1 00:00:02,079 --> 00:00:03,147 * Men. 2 00:00:03,214 --> 00:00:04,215 Swordfish looks good. 3 00:00:04,281 --> 00:00:05,582 You eat a lot of fish. 4 00:00:05,649 --> 00:00:07,251 Aren't you worried about mercury? 5 00:00:07,318 --> 00:00:10,221 Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me, 6 00:00:10,287 --> 00:00:11,788 mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, 7 00:00:11,855 --> 00:00:14,825 struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. 8 00:00:15,959 --> 00:00:18,329 Guess which one I'm rooting for. 9 00:00:18,395 --> 00:00:19,630 Charles? 10 00:00:20,797 --> 00:00:23,200 Speaking of things I expect to kill me. 11 00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,836 What a lovely surprise. 12 00:00:25,902 --> 00:00:27,871 Michelle, this is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle. 13 00:00:27,938 --> 00:00:30,174 Evelyn, it's a pleasure. You have a wonderful son. 14 00:00:30,241 --> 00:00:31,475 Yes, I do. 15 00:00:31,542 --> 00:00:34,077 But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him. 16 00:00:35,146 --> 00:00:37,581 Before she kills, she likes to torture. 17 00:00:38,849 --> 00:00:40,651 So, how did you two meet? 18 00:00:40,717 --> 00:00:43,053 Charlie asked me to look at a little thing on his butt. 19 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,321 Oh, smooth, Charlie. 20 00:00:44,388 --> 00:00:46,290 She's a dermatologist, Mom. 21 00:00:46,357 --> 00:00:48,825 Oh, a doctor? 22 00:00:48,892 --> 00:00:50,861 So you have access to Charlie's medical records 23 00:00:50,927 --> 00:00:52,429 and still went out with him. 24 00:00:52,496 --> 00:00:55,866 Okay, nice to see you, Mom. I don't want to keep you 25 00:00:55,932 --> 00:00:57,768 from whatever poor schmuck you're here to meet. 26 00:00:57,834 --> 00:01:00,237 Sorry I'm late, Mom. 27 00:01:00,304 --> 00:01:03,207 How about that? The poorest schmuck I know. 28 00:01:04,241 --> 00:01:06,076 Michelle, this is my brother Alan. 29 00:01:06,143 --> 00:01:07,077 Alan, Michelle. Hi. 30 00:01:07,144 --> 00:01:08,078 Nice to meet you. 31 00:01:08,145 --> 00:01:10,381 Would you like to join us? 32 00:01:10,447 --> 00:01:11,548 Sure. 33 00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:12,683 How sweet. 34 00:01:12,749 --> 00:01:13,684 Uh... waiter? 35 00:01:13,750 --> 00:01:16,220 I thought you liked me. 36 00:01:18,222 --> 00:01:20,924 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 37 00:01:20,991 --> 00:01:24,528 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 38 00:01:24,595 --> 00:01:27,664 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 39 00:01:27,731 --> 00:01:29,666 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 40 00:01:29,733 --> 00:01:32,469 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 41 00:01:32,536 --> 00:01:35,606 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 42 00:01:35,672 --> 00:01:39,243 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 43 00:01:45,882 --> 00:01:47,884 * Men. 44 00:01:47,951 --> 00:01:50,287 Well, this is very pleasant. 45 00:01:50,354 --> 00:01:52,656 The last time I met one of Charlie's girlfriends, 46 00:01:52,723 --> 00:01:56,627 I was picking glitter off my skin for a week. 47 00:01:56,693 --> 00:01:58,595 Oh, right, the 22-year-old pole dancer. 48 00:01:58,662 --> 00:01:59,963 (grunts) 49 00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:02,433 Oh, don't get the wrong idea. 50 00:02:02,499 --> 00:02:04,968 I mean, not every woman Charlie dates is a stripper. 51 00:02:05,035 --> 00:02:06,102 I can't imagine 52 00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,838 you stripping, for example. 53 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,842 I mean, I can imagine it. 54 00:02:11,908 --> 00:02:13,377 (growls) 55 00:02:20,451 --> 00:02:21,885 So what's the occasion for you two? 56 00:02:21,952 --> 00:02:23,086 No occasion. 57 00:02:23,153 --> 00:02:25,222 Can't a son invite his mom to lunch? 58 00:02:25,289 --> 00:02:27,358 He needs money. 59 00:02:27,424 --> 00:02:29,993 No, no. But if you're lookin' to give some away 60 00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,262 I'm not gonna turn it down. 61 00:02:31,328 --> 00:02:33,530 You're a dermatologist. 62 00:02:33,597 --> 00:02:36,867 How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag? 63 00:02:36,933 --> 00:02:40,237 Excuse me, 164. 64 00:02:40,304 --> 00:02:42,739 Really? That's the part you object to? 65 00:02:42,806 --> 00:02:45,609 Would you like to be called a 200-pound drunk? 66 00:02:45,676 --> 00:02:47,244 180. See? 67 00:02:47,311 --> 00:02:49,946 Yeah, well, better a lush than a leech. 68 00:02:50,013 --> 00:02:51,348 At least a leech doesn't miss 69 00:02:51,415 --> 00:02:53,083 his mother's birthday in a drunken blackout. 70 00:02:53,149 --> 00:02:54,651 Yes, but when the lush wakes up, 71 00:02:54,718 --> 00:02:57,254 he can buy her a nice gift with his own money. 72 00:02:57,321 --> 00:02:59,623 He can, but he doesn't. 73 00:02:59,690 --> 00:03:00,657 He doesn't because 74 00:03:00,724 --> 00:03:02,393 you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. 75 00:03:02,459 --> 00:03:03,860 Let's not start with appreciation. 76 00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:05,496 Did I ever get a thank you 77 00:03:05,562 --> 00:03:08,632 for bearing you and raising you all by myself? 78 00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:10,834 Thank you, Mommy. 79 00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,269 Give it a rest. 80 00:03:12,336 --> 00:03:13,304 I'll write you a check. 81 00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:14,905 Thank you, Mommy. 82 00:03:14,971 --> 00:03:18,108 (sighs) Do you have children, Michelle? 83 00:03:18,174 --> 00:03:20,010 I have a daughter. 84 00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:22,178 Isn't that nice? 85 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:23,847 Has she ripped your heart out yet? 86 00:03:23,914 --> 00:03:25,882 Not quite. 87 00:03:25,949 --> 00:03:27,183 Well, give her time. 88 00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,420 Children are God's little way of 89 00:03:29,486 --> 00:03:31,888 punishing us for having sex. 90 00:03:33,557 --> 00:03:36,427 So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. 91 00:03:36,493 --> 00:03:37,861 Will you be breaking up with me now 92 00:03:37,928 --> 00:03:39,963 or would you prefer to wait till after lunch? 93 00:03:40,030 --> 00:03:41,365 I'll wait. 94 00:03:41,432 --> 00:03:42,666 I already ordered the souffle 95 00:03:42,733 --> 00:03:44,835 and I understand it's very good here. 96 00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:48,505 Oh, she's attractive, successful and funny. 97 00:03:48,572 --> 00:03:50,841 So tell me, dear, 98 00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:52,509 why are you settling? 99 00:03:55,145 --> 00:03:57,314 * Men. 100 00:03:59,215 --> 00:04:01,852 Mmm... wait, wait, wait. 101 00:04:01,918 --> 00:04:03,654 Can I ask you a question? 102 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:04,755 Sure. 103 00:04:04,821 --> 00:04:07,824 Have there been a lot of women in this bed? 104 00:04:07,891 --> 00:04:10,293 Uh... 105 00:04:10,361 --> 00:04:13,564 actually in the bed? 106 00:04:14,498 --> 00:04:15,799 Fewer than you'd think. 107 00:04:15,866 --> 00:04:17,067 Charlie... 108 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:20,003 Listen, I'm not gonna lie about who I am 109 00:04:20,070 --> 00:04:21,805 or where I've been, 110 00:04:21,872 --> 00:04:24,475 so don't ask unless you really want to know. 111 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:28,945 It doesn't matter. 112 00:04:29,012 --> 00:04:30,113 The past is the past. 113 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:31,448 Agreed. 114 00:04:31,515 --> 00:04:32,649 Let's work on the present. 115 00:04:32,716 --> 00:04:34,017 Oh, goody, I love presents. 116 00:04:34,084 --> 00:04:35,185 (laughs) 117 00:04:35,251 --> 00:04:36,319 (knocking) 118 00:04:36,387 --> 00:04:37,354 JAKE: Uncle Charlie? 119 00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,022 Busy, Jake. 120 00:04:39,089 --> 00:04:42,693 JAKE: Oh, is Chelsea back? 121 00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:45,295 No, Jake. 122 00:04:45,362 --> 00:04:46,463 Mia? 123 00:04:48,765 --> 00:04:50,501 No. 124 00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:54,137 The married stripper? What's her name, Betsy? 125 00:04:54,204 --> 00:04:57,073 What do you need, Jake? 126 00:04:57,140 --> 00:04:58,642 Can I borrow your car? 127 00:04:58,709 --> 00:05:01,978 No, you can't borrow my hundred- thousand-dollar Mercedes! 128 00:05:02,045 --> 00:05:03,414 Okay. 129 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,315 Sorry about that. 130 00:05:05,382 --> 00:05:08,785 It's not another hooker, is it? 131 00:05:11,021 --> 00:05:13,390 Excuse me. 132 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,795 Here's the keys. Go away. Thank you. 133 00:05:20,797 --> 00:05:22,165 My nephew. 134 00:05:22,232 --> 00:05:24,768 Everyone's convinced he's a freaking moron, 135 00:05:24,835 --> 00:05:28,639 but I'm starting to think he's an evil genius. 136 00:05:31,107 --> 00:05:32,909 * Men. 137 00:05:32,976 --> 00:05:35,211 Hey, did you hear that noise last night? 138 00:05:35,278 --> 00:05:36,480 What noise? 139 00:05:36,547 --> 00:05:38,549 Around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, 140 00:05:38,615 --> 00:05:40,050 I thought I heard a man crying. 141 00:05:40,116 --> 00:05:43,386 Oh, that's nothing. That's just Alan. 142 00:05:43,454 --> 00:05:44,888 It's nothing? 143 00:05:44,955 --> 00:05:47,824 Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee, 144 00:05:47,891 --> 00:05:51,061 then he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. 145 00:05:53,029 --> 00:05:55,098 Then he starts crying. 146 00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:58,869 Oh, my God, that's awful! 147 00:05:58,935 --> 00:06:02,639 It's like the ocean. I don't even hear it anymore. 148 00:06:04,274 --> 00:06:05,609 Hey, sorry I'm late. 149 00:06:05,676 --> 00:06:08,178 I stopped off and did the shopping for the week. 150 00:06:10,981 --> 00:06:12,649 Michelle, this is my housekeeper Berta. 151 00:06:12,716 --> 00:06:14,284 Berta, Michelle. Hi. 152 00:06:14,350 --> 00:06:15,351 Nice to meet you. 153 00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:16,319 Planning a party? 154 00:06:16,386 --> 00:06:19,189 Every afternoon at 2:00. 155 00:06:19,255 --> 00:06:21,592 (chuckles) She's, she's kidding. 156 00:06:21,658 --> 00:06:22,659 Right, Berta? 157 00:06:22,726 --> 00:06:25,762 Huh? Yeah, sure, why not? 158 00:06:25,829 --> 00:06:28,799 Can I go upstairs and make your bed 159 00:06:28,865 --> 00:06:31,134 or are you guys just catchin' your breath and rinsin' off? 160 00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:34,004 No, it's fine. 161 00:06:34,070 --> 00:06:36,306 We're just gonna go for a walk on the beach. 162 00:06:36,372 --> 00:06:38,308 (laughs) Good one. 163 00:06:38,374 --> 00:06:40,143 Why is that funny? 164 00:06:40,210 --> 00:06:41,812 Last time this one was on the beach 165 00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:43,113 was 'cause he fell off the deck. 166 00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:48,118 It wasn't his fault. He was drunk. 167 00:06:49,486 --> 00:06:51,187 I'll go make your bed. 168 00:06:52,656 --> 00:06:55,058 She seems... nice. 169 00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:56,527 You think? 170 00:06:56,593 --> 00:06:58,595 'Cause she scares the crap outta me. 171 00:06:58,662 --> 00:07:00,631 Well, then why don't you get rid of her? 172 00:07:00,697 --> 00:07:03,366 Oh, no, no, no, no, I could never fire her. 173 00:07:03,433 --> 00:07:04,868 I love her to death. 174 00:07:04,935 --> 00:07:06,069 Interesting. 175 00:07:06,136 --> 00:07:09,439 So, you love her and yet she scares you? 176 00:07:09,506 --> 00:07:12,943 Little window into ol' Charlie, huh? 177 00:07:13,844 --> 00:07:16,947 More like a garage door. 178 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:21,284 * Men. 179 00:07:21,351 --> 00:07:23,687 Well, you've met my family, 180 00:07:23,754 --> 00:07:25,956 you know all about my past, 181 00:07:26,022 --> 00:07:29,893 my fondness for... things I'm fond of. 182 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:30,961 Uh-huh? 183 00:07:31,027 --> 00:07:34,197 So... why are you still here? 184 00:07:34,264 --> 00:07:36,533 Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist. 185 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,101 Nobody our age comes without baggage. 186 00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:40,771 Well, yeah, but some people might think 187 00:07:40,837 --> 00:07:43,974 that my baggage is... extra icky. 188 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,275 Extra icky? 189 00:07:45,341 --> 00:07:48,111 That's actually a quote from a former girlfriend. 190 00:07:48,178 --> 00:07:51,882 Well, I think that a mature relationship has got 191 00:07:51,948 --> 00:07:54,284 to be based on honesty about our flaws. 192 00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:55,385 You know my flaws. 193 00:07:55,451 --> 00:07:56,787 Openness about our past. 194 00:07:56,853 --> 00:07:58,221 You know my past. 195 00:07:58,288 --> 00:08:00,123 And a willingness to forgive. 196 00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:01,958 I forgive you. 197 00:08:02,025 --> 00:08:03,860 (chuckles) 198 00:08:03,927 --> 00:08:06,529 I really like you, Michelle. 199 00:08:06,597 --> 00:08:08,899 I really like you, too. 200 00:08:12,168 --> 00:08:13,169 ROSE: Hi, Charlie. 201 00:08:16,006 --> 00:08:19,610 There might be one more thing you should know about me. 202 00:08:21,244 --> 00:08:22,779 * Men. 203 00:08:25,148 --> 00:08:26,617 * Men. 204 00:08:26,683 --> 00:08:28,351 Rose, this is not a good time. 205 00:08:28,418 --> 00:08:29,953 I just want to talk to you. 206 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,722 I'm sorry, Michelle, this'll only take a minute. 207 00:08:31,788 --> 00:08:32,856 Do I know you? 208 00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:33,924 Nope. 209 00:08:33,990 --> 00:08:35,325 Seriously, Rose, not now. 210 00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:36,593 How do you know my na...? 211 00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:38,228 How does she know my name? 212 00:08:38,294 --> 00:08:39,696 Long story. Not really. 213 00:08:39,763 --> 00:08:41,564 Once you have a license plate number, 214 00:08:41,632 --> 00:08:42,799 the rest is cake. 215 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,568 Could you give us a minute? 216 00:08:45,636 --> 00:08:47,771 No, she's not goin' anywhere. 217 00:08:47,838 --> 00:08:49,139 Charlie, who is this woman? 218 00:08:49,205 --> 00:08:50,306 Just a friend. 219 00:08:50,373 --> 00:08:52,876 Oh, I'm more than a friend. We dated. 220 00:08:53,844 --> 00:08:56,579 Just once. Eight years ago. 221 00:08:56,647 --> 00:08:58,048 You haven't seen her in eight years? 222 00:08:58,114 --> 00:08:59,482 Well, no, no, no. Not exactly. 223 00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:01,151 We stay in touch. 224 00:09:01,217 --> 00:09:02,585 You stalk me. 225 00:09:02,653 --> 00:09:03,920 Oh, please. 226 00:09:03,987 --> 00:09:06,723 Does a stalker baby-sit his nephew? 227 00:09:06,790 --> 00:09:08,625 Does a stalker sleep with his brother? 228 00:09:08,692 --> 00:09:10,794 Does a stalker's dad sleep with his mother, 229 00:09:10,861 --> 00:09:13,529 who you met at lunch the other day at Terrace Gardens? 230 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,632 Have you been following me? 231 00:09:15,699 --> 00:09:18,034 Not you. 232 00:09:18,101 --> 00:09:19,836 Okay Charlie, I'm a little freaked out here. 233 00:09:19,903 --> 00:09:21,204 I'm going to go home. 234 00:09:21,271 --> 00:09:22,939 What? Why? 235 00:09:23,006 --> 00:09:24,941 Nice officially meeting you. 236 00:09:25,008 --> 00:09:26,743 Oh, come on, Michelle, don't go. 237 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:27,477 I'll get rid of her. 238 00:09:27,543 --> 00:09:28,645 No, no, no. No. 239 00:09:28,712 --> 00:09:30,747 Clearly, you have lots to talk about. 240 00:09:30,814 --> 00:09:32,182 But what about all that stuff you said? 241 00:09:32,248 --> 00:09:34,651 You know, baggage, willingness to forgive? 242 00:09:34,718 --> 00:09:36,119 Obviously, I was wrong. 243 00:09:36,186 --> 00:09:37,253 Michelle. 244 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,289 No, look. I could deal with your mother, 245 00:09:39,355 --> 00:09:41,257 your brother, your nephew, your housekeeper... 246 00:09:41,324 --> 00:09:43,694 Yeah, I know-- No, no, no. I'm not done. 247 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:44,728 Your drinking, your gambling, 248 00:09:44,795 --> 00:09:46,029 your womanizing, 249 00:09:46,096 --> 00:09:48,064 but I am not putting up with your stalker. 250 00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:51,668 Really? That's where you draw the line? 251 00:09:52,669 --> 00:09:54,705 Seems a little arbitrary. 252 00:09:54,771 --> 00:09:56,807 Good-bye, Charlie. 253 00:09:56,873 --> 00:09:58,074 (door closes) 254 00:09:58,141 --> 00:09:59,776 I like her. 255 00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:02,679 She's feisty. 256 00:10:02,746 --> 00:10:04,614 That's it, Rose. 257 00:10:04,681 --> 00:10:06,516 This is the last straw. 258 00:10:06,582 --> 00:10:07,583 Really? 259 00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,619 That's where you draw the line? 260 00:10:09,686 --> 00:10:11,487 I really care about this woman. 261 00:10:11,554 --> 00:10:12,355 I'm glad for you. 262 00:10:12,422 --> 00:10:13,790 No, you're not! 263 00:10:13,857 --> 00:10:15,491 You never are. You always do everything you can 264 00:10:15,558 --> 00:10:17,894 to come between me and any woman I'm serious about. 265 00:10:17,961 --> 00:10:20,030 Is that what you think I'm doing? 266 00:10:20,096 --> 00:10:22,799 Of course that's what I think you're doing; you just did it! 267 00:10:23,867 --> 00:10:25,668 You've been doing it for eight years, 268 00:10:25,736 --> 00:10:27,103 and I'm sick of it. 269 00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:29,272 Now, get out. 270 00:10:29,339 --> 00:10:31,241 Okay, but you should know that I didn't come over 271 00:10:31,307 --> 00:10:32,208 to ruin your date. 272 00:10:32,275 --> 00:10:33,777 Really? Why did you come over? 273 00:10:33,844 --> 00:10:35,946 To tell you that I'm getting married. 274 00:10:36,012 --> 00:10:38,915 I'm not marrying you, Rose. 275 00:10:41,651 --> 00:10:43,653 Not you, silly. 276 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,321 Manfred. 277 00:10:45,388 --> 00:10:46,589 Manfred? 278 00:10:46,656 --> 00:10:47,924 He's so wonderful. 279 00:10:47,991 --> 00:10:49,726 I can't wait for you to meet him. 280 00:10:49,793 --> 00:10:53,163 Uh-huh. Have you met him yet? 281 00:10:55,065 --> 00:10:56,833 You don't believe me? 282 00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:58,501 Well, of course I don't believe you. 283 00:10:58,568 --> 00:11:01,171 All you've ever done is manipulate and deceive me. 284 00:11:01,237 --> 00:11:03,106 Mm, fair point. 285 00:11:03,173 --> 00:11:04,841 But I am getting married next Sunday, 286 00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:06,576 and I just wanted to let you know 287 00:11:06,642 --> 00:11:07,878 before you heard it somewhere else. 288 00:11:07,944 --> 00:11:10,713 Where else would I hear it? 289 00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:14,017 Society page of The Crazy Bitch Gazette? 290 00:11:15,318 --> 00:11:17,153 Clearly, it was a mistake coming over. 291 00:11:17,220 --> 00:11:20,023 I had no idea the news would hit you this hard. 292 00:11:20,090 --> 00:11:22,525 Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm bowled over, 293 00:11:22,592 --> 00:11:25,661 I'm devastated, I can't imagine life without you. 294 00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:26,830 Good-bye. 295 00:11:26,897 --> 00:11:30,066 Last chance to kiss the bride. 296 00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:37,073 (knocking) 297 00:11:39,242 --> 00:11:40,576 What? 298 00:11:40,643 --> 00:11:44,147 I'm not sure how to get home from this side of the house. 299 00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:54,991 * Men. 300 00:11:55,058 --> 00:11:56,993 Hey, Michelle. It's me again. 301 00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,995 Sorry for all the messages. 302 00:11:59,062 --> 00:12:00,730 Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. 303 00:12:00,797 --> 00:12:02,298 (chuckles) 304 00:12:02,365 --> 00:12:03,800 Anyway, 305 00:12:03,867 --> 00:12:07,103 again, I am really sorry for all the craziness last night, 306 00:12:07,170 --> 00:12:10,206 but, like you pointed out, everybody's got baggage. 307 00:12:10,273 --> 00:12:12,142 Unfortunately, one piece of mine 308 00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:16,379 needs to be sedated and institutionalized. 309 00:12:16,446 --> 00:12:17,881 Okay, call me. 310 00:12:17,948 --> 00:12:20,016 Kisses. (blows kisses) 311 00:12:22,118 --> 00:12:24,487 Kisses? 312 00:12:24,554 --> 00:12:28,224 If I was any fruitier, I could open a Jamba Juice. 313 00:12:28,291 --> 00:12:29,826 Check it out. 314 00:12:29,893 --> 00:12:32,662 Rose's engagement announcement is in the paper. 315 00:12:32,728 --> 00:12:34,965 Manfred Quinn? 316 00:12:35,031 --> 00:12:37,667 Says he's an important figure in the fashion industry. 317 00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:39,535 Eh, I still don't buy it. 318 00:12:39,602 --> 00:12:42,839 What do you mean? It's right here in the paper. Oh, grow up. 319 00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:44,407 Do you have any idea how many times 320 00:12:44,474 --> 00:12:45,976 I had that paper print my obituary? 321 00:12:46,042 --> 00:12:47,810 Why would you do that? 322 00:12:47,878 --> 00:12:49,079 Lots of reasons. 323 00:12:49,145 --> 00:12:51,114 Gambling debts, angry husbands, 324 00:12:51,181 --> 00:12:53,649 sometimes just to get a little me time. 325 00:12:53,716 --> 00:12:56,887 Well, real or fake, I'm a little miffed I wasn't invited. 326 00:12:56,953 --> 00:13:00,957 How do you get invited to a fake wedding, Alan? 327 00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:03,759 With a fake invitation. 328 00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,695 Obviously. 329 00:13:05,761 --> 00:13:08,899 How come Rose only shows up when I'm in a good relationship? 330 00:13:08,965 --> 00:13:13,069 Where was she when I was dating the manic-depressive Satanist? 331 00:13:13,136 --> 00:13:15,872 Or that chick with all the knives? 332 00:13:15,939 --> 00:13:17,941 Don't forget the pre-op lifeguard. 333 00:13:18,008 --> 00:13:20,243 Post-op. She was post-op. 334 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:25,748 Really? Could've sworn I saw a bulge in that bikini bottom. 335 00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:27,817 The point is, it's like... 336 00:13:27,884 --> 00:13:30,153 it's like Rose has some kind of sixth sense 337 00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:32,455 where she knows when I'm about to be happy. 338 00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:35,691 It's not a sixth sense-- she follows you around and watches your every move. 339 00:13:35,758 --> 00:13:37,160 For all we know, the house is bugged 340 00:13:37,227 --> 00:13:38,828 and she's listening to us right now. 341 00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:41,531 Hi, Rose. 342 00:13:41,597 --> 00:13:42,798 Yeah, well, if she is... 343 00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,901 she overplayed her hand this time! 344 00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:48,271 And I'm not falling for this wedding crap! 345 00:13:48,338 --> 00:13:52,575 But just in case, shouldn't we get her a gift? 346 00:13:52,642 --> 00:13:54,144 What? 347 00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:55,912 (whispering): They're having a sale at Williams-Sonoma. 348 00:13:55,979 --> 00:13:58,381 You want to go halvsies on a silver pepper mill? 349 00:13:58,448 --> 00:14:01,217 No, I'm not going halvsies on a silver pepper mill! 350 00:14:01,284 --> 00:14:04,054 Okay, then... okay, how about a lovely ceramic 351 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:07,223 cow-shaped creamer, handmade by the Pennsylvania Dutch? 352 00:14:07,290 --> 00:14:09,759 No gifts. Why not? 353 00:14:09,825 --> 00:14:11,627 'Cause there's no wedding! 354 00:14:11,694 --> 00:14:13,463 There's no wedding! 355 00:14:14,965 --> 00:14:17,800 Well, you do what you want, Charlie Harper, 356 00:14:17,867 --> 00:14:21,337 but I, Alan Harper, am gonna get Rose something really nice! 357 00:14:21,404 --> 00:14:26,609 Ooh, a set of faux-walnut napkin rings, only $9.95. 358 00:14:26,676 --> 00:14:28,611 Add to cart. 359 00:14:30,713 --> 00:14:32,648 * Men. 360 00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:38,721 (sighs) 361 00:14:38,788 --> 00:14:40,090 Surprise! 362 00:14:40,156 --> 00:14:42,792 Not really-- you called, like, 11 times. 363 00:14:42,858 --> 00:14:44,995 These are for you. 364 00:14:45,061 --> 00:14:47,063 Thank you. 365 00:14:48,064 --> 00:14:49,932 It doesn't change anything. 366 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,434 Oh, come on, Michelle, 367 00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:54,170 I can't help it if some meaningless one-night stand 368 00:14:54,237 --> 00:14:56,639 from years ago is still obsessed with me. 369 00:14:56,706 --> 00:14:59,409 It's not about her, Charlie, it's about you. 370 00:14:59,475 --> 00:15:02,378 Okay, I can't help it if I'm so wonderful 371 00:15:02,445 --> 00:15:04,547 she's still obsessed with me. 372 00:15:04,614 --> 00:15:05,948 That's not what I meant. 373 00:15:06,016 --> 00:15:07,817 Yeah, I didn't think so. 374 00:15:07,883 --> 00:15:10,220 The fact that you still have a relationship with her 375 00:15:10,286 --> 00:15:13,289 after all this time tells me that you have real feelings for her. 376 00:15:13,356 --> 00:15:15,291 Okay, okay, maybe we have developed 377 00:15:15,358 --> 00:15:18,061 some sort of friendship, but that doesn't change the fact 378 00:15:18,128 --> 00:15:19,895 that on a very primal level 379 00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:21,564 the woman scares the hell out of me. 380 00:15:21,631 --> 00:15:23,133 Listen to yourself. 381 00:15:23,199 --> 00:15:25,001 That's exactly what you said about your housekeeper. 382 00:15:25,068 --> 00:15:26,669 You love her, but you're scared of her. 383 00:15:26,736 --> 00:15:28,104 And having met your mother, 384 00:15:28,171 --> 00:15:29,972 I'm betting you're scared of her, too. 385 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:34,044 Well, yeah, but I don't love her. 386 00:15:34,110 --> 00:15:35,545 Charlie... 387 00:15:35,611 --> 00:15:38,514 What are you trying to say, I'm in love with Rose? 388 00:15:38,581 --> 00:15:40,150 You tell me. 389 00:15:43,786 --> 00:15:45,521 Bye, Charlie. 390 00:15:52,095 --> 00:15:54,930 Okay, I do love Berta. 391 00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:58,101 I suppose I kind of love my mother. 392 00:15:58,168 --> 00:15:59,635 Aw, crap. 393 00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,606 * Men. 394 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,043 So, today's the big day, huh? 395 00:16:07,110 --> 00:16:08,944 What big day? 396 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,213 Rose's wedding. 397 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,782 Oh, please! There's no wedding. 398 00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:13,916 You sure about that? 399 00:16:13,983 --> 00:16:15,751 Yeah, I'm sure. 400 00:16:15,818 --> 00:16:16,852 But what if you're wrong? 401 00:16:16,919 --> 00:16:18,154 What do you mean? 402 00:16:18,221 --> 00:16:20,256 I mean, would it make a difference to you, 403 00:16:20,323 --> 00:16:21,657 knowing that cute little face 404 00:16:21,724 --> 00:16:24,094 will never pop up over that railing again? 405 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,196 That the one woman who's always loved you 406 00:16:26,262 --> 00:16:30,466 and been there for you is forever out of reach? 407 00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:32,235 Come on. 408 00:16:32,302 --> 00:16:33,969 Where are we going? To the church. 409 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,606 I'm gonna prove to you that she's not getting married. 410 00:16:36,672 --> 00:16:37,807 Okay. 411 00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,143 Aren't we a little underdressed? 412 00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:41,544 There's no wedding. 413 00:16:41,611 --> 00:16:44,314 Last chance to go halvsies on the napkin rings. 414 00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:46,349 There's no wedding. 415 00:16:46,416 --> 00:16:49,119 Only cost you 50 bucks. 416 00:16:49,185 --> 00:16:51,321 * Men. 417 00:16:55,258 --> 00:16:57,026 You see? No wedding. 418 00:16:57,093 --> 00:16:59,229 You got X-ray vision? 419 00:16:59,295 --> 00:17:02,165 (scoffs) Come on, I'll show you. 420 00:17:02,232 --> 00:17:05,168 Just a heads up-- if there's no wedding, 421 00:17:05,235 --> 00:17:08,271 you're getting napkin rings for Christmas. 422 00:17:09,205 --> 00:17:11,974 Go ahead, Alan, look. 423 00:17:12,041 --> 00:17:14,977 Tell me if you see a wedding. 424 00:17:15,044 --> 00:17:17,380 I see a wedding. 425 00:17:17,447 --> 00:17:19,215 What? 426 00:17:19,282 --> 00:17:21,751 MINISTER: ...two persons present now come to be joined. 427 00:17:21,817 --> 00:17:25,054 Rose and Manfred, we are here to remember... 428 00:17:25,121 --> 00:17:26,556 Oh, my God. 429 00:17:27,657 --> 00:17:29,058 She's really doing it. 430 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:30,960 Rose is getting married. 431 00:17:31,026 --> 00:17:32,528 It's not too late to stop it. 432 00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:35,030 (sighs) Don't be ridiculous. 433 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,233 It's way too late. 434 00:17:40,069 --> 00:17:44,106 Okay, $25 to split the gift-- and I'm losing money. 435 00:17:44,174 --> 00:17:46,142 ...why this man and this woman 436 00:17:46,209 --> 00:17:48,478 should not be joined in holy matrimony, 437 00:17:48,544 --> 00:17:53,183 let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 438 00:17:53,249 --> 00:17:55,518 And we're clear. 439 00:17:55,585 --> 00:17:58,020 Yep, that ought to do it. 440 00:17:58,087 --> 00:17:59,522 Thanks, Freddy. 441 00:17:59,589 --> 00:18:00,890 My pleasure. 442 00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,358 I guess. 443 00:18:10,566 --> 00:18:12,502 * Men. 444 00:18:15,238 --> 00:18:16,339 Unbelievable. 445 00:18:16,406 --> 00:18:18,841 Rose is actually married. 446 00:18:18,908 --> 00:18:21,511 (chuckles) Mrs. Manfred Quinn. 447 00:18:21,577 --> 00:18:23,813 (big sigh) 448 00:18:23,879 --> 00:18:25,748 I see it now. 449 00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:27,417 I love her. 450 00:18:27,483 --> 00:18:30,186 I've always loved her. 451 00:18:30,253 --> 00:18:32,021 I'm sorry. 452 00:18:32,087 --> 00:18:33,789 It's true what they say, Alan. 453 00:18:33,856 --> 00:18:36,726 You don't know what you got until it's gone. 454 00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:39,729 Well... you still got me. 455 00:18:39,795 --> 00:18:43,766 You're not who they had in mind when they said it. 456 00:18:45,801 --> 00:18:48,404 I'll always love you, Rose. 457 00:18:49,739 --> 00:18:51,207 (smacks lips) 458 00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:54,444 Mrs. Manny Quinn.