[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com
[cell door slams]
[snorting]
[guard] Let's go! Move it!
[exhales heavily]
-Bye, Nana! -[Nana] What?
New year, new chapter.
This is so much better than the shit you was bringing in.
One month in and you're already bragging?
It's good shit.
We could expand our market.
Sell it to Florida and those Cunt-Blockers.
Whoa there, Chapo. We're back on Barb's good side.
We can't even keep up with demand on our side.
You wanna start selling in enemy territory?
I don't see enemies, I see customers.
[Daddy scoffs]
Let's tend our own garden for now. Okay?
-This is gonna work, right? -Mmm.
No money, no more.
She needs to enter the numbers and it goes straight onto her card.
It's all there. Except the gratuity.
-This I'm gonna give you now, in person. -Mmm.
[both chuckle]
All right, girls, get your bounce on!
Whoo! Get loose! Get your bounce on!
Okay, we're gonna do a top rock. And where we gonna go?
Out, in. Out, in.
And out. In, out.
We're gonna do a hinge. On hinge, we're gonna go up and down!
Pull yourself up off the ground.
This class ain't handicap accessible.
[Brock] Oh, yeah! Kick, kick, switch, kick!
Oh. Come on!
-[all chanting] Badison! Badison! Badison! -Still can't hear you.
-Badison! Badison! Badison! Badison! -[chuckles]
Hurry, hurry, hurry! No, wait.
[exclaims]
That don't count. Do it again.
No, we're just scrimmaging.
And I'm just calling the moves. Again!
You're right.
You wanna get better? I applaud that.
Okay, let's go!
Toosh!
[inmates laughing]
Boom! [laughing]
Luschek, we need the ladder again.
Look, I can keep picking up the phones and shit,
but my dance is my art, okay? I feel exploited and unappreciated.
[McCullough on walkie-talkie] Luschek, do you copy?
Find someone else.
Yeah, I fucking copy. Shut up.
McCullough! Open the door.
What's up?
[McCullough] Oh...
Shut up.
What? I'm the ladder bringer, not the ladder climber.
Is this really the only ball in this entire prison?
Shit. There was, like, six more in the Rec closet. Why didn't I think of that?
Probably other things on your mind.
This one still needs to come down. Up you go, Chapman.
What? Seriously?
Well, I don't trust her. Or anyone.
[Badison] Go get 'em, roomie!
Are those like the ones in Back to the Future?
Damn straight. Also bought the hoverboard.
Even though the hoverboard's kind of bullshit,
'cause it doesn't actually hover.
Now I'm saving up for the DeLorean.
How'd you get to be rich Marty McFly all of a sudden?
Does Rec pay extra? 'Cause if it does, I need in.
Thought you were Lyfting.
Turns out passengers don't like it when you cry while driving.
Yeah, well, Rec pays shit.
[grunting]
If you wanna make money,
gotta win the pot at the end of the Fantasy Inmate rainbow.
Fantasy Inmate's over, Luschek.
Nobody scored any points since the blocks got separate yard times.
Except for Alvarez.
He's fuckin' Moneyballing that shit on minor infractions.
There is a real kickball field out there.
No shit.
We could be skidding on grass instead of concrete.
Know how much of my uniform I've had to pick out of my skin?
Ground's frozen. Probably harder out there than in here.
But there is sun and air.
And a glimpse of trees, way in the distance.
But the field's not properly secured, all right?
-And there's this gopher problem-- -We could play a real game out there.
C-Block versus D-Block. It could be very motivational.
Look, I'm already doing a lot. Even by other people's standards.
I can't believe Gapman and I actually agree on something.
But I gotta say, this is some super smart, genius-level shit.
Let's fuck some bitches up! [chuckles]
She means that in a strictly non-combative, healthy way.
[Badison] Yo, ladies, how about we play those D-bitches and show 'em who's boss?
[inmates] Yeah!
The answer is me, by the way. I'm boss.
[chuckles] It has been an entire month with no violent incidents,
-so you've earned it, ladies! -Yes!
-We're gonna destroy them! -Yeah!
Yeah, hey!
[laughs]
Are you crazy? Do you wanna start another riot?
It's not a riot when they're fighting each other.
[laughs boisterously]
[Gloria] Vida.
You wanna get something to eat?
I got takeout.
I meant real food.
[scoffs] That shit ain't real.
At least it's halfway warm, and we could sit at a table and eat.
Come on. We can't live our lives hiding from these bitches.
I'm sick of being in my room all day.
[in Spanish] You think I'm not?
[in English] These bitches push my buttons,
they gonna push the one where I push back.
[in Spanish] And I can't get beat up again...
'cause I maybe got a baby in here.
Girl, please. It's all the junk you've been eating.
[in English] Yeah, well, we all gotta have a dream to hold on to.
You know, you were much happier when you had someone to grind.
That was good exercise. Now, I'm stuck on my bunk,
reading old magazines, doing toe-stretches.
Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.
Fine. Let's go.
Gracias.
-May we sit here? -That would be wonderful.
-Taken, by my ass. Literally. -[Eckelcamp laughs]
Oh, these are taken.
They look pretty empty to me.
This is where my spirit animal sits. And this is where my--
CO, you see that? She hit me over the head with a tray.
-Bitch! -Gloria! Gloria!
That's a shot, Mendoza!
And clean this shit up.
I used to do this back in my waitressing days.
Now, let's see if it still works with these new bottles.
-Ta-da! -Oh, my God!
It's like St. Joseph of Cupertino, but with diet soda.
Is this, like, some kind of a carbonation thing?
That's for me to know and you to wonder.
All right, how 'bout this?
Watch me pull a coin out of my pocket.
[chuckles] It ain't magic, but here.
It's a 30-day sober chip.
I know they take away the real one after the meeting,
so I made you one to keep. Congratulations.
It has been hard as fuck. Thank you.
Hey, Deitland. I'll take my things.
And, whatever these girls want to order, you can put it on my tab.
Ah! Barb, you spoil us.
What'd I tell you about this joint, huh? You got, uh, free magic shows, open bar.
Like visiting my Uncle Pete's house, minus the, you know, bad touching.
Well, I knew you'd come around to the mob life eventually.
I haven't come around to anything.
I'm just helping her stay sober. That's all.
Hello, Deitland. Can I please have last week's order?
Nichols, Nicky.
And for next week, uh... three Honey Buns, please.
-And I will take five bags of Cheetos. -Hmm.
Healthy mama, healthy baby.
Well, at least mine has trace amounts of calcium.
What does yours have?
Oh, it has me, licking the honey out of the buns.
Oh, you know, also I enjoy licking, uh, honey out of pots.
If you happen to know any honey pots in the area,
I'd love to lick them.
[Lorna] You know what? If you was a man and you was on the outside,
you'd be having a real hard time right now.
'Cause I read they're cracking down on this sexy talk.
Like, for real. It's gonna be illegal.
Which I think is a pity 'cause I always found it very flattering.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's all meant in the, uh, spirit of flattery,
and not in the spirit of being the worst kind of misogynistic pig.
Caramel, karamel. It's all how you wanna see things.
Now, speaking of the worst kind of person,
I hear Carol has a new best friend,
and her name is Red. And they are like this.
Who told you that?
Hey, I also ordered three Noxzemas.
All out. Had a huge C-Block order.
Oh! Motherfucking, titty-sucking, two-ball bitch!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Hey, I like the minty sting of Noxzema as much as the next gal.
I am a child of the '90s after all, but maybe we're lacking perspective here.
It's not the Noxzema. It's Carol. She bought it all to spite me.
Oh, okay. So, first she tries to kill you, then she buys up all the Noxzema.
She is really upping the stakes.
Okay, okay. I know it sounds stupid. I get that.
But these simple luxuries, they are all we have in here.
She is not gonna quit bullying me until I'm dead, you know.
[upbeat music playing]
So, how'd he take it?
[sighs] He was devastated, obviously.
God, Carol, I can't believe I have to leave him. He's the one.
Really? The one?
He's my soul mate. He gets me.
Okay, no, he gets in your pants.
And as soon as you're gone, he's gonna get into Pearl Peterman's pants,
where he's gonna shuck her oyster and suck it raw.
What the fuck, Carol?
Don't be such a precious little Barbie doll. You know it's true.
You're just pissed 'cause no one here will even miss you.
You don't know shit about my shit, so don't take it out on me.
It's not my fault we keep moving. It's that fucking little cunt.
[announcer over PA] Up next, our own Debbie Denning!
This is Debbie's last meet here in West Virginia,
as she's been accepted to train
at Trudy's Gymnastics Institute in Plano, Texas.
Go get 'em, Debbie!
[audience applauding]
[groans] I could kill her.
Oh, we could, you know, if we wanted to.
Jesus, Carol.
Oh, you're such a sicko.
And her boobs are not even accurate, mostly 'cause she doesn't have any.
Okay, well, the body's better on this one. Look, I even did some perspective.
Poison?
Glass shards in her Yoplait.
That's too obvious.
It'd have to look more like an accident.
And you'll have to burn that book.
This what you want me to read?
"You don't know me, but I know you. And I want me a taste inside you."
It's a haiku for your Missed Connections segment.
Woman, we ain't got no Missed Connections segment.
And even if we did, it wouldn't be for no porny haikus that don't rhyme.
It does rhyme.
You just didn't read it right. And you can find yourself another phone.
All right, all right. All right! Come.
I'll read it once I get back from my hiatus.
And I'm just gonna say this. You cannot rhyme "you" with "you."
It's the same word and that's not a rhyme.
I heard the other blocks are having a kickball championship.
That's a land mine waitin' to get stepped on.
Some D-Block ladies near the pill line
said there used to be a legendary player here back in the day.
Had arms that could catch anything.
Even tattooed an octopus on her neck.
That ain't me.
And to be clear, this tattoo predated my incarceration.
[chuckles] Okay. Well, I told them that I was really proud to be your roomie, so--
Suzanne...
listen to me.
You can't talk to the blues and khakis. You understand?
They're dangerous.
We've won a valuable spot in here.
Everybody wants to be a Pink Lady...
[chuckles]
...and they'll go as far as to kill you to take your place.
Kill me? Why me?
Because... they pick off the newest arrivals first.
Well, but you came in after me.
And you don't see me interacting with any of them, do you?
And her?
Oh, she's been warned.
If she chooses to ignore it, I can't save her.
Hey, Suzy Cakes. You finally ready to come on out today?
-You shouldn't go out there. -Oh, yes, I should.
This is about that time where
the walking dead becomes the shitting dead.
Do you think it has anything to do with, like,
the time they take those fiber chewies?
[scoffs] Whatever it is, I ain't gonna be here.
Frieda says that it's dangerous.
Don't be listening to that Octopussy scare you.
You know what? That's senior abuse.
I think it goes the other way. Like, adults abusing seniors.
Nuh-uh. Nope. I've seen that shit before.
There was this fat, old Mexican lady
that used to live next door to our trailer,
and whenever we'd be too loud,
or just, you know, be knocking each other up or some shit,
she'd come walking over and she'd sit on me.
She'd bounce and sit and scream, "Tortilla! Tortilla!"
And I don't like tacos 'cause of her.
Except I do like those Del Taco crunchy tacos. Those are dope.
But I know senior abuse when I see it. And I just saw it.
No, no, no. It is not like that.
Besides, I promised Mabel that I would play Rummikub with her later.
See... I'm an important member of this community.
Yeah, I once did community service,
and it ended with them pissing in my yellow drink.
[cell phone ringing]
Joe. Joe Caputo here.
[woman] Hi. Hello, Mr. Caputo.
Ah, yes, hi. Is this Mary from Get Ahead Head Hunters?
This is about Tasha Jefferson.
Who is this?
She didn't do it.
Look into the stormtroopers.
The hell does that even mean?
[groans]
Come on, man. Look into the assholes that came into the prison
with the guns and the Terminator attitudes.
They ain't telling the truth.
How did...
How's the Chocolate Chip Nookie?
I'm not gonna lie. It's a little chalky.
You know not eating causes your brain to break down its own neurons?
Hey, Luschek, my man!
You guys still doing the shakes?
You know not eating makes you stupid, right?
[laughs]
I literally just said that.
Yeah, it's all in the delivery.
Well, your commish isn't actually delivering much of anything.
He hasn't updated the Fantasy Inmate app in eight days.
Relax. This place is a ghost town. There's nothing happening.
I clocked a lesbian encounter two days ago. Every point counts.
Oh. Who was it?
It was Daddy and Diaz. Daddy's mine.
[groans] I'm bored just spanking it out to those two anyways.
Christ, Stefanovic, how many times I gotta tell you
to respect my girlfriend's daughter?
Sorry, boss. I keep forgetting. It's just weird, you know?
You know she killed Humps. And now you're humping her mother.
It's not weird. Her mother is crazy smokin' hot.
[Alvarez] You guys, this is important.
Points are extremely hard to come by in the current peaceful climate.
So when they are achieved, they need to be tallied.
Therefore, I've taken the liberty of updating everyone's current status.
Luschek, all you have to do is input these numbers into your system.
You're the only one who has any points.
We need to reinstate mixed yard time, for serious.
Trust me, I would love to, but Fig gives the orders and I follow.
Well, actually, I kinda have a loophole for that.
I was gonna tell you guys at happy hour, but--
What? You guys go to happy hour?
What if we fix the old field
and have ourselves an inter-block kickball championship?
Oh, this could be a disaster.
I know. Yeah. And I got six girls playing, too.
A punch here, a hair-pull there. Ka-ching!
I love the initiative. Run with it, buddy.
Well, actually, I was kinda hoping somebody else could do it.
I'm sort of swamped with other Rec stuff.
Why don't you cancel that stupid dance class, you know?
Buy yourself a little extra time.
Nah. That's fine.
The ladies love that class, so...
I can do it.
You all see that? That is a true humanitarian.
[Luschek] Hey!
Where do you guys go for happy hour?
-Hey! -[laughs]
Okay. Badison. All right. Okay.
[shrieks]
Hey. So I'm thinking, why don't we play a round? Have some fun.
This ain't supposed to be fun. D-Block is coming for us, Gapman.
So you better get back in there and take a hit.
[McCullough] Ladies, time to pack up.
You're late. D-Block's already waiting.
[inmate yelling indistinctly]
[Maria] We the team that is devout!
[Tawney] Exercise those demons out!
God won't pitch what you can't take!
Make those bitches bleed and ache! One, two.
[all hooting]
We're gonna need some performance-enhancing steroids.
-You have any? -No. You?
What do you think?
I think we're fucked.
Try it. I was going for a piña colada feel.
[Red] Hmm.
-[grunts] -[laughs]
It smells like coconut, but it tastes like soap.
You gotta leave a smidge of shampoo in there for aroma.
Also for the guards, in case they check.
-Well, aren't you full of tricks. -When you're gonna die in here,
you learn how to keep yourself entertained.
Life sentence, huh?
Well, it was 25 years at first.
But you can thank your friend, Frieda, for the extra 30.
That squealing little rat.
No, no. She got bopped in the beezer again.
It would just be mean.
If you really wanna be mean, you should pretend to be nice first.
That's what the Barbs of the world do. Here, watch this.
Hey, Dweebly Dums, you heard the news?
About the kickball championship?
Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but...
I overheard the guards talking.
Looks like you're getting out early for good behavior.
Oh, my God! I have to call Pop-Pop!
Thank you so much!
[both chuckle]
I'm conflicted about wanton cruelty, but...
it's strangely reinvigorating.
Told you. Sport mindfucking is exciting.
No, I mean... I feel like me.
The last few years, whenever I needed to defend myself,
or to take justice into my own hands,
everybody got on my case.
Told me to be nicer, to be better.
Evolve, Red, evolve.
Fuck evolve. What about survive?
That's right. People like us, we gotta say what we mean.
I don't like you, I'll tell you. And that is worth something.
Not like Barb, who's always the good girl, the victim.
That's all bullcrap.
Nice people, they're full of shit.
Like human M&M's.
But their insides are shit, not chocolate.
I have plans. Make Carol do it!
Mom, you already told me I could go out tonight.
Oh, please. Who are you gonna go out with, the chess club?
You're not the only person who has a life here!
-[Robbie] Everybody, shut it. -I am.
You're both taking care of Debbie tonight.
But you said we would release my tadpoles tonight.
We have to meet with Coach Emery to discuss your transitional training.
You do realize that we're doing this for you, right?
Now, please, practice your pirouettes and then go straight to bed. [sighs]
You two, finish packing. Moving van gets here at 11:00 tomorrow.
Okay. Well, I'm already done, so...
Haven't separated what's going in the Salvation Army pile.
The three of you will be sharing a closet.
What?
Does that mean I have to share a room with them? Both of them?
You know how much it's costing us to relocate?
Be grateful you have a bedroom.
Do we get to have bunk beds?
Oh, just shut up, Debbie!
Language!
[Barbara] Well, I'm not going.
Mrs. Howard said I could live with them
for the rest of the semester and graduate with everyone.
Barbara, does this look like a La Quinta Inn to you?
Do I look like a goddamn bellhop?
That's right.
You don't get to check in and out of this family whenever you please.
Yep. Debbie, heels up on the turn
and then point, point, point your way through the pirouette.
We'll be back by 10:00.
They're such dicks.
My tadpoles are gonna die if we don't release them.
Okay, nobody gives a fuck about your tadpoles.
Carol, no! Barb, Barb, do something!
Carol, don't be such a monster.
If she wants to release her tadpoles tonight,
we should take her.
[chuckles softly]
[cell phone ringing]
Hey, babe, can't talk. I'm mid-stakeout.
Okay, please don't use that word.
"Stakeout" or "babe"?
Both. And I said you could look at the coroner's report, not take it.
I can't make heads or tails of it anyway.
I need to talk to this Herrmann guy.
And then what? Make a citizen's arrest based on a prank call?
No. I'm gonna try the dumb and friendly approach.
See if I can bait him into saying something incriminating.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Hey, worked for Columbo.
Okay, putting aside the fact that Columbo was a fictional character--
A well-rounded and delightfully written fictional character.
Columbo had a theory to prove.
You, on the other hand, got nada. Shots in the dark.
Exactly.
And this Herrmann guy may know who shot what in that darkness.
I mean, look at him. He even looks shady.
I bet he thinks 'cause he's a cop
he can get away without paying for his coffee.
Never mind. He just paid.
And he's leaving a tip.
Whatever. He still looks shady.
I gotta go.
Oh, well...
Hey, man. Or should I say, Herrmann? [chuckles]
Do I know you?
Right, you probably don't recognize me with actual clothes on.
And I shaved the mustache.
But it's me, Caputo. Former Litchfield warden?
Oh. Yeah.
You come here often? I just... I love this place.
The place is shit.
But the chick that works here? Totally bangable.
[Caputo chuckles]
She's really bangable.
I mean, hey, I'm not gonna bang her,
but I really hope you get to.
Okay. Well, have a good one.
Uh, wait. Uh...
You know what? It's a relief to see people
that went through what we went through, you know? It's...
It's like we're comrades in arms. That night was so intense and...
It was violent.
Didn't you spend it sitting in an air-conditioned RV unit
-with those two chicks? -[laughs] True.
But I was with you in spirit, you know?
And plus, I was the one who told you guys about the pool, remember?
Yeah. Well, thanks.
Hey, listen, um...
When you went in that night, where did you first see Desi Piscatella?
What are you doing? You trying to interrogate me or something?
No.
Uh...
I'm just trying to understand what went on in there.
-I mean, for me, I'm-- -You come near me again
and I'll get a restraining order.
Just one more thing...
Eight-three-zero-two-eight.
And how do I link it to my debit card again?
My God, I have to explain this every time?
It ain't my fault this shit's so complicated. [sighs]
What the hell happened to cash while I was away?
I don't know, but you better get used to it.
Orders are flowing.
Matter of fact, we need you to pack more.
Are you crazy? You wanna get caught? [scoffs]
Besides, those lids are packed tighter than my asshole on Christmas morning.
You stuck something up your butt on Christmas?
Butt sex was on top of Cesar's wish list, okay?
We all honor the birth of baby Jesus in our own way.
[Nana] Aleida, honey, I'm still waiting on that tea you offered!
[Aleida] That's because I didn't fucking offer!
Who's that?
Hopper's Nana. But don't worry,
I got that passive-aggressive old bag taken care of.
Look. Cesar's already acting like a little bitch
about what he's selling us. I don't think he'll do more.
What does Cesar care?
He's sitting in prison doing nothing and he's still getting his cut.
Well, let's just say he ain't too happy
about me smuggling the shit in through Hopper.
He has no right to be jealous.
He stuck his dick into anything that jiggled his way.
And don't your jiggly ass know it.
Anyway, now he's all like,
"At least I ain't fucking no guard and swallowing his little guard swimmers."
And I had to be like,
"Yo, don't you remember, pendejo, I don't fucking swallow."
Ugh. Just-- Please, stop. You wanna get the kids back or no?
[Nana knocks at door] Honey, why won't my door open?
Aleida, honey!
Aleida!
-You know what? -[Nana] Open this damn door.
Maybe I could squeeze a couple more grams in.
[Nana] Aleida! Aleida, let me out!
I didn't want her to, but I didn't want her to have my--
Hey, uh, can you give us a sec?
Should I put a sock on the door?
What do you want?
Haven't seen you in class.
Bet you miss someone doing your job for you.
Come on, Mendoza.
You were a great inmate instructor. You were having fun.
It's all fun and games
until someone offers to shiv out your thyroid.
Wait. That happened?
Hmm. No. You don't get to act surprised.
I told you that these bitches were out of control
and you didn't do shit.
You're right.
I should've done more. I'm sorry.
But I think I know a way to help you now.
Like, for real this time. Scout's honor.
You and I both know you weren't a Scout.
And if you had been, all you would have gotten
is a "Pitching a Tent in Your Pants" badge.
[laughs sarcastically]
I kinda miss you making me feel like shit.
Yeah, me too.
-Bye. -Okay, yeah. Good talk, though.
[Gloria] Mmm-hmm.
[under breath] Fuck.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
I don't know. This doesn't look like the best place to recruit athletes.
We need to look under every rock.
Even the old and disabled rocks.
Uh, your, uh... camp friends are waving at you.
Well, friends might be a stretch, but here goes.
Ladies.
Heya.
Don't talk to her. She might not come in peace.
Oh, no, but I do.
In fact, I have an offer for some extra outdoor time
in the form of a fantastic game of kickball.
Do either of you play?
-Is that like kick the can? -Not at all.
Whatever. Anything to get out of here. [clears throat]
I swear, every seat I touch is smeared in menthol or pudding.
At least, I hope it's pudding.
There you go.
Hey, how's Baby Dix?
It's not safe to talk about Baby Dix here.
I meant the bear.
I know what you meant.
Why are you being so weird? No one even knows, you know.
I know. I just can't help but feeling like everybody's looking at us.
[scoffs] No one's looking at us. Trust me.
They haven't gotten their glasses fixed since, like, 1972.
And that one right there? See her?
[scoffs] She thinks I'm the robot girl from Small Wonder.
Huh! I could see that.
[scoffs]
Hey. I'm proud of you for leaving him.
You did leave him, right? He's alive somewhere?
Yeah, he's alive. Somewhere.
Sometimes I wish we could've just kept on going.
Being back here? Not so great.
Yeah. Tell me about it.
I don't do outdoors. Real or fake.
Wait, you don't go out into the yard?
[scoffs] Once was enough for me.
But you used to love that. Remember? You used to chase me around the track?
Yes. I remember, Dandelion, but things have changed.
-Oh. -I know not to trust people anymore.
And even though I still love you, because I will always love you,
I will not let you kill me to take my spot.
Suzanne... I'm not gonna hurt you in any way.
I promise.
And I'm certainly not interested in taking your place here.
I live next door to Alex now.
This place is so confusing.
Well, first, my friends become not my friends.
And then I'm given a color that other colors wanna fight,
and it's not the kind of color-fighting that has to do with race.
But it's also not the color-fighting that has to do with washable paints.
So what kind of fighting is it?
You don't have to worry about colors.
Blues and khakis have beef with each other,
but not with any of you.
Pinks are safe out there.
-Really? -Mmm.
Wait.
Even for new recruits?
You know what I think?
I think that fresh air and exercise
help to clear the mind.
But technically, he didn't say anything incriminating.
It's not what he said. It was his attitude.
Well, what would your attitude be
if someone came to your preferred coffee shop
and started asking you questions about a dead guy?
Oh, I don't know. Helpful?
You are so naive.
No, I am not. Everybody else is being naive.
There's something fishy here.
-Then tell the investigators. -I did.
-And? -They told me to fuck off.
Why are we making the bed before sleeping in it, anyway?
'Cause you couldn't be bothered to do it earlier.
Well, I had a busy afternoon, okay?
Had to meet with Taystee's lawyer.
The trial's next week
and they need to find a medical examiner that can figure out what CERT is hiding.
Stop. I cannot hear any of this.
You know it's a conflict of interest.
I'm asking you to take off your warden hat for a minute
and put on your girlfriend hat.
Did you just say "girlfriend"?
You're missing the point.
[sighs] Fine. What did Taystee's lawyer say?
She told me to stop tampering with the witnesses.
No kidding. You're gonna Columbo yourself right into a mistrial.
You have any idea how it's gonna look if those guys testify against her?
Who's the jury gonna believe? Look, I know Taystee didn't do it.
And I know you know. Tell me you know.
You wanna make a difference, Joe?
Let the lawyers do their job and join the PR front instead.
People will listen to the former warden. Flip the script.
Change the conversation from whether or not Jefferson's a murderer
to whether or not MCC's negligence incited the riot to begin with.
[chuckles]
Wait. Is the warden really telling me to shit on her prison?
Interim warden.
And just so we're clear, I'm not that kind of girlfriend
who's gonna sacrifice her career for your happiness.
I am just saying all this to fuck with Linda.
You are my girlfriend.
-You are so my girlfriend. -Shut up. Shut up.
-You are so my girlfriend!
Hey, thanks for swapping me out.
Don't mention it. Like, seriously. [shushes]
[Nicky sighs]
[inaudible]
Nicky, this is a nice surprise.
You look good as a blonde. What am I supposed to call you now?
Gorgeous. Let me look at you. Are you wearing eye makeup?
Nah. So, the mauve is more of a leftover bruise than a shadow.
-What happened? -I can't talk much.
Don't feel like adding more mauve to my face.
Is it the women in your block? Is it the guards?
It's your friend Carol and her fucking armada.
Don't be ridiculous.
You know what's ridiculous?
Me getting my face slammed in by a bunch of outdated law books
for helping Eyebrows get artificially inseminated.
Your mouth is making words that I can't understand.
But it doesn't matter.
This must be Madison's doing.
Jesus. She's like that idiot, Chevy Chase, from those Chevy Chase films.
What's so funny about always fucking everything up?
Sometimes it's like we're not even related.
Look, Carol's my friend.
I'll make sure her girls never mess with you again.
Women like Carol aren't looking to be your friend.
They're looking to use you. It's how they stay on top.
Don't lecture me about leaders using their people, Nicky.
I learned that way back when I was a kid from the Komsomol bosses.
But you know what else I've learned?
To trust people who are real. And Carol is real.
Okay, so you trust a woman who tried to kill her own sister?
Jesus! That was decades ago.
Oh. And the other one, last month.
Fake news. And all because Barb has to play the victim.
She can't own up to the fact that she's a junkie who did it to herself.
That wasn't an overdose. Somebody laced her shit.
I was there when they brought Barb into medical. I saw it.
Trust me, I would've heard about it if Carol was making a move on Barb.
Listen to you! Jesus!
Is this some kind of Stockholm syndrome
or you're cut from the same cloth?
You're the one defending Barb like a good little minion.
[scoffs] At least she's trying to become a better person, Red.
Maybe before you go judging others, you take a good hard look at yourself.
[scoffs]
I'm not in the mood to freeze my nuts off, so I'm gonna stay here.
Come on, Debbie.
You know, I'm real sorry about the move.
I told Mom I don't want to go either, but they don't care what I want.
You don't wanna go?
No. I like Coach Emery.
And I heard this girl talking about how the coaches at Trudy's
give the girls rubdowns after the meets. Like, everywhere.
Ugh.
Thanks for bringing me, Barb.
You know they're just gonna freeze, right?
No. They're wintering tadpoles, so they go into hibernation.
You know what? You're not so bad, kid.
-[screaming] -Carol! No! Wait!
Get in the car, Debbie! Hurry! Lock the doors!
Let go!
There's no button. There's no button.
I can't get out.
Let me out!
Barb, what are you doing?
[whimpers] Barb.
Barb, what are you doing?
-Barb, please! -I don't know what happened, Mommy.
I told Debbie to stay in the car.
Maybe she accidentally put the car in drive or something?
You know how much she liked to pretend-drive with Daddy.
Please! Please!
Carol! Please!
You're really gonna stick the landing this time, kid!
[Carol laughs]
[Debbie screaming]
Help me! Please, Barb! No, no, no, no, no!
Please, help me! Please, help, help, help!
[chuckles]
[humming "She's A Maniac"]
-Where are you taking me? -Hawaii. What do you think?
Sorry. Drinking my meals makes me cranky. I miss chewing.
You're getting transferred to D-Block.
You're lucky you have a friend in high places.
And clearly he was high when he came up with this shit.
Listen, those girls are gonna eat me alive.
Tell him thanks, but no thanks.
Yeah, I already filled out all the paperwork. So, no.
You lost your way, little lamb?
I just got transferred here, okay? I don't want any trouble.
Well, that's convenient.
Well, actually, no. But you see, those C-Block bitches,
they wanted to kick my ass back to Puerto Rico,
and there's still no electricity there, so...
Just think of me as a friendly refugee.
Mmm-mmm.
Oh, my God!
[grunts] Daya!
Hey, you know her?
You kidding? This is Gloria.
Oh, shit, my bad.
Little lady's been telling me all about you.
Lucky you.
Now you got your prison mommy and your prison daddy
all in the same block.
[Dayanara chuckles]
Yo, come sit with me.
[pounds on table]
You two, get up. This table's taken.
You... You see how I'm dismissed?
One day, I will once again walk tall with a machete in my hand
and then I will sit where I please.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
Yo, I haven't seen you in forever.
Yeah. It must be forever 'cause shit sure has changed, huh?
So I'm guessing you're top dog now?
It's eat or be eaten. I chose both.
You think this shit is funny? [scoffs]
Oh, no. Don't tell me you're gonna be all judgy and shit about it.
She's fun.
Oh, no, yeah, she... She seems like a real treat.
You never heard "gay for the stay"?
'Cause I'm gonna stay in here forever.
I'm not gonna lock up my box for the rest of my life.
I don't give a shit who you unlocking your box for.
I'm talking about you being high.
-I'm not high. -The fuck you're not!
Your pupils are as wide as fucking frying pans.
Pupils get like this when you're in withdrawal.
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
So you're doing so many drugs you actually going through withdrawal?
God.
Fuck. Why?
Shit. Why not?
-[Suzanne] Go, go, go! -[Piper] Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Zirconia] Out!
Dude! Fuckin' hit me in my ass with the ball!
That's allowed in kickball. It's in the rules. You're out.
[Pennsatucky] Eat shit, Gimpy.
Nicely done on the awesome Florida recruits, Gapman.
All right. Okay.
[exclaims]
The pitcher must have at least one foot on or behind the pitching strip at all times.
Wow.
Okay.
[all cheering]
Way to go, Suzanne!
[inmates cheering]
All right, switch out! Switch out, come on.
I wanna pitch.
No. Shruti's pitching. Oh, and also, you suck.
Once I caught a baby falling out of a tree.
-Why not give Doggett a shot? -'Cause I fucking said so.
Well, last we fuckin' checked, Chapman was captain.
-She should be. -Certainly fuckin' acts like it.
Well, it does seem that Chapman has the skill set and leadership qualities.
Everyone, shut the fuck up!
Nah, nah. Nah, it's cool. It's cool. I think they're right. Uh, we, uh...
We should vote for who's captain.
Let's see how popular you really are, Chapman.
You're saying that like it's an insult,
but really, that's just how you say my name.
Anyone who recognizes Badison as our one true leader, say aye.
[inmates] Aye!
[Pennsatucky] Anyone who's not crazy and actually wants to win,
and recognizes Chapman as our one true captain and leader, say aye.
-Aye! -[laughs]
This is bullshit. Fuckin' Florida always messes the vote.
All right, Doggett. Let's see what you got.
[blender whirring]
You know, I read the ingredients in that stuff.
It's all just crushed up cartilage and casein.
Casein is an ancient superfood in a modern packaging.
We're out, Hopper.
Ginger, you scoop the last scoop, you throw it out.
Like, if you use the last of the toilet paper, you change the roll.
It's common courtesy. Civil contract.
Sounds like someone's having roommate issues.
No. Besides the TP thing and the abusing Nana thing,
my roommate is searing perfection.
Good on you, Hopper. I'm glad you finally found someone.
It gets wearisome after a while, seeing virile young men like yourself
not able to connect with someone from the opposite sex.
To sustain a successful relationship,
you need to accept each other's faults, you know?
And love each other anyway.
And to see a stubborn goat like you
break through your inner walls of self-protection and judgment,
to really create a meaningful connection?
[Ginger sighs]
Almost feels like there's hope for the rest of us.
See you tomorrow, Romeo.
Well, how was it?
That's gonna give you an ear infection.
Just because we live together, does not mean I have to listen to you.
Ah.
This is how it starts, isn't it? First, they turn you against--
They?
Funny, I have never met "they."
Though I have met quite an array of people since being here.
Um, there's the drug-running kind, the robbering kind, the tax-evading kind.
There is the lying-behind-your-back kind, the liar-liar-pants-on-fire kind,
the kind that locks the princess in the tower for no good reason kind.
So many people, but "they"?
Yeah. I still don't know what kind of people "they" are.
The killing kind.
No one has tried to kill me today.
So...
Look... I'm sorry I tried to Flowers in The Attic you.
-[scoffs] -That was wrong, and you're right.
They don't wanna kill you. It's me they're after.
Guess I was afraid they'd figure out how to turn you.
Turn?
[scoffs] Me? Against you?
Well... you are my roommate
and you are susceptible.
No, I am not susceptible! I am not!
I am your friend.
Navigating adult female friendships is so complicated.
I hear you, sister.
[softly] Okay...
I promise I will let you know if someone asks me to murder you.
In fact, I could even be your spy on the outside.
No, I spy with my little eye...
Who are we looking for again, and why do they wanna kill you?
You ever heard of the Little Debbie Murderers?
Carol and Barb?
This was my claim to fame when I was waitressing at Domingo's.
Here we go. Barbie always has to be the center of attention.
[all gasping in surprise]
She puts a round piece of plastic and sticks it up against the lid.
Carol, you ruin all the fun.
[Carol] Mmm.
Speaking of Domingo's, I got a story for ya.
So it's post-game on a Friday, right? And our high school won
and everyone goes to Domingo's after the game, especially if you win.
So the place is packed, everybody's celebrating.
It's the whole fuckin' town, and in the middle of the chaos,
this guy at one of my tables asks me for the classifieds.
And I'm like, "Now?" [chuckles]
But I like his mustache, and he looks like he's a good tipper.
So I go out to the parking lot and I buy the paper and I bring it to him,
[stutters] and you know what he says?
He's like, "Miss, why are you bringing me the classifieds?
I asked for a glass of ice."
[all laugh]
Great story, Carol. Except, uh, that actually happened to me.
-No, it didn't. -Yeah, it did.
You know, life happens to other people, too, Barb.
Besides, you weren't waiting tables that night.
Exactly. 'Cause I was working the bar,
and that's where he was when he asked for the ice.
Which makes sense, because you order ice at the bar.
Well, I remember going out to get the paper
because I had to get change for it.
And it was so fuckin' cold, I was freezing my fuckin' tits off.
Now I know you're lying because you never had tits.
Sounded to me like it was Carol's story. What do you think?
I think we should walk away before we get caught up in their nonsense.
Why do you always do this?
Do what? Call out your bullcrap?
Bull-true!
-[snickers] -What?
Nothing. Just... You do like to exaggerate. So, you know...
Guess she agrees with me.
-I'll fuckin' kill you! -Carol, get off!
[all shouting]
Got so bad, they put them in separate blocks.
[Suzanne] Hmm.
And from there, those two started turning us against one another.
They expected us to buy into their fight. Take sides.
I wasn't gonna die over some stupid story.
Oh, uh...
I swiped this for you on my C-Block run today.
Yes! That's my girl. [laughs]
Thank you. Come on. Sit, Nicky.
Nah. Yeah, I should go.
Barb, I think she's right.
Relax, Daddy-O. Nicky's family.
[Barb pats bed]
Sit.
[clears throat]
Actually, I could use your brain on this one.
[Nicky] Mmm-hmm.
So, I have finally found a way to get Carol.
We're gonna do it while she's getting that bird's nest on her head trimmed.
The problem is, the hair clippers, they don't go deep enough.
-The scissors are dull... -Man.
...so we need some options.
Now personally, I prefer a heavy, blunt object, okay?
But shivs are easier to hide.
And considering all the other girls that are gonna be in there,
we need a few weapons handy. What do you think?
I... Look, Barb, you can't do this.
They're gonna throw you in the SHU.
Not if we grease the right palms.
Look, Barb, I'm telling you that this is too dangerous.
Nicky, honey, I have no choice.
You saw what she did to me. She will try it again.
There's gotta be another way.
Oh, what? What, you don't approve? Do you think I'm some kind of monster?
Come on. Of course not. All right? I just... [groans]
I'm concerned, that's all.
You know, in a weird way, this is all thanks to you, Nicky.
You helped me get sober.
I feel like I've...
I feel like I've woken from a long sleep.
Like the world is flush with possibilities now.
Ah. You're welcome.
♪ Sisters, sisters ♪
♪ There were never such devoted sisters ♪
♪ Never had to have a chaperone, no, sir ♪
♪ I'm here to keep my eye on her ♪
♪ Those who've seen us ♪
♪ Know that not a thing Can come between us ♪
♪ Many men have tried to split us up But no one can ♪
♪ Lord, help the mister Who comes between me and my sister ♪
♪ And Lord, help the sister ♪
♪ Who comes between me and my man ♪
♪ Sisters, sisters ♪
♪ Sister, don't come Between me and my man ♪