[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
-[indistinct chatter] -I can do it.
If I approach with a reasonable and a health-positive offer,
she can't say no. Right?
Look, I would talk to her for you,
but I told Badison I'd no longer be her personal phone case,
so I'm trying to avoid owing favors.
Other than sexual ones to you, of course.
[Piper] Maybe her face is so scrunched up
because you can't move around. It's too crowded.
Regular physical exercise releases facial muscles.
I wouldn't lead with that. But you got this.
Ooh, Chapman's a real ringer for me.
Could be a double-digit opportunity for both us.
This game isn't as fun as I thought it would be.
How many points you got?
I haven't really been keeping track.
What the freight train? You gotta keep track of your points!
[stutters] I'm losing interest.
Unacceptable. Mmm-mmm.
Hello. I'm Chapman. I live on your block.
I was wondering if I could have a minute of your time?
Look, I don't want to step on anybody's toes,
but I recently spoke with the head of Rec, and we're bringing back kickball.
And I was wondering if you or your colleagues would like to join.
I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.
We're gonna get extra blacktop time,
and I also think it will be an opportunity to get some actual cardio,
because of all of the running bases.
-I know what kickball is. -Of course. Would you like to sign up?
I retired my kickball shoes.
Would it be okay if I asked some of the other girls?
It's a free country.
Thank you.
And if you change your mind, I'm gonna save a spot for you.
Oh!
[sighs] Freight train.
[indistinct chatter]
On a scale of one to Derek Jeter, how much do you hate that cookie?
I don't like her, with her clipboard.
No one starts things. I'm the starter.
[indistinct chatter]
Mmm.
Why is this powder?
I had to get a little creative.
[snorts] Whoa!
[coughing]
Creative how?
I mighta used a riot girl to score from C-Block.
Wait. You used my money to line the pockets of Carol-Block?
Desperate times.
But a temporary stop-gap, 'cause guess who bagged CO Enders?
[laughs]
Next week this time, be back in the pill business.
[chuckles and sniffles] Enders, huh?
Mmm.
How'd you flip her?
[chuckling] Shall I hazard a guess?
[exhales heavily]
I get it. I get it.
I started this business with a rimjob. [chuckles]
Receiving.
I don't kiss ass, with or without tongue.
But I have been known to shove my foot up one.
You wanna bend over for me? What are you not saying?
She wants 55%.
Oh. Oh, okay. Well... [chuckles] Could be worse.
[inhales deeply] That extra 20% comes out of your cut.
[sighs] Got it.
[sighs and clears throat]
Come here. Come. Come here.
[sniffling] Mmm-hmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Hi.
I don't like it when I have to be the bad fly.
[chuckles]
Guy. Lady. [chuckles]
What do you say we rewind, huh?
This is where you fucking say, "Yes, ma'am."
Yes. I got you.
Ma'am!
Jesus!
Oh, my God! What are the flies doing here?
I told Tonya to close the lid on the Dumpster.
[inhales deeply] Did she clock out?
[breathing heavily]
What did you take?
[grunting]
Do you have more?
[groaning]
-[bone clicks] -My elbow is clicking. You hear that?
Wait. Is your elbow emitting a high-pitched ringing
not unlike that of a tuning fork?
-'Cause that's the only sound I'm hearing. -It's like The Addams Family theme song.
♪ Doo-be-doo-bee, click, click ♪
I guess we are dialed in to different stations.
Thanks to you, those thugs fucked up my hinge joint
and I can't get that fucking song out of my head.
Oh, shit! You know what song I'm thinkin' about now? [grunts]
♪ The knee bone's connected to the Leave-me-the-fuck-alone bone ♪
I know your head hurts and all,
but you did get to stare into my cave of wonders.
So, you're welcome.
Well, I guess the gratitude part of my brain must've been damaged
when a bookshelf got slammed onto my head, because I was helping you.
On your feet, Flores. Your staycation from gen pop is up.
-The fuck? -Oh!
The doctor said to ice my ribs and rest for 72 hours.
And I have this click.
A new patient needs the bed,
and you're the least likely to die, so come on.
Oh, please, God, let the new girl be in a coma.
I haven't had my after-breakfast pudding.
This ain't the Best Value Inn. Check out is now.
Come on. You need help gettin' up?
[stutters] Don't touch.
[sighs]
Oh, no! No!
I see how it is now.
You kick out someone from C-Block so a deplorable can get the bed.
You outsource our jobs and repeal our healthcare?
[Barbara] Go away! Go away!
No. No! No!
-Should I call Burch for a Psych consult? -Help!
[doctor] No. She's high as a kite.
Let's see how she's doing when she comes down.
Strap her tightly. Let her ride it out.
Please, you cannot put this squawking chicken next to me, man.
I have a migraine. I need sleep.
Good luck with that.
-[Barbara] Please help me! No! -Calm down. It's okay!
[groaning continues]
[Fig] Can I get a fucking towel, please?
Give me a sec.
Towels. Towels. Towels.
I just gotta remember where I packed them.
How about this one? The one with "towels" written on it in Sharpie?
And it's full of books. Of course.
I got the boxes used.
[groans] Joe, you could have fuckin' relabeled.
Why?
I'll know it's books because it's heavy.
Also, when I open it up, I'll see books.
You didn't pull away.
I haven't had my coffee. My reflexes are compromised.
I am soaked. Find me a towel.
You're comfortable here.
Binge-watching Younger.
Reading Nordic noir in bed.
You take your bra off the second you walk in the door.
-The ladies like to breathe. -You see?
I'm finally getting to see the real Natalie.
It was more convenient to stay here
than to commute back and forth to Albany every day.
You've been seen sitting across from me while I eat in public.
Once at a Five Guys.
Relax.
It's like the last days of camp where everyone becomes best friends
and vows to stay in touch forever. It'll wear off a week after you're gone.
Speaking of, wasn't that supposed to be today?
I have one more thing to do.
And I need that shirt. The rest are in one of these boxes.
One more thing?
Let's do something special before I leave Monday.
Properly mark the occasion.
You are such a delicate flower.
I was thinking something like a quickie in the garden
at the FDR Presidential Library?
You so have been saving that up.
Since 11th-grade US history.
[chuckles] It's on my fucket list.
[chuckling]
-[indistinct chatter] -Let me ask you something.
Does this hair say "wrongfully accused" to you?
Mmm. That hair right there be sayin',
"Moisturize my ends. Please, Lord! Shea butter my shit."
[chuckles]
Why aren't you laughing? That's funny, talkin' hair.
Come on. I gotta get loose for my show.
Ey! Ey!
-[sighs] -Your hair is fine.
I don't know why I'm so nervous.
I mean, Sylvia says I'm not even gonna be on camera.
'Cause your face would break it.
[laughing]
I'm sorry.
That was low-hangin' fruit. You right. My bad.
Wait.
I thought you was done with interviews after the last one?
What you tryin' to do? Piss off the guards at every prison?
It ain't an interview.
All right? I have a trial deposition tomorrow.
I thought that wasn't for months?
[sighs heavily] No, man. Caputo is moving, so they wanna get his testimony now.
And he agreed to be a character witness and say nice things about me.
Like how I am not a murderer.
Shit.
And how I don't... [sighs] deserve the death penalty.
[groans]
[winces]
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. Just...
My back has been hurting lately.
Probably 'cause of them concrete beds in Ad Seg.
Might've pinched a nerve.
Vee used to lay on her back with, like, books under her head.
Said it aligned the spine.
-Yeah. Yeah, I could try that. -[Taystee sighs]
-Yeah. -[sighs]
Can I have one of those?
-I don't know what you're talkin' about. -[sighs]
Yo, I got jumped for you, remember?
[sighs]
I still got pain.
Trust me, you don't want this.
These are some bath salts from three years ago.
Sent four girls to Psych before we got it off the market.
Is that why Barb's in Medical?
You were trying to kill her?
[sighs] Nah.
Barb's a genuine addict. She can handle the punch.
[sighs] I'm just trying to buy some time is all.
She gets a little R&R in medical. And I get some time to think.
That's some Iago shit.
You know, the bird from Aladdin?
You don't get it.
Druggie Barb wants to have me killed.
Sober Barb will do it.
You sound paranoid and shit.
This morning, I caught my roommate messing with my toothpaste.
Damn. That's some messed-up shit.
[sighs]
I'll get Barb's habit covered with what CO Enders smuggles in, but...
it's not enough for the whole block.
[sighs]
I got no more ideas.
I maybe have an idea.
Hmm?
I already smuggled in jizz.
Jizz?
[clicks tongue]
[Spanish music playing over speakers]
All right, we're gonna take it to the left.
-She said left, stupid. -I went left.
This is left. See? "L" for left.
I'm confused.
Ladies! Let's control our bodies and remember the dancer's space.
Otherwise, accidents happen and you end up dancing from a chair.
I won't apologize for connecting to the music.
Which is why it's important to maintain proper form.
So that when you are out and the no-touching rule don't apply,
you can carry on with a partner.
[chuckles]
You know what? Hold on.
[chuckles] Oh, okay.
Okay. Put your arms like this. Let's go.
Oh, wow. Okay. See?
Nobody wants to see you flapping around like a balloon at a car dealership.
But if you take ownership of your personal space...
-Okay, relax. Okay? -Okay.
Just being a man is half of it.
Okay, tuck those hips in.
In, under, okay?
Let's go.
That's right.
Tuck it in. Tuck it in.
See the difference?
Very good.
Yes, move those hips, too. Move the hips.
-There you go! Luschek! -[chuckling]
Oh, it's, uh... I think the song's skipping.
All right. That's how it goes.
Now I'm really confused.
[Gloria] Oh, my goodness.
Okay. Let's, um... let's see those moves.
It takes some getting used to. The phone and the glass.
Just like the movies, Ma.
It's so good to see you. Thank you for coming, Vasya.
-I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. -No, it's fine.
-You're here now. That's what's important. -Hmm.
How is Yuri? And Maxsim?
They didn't want to visit their mamochka in the big house? Hmm?
Well, no, Yuri's good.
He got a trucking job with Salon du Chocolat.
He's gotta drive at night when it's cool or else the nougat melts.
-[chuckles] -So he sleeps during the day.
He got Maxsim a job. They're always on the road.
As long as they are working, that is good.
Yeah.
[in Russian] Without work, one cannot pull a fish out of a pond.
[in English] Once they get on their feet, they'll make time for their mother.
You could all come together.
Maybe bring the grandbabies.
They're old enough to make the drive now, huh?
Mmm.
And your father? He is good, too?
Yeah, Pop's fine.
I stay with him every once in a while, but he's barely, uh...
He is also working?
[stutters] No. Actually, no, Ma. He doesn't have a job right now.
Why didn't he come with you? Is he sick?
No, he's okay. He's got his colitis, but he's okay.
Did you not tell him I'm ready to see him again?
I told him, Ma. But, um...
I don't think he's ready to see you.
What do you mean?
Ma, he's... he's seeing someone.
A woman.
I don't know. I think he's happy.
[chuckles] Oh, Jesus.
Fuck.
[gasps] Oh, so that's why no one has fucking come to see me.
Because you're all covering for your father's wandering pecker.
[in Russian] Love is not potatoes. You cannot throw it out a window.
[in English] But he's still married. I did not raise you to look the other way.
Ma, you cut him out. You cut all of us out.
What did you expect?
I expected him to stay true to his marriage vows.
[in Russian] "Endure, and you'll fall in love."
[in English] That was the romantic proverb he pledged to me on our wedding day.
You see, this is why no one comes to visit you. Okay?
To be lectured by Old Country maxims.
You put this glass between us, Ma.
You. No one else. You did it.
[crying]
[Dayanara] You look nice.
Who's the sucker?
I don't need no man to look nice.
It's for my self-esteem and shit.
You gotta envision the life you want and then manifest it.
So cheetah print is your vision?
[sighs]
You wanna be a rug in some Saudi guy's house?
First of all, it's leopard.
And like a leopard, I'm fucking adaptable.
Leopards learn to drag their prey into the trees so that the lions can't get it.
Margarita's real into nature documentaries.
-Thought you were getting your own place. -I'm working on it.
Shit's expensive.
They want first and last month,
plus a security deposit, plus a fucking broker's fee.
And it gotta be a three-bedroom for the kids.
Look, I maybe got an idea that could help you get them back faster.
You got any of Cesar's old connects?
We just gotta get around Lassie.
I heard if you dip your underwear in coyote piss,
you can mask the smell.
What are you talking, mija? I gotta wear underwear now?
Yeah, 'cause you're gonna be sticking...
up your...
And then you're gonna stash it in that visitor's bathroom, and I--
Are you fucking crazy?
You want me to end up back in there with you?
They're my family, too.
You can't leave them in foster care. You said you needed money.
I'm getting money.
I'm killing it with the Nutri Herbal shit.
I'm about to make Captain's Club and get a three-day cruise to St. Thomas.
-That's bullshit and you know it. -No. You're bullshit.
[sighs]
I'm like a leopard. I learn from my mistakes.
And I ain't gonna let no lion take away my second chance.
We're back with our new advice segment, Asking for a Friend.
"Dear AFAF, I changed my whole life for this person.
I dyed my hair blonde, became a lesbian and got a tattoo of my lover's name."
Okay, I see the problem.
Okay, my advice is never get a tattoo of a lover's name.
Also, never use the word "lover."
I mean, have we learned nothing from Angelina Jolie?
Or Nick Cannon? [chuckling] Or Johnny Depp?
I mean, just because you change your tattoo to say "Wino Forever,"
doesn't mean we won't remember it once said "Winona."
[gasps] Johnny Depp was knockin' cowboy boots with Wynonna Judd?
Hmm, love can build a bridge.
Only acceptable name to tattoo on your body is your mother's.
But, like, don't do that. That's weird.
Um, just stick to, like, shooting stars for luck or, like, Bauhaus lyrics.
[groaning softly]
[sighs]
BRB with more straight-talk-a from Flaca.
And your girl, Tova.
-[groans] -God, can you, like, come up here, please?
My back is jacked. This the only way the pain is less than seven.
You should get that checked out.
No. I am done with prison doctors after Gyno Glenn.
Don't be comin' at me with your judgy face,
gripin' 'bout a yeast infection
when it ain't my choice to wear polyester panties.
It's like I'm talking to nobody. I can't find any kind of flow.
This segment is a dud anyway. It's killing our comedy.
No. We're helping people.
Writing letters when you got no other option is cathartic and shit.
It's like going to confession with a priest,
except no one's gonna molest you.
They're everywhere.
They're fucking everywhere.
Please! Please! Please.
They're gonna eat my face off.
-Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. -[breathing heavily]
-Who are they? -The flies.
Hmm. And how do you know they're gonna eat you?
They told me, with their little tiny hand-rubbing.
Excuse me.
I was recently appointed the Lord of the Flies. Okay?
So I happen to know that they're vegetarian.
Exactly. I'm a carrot.
Okay. Well, that's useful information. Thank you.
You see that giant green frog over there?
[gasps] Huh.
[Nicky] By the plant?
[gasps] Look! The frog ate him.
-[laughing] -Oh!
Merci beaucoup, Mr. Frog.
May I call you Edward Sutton Weaver III?
Oui.
[breathes heavily]
Cool. [sighs]
-[gasps] What if they come back? -Yeah.
[stutters] They can't find you if you're quiet.
They have five eyes.
All right. Look, don't worry. I'm gonna guide you out of the swamp.
Okay.
First, let's crouch down, okay? Real low.
[whispering] Lower. Lower.
Thank you so much for helping me.
[shushes] No fly zone.
[mouthing] Thank you.
[in Spanish] This weird thing happened with Luschek in class.
Weird? [scoffs] Luschek?
-Go on... -Well...
You know how fear makes Luschek, you know?
[in English] Oh, yeah. I heard about the Chapo. Yeah.
Would you describe me as, um... scary?
No, not really. Like, Mom scary.
Like, I-don't-wanna-disappoint-you scary.
[in Spanish] But I don't think he got hard because of that.
[grunting]
[breathing heavily]
At the time of this boner...
[breathing heavily]
[in English] where was his crotch?
Well, it was, like, grinding into my right thigh.
[in Spanish] But it was a teachable moment for the purpose of dance.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
This wasn't a fear boner.
[in English] That was a boner-boner. [chuckles] Luschek is into you.
[scoffs and sighs]
Oh, damn. The food is here. [in Spanish] Let's get you back down.
[in English] No.
[in Spanish] Doc prescribed Midol and not getting my ass beat again.
Better to stay here
till someone else fucks up and those bitches forget about me.
Wait.
[in English] Blues did this to you?
[sighs] All right.
Point those bitches out. I'll--
[in Spanish] For what?
End up with undiagnosed internal bleeding, too?
Nah, that's stupid.
[in English] I can go on six days without eating. That's how I won my first car.
You need to tell a guard or something.
[in Spanish] Who?
The one that beats Daya or the one that beats Taystee?
[in English] Must be someone
who doesn't buy into this alphabet war bullshit.
[scoffs] If I had your ass, I would ask Luschek.
[in Spanish] But I got my Tia Mirna's.
[in English] Everybody has their superpowers.
Ay, you stupid.
[Blanca winces and exhales]
I need 16 signatures
in order for Luschek to open the yard for kickball practice.
I canvassed the block all day and I have three signatures.
Three!
One of which is Beth the Babykiller.
Which is too long of a name to put on a kickball jersey.
I'll sign up. That makes four. Quarter way there.
I already forged your signature.
We're engaged. It's legal.
[chuckles] You seem to forget that I have a busted shoulder.
Might not be much help in the outfield.
I thought that you could be designated kicker,
which means I'm actually short 14 spots.
Kickball is classic childhood fun. Why doesn't anybody wanna play?
Guys? I'm asking you.
Come on, Dwight?
You look like you've... seen sports.
It's not really a great time for me to be in the vicinity of flying balls.
[chuckling]
Balls.
And what's your excuse?
Okay. That's fair.
Oh, man, white girl, I would join,
but I am swamped with Salsa Fitness by Gloria.
I gotta make lesson plans, come up with new eight-counts--
Everybody is complaining about the loss of these cheese jobs
and having nothing to do,
so I offer a little bit of extra time in the open air--
Well, open air barely visible through a slatted roof.
Organized sports are nature's anti-depressants.
Remind me why you give a shit, Pipes.
Because this place sucks.
At night, we're locked in a box, which is locked in a cage,
which is locked in a windowless compound, and I cannot do anything to change that.
But I can reinstate kickball.
A small, tiny thing that will make this place suck less.
Both while I'm here and for those who come after.
That's actually really nice.
Maybe you could try tetherball?
[chuckles] It doesn't matter what I choose. Nobody's going to sign up.
-I bet Badison's behind this. -[Badison laughs]
She's marking her territory all over my stuff.
Maybe nobody's signing up because of this, uh, gang shit.
This block system is totally insane.
I mean, we're supposed to bow down to those mousey bitches?
Be all C-Block ride or die, no reasons? [tsks]
That's how Max operates. Gangs run this place.
Personally, I like having a team.
-You know what is all about teams? -Please don't say the word "kickball."
It ain't a team if they're attacking their own.
Ask Blanca.
This is like how they tame elephants to stay in a box.
First, they tie them with a rope when they're babies.
And then by the time they're fully grown, you can keep them in there with a string.
They also savagely beat them with bullhooks.
I'm not sure how applicable that is to this situation.
You know what? Busted nose is right.
Gangs trick you into feeling like you got no other option,
but we each got our own power.
Chapman, you wanna make kickball happen? Make kickball happen.
These aren't the only bitches in this prison.
Break the string.
[Flaca] Good morning, Maxinistas!
Oh! Whoa!
Got a whole stack of letters to get through.
[scoffs] My girl Flaca was right. Y'all got hella problems.
And, uh, we must be some kind of advice goddesses.
-[Flaca] Mmm-hmm. -Hmm.
This one looks interesting.
"Dear Asking for a Friend, me and my friend got caught up in a thing.
I lied to protect myself and now my friend is going down for it.
The guilt is killing me. It's giving me stomach aches.
I think I might have an ulcer. What should I do?"
-[breathes heavily] -Wow.
That's, like, a real pickle for our poor letter-writer.
[chuckles] I got this one, Tova.
Speak on it, sis.
I got a best friend.
She's in a facility 1,500 miles away,
and I think about her every day. [chuckles]
I think about her when I'm putting on my makeup
and when I'm taking off my makeup
and when I'm thinking about what makeup I'm gonna do.
'Cause that's what friends do.
But this letter-writer?
She's a traitor and a hater.
You need to take blame for what you did.
[stutters] Well, no, I really don't think she did something.
She said she lied about something.
Yeah, "lied." [scoffs]
Lied about being a person capable of friendship,
and now her stomach acid is punishing her because... uh, she's a selfish bitch.
Whoa, whoa. Language.
"Bitch" is fine.
Betty White said it on Hot in Cleveland.
[sighs]
[Flaca] If I met this letter-writer,
I'd say, "There are two things I don't like about you.
-Your face--" -Well, sass it down a notch.
Well, this writer should suffocate herself for making the world a worse place.
Ow!
What the hell?
[sighs]
You understand that everything you say here today
is under oath and will be recorded and may be used during trial?
I do.
Please state your full name for the court record.
Joseph Salvatore Caputo.
Mr. Caputo, can you describe the nature of your relationship
with the defendant, Ms. Tasha Jefferson?
Ms. Jefferson was an inmate under my care
at the Litchfield Correctional Institution.
And you were warden of this facility?
[stutters] Technically, the director of human activity
but that's corporate speak.
Ms. Jefferson was also assigned work duty as my secretarial assistant.
Personally chosen by me, I might add,
due to her placing first in our mock jobs fair.
How would you describe your working relationship?
I'd say she was an excellent assistant.
She was very dedicated to her job.
Easy to motivate, amenable to criticism. [sighs]
Stubborn, but a great attitude.
[chuckling] She dropped her fair share of phone calls,
but, in her defense, the phones could be tricky at Litchfield.
We had a good working relationship.
[upbeat song playing over radio]
You ever been to Farmer Cubana?
They have the most incredible pulled pork sandwich.
It's 9:00 a.m.
[scoffs] That's the beauty of brunch. If you can have French toast at 2:00,
you can have barbeque in the morning, you know.
Not a brunch person, or...
I read you should only eat fruit before 11:00 for the digestion.
Hmm.
[gasps] Uh, I know this other place. It's called Urban Soul.
They have this live bluegrass trio, they're amazing, and bottomless mimosas.
That don't sound fun to me.
[stutters] Uh, we could go to Costco. We get a rotisserie chicken
and check out the free Eagles cover band in the park.
I don't like none of those things.
Come on, I mean, it's... I have the whole day off.
What do you normally do on the weekends? You know, with your boyfriends?
Ain't no weekends when you're in sales. Saturday is my biggest day.
People finally home to open their doors.
What if I bought what you make on a typical Saturday?
-Four cases. -[scoffs] Deal.
I meant five. And you gotta pay for Sunday, too, 'cause of the commute.
All right.
If you're hungry, I know a place that makes amazing mofongo.
-Mofongo? [laughs] -Mofongo. You're gonna love it.
[indistinct yelling]
[indistinct chatter]
Pendejo, you couldn't give me another minute?
Yeah, you're a real gentleman, huh?
Yo, be careful with my shit, bro.
Where the hell you been?
I've been callin' you all night.
Is that my shirt?
You pissed it's not on the sidewalk with all your other shit?
If you'd paid your half, it wouldn't be.
The landlord sent his wife this time, so I couldn't jerk him off.
My mom's on her way with a U-Haul,
but she got wedged under a bridge, she gotta wait for a tow truck.
I don't wanna live with your mother.
[chuckles] Good, 'cause you're not invited.
My moms don't trust women. You gotta find somewhere else.
Yo, be careful with my shit.
Don't just stand there.
Ain't you never seen somebody be evicted before?
Go get boxes and donuts.
[sighs]
I'm so happy you decided to come.
I'm telling you, it's lovely to be around people who don't judge you.
And you're sure some D-Blockers will be in here?
Non-hostile, athletically-inclined ones?
This is a safe space.
[Maria] "...be thrown into the sea, with a millstone tied around their neck
than to cause one of these little ones to stumble."
"So watch yourselves.
If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them,
and if they repent, forgive them."
Religious people are a peaceful people.
-"And even if they sin against you..." -Not historically.
"...seven times in one day
and come back to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive them."
And what does this mean to you?
[stutters] I don't know. I read and re-read this so many times.
I don't know. I think it's kinda bullshit.
I know I'm not supposed to say that in here,
but it just doesn't make sense.
What about, "Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me. But fool me seven times,
then you deserve what's coming to you?"
And maybe that's the kind of thinking that got me in here in the first place.
Maybe if somebody messes up that many times,
it's more about them hurting or something.
And that me retaliating isn't gonna fix that problem,
only make a new one.
Thank you for sharing, Maria.
Now, would anyone else like to share their insights...
[whispering] I have always been partial to that Maya Angelou quote,
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
I don't hate that.
[Piper whispering] When I first got here,
you were really pregnant and you were kind of nice.
Yeah? Okay, look, we were never friends.
But you didn't hate me at first.
I know I'm supposed to talk about "The Judgment of Solomon,"
but today, I want to talk about the Cult of the Holy Virgin.
I told you I googled that. It's not a real thing.
That is because the Internet is controlled by men,
-and the Cult is for women only. -[chuckling]
The Internet does not want the world to know.
But the man will not keep us down.
We have been cast out for too long.
I'm doing this thing. It's kind of stupid. I'm starting a kickball league.
Um, I need 16 signatures. We get extra yard time.
[whispering] If you wanna, uh, sign up...
[Adeola] It cannot be contained.
It has been too long that our power and our flower has been ignored.
But what if we took all of the flowers and combined them,
and the smell would be overpowering,
and it would be a different world, it would be a smarter world,
it would be the world of gardens?
You were also present for the riot negotiations,
spearheaded by Ms. Jefferson, were you not?
Not from the start, but I was brought in about halfway, yes.
What was your impression of my client during that time?
She took her role as lead negotiator very seriously.
She was articulate. She was prepared with statistics.
It is not easy to go toe-to-toe with Natalie Figueroa, let me tell you,
but she did.
She was focused on improving the conditions of the prison,
which is more than I can say for most of her fellow inmates,
who were just reveling in the... "the Purge."
Thank you, Mr. Caputo.
I have no more questions.
Mr. Caputo.
It seems you had a very close relationship with the defendant.
I take my role as rehabilitator very seriously.
During the defendant's incitement of the riot,
a crime to which she has already pleaded guilty,
was there ever a point where you feared for your life?
No. Never.
Really? Not once during three days of kidnapping and false imprisonment?
No.
Were you scared when Ms. Jefferson physically assaulted you?
-I wouldn't say she assaulted me. -I barely--
My client apologizes.
The former head of public relations at MCC
has testified that he witnessed Ms. Jefferson punch you in the face,
resulting in blood, quote, "pouring from your nose."
Did that not happen?
Yes, it did, but--
This was after the defendant, along with three other inmates,
trapped you in your office and threatened you
with various homemade prison weapons,
including "a board lined with rusty nails"?
Could you answer out loud, please, for the court reporter?
Yes.
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[clears throat]
Nice try with Enders.
It's too bad she got busted coming in this morning.
Turns out tucking shit in your undertit
doesn't work so well after a breast reduction.
And why do women do that, huh?
I mean, outside of cancer, why would a woman ever make her tits smaller?
Fucking serves her right.
We should start a club.
We're injury buddies.
[chuckles] We were never buddy-buddies.
Not too late to start.
Did you want something, gimpy?
Thought you should know, your girls are falling down on their job.
Not watching your back like they should.
Why do I need to watch my back?
Heard some inmates talking about a coup.
Trying to undermine your position. Like Gloria, for one.
Gloria? Which one is Gloria?
[scoffs and laughs]
What, is she gonna lead a Dance Dance Revolution?
She gettin' all up on Luschek.
And not because of his undeniable sexual magnetism.
What's that? You got an eye thing?
I'm saying, she getting close to him for the wrong reasons.
Your reasons.
What do you think you know?
I'm an appreciator of beauty.
I watch Luschek and when I watch him, I see what I see.
Like, how every day he got a different phone.
Understand me?
Oh, I'm starting to overstand.
It's Zirconia, right?
If your intel shakes out, I might start calling you Diamond.
[Badison chuckles]
Actually, cubic zirconia are optically flawless,
so, you should probably stick with the "Z" word.
Lady, your real name is Irene.
I call you Diamond, be grateful.
So she's the one who OD'ed, but it's my fault?
Christ. Firstborn's supposed to be the responsible one,
so how come I had enough sense not to get hooked on my own product?
Classic junkie. It's always somebody else's fault.
Junkie's got nothing to do with it.
Family always blames family.
Yesterday, my son told me that I'm the reason
my husband is prematurely ejaculating into a divorcee from Sheepshead Bay.
[scoffs] The problem with family is expectations.
Unconditional love, my ass-crack.
Gotta earn my affections. They're not a right.
Exactly. I spent weeks apologizing to my son, begging him to visit,
when I was the one who grew him from a speck of nothing.
Fed him milk from my breast for three fucking years
and now my tits hang like shriveled figs.
[laughs]
"Aw, Mommy, please come visit me. I'm so sad you only visit Barbie."
Fuck unconditional love. Hate keeps me warm at night.
-In Russia, we have a saying. -Hmm.
[in Russian] "Those who love you will make you weep.
Those who hate you will make you laugh."
You don't even have to translate that. I hear you loud and clear.
Sit there. Across from me.
She's my partner now.
Thinking you're a runaway carrot is nothing.
I remember this one time I was so fucked up,
I go and I knock on the elevator door and nobody answers,
-I took a shit in the hallway. -[laughing]
Yeah. Reasonable.
[stutters] And the next morning,
I wake up in bed next to Katie Buhrmaster's super hairy brother
and I found out that I had sold him
my entire Beanie Baby collection for one bump.
That doesn't sound so bad.
I had Humphrey the Camel, okay?
And Garcia the Tie-Dyed Bear.
Also, I am gay.
The next morning was the first time I tried to get sober.
Last time I was sober was, God... 30 years ago.
I was the good daughter.
When I first got here, man, I had ethics.
Strictly sell.
I didn't even touch my own supply until that rat, Frieda, fucked everything up.
I got added years. I could've been out by now.
Not dodging assassination attempts by my own sister.
[chuckles] Well, this place will bring out your dark side.
Yeah. I learned that the last time I was here.
You were here?
Fuck. Maybe it really is time to get sober.
There is too much going on around here that is getting by me.
Eighth time's the charm. That's what I'm hoping.
What's the point of being sober in here, huh?
I mean, nobody wants to feel this.
My guru, Jolene, says that I am resting up for my next life.
Hopefully as an only child.
I have found that it's a lot easier to just be present for your current life
rather than constantly trying to score to shut it out.
Like, uh, saying, there is no shutting it out.
Also sometimes you gotta do some really ugly shit to score.
Denning, you've been cleared for meds.
Yeah, I don't need it.
That was colossally bone-headed.
You could've sold that shit. This is the seller's market.
[chuckles]
[Nicky clicks tongue]
I brought your favorite.
Simple, but classic.
Here.
They're my apology chips.
My mom said no.
I tried, I swear.
She picked right now to be this good, lawful person
for the first time in her life.
Maybe we could find somebody else. You got family or a brother?
I got no one.
Without product, I got nothing to offer in here,
so it's best to walk away before you're a target by association.
At camp, I heard that they trained a chicken to come through the fence.
We don't go outside.
No. But the girls were saying that they're gonna bring back kickball.
Don't you get it?
If there was a way to bring shit in, I would've thought of it.
Sometimes you gotta say dumb ideas to get to a good one.
You want drugs that bad?
Are you that fucking desperate?
It's not about the drugs.
Are you gonna make me say it?
You've been nice to me.
[sighs]
I don't wanna be alone.
[sniffles]
[both breathing heavily]
Shit.
[grunting]
[sighs]
[clears throat]
Is it better if I say sorry or just not address it?
Oh, it's cool. I came, like, a bunch of times, too.
Really?
No, stupid. That took, like, three seconds.
Hmm.
I made you breakfast.
-It's a chocolate one, not spinach. -Oh. [chuckles]
[slurps]
Mmm!
Maybe you could take a container to work.
The other guards might like it.
[sighs and sniffles]
You know what? I bet the guys would go nuts for it.
You know, you might even get, like, three new customers.
Yeah. Great. Three. Hmm.
I'll have my own place in no time.
Hey, I told you, you can stay here as long as you need.
[sighs]
This ain't big enough for me and my kids. Plus, your grandmother lives here.
Yeah, but she never comes out.
[sighs]
[chuckles] Listen, I'm gonna be back around 7:00.
In case maybe you wanna make dinner.
[stutters] Not in a blender.
And nothing too spicy. That aggravates Nana's night reflux.
Okay. [sniffles and sighs]
[door closes]
[sighs]
[Spanish music playing over speakers]
Again.
[laughs] That was so good.
Wow. You're in the groove. I think that was the best class yet.
It was maybe top three. At most.
[Gloria] Um...
We gotta talk.
I know. I'm sorry.
I didn't know if it was better to apologize to you after the fact
or pretend like it didn't happen.
Uh, I wasn't talking about that.
No? I mean, me, neither. [stutters] What are we talking about?
[sighs]
It's this gang shit. It's out of control.
And no offense, but the COs are doing nothing
and people are getting really hurt in here.
I wouldn't say we're not doing nothing.
I mean, we canceled mixed yard and put Swope in the SHU.
That don't matter when C's attacking C. It's gone intra-block now.
I will definitely look into that.
And I will talk to the interim warden,
even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a flying fuck.
Well...
you got charm.
Use it.
[sighs] You know, you're at least 15 years too old for him.
I don't know what you're talking about.
If you ever go into that class again,
I'll have Shruti cut out your thyroid in your sleep.
She was one test away from being an ENT surgeon.
Feel me?
You need all these books?
I didn't know half the words those lawyers were saying.
It was like a scene out of Boston Legal.
And then this prosecutor lady was coming for me.
She tried to paint me as some... revenge monster.
Broken by the system, my ass.
[sighs]
You got good people on your side, too.
You said your lawyer was hella smart.
I don't know if that's enough.
It was nice to hear all those things that Mr. Caputo was saying about me.
After all that him and I had been through,
for him to step up like that, man...
[sighs] He's a good egg.
-[groans] -Hey! Are you okay?
[breathing heavily]
I gotta tell you something.
It's real bad, T.
Come on, now. You know you can tell me.
[breathing heavily]
I...
[cries]
[Black Cindy sighs]
I got a daughter.
-Oh. -[cries]
[sighs] Look, that's cool.
I mean, how old is she?
Thirteen.
She doesn't even know she's my kid.
She thinks she's my sister.
Look, that happens. All right?
Some people think that Solange is Beyoncé's daughter.
I didn't even tell the dad, neither.
Instead, I lied to protect myself.
He out there walking around, no clue what could hit him.
I'm in here pretending like it didn't even happen.
Going on in life like... like...
Like nothing.
I'm sorry, T. I'm sorry I lied to you.
[inhales sharply] I'm not a good person.
No.
-I'm not a good person. -I know you. All right?
There is so much good in you. You had your reasons.
I'm not a good person, T.
No. All right? No. No.
You are a good egg, too.
[crying] I'm not a good person, T.
-[pounding at door] -[exhales]
[scoffs] What do you want?
If you'd answer your fucking phone, I would tell you.
I can't fucking find it. It's probably in a box with my towels.
I'm moving, remember? You banished me to Missouri.
[scoffs] I should've banished you from opening your mouth,
I didn't think I needed to tape that shut.
What are you talking about?
I am talking about being a good employee, Joe!
Toeing the company line
and not fucking the people who pay your checks.
How is taking a bottom-feeding job not toeing the company line?
Jack Pearson personally called me to ask me
why you were on the defense witness list for Tasha Jefferson.
You are making me look like a fucking idiot for not firing you.
Are you trying to get me fired?
Linda, it's not about you.
I am trying to do the right thing by that girl.
Well, this isn't about the right thing, Joe.
And stop acting like you're above all this.
Stop acting like you can just do... whatever you want without consequences.
MCC's dirt is your dirt.
You're MCC.
Yeah.
No. Not anymore.
I quit.
[scoffs]
[exhales]
[indistinct chatter]
-[Alex laughs] -Oh, that's right.
Oh, no, I didn't order this.
Open the book, JonBenét.
[gasps and laughs]
Yes! Yay! [laughs]
Look who got kickball going.
There must've been divine intervention.
Your D-Block friend got all the church ladies to sign up.
I told you God is real.
Like in that movie they made
based on the kid's memoir that turned out to be a hoax.
[sighs]
I feel like I should warn you that I am not a graceful loser.
[scoffs] You didn't get kickball. You got D-Block kickball.
I just offered it to anybody who wanted to play.
You said I could ask the other girls.
If Barb's bitches are playing, we gotta have our own team.
Akers, Creech, Chambal, both Amys, you're joining kickball.
-Yeah, I call pitcher. -Damn it!
Can we change it to dodgeball?
Badison, you're in charge.
We can call it Badison News Bears. [laughs]
That's stupid.
Oh.
Great.
Diamond! Yo, you can be base coach.
For real?
-[indistinct chatter] -[imitates airplane roaring]
[inhales deeply]
If we're gonna do this,
we gotta be smarter this time.
["The Lion Sleeps Tonight" playing]
♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh ♪
♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh ♪
♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight ♪
♪ In the jungle, the quiet jungle The lion sleeps tonight ♪
♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh ♪
♪ Near the village, the peaceful village The lion sleeps tonight ♪
♪ Near the village, the quiet village The lion sleeps tonight ♪
♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh ♪
[vocalizing]