1 00:00:01,011 --> 00:00:02,746 Previously on: 2 00:00:02,813 --> 00:00:04,348 So, what have you been up to? 3 00:00:04,415 --> 00:00:06,217 I started a new software company 4 00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:07,818 with my old partner Billy Stanhope. 5 00:00:07,884 --> 00:00:10,087 You really think we can finally build the electric suitcase? 6 00:00:10,154 --> 00:00:11,855 Yes. We have the technology now. 7 00:00:11,922 --> 00:00:13,357 Something you should know. 8 00:00:13,424 --> 00:00:14,925 It's about your ex-wife. 9 00:00:14,991 --> 00:00:15,992 What, Bridget? 10 00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:17,694 Yeah. I'm, uh... 11 00:00:17,761 --> 00:00:19,230 kind of sleeping with her. 12 00:00:19,296 --> 00:00:21,132 What? Wait! Hey! 13 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,502 Morning. 14 00:00:25,569 --> 00:00:28,605 It's 2:00 p.m. 15 00:00:28,672 --> 00:00:29,406 So? 16 00:00:29,473 --> 00:00:31,142 It's Saturday; I slept in. 17 00:00:31,208 --> 00:00:33,009 It's Sunday. 18 00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:34,778 Really? 19 00:00:34,845 --> 00:00:36,313 That's disturbing. 20 00:00:36,380 --> 00:00:39,850 So what did you do last night that you had to sleep all day? 21 00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:41,452 One thing at a time. 22 00:00:41,518 --> 00:00:43,954 I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Saturday. 23 00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:46,423 Jake, you're gonna graduate high school in a few days. 24 00:00:46,490 --> 00:00:47,691 Don't you think it's time 25 00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:48,959 to start getting your life together? 26 00:00:49,025 --> 00:00:50,594 I will if you will. 27 00:00:50,661 --> 00:00:52,028 What? 28 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,265 I will certainly consider that, Father. 29 00:00:54,331 --> 00:00:55,699 This is serious. 30 00:00:55,766 --> 00:00:57,268 You will never amount to anything if you sleep all day. 31 00:00:57,334 --> 00:00:58,535 WALDEN: Morning. 32 00:01:03,207 --> 00:01:05,142 I'm sorry, I was distracted 33 00:01:05,209 --> 00:01:07,010 by the naked billionaire that just woke up. 34 00:01:07,077 --> 00:01:10,547 Shut up and eat your damn cereal. 35 00:01:10,614 --> 00:01:13,184 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 36 00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:16,453 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 37 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:31,968 Man, I did not think Jeremy was ever gonna stop talking. 38 00:01:32,035 --> 00:01:33,437 Yeah. 39 00:01:33,504 --> 00:01:36,707 That guy really puts the "dict" in "valedictorian." 40 00:01:36,773 --> 00:01:39,376 Thinks he's so great just 'cause he's going to Harvard. 41 00:01:39,443 --> 00:01:40,844 Where is Harvard anyway? 42 00:01:40,911 --> 00:01:44,114 Dude, didn't you learn anything in high school? 43 00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:46,983 It's the capital of Connecticut. 44 00:01:47,050 --> 00:01:48,985 Are you sure? 45 00:01:49,052 --> 00:01:49,986 Yeah. 46 00:01:50,053 --> 00:01:51,522 Harvard, Connecticut. 47 00:01:52,789 --> 00:01:54,725 What'd you think was the capital of Connecticut? 48 00:01:54,791 --> 00:01:56,693 "C." 49 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,396 (laughs) 50 00:01:59,463 --> 00:02:00,831 You're an idiot. 51 00:02:00,897 --> 00:02:02,999 I don't know why I hang out with you. 52 00:02:03,066 --> 00:02:04,000 'Cause you're gay. 53 00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,269 Well, what does that make you? 54 00:02:05,336 --> 00:02:07,571 Attractive. 55 00:02:09,873 --> 00:02:12,776 So are your parents giving you a hard time about your "future"? 56 00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:13,877 Oh, yeah. 57 00:02:13,944 --> 00:02:15,078 Both my mom and my dad. 58 00:02:15,145 --> 00:02:16,647 I'm sick of hearing it. 59 00:02:16,713 --> 00:02:19,683 Yeah. "If you're not going to college, you need to get a job." 60 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:22,152 Where do they get this stuff? 61 00:02:22,219 --> 00:02:24,421 Beats me. 62 00:02:27,558 --> 00:02:29,893 So what are we gonna do? 63 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,962 About what? 64 00:02:32,028 --> 00:02:33,764 Our future. 65 00:02:33,830 --> 00:02:35,532 Oh. 66 00:02:37,368 --> 00:02:40,871 I could go for some frozen yogurt. 67 00:02:40,937 --> 00:02:42,138 Good idea, man. 68 00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,173 Let's go. 69 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,476 Should we take our robes off? 70 00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:46,610 No, no, leave them on. 71 00:02:46,677 --> 00:02:48,879 They'll attract smart chicks. 72 00:02:51,448 --> 00:02:53,917 Come on, Judith. He's your son too. 73 00:02:53,984 --> 00:02:57,854 I have videotape of him shooting out of your body. 74 00:02:58,855 --> 00:03:00,223 Yes, I've talked to him 75 00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:03,294 about his lack of plans, but it's like talking to a wall. 76 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:07,631 A very good-natured, but dense wall. 77 00:03:07,698 --> 00:03:12,002 Of course I'm concerned, but what do you want me to do? 78 00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:15,572 No, I'm not gonna ask Walden to give him a job. 79 00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:18,975 Because it would be an imposition. 80 00:03:19,042 --> 00:03:23,680 Yes, more of an imposition than me living there for free. 81 00:03:23,747 --> 00:03:26,950 Okay, okay, if it'll get you to shut up, I'll ask him. 82 00:03:29,152 --> 00:03:32,356 She's never gonna shut up. 83 00:03:32,423 --> 00:03:33,357 Okay, okay. 84 00:03:33,424 --> 00:03:34,791 Good-bye, Judith. 85 00:03:34,858 --> 00:03:35,826 (scoffs) 86 00:03:35,892 --> 00:03:38,829 I am so thankful I have you in my life. 87 00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:40,897 What about my son? 88 00:03:40,964 --> 00:03:42,333 What about him? 89 00:03:42,399 --> 00:03:45,336 You're gonna ask Walden for a job for Jake, but not Eldridge? 90 00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:48,639 Of course not. 91 00:03:48,705 --> 00:03:51,575 I was just gonna hold Eldridge back to sweeten the deal. 92 00:03:57,180 --> 00:03:59,316 BILLY: I have a question. 93 00:03:59,383 --> 00:04:00,617 What? 94 00:04:00,684 --> 00:04:03,954 Why didn't you order adjustable chairs? 95 00:04:04,020 --> 00:04:06,256 I did. 96 00:04:06,323 --> 00:04:08,258 Mine's adjustable. 97 00:04:08,325 --> 00:04:09,326 Well, wait. 98 00:04:09,393 --> 00:04:10,827 How'd you do that? 99 00:04:10,894 --> 00:04:13,430 This lever right here. 100 00:04:13,497 --> 00:04:15,265 I don't have a lever. 101 00:04:15,332 --> 00:04:16,633 Hmm? 102 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:19,069 Well, that's too bad, you being so short and all. 103 00:04:19,135 --> 00:04:22,373 You did this to get back at me. 104 00:04:22,439 --> 00:04:23,607 I don't know what you're talking about. 105 00:04:23,674 --> 00:04:25,609 For sleeping with your ex-wife. 106 00:04:25,676 --> 00:04:28,679 Do you really think that I am so petty 107 00:04:28,745 --> 00:04:32,649 that I would pay a chair manufacturer an extra $480 108 00:04:32,716 --> 00:04:37,120 to remove the adjustable height feature? 109 00:04:37,187 --> 00:04:41,558 That is crazy talk. 110 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:44,995 How's everything down there at the Lollipop Guild? 111 00:04:49,232 --> 00:04:50,634 Hey, guys. 112 00:04:50,701 --> 00:04:52,035 Am I interrupting? 113 00:04:52,102 --> 00:04:53,036 Hey, Alan. 114 00:04:53,103 --> 00:04:54,538 Just thought I'd bring you by 115 00:04:54,605 --> 00:04:57,040 a little office-warming dieffenbachia. 116 00:04:57,107 --> 00:04:59,410 Ah, thank you. 117 00:04:59,476 --> 00:05:01,311 Looks like you got the place up and running. 118 00:05:01,378 --> 00:05:02,513 We're getting there. 119 00:05:02,579 --> 00:05:03,847 Electric Suitcase, Inc. 120 00:05:03,914 --> 00:05:07,818 Very, very impressive. (laughs) 121 00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:10,821 What can I do for you? 122 00:05:10,887 --> 00:05:13,424 Oh, nothing. I just came to drop off my gift 123 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,891 and wish you well. 124 00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:16,026 Okay. 125 00:05:17,461 --> 00:05:19,195 Okay, well, I'll get out of your hair. 126 00:05:19,262 --> 00:05:21,398 Uh, nice to see you again. 127 00:05:21,465 --> 00:05:23,600 Yep. Always a thrill. 128 00:05:24,668 --> 00:05:25,802 Oh, there is one thing. 129 00:05:25,869 --> 00:05:28,138 Here we go. Here we go. 130 00:05:28,204 --> 00:05:31,241 Um, you know Jake just graduated high school. 131 00:05:31,307 --> 00:05:33,544 Oh, hey, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the ceremony. 132 00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,345 Oh, don't be silly. No one expected you to. 133 00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:36,513 You know what? Here... 134 00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:39,483 why don't you give this to him for me. 135 00:05:39,550 --> 00:05:41,351 Ooh, a hundred dollars. 136 00:05:41,418 --> 00:05:43,887 I will make sure he gets this. 137 00:05:46,757 --> 00:05:49,493 What? I-I don't even know the kid. 138 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:50,894 Oh, of course not. (laughs) 139 00:05:50,961 --> 00:05:53,029 Um, anyway, I was just wondering, um, 140 00:05:53,096 --> 00:05:56,232 since you've started this exciting venture 141 00:05:56,299 --> 00:05:57,734 and obviously you're hiring, 142 00:05:57,801 --> 00:06:00,471 that there might be an opportunity here for Jake. 143 00:06:01,304 --> 00:06:02,639 He's not going to college? 144 00:06:02,706 --> 00:06:04,708 Not unless he's delivering pizzas. 145 00:06:04,775 --> 00:06:06,376 Uh, probably true, 146 00:06:06,443 --> 00:06:07,944 but he has a good heart, 147 00:06:08,011 --> 00:06:10,380 and I'm afraid if I can't find him a decent job, 148 00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:12,115 he might have to sell it. 149 00:06:12,182 --> 00:06:14,217 Okay, listen, Alan, I'm sorry. 150 00:06:14,284 --> 00:06:15,619 I-I like Jake, 151 00:06:15,686 --> 00:06:19,089 but I just don't think we have anything for him here. 152 00:06:19,155 --> 00:06:20,256 Oh, oh, okay. 153 00:06:20,323 --> 00:06:22,459 I understand. You know, he's just my kid. 154 00:06:22,526 --> 00:06:23,960 Our future. But, um, 155 00:06:24,027 --> 00:06:26,497 but thanks anyway. 156 00:06:26,563 --> 00:06:27,864 Oh, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it. 157 00:06:27,931 --> 00:06:28,965 Yeah? Yeah? 158 00:06:29,032 --> 00:06:32,035 Does he know anything about computers at all? 159 00:06:32,102 --> 00:06:34,437 Not per se, but he is eager to learn. 160 00:06:34,505 --> 00:06:37,474 He's like a sponge when it comes to soaking up information. 161 00:06:37,541 --> 00:06:39,943 No, he isn't. 162 00:06:40,010 --> 00:06:42,412 Will you at least give me the sponge part? 163 00:06:42,479 --> 00:06:44,147 Yeah, if you lay him on a wet spot, 164 00:06:44,214 --> 00:06:45,982 he might absorb liquid. 165 00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:48,719 Why are you being such a jerk, man? 166 00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:50,153 Let's give the boy a shot. 167 00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:51,488 Billy, 168 00:06:51,555 --> 00:06:53,557 I've seen this kid spend an entire afternoon 169 00:06:53,624 --> 00:06:56,693 smoking dope and trying to lick his own nipples. 170 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,396 Who amongst us hasn't... done... 171 00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:03,534 Look, we will... we will take him on, okay? 172 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,570 Billy... He'll be my responsibility. 173 00:07:06,637 --> 00:07:08,104 Oh, thank you so much. You will not regret it. 174 00:07:08,171 --> 00:07:11,808 Yes, you will. I will send him right over. 175 00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:13,076 Oh, one more thing, 176 00:07:13,143 --> 00:07:15,512 uh, my girlfriend's son needs a job too, 177 00:07:15,579 --> 00:07:17,013 but you're gonna love him, he's... 178 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,248 blonde. Bye. 179 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,418 Okay, I'm telling you right now, 180 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:25,021 this is a bad idea. 181 00:07:27,257 --> 00:07:28,659 How did you do that? 182 00:07:28,725 --> 00:07:31,061 I don't know what you're talking about. 183 00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:38,301 Okay, fellas... 184 00:07:38,368 --> 00:07:39,836 this is the heart and soul 185 00:07:39,903 --> 00:07:41,572 of The Electric Suitcase. 186 00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:43,206 300 state of the art, 187 00:07:43,273 --> 00:07:44,808 high bandwidth servers 188 00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:46,610 all working in tandem. 189 00:07:46,677 --> 00:07:48,278 Cool. Awesome. 190 00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:49,479 Any questions so far? 191 00:07:49,546 --> 00:07:51,047 Uh, yeah. Is there a cafeteria 192 00:07:51,114 --> 00:07:52,649 or do we order in? 193 00:07:53,884 --> 00:07:55,986 There's a cafeteria on the 14th floor. 194 00:07:56,052 --> 00:07:57,888 Oh. Cool. I got a question. 195 00:07:57,954 --> 00:07:58,488 Yes? 196 00:07:58,555 --> 00:07:59,990 Do they have donuts? 197 00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:03,193 Was I lying? 198 00:08:03,259 --> 00:08:05,962 I don't know if I have donuts. 199 00:08:06,029 --> 00:08:08,498 That's okay. It's not a deal-breaker. 200 00:08:08,565 --> 00:08:09,700 Glad to hear it. 201 00:08:09,766 --> 00:08:10,967 Uh, okay, guys... 202 00:08:11,034 --> 00:08:13,369 all you have to do between now 203 00:08:13,436 --> 00:08:14,805 and 8:00 tomorrow morning, 204 00:08:14,871 --> 00:08:19,109 is watch the lights on these servers, all right? 205 00:08:19,175 --> 00:08:20,176 If a green goes to red, 206 00:08:20,243 --> 00:08:22,078 it means the drive is about to fail 207 00:08:22,145 --> 00:08:23,213 so all you do... 208 00:08:23,279 --> 00:08:25,315 you pop it out 209 00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:26,850 and you replace it 210 00:08:26,917 --> 00:08:29,252 with a fresh one from right here. 211 00:08:29,319 --> 00:08:31,021 Got it. No problem. All right. 212 00:08:31,087 --> 00:08:33,857 Oh, and there's no smoking dope in this building. 213 00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:35,391 No, sir. Absolutely not. 214 00:08:35,458 --> 00:08:37,794 Not inside the building. 215 00:08:37,861 --> 00:08:40,230 Or outside the building. 216 00:08:40,296 --> 00:08:41,865 How about the roof? 217 00:08:41,932 --> 00:08:42,899 No. 218 00:08:42,966 --> 00:08:45,001 What about before we come to work? 219 00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:45,802 No! 220 00:08:45,869 --> 00:08:47,403 What about brownies? 221 00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:50,273 There's no pot, period! 222 00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:53,810 No brownies, no God, no roof, no outside, no inside. 223 00:08:53,877 --> 00:08:55,979 No problem. All right. 224 00:08:57,147 --> 00:08:58,148 Good. 225 00:08:58,214 --> 00:09:00,216 Oh, and we just want to take this opportunity 226 00:09:00,283 --> 00:09:02,786 to thank you both for this great opportunity. 227 00:09:02,853 --> 00:09:04,955 'Cause let's face it, it is an opportunity. 228 00:09:05,021 --> 00:09:07,557 And it's great. Opportunity. 229 00:09:07,624 --> 00:09:10,393 Remember, this is on you. 230 00:09:11,895 --> 00:09:12,963 Oh, and on a personal note, 231 00:09:13,029 --> 00:09:14,297 thank you for the graduation money. 232 00:09:14,364 --> 00:09:15,966 It's my pleasure. 233 00:09:16,032 --> 00:09:18,702 A kid my age can always use an extra 50 bucks. 234 00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:25,341 You know, 235 00:09:25,408 --> 00:09:27,911 I kind of like this whole "working for a living" thing. 236 00:09:27,978 --> 00:09:29,445 It feels good, you know? 237 00:09:29,512 --> 00:09:30,781 Responsible, grownup. 238 00:09:30,847 --> 00:09:32,148 Absolutely. 239 00:09:32,215 --> 00:09:35,218 All right, we have successfully downloaded 240 00:09:35,285 --> 00:09:37,754 40,000 hours of porn. 241 00:09:37,821 --> 00:09:40,556 That's a lot to watch two minutes at a time. 242 00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,425 I just hope Billy and Walden don't notice 243 00:09:42,492 --> 00:09:44,094 that we're using their hard drives. 244 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,830 Don't worry. I've labeled every movie "personal." 245 00:09:46,897 --> 00:09:48,498 Oh. Good thinking. 246 00:09:48,564 --> 00:09:51,001 Oh, red light. I got it. 247 00:09:54,404 --> 00:09:55,605 Nicely done. 248 00:09:55,672 --> 00:09:57,874 We got this job nailed, my man. Yeah. 249 00:09:57,941 --> 00:09:59,242 And the best part is, 250 00:09:59,309 --> 00:10:01,011 we are in on the ground floor of the company. 251 00:10:01,077 --> 00:10:03,213 (beeps) Oh, another one. 252 00:10:03,279 --> 00:10:04,514 Allow me. 253 00:10:04,580 --> 00:10:06,850 Maybe they'll give us stock options and we'll be rich. 254 00:10:06,917 --> 00:10:08,384 What exactly is a stock option? 255 00:10:08,451 --> 00:10:10,386 It's a call option on the common stock of a company, 256 00:10:10,453 --> 00:10:12,622 issued as a form of cash compensation. 257 00:10:12,689 --> 00:10:13,857 If the company stock rises, 258 00:10:13,924 --> 00:10:15,425 the holder of the option 259 00:10:15,491 --> 00:10:18,228 generally experiences a direct financial benefit. 260 00:10:18,294 --> 00:10:20,163 Where'd you learn that? 261 00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:23,166 Wikipedia. It's not just for term papers. 262 00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:26,369 The point is, we're gonna be rich. 263 00:10:26,436 --> 00:10:27,904 (beeps) Oh, another one. 264 00:10:27,971 --> 00:10:30,506 Cool. So we'll have our own planes 265 00:10:30,573 --> 00:10:32,575 and yachts and chicks. 266 00:10:32,642 --> 00:10:34,477 And tons of pot. Chicks with pot. 267 00:10:34,544 --> 00:10:35,645 Chicks with pot in bikinis. 268 00:10:35,712 --> 00:10:36,880 Naked chicks with pot. 269 00:10:36,947 --> 00:10:38,214 On a yacht. 270 00:10:38,281 --> 00:10:40,383 I like that a lot. 271 00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:41,384 Uh-oh. 272 00:10:41,451 --> 00:10:43,119 That's not good. 273 00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:46,056 Yeah. Why are they all going bad at the same time? I don't know. 274 00:10:46,122 --> 00:10:47,690 It's like there's some sort of virus. 275 00:10:47,758 --> 00:10:50,260 Like the kind you get when you download too much... 276 00:10:50,326 --> 00:10:52,162 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. 277 00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:54,364 Maybe we should call Billy! 278 00:10:54,430 --> 00:10:56,166 No, we can do this! 279 00:10:58,068 --> 00:10:59,669 Okay, we can't do this. 280 00:10:59,736 --> 00:11:02,105 Call Billy! Call Billy! 281 00:11:02,172 --> 00:11:03,506 Hello? 282 00:11:03,573 --> 00:11:05,275 Billy, it's Jake. 283 00:11:05,341 --> 00:11:07,778 (hissing) 284 00:11:09,245 --> 00:11:11,314 I just want to start once again 285 00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:14,084 by saying how grateful we are for this opportunity. 286 00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:15,351 It's great. 287 00:11:28,198 --> 00:11:31,768 How did this happen? 288 00:11:31,835 --> 00:11:33,770 Oh, I... I don't know. 289 00:11:33,837 --> 00:11:37,540 Well, faulty wiring or, uh, cheap hardware... 290 00:11:37,607 --> 00:11:39,175 Definitely not a porn virus. 291 00:11:39,242 --> 00:11:40,176 Shut up. 292 00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:41,444 How could you guys do this? 293 00:11:41,511 --> 00:11:43,313 I went out on a limb for you. 294 00:11:43,379 --> 00:11:44,314 I believed in you. 295 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:45,515 Well, thank you. 296 00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:47,450 It was... it was a wonderful opportunity. 297 00:11:47,517 --> 00:11:48,852 Oh, great opportunity. 298 00:11:51,454 --> 00:11:53,957 So, when do we get paid? 299 00:11:54,024 --> 00:11:55,892 (chuckles wryly) 300 00:11:55,959 --> 00:11:56,927 Okay. 301 00:11:56,993 --> 00:11:59,295 Yeah, you can't. I know their parents. 302 00:12:02,432 --> 00:12:04,367 Hey. What are you guys doing here? 303 00:12:04,434 --> 00:12:07,103 I thought your shift didn't end till 8:00 a.m. 304 00:12:07,170 --> 00:12:08,371 Well, we got done early. 305 00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:10,106 Oh. Everything go okay? 306 00:12:10,173 --> 00:12:11,507 I was kind of worried 307 00:12:11,574 --> 00:12:13,509 you might burn the whole place down or something. 308 00:12:13,576 --> 00:12:16,546 Well, it wasn't "or something." 309 00:12:21,551 --> 00:12:24,687 How am I supposed to find jobs in the next 24 hours? 310 00:12:24,754 --> 00:12:26,056 Beats me. 311 00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,590 It's like our parents are clueless 312 00:12:27,657 --> 00:12:29,725 about how bad the economy is. 313 00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,794 Yeah. 314 00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:34,097 You know what, 315 00:12:34,164 --> 00:12:36,099 instead of working for someone else, 316 00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:37,934 we should start our own business. 317 00:12:38,001 --> 00:12:39,535 I like that. 318 00:12:39,602 --> 00:12:42,272 We could find some adventure capitalists 319 00:12:42,338 --> 00:12:44,875 and become, um-- what do you call-- 320 00:12:44,941 --> 00:12:46,276 entrepraneers. 321 00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:48,711 Yeah. It's not like we don't have our own good idea. 322 00:12:48,778 --> 00:12:50,413 We have great ideas. 323 00:12:52,916 --> 00:12:56,887 Hey, maybe we can put other food on a stick and sell it. 324 00:12:56,953 --> 00:13:00,356 Yeah. Pizza on a stick. 325 00:13:00,423 --> 00:13:01,491 Pizza sticks. 326 00:13:01,557 --> 00:13:02,025 Pie. 327 00:13:02,092 --> 00:13:03,159 Pie sticks. 328 00:13:03,226 --> 00:13:04,327 Fish. 329 00:13:04,394 --> 00:13:08,031 Yeah, what are we going to call those? 330 00:13:08,098 --> 00:13:10,000 Fish-sicles! 331 00:13:10,066 --> 00:13:11,501 Genius! 332 00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:12,635 Yeah. 333 00:13:12,702 --> 00:13:14,304 MAN: Excuse me. 334 00:13:15,038 --> 00:13:16,239 Did I hear you guys say 335 00:13:16,306 --> 00:13:17,707 you're looking for jobs? 336 00:13:17,773 --> 00:13:18,841 Yeah. 337 00:13:18,909 --> 00:13:20,276 Why? 338 00:13:35,959 --> 00:13:37,894 Maybe it's me. 339 00:13:37,961 --> 00:13:39,462 I'm an idiot magnet. 340 00:13:39,529 --> 00:13:40,997 ALAN: Hey. 341 00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:47,370 Yup. 342 00:13:48,738 --> 00:13:50,273 Hi. 343 00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:51,407 How you doing? 344 00:13:51,474 --> 00:13:52,842 Not so good. 345 00:13:52,909 --> 00:13:55,311 Yeah, yeah, we heard, and we're so, so sorry. 346 00:13:55,378 --> 00:13:56,679 So, so very sorry. 347 00:13:56,746 --> 00:13:58,814 Yeah, well, thank God the files are backed up 348 00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,951 and insurance will cover most of the damage. 349 00:14:01,017 --> 00:14:02,085 That's great news! 350 00:14:02,152 --> 00:14:03,219 Yes. Phew! 351 00:14:03,286 --> 00:14:04,754 (laughing) 352 00:14:06,556 --> 00:14:11,727 You do realize that your children are not normal. 353 00:14:11,794 --> 00:14:15,631 Well, yeah, but, you know, what's normal? 354 00:14:15,698 --> 00:14:17,067 And-and in Jake's defense, 355 00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,969 he never would have done anything like this 356 00:14:19,035 --> 00:14:21,071 unless, uh, you know. 357 00:14:21,137 --> 00:14:23,239 (chuckling nervously) 358 00:14:23,306 --> 00:14:25,341 "You know" what, Alan? 359 00:14:25,408 --> 00:14:27,443 Well, I didn't want to, you know, say anything 360 00:14:27,510 --> 00:14:29,812 but, uh, but clearly there's a bad influence involved here. 361 00:14:29,879 --> 00:14:31,881 I mean, I don't want to point any fingers, 362 00:14:31,948 --> 00:14:34,951 but, uh, his name rhymes with "smeldridge." 363 00:14:35,018 --> 00:14:36,319 (Lyndsey scoffs) 364 00:14:36,386 --> 00:14:38,588 Oh, my God. 365 00:14:38,654 --> 00:14:40,423 You-you can't be serious. 366 00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:42,858 My son had never been in trouble in his life 367 00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,360 until he met your son. 368 00:14:44,427 --> 00:14:45,595 Never been in trouble? 369 00:14:45,661 --> 00:14:46,762 He tried to counterfeit money 370 00:14:46,829 --> 00:14:48,664 with a computer and an inkjet printer. 371 00:14:48,731 --> 00:14:50,766 The government dropped the charges. 372 00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,935 Only because there's no such thing 373 00:14:53,003 --> 00:14:54,670 as a $25 bill. 374 00:14:54,737 --> 00:14:56,639 LYNDSEY: Yeah? Yeah? Well, 375 00:14:56,706 --> 00:14:58,341 well, what about when Jake stole your brother's Mercedes 376 00:14:58,408 --> 00:15:00,476 and lost it in Topanga Canyon? 377 00:15:00,543 --> 00:15:02,045 He didn't steal it. He borrowed it. 378 00:15:02,112 --> 00:15:03,946 And he was only driving it because my brother was drunk 379 00:15:04,014 --> 00:15:06,616 and someone had to take his hooker home. 380 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,953 In Topanga Canyon, which is where she lived. 381 00:15:11,021 --> 00:15:12,155 You are always making excuses for him. 382 00:15:12,222 --> 00:15:13,656 And you don't excuse Eldridge? 383 00:15:13,723 --> 00:15:15,491 LYNDSEY: Hey, he went through a very rough divorce. 384 00:15:15,558 --> 00:15:16,959 ALAN: And Jake didn't? 385 00:15:17,027 --> 00:15:19,095 LYNDSEY: Well, at least your wife traded up. 386 00:15:19,162 --> 00:15:20,563 Wh-what is that supposed to mean? 387 00:15:20,630 --> 00:15:23,099 Really? That was too subtle for you? 388 00:15:25,168 --> 00:15:27,537 Hey, everybody, good news. 389 00:15:27,603 --> 00:15:29,405 You don't have to worry about us finding work. 390 00:15:29,472 --> 00:15:30,706 You-you got a job? 391 00:15:30,773 --> 00:15:32,275 Yeah. It's not just a job though. 392 00:15:32,342 --> 00:15:35,545 It's an adventure. 393 00:15:35,611 --> 00:15:36,546 What? 394 00:15:36,612 --> 00:15:39,649 We're gonna be all we can be. 395 00:15:42,185 --> 00:15:44,254 Oh, oh, no-no, you didn't. 396 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:45,455 We didn't what? 397 00:15:45,521 --> 00:15:46,856 Join the Army. 398 00:15:46,922 --> 00:15:49,892 Yeah, we joined the Army. How'd you know? 399 00:15:51,561 --> 00:15:54,964 You need to listen to me. 400 00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:59,869 They are not normal. 401 00:16:08,111 --> 00:16:10,113 Uh, hiya. 402 00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:11,447 Hi. 403 00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,615 Looking for a new career? 404 00:16:12,682 --> 00:16:15,017 Um, I'm 44 years old. 405 00:16:15,085 --> 00:16:16,152 That's okay. 406 00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:17,853 Today's Army is all-inclusive. 407 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,091 You can be as old and as gay as you want. 408 00:16:21,157 --> 00:16:23,993 Uh, well, that's-that's good to know. 409 00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:26,562 Um, uh, but I-I actually wanted to talk to you 410 00:16:26,629 --> 00:16:28,864 about my son, Jake Harper. 411 00:16:29,899 --> 00:16:31,567 Harper. Harper. 412 00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:34,104 Oh, yeah, wants to be a drone pilot. 413 00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:35,338 Yeah, he told me. 414 00:16:35,405 --> 00:16:36,439 He thinks it's like a video game. 415 00:16:36,506 --> 00:16:37,573 Oh, it is. 416 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,175 It's exactly like a video game. 417 00:16:39,242 --> 00:16:41,444 Except we blow up real people. 418 00:16:41,511 --> 00:16:44,714 Yeah, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. 419 00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:45,548 Um, 420 00:16:45,615 --> 00:16:46,682 I love my son, 421 00:16:46,749 --> 00:16:48,084 uh, but more importantly, 422 00:16:48,151 --> 00:16:50,386 I love my country, 423 00:16:50,453 --> 00:16:53,389 uh, which is why I don't think my son 424 00:16:53,456 --> 00:16:56,226 should have access to flying bombs. 425 00:16:57,527 --> 00:16:59,729 Or really any kind of weapon. 426 00:16:59,795 --> 00:17:01,264 I mean, between you and me, 427 00:17:01,331 --> 00:17:03,633 I've seen him try to pick up spilled food with a fork 428 00:17:03,699 --> 00:17:05,501 and stab himself in the leg. 429 00:17:05,568 --> 00:17:07,137 And not just once. 430 00:17:07,203 --> 00:17:10,606 I understand your concern, but our training is unsurpassed. 431 00:17:10,673 --> 00:17:12,475 We take boys and turn them into men. 432 00:17:12,542 --> 00:17:14,244 I know you think that... 433 00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:18,214 ...but you don't know him like I do. 434 00:17:18,281 --> 00:17:19,749 He's 18, right? Yeah. 435 00:17:19,815 --> 00:17:22,285 Not currently on probation or under indictment? 436 00:17:22,352 --> 00:17:24,086 No. Is this his signature? 437 00:17:24,154 --> 00:17:25,087 Yeah. 438 00:17:25,155 --> 00:17:26,389 Then if he passes the physical, 439 00:17:26,456 --> 00:17:29,292 he's signed, stamped, and off to camp. 440 00:17:30,126 --> 00:17:32,795 I see. 441 00:17:32,862 --> 00:17:35,165 Oh, look, al-Qaeda! 442 00:17:35,998 --> 00:17:38,368 It's just a copy! 443 00:17:39,435 --> 00:17:41,237 Hey, guys, you like video games? 444 00:17:46,075 --> 00:17:47,743 Congratulations, Jake. 445 00:17:47,810 --> 00:17:50,513 I know I'm only your stepdad, but I'm real proud of you. 446 00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:52,248 Thanks, Herb. Were you ever in the Army? 447 00:17:52,315 --> 00:17:55,117 Well, the KISS Army. 448 00:17:56,852 --> 00:17:58,654 But I don't think that really counts. 449 00:17:58,721 --> 00:18:00,956 You think Mom's ever gonna stop crying 450 00:18:01,023 --> 00:18:02,124 before I go? 451 00:18:02,192 --> 00:18:03,359 (sobbing quietly) 452 00:18:03,426 --> 00:18:05,395 My guess is no. 453 00:18:05,461 --> 00:18:07,497 Don't worry, Mom. 454 00:18:07,563 --> 00:18:08,731 I'll be fine. 455 00:18:08,798 --> 00:18:09,865 I'm a grown man now. 456 00:18:09,932 --> 00:18:11,534 No, you're not. 457 00:18:11,601 --> 00:18:13,869 You're my bigheaded baby. 458 00:18:13,936 --> 00:18:16,138 (sobbing) 459 00:18:16,206 --> 00:18:19,409 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 460 00:18:32,955 --> 00:18:34,357 So, Berta, are you gonna miss me? 461 00:18:34,424 --> 00:18:36,192 Nah, why should I miss you? 462 00:18:36,259 --> 00:18:38,361 You're just an extra toilet to clean. 463 00:18:38,428 --> 00:18:40,996 That is, when you hit the toilet. 464 00:18:41,063 --> 00:18:44,334 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 465 00:18:57,513 --> 00:19:00,015 Don't worry, Grandma. I'll make you proud of me. 466 00:19:00,082 --> 00:19:03,185 I've always been proud of you, darling. 467 00:19:03,253 --> 00:19:05,087 In my own way. 468 00:19:05,154 --> 00:19:08,624 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 469 00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:24,139 Thanks for everything. 470 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:27,343 Come here. 471 00:19:27,410 --> 00:19:30,980 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 472 00:19:36,552 --> 00:19:38,187 Look at the bright side, Dad. 473 00:19:38,254 --> 00:19:39,722 You won't have to buy me clothes anymore. 474 00:19:39,789 --> 00:19:41,457 They're gonna give me a dress uniform, 475 00:19:41,524 --> 00:19:44,560 a work uniform, and even one for when I'm tired. 476 00:19:44,627 --> 00:19:46,095 What? 477 00:19:46,161 --> 00:19:48,498 Yeah, they call 'em "fatigues." 478 00:19:48,564 --> 00:19:51,233 I don't know why they just wouldn't call 'em pajamas. 479 00:19:51,301 --> 00:19:53,769 Oh, my son, my son. 480 00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:57,239 (piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel") 481 00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:20,463 You be a good boy, and you do what you're told, 482 00:20:20,530 --> 00:20:22,264 and promise me you'll be careful. 483 00:20:22,332 --> 00:20:23,733 Don't worry about me. 484 00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:28,338 Worry about our nation's enemies. 485 00:20:32,074 --> 00:20:34,276 I am worried. 486 00:20:39,048 --> 00:20:40,249 * Men. * 487 00:20:40,316 --> 00:20:42,084 DRILL SERGEANT: Come on, you lazy pukes! 488 00:20:42,151 --> 00:20:44,286 Move it! Move it! Move it! 489 00:20:44,354 --> 00:20:47,056 When do we start flying the robot planes? 490 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:48,424 (grunting) 491 00:20:48,491 --> 00:20:49,359 (straining): I don't know. 492 00:20:49,425 --> 00:20:51,627 Maybe after lunch. 493 00:20:51,694 --> 00:20:54,364 No, we're going on a five-mile run after lunch. 494 00:20:54,430 --> 00:20:56,031 No, I'm gonna skip that. 495 00:20:56,098 --> 00:20:57,933 I want to take a nap. 496 00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:58,968 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 497 00:20:59,034 --> 00:21:01,771 and TOYOTA.