Earl, time to play marry, sleep with or kill: Diner edition.
Ladies, booth 1.
Sleep with, sleep with, slept with.
Nice.
Okay, Max. The dude at table 10.
Is there a "throw food in the cage and run" category?
Hey, jump in. We're playing marry, sleep with or kill: Diner edition.
No. If I slept with anyone in this diner, I'd kill myself.
Even in a fictional scenario, i cannot permit myself to go there.
Girl, you'd take the fun out of a punch bowl full of cocaine.
Okay, fine.
Sleep with Earl, marry you.
Not us, jeez. What are you, a freak?
I feel uncomfortable, Caroline.
Like I don't know how to look at you anymore.
Now I can only see you in a creepy lady tux.
You said it was just a game.
I'm not in love with you. Back off.
Heh. It was just a joke, Earl.
The things we say in jest, darling. The things we say in jest.
Oh, my god. Look at the rsvp list for our opening party.
- Max's homemade cupcakes is at capacity. - We might even be overbooked.
Because in my experience, even when guys say they're not gonna come, they do.
Caroline, booth 2 has been waiting for service for 10 minutes.
Han knows how frustrating that is because he's been waiting to be serviced for years.
Not that it's any of your business, Max, but I have a very active sex life.
So then, han, will you be bringing a date tomorrow night?
Ah. No.
You do understand that sex involves two people, right?
And that one of those people has to be you.
What is all this dirty talk? This is a diner, not a dirty-talking place.
Sorry, I know we still work here at night. I'll go to the booth.
We were just talking about our big opening party.
All you ever talk about is your big opening.
Now who has the potty mouth?
I need your guest-list names.
I'm still waiting for them to confirm so just put me down for 10.
Okay, but I need their names asap. I'm running a tight door.
I got a bouncer from a local club to donate his time.
I told him it was a charity event for eczema.
What? We'll make a big donation when we're successful...
but for tomorrow, every now and then, scratch a little.
Hi, everybody, I got great news.
What? You finally found the thing we lost in there?
No. I knew we should have tied a string on it.
No, look. I got a fax from Poland.
My dream house is done. Isn't it amazing?
It is amazing. I haven't seen a fax in, like, five years.
Sophie, it's so pretty. Look at all the sweet gingerbread woodwork on the porch.
Oh, I'm so excited. I'm going to be on air Poland flight right after big party.
You are going to Poland? That's news. And when were you going to tell me?
Uh, now. Yeah, I'm gonna be gone for a month.
Oh, okay. It will be good to have some time away from the old ball and chain.
Yeah, he's not talking about me. We use a ball and chain in our love making.
Yeah, that's the thing I can't find.
All right.
Okay. Yeah, well, bye-bye.
I'll see you tomorrow night at my big going-away party.
Uh, Sophie, the party's for our cupcake business.
Oh, see, this is what I don't like you so much.
Guys, thanks again for donating your time.
It's fundraisers like this that will help put an end to undescended testicles.
Hi. I'd like to meet the owner of this awesome and totally cool cupcake shop.
Oh, never mind, that's me.
Max, you got a blowout.
Yeah, I figured I'd finally see what all the fuss about getting blown is.
Oh, hi. We're not quite ready for guests yet.
Girl, I'm your doorman, nevel.
Oh, I'm confused. I thought my doorman was...
Straight, white, and boring? He was. Then boring came down with the flu...
now you got gay, black, and definitely not boring. So, what's the charity tonight?
- Eczema. - Undescended testicles.
People with eczema and undescended testicles.
Lord, child, that is a cross to bear.
Get me the door list and let's make those poor itchy boys some money.
Another fake charity?
You've got some balls, even if they aren't descended.
Max, we so lucked out.
Nothing says successful party like a bitchy gay doorman.
Give me your guest names. I'll write them down.
Okay, fine. Put down Tommy, Dylan, Robbie, Johnny...
Robbie and Johnny?
Wait, Max, are these all your ex-boyfriends?
Perhaps.
Max, the invited guests were all supposed to be business contacts.
This is why I didn't tell you sooner. You're a control freak.
And, for the record, these guys have all had contact with my business.
You're using our launch party to get back at ex-boyfriends?
Uh, yeah. That's what success is for.
To say "suck it" to people who dumped you.
"See my blown-out hair? Suck it. See my cool cupcake shop? Suck it.
See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it."
And here, it is not just boyfriends on my list...
i also invited the lady from staples who gives me attitude.
She can suck it too.
Fine, but how is inviting Johnny and his new wife a victory?
Oh, like this: "Hi, Mrs. Johnny, nice to meet you.
You got him, but I got these and all this, so suck it."
I'm not so sure this is healthy.
Are you kidding me?
This is the healthiest thing I've done in my life.
I even thought about inviting my mother to come and suck it...
but then she'd realize I didn't commit suicide two years ago like my note said.
I'm about ready to open.
Shouldn't we be putting up some testicle banners or scrotum posters or something?
Also, there's a cute blond boy out here...
asking for you that I'm about to eat alive. Unh!
That's Andy with the free bar stuff.
Go. I'm gonna stay here and practice my suck-it face for a while. How's this?
That look is so much more "suck it" with the straight hair.
I know, right? Heh.
- There's my cute boyfriend. Andy: Hey.
How did everything go at spike's liquor?
I got confused about what charity we're pretending to help...
so I told him my sister's homeless and my balls are up inside me.
Now we just gotta hope spike's not the chatty type.
Oop, they just dropped.
Hey, Andy, question. What does this face say to you?
- I don't know, like, "I'm cool." - So close. Guess again.
Okay, like, "I'm better than you." No, like, "I'm it and you can suck it."
Yes. Yes. They can suck it. Ha, ha.
- Is that what you're wearing tonight? - Yeah. No?
A sweater? I always saw you in a suit tonight.
Run home and put on a suit. Hurry, people are starting to come.
Uh, Max is still making the face.
I know. I can't stop. I've waited my whole life to make this face.
Max, look. Our business is open.
Wait, wait, wait. Not quite.
In five, four, three, two....
Both: Whoo!
- Name, please. - Sophie kuchenski. Guest of honor.
[All cheer]
- How many in your party? - See? I knew it was my party.
[All cheer]
[Pop music playing over speakers]
There's a line all the way down the hall and I've given out, like, 100 business cards.
You know what that means? Being poor can suck it.
[Chuckles]
The fire marshal just dropped by and told me we can't let more people in...
till some of these folks go out.
Nevel, none of my guests are even here yet.
It is important you let in any guy who looks hot but you know would screw you over.
Is there any other type?
I'll go get more cupcakes.
- Hey. How's it going so far, babe? - What are you doing?
- I told you to come in a suit. - I know, but I like what I'm wearing.
So you're telling me you'll just do what you want...
no matter how much I try to control you?
Yeah.
That is so freaking hot.
Caroline.
Caroline, I can't get in.
Caroline, less kissing, more noticing me.
See, I know her and my name's on the list. Han Lee.
Honey, if I was a fat girl and your name was Sara Lee...
you still wouldn't be getting in.
We are at capacity.
- Hey. Robbie. On the list. - Go right on in, child.
Uh, hello?
Do you need a dictionary to define the word "capacity"?
I have clear orders. Only very hot men who look like trouble. Mm-hm.
Excuse me, you know where I can find Max?
Yes, she's in the back.
- Cool. - Robbie, it's me, Caroline.
Oh, sorry.
Did we have sex?
What? No. I'm Max's roommate.
Oh, Max had a roommate? I was pretty much wasted the whole time.
I remember, like, nothing.
But I'm in the program now, so it's one day at a time.
- Well, Max is through there. - Cool.
But we did have sex, right?
No, we did not have sex.
You offered, but I wasn't into you.
Ha, ha. Yeah, right.
- Hey, Max. - Robbie.
Why you making that face? You have a toothache or something?
No. It's... I'm successful now and this is my shop.
Oh. Cool.
So, listen, I'm an alcoholic now and I did a lot of stuff that wasn't cool...
and I came here because the program says that I have to make almonds.
- Almonds? - Yeah.
You mean "amends"?
Cool. So, look, I cheated on you behind your back, like, every day.
Well, um, we don't have to go into all this now, it's kind of a big night for me.
And I stole money from you too. Like, every time we had sex.
But we had a lot of sex.
Heh. I know. I stole a lot of money.
Well, this just went from suck it to it sucks...
so lift up your shirt.
I gotta get something out of tonight.
Money well spent.
Just found out I've paid for more sex than an arab businessman.
Maybe this wasn't the healthiest thing i could have done.
What do you wanna do? Should I tell nevel to keep Johnny out?
Too late. Way too late.
- Max. - Hi.
You look even better than I remember.
Well, I should, I just got blown. Heh.
Suck it. Suck it. Suck it.
This place is awesome.
It's like you're telling everybody who ever doubted you to suck it.
No, we're not petty like that.
Hey, it's a little loud in here. You wanna talk in the hall?
Uh, wait, let me take a look around my big successful shop. Yeah, I can go.
Caroline: Keep your eye on Max.
That guy in the Brad Pitt glasses broke her heart and I don't trust him.
Max, you look insanely good.
Thanks. Now maybe you could repeat that to your wife, and where is she?
We never got married.
Max. Max. I can't get in.
Wait, what do you mean, you didn't get married?
Johnny. Hey, Johnny, I'm back here.
I didn't know if I was gonna tell you, but then I got your invite...
Max, Johnny, I'm back here.
- Should we just go say hi? - Uh, no, not right now.
Max, Max, I can't get in.
Max. Johnny.
Max, I've been thinking about you a lot.
Stop. Before you say anything else, i just have to say....
I need candy.
What were you saying?
I called off the wedding because she wasn't the one.
You wanna know how I know that?
Max, Johnny.
- I can't get into the party. - Come here.
Han: Help me out.
Seriously. That doorman is a beyotch.
Okay, so, uh....
- Wait, what are we doing? - Making out in a room full of candy.
Right.
No, this can't happen. I was gonna give you my suck-it face.
Okay. Give it to me. I deserve it.
Your suck-it face is hot.
It's the hair.
Ow.
[Max grunts]
Greatest night of my life.
[Clears throat]
Disclaimer: This is not my t-shirt, though I am all about the "girl power."
Disclaimer: It's not my t-shirt either.
Some nerd left it in the dryer at the laundromat.
It's mine.
Girl power.
No way.
No way, do I smell chocolate chips?
And is uncle Andy making pancakes?
You do and I am.
Dude, I don't know you, but chocolate-chip pancakes are the balls.
How did you two sleep?
Did we sleep?
Great, so what's gonna happen now?
I meant today at the shop. Our big first day in business.
You thought I was talking about you two? Pbbt.
I don't care about you two. Pbbt. Nobody cares about you two.
Well, first we have to clean the party mess up.
Andy and I did it last night when you didn't come back.
Um, can someone here mellow out...
and put some pancakes in her pancake hole?
No, Caroline, I get it. It's been a rocky ride for Max and me.
See, when we met, I had a girlfriend.
- Which he never told her about... - Ah, keep eating.
And because of that, Max and I never really got together.
Then that girl and I broke up and by the time I saw Max again, I was...
Engaged to be married.
Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna get married.
Wait, to that same girlfriend?
Different one. Different one.
That didn't work out either and I've had a couple girlfriends since.
Mm. Only a couple.
Yeah. None of them seem to work out. None of them are Max.
Hey, save me a pancake.
It looks like Caroline has plans to eat them all.
Well, Max, as far as your suck-it plan goes, it looks like somebody sucked something.
Pancakes, pancake hole. He's a good guy.
Oh, yeah, he seems cool. Kind of falls in love a lot, but, hey.
And I did not tell him to say that. He never does what I say. It's hot.
"But, hey," what?
Oh, we're continuing? Um...
i don't know, maybe I'm partial...
but, Max, you're an a, he kind of seems like a b.
Minus.
First of all, look at me. I am clearly a d.
And I don't think he falls in love a lot.
Man, I love, love, love pancakes and if I could, I would marry a pancake.
What time is it?
Ten-twenty.
It's the first day. All those people are tired from the party.
Yeah. Oh, and look, we forgot to light it up. People don't know we're open.
In five, four, three, two....
Both: Whoo!
Go to work.
- First day. - Yep.
No one's here.
Remember, all we have to sell is 70 cupcakes a day to keep on track.
Seventy cupcakes? That's not so hard.
Maybe we should do the light again.
In five, four, three, two....
Both: Whoo.
What time is it now?
Tomorrow we only need to sell 140 cupcakes.
A hundred and forty cupcakes, that's not so hard.
How many did we sell today?
Four.
And all were to Johnny.
I think I've made a terrible mistake.
It's only been three days. Business will pick up.
No, with Johnny. It's different now that he's available. Maybe I'm the kind of person...
who only wants something they can't have and when they get it, don't want it anymore.
Okay, but do you feel that way about the cupcake shop too?
No. I love our cupcake shop.
Wow, that's the first time I've ever said i loved anything out loud.
Except for robitussin.
[Door opens]
Caroline: It's Johnny.
Well, I know what I have to do.
Max, you can't change your mind about him now, he's our only customer.
By the way, I've always loved him.
Hey, guys.
Um, can we talk in the kitchen?
Wait, before you go, I just wanna say that no matter what goes down in life...
we are always open to your business.
We're either gonna have crazy kitchen sex, or I'm getting expelled.
We're not having kitchen sex. It's way too dirty in here.
From other people having kitchen sex.
So I'm getting expelled.
It's weird, right? Between us?
Yeah, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's an absence of a lot of candy?
- But it's not the same. - Max, Johnny, I thought I heard you.
Max. I can't get out.
Maybe we're only at our best when you have another girlfriend.
Give me a call when you get that going, in, like, 10 minutes.
[Chuckles]
Or I could just call you on my actual wedding day.
Oh, cool. Yeah, just call me 30 minutes before the service and I'll be there.
Better yet, call me at your 50th wedding anniversary.
Yeah, now that's hot.
Han: Max. Johnny. I'm cold.
Kiss goodbye?
Han: Seriously, guys, I can't feel my toes.
See, it's hot again because we broke up.
I'll see you at my 50th, if not before.
[Banging on door]
First the party, now this.
When I have a party, you won't be on the list.
You're right, I deserved that.
No, I was doing a power move. Please, I'm begging you to come.
We'll see.
I might be a little too busy with my big successful cupcake shop, so suck it.