♪ Sunshine ♪
♪ Every single day, helps to light my way ♪
♪ And darlin' ♪
♪ Right before my eyes it don't come as no surprise ♪
♪ That it's easy ♪
♪ Easy loving you ♪
♪ And baby ♪
♪ 'Til you came along ♪
♪ There was always something wrong around me ♪
♪ There was emptiness, of course ♪
♪ But it's alright ♪
♪ And it's easy ♪
♪ Easy loving you ♪
♪ And sunshine ♪
♪ Having you around you're the light I never found ♪
♪ And darlin' ♪
♪ Every minute you're away ♪
♪ But it's brighter ♪
♪ And it's easy ♪
♪ Easy loving you ♪
What's a fuckin' webinar?
Only one is a webinar. Huh?
- The other two are seminars. - Huh?
We're in the National Senior Tournament.
- So? - So, we don't have time
for a web... what? - Webinar.
Do what you're told, you dumb fuck.
Fuck you, Ziig, ya fuckin' hee-haw.
Look at the wall, Shoresy.
The other one.
The other one! - You're such a fuckin' idiot.
- Ziig! - That one!
What does it say? - God, don't make him read it.
Where? At the top!
Just take it slow, buddy. Sound it out.
Can we put that thing back in its pen
before it poops on something?
"For the community, by the community."
Seriously, it's gonna chew the corner of a chair.
We've got the best senior teams in Canada here,
including a ton of ex-pros,
and we're gonna use this opportunity
to give back to Sudbury. - With a webisode?
Webinar. Huh?
The other two are seminars. Two?
Yes, one webinar and two seminars.
For a total of what, Shoresy?
Count it out on your fingers, bud.
Count me outta all this,
ya fuckin' goat face. - Uh-uh.
As captain of the host Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs,
you have to show face. - Fer what?!
- For the community. - By the community.
- That's ambitious, Nat. - Hockey players give back.
Always have. They're good citizens.
They make themselves available to help.
They give their time.
Like the hockey players before them gave their time.
You a hockey player, Shoresy?
- When's the first salmon arm? - Seminar.
Seriously, how does he not have his piss
all down the front of him? - First game tonight.
First seminar tomorrow. Let's be ready
for the Charlottetown Reds. - Unless you're too hurt.
Unless you're too hurt.
He always finds a way to contribute.
Ready to drag your team into the fight?
Already hearing chatter about how nice they are.
Who's their guy again, Ziig?
Gord Gallant.
- Gorgeous Gord? - Tell me how you really feel.
- He's a good-lookin' guy. - Just another slut.
How did you get to be such a straight tamale?
- Practice. - Huh?
Dedication, hard work.
You're a straight ghost pepper.
I'm interviewing him after this.
- Interviewing who? - Gorgeous Gord.
- Well, I hope you're ready. - For what?
- You better get ready. - For what?
He's gonna take one look at you, he's gonna say,
"Oh, my God!" - No.
He's gonna take one look at you, he's gonna say,
"This place is great!" - I'm interviewing one standout
player from each team you guys play.
These fuckin' guys.
They get to come to Sudbury and see the best thing we got.
- Big Nickel? - Laura, you are
the best thing in Sudbury. - You're drunk.
You've seen me drunk.
I don't think you should get that drunk again.
I'm hearin' a lotta chatter
about how nice these Charlottetown guys are.
- I bet Gord's a donkey. - I'll take that action.
- Where'd you see him? - Tournament program.
Say he's earned his nickname?
I'd say bring a mop and bucket.
- You're such an idiot. - So, you're gonna be thinking
about him the next time you're just knockin' my socks off.
- Oh? - Oh yeah, rockin' my world.
- Think so? - Gonna be all Gorgeous Gord
the next time you're just making my universe
literally melt around me. - Okay, dude.
I'm all like floating in planets all like fuckin'...
- All fuckin' like what? - In orbit.
I'll be interviewing you, too.
Fer what?!
Don't forget to pencil me in, end of week.
I know you've been stepping out on me with that other guy.
Who?
Welcome to the Sudbury Kids Sports Report.
With your host, Jory Jordan.
We have our first match-up results from the National
Senior Tournament as the SOO Hunt have narrowly
edged the Vaughan Canadesi by a score of 3-2.
And Les Rapides de Rawdon have bucked the Brooks Barrelmen
by a score of 6-1.
But Brooks' Freezer Twins, they're hurting guys.
As we prepare you for more tournament action
happening all week at the Sudbury arena,
we begin today's broadcast with one of my favorite segments,
Get with the Program. Let's get you introduced
to the starting line-ups for tomorrow night's match-up
between the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
and the Charlottetown Reds, via their official tournament
program photos. Starting off with the host
Bulldogs captain, number 69, Shore.
I've spent some time with this fellow recently,
and if given the opportunity again,
I'd rather draw on my face with a box-cutter.
Would you look at him? That's a face only a mother
should've smothered. Next, we have number 4, Goodleaf.
A man with all the charm of a clogged toilet.
I've seen more charisma from stains on a dog bed.
Number 14, Hitchcock, who is now offering
to sit on your front porch on Halloween, for a small fee.
Number 3, JoDolo Diaby,
who looks like he enjoyed some of the Johnny Red Eye that day.
Number 10, JJ Frankie JJ,
who I just know is walking around with a bad wipe.
And finally, number 19, Michaels,
who sees the puck quite well for a guy
whose eyes are so close together.
Moving on to the Charlottetown
Reds from the province of Prince Edward Island.
Been hearing lots of chatter about how nice these guys are.
Let's meet 'em, ladies and gentlemen.
Here we've got starting goalie, number 30,
Ewen MacDonald. Who thinks this guy's ugly?
Ewen me both. Up next, we've got number 16, Murphy.
See, now this fella's eyes are a bit too far apart,
which is something that happens when Mommy
goes glug-glug, while fetus is still
snug as a bug in a rug. That's right, kids,
I'm talking about fetal alcohol syndrome.
Moving on to number 9, Smith,
the face of Prince Edward Island dental care.
Number 11, Kayden Campbell.
'Cause it wouldn't be a Canadian hockey team without a Kayden,
Hayden, Connor, or Cole. Number 27, Jackson Bernard.
Look at the forehead on this man.
Careful downtown after dark, Jackie boy.
Someone's gonna write "skoden" on that thing.
And finally, hockey player or Hallmark movie hunk?
My god. Rounding out the starting line-up
for the Charlottetown Reds is the man known as Gorgeous--
Gord Gallant. Thank you for your time today.
Thank you for your time, as well. It's been a pleasure.
Just a couple more questions for you.
How do you like your chances this week?
Well, it's an honor to be here with the best teams
in the country and we believe we've earned our place
among them. We're here 'cause no one can out work us.
We're confident we can continue to win that way.
- Why the Reds? - Prince Edward Island
has the red sand and the red fox,
and Anne of Green Gables' hair is also red.
- Thanks. - That's it?
- That's it. - Professional duties concluded?
- Clocking out. - You're off the clock?
Just in time for gin o'clock.
I didn't wanna cross any professional boundaries
while you're at work, but if you're off now...
- I'm seeing someone. - Ah, I figured.
Thanks again.
Well, I hope he's kind, gentle, and compassionate.
Nope.
Shoresy, c'mere.
Fer what?
You're doing a quick hit for BROdude.
Well, a little heads up would've been nice.
Cut the lip, slut.
You're familiar with Anik Archambault?
- BROdude. - She's so hot.
She's a bit young but...
Good to go?
Shoresy, gonna be an idiot out there
for our audience tonight? - Probably.
Anik Archambault here with the man who needs
no introduction to our audience.
Shoresy, what's the Bulldogs' game plan
for the Charlottetown Reds tonight?
Well, we know these guys love hard work.
That's all we've been hearin' about 'em for the last week.
So, that and how fuckin' nice they are, so...
Wait, can I swear on here? - Fuck no.
You know, it's like they want me to fuck one of them,
so many people telling me how nice they are, but...
You know, we gotta come out hard and fast here.
Show 'em we're here to compete. And when they come out hard,
we'll come out harder. So, you know, we stick
to our game plan out there. Keep it simple.
Do the little things right. And, uh...
think we'll come out with a W. - Thanks, Shoresy.
You bet.
- Bad? - Wow.
I know. How many hockey clichés
can you fit into one interview? - He was good.
- Really? - Well, Shoresy's never
been short on words.
I think we've got something here.
Gentlemen, good luck out here tonight. All the best.
Wanted to let you know we brought a ton of fresh
Atlantic lobster as a gift to the hosts.
We're good anytime. Just let-- - What the fuck are you doin'?
- What? - Get the fuck outta here.
- Buddy... - Why are you still fuckin' here
talkin' to me? You're trying to be my buddy?
- Come on. - He wants to be my buddy, Jim.
- Yeah. - Jim?
- Yes. - Jim?
Gotta think there's more to it than the lobster.
- Get the fuck outta here. - Relax.
What's the matter with this guy? - I tell it to ya once.
- Unbelievable. - This is how I tell ya
the next fuckin' time! - Cut the shit!
- Get the fuck outta here. - Get the fuck out!
- Cut the shit! - Get the fuck outta here!
Get outta here! - What are you gonna do?
Only you could almost start a warm-up brawl
with the nicest guy in hockey.
I don't care how fuckin' nice he is.
Shoresy, way to drag your team into the fight.
Yep. That's how ya sets the tone, b'y.
I don't care how fuckin' nice they are.
Why's he talkin' to me about fuckin' supper before the game?
Have you ever had a Malpeque oyster?
- So good. - Shoresy, where's Frankie been?
- Frankie? Huh? - Yeah. Where's he been?
Well, it's maple syrup season in Quebec.
- He's been gone all week. - Well, maple leaf sandwich
cookies are pretty good. - Just got in this afternoon.
Well, maple-glazed apple blondies are pretty good.
- Boys are gonna be buzzin'. - They'll be all over us.
Gotta wear 'em down with the body.
We'll give 'em the lumber.
Your line's starting.
Fuck's sake.
What? Oh.
Give him an option!
Hey Ref, time out!
Not gonna say anything, Sanger?
Catch your fuckin' breath.
Well, we can't lose the first game of the fuckin'
tournament, boys. Gotta match that effort
and find that gear. My line? - Shoresy's line.
Let's go. Frankie, centre.
All right, Gord. Let's go, Gord.
Let's play hockey, Gord. Let's battle.
Fuck is that?
What the fuck is that? 19 you're goin' for two.
He fuckin' slashed me. Fuck's sakes!
You want the rough or the slash?
- That's horseshit. - Get him a doctor.
Check him out. Check his ovaries.
There ya go, Fishy! There ya go, Fishy!
On the board here, boys. Let's keep'er goin' here now!
Attaboy, JoDolo!
JoDolo like ya don't know.
Get the lead here, boys. Let's pad it.
Let's pad that fuckin' lead!
There's Goody! There's Goody!
Everyone on the scoresheet here, boys. Everyone chippin' in.
Two goal lead's the worst lead in hockey, boys!
Who wants the next one, boys?
Who's fuckin' gettin' it?
The Jims with the dagger.
Jims with the fuckin' dagger! Nice work, Jims!
Shoresy, bit of a rocky start for the Bulldogs,
but you were able to claw your way back.
What changed after the first Reds' goal?
Well, you know, the first rule of playoff hockey
is don't get too high, don't get too low.
So, you know, I think it was the right time
for Sanger to call a timeout there, get the boys refocused
and obviously we went out and potted one right after.
Never looked back. So, he's a good coach.
Looked like you and nice guy, Gord Gallant,
were having words in warm-up. What happened there?
I think he was trying to fuck me.
Ooh, what did you say?
You have to be a lot nicer than that.
- Thanks, Shoresy. - You bet.
Fascinating.
Yeah, he really doesn't give a shit, huh?
I think he's good on camera if he can shoot from the hip.
Fucking useless if you ask him to read, though.
Yeah, we've got something here.
You got a rowdy booster club, eh?
Looks like the fuckin' NOSHO
runner-ups just fuckin' ran 'em up.
Runners-up.
Well, boys,
two outta three perfect periods ain't too bad.
Michaels, you get the game stick.
You're early.
If you're not ten minutes early...
- You're late. - I'm sorry,
I had to pee so bad.
- Why is Michaels here? Huh? - He's... he's gonna MC.
- He's rapping? - Oh, my God!
- Master of Ceremonies. - What it do, what it does.
Are you guys ready to give back to the community?
I love doing charity work, Nat.
Shut the fuck up, Michaels, ya fuckin' doink.
This is the first seminar of the week,
and it is going to be a great one.
Let's set the tone in here now.
We've got the captain of the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs, the three alternate captains,
and the best goalie in the NOSHO.
- Aw, Nat, thanks. - And the subject
of today's seminar is nutrition.
- Yes! - Nutrition?
What about it?
- What about what? - Nutrition.
- All about it. - Just like food groups
and carbs and fats and all that? - Settle down.
No, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
My three favorite meals. Heh-heh.
These kids are nine, dude.
All about nutrition in here, boys.
Big day for nutrition in here now.
It was a joke, guys.
That breakfast, lunch, and dinner are my three favorite meals.
There's only three meals in a day.
- Michaels, shut the fuck-- - We just gotta tell 'em
what we has for breakfast? - Don't complicate this.
These kids look up to you. Just tell them what you do
to prepare for a game, and they'll eat it right up.
- Ooh, nice pun, Nat. - Put in the time,
give the kids a thrill, and wrap it up.
We've gotta get ready for the Italians.
I heard they're real fast.
If they're Italians, they're fast.
- Is that racist? - Probably.
You guys ready? - I think so.
All right, I'm bringing them in.
I'm so hungry and now we have to talk about food.
What are Cory and Liam doing here?
We're counselors at the hockey school.
Those kids are gonna be awful.
Is this all that's coming?
You're senior whale crap hockey players. No one cares.
Everybody grab a seat. - This is it?
Get started.
Okay, welcome, everyone, to today's nutrition seminar.
As many of you know, my name is Mark Michaels.
Okay. Uh, why don't we introduce ourselves?
Michaels just tell 'em what you have for breakfast.
Well, uh, the most important thing about hockey
is how you prepare. - No, the most important
thing in hockey is winning. - Shoresy.
Michaels, just tell 'em what you have for breakfast.
We got the Italians tomorrow. - Well, oddly enough, guys,
I'm starting a new thing so-- - Hitch, whaddaya have
for breakfast? - Eggs.
- Sick. - Eggs are nice.
Why are you telling us what you had for breakfast?
Doesn't he have to raise his hand first--
- Raise your hand, please? - Yes, and your name?
- Doesn't matter. - Why are you telling us
what you had for breakfast?
Just giving you some nutrition tips.
Eggs for breakfast isn't a tip.
- Eggs are unbelievable. - Just there's gonna be
some other tips comin'. Stuff you probably
haven't thought about. - Goody, how do you cook your eggs?
- My girlfriend cooks 'em. - Must be nice.
How does she cook them? - Over easy.
- Over easy's nice. - Eggs on toast is pretty good.
- Oh yeah. - Pretty gangster.
- Yep. - Are they trolling us right now?
Michaels, let's try this again.
Whaddaya have for breakfast? - Well, I'm actually doing
a new thing called intermittent fasting.
Dolo, whaddaya have for breakfast?
Oh yeah, a little scramby? Lil scrambo?
Their parents paid 65 bucks for this.
You uh, put anything in those eggs, Dolo?
Ooh, cheese. Okay, but stay away from cheese
in the pre-game.
Cheese can go either way on ya, b'ys.
What the frig is happening here?
Probably just wanna stick with some peppers,
maybe some onions, little bit of ham.
- Ham's nice. - That's a Denver omelette.
- No, that's a Western omelette. - It's the same thing.
- Are they? - Yeah.
What do you think of that tip, Cor?
- What tip? - Just guys, be careful
with the stoves, okay? - You think they're making
their own breakfast? They're nine.
- Their moms do it. - Or their dads.
All right, Michaels, you ready to play ball?
I stop eating from 6 p.m. to 12 noon,
so technically my first meal's lunch, so it's--
Whaddaya have for lunch?
- I'm more of a fruit guy but-- - You said it, not me.
The kids loved him.
Michaels? Shoresy.
Shoresy? - Yep, all three of 'em.
I'd love to see that audience grow.
You've got two more seminars with him?
One is a webinar.
Maybe just let him focus on hockey.
He didn't have his strongest game
against the Charlottetown Reds. - He sucked.
- He didn't suck. - 4-1 win and he was minus one.
- He's hurt. - Yeah, they're all hurt.
Frankie might be our only healthy guy.
But Shoresy always finds a way to contribute.
We can always count on him for that.
We need him focused on the Italians.
If they're Italian, they're gonna be fast.
Is that racist? No.
We'll need to keep an eye out for Sly Sylvestri.
He'll be bringin' it. - Bringing what?
The lumber.
Hey, Gordy! Gordo!
Hey, how long does that crab stay good?
What? - Will it stay good
four or five days 'til the tournament's over?
- What are you-- - Huh?
- What do you want? - Well, I wanna eat up
all that crab you brought. Drink some beers.
- It was lobster. - You said crab.
- No, I didn't. - I was sure you said crab.
Well, then you weren't listening.
Was really looking forward to that crab, Gord.
Look, I don't know what lobsters eat,
but if you need some food to keep 'em good
for a little while, I'll see if I can find some food.
Let's eat it up once the tournament's over.
Drink some beers.
But if you can get some crab brought in...
Fuckin' loser.