, Herb.
- I brought you something. - You did?
You don't happen to have a toaster, do you?
I have a toaster. I also have a..
A guest room with a king-size bed
and a new 42-inch flat-screen TV.
- There's no TV in there. - There could be.
Really?
Your turn.
I'm not gonna try to buy you.
I mean, you're either my friend or you're not.
I have no such qualms, I'll throw in a Blu-ray player.
Wow. Okay, alright, I'm out of here.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Herb..
I-I can't thank you enough for taking me in, but..
..as you can see... Walden needs me.
- I wouldn't go that far. - Shh..
Let me, uh, let me get my things.
What is it about that little guy?
What is it about us that we're fighting over him?
♪ Men ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Ooh. What do we have here?
Uh-oh, she's being called into the boss's office.
Looks like somebody blew the Johnson account.
[Walden] 'Really, Alan?'
I, uh, I thought you were still sleeping.
It's 8 o'clock in the morning!
So?
Hey, Herb. It's Walden.
How would you feel about shared custody?
♪ Men ♪♪
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♪ Hoo hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Men ♪♪