Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job.
First job?
I think you're looking at a birth of a career.
I was going to have him put up fliers,
but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
How much are you paying him?
Obviously, too much. Look at him.
For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Playboy?
Don't worry. I'll Magic-Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
(ice cream truck playing music)
I should've hired a monkey.
You mean a different monkey.
Well, it's not really a paycheck,
and he's not really earning it
and we don't call him...
I guess I got to give you Jughead.
I remember my first job.
Slaughterhouse.
Strippin' out sheep intestines for the condom companies.
Not as sexy as it sounds.
I was a fluffer in a pet salon.
You know, with a blow dryer.
Huh. I was going a completely different way.
What are you doing?
Thanks to Grandma,
I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
Hey, Alan, you got any cash?
Yeah. Why?
I need to borrow some.
What for?
What are you, my mother?
Just give me a few bucks, save me a trip to the ATM.
When will I get it back?
I don't know. Tomorrow.
Okay, how much do you need?
Just a couple hundred.
A couple hundred?
Who carries around that kind of money?
Well, let's see...
Strippers, bookies, prostitutes,
and not entirely coincidentally-- me.
Well, I've only got... 35, 36... $38.
That's it?
That's your walking around money?
It's the perfect amount in case I get mugged.
See, not so little that my attacker
will get angry and try and pistol-whip me,
yet not so much that I would feel obliged to fight for it
and possibly be shot while wrestling for the gun.
So you got $38.
Yep.
Just out of curiosity, how much money would it take
for you to wrestle a gun from a mugger?
Assuming a small- to medium- sized mugger, at least $40.
Fine, so, give me the $38.
All of it?
Why not? Then I've got nothing.
And you think $38 changes that?
What if I decide to go out and have some fun?
$38 worth of fun?
I wouldn't spend all of it.
Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun.
You never go out to have fun, because you know why?
You're not a fun guy.
Oh, I am very much a fun guy.
We just have different definitions of fun,
and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections
and dry heaving.
Just give me the money, ya big fruit.
$38...
If it had been $40, we'd be wrestling, my friend!
ALAN: Hey, Charlie?
You got my money?
Charlie!
I'm trying to sleep, Alan.
Yeah, well, I've got to go to work and you said
you'd have my money. Oh, for God's sake.
You don't even have to get up. Just tell me where it is.
Well, the last I saw any of it, it was sandwiched between
two of the loveliest man-made breasts
that ever smacked me in the eye.
Oh, Charlie, you say the sweetest things.
Oh, Ginger, this is my brother Alan.
Alan, Ginger.
Hi.
So bottom line, you don't have my money?
No.
The money you promised to pay back today?
The day hasn't even started yet.
It started for me.
That's only because
you're on Douchebag Savings Time.
Can we please talk about this
when one of us doesn't have a warm, firm buttock
nestled against his groin?
Oh, dear Lord.
So you'll get it by tonight?
I'm hopin' to get it as soon as you close the door.
Are you really out of cash?
Don't worry. I've got hooker money.
(plays piano): * When you're hungry at school
* You need to know
* Paste yes, boogers no.
Hey.
How was your day, darling?
Fine, except I had to pay for lunch
with my lucky Sacagawea dollar.
What kind of lunch can you get for a dollar?
Two gas station hot dogs that were a year old
if they were a day, thank you very much.
Is Sacagawea the same Indian chick
that's on the Land O'Lakes butter?
I don't know.
I hope so.
I'd like to believe it is.
Okay, Charlie, I'm leaving.
Hang on. Let me pay you.
Here you go.
Did you forget I paid for that pizza the other night?
Oh, right. How much was that?
Well, you got the garlic balls too, so, say... 75 bucks.
You got change for a hundred?
Nope.
Okay, you'll pay me back.
Count on it.
Wait, wait, wait, as long as you're doling it out,
you got my 40 bucks?
Oh, sure. You got change for a hundred?
Nope. Okay, I'll catch you later.
Wait...
How come Berta can pay you back and I can't?
Oh, grow up.
She's not gonna pay me back.
Okay, then, what about me?
What about you?
I want my $40.
I only borrowed $38.
Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Oh, you like round numbers, do you?
Yes, I like round numbers.
Okay, here's a round number for you.
Zero.
Nice, tight circular shape.
Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.
Sound familiar, Alan?
Are you calling me anal?
That's right. A-L-A-N, anal.
Okay, okay, okay.
So, so bottom line,
you're not gonna pay me back. Is that correct?
Well, truth be told,
I was gonna pay you back, but your attitude irks me.
I irk you?
That's right. I find you irksome.
You're a big, fat irk.
Hey, hey, you borrow $38, you owe me $38.
Yeah, well, you've been living
in my Malibu beach house for six years.
You owe me $1 million.
A million dollars?!
That's a one followed by six tight little sphincters.
(panting)
Wow. You look tired.
Yesterday, I had a quarter tank of gas.
Today, I drive a mile into Topanga Canyon
and bang, empty.
Huh.
There's no cell coverage up there,
so I had to hump all the way back down to the beach
to call Triple-A.
Oh, that's a shame.
Shame, my ass. How the hell
did a quarter tank of gas disappear overnight?
It's a mystery.
(sniffs)
Wait a minute...
I smell gasoline.
Really?
(sniffs)
I... I don't smell anything.
(sniffs)
You have gas on your breath.
You siphoned my tank.
Oh, please.
You think I stuck a rubber hose down your gas tank,
sucked on it until the gas ran out of your tank and into mine
thereby compensating me for the $38 you owe me?
That's preposterous.
Yeah...
Yeah, you're right.
What was I thinking?
What are you doing?
Do me a favor. Say...
"preposterous" again.
You're crazy!
Get that away from me!
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Just for grins say, "Help me. My head's on fire."
All right, all right, all right,
I sucked the gas out of your car!
Now turn it off!
Okay, fine. Well played.
You got your money back.
Um... actually...
at 473.9 cents a gallon,
you had only $13.22 worth in your tank,
so you still owe me $24.78.
Get out.
What?
Get out of my house.
You know what? I just might.
No, no, no, "might" implies you have a choice.
Oh, so you're going to throw me out over $24.78?
No, I'm throwing you out
because you're a cheap, gas-sucking, flammable irk!
I am not cheap.
Leaving.
Ow, ow, ow!
These things just happen.
I don't know. They seem to happen to you a lot.
(knocking)
Oh, hey, guys.
What are you doing here?
Dad pissed off Uncle Charlie again.
Sorry to show up unannounced like this.
No problem.
It's always good to see you.
JUDITH: He got kicked out again?!
Damn it, Alan. What'd you do now?
I didn't do anything.
But I'm not going to be staying at Charlie's anymore,
so I thought I should bring Jake's stuff back here
until I find a place of my own.
Fine. Good luck.
But it's nobody's fault.
I just think it's time for me to move on.
Okay. Good night.
But FYI: Charlie's a thief, a liar
and I suspect something of a firebug.
Really? Hmm, he struck me as a straight shooter.
Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies,
but all in all, a good fella.
In what universe is Charlie Harper a good fella?
Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do,
so I'll just shut my piehole.
Uh, anyway, here's the rest of Jake's stuff.
I'll get you my new address
as soon as I have one.
You do that.
So, where are you gonna stay till then?
Piehole, Herb.
Oh, I don't know.
Things are a little tight right now,
so a hotel isn't really an option.
Maybe the Y for a couple of days, you know,
but we'll see.
I could sleep in my office or... in the car.
Oh, well, you can't do that.
Piehole, piehole, piehole!
Come on, Judith, you can't expect
a man to sleep in his car.
You're good people. Just let me just get a few things.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
He's not the kind of guy who'll overstay his welcome.
He's been at his brother's for six years.
Uh, Herb, would you mind
giving me a hand with the NordicTrack?
Oh, sure.
Love you.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, Charlie.
Oh, hey, Herb, what's up?
I came to pick up some stuff for Alan.
For Alan?
Yeah, he's staying with Judith and I
till he gets back on his feet.
Gee, Herb, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but I've been waiting six years for that khaki-wearing weasel
to get on his feet.
Judith mentioned that...
using a lot of the same words, interestingly enough.
Anyway, he wanted to avoid having a scene with you,
so he asked if I'd pick up some of his stuff.
And you agreed?
I had to get out of there, Charlie.
Okay, okay, fine.
What do you need?
Quite a few things, actually.
He gave me a list.
Well, let him stay in there long enough,
he'll give you a bleeding ulcer.
Yeah, Judith said that, too.
Anyway, uh, melatonin, a mouth guard.
I guess he grinds his teeth at night.
I myself have restless legs syndrome.
But just the left leg.
Right leg sleeps like a baby.
What else, Herb?
Well, I also got apnea and I tend to drool a lot.
The list, Herb.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let's see, shower cap, loofa mitt
and some kind of little stool
that elevates his feet while he's sitting on the toilet.
What?
Yeah, apparently when
the morning coffee doesn't do the job,
having his feet up gives him that extra leverage
for a successful bowel movement.
You're kidding?
No. Look.
"For a successful BM."
That would mean "bowel movement."
Okay, fine. Guest bedroom's right down there.
Oh.
Hey, I just made
a pitcher of margaritas. You want one?
Oh, gee, I'll have to pass.
Judith's waiting for me to get back,
and she gets really steamed...
Salt or no salt?
Salt. Okay. You got it.
(TV show playing)
This is so weird.
It's just for a couple days, Jake.
Don't make a federal case.
You know this is probably gonna affect my schoolwork.
How? It's not like your grades could get any lower.
That's good, Alan. Undermine his self-esteem.
You see what I have to live with on weekends?
Nobody's talking to you.
Where's he gonna sleep?
I'm not a "he." I'm your father.
How'd you get to be my father if you're not a "he"?
Go make up the couch.
What about the guest room?
That's not a guest room anymore.
It's Herb's train room.
His what?
He's a model train aficionado.
Aficionado?
He works hard. He deserves a hobby.
Sometimes he lets me wear the hat.
I begged you for years
to let me turn that into a game room.
Bumper pool, ping-pong, something.
Oh, this is different. How?
Herb can play with his trains alone.
I'm sure he does plenty of stuff in there alone.
Excuse me?
Nothing.
(quietly): I got it.
This is so beautiful.
Yep.
Can I confess something, Charlie?
What's that?
I sometimes wonder about the road not taken.
Which road is that?
Your road, Charlie.
Oh. It's a good road, Herb.
So it's not a matter of the grass always seems greener?
No, no. No, the grass is pretty frickin' green over here.
Damn!
(ringtones playing)
Oops. It's me.
I hope so.
It's the road taken.
You're not gonna answer it?
Nah. Judith will just harsh my mellow.
Yeah, she's a mellow-harsher.
But I love her.
That's nice.
You know, in the boudoir, we're very simpatico.
Glad to hear it.
On top of everything else,
she actually let me put my train set in her back room.
Whoo-whoo.
(moans)
Damn cran-apple juice.
I should start wearing a diaper.
(urinating)
(breaks wind)
(urinating continues)
(intermittent urinating)
(toilet flushes)
It's about time you got home.
Mm...
Is that an apology I'm feeling?
Mm...
Oopsy.
(pounding)
Where's my husband?
Sleeping on the deck.
What? Why?
He's drunk.
Herb's not a drinker.
No argument there.
All right, here's how it's gonna go:
I am taking him home with me
and you're taking back your brother.
How 'bout this?
You and Alan patch things up and I keep Stretch out there.
I'm kinda fond of the big lug.
Charlie, I'm in no mood.
Not what I heard.
What?
Whoo-whoo!
I don't have time for this. Alan, get in here!
No!
Do not make me come get you!
Now...
apologize to your brother.
Do it!
I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of everything.
And?
(sighs) And you can keep the $24.78.
This was all about $24?
Plus he tried to set me on fire!
After you sucked my gas!
Hey, baby, when did you arrive on the scene?
Just get in the car.
(whispering): Look, poop stool.
Um... I'm gonna need that.
You can pop a blood vessel if you push too hard.
Words to live by.
Herb, car!
Bye, Charlie. Bye, Herb.
Bye, all. Bye, Herb.
This was fun. Let's do it again.
Now!
Kinda like old times, huh?
Judith kicking me out and you taking me in.
You are taking me in, aren't you?
Give me one good reason why I should.
Uh, well...
we're... we're family...
um... brothers.
We share blood and, and, and history.
We have a bond that unites us forever.
Nah. What else you got?
Okay. Uh...
what about my French toast?
You like that.
You know,
thick and fluffy with cinnamon and powdered sugar.
Mm...!
All right, you can stay.
Really?
No.
(flustered chuckle): Ha-ha!
Very funny.
Charlie?
(keys jingle)
(thudding at door)
You changed the locks?
I was only gone for six hours!
Charlie?!
(thunder rumbles)
Oh, crap.
Here you go. Black, two sugars.
Double glazed.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
I can't believe Grandma fired me.
Well, the labor market's very competitive these days.
There's always somebody brighter and better
and willing to work for less.