-â™ª I'll have a blue â™ª -(women cackling)
â™ª Christmas â™ª
â™ª Without you â™ª
â™ª I'll be so blue â™ª
â™ª Just thinking â™ª
-â™ª About you... â™ª -(both panting)
We are fucked.
-Very, very fucked. -Mmm. We'll be walking like cowboys
for a week. That's how fucked we are.
We're so fucked, fucked people will point at us and say,
"At least we're not as fucked as those fucking fucks."
(laughs)
-What the hell happened? -I don't know.
-We had a plan. -A good plan.
-You had a tight ten. -Yes, I know.
-You were gonna start with the... -And then I'd,
-with the kid thing... -And then your...
-those people that had you... -My parents.
-Yeah, the thing with their... -That was so funny.
Ugh. Nice, tight ten.
An airtight ten.
â™ª That's when those blue... â™ª
Hey, the glass is empty.
Just depends on how you look at it.
I'm looking at it with my eyes. It's fucking empty.
Hey! My friend's glass is empty.
Fuckin' empty.
Make it full. We had a hard night.
-Hey, we're fucked. -BARTENDER: Eh, keep your shirt on.
Hi, Susie. New hat?
I don't have any money, Tracy.
Rats. Hey, I saw you.
-Saw me what? -I saw you tonight. Wow, wild.
Do you mind, Tracy? We're having a funeral here.
Relax, Susie. I just wanted to say I dug you.
Truly.
Thank you.
Susie, you got five bucks?
No. What did I tell you? I got nothing.
As of tonight, I got nothing,
I have nowhere to go, and no one to be.
Okay. What about you?
She's a loser, too. Beat it.
Glad you enjoyed the show.
Last one.
Yeah, just try it.
"You're dead in this business."
It plays over and over in my head.
-Maybe he didn't mean it. -Mmm. He meant it.
He bared his teeth. I didn't even know he still had teeth.
-Could've been false teeth. -They looked real.
Aw, shit, we were so close.
I'm sorry.
"Fuck you, Sophie, put that on your plate."
It's brilliant.
â™ª You'll be doin' all right... â™ª
It was funny, right?
Yeah. It was really funny.
â™ª Christmas of white â™ª
And no one needs a good laugh
like the truly, deeply fucked.
â™ª Blue, blue, blue Christmas â™ª
â™ª Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. â™ª
(snoring)
Get up.
-Oh, boy. -I just had a thrilling conversation
with that strange person
who can't figure out what her name is.
Make a new friend. I'm tired of this one.
(sighs)
Miriam!
Coming.
Breakfast is being served in the dining room
-when you're done with your call. -Okay.
Hold on.
Your fault.
-What's my fault? -Too much drinking.
Too much drinking was because of you, missy.
-I don't feel good. -Ugh. I had to sleep on a diagonal,
'cause the vertical made me want to throw up.
-Don't throw up. -I might throw up.
-You can't throw up. -I'll probably throw up.
If I hear you throw up, I'm gonna throw up,
and I don't want to throw up, so close the door.
-Close what door? -The bathroom door.
-I don't have a bathroom door. -Then you can't throw up.
-I'm not gonna throw up. -Good.
Although you might when you hear this.
-Hear what? -Well, apparently,
there were some members of the press there last night.
-No... -And a few of them caught your act and thought...
-No... -"A career suicide set takes down an icon.
"Newcomer Amanda Gleason, don't bother learning the name,
"mysteriously decides to skewer an American treasure,
"Sophie Lennon, last night at the Gaslight Cafe."
Who invited them?
-I did. -Why?
'Cause I had no idea it was seppuku night at the Gaslight.
"In a vicious, often hilarious,
"career-ending ten minutes, you wonder,
did Lennon steal Gleason's boyfriend?" The Daily News.
Well, he said "hilarious."
Did you hear all the other words around "hilarious"?
-I did, but still... -The Post.
"Put that on your plate."
-So? -So, underneath, there's a picture
of your head on a plate and there's a fork in your head.
-My picture? -Well, it's fuzzy, but they put the words
"Amanda Gleason's head"
underneath to help with any confusion.
Did they say I was funny?
Are you at all getting the theme here?
-Yes, but... -The Mirror. "The tradition of honor
"amongst thieves was tossed out the window last night
"by Amanda Gleason, whose ridiculously bland name
"is in direct contrast with the comedienne's crass,
crude, sharp-witted attack of homespun hero Sophie Lennon."
Okay, but they did say I was...
"It reminds you of the power
of words to build up and destroy."
"Hope she has a lawyer.
I sense a slander charge in her stocking for Christmas."
I'm Jewish, shmuck.
Yeah.
There's a lot of Gleasons in the ghetto.
What do we do now?
(sighs) Well...
we still have those two shit gigs I got you
before this mess happened.
So, you do those gigs.
If you do well, you'll get two more shit gigs.
And then those two shit gigs become four shit gigs.
And then four shit gigs become six shit gigs.
(gagging): And then...
Susie?
Susie? Are you there?
(sighs) Sorry. I had to throw up.
-Where was I? -Four shit gigs became six shit gigs.
Yes. Eventually, people will forget what happened,
-and we'll rebuild. -Okay, I have to go.
I have my son's birthday party today.
Ah, see, you already got another shit gig.
-Bye. -Mm.
(sighs)
â™ª â™ª
NEWSCASTER: There have been major internal discussions
in nine additional countries outside the Iron Curtain.
Now, how do they go about applying this political message?
That it embraces many different aspects
of our day-to-day living.
-(news broadcast continues) -(Midge sighs)
(woman singing in foreign language over radio)
(woman singing loudly)
...I would like to say this: confidence, by itself...
Morning, Papa.
Mm-hmm.
Victory in this conflict depends on much, much more...
Morning, Mama.
There's eggs. We leave at noon.
(woman continues singing loudly on radio)
This was all different yesterday, right?
-Hmm? -Never mind.
And so's your mother.
I'm sorry, I just, I just don't find you funny.
I did it just like you told me.
It's not the same.
Well, if you didn't have Randy laying on your lap,
you could stop comparing us
-and move on. -(children laugh)
(chuckles) So, I was thinking that
Ethan and Estelle could get married at the boathouse
in Central Park.
Oh, Imogene, we need to
-get you in a bowling league. -Hi, Joel.
Are you psychologically scarring our children?
I am.
But, since they're going to get married,
they will have suffered the same trauma
and will understand each other's nightmares completely.
My God, this party is loud.
Thank you for talking Imogene into having it here
instead of our house.
My pleasure, Archie.
Oop, need a refill.
So, I gather Ethan and Estelle are still getting married.
At the Central Park Boathouse.
-(Estelle screams) -Geez.
That was Estelle. She's not hurt.
That's not the hurt scream. She lost a doll.
-(Estelle screams) -No. Someone took the doll.
-Someone took the doll? -Find the doll. Find the doll.
Imogene is amazing.
Esther screams while I'm holding her,
I'm still wondering where it's coming from.
-So, what's going on here? -Where?
The great mac and cheese massacre of 1958.
-I'm hungry. -That's for the kids.
I made it in a rush. This is quality control.
This is hangover eating.
Where'd you go last night?
None of your business.
I'll withdraw the question.
Hey, Joel, I'd like to talk to you about something.
Away from people.
If you get a chance.
Well, other than planning my son's bachelor party,
I'm pretty free.
Good.
Eat some of this so people won't look at me weird.
(bell rings)
(festive music playing)
Hey.
Hair of the dog?
Okay.
I mean, I'm not hungover,
but it is a party.
Sure.
One more.
'Cause you're festive.
Exactly.
(clears throat)
So, what did you want to talk about?
I was wondering if...
it might be time to start talking about getting a divorce.
Uh-huh.
What do you think?
Wow. Fast.
I know. We can wait if you want.
It just seems as if maybe it's time
to start getting on with our lives.
Plus, the kids need to get used to a new arrangement.
We need to make it normal for them.
Well, I think I will do whatever you think is right.
Okay.
Then I think it's time.
Just so you know, I'm doing really well at work.
-I know. -I'm up for a big promotion.
-I know. -I'm gonna get it,
and it's gonna mean more money.
-Okay. -And my father had nothing to do with it.
He'd probably be against it
since it would mean I'd be traveling a lot.
You would? How much?
But it would also mean that
I could take care of everything.
How much would you be traveling, Joel?
I could take care of you, of the kids.
You won't have to worry.
I promise, I got you covered.
(children laughing)
He still out?
Are you kidding? He's been out since cake.
The Maisel men and their sleep.
Please. During the war,
my father fell asleep in a foxhole
and when he woke up, it was a beer garden.
Sounds like Moishe.
The oom-pah band is what finally woke him up.
(Midge chuckles)
(Esther cries)
MIDGE (whispers): Need some help?
JOEL (whispers): Nope. I got it.
Thanks.
(piano tune plays over radio)
So, Ollie the elephant is out, huh?
Yep. It happened last week.
Friday morning Ollie was in, then by dinnertime,
suddenly it was Louis the lion.
Not sure what happened.
Wow.
Sorry, pal. Life is cold.
Do you remember when we bought that for him?
I believe it was to stop a whole lot of screaming.
-Smallpox vaccination. -Yeah.
He was never gonna be bought off by a lollipop alone.
What are you doing?
I'm eating.
I can see.
Should I be timing you?
There might be a prize in it or something.
I'm just so hungry.
That from the party?
I made an extra tray.
I should never cook while hungover.
-Do you want some? -Uh...
Are Abe and Rose gonna be home any time soon?
Papa's at a work gathering, Mama's with the garden club.
Nights are very quiet and very separate recently.
Come on. Sit.
Okay.
There any beer in the fridge?
Look in the back.
Mama doesn't like to look at beer.
It makes her think of venereal disease.
(Joel chuckles)
The party seemed successful.
Only one kid shoved an acorn up his nose.
Mendel?
-Yep. -Well,
when you got a talent...
Mm.
I noticed the new dining room.
Yep.
You were not kidding.
I hope this thing works itself out soon.
I hate to see my parents like this.
It will.
They'll realize it's a mistake to be apart.
They will realize that they belong together,
and they'll fix it before it's too late.
Abe and Rose are very smart.
MAN (singing on radio): â™ª Without you, love... â™ª
Can I ask you something?
You can ask me anything.
Why are you still wearing your wedding ring?
-I'm still married. -You were living with Penny.
No, I'm not with Penny. That's over.
Well, you were.
I never saw you without the ring.
I never thought about taking it off.
Never even occurred to me.
That doesn't make sense.
Yeah. Nothing I've done has made any sense.
This is better cold, by the way.
Finish that. I'll get another.
â™ª â™ª
â™ª I'm not the guy who cared about love... â™ª
Joel, wait, I-I don't, I don't think...
Please... don't think, Midge.
â™ª Who cared about fortunes and such â™ª
-Please. -â™ª I never cared much â™ª
â™ª Oh, look at me now â™ª
â™ª â™ª
â™ª I never knew the technique of kissing â™ª
â™ª I never knew the thrill I could get from your touch â™ª
â™ª Never knew much â™ª
â™ª Oh, look at me now â™ª
â™ª â™ª
â™ª I'm a new man, better than â™ª
â™ª Casanova at his best â™ª
(music muted through closed door)
â™ª With a new heart, a brand-new start â™ª
â™ª I'm so proud I'm bustin' my vest â™ª
â™ª So I'm the guy who turned out a lover â™ª
â™ª So I'm the guy who laughed â™ª
â™ª At those blue diamond rings... â™ª
Mm... Look, Joel, there's something I have to tell you.
-No. I don't care. -You don't know what it is.
-I don't care what it is. -But it's...
If it's bad, I deserve it.
I had it coming. It doesn't matter.
Just let me kiss you again.
This is really important.
Okay.
The whole time that we were together--
and I mean dating and married--
â™ª Oh, look at me now â™ª
I'd unhook every other hook on my bra before we had sex.
-You what? -Before we'd have sex,
I'd go into the bathroom and I'd unhook
every other hook on my bra.
A-And I didn't know tonight was gonna happen,
so I-I didn't have a chance to do that.
-Are you serious? -Yes.
-You would unhook your own bra? -Partly.
Just to give you a head start.
-What did you think was gonna happen? -What?
If I had to unhook the whole thing all by myself.
What'd you think was gonna happen?
You think I was gonna get bored?
I don't know.
You think halfway through I'd lose interest
and go make a sandwich?
-Maybe. -(laughs)
-You believe this? -I just wanted
to make things easy for you.
Yeah, well, some things are worth
working a little harder for.
â™ª So I'm the guy that turned out a lover â™ª
â™ª Yes, I'm the guy â™ª
â™ª Who laughed at those blue diamond rings... â™ª
Wow, you weren't kidding about this thing.
â™ª Oh, look at me now... â™ª
Who the hell designed this, the Catholic Church?
â™ª Look at me now. â™ª
JOEL: Ha! A conqueror!
(Midge laughing)
How long before the marks go away?
They'll be gone by morning.
Just in time to put the thing back on again.
It's a vicious circle.
Does it hurt?
Not once your ribs go numb.
(chuckles)
I don't know why I never noticed the marks before.
I'd powder them so they weren't as red.
Of course you did.
You know...
the last time we were in this bed...
Mm-hmm?
...was the week before our wedding.
That's right.
I remember laying here thinking,
"In one week, I'll be married to Miriam Weissman,
"the most beautiful girl in the world.
"And I'll have a wife, and we'll have our own home,
"and we'll have two kids,
"and I'll never, ever have to have sex
in front of the Dionne quintuplets again."
Best-laid plans.
And now here we are.
You're back in your parents' house,
I'm back in mine.
Very strange.
-I've got a curfew. -You're kidding.
-And chores. -Wow.
I have a job.
I heard about the job.
Saving up for a TV set
and some roller skates.
Well, I got some roller skates.
They have Buck Rogers on them.
Redd Foxx? What's this?
That's called a party album.
Sort of underground comedy.
Why underground?
I don't know. They're dirty,
but really funny.
"The Music Inn"?
That's the place I got 'em.
On 4th. Right near the Gaslight.
-You'd love it. -Hanging out
at record stores in the Village,
working in a department store...
Went to a protest in Washington Square Park.
Do you know they want to put a road
right through the middle of the arch?
-What for? -I don't know.
Progress.
Progress? Right.
Progress.
Things move on, I guess.
How did I screw everything up so badly?
I never said I'm sorry, did I?
I don't know. Maybe.
I should have come back on my knees that night.
Bought you flowers.
I should have...
Never should have left in the first place.
You just have to understand...
you are a lot, Midge.
A lot of what?
You meet a girl.
Maybe she's pretty,
maybe she's smart,
maybe she's funny.
Maybe your parents like her.
Maybe you get really lucky,
and she's one or two of those things.
I got 'em all.
That's a lot.
It wasn't enough, though.
It was.
It was more than enough.
I fell in love with you
the moment I asked you out, and you said no.
A pointless "no."
The first time I laid eyes on you,
that was it for me.
Until you left.
I never left.
I don't know what I did, but...
I never really left.
Sure felt like you left.
What can I do, Midge?
What can I do to...
I love you.
Do you know that?
Do you know that I love you?
So, what happens now?
What do you want to happen?
Because whatever it is, I will do it.
Just tell me what you want.
(whispers): I want your roller skates.
(chuckles)
(bicycle bell jingles)
(milk bottles clinking)
(loud thud in kitchen)
-Oh, no. -What?
Shh. We fell asleep.
We weren't supposed to fall asleep.
-I was... -Shh.
That sounds like eggs.
Does that sound like eggs?
-It... -Shh.
ROSE: Morning, Zelda.
ZELDA: I'm making eggs, Mrs. Weissman.
See? Shit! Eggs. Shit!
-Midge... -We fell asleep.
I can't believe we fell asleep in my room.
-So what? -There are poodles in here, Joel.
Dozens of 'em.
We've had sex in your room before, Midge.
Not since we've been married.
Well, you got me there.
You have to go.
Wait. What... What are you doing?
I... this is not the way to make me go,
in case there was a question.
Get your clothes.
(chuckling)
You get your clothes, you leave,
they'll never know.
Oh, to have a camera right now.
-Get dressed. -Midge, I...
-You have to get dressed. -But I...
You get dressed and climb out the window,
just like you used to.
Yes, good, climb out the window,
go from the fire escape to the roof,
and take the freight elevator back down.
Will you stop? Will you just...
You should try out for the Yankees.
MIDGE: Shoes, belt, socks.
Where are your socks? Where are your socks?
What'd you do with your socks?
Oh, they're in your shoes.
At some point last night you stopped to put your socks
-in your shoes? -I didn't, I...
Why are you slow? Were you always this slow?
I haven't panic-dressed in a while.
Go! You can finish outside.
Okay, okay, calm down. I'm going.
Oh, wait.
I think I left my wallet in the kitchen.
-Let me just, uh... -This isn't funny.
ROSE: Miriam? Are you up?
If not, get up.
I'm up. I'll be right there.
-Joel, please, just... -I'm going.
Geez, it's freezing.
This window seemed bigger five years ago.
ROSE: No, no cheese.
No cheese from now on, ever.
-(whispering): Hey. -What?
Did you always look like this in the morning?
You got to go.
Morning, Mama. Morning, Zelda.
My goodness, the coffee smells especially amazing today.
You know those days when coffee just smells extra amazing?
Yes, those are wonderful days. What are you wearing?
This is a robe.
Yes. I stand by my previous statement.
Your face is a mess. Your hair is a mess.
So it's a theme. No, I just, I-I had...
I had a dream I was on a safari,
and there was no place for me to get my hair done.
And all my bags got lost,
and a lion chased me and ate my purse.
And when I woke up, I looked like this.
So, that is the last time that I... dream.
My room's a mess.
Wouldn't want you to dock my allowance.
Good morning, Papa.
Want to hear about my safari dream?
It's the reason I look like this.
Like what?
Coffee sure smells good, huh?
-Smells like coffee. -Mm.
Good morning, Zelda.
Good morning, Mr. Weissman.
-Good morning, Ro... -I'll take my breakfast
in the dining room, Zelda.
Will you be joining Mrs. Weissman?
In the dining room?
No, I won't.
Bye, Papa.
(knife clatters)
What?
The coffee smells very good this morning.
(laughs softly)
DON: "Belter Chemical Company
"of Pasadena, California
specializes in Bakelite production."
Got to speak up, Donny.
"But their profits have seen a steady decline
"ever since the war ended.
"Not only is there no need
-for pilot goggles..." -Yada, yada, yada.
You got to pace it up. You're boring the shit out of me.
-Archie? -Hmm, what? Is Donny still talking?
-Screw you, Archie. -JOEL: Okay.
Let's say Donny finishes and everyone's still conscious.
-Thank you, thank you very much. -You'll step in
with the Belter profit and loss records.
Play up the bad, which means...
We swoop in with a lowball offer that they will jump at!
Hear that, Donny? It's called having a pulse.
I'm being ganged up on here, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Play nice, boys.
Archie finishes, then I'll bring it home.
There will be lots of figures, lots of fireworks.
I'll throw around words like "phenolic resins."
-Oh! -Oh! -Catalin, Faturan and Crystalate...
I hear they're headlining at the Apollo next week.
-Then I'll point to charts! -Charts! -Charts!
-And graphs! -Graphs! -Graphs!
I'll dazzle them with bullshit,
and then we'll hand out some very nice color-coded binders,
and as they all start to read,
I'll sum up the presentation with the words,
"The future is ours. And we will take it!"
-(cheering) -Well.
We're ready, men.
-Get a shave, press your suits. -Oh.
I don't think Don should wear his grey suit.
It makes him look tubby.
Et tu, Mrs. Moskowitz?
JOEL: You heard her, Donny.
-You're tubby in the grey. -ARCHIE: Boy,
are you in a good mood.
(chuckling): He's been in a good mood all day.
Something making you extra happy?
Something you can share? Or pour?
-Well, I wasn't gonna say anything. -ARCHIE: About what?
It's not a done deal yet, but it looks like maybe Midge and I
-might give it another go. -DON: You're kidding.
Oh, thank God. Thank you, God.
-Easy, boy. -You don't understand.
You have no idea what it's been like with Imogene
since the two of you split. She's gone crazy.
Wasn't that long a trip, pal. I got news for you.
She's obsessed with my every move.
Where have I been, what am I doing?
I spilled ketchup on my shirt one day,
and she goes over to my secretary's apartment
and compares all her lipstick color to the stain.
-Ooh! -Can I tell her about Midge?
(laughs): Please, let me tell her.
Not just yet, but soon.
In the meantime, after work tonight, drinks are on me.
-(laughs) -Oh! -You, too, Mrs. Moskowitz!
(chuckles) I can't wait to meet Mrs. Maisel.
I bet she's a pretty wonderful girl.
Oh, she is, Mrs. Moskowitz.
-She is at that. -(chuckles)
(muttering)
No.
Hey, what's funnier, corned beef or pastrami?
Pastrami.
(quietly): "Pastrami..."
That is funnier.
Thank you!
(laughs)
â™ª Dashing through the snow â™ª
â™ª In a one-horse open sleigh... â™ª
MARY: I think maybe he could be the one.
He doesn't have to be the one.
He could just be the one right now.
Where is he taking you?
-The movies. -So lucky.
What's your evening, Viv?
I'm going to church with my family.
The choir's great and the priest looks just like David Niven.
-Oh, dear. -(laughter)
(gasps) It's snowing.
I love the snow.
Don't you love the snow?
I do love the snow.
I think the snow is good luck.
Depends on how far you have to walk.
My wedding had a Russian winter wonderland theme.
You know, like Doctor Zhivago.
You had a medical themed wedding? That's really weird.
Doctor Zhivago is a book. Don't make us look stupid.
Everything was white, and there were trees painted
like they were covered with snow.
It was really, really beautiful.
What are you doing tonight, Midge?
-Oh, I have plans. -Hmm.
Is it something wonderful?
It is. It is something wonderful.
That's good. Because tonight,
everyone should do something wonderful.
(laughter)
-Bye, Midge. -Bye.
Ho, ho, ho.
BOY: Look, it's Santa.
â™ª Take the boys along â™ª
â™ª And sing this sleighing song â™ª
â™ª Just get a bobtailed bay â™ª
â™ª 240 as his speed â™ª
â™ª Hitch him to an open sleigh â™ª
â™ª And crack, you'll take the lead, oh... â™ª
Four sailors stuck licking the lamp post.
You got to hit "licking." I keep telling you,
it's not funny unless you hit "licking."
Right. Licking the lamp post.
Licking the lamp post.
Jesus, how long are we gonna be sitting here?
You're supposed to go on at 8:00.
When you said "shit gig," this is exactly what I pictured.
Yeah, this place is pretty much the worst.
Now, remember, the audience out there will be terrible.
All right? They're gonna be drunk,
horny and in no mood to laugh.
There's pretty much no chance you're gonna win them over,
even if you do show them your tits,
'cause there's a lot of tits to look at in here.
I'm sorry, was that the end of the pep talk?
Just keep going.
No matter what they toss at you, keep going.
-Okay. -Duck, you know, but keep going.
-So, Susie. -Yes?
I'm gonna tell you something.
-Okay. -I'm just gonna say it, because I want you to hear it,
and after I say it and after you hear it,
we are not gonna discuss it again.
I just want you to hear it,
because we are in business together,
and we spend time together
and it could come up occasionally.
And I don't want to keep anything from you.
But I don't want you to be surprised
-if I accidentally... -What is this?
The lost Hamlet monologue?
Just say it, for Christ's sake.
I spent the night with Joel.
After Ethan's party, he spent the night.
And we... spent the night.
So there.
I told you. You know it.
We are not gonna talk about it again.
Who's Joel?
My husband.
You slept with your husband?
He was such an asshole.
We are not gonna talk about it.
Are you getting back together with him?
I just thought I should tell you in case it came up...
In case what?
We are not gonna talk about it.
-You are, aren't you? -Not talking about it.
-But... -Not talking about.
-MAN: Susie Myerson! -Yeah.
We'll continue not talking about it when I get back.
You slept with your husband?
Yes.
Aren't you supposed to sleep with your husband? I'm confused.
Well, we've been separated for a while,
so it was, it was a little unexpected.
Well, your boyfriend took it pretty well, considering.
Oh, Susie's not my boyfriend.
She's my manager.
Strippers got managers now?
I-I'm not a stripper.
What are you?
I'm a comic.
Ooh, tough way to make a living.
(laughter)
Get your coat.
Why?
-Just get it. Let's go. -Susie.
They canceled us, okay? You happy?
What are you talking about, "canceled"?
They just told me, they got someone else
for your spot tonight.
Why?
Why do you think?
Harry fucking Drake.
Are you kidding? How did he even know
about this stupid gig?
-Oh, I told him. -Why?
'Cause I'm the world's biggest idiot.
And you can bet if he cost us this loser gig,
he's probably gonna cost us the other loser gig, also.
Well, they're blackballing Amanda Gleason, not me.
I-I could change my name to Trudy Macintosh.
Well, he knows my name, Trudy.
And they're not dealing with me, and I'm your manager. Right?
Yes. Of course.
Right?
Yes. Susie, please. We're a team.
Okay.
So what do we do now?
I don't know.
Shit, shit, shit.
(quietly): Cunt.
It's a good thing you don't have a career anymore,
'cause that loser husband of yours
would never have let you do this anyway.
I'll fly out of here, like a bird.
Like a bird, like a bird.
I'll run out of here, like a deer.
Like a deer, like a deer.
MAN: I'll swim out of here, like a fish.
-WOMEN: Like a fish, like a fish. -Back table.
MAN: I'll climb out of here, like an ape.
-What's he doing here? -Fuck if I'm gonna ask.
MAN: I'll slink out of here, like a snake.
WOMEN: Like a snake, like a snake.
-Hey boss, nice to... -Who the hell is Amanda Gleason?
-Why? -Word is she's persona non grata.
Harry Drake himself made the call.
The last time I talked to Harry Drake was ten years ago,
when the same whore gave us both the clap.
-That's a nice story. -He's saying
Amanda Gleason better not come within ten feet
of the Gaslight.
If she does, he'll make sure anyone who performs here
will never work on the East Coast again.
Look, Harry is a legendary drunk.
And he's saying you screwed him over.
-Did you do that? -(stammers)
At least I didn't give him the clap.
Who is Amanda Gleason, Susie?
-She's a comic I'm managing. -Well, see if you can
manage to keep her out of here.
-Eddie... -Don't book her,
don't give her a slot.
Don't let her use the john. Nothing. You got it?
You'd feel different if you'd heard her act.
Susie, listen to me.
You've done a good job here
with Baz off in the tundra, or wherever the hell he is.
But I need you to stand down for a while.
What does that mean?
It means let Jackie run things.
Let him put the lineups together.
You stay away from anything having to do with the talent.
-Then what am I supposed to do? -Run the door.
I would rather clean gum off the floor.
Sit your ass on that stool and take people's money.
No fucking way.
You want to take that sunny, people-pleasing attitude
of yours and go look for another job? Go ahead.
Rikers might be hiring. Okay.
We're clear. I'm leaving.
It's nice seeing you.
Don't make me come down here again.
-MAN: Snake. -WOMEN: Snake,
snake, snake, snake.
Snake. (hissing)
(laughter)
â™ª Mister Santa â™ª
â™ª Bring me some toys â™ª
â™ª Bring Merry Christmas to all girls and boys... â™ª
I've got five minutes for a toast,
and then I'm on the clock.
-Happy holidays. -Merry Christmas.
Here's mud in your eye.
â™ª And dream about the presents... â™ª
Oh, my. Vivian mixed this, didn't she?
-How'd you know? -Wild guess.
Finger, please.
Who gets the pretty gift?
Harriet got a modeling job.
In Paris. Could you die?
Oh, that's wonderful.
Christmas in Paris.
With French guys.
Here's to Charles Boyer!
ALL: To Charles Boyer!
How about we get Viv a little Christmas coffee
before she goes back on the floor,
so she doesn't start eating the lipsticks again.
(chuckles) Will do.
Oh, I forgot to ask about your date.
Is he the one, or the one right now?
-Well, well, well. -(giggles)
God bless us, everyone!
-What's that mean? -It's the end of Christmas Carol.
It's a book.
Always with the books, geez.
(mouthing)
â™ª Give every reindeer a hug and a squeeze â™ª
â™ª I'll be good, as good can be â™ª
â™ª Mister Santa, don't forget me... â™ª
â™ª Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom. â™ª
Congratulations, mademoiselle.
-A Viv special? -A Viv special.
I can smell it from here.
I want postcards from Paris.
Mais oui.
Hey!
Penny.
-What are you... -I have been all over town looking for you.
-Penny, I'm working right now. -Oh, I know.
I know you're working because Joel said you worked
in a department store.
He just didn't say which one.
So I went to all of them.
I went to Saks. I went to Bergdorf's.
I went to Macy's. I went to Gimbels.
They're across the street from each other, so that was easy.
I went to Lord & Taylor's.
I went to Bendel's, even though I thought,
"She wouldn't shop at Bendel's,"
but it's not really about
where you would shop, is it?
-Not really. Look, can we... -I almost gave up.
But I decided, "No, I'll give it one more try."
And I came here, and here you are.
-Yes. Look... -I know all about you and Joel.
I know that you spent the night together.
And I think that's rotten. It's mean
and it's spiteful and vindictive
and I don't understand why you'd do it.
Wow. Where's a fainting couch when you need one?
Joel and I were happy.
-Oh, boy. -I made him happy.
-He moved out, Penny. -Not really.
-Are his things there? -There's socks.
Socks? Or just a sock?
He moved out. You broke up.
No. We did not break up.
Joel never said the words, "We broke up."
-What words did he say? -Other words.
Other words that basically amount to "we broke up"?
I was good for him.
Better for him than you were. He relaxed around me.
He'd come home at night and fall right to sleep.
Boy, you are making it way too easy.
If you had just let go, if you had just...
He never took off his wedding ring.
You didn't think that was strange?
The stress of everything made his fingers swell.
Penny, you don't really believe that, do you?
He would've forgotten you.
You just did something.
You need to go.
You did sleep together, didn't you?
-Yes. -Tramp!
That's what I went to seven different
department stores to say!
You are a tramp!
We need to have a talk.
Bring your handbook.
What do you do?
Spoken word with tambourine.
Your parents must be thrilled.
Okay. 8:30.
Can I get some change?
Fuck off.
Oh, yeah. Singles okay?
What do you do?
Carter Family covers.
11:30.
How'd you get Imogene to let you come out with me tonight?
I explained this is a big deal for you.
You needed your second by your side.
So if I bomb, you're going up?
Nope. You bomb, I look the other way.
Never met you.
Hi, there.
-Remember me? -No.
-I'm the one with the brisket. -No.
Actually, my wife would bring the brisket,
but it was for me to get me a spot.
So, how about I owe you a brisket and you give me a spot?
No.
Okay. Hey, that is a great blouse.
Barking up the wrong tree, pal.
Right. Look, I'd really love a spot.
Anything you could do?
I don't give out the spots anymore.
Got to talk to him.
Tell him he's got a nice ass.
That usually works.
Okay, thanks.
Hi.
I'm a comedian. I'd like a slot tonight.
Sorry, pal. All full.
You sure?
Just gave the last one to that guy or that guy.
I don't know. One of those guys got the last slot.
What if I come back tonight just in case someone drops out?
That's a pretty fucking stupid idea.
Okay. Then I'll try again tomorrow.
And the next day, and the day after that
because I am going to get a slot
and I am going to get back up on that stage.
Cue the orchestra.
What do I care? Come back whenever you want.
Let's go, Arch.
Mr. Persistency.
This is what Midge wanted.
She wanted me to be a comedian
and I just didn't try hard enough.
So, now, I do this for Midge
because from now on, she gets everything she wants.
MIDGE: Papa?
(thumping)
Papa?
ABE: Yes?
What are you doing?
Alphabetizing my books.
Can I talk to you for a moment?
Okay.
Are you... y-you're gonna do it from there?
I think that's what we're looking at, yes.
Okay.
Well, I just wanted to tell you that Joel and I
might be getting back together.
Are you kidding me?
After what you put your mother and me through,
you have the nerve to come in here and tell me
you're getting back together?
-I... -She's not speaking to me.
She took my study. Look at me.
Look at what I have to do every single day
because you wouldn't let Joel come back!
-I'm sorry. -No!
-"No" what? -No, I forbid it.
You forbid me to get back together with my husband?
Yes, I forbid it.
You have laid waste to everyone and everything
around you.
It's been like a typhoon.
The Red Cross should start handing out blankets.
You have ruined everybody's life
and now that there's no more havoc to wreak,
you want to get back together
and be happy. No.
You don't get to be happy until I can get to my piano!
Papa, I am so sorry.
I really am. I-I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
I didn't mean to upset your lives.
ABE: Ugh.
I've just missed him so much.
I miss being married.
I miss having someone to laugh with,
someone next to me at night.
Are you sure?
I love him.
Goddamn it!
Goddamn it! Goddamn it! I'm fine.
Oy.
And I thought your teenage years were a problem.
Well, look on the bright side.
Still might not happen.
Don't tease.
I'm a different person now than when he left.
He might not like the new me.
People change.
You know who your mother was when I first met her?
She had just come back from France.
She smoked cigarettes.
She wore a beret.
-She ate. -Stop.
I once shared an entire chocolate cake with her.
That was a great night.
But now... she's different.
She changed.
Ah, I'm sure I changed.
I'm not as limber as I once was, that's for sure.
But I still love her.
(sighs) Change...
part of marriage.
If he loves you...
He does.
If he loves you,
and you can forgive...
ah, who the hell knows?
Just, please...
please, don't tell your mother unless you're very, very sure.
-Okay. -Because if I come home
and she's moved me into the kids' room...
-I'll have to kill you. -I understand.
I'll feel bad about it, but it will happen.
You need a hand?
No.
Not sure which way I want to go.
If you need me, just holler.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, definitely.
Ha, this is it.
Wow. This place ever new?
Doubt it.
(laughing): Hey.
Maybe I should take up an instrument.
We could have an act, take it on the road.
Wait, hear that?
I think that was Imogene passing out somewhere.
Hey, I'm looking for party albums.
Uh, downstairs, but don't touch anything without gloves on.
Is that to protect the records or me?
(Archie chuckles)
Oy, tough crowd.
-Let's go downstairs. -WOMAN: Play it again.
-I swear I know her. -MAN: Okay, here you go.
MIDGE (on reel-to-reel recorder): I gave him kids.
-A boy and a girl. -(laughs)
And, yes, our little girl is looking more and more
like Winston Churchill every day.
-(both laugh) -You know, with that big Yalta head?
But that's not a reason to leave, right?
That's Barbra Mellon.
No, it's not. I asked her.
MIDGE: Walk of shame.
I loved him and I showed him...
WOMAN: I love this part.
MIDGE: All that shit they say
about Jewish girls in the bedroom?
Not true. There are French whores
standing around the Marais District saying,
(French accent): "Did you hear what Midge did to..."
What the hell is this?
It's not for sale.
(woman gasps)
Hey.
-Joel. -Not now, Archie.
What the hell was that?
It's just... I just...
Belter is located just seven miles
from the California Institute of Technology,
which gives us the opportunity to recruit the expertise
at CalTech to overhaul its current production methods.
My growing expertise
in corporate organizational structure,
coupled with my newfound passion for-for, uh...
I quit.
What?
Oh, you got to be kidding me. Jesus Christ.
-Hey, Lenny. -It's you?
I'm sorry. They wouldn't let me in without paying.
Yes, that's how a business usually operates.
Look, I had to talk to you.
Don't you ever send a message to anyone saying,
"Your drug dealer is outside."
That could go wrong in so many ways.
-Have you heard about this? -What?
Look.
Sophie Lennon?
Yes, yes, I heard.
I rejoiced.
Sophie Lennon's a hack.
Plus, she owes me money.
I wrote some jokes for her. Never paid me.
Good jokes, too, but she said her audience
doesn't know the word "cunnilingus."
Yeah, well, because of that show,
Amanda Gleason has been blackballed.
Who's Amanda Gleason?
She's the comic who took down Lennon.
Amanda Gleason is a terrible name.
I know. She knows. We all know.
The name's not the problem.
-What's the problem? -The problem is
she's been blackballed. She can't get a gig anywhere
and I've been blackballed along with her.
You understand "blackballed"?
I understand blackballed.
-So... -It's terrible.
What do you want from me?
I need you to do a show at the Gaslight.
I don't do basket houses anymore.
I wear big boy pants now.
Just do this as a favor to me?
For you? I don't owe you anything.
Now, if you really were my dealer...
Fine. Don't do it for me.
Do it for Midge.
-Midge? -Yeah.
Midge.
Oh, Midge.
Well, well, well.
All hail the Upper West Side.
So?
("Hava Nagila" by The Barry Sisters playing)
(Midge shouts, laughs)
â™ª Hava nagila, hava nagila â™ª
â™ª Hava, nagila venis mecha â™ª
â™ª Hava nagila, hava nagila â™ª
â™ª Hava nagila venis mecha â™ª
â™ª Hava neranena, hava neranena â™ª
â™ª Hava neranena, venis mecha â™ª
â™ª Hava neranena, hava neranena â™ª
â™ª Hava neranena, venis mecha â™ª
â™ª Uru, uru achim â™ª
â™ª Uru achim belev sameach â™ª
â™ª Uru achim â™ª
â™ª Uru achim... â™ª
You're up next.
-These are your relatives? -Mine? No.
They're definitely not mine. I don't think.
Maybe they're the cousins from Florida or...
I have some family in Ottawa, but...
Holy shit, who the hell are these people?
MIDGE: They're chorus boys.
They're what?
Chorus boys. Dancers.
I... what?
I wanted to make sure there were great dancers at our wedding,
so I hired some chorus boys from Pajama Game to come and dance.
Two of them did "Steam Heat."
Notice the great hat work.
I'm sorry. You hired ringers to dance at our wedding?
Yes.
-Okay, come on. -Wait, where are we going?
To find the rabbi.
I'm marrying you all over again.
Ooh, that's good.
Someone should do something with that.
Keep moving.
Rabbi, is the chuppah still up?
â™ª â™ª
(sighs)
All right, ankle.
Eight.
Left ankle, eight.
Right calf, 11.
Left calf, 11.
Yeah. Still got it.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Blue, green... green?
Not green. Did green. Felt green.
Oh, red. No. Pink. Crap.
Take a breath. Never stress dress, Midge.
-Never stress dress. -Miriam?
I don't suppose you'd like to go with me to the beauty parlor?
I'd love to.
-But, you can't? -Not right now.
Well, I wasn't talking about right now.
-Oh. -It's night right now.
-Yes. -I was talking about some other time.
Some other time would work.
So, where are you going?
You're not gonna tell me, are you?
Or, if you do, you're just going to lie.
So, it's all different now, isn't it?
Mama.
I'm still your daughter.
(chuckles softly)
That dress needs pearls.
-(jazz music playing) -(lively chatter)
Excuse me, coming through.
MAN: Hey. Whoa.
Seriously, the amount of time it takes you to get anywhere...
-What's going on here? -Doesn't matter.
-You got your book? -Got the book.
I need you to be great tonight.
No pressure, but I need you to be perfect tonight.
No pressure, but if ever there was a night
that everything in the world depends on how great
and perfect you are, it's tonight.
-No pressure. -Pressure, yeah, I got it.
Thanks for taking the pressure off.
-I thought I wasn't allowed back here. -You're not.
I thought you weren't allowed to give me stage time.
-I'm not. -Then what the hell is going...
Jesus, you giving out free cars tonight or what?
This is all for you, asshole.
Hello, Amanda Gleason.
What are you doing? What is going on here?
I am doing what is unheard of in this business.
It's called a very nice thing.
Oh, well, then, thank you.
Thank Susie. She set this up.
Are you going on like that?
Thank you. What? No.
Is there gonna be a snowstorm in here?
-No. -You keepin' it clean for the Hasids?
It's coming off. It's coming off.
(chatter, laughter continues)
MIDGE: Susie...
LENNY: She did. She shoved a paper in my face...
(conversation continues indistinctly)
Okay.
So, I'm going up there to do a set, for nothing.
I'm going to say, "Hello, blah, blah, blah,"
and then I'm gonna hand the mic off to you.
The only thing I ask-- no, demand--
I am not introducing you as Amanda Gleason.
-You've got to find a better fucking name. -Way ahead of you.
Okay. You ready?
-I... -Sure you are.
How did you do this?
Lots of perverted sex acts.
I'll have skinned knees for a month.
Wow.
Good look?
(exhales sharply) The look.
JACKIE: Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth,
but here I go.
Welcome to the stage, Lenny Bruce!
(loud cheering)
LENNY: Good evening,
ladies, gentlemen,
and all the undecided.
(laughter)
I'm your host for the evening.
Now, I have promised the powers that be
that I will perform my little dog and pony show
for all you fine people, but,
before I do, I have a favor to ask.
I have a friend who's been going through some of the same shit
that I've gone through lately,
and I don't want to get on a rant here,
but Stalin would be very proud.
(laughter)
So, indulge me, because
I think she's going to be very big
and she's a hell of a lot easier on the eyes than I am.
Please welcome to the stage, a very classy lady,
my friend...
I'm actually gonna let her introduce herself to you.
Okay. Get up here.
(applause)
Susie...
Go show 'em how it's done.
MAN: All right, yeah!
Thank you. Hi!
(louder, over microphone): Thank you.
Wow, so nice, considering you thought you were here
to see Lenny Bruce, and instead, you have to listen to me
-for a while. -(laughter)
I promise to insult the Pope and read you my court documents
-before the evening is over. -(laughter)
So, let's see, what can I talk about?
Going through a pretty dull time in my life.
Oh! My husband's girlfriend attacked me at work yesterday.
-(scattered laughter) -You know what that's like, huh, ladies?
Really? No one?
Oh, good, then you'll love this.
So, my husband left me three months ago
for his teenage secretary.
However, the other night he came home...
for some clean underwear and a fuck.
(laughter)
Actually, just for the underwear.
I threw in the fuck for free.
Anyhow, Lolita found out and, boy, was she steamed.
She couldn't believe I'd have the nerve
to sleep with my husband.
She thought that was mean.
And vindictive. And she has a point.
After all, she has a teddy bear he won for her at Coney Island.
All I've got is a wedding ring
and two kids who called him "Daddy."
Who cares if I was there first, this girl
put a lot of work into luring him away.
I mean, she had to...
-have a vagina. -(loud laughter)
Pretty low bar. But pretty high vagina.
She's tall.
-(laughter) -And dumb. I mean, she's pretty,
but I'm pretty sure NASA doesn't have her
on its short list for job openings.
Anyhow, yesterday she drags her giant vagina into my work
and starts yelling at me.
And after a while, I start yelling back.
And she's saying, "You stole him,"
and I'm saying, "I was there first."
And she says, "I was there second,"
and I say, "That's a very immature argument,"
and she says, "Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"
And I say, "No," and she says, "You're sure?"
And I say, "Do you have vanilla creams?"
And she says, "No," and I said, "You bitch!"
(loud laughter, applause)
And everyone in the store is staring,
and I'm starting to wonder, who's right here?
I mean, was it really fair to lure Joel back
with the promise of coherent conversation
and unlimited clean jockey shorts?
I just assumed I had that right.
I really thought you find a guy, you give it up, you get married.
Oh, no, wait. You get married, then you give it up.
Get married, then give it up. I got to write that down.
Anyhow, my point is, with the ring came the sex.
Exclusive sex.
Right? Something to count on.
Something you know is yours.
Like a social security number
or a family history of insanity.
(laughter)
But apparently, it's not.
He left. She took him.
Did I relinquish my rights when he walked out the door?
Is that how it works?
Now, did it always work that way
and I just didn't read the fine print?
What are the fucking rules?
I mean, not the fucking rules, the "fucking" rules.
Who gets first "fucking" rights?
-(laughter) -Hey.
MIDGE: Is it first come, first serve?
-Finders keepers... -Hey!
-...losers eventually go blind? -How did you get in
-without paying? -So, this is you, huh?
-What? -That!
You got her into this, right?
Got her to go up there like that?
Got her to stand up there and talk about our life.
-Hey, she says what she wants. -Talk about me.
She must just find you amusing.
I know I find you completely ridiculous.
You don't give a shit what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
You're breaking up a family!
That's the mother of my children up there
talking trash about me in front of a bunch of strangers.
Well, you got to admit, it's better than her talking trash
about you in front of a bunch of people you know.
Are you happy?
Are you happy that you've ruined my life?
Hey, I didn't fuck my secretary. That was you!
You don't know anything about me.
Oh, buddy, I know so much more than you think.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
You are ripped right out of a bullshit male catalogue.
King of the mansion, spoiled brat.
Who do you go home to, huh?
What do you know about having a family?
Nothing! And thank God.
'Cause if I had to go home to you, I'd set the house on fire.
-Fuck you! -No, fuck you, Sal Mineo!
Get the hell away from me.
Midge has a path now, a career.
And she's gonna be a star and you are just gonna be that guy
sitting at some loser bar every night
pointing to the television set saying,
"I used to be married to her, but I fucking blew it!"
MIDGE: Wing it.
And how come men seem to get a completely different
-set of rules to follow? -MAN: Hey!
Hey, go home and clean the kitchen!
MIDGE: Oh, sir, I'm Jewish.
-I pay people to do that. -(laughter)
Women aren't funny.
Your wife must have a sense of humor.
She's seen you naked.
-(loud laughter) -(audience oohing)
I'm sorry. I thought we were truth telling.
You're a dumb bitch.
-Oh, who told you? -(laughter)
What can I say? All the good men are taken, ladies.
(applause)
Now, where were we?
MAN: Uptown or downtown, boys? Where are we goin'?
Hey, asshole!
Oh, so you answer to asshole, asshole?
What's your problem?
MAN 2: Whoa, hey! Hey!
-Hey, what are you doing? -Get off!
-Come on! -What the hell are you doing?
MAN 3: Hey, buddy, you're gonna kill him.
WOMAN: Get out of here!
(people shouting)
-Are you crazy?! -Come on.
She's good!
She's fucking good!
Hey, get out of here!
Keep walking.
(excited chatter continues)
She's good.
(loud laughter)
MIDGE: But if we didn't have our husbands,
-what would we have to talk about? -(laughter)
You have been a great audience, ladies and gentlemen.
That's it for me.
My name is Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you and good night!
(loud cheering)
â™ª I used to know this old scarecrow â™ª
â™ª He was my song â™ª
â™ª My joy and sorrow â™ª
â™ª Cast alone between the furrows â™ª
â™ª Of a field â™ª
â™ª No longer sown by anyone â™ª
â™ª I held a dandelion â™ª
â™ª That said the time had come â™ª
â™ª To leave upon the wind â™ª
â™ª Not to return â™ª
â™ª When summer burned the earth again â™ª
â™ª Oh â™ª