1 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,924 [cell door slams] 2 00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:10,051 [theme song playing] 3 00:00:10,075 --> 00:00:19,075 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 4 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,850 [cell door slams] 5 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:16,493 [cell door slams] 6 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:38,389 [snorting] 7 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,644 [guard] Let's go! Move it! 8 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:46,022 [exhales heavily] 9 00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,349 -Bye, Nana! -[Nana] What? 10 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,906 New year, new chapter. 11 00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:06,436 This is so much better than the shit you was bringing in. 12 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,313 One month in and you're already bragging? 13 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,440 It's good shit. 14 00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,442 We could expand our market. 15 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,360 Sell it to Florida and those Cunt-Blockers. 16 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,906 Whoa there, Chapo. We're back on Barb's good side. 17 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:20,575 We can't even keep up with demand on our side. 18 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:23,286 You wanna start selling in enemy territory? 19 00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,538 I don't see enemies, I see customers. 20 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:26,831 [Daddy scoffs] 21 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:30,001 Let's tend our own garden for now. Okay? 22 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,295 -This is gonna work, right? -Mmm. 23 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,255 No money, no more. 24 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:37,300 She needs to enter the numbers and it goes straight onto her card. 25 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:40,428 It's all there. Except the gratuity. 26 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,432 -This I'm gonna give you now, in person. -Mmm. 27 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,646 [both chuckle] 28 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:53,483 All right, girls, get your bounce on! 29 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,152 Whoo! Get loose! Get your bounce on! 30 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,072 Okay, we're gonna do a top rock. And where we gonna go? 31 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:00,907 Out, in. Out, in. 32 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,533 And out. In, out. 33 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:06,996 We're gonna do a hinge. On hinge, we're gonna go up and down! 34 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,916 Pull yourself up off the ground. 35 00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:11,876 This class ain't handicap accessible. 36 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,754 [Brock] Oh, yeah! Kick, kick, switch, kick! 37 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,927 Oh. Come on! 38 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:24,847 -[all chanting] Badison! Badison! Badison! -Still can't hear you. 39 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:29,269 -Badison! Badison! Badison! Badison! -[chuckles] 40 00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,105 Hurry, hurry, hurry! No, wait. 41 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:33,898 [exclaims] 42 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,859 That don't count. Do it again. 43 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,194 No, we're just scrimmaging. 44 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,947 And I'm just calling the moves. Again! 45 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,117 You're right. 46 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,869 You wanna get better? I applaud that. 47 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,205 Okay, let's go! 48 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,838 Toosh! 49 00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:58,464 [inmates laughing] 50 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,676 Boom! [laughing] 51 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,636 Luschek, we need the ladder again. 52 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,310 Look, I can keep picking up the phones and shit, 53 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:15,315 but my dance is my art, okay? I feel exploited and unappreciated. 54 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,400 [McCullough on walkie-talkie] Luschek, do you copy? 55 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,985 Find someone else. 56 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,654 Yeah, I fucking copy. Shut up. 57 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,327 McCullough! Open the door. 58 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:32,665 What's up? 59 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:34,751 [McCullough] Oh... 60 00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:39,964 Shut up. 61 00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:52,935 What? I'm the ladder bringer, not the ladder climber. 62 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,646 Is this really the only ball in this entire prison? 63 00:05:56,731 --> 00:06:00,651 Shit. There was, like, six more in the Rec closet. Why didn't I think of that? 64 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,529 Probably other things on your mind. 65 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,616 This one still needs to come down. Up you go, Chapman. 66 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,202 What? Seriously? 67 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:12,789 Well, I don't trust her. Or anyone. 68 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,082 [Badison] Go get 'em, roomie! 69 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,380 Are those like the ones in Back to the Future? 70 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,258 Damn straight. Also bought the hoverboard. 71 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,220 Even though the hoverboard's kind of bullshit, 72 00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,555 'cause it doesn't actually hover. 73 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,433 Now I'm saving up for the DeLorean. 74 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,644 How'd you get to be rich Marty McFly all of a sudden? 75 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,855 Does Rec pay extra? 'Cause if it does, I need in. 76 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,273 Thought you were Lyfting. 77 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:42,110 Turns out passengers don't like it when you cry while driving. 78 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,028 Yeah, well, Rec pays shit. 79 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,447 [grunting] 80 00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,376 If you wanna make money, 81 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:00,795 gotta win the pot at the end of the Fantasy Inmate rainbow. 82 00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:02,922 Fantasy Inmate's over, Luschek. 83 00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:05,967 Nobody scored any points since the blocks got separate yard times. 84 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,593 Except for Alvarez. 85 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:10,430 He's fuckin' Moneyballing that shit on minor infractions. 86 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,768 There is a real kickball field out there. 87 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:17,103 No shit. 88 00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:19,981 We could be skidding on grass instead of concrete. 89 00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:22,442 Know how much of my uniform I've had to pick out of my skin? 90 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,361 Ground's frozen. Probably harder out there than in here. 91 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,114 But there is sun and air. 92 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,075 And a glimpse of trees, way in the distance. 93 00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,327 But the field's not properly secured, all right? 94 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:36,622 -And there's this gopher problem-- -We could play a real game out there. 95 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,959 C-Block versus D-Block. It could be very motivational. 96 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,588 Look, I'm already doing a lot. Even by other people's standards. 97 00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:46,257 I can't believe Gapman and I actually agree on something. 98 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:50,761 But I gotta say, this is some super smart, genius-level shit. 99 00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,432 Let's fuck some bitches up! [chuckles] 100 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:57,059 She means that in a strictly non-combative, healthy way. 101 00:07:57,643 --> 00:08:02,773 [Badison] Yo, ladies, how about we play those D-bitches and show 'em who's boss? 102 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,941 [inmates] Yeah! 103 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,738 The answer is me, by the way. I'm boss. 104 00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:15,369 [chuckles] It has been an entire month with no violent incidents, 105 00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:19,040 -so you've earned it, ladies! -Yes! 106 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,083 -We're gonna destroy them! -Yeah! 107 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,211 Yeah, hey! 108 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,213 [laughs] 109 00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:27,548 Are you crazy? Do you wanna start another riot? 110 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:30,343 It's not a riot when they're fighting each other. 111 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:32,136 [laughs boisterously] 112 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:34,514 [Gloria] Vida. 113 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,224 You wanna get something to eat? 114 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,433 I got takeout. 115 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,643 I meant real food. 116 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,895 [scoffs] That shit ain't real. 117 00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:43,981 At least it's halfway warm, and we could sit at a table and eat. 118 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:47,109 Come on. We can't live our lives hiding from these bitches. 119 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,861 I'm sick of being in my room all day. 120 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,363 [in Spanish] You think I'm not? 121 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,156 [in English] These bitches push my buttons, 122 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,950 they gonna push the one where I push back. 123 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,827 [in Spanish] And I can't get beat up again... 124 00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,247 'cause I maybe got a baby in here. 125 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,500 Girl, please. It's all the junk you've been eating. 126 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,962 [in English] Yeah, well, we all gotta have a dream to hold on to. 127 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:09,799 You know, you were much happier when you had someone to grind. 128 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:13,219 That was good exercise. Now, I'm stuck on my bunk, 129 00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:15,972 reading old magazines, doing toe-stretches. 130 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:19,559 Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother. 131 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:23,271 Fine. Let's go. 132 00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:25,815 Gracias. 133 00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:36,534 -May we sit here? -That would be wonderful. 134 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:42,873 -Taken, by my ass. Literally. -[Eckelcamp laughs] 135 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,174 Oh, these are taken. 136 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,759 They look pretty empty to me. 137 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:56,804 This is where my spirit animal sits. And this is where my-- 138 00:09:56,887 --> 00:10:00,141 CO, you see that? She hit me over the head with a tray. 139 00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:02,101 -Bitch! -Gloria! Gloria! 140 00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:04,854 That's a shot, Mendoza! 141 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,524 And clean this shit up. 142 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:19,285 I used to do this back in my waitressing days. 143 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:23,956 Now, let's see if it still works with these new bottles. 144 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:27,877 -Ta-da! -Oh, my God! 145 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,796 It's like St. Joseph of Cupertino, but with diet soda. 146 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,215 Is this, like, some kind of a carbonation thing? 147 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,885 That's for me to know and you to wonder. 148 00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,637 All right, how 'bout this? 149 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:43,142 Watch me pull a coin out of my pocket. 150 00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,145 [chuckles] It ain't magic, but here. 151 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:47,813 It's a 30-day sober chip. 152 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,316 I know they take away the real one after the meeting, 153 00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:53,486 so I made you one to keep. Congratulations. 154 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:59,325 It has been hard as fuck. Thank you. 155 00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:03,245 Hey, Deitland. I'll take my things. 156 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:07,333 And, whatever these girls want to order, you can put it on my tab. 157 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:10,586 Ah! Barb, you spoil us. 158 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:15,049 What'd I tell you about this joint, huh? You got, uh, free magic shows, open bar. 159 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:18,427 Like visiting my Uncle Pete's house, minus the, you know, bad touching. 160 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,263 Well, I knew you'd come around to the mob life eventually. 161 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,681 I haven't come around to anything. 162 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,975 I'm just helping her stay sober. That's all. 163 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,728 Hello, Deitland. Can I please have last week's order? 164 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,063 Nichols, Nicky. 165 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:34,402 And for next week, uh... three Honey Buns, please. 166 00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:37,363 -And I will take five bags of Cheetos. -Hmm. 167 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,865 Healthy mama, healthy baby. 168 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,368 Well, at least mine has trace amounts of calcium. 169 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:43,452 What does yours have? 170 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,498 Oh, it has me, licking the honey out of the buns. 171 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:51,669 Oh, you know, also I enjoy licking, uh, honey out of pots. 172 00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:54,964 If you happen to know any honey pots in the area, 173 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,550 I'd love to lick them. 174 00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:00,761 [Lorna] You know what? If you was a man and you was on the outside, 175 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,097 you'd be having a real hard time right now. 176 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:06,559 'Cause I read they're cracking down on this sexy talk. 177 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,894 Like, for real. It's gonna be illegal. 178 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,148 Which I think is a pity 'cause I always found it very flattering. 179 00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:15,317 Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's all meant in the, uh, spirit of flattery, 180 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:18,696 and not in the spirit of being the worst kind of misogynistic pig. 181 00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:22,116 Caramel, karamel. It's all how you wanna see things. 182 00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:25,202 Now, speaking of the worst kind of person, 183 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:28,414 I hear Carol has a new best friend, 184 00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,750 and her name is Red. And they are like this. 185 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:32,751 Who told you that? 186 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,880 Hey, I also ordered three Noxzemas. 187 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:39,550 All out. Had a huge C-Block order. 188 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:45,389 Oh! Motherfucking, titty-sucking, two-ball bitch! 189 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,682 Whoa, whoa, whoa... 190 00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:49,727 Hey, I like the minty sting of Noxzema as much as the next gal. 191 00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:53,814 I am a child of the '90s after all, but maybe we're lacking perspective here. 192 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:59,320 It's not the Noxzema. It's Carol. She bought it all to spite me. 193 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:04,074 Oh, okay. So, first she tries to kill you, then she buys up all the Noxzema. 194 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,659 She is really upping the stakes. 195 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:09,413 Okay, okay. I know it sounds stupid. I get that. 196 00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:13,501 But these simple luxuries, they are all we have in here. 197 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:18,380 She is not gonna quit bullying me until I'm dead, you know. 198 00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,342 [upbeat music playing] 199 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,195 So, how'd he take it? 200 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,906 [sighs] He was devastated, obviously. 201 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,619 God, Carol, I can't believe I have to leave him. He's the one. 202 00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,496 Really? The one? 203 00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,456 He's my soul mate. He gets me. 204 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,458 Okay, no, he gets in your pants. 205 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,586 And as soon as you're gone, he's gonna get into Pearl Peterman's pants, 206 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,047 where he's gonna shuck her oyster and suck it raw. 207 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:01,799 What the fuck, Carol? 208 00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:04,718 Don't be such a precious little Barbie doll. You know it's true. 209 00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:07,054 You're just pissed 'cause no one here will even miss you. 210 00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:10,099 You don't know shit about my shit, so don't take it out on me. 211 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:15,729 It's not my fault we keep moving. It's that fucking little cunt. 212 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,275 [announcer over PA] Up next, our own Debbie Denning! 213 00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,694 This is Debbie's last meet here in West Virginia, 214 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,320 as she's been accepted to train 215 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,907 at Trudy's Gymnastics Institute in Plano, Texas. 216 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,534 Go get 'em, Debbie! 217 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,120 [audience applauding] 218 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:37,251 [groans] I could kill her. 219 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,795 Oh, we could, you know, if we wanted to. 220 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:41,922 Jesus, Carol. 221 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,425 Oh, you're such a sicko. 222 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:47,887 And her boobs are not even accurate, mostly 'cause she doesn't have any. 223 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:52,016 Okay, well, the body's better on this one. Look, I even did some perspective. 224 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,645 Poison? 225 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,564 Glass shards in her Yoplait. 226 00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,025 That's too obvious. 227 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:03,944 It'd have to look more like an accident. 228 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,164 And you'll have to burn that book. 229 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,090 This what you want me to read? 230 00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:32,389 "You don't know me, but I know you. And I want me a taste inside you." 231 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:36,393 It's a haiku for your Missed Connections segment. 232 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:39,521 Woman, we ain't got no Missed Connections segment. 233 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:43,442 And even if we did, it wouldn't be for no porny haikus that don't rhyme. 234 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:45,110 It does rhyme. 235 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:49,573 You just didn't read it right. And you can find yourself another phone. 236 00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:54,036 All right, all right. All right! Come. 237 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,208 I'll read it once I get back from my hiatus. 238 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:08,676 And I'm just gonna say this. You cannot rhyme "you" with "you." 239 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,803 It's the same word and that's not a rhyme. 240 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:17,393 I heard the other blocks are having a kickball championship. 241 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,687 That's a land mine waitin' to get stepped on. 242 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,814 Some D-Block ladies near the pill line 243 00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:25,651 said there used to be a legendary player here back in the day. 244 00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,320 Had arms that could catch anything. 245 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:31,740 Even tattooed an octopus on her neck. 246 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:32,908 That ain't me. 247 00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:38,038 And to be clear, this tattoo predated my incarceration. 248 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:44,003 [chuckles] Okay. Well, I told them that I was really proud to be your roomie, so-- 249 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,254 Suzanne... 250 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:49,008 listen to me. 251 00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:53,178 You can't talk to the blues and khakis. You understand? 252 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,763 They're dangerous. 253 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,976 We've won a valuable spot in here. 254 00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:01,562 Everybody wants to be a Pink Lady... 255 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:02,688 [chuckles] 256 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,859 ...and they'll go as far as to kill you to take your place. 257 00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:09,862 Kill me? Why me? 258 00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:13,824 Because... they pick off the newest arrivals first. 259 00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:16,118 Well, but you came in after me. 260 00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:19,788 And you don't see me interacting with any of them, do you? 261 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,292 And her? 262 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:25,377 Oh, she's been warned. 263 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:29,631 If she chooses to ignore it, I can't save her. 264 00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:37,056 Hey, Suzy Cakes. You finally ready to come on out today? 265 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:40,017 -You shouldn't go out there. -Oh, yes, I should. 266 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,685 This is about that time where 267 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,979 the walking dead becomes the shitting dead. 268 00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:46,648 Do you think it has anything to do with, like, 269 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,401 the time they take those fiber chewies? 270 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,279 [scoffs] Whatever it is, I ain't gonna be here. 271 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,490 Frieda says that it's dangerous. 272 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:57,367 Don't be listening to that Octopussy scare you. 273 00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,411 You know what? That's senior abuse. 274 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:04,374 I think it goes the other way. Like, adults abusing seniors. 275 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,794 Nuh-uh. Nope. I've seen that shit before. 276 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:08,629 There was this fat, old Mexican lady 277 00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,506 that used to live next door to our trailer, 278 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,049 and whenever we'd be too loud, 279 00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:15,094 or just, you know, be knocking each other up or some shit, 280 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,763 she'd come walking over and she'd sit on me. 281 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:21,391 She'd bounce and sit and scream, "Tortilla! Tortilla!" 282 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,310 And I don't like tacos 'cause of her. 283 00:18:23,393 --> 00:18:26,355 Except I do like those Del Taco crunchy tacos. Those are dope. 284 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,899 But I know senior abuse when I see it. And I just saw it. 285 00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:32,236 No, no, no. It is not like that. 286 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,532 Besides, I promised Mabel that I would play Rummikub with her later. 287 00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:39,868 See... I'm an important member of this community. 288 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,412 Yeah, I once did community service, 289 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:45,624 and it ended with them pissing in my yellow drink. 290 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,013 [cell phone ringing] 291 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,807 Joe. Joe Caputo here. 292 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,310 [woman] Hi. Hello, Mr. Caputo. 293 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:11,400 Ah, yes, hi. Is this Mary from Get Ahead Head Hunters? 294 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,236 This is about Tasha Jefferson. 295 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:15,362 Who is this? 296 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,530 She didn't do it. 297 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,575 Look into the stormtroopers. 298 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,076 The hell does that even mean? 299 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,578 [groans] 300 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,622 Come on, man. Look into the assholes that came into the prison 301 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,666 with the guns and the Terminator attitudes. 302 00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:29,793 They ain't telling the truth. 303 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,879 How did... 304 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,636 How's the Chocolate Chip Nookie? 305 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,847 I'm not gonna lie. It's a little chalky. 306 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:44,766 You know not eating causes your brain to break down its own neurons? 307 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,229 Hey, Luschek, my man! 308 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,898 You guys still doing the shakes? 309 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,733 You know not eating makes you stupid, right? 310 00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:54,276 [laughs] 311 00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,320 I literally just said that. 312 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,780 Yeah, it's all in the delivery. 313 00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:02,409 Well, your commish isn't actually delivering much of anything. 314 00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:05,370 He hasn't updated the Fantasy Inmate app in eight days. 315 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:08,665 Relax. This place is a ghost town. There's nothing happening. 316 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,293 I clocked a lesbian encounter two days ago. Every point counts. 317 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,586 Oh. Who was it? 318 00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,255 It was Daddy and Diaz. Daddy's mine. 319 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:18,217 [groans] I'm bored just spanking it out to those two anyways. 320 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,344 Christ, Stefanovic, how many times I gotta tell you 321 00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,304 to respect my girlfriend's daughter? 322 00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:26,225 Sorry, boss. I keep forgetting. It's just weird, you know? 323 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:28,685 You know she killed Humps. And now you're humping her mother. 324 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,647 It's not weird. Her mother is crazy smokin' hot. 325 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,649 [Alvarez] You guys, this is important. 326 00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:37,736 Points are extremely hard to come by in the current peaceful climate. 327 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:40,739 So when they are achieved, they need to be tallied. 328 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:44,618 Therefore, I've taken the liberty of updating everyone's current status. 329 00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:49,998 Luschek, all you have to do is input these numbers into your system. 330 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:57,798 You're the only one who has any points. 331 00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,926 We need to reinstate mixed yard time, for serious. 332 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:04,554 Trust me, I would love to, but Fig gives the orders and I follow. 333 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,141 Well, actually, I kinda have a loophole for that. 334 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,102 I was gonna tell you guys at happy hour, but-- 335 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,520 What? You guys go to happy hour? 336 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,357 What if we fix the old field 337 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,318 and have ourselves an inter-block kickball championship? 338 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:20,988 Oh, this could be a disaster. 339 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:24,116 I know. Yeah. And I got six girls playing, too. 340 00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:27,577 A punch here, a hair-pull there. Ka-ching! 341 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:30,038 I love the initiative. Run with it, buddy. 342 00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:34,126 Well, actually, I was kinda hoping somebody else could do it. 343 00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:37,587 I'm sort of swamped with other Rec stuff. 344 00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:41,341 Why don't you cancel that stupid dance class, you know? 345 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,176 Buy yourself a little extra time. 346 00:21:44,594 --> 00:21:46,513 Nah. That's fine. 347 00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:48,598 The ladies love that class, so... 348 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:50,767 I can do it. 349 00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:54,146 You all see that? That is a true humanitarian. 350 00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:55,981 [Luschek] Hey! 351 00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,901 Where do you guys go for happy hour? 352 00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,571 -Hey! -[laughs] 353 00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:05,574 Okay. Badison. All right. Okay. 354 00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:06,950 [shrieks] 355 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:11,538 Hey. So I'm thinking, why don't we play a round? Have some fun. 356 00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:15,459 This ain't supposed to be fun. D-Block is coming for us, Gapman. 357 00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:18,253 So you better get back in there and take a hit. 358 00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:21,590 [McCullough] Ladies, time to pack up. 359 00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:24,051 You're late. D-Block's already waiting. 360 00:22:28,388 --> 00:22:30,432 [inmate yelling indistinctly] 361 00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:37,689 [Maria] We the team that is devout! 362 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,441 [Tawney] Exercise those demons out! 363 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,942 God won't pitch what you can't take! 364 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,361 Make those bitches bleed and ache! One, two. 365 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:44,571 One, two. 366 00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,615 [all hooting] 367 00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:49,534 We're gonna need some performance-enhancing steroids. 368 00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,995 -You have any? -No. You? 369 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,121 What do you think? 370 00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:56,458 I think we're fucked. 371 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:02,798 Try it. I was going for a piña colada feel. 372 00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,174 [Red] Hmm. 373 00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:10,305 -[grunts] -[laughs] 374 00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:15,560 It smells like coconut, but it tastes like soap. 375 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:18,688 You gotta leave a smidge of shampoo in there for aroma. 376 00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:20,941 Also for the guards, in case they check. 377 00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:24,486 -Well, aren't you full of tricks. -When you're gonna die in here, 378 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:26,696 you learn how to keep yourself entertained. 379 00:23:27,322 --> 00:23:28,323 Life sentence, huh? 380 00:23:29,032 --> 00:23:31,827 Well, it was 25 years at first. 381 00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:35,580 But you can thank your friend, Frieda, for the extra 30. 382 00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:38,416 That squealing little rat. 383 00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:44,005 No, no. She got bopped in the beezer again. 384 00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,383 It would just be mean. 385 00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:50,220 If you really wanna be mean, you should pretend to be nice first. 386 00:23:50,303 --> 00:23:54,182 That's what the Barbs of the world do. Here, watch this. 387 00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:58,228 Hey, Dweebly Dums, you heard the news? 388 00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:00,313 About the kickball championship? 389 00:24:00,397 --> 00:24:02,816 Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but... 390 00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:06,236 I overheard the guards talking. 391 00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:09,239 Looks like you're getting out early for good behavior. 392 00:24:09,823 --> 00:24:14,035 Oh, my God! I have to call Pop-Pop! 393 00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:18,456 Thank you so much! 394 00:24:19,749 --> 00:24:21,209 [both chuckle] 395 00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:24,796 I'm conflicted about wanton cruelty, but... 396 00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:28,550 it's strangely reinvigorating. 397 00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:31,761 Told you. Sport mindfucking is exciting. 398 00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:34,556 No, I mean... I feel like me. 399 00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:38,602 The last few years, whenever I needed to defend myself, 400 00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:41,146 or to take justice into my own hands, 401 00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:43,148 everybody got on my case. 402 00:24:43,231 --> 00:24:45,567 Told me to be nicer, to be better. 403 00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:47,485 Evolve, Red, evolve. 404 00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:50,155 Fuck evolve. What about survive? 405 00:24:50,238 --> 00:24:54,451 That's right. People like us, we gotta say what we mean. 406 00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:58,371 I don't like you, I'll tell you. And that is worth something. 407 00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:02,334 Not like Barb, who's always the good girl, the victim. 408 00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:03,627 That's all bullcrap. 409 00:25:03,710 --> 00:25:06,379 Nice people, they're full of shit. 410 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:08,924 Like human M&M's. 411 00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:11,635 But their insides are shit, not chocolate. 412 00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:15,847 I have plans. Make Carol do it! 413 00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:17,891 Mom, you already told me I could go out tonight. 414 00:25:17,974 --> 00:25:20,352 Oh, please. Who are you gonna go out with, the chess club? 415 00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:22,437 You're not the only person who has a life here! 416 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,022 -[Robbie] Everybody, shut it. -I am. 417 00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:26,358 You're both taking care of Debbie tonight. 418 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,944 But you said we would release my tadpoles tonight. 419 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:32,739 We have to meet with Coach Emery to discuss your transitional training. 420 00:25:32,822 --> 00:25:34,866 You do realize that we're doing this for you, right? 421 00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:38,662 Now, please, practice your pirouettes and then go straight to bed. [sighs] 422 00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:42,499 You two, finish packing. Moving van gets here at 11:00 tomorrow. 423 00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:44,709 Okay. Well, I'm already done, so... 424 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,045 Haven't separated what's going in the Salvation Army pile. 425 00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:48,922 The three of you will be sharing a closet. 426 00:25:49,005 --> 00:25:49,881 What? 427 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:52,801 Does that mean I have to share a room with them? Both of them? 428 00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:54,844 You know how much it's costing us to relocate? 429 00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:56,304 Be grateful you have a bedroom. 430 00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:57,555 Do we get to have bunk beds? 431 00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:59,224 Oh, just shut up, Debbie! 432 00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:00,433 Language! 433 00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:01,935 [Barbara] Well, I'm not going. 434 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,854 Mrs. Howard said I could live with them 435 00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,607 for the rest of the semester and graduate with everyone. 436 00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:12,570 Barbara, does this look like a La Quinta Inn to you? 437 00:26:13,613 --> 00:26:16,616 Do I look like a goddamn bellhop? 438 00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:17,617 That's right. 439 00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:23,123 You don't get to check in and out of this family whenever you please. 440 00:26:25,292 --> 00:26:27,210 Yep. Debbie, heels up on the turn 441 00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:29,713 and then point, point, point your way through the pirouette. 442 00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:33,633 We'll be back by 10:00. 443 00:26:39,472 --> 00:26:40,557 They're such dicks. 444 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,642 My tadpoles are gonna die if we don't release them. 445 00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:44,686 Okay, nobody gives a fuck about your tadpoles. 446 00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,354 Carol, no! Barb, Barb, do something! 447 00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:51,151 Carol, don't be such a monster. 448 00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,237 If she wants to release her tadpoles tonight, 449 00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:56,614 we should take her. 450 00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:03,163 [chuckles softly] 451 00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,086 [cell phone ringing] 452 00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:14,591 Hey, babe, can't talk. I'm mid-stakeout. 453 00:27:14,674 --> 00:27:16,176 Okay, please don't use that word. 454 00:27:16,259 --> 00:27:17,552 "Stakeout" or "babe"? 455 00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:20,805 Both. And I said you could look at the coroner's report, not take it. 456 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,558 I can't make heads or tails of it anyway. 457 00:27:23,641 --> 00:27:26,478 I need to talk to this Herrmann guy. 458 00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:30,148 And then what? Make a citizen's arrest based on a prank call? 459 00:27:30,231 --> 00:27:33,735 No. I'm gonna try the dumb and friendly approach. 460 00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:37,781 See if I can bait him into saying something incriminating. 461 00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:40,075 Oh, that's ridiculous. 462 00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:42,035 Hey, worked for Columbo. 463 00:27:42,118 --> 00:27:46,247 Okay, putting aside the fact that Columbo was a fictional character-- 464 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:49,125 A well-rounded and delightfully written fictional character. 465 00:27:49,209 --> 00:27:51,002 Columbo had a theory to prove. 466 00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:53,713 You, on the other hand, got nada. Shots in the dark. 467 00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:54,798 Exactly. 468 00:27:54,881 --> 00:27:58,551 And this Herrmann guy may know who shot what in that darkness. 469 00:27:58,635 --> 00:28:01,513 I mean, look at him. He even looks shady. 470 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:03,807 I bet he thinks 'cause he's a cop 471 00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:06,059 he can get away without paying for his coffee. 472 00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:10,772 Never mind. He just paid. 473 00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:12,524 And he's leaving a tip. 474 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:14,401 Whatever. He still looks shady. 475 00:28:14,484 --> 00:28:15,860 I gotta go. 476 00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:25,078 Oh, well... 477 00:28:25,161 --> 00:28:28,832 Hey, man. Or should I say, Herrmann? [chuckles] 478 00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:29,999 Do I know you? 479 00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:34,087 Right, you probably don't recognize me with actual clothes on. 480 00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:35,547 And I shaved the mustache. 481 00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:39,676 But it's me, Caputo. Former Litchfield warden? 482 00:28:39,759 --> 00:28:42,095 Oh. Yeah. 483 00:28:42,178 --> 00:28:44,681 You come here often? I just... I love this place. 484 00:28:46,015 --> 00:28:47,350 The place is shit. 485 00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:50,061 But the chick that works here? Totally bangable. 486 00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:51,730 [Caputo chuckles] 487 00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:53,523 She's really bangable. 488 00:28:53,606 --> 00:28:55,859 I mean, hey, I'm not gonna bang her, 489 00:28:57,152 --> 00:28:58,987 but I really hope you get to. 490 00:28:59,946 --> 00:29:02,031 Okay. Well, have a good one. 491 00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:04,200 Uh, wait. Uh... 492 00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:07,996 You know what? It's a relief to see people 493 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:11,499 that went through what we went through, you know? It's... 494 00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:16,963 It's like we're comrades in arms. That night was so intense and... 495 00:29:18,131 --> 00:29:19,048 It was violent. 496 00:29:20,842 --> 00:29:23,052 Didn't you spend it sitting in an air-conditioned RV unit 497 00:29:23,136 --> 00:29:24,888 -with those two chicks? -[laughs] True. 498 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,599 But I was with you in spirit, you know? 499 00:29:27,682 --> 00:29:32,479 And plus, I was the one who told you guys about the pool, remember? 500 00:29:32,562 --> 00:29:34,856 Yeah. Well, thanks. 501 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,317 Hey, listen, um... 502 00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:46,117 When you went in that night, where did you first see Desi Piscatella? 503 00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:49,662 What are you doing? You trying to interrogate me or something? 504 00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:50,747 No. 505 00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:51,664 Uh... 506 00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:54,959 I'm just trying to understand what went on in there. 507 00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,836 -I mean, for me, I'm-- -You come near me again 508 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,797 and I'll get a restraining order. 509 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,466 Just one more thing... 510 00:30:06,012 --> 00:30:12,435 Eight-three-zero-two-eight. 511 00:30:15,688 --> 00:30:17,732 And how do I link it to my debit card again? 512 00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:19,442 My God, I have to explain this every time? 513 00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:22,946 It ain't my fault this shit's so complicated. [sighs] 514 00:30:23,029 --> 00:30:25,573 What the hell happened to cash while I was away? 515 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:27,534 I don't know, but you better get used to it. 516 00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:29,494 Orders are flowing. 517 00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:32,372 Matter of fact, we need you to pack more. 518 00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,583 Are you crazy? You wanna get caught? [scoffs] 519 00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:39,587 Besides, those lids are packed tighter than my asshole on Christmas morning. 520 00:30:40,213 --> 00:30:42,173 You stuck something up your butt on Christmas? 521 00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:45,426 Butt sex was on top of Cesar's wish list, okay? 522 00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:48,221 We all honor the birth of baby Jesus in our own way. 523 00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:52,725 [Nana] Aleida, honey, I'm still waiting on that tea you offered! 524 00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:55,478 [Aleida] That's because I didn't fucking offer! 525 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,479 Who's that? 526 00:30:56,563 --> 00:30:58,773 Hopper's Nana. But don't worry, 527 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:01,651 I got that passive-aggressive old bag taken care of. 528 00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,613 Look. Cesar's already acting like a little bitch 529 00:31:05,697 --> 00:31:07,991 about what he's selling us. I don't think he'll do more. 530 00:31:08,074 --> 00:31:09,617 What does Cesar care? 531 00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:16,332 He's sitting in prison doing nothing and he's still getting his cut. 532 00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:18,751 Well, let's just say he ain't too happy 533 00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,254 about me smuggling the shit in through Hopper. 534 00:31:21,337 --> 00:31:22,714 He has no right to be jealous. 535 00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:25,592 He stuck his dick into anything that jiggled his way. 536 00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,552 And don't your jiggly ass know it. 537 00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:29,929 Anyway, now he's all like, 538 00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:33,933 "At least I ain't fucking no guard and swallowing his little guard swimmers." 539 00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:35,143 And I had to be like, 540 00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:38,354 "Yo, don't you remember, pendejo, I don't fucking swallow." 541 00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:42,734 Ugh. Just-- Please, stop. You wanna get the kids back or no? 542 00:31:42,817 --> 00:31:46,571 [Nana knocks at door] Honey, why won't my door open? 543 00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:48,865 Aleida, honey! 544 00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:51,409 Aleida! 545 00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:53,536 -You know what? -[Nana] Open this damn door. 546 00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:55,622 Maybe I could squeeze a couple more grams in. 547 00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:58,833 [Nana] Aleida! Aleida, let me out! 548 00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:02,962 I didn't want her to, but I didn't want her to have my-- 549 00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,131 Hey, uh, can you give us a sec? 550 00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:13,222 Should I put a sock on the door? 551 00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:17,518 What do you want? 552 00:32:17,602 --> 00:32:19,145 Haven't seen you in class. 553 00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:22,148 Bet you miss someone doing your job for you. 554 00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:23,524 Come on, Mendoza. 555 00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:25,902 You were a great inmate instructor. You were having fun. 556 00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,236 It's all fun and games 557 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,530 until someone offers to shiv out your thyroid. 558 00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:32,283 Wait. That happened? 559 00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:34,744 Hmm. No. You don't get to act surprised. 560 00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:36,746 I told you that these bitches were out of control 561 00:32:36,829 --> 00:32:38,373 and you didn't do shit. 562 00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:39,499 You're right. 563 00:32:41,167 --> 00:32:43,336 I should've done more. I'm sorry. 564 00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:48,424 But I think I know a way to help you now. 565 00:32:49,425 --> 00:32:51,594 Like, for real this time. Scout's honor. 566 00:32:52,345 --> 00:32:54,055 You and I both know you weren't a Scout. 567 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,182 And if you had been, all you would have gotten 568 00:32:56,265 --> 00:32:58,351 is a "Pitching a Tent in Your Pants" badge. 569 00:32:58,935 --> 00:32:59,978 [laughs sarcastically] 570 00:33:00,645 --> 00:33:02,355 I kinda miss you making me feel like shit. 571 00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,067 Yeah, me too. 572 00:33:13,449 --> 00:33:15,410 -Bye. -Okay, yeah. Good talk, though. 573 00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:16,369 [Gloria] Mmm-hmm. 574 00:33:17,745 --> 00:33:18,955 [under breath] Fuck. 575 00:33:21,624 --> 00:33:24,127 [man speaking indistinctly on PA] 576 00:33:24,210 --> 00:33:27,880 I don't know. This doesn't look like the best place to recruit athletes. 577 00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,799 We need to look under every rock. 578 00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:32,927 Even the old and disabled rocks. 579 00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,685 Uh, your, uh... camp friends are waving at you. 580 00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:43,855 Well, friends might be a stretch, but here goes. 581 00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:47,608 Ladies. 582 00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:48,651 Heya. 583 00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:51,738 Don't talk to her. She might not come in peace. 584 00:33:51,821 --> 00:33:53,656 Oh, no, but I do. 585 00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:57,076 In fact, I have an offer for some extra outdoor time 586 00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:01,581 in the form of a fantastic game of kickball. 587 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:03,875 Do either of you play? 588 00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,711 -Is that like kick the can? -Not at all. 589 00:34:06,794 --> 00:34:10,715 Whatever. Anything to get out of here. [clears throat] 590 00:34:10,798 --> 00:34:14,552 I swear, every seat I touch is smeared in menthol or pudding. 591 00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:18,765 At least, I hope it's pudding. 592 00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:21,267 There you go. 593 00:34:22,852 --> 00:34:25,188 Hey, how's Baby Dix? 594 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:28,608 It's not safe to talk about Baby Dix here. 595 00:34:28,691 --> 00:34:30,276 I meant the bear. 596 00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:31,652 I know what you meant. 597 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:35,156 Why are you being so weird? No one even knows, you know. 598 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:39,118 I know. I just can't help but feeling like everybody's looking at us. 599 00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:41,579 [scoffs] No one's looking at us. Trust me. 600 00:34:41,662 --> 00:34:44,791 They haven't gotten their glasses fixed since, like, 1972. 601 00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:47,085 And that one right there? See her? 602 00:34:47,168 --> 00:34:50,171 [scoffs] She thinks I'm the robot girl from Small Wonder. 603 00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:52,507 Huh! I could see that. 604 00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:53,758 [scoffs] 605 00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:56,969 Hey. I'm proud of you for leaving him. 606 00:34:58,137 --> 00:35:01,182 You did leave him, right? He's alive somewhere? 607 00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:04,102 Yeah, he's alive. Somewhere. 608 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,939 Sometimes I wish we could've just kept on going. 609 00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:12,235 Being back here? Not so great. 610 00:35:12,318 --> 00:35:15,905 Yeah. Tell me about it. 611 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:19,826 I don't do outdoors. Real or fake. 612 00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:21,869 Wait, you don't go out into the yard? 613 00:35:21,953 --> 00:35:24,455 [scoffs] Once was enough for me. 614 00:35:25,581 --> 00:35:30,586 But you used to love that. Remember? You used to chase me around the track? 615 00:35:30,670 --> 00:35:35,258 Yes. I remember, Dandelion, but things have changed. 616 00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:38,302 -Oh. -I know not to trust people anymore. 617 00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:41,848 And even though I still love you, because I will always love you, 618 00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:46,727 I will not let you kill me to take my spot. 619 00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:51,983 Suzanne... I'm not gonna hurt you in any way. 620 00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:54,110 I promise. 621 00:35:56,696 --> 00:36:00,032 And I'm certainly not interested in taking your place here. 622 00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:03,369 I live next door to Alex now. 623 00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:08,374 This place is so confusing. 624 00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:13,629 Well, first, my friends become not my friends. 625 00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:18,259 And then I'm given a color that other colors wanna fight, 626 00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:21,345 and it's not the kind of color-fighting that has to do with race. 627 00:36:21,429 --> 00:36:24,432 But it's also not the color-fighting that has to do with washable paints. 628 00:36:24,515 --> 00:36:26,017 So what kind of fighting is it? 629 00:36:26,976 --> 00:36:28,853 You don't have to worry about colors. 630 00:36:30,104 --> 00:36:32,356 Blues and khakis have beef with each other, 631 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,192 but not with any of you. 632 00:36:35,651 --> 00:36:36,986 Pinks are safe out there. 633 00:36:37,069 --> 00:36:39,238 -Really? -Mmm. 634 00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:40,489 Wait. 635 00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:43,993 Even for new recruits? 636 00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:45,870 You know what I think? 637 00:36:46,495 --> 00:36:51,334 I think that fresh air and exercise 638 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,253 help to clear the mind. 639 00:37:02,428 --> 00:37:04,555 But technically, he didn't say anything incriminating. 640 00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:08,434 It's not what he said. It was his attitude. 641 00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:10,019 Well, what would your attitude be 642 00:37:10,102 --> 00:37:12,396 if someone came to your preferred coffee shop 643 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,732 and started asking you questions about a dead guy? 644 00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:16,943 Oh, I don't know. Helpful? 645 00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:18,819 You are so naive. 646 00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,405 No, I am not. Everybody else is being naive. 647 00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:23,282 There's something fishy here. 648 00:37:23,366 --> 00:37:25,660 -Then tell the investigators. -I did. 649 00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:27,453 -And? -They told me to fuck off. 650 00:37:27,536 --> 00:37:30,081 Why are we making the bed before sleeping in it, anyway? 651 00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:32,583 'Cause you couldn't be bothered to do it earlier. 652 00:37:32,667 --> 00:37:35,253 Well, I had a busy afternoon, okay? 653 00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:36,837 Had to meet with Taystee's lawyer. 654 00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:38,547 The trial's next week 655 00:37:38,631 --> 00:37:42,260 and they need to find a medical examiner that can figure out what CERT is hiding. 656 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:45,221 Stop. I cannot hear any of this. 657 00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,181 You know it's a conflict of interest. 658 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,809 I'm asking you to take off your warden hat for a minute 659 00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:52,228 and put on your girlfriend hat. 660 00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:54,730 Did you just say "girlfriend"? 661 00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:57,275 You're missing the point. 662 00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,986 [sighs] Fine. What did Taystee's lawyer say? 663 00:38:00,069 --> 00:38:01,988 She told me to stop tampering with the witnesses. 664 00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:05,199 No kidding. You're gonna Columbo yourself right into a mistrial. 665 00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:09,495 You have any idea how it's gonna look if those guys testify against her? 666 00:38:09,578 --> 00:38:13,666 Who's the jury gonna believe? Look, I know Taystee didn't do it. 667 00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:17,503 And I know you know. Tell me you know. 668 00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:20,131 You wanna make a difference, Joe? 669 00:38:20,214 --> 00:38:24,510 Let the lawyers do their job and join the PR front instead. 670 00:38:24,593 --> 00:38:28,723 People will listen to the former warden. Flip the script. 671 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:31,350 Change the conversation from whether or not Jefferson's a murderer 672 00:38:31,434 --> 00:38:35,521 to whether or not MCC's negligence incited the riot to begin with. 673 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:37,732 [chuckles] 674 00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:41,861 Wait. Is the warden really telling me to shit on her prison? 675 00:38:41,944 --> 00:38:42,903 Interim warden. 676 00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:45,740 And just so we're clear, I'm not that kind of girlfriend 677 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:48,159 who's gonna sacrifice her career for your happiness. 678 00:38:48,242 --> 00:38:50,244 I am just saying all this to fuck with Linda. 679 00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:52,496 You are my girlfriend. 680 00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,333 -You are so my girlfriend. -Shut up. Shut up. 681 00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:57,626 -Shut up. Shut up. -You are so my girlfriend! 682 00:38:57,710 --> 00:39:00,004 Hey, thanks for swapping me out. 683 00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:03,799 Don't mention it. Like, seriously. [shushes] 684 00:39:13,392 --> 00:39:14,769 [Nicky sighs] 685 00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,026 [inaudible] 686 00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:40,503 Nicky, this is a nice surprise. 687 00:39:41,462 --> 00:39:44,298 You look good as a blonde. What am I supposed to call you now? 688 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:48,469 Gorgeous. Let me look at you. Are you wearing eye makeup? 689 00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:52,556 Nah. So, the mauve is more of a leftover bruise than a shadow. 690 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,892 -What happened? -I can't talk much. 691 00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:56,727 Don't feel like adding more mauve to my face. 692 00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:59,563 Is it the women in your block? Is it the guards? 693 00:39:59,647 --> 00:40:02,274 It's your friend Carol and her fucking armada. 694 00:40:02,358 --> 00:40:03,484 Don't be ridiculous. 695 00:40:03,567 --> 00:40:04,735 You know what's ridiculous? 696 00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:07,655 Me getting my face slammed in by a bunch of outdated law books 697 00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:09,698 for helping Eyebrows get artificially inseminated. 698 00:40:10,282 --> 00:40:12,785 Your mouth is making words that I can't understand. 699 00:40:12,868 --> 00:40:14,286 But it doesn't matter. 700 00:40:14,370 --> 00:40:15,913 This must be Madison's doing. 701 00:40:15,996 --> 00:40:19,500 Jesus. She's like that idiot, Chevy Chase, from those Chevy Chase films. 702 00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:21,752 What's so funny about always fucking everything up? 703 00:40:22,628 --> 00:40:24,672 Sometimes it's like we're not even related. 704 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:26,132 Look, Carol's my friend. 705 00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:28,551 I'll make sure her girls never mess with you again. 706 00:40:28,634 --> 00:40:30,761 Women like Carol aren't looking to be your friend. 707 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:32,930 They're looking to use you. It's how they stay on top. 708 00:40:33,013 --> 00:40:35,850 Don't lecture me about leaders using their people, Nicky. 709 00:40:35,933 --> 00:40:40,187 I learned that way back when I was a kid from the Komsomol bosses. 710 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:41,939 But you know what else I've learned? 711 00:40:42,022 --> 00:40:44,942 To trust people who are real. And Carol is real. 712 00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:48,404 Okay, so you trust a woman who tried to kill her own sister? 713 00:40:48,487 --> 00:40:50,156 Jesus! That was decades ago. 714 00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,782 Oh. And the other one, last month. 715 00:40:51,866 --> 00:40:54,535 Fake news. And all because Barb has to play the victim. 716 00:40:54,618 --> 00:40:57,496 She can't own up to the fact that she's a junkie who did it to herself. 717 00:40:57,580 --> 00:40:59,665 That wasn't an overdose. Somebody laced her shit. 718 00:40:59,748 --> 00:41:02,084 I was there when they brought Barb into medical. I saw it. 719 00:41:02,168 --> 00:41:04,920 Trust me, I would've heard about it if Carol was making a move on Barb. 720 00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:06,547 Listen to you! Jesus! 721 00:41:06,630 --> 00:41:08,382 Is this some kind of Stockholm syndrome 722 00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,009 or you're cut from the same cloth? 723 00:41:10,092 --> 00:41:12,595 You're the one defending Barb like a good little minion. 724 00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:15,639 [scoffs] At least she's trying to become a better person, Red. 725 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:22,480 Maybe before you go judging others, you take a good hard look at yourself. 726 00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:27,151 [scoffs] 727 00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:42,708 I'm not in the mood to freeze my nuts off, so I'm gonna stay here. 728 00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:45,044 Come on, Debbie. 729 00:41:55,054 --> 00:41:59,099 You know, I'm real sorry about the move. 730 00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:02,520 I told Mom I don't want to go either, but they don't care what I want. 731 00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:04,480 You don't wanna go? 732 00:42:04,563 --> 00:42:06,941 No. I like Coach Emery. 733 00:42:07,024 --> 00:42:09,568 And I heard this girl talking about how the coaches at Trudy's 734 00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:12,571 give the girls rubdowns after the meets. Like, everywhere. 735 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:14,365 Ugh. 736 00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:26,210 Thanks for bringing me, Barb. 737 00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:28,712 You know they're just gonna freeze, right? 738 00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:32,675 No. They're wintering tadpoles, so they go into hibernation. 739 00:42:33,717 --> 00:42:37,137 You know what? You're not so bad, kid. 740 00:42:39,098 --> 00:42:41,475 -[screaming] -Carol! No! Wait! 741 00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:43,978 Get in the car, Debbie! Hurry! Lock the doors! 742 00:42:44,061 --> 00:42:45,271 Let go! 743 00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:55,197 There's no button. There's no button. 744 00:42:55,281 --> 00:42:56,991 I can't get out. 745 00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:02,705 Let me out! 746 00:43:12,715 --> 00:43:15,843 Barb, what are you doing? 747 00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:20,306 [whimpers] Barb. 748 00:43:21,348 --> 00:43:22,891 Barb, what are you doing? 749 00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:30,274 -Barb, please! -I don't know what happened, Mommy. 750 00:43:30,357 --> 00:43:32,610 I told Debbie to stay in the car. 751 00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:35,696 Maybe she accidentally put the car in drive or something? 752 00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:38,324 You know how much she liked to pretend-drive with Daddy. 753 00:43:38,407 --> 00:43:40,618 Please! Please! 754 00:43:42,911 --> 00:43:44,955 Carol! Please! 755 00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,666 You're really gonna stick the landing this time, kid! 756 00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:50,210 [Carol laughs] 757 00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:52,546 [Debbie screaming] 758 00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:02,514 Help me! Please, Barb! No, no, no, no, no! 759 00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:05,434 Please, help me! Please, help, help, help! 760 00:44:06,518 --> 00:44:08,270 [chuckles] 761 00:44:08,354 --> 00:44:10,439 [humming "She's A Maniac"] 762 00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:23,952 -Where are you taking me? -Hawaii. What do you think? 763 00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:30,918 Sorry. Drinking my meals makes me cranky. I miss chewing. 764 00:44:31,001 --> 00:44:32,670 You're getting transferred to D-Block. 765 00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:34,755 You're lucky you have a friend in high places. 766 00:44:34,838 --> 00:44:37,299 And clearly he was high when he came up with this shit. 767 00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:40,594 Listen, those girls are gonna eat me alive. 768 00:44:40,678 --> 00:44:42,471 Tell him thanks, but no thanks. 769 00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:47,309 Yeah, I already filled out all the paperwork. So, no. 770 00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:04,952 You lost your way, little lamb? 771 00:45:05,035 --> 00:45:08,789 I just got transferred here, okay? I don't want any trouble. 772 00:45:08,872 --> 00:45:10,749 Well, that's convenient. 773 00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:13,794 Well, actually, no. But you see, those C-Block bitches, 774 00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:15,796 they wanted to kick my ass back to Puerto Rico, 775 00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:18,632 and there's still no electricity there, so... 776 00:45:18,715 --> 00:45:21,343 Just think of me as a friendly refugee. 777 00:45:21,427 --> 00:45:22,719 Mmm-mmm. 778 00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:28,892 Oh, my God! 779 00:45:28,976 --> 00:45:30,060 [grunts] Daya! 780 00:45:30,144 --> 00:45:31,562 Hey, you know her? 781 00:45:31,645 --> 00:45:33,856 You kidding? This is Gloria. 782 00:45:33,939 --> 00:45:36,191 Oh, shit, my bad. 783 00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:38,152 Little lady's been telling me all about you. 784 00:45:38,235 --> 00:45:39,445 Lucky you. 785 00:45:39,528 --> 00:45:41,864 Now you got your prison mommy and your prison daddy 786 00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:43,699 all in the same block. 787 00:45:45,033 --> 00:45:46,452 [Dayanara chuckles] 788 00:45:47,119 --> 00:45:48,871 Yo, come sit with me. 789 00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:54,168 [pounds on table] 790 00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:56,378 You two, get up. This table's taken. 791 00:45:56,462 --> 00:45:58,297 You... You see how I'm dismissed? 792 00:45:58,380 --> 00:46:02,050 One day, I will once again walk tall with a machete in my hand 793 00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,052 and then I will sit where I please. 794 00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:06,221 [man speaking indistinctly on PA] 795 00:46:07,514 --> 00:46:10,350 Yo, I haven't seen you in forever. 796 00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:14,146 Yeah. It must be forever 'cause shit sure has changed, huh? 797 00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:16,732 So I'm guessing you're top dog now? 798 00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:19,401 It's eat or be eaten. I chose both. 799 00:46:19,485 --> 00:46:21,570 You think this shit is funny? [scoffs] 800 00:46:22,404 --> 00:46:25,532 Oh, no. Don't tell me you're gonna be all judgy and shit about it. 801 00:46:25,616 --> 00:46:27,242 She's fun. 802 00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:31,038 Oh, no, yeah, she... She seems like a real treat. 803 00:46:31,622 --> 00:46:33,332 You never heard "gay for the stay"? 804 00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,461 'Cause I'm gonna stay in here forever. 805 00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:40,172 I'm not gonna lock up my box for the rest of my life. 806 00:46:40,255 --> 00:46:42,549 I don't give a shit who you unlocking your box for. 807 00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:44,176 I'm talking about you being high. 808 00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,221 -I'm not high. -The fuck you're not! 809 00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:49,806 Your pupils are as wide as fucking frying pans. 810 00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:52,017 Pupils get like this when you're in withdrawal. 811 00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:54,353 Oh, well, that's good to hear. 812 00:46:54,436 --> 00:46:57,898 So you're doing so many drugs you actually going through withdrawal? 813 00:46:57,981 --> 00:46:58,982 God. 814 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:02,152 Fuck. Why? 815 00:47:02,819 --> 00:47:05,072 Shit. Why not? 816 00:47:18,043 --> 00:47:20,337 -[Suzanne] Go, go, go! -[Piper] Yes! Yes! Yes! 817 00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:21,296 [Zirconia] Out! 818 00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,799 Dude! Fuckin' hit me in my ass with the ball! 819 00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:26,677 That's allowed in kickball. It's in the rules. You're out. 820 00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,220 [Pennsatucky] Eat shit, Gimpy. 821 00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:31,348 Nicely done on the awesome Florida recruits, Gapman. 822 00:47:31,431 --> 00:47:34,351 All right. Okay. 823 00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:37,437 [exclaims] 824 00:47:37,521 --> 00:47:42,568 The pitcher must have at least one foot on or behind the pitching strip at all times. 825 00:47:43,151 --> 00:47:44,486 Wow. 826 00:47:46,071 --> 00:47:46,989 Okay. 827 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:51,910 [all cheering] 828 00:47:54,162 --> 00:47:56,790 Way to go, Suzanne! 829 00:47:58,166 --> 00:47:59,626 [inmates cheering] 830 00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:06,008 All right, switch out! Switch out, come on. 831 00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:07,467 I wanna pitch. 832 00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:11,305 No. Shruti's pitching. Oh, and also, you suck. 833 00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:13,765 Once I caught a baby falling out of a tree. 834 00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:17,019 -Why not give Doggett a shot? -'Cause I fucking said so. 835 00:48:17,102 --> 00:48:20,355 Well, last we fuckin' checked, Chapman was captain. 836 00:48:20,439 --> 00:48:22,524 -She should be. -Certainly fuckin' acts like it. 837 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:27,404 Well, it does seem that Chapman has the skill set and leadership qualities. 838 00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:28,697 Everyone, shut the fuck up! 839 00:48:28,780 --> 00:48:32,910 Nah, nah. Nah, it's cool. It's cool. I think they're right. Uh, we, uh... 840 00:48:33,660 --> 00:48:35,704 We should vote for who's captain. 841 00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:39,708 Let's see how popular you really are, Chapman. 842 00:48:40,375 --> 00:48:41,877 You're saying that like it's an insult, 843 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,838 but really, that's just how you say my name. 844 00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:53,180 Anyone who recognizes Badison as our one true leader, say aye. 845 00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:54,890 [inmates] Aye! 846 00:48:55,891 --> 00:48:58,810 [Pennsatucky] Anyone who's not crazy and actually wants to win, 847 00:48:58,894 --> 00:49:02,814 and recognizes Chapman as our one true captain and leader, say aye. 848 00:49:02,898 --> 00:49:05,317 -Aye! -[laughs] 849 00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:09,404 This is bullshit. Fuckin' Florida always messes the vote. 850 00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:12,199 All right, Doggett. Let's see what you got. 851 00:49:13,909 --> 00:49:16,411 [blender whirring] 852 00:49:17,788 --> 00:49:20,207 You know, I read the ingredients in that stuff. 853 00:49:20,290 --> 00:49:23,377 It's all just crushed up cartilage and casein. 854 00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:26,797 Casein is an ancient superfood in a modern packaging. 855 00:49:27,798 --> 00:49:29,091 We're out, Hopper. 856 00:49:30,008 --> 00:49:32,636 Ginger, you scoop the last scoop, you throw it out. 857 00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:35,555 Like, if you use the last of the toilet paper, you change the roll. 858 00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:37,808 It's common courtesy. Civil contract. 859 00:49:37,891 --> 00:49:40,102 Sounds like someone's having roommate issues. 860 00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:43,647 No. Besides the TP thing and the abusing Nana thing, 861 00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:46,316 my roommate is searing perfection. 862 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:50,570 Good on you, Hopper. I'm glad you finally found someone. 863 00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:54,950 It gets wearisome after a while, seeing virile young men like yourself 864 00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:58,036 not able to connect with someone from the opposite sex. 865 00:49:59,037 --> 00:50:01,873 To sustain a successful relationship, 866 00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:05,127 you need to accept each other's faults, you know? 867 00:50:05,210 --> 00:50:07,629 And love each other anyway. 868 00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:11,216 And to see a stubborn goat like you 869 00:50:11,299 --> 00:50:16,179 break through your inner walls of self-protection and judgment, 870 00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:19,099 to really create a meaningful connection? 871 00:50:19,391 --> 00:50:20,559 [Ginger sighs] 872 00:50:21,518 --> 00:50:23,520 Almost feels like there's hope for the rest of us. 873 00:50:24,271 --> 00:50:25,856 See you tomorrow, Romeo. 874 00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:39,911 Well, how was it? 875 00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:45,542 That's gonna give you an ear infection. 876 00:50:45,625 --> 00:50:49,755 Just because we live together, does not mean I have to listen to you. 877 00:50:49,838 --> 00:50:51,465 Ah. 878 00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:55,677 This is how it starts, isn't it? First, they turn you against-- 879 00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:57,137 They? 880 00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:00,348 Funny, I have never met "they." 881 00:51:01,975 --> 00:51:04,936 Though I have met quite an array of people since being here. 882 00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:09,858 Um, there's the drug-running kind, the robbering kind, the tax-evading kind. 883 00:51:09,941 --> 00:51:14,738 There is the lying-behind-your-back kind, the liar-liar-pants-on-fire kind, 884 00:51:14,821 --> 00:51:19,367 the kind that locks the princess in the tower for no good reason kind. 885 00:51:19,451 --> 00:51:21,953 So many people, but "they"? 886 00:51:23,079 --> 00:51:27,501 Yeah. I still don't know what kind of people "they" are. 887 00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:29,669 The killing kind. 888 00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:32,422 No one has tried to kill me today. 889 00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:35,300 So... 890 00:51:40,222 --> 00:51:45,227 Look... I'm sorry I tried to Flowers in The Attic you. 891 00:51:45,310 --> 00:51:49,815 -[scoffs] -That was wrong, and you're right. 892 00:51:49,898 --> 00:51:53,026 They don't wanna kill you. It's me they're after. 893 00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:59,574 Guess I was afraid they'd figure out how to turn you. 894 00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:00,867 Turn? 895 00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:04,955 [scoffs] Me? Against you? 896 00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:08,250 Well... you are my roommate 897 00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:11,461 and you are susceptible. 898 00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:15,340 No, I am not susceptible! I am not! 899 00:52:17,175 --> 00:52:19,010 I am your friend. 900 00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:27,227 Navigating adult female friendships is so complicated. 901 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:30,063 I hear you, sister. 902 00:52:41,158 --> 00:52:42,200 [softly] Okay... 903 00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:52,335 I promise I will let you know if someone asks me to murder you. 904 00:52:55,922 --> 00:53:00,093 In fact, I could even be your spy on the outside. 905 00:53:00,176 --> 00:53:03,013 No, I spy with my little eye... 906 00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:07,350 Who are we looking for again, and why do they wanna kill you? 907 00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:15,233 You ever heard of the Little Debbie Murderers? 908 00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:18,945 Carol and Barb? 909 00:53:19,029 --> 00:53:22,991 This was my claim to fame when I was waitressing at Domingo's. 910 00:53:23,074 --> 00:53:26,036 Here we go. Barbie always has to be the center of attention. 911 00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:28,580 [all gasping in surprise] 912 00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:31,291 She puts a round piece of plastic and sticks it up against the lid. 913 00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:34,252 Carol, you ruin all the fun. 914 00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:35,837 [Carol] Mmm. 915 00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:39,382 Speaking of Domingo's, I got a story for ya. 916 00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:42,928 So it's post-game on a Friday, right? And our high school won 917 00:53:43,011 --> 00:53:46,973 and everyone goes to Domingo's after the game, especially if you win. 918 00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:50,226 So the place is packed, everybody's celebrating. 919 00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:53,605 It's the whole fuckin' town, and in the middle of the chaos, 920 00:53:53,688 --> 00:53:56,650 this guy at one of my tables asks me for the classifieds. 921 00:53:56,733 --> 00:54:01,071 And I'm like, "Now?" [chuckles] 922 00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:05,241 But I like his mustache, and he looks like he's a good tipper. 923 00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:09,746 So I go out to the parking lot and I buy the paper and I bring it to him, 924 00:54:09,829 --> 00:54:11,915 [stutters] and you know what he says? 925 00:54:11,998 --> 00:54:15,669 He's like, "Miss, why are you bringing me the classifieds? 926 00:54:15,752 --> 00:54:18,129 I asked for a glass of ice." 927 00:54:18,213 --> 00:54:20,757 [all laugh] 928 00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:27,180 Great story, Carol. Except, uh, that actually happened to me. 929 00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:30,392 -No, it didn't. -Yeah, it did. 930 00:54:31,393 --> 00:54:34,854 You know, life happens to other people, too, Barb. 931 00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:36,773 Besides, you weren't waiting tables that night. 932 00:54:36,856 --> 00:54:39,234 Exactly. 'Cause I was working the bar, 933 00:54:39,317 --> 00:54:41,569 and that's where he was when he asked for the ice. 934 00:54:41,653 --> 00:54:43,947 Which makes sense, because you order ice at the bar. 935 00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:46,116 Well, I remember going out to get the paper 936 00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:47,909 because I had to get change for it. 937 00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,996 And it was so fuckin' cold, I was freezing my fuckin' tits off. 938 00:54:51,079 --> 00:54:53,707 Now I know you're lying because you never had tits. 939 00:54:55,625 --> 00:54:59,295 Sounded to me like it was Carol's story. What do you think? 940 00:54:59,379 --> 00:55:02,549 I think we should walk away before we get caught up in their nonsense. 941 00:55:02,632 --> 00:55:04,384 Why do you always do this? 942 00:55:04,467 --> 00:55:06,886 Do what? Call out your bullcrap? 943 00:55:06,970 --> 00:55:08,096 Bull-true! 944 00:55:08,179 --> 00:55:09,848 -[snickers] -What? 945 00:55:09,931 --> 00:55:14,102 Nothing. Just... You do like to exaggerate. So, you know... 946 00:55:14,185 --> 00:55:15,562 Guess she agrees with me. 947 00:55:16,229 --> 00:55:18,315 -I'll fuckin' kill you! -Carol, get off! 948 00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:20,317 [all shouting] 949 00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:29,659 Got so bad, they put them in separate blocks. 950 00:55:29,743 --> 00:55:30,577 [Suzanne] Hmm. 951 00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:36,166 And from there, those two started turning us against one another. 952 00:55:36,249 --> 00:55:41,629 They expected us to buy into their fight. Take sides. 953 00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:45,967 I wasn't gonna die over some stupid story. 954 00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:48,136 Oh, uh... 955 00:55:49,095 --> 00:55:51,222 I swiped this for you on my C-Block run today. 956 00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:55,226 Yes! That's my girl. [laughs] 957 00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:58,980 Thank you. Come on. Sit, Nicky. 958 00:56:01,024 --> 00:56:03,193 Nah. Yeah, I should go. 959 00:56:04,903 --> 00:56:06,362 Barb, I think she's right. 960 00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:09,783 Relax, Daddy-O. Nicky's family. 961 00:56:10,575 --> 00:56:11,409 [Barb pats bed] 962 00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:12,911 Sit. 963 00:56:14,454 --> 00:56:15,622 [clears throat] 964 00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:18,792 Actually, I could use your brain on this one. 965 00:56:18,875 --> 00:56:19,918 [Nicky] Mmm-hmm. 966 00:56:20,001 --> 00:56:23,963 So, I have finally found a way to get Carol. 967 00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:28,218 We're gonna do it while she's getting that bird's nest on her head trimmed. 968 00:56:28,301 --> 00:56:31,888 The problem is, the hair clippers, they don't go deep enough. 969 00:56:31,971 --> 00:56:33,389 -The scissors are dull... -Man. 970 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:35,558 ...so we need some options. 971 00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:39,187 Now personally, I prefer a heavy, blunt object, okay? 972 00:56:39,270 --> 00:56:41,272 But shivs are easier to hide. 973 00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:44,984 And considering all the other girls that are gonna be in there, 974 00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:49,739 we need a few weapons handy. What do you think? 975 00:56:49,823 --> 00:56:52,742 I... Look, Barb, you can't do this. 976 00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:56,704 They're gonna throw you in the SHU. 977 00:56:58,873 --> 00:57:00,416 Not if we grease the right palms. 978 00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:04,462 Look, Barb, I'm telling you that this is too dangerous. 979 00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:09,968 Nicky, honey, I have no choice. 980 00:57:10,051 --> 00:57:13,638 You saw what she did to me. She will try it again. 981 00:57:13,721 --> 00:57:16,266 There's gotta be another way. 982 00:57:17,684 --> 00:57:21,479 Oh, what? What, you don't approve? Do you think I'm some kind of monster? 983 00:57:21,563 --> 00:57:24,983 Come on. Of course not. All right? I just... [groans] 984 00:57:25,066 --> 00:57:28,319 I'm concerned, that's all. 985 00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:34,159 You know, in a weird way, this is all thanks to you, Nicky. 986 00:57:34,242 --> 00:57:36,953 You helped me get sober. 987 00:57:37,036 --> 00:57:38,955 I feel like I've... 988 00:57:39,038 --> 00:57:42,041 I feel like I've woken from a long sleep. 989 00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:45,378 Like the world is flush with possibilities now. 990 00:57:46,546 --> 00:57:48,715 Ah. You're welcome. 991 00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:59,517 ♪ Sisters, sisters ♪ 992 00:57:59,601 --> 00:58:03,313 ♪ There were never such devoted sisters ♪ 993 00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:07,108 ♪ Never had to have a chaperone, no, sir ♪ 994 00:58:07,192 --> 00:58:10,862 ♪ I'm here to keep my eye on her ♪ 995 00:58:10,945 --> 00:58:14,574 ♪ Those who've seen us ♪ 996 00:58:14,657 --> 00:58:18,578 ♪ Know that not a thing Can come between us ♪ 997 00:58:18,661 --> 00:58:24,501 ♪ Many men have tried to split us up But no one can ♪ 998 00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:33,343 ♪ Lord, help the mister Who comes between me and my sister ♪ 999 00:58:33,426 --> 00:58:37,305 ♪ And Lord, help the sister ♪ 1000 00:58:37,388 --> 00:58:40,934 ♪ Who comes between me and my man ♪ 1001 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:53,446 ♪ Sisters, sisters ♪ 1002 00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:59,285 ♪ Sister, don't come Between me and my man ♪