Look at all these people just sitting here, not tipping, working on their computers.
This guy has a brand new apple, I've been eating the same apple for a week.
I blame Steve Jobs.
These people are more like Steve "i have no" jobs.
All right, that's it.
Earl, I need to get the wireless router.
Oh, is that what this is?
I thought it was a cookie warmer.
Attention deadbeat diners.
You can't just sit here all night and only order coffee.
This is not a Starbucks.
And I know that because we don't sell Norah Jones cds or bananas.
This is the router for the free Wi-Fi.
And that is a waitress who needs to make some tips.
Seriously, guys, I need actual cash.
This guy just offered to pay me in ideas.
If I pull this plug, the Internet will go down.
You, that sad e-mail you're in the middle of writing to your ex-boyfriend...
the one you shouldn't send anyway? Gone. And you.
That vaguely pornographic anime film...
you've been illegally downloading for three hours? Gone.
You, that screenplay you've been writing?
You can keep working on it, but we all know how it ends...
with you moving back in with your mother.
Now, who's gonna order?
Great, I'll go get some menus. Here, Caroline, put this back.
Ooh, my cookie warmer.
[Both laughing]
You're crazy.
Table 10 just ordered cocktails.
Yeah, because we're that kind of a place.
Does anybody know how to make sex on the beach?
Easy. I put on my speedo and wait.
[Both laughing]
Those girls have been drinking for hours.
Just press every button on the gun and add rum.
[Both laughing]
Look at them. Not a care in the world. Having a great time.
- I hate them. - I hate them too.
- I hate them more. So jealous. - I hate that you hate them more.
[Both laughing]
[Laughs]
Okay, ready for party of four.
Sophie: Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Okay. Excuse me.
Hey, baby. Looking good.
Always. I'll be in my booth.
Sophie, you cannot take up a whole booth alone.
There are people waiting. You must leave.
Go stand in the corner now.
Before I bend you across my knee and spank you in front of the whole class.
Well, I was going to stand in the corner anyway.
But tomorrow night, smaller table.
Go stand in the corner now.
Okay, I'm over being jealous of them.
[Both laughing]
Still? What are they, sitting on vibrators?
Let it go. They're not having that good of a time.
No, Max, we're not having that good of a time.
All we do is work. When's the last time we took a day and just had fun?
[Both laughing]
Those idiots remind me how much fun it was...
when I'd go and have cocktails with my girlfriends...
and watch them pretend to eat.
I think you're talking about day drinking and I think I like it.
All right, let's do something fun.
I'll put on my bolo tie and my best vest and take my girl out to eat.
So, what is this lunch spot you're taking me to?
Is it French? Do you think the chef will send an amuse-bouche to the table?
No. But this morning I shaved a smiley face into my "bouche" and it's very amusing.
It's just so fun to get dressed up and have someone wait on us for a change.
I even bought new panty hose from "du-Anne ree-aday."
You mean "Duane reade"?
Oh, is that how you pronounce it?
- Well, we're here. Better get in line. - Oh, there's a line. Popular place.
What's the name?
"Soup kitchen."
That's a cute name. Very williamsburg.
Like, "take our upscale bistro, make it seem like it's a soup kitchen...
open to everyone, but it's not really a soup kitchen."
Oh, that's nice, they let them use the bathroom.
And sit at a table.
Oh, my god, this is really a soup kitchen. This is your idea of treating me to lunch?
- We're not homeless. - No, but we are soupless.
And it's not just homeless people who eat here.
Okay, maybe they're the target audience.
Look, there's a lot of other people who can't afford to go out to eat.
You're right. Why are there so many hipsters here?
This place isn't just for people who don't have jobs...
it's for people who don't want them.
Well, it does smell good.
Excuse me, we'd like to take a look at your lunch menu.
Menu changes every day. Also, there is no menu.
There's like four things.
Oh, okay. So, what do you recommend?
Oh, what do I recommend?
Uh, don't share needles, and use condoms. But you didn't hear that last one from me.
Are nuns even allowed to be sarcastic?
If they are, I have some serious thinking to do about my future.
This sloppy Joe is the most amazing, terrible thing I've ever eaten.
I love that it's basically pre-chewed, so all you really have to do is swallow.
So good. I used to have these every day when I was a kid.
Well, then, I guess your childhood wasn't all that bad.
Mm, we couldn't afford the real manwich mix, so my mom's boyfriend, dirty Carl...
used to bring us leftover meat scraps, then bash them together...
with old ketchup packets he found in cars at the junkyard.
Now I understand why you think this is a nice restaurant.
Have you noticed the more you drink, the better this place gets?
I've noticed the more I drink, the better everything gets.
Why don't we drink every day?
Some of we do.
I'm having a great time. Thank you, Max.
Yesterday, you were so bummed about life...
i thought I'd take you somewhere you'd feel good.
Okay, I've been wanting to say this the whole time.
I feel like we're the hottest people in this room.
- Is that terrible? - Yes.
[Both laugh]
[Caroline & Max gasp]
Both: Speaking of hot people....
Wait, are we drunk or do we finally have one brain and the same taste in guys?
I don't know, but this is suddenly my new favorite restaurant.
Let's go get ourselves some of that man-wich.
I kind of like drunk Caroline way more than the other Caroline.
I kind of like her better too.
[Both laugh]
Ahem. Excuse me, do you know the guy who just came in here?
- The cute one. - Oh, he's so cute, right?
His name is Andy. He opened the candy store across the way.
Shut up. Candy? I love candy.
Question: What would make this day even better?
- Candy? Ha, ha! - Ha, ha!
You should totally go for the hot guy.
Or you can go for him. Let's think about this.
He's clean and not a drug addict, so he's more my type.
Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, so he's more my type.
You know what? Go for it, you've got dibs.
- Oh. That's so nice of you, Max. - Yeah.
And while you're doing him in the back room, I'll be pocketing some candy.
Oh, no. It's closed.
Hey, Max, you know what would be fun?
If we threw that trash can through the front window?
I was gonna say we should leave him a note.
- What would be fun about throwing that? - Have you ever done it? It's fun.
Oh, the sign's turned around. He can see us.
- He's smiling at us. - Heh.
Should we go in?
If I learned anything as a child, it's when a stranger offers you candy, you say yes.
Hi. We thought the sign said you were closed.
Yeah, I turned it around. I wanted you guys to come in.
[Gene Wilder's "pure imagination" playing]
Come with me and you'll be
in a world of pure imagination
if this isn't your thing, I also have some sabbath and some Beastie Boys.
So if this is candy Andy's sweets and treats...
are you candy Andy?
Oh, please, we hardly know each other, call me candrew Andrew.
I'm Caroline and this is Max.
- Max, say something. - Can't. It's all too wonderful.
Look at all the candy crammed in this little space.
It's like we're inside Willy wonka's colon.
Thanks. That's kind of the look i was going for too.
And I know it's accurate because i had the oompa loompas help me.
They were expensive, but what are you gonna doom-pa-Dee-doo?
[Caroline laughs]
I'd ring the bell after something that golden but I don't wanna scare you.
Well, now I have to hear the bell.
[Bell rings]
Now that's all I wanna hear.
Do you do free samples? You do, by the way.
Let me hook you guys up. On the house.
Marry this guy right now.
It's a small store, I can hear you.
Good. Moves things along faster.
Hey, come by the williamsburg diner sometime. We work there.
We'll give you free samples of food you shouldn't have to pay for anyway.
What brings you into this neighborhood?
Oh, we were having lunch at the... This is a really adorable space.
Thank you. You know, candy is my passion.
Yeah, I said it. Always has been.
Even as a kid, I would have my g.I. Joes sell sweet tarts to my transformers.
[Laughs]
Gum drops, gummi bears, gummi worms...
gummi hot dogs, gummi pizza.
Ooh, I just had a gummi-gasm.
So, what was your favorite candy as a kid?
Actually, I didn't eat a lot of candy as a child.
Okay, I'm gonna overlook that because you're pretty.
But maybe we could talk about your terrible childhood over coffee sometime.
- Yeah? - Heh-heh.
[Bell rings]
I'd leave you two alone if this place wasn't filled with candy.
- Okay, so, what's your favorite flavor? - Coconut.
And I'm walking to the c's.
The candy's alphabetical?
Now I'm marrying you too.
Okay, let's see.
Coconut watermelon slice. How's that sound?
Um, not so good. Actually, please don't say anything more about candy.
- Is it hot in here? - No, it's awesome in here.
Boston baked beans?
Didn't know they weren't real beans till I was 20.
Ugh. Please stop. Is it cold in here?
Is it hot and cold in here?
- Max, I feel weird. - Relax.
It's just your lady parts waking up from hibernation.
Again, small store, I can hear everything.
[Retches]
I am so sorry. Pardon me.
- Ooh, uh, you okay? - I'm fine.
Max, I am not fine.
I'm gonna be sloppy joanne in about two seconds.
Tiny, tiny store.
- Um, do you need to use the...? - No. We're fine, we'll just be going.
Nice to meet you. Ugh! Nope, I'm not gonna make it.
- Where is the...? - Right... right there.
Ahem. I'm sure she'll be all right.
[Caroline vomits]
["Pure imagination" playing]
I'm gonna step out. Sound of someone throwing up...
Oh, dude, I've been trying not to throw up this whole time.
[Toilet flushes]
Oh! What happened there, right? Heh.
Feeling better?
[Vomits]
[Both retching and groaning]
Did she tell you she projectile-puked soup and sloppy seconds...
all over a really cute guy and his floor?
Let me put it this way, Caroline.
In my heroin days, that would have been a perfectly acceptable first date.
I don't understand it. We ate the exact same thing.
How could you have not gotten sick?
You must still have "rich girl" stomach. I'm used to poor food.
What made you sick made my skin clear up.
- Hi, girls. Max: Hey, Sophie.
I'll be in my booth.
Oh.
Well, this is weird.
It's okay. You didn't know. Don't let it happen again. Okay, bye-bye now.
Sophie, what do you think you're doing?
What? They were sitting in my booth.
It is not your booth, it's my booth.
But with your booth, wouldn't it have a booster seat?
Oh, Sophie wants to dance? We gonna dance.
Max. Hi. It's Andy.
From the store? The guy that let you walk out with a push pop in your pocket.
That wasn't a push pop, Andy, i was happy to see you.
Well, you're gonna be even happier in a minute.
- Yay! - But these come with a catch.
Invites for Caroline and you to a party at my candy store.
But maybe don't wear that uniform, people are gonna think you're a giant sugar daddy.
So she's still going at it, huh?
Such a skinny girl, how much more can come out of her?
No, she's just a little embarrassed. Something about self-esteem.
She throws it around like it means something.
Well, I'd love her to come.
No pressure, but if you can talk her into it...
there will be unlimited candy for you for the rest of your life.
[Bell rings]
Look at him, stealing my bit.
Candy man came with invitations to a party at his store.
What, you think I wasn't listening at the door? I heard everything.
- All the vomit jokes, I heard them all. - Ah!
Jewelry already?
Your new husband likes to throw the cash around.
He is not my new husband, and now he never will be.
Oh, bubble tape.
I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy.
A guy so sweet, the word "sweet" is next to his name on actual real estate...
and I completely destroy any chance i had with him.
You didn't destroy anything.
And it's good to let him know right off the bat you have a gag reflex.
Oh. Oh, that's lovely. Happy Valentine's day.
I am not going to that party. I can never see him again.
Well, do you mind if I still go?
Being in a candy store after midnight is on my bucket list. Heh.
Funny, I thought that was the impossible one.
You should go. Have fun.
You're missing out. You two are perfect for each other.
- You're like hansel and gretel. - They were brother and sister.
So?
So no Caroline, huh?
- Uh, no, she couldn't make it. - Hmm.
Well, I'm feeling very sad, but you'd never know it.
Ah, you're fine. You don't seem to be short on other female party guests.
They're friends. Some from the neighborhood...
- some I worked with on wall street. - Wall street?
Did you have a candy tray you walked around with?
I wish. That would've been awesome.
I was pushing stock in pharmaceutical companies.
Wait. You know people who have access to pills?
Just when I thought you couldn't get any better.
Yeah, one day, I went into the firm and there was no firm. Bankrupt.
Boom. End of job, no money, nothing.
And after I drank non-stop for a week, i figured, hey...
now I can do what I've always dreamed of.
Open a candy store, be my own boss.
So I used all my savings and opened up this place.
And pretty soon, candy Andy will rule the world of sweets and treats.
- Did that sound braggy? - No.
Kick everybody out and let's go back to my place.
Uh, Max, no offense, but I'm more into your friend.
Um, Andy, no offense, but I'm more into the candy than the Andy.
I want you to come to my apartment and say hey to Caroline.
I was right. You two are perfect for each other.
Yeah? I mean, it would be nice to hang with her in pants I don't care about.
[Max laughs]
Aw, she's not here. Must have taken the horse for a walk.
You have a horse and I'm just hearing about this?
I have a candy store and it's out of my mouth in 30 seconds.
- Be right back, I have to pee. - She'll be okay with me being here?
Yeah. She was just embarrassed. She'll get over it.
[Caroline & Max scream]
Caroline: What are you doing? Knock first. - Why are your legs up in the air like that?
And why were you holding the shower head down by your...? Oh, ho, ho!
I'm sorry. I thought you'd be home feeling bad for yourself, not feeling your bad self.
What are you doing home already?
Why aren't you at the candy Andy party? Oh, don't look at me like that.
It's not like I'm the only person in the world who masturbates.
Also, Andy's here.
- We wanted to surprise you. - But then you surprised us.
It's not a big deal.
That kind of situation happens to a lot of people.
Who? Who has that ever happened to?
Um, I know this might be a delicate area right now...
but I'm thinking you should probably pay more than half of our water bill.
Hey, girls.
Oh. I need some hot tea to warm me up.
There's no hot water in our building when I tried to take a shower.
That's because it's all in Caroline.
- Max. - You are too tense.
Here. Take this and relax a little. Heh.
This doing anything for you?
Well, I'll be in my booth.
Hello, Sophie.
What are you doing in my booth?
It's not your booth, it's my booth. And look, all the other booths are taken.
So you'll have to sit at small table, as is customary for lone diners.
This is my booth. It's okay, you didn't know. Okay, bye-bye now.
Hello, Max. Check out my new booth. I think it's better.
[Chuckles]
Oh, no. I don't want to see him again.
Look, he's already seen you at your worst. You vomited and masturbated.
That's your full range.
Hi.
Look, I know you're really embarrassed about, well, everything...
and there's really nothing I can say to convince you not to be. So....
[Laughs]
Who's embarrassed now?
And to further my embarrassment, i will now do gymnastics in public.
That is not embarrassing, it was amazing.
All right, well, then come back to my house and watch me masturbate.
Or we could just get coffee.
- Yay! I'm so happy. - Thanks, Max.
No, not for you, for me.
I'm getting unlimited candy and maybe some pills.