[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
[door buzzes]
Ladies and garbage, hope you used your 36 hours of alone time
to think about exactly when and where your lives went so horribly wrong.
If you didn't, don't worry.
We'll be coming around to remind you that this is rock bottom.
Let's flip 'em.
-They're coming! Fuck! They're searching. -[guards shouting]
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
No, no. Not my hot sauce. Not today.
-That's your contraband? -Don't you judge.
You're the dummy trying to Shawshank her phone into a wall scratch.
This is not my phone. I'm holding it for someone.
This hot sauce reminds me of my Nana when she took me to the food bank
on the best Thanksgiving ever.
Some asshole tried to grab my tit. She shot Tabasco in his eye.
-Well, there's only one option here-- -Dump it.
Prison purse. Avert your eyes.
[panting]
So... how's Badison?
Any infection from that dirty shiv? Sepsis, maybe?
That was some vicious, vicious stuff.
It looked like it went in there pretty deep.
Any word on how the attack's gonna affect us?
Longer lockdown? Another 12, 24 maybe?
Hmm.
Solitude is refreshment for the soul, after all.
Naomi Judd said that. Wise.
Maybe another 48?
We ask the questions around here, Chapman.
Yeah.
You're in here till every inmate and bunk has been thoroughly and properly searched.
Dude, you just answered the question.
I wasn't specific.
Against the wall, Creech.
Inside the brace.
Like I would have anything in my brace. That's, like, day-one-basic-bitch shit--
The brace, Vause.
My arm is broken. Just--
Ow.
Please. Ow!
Shoes off.
[Dixon] Found something.
Check out this hairball, dude.
This could be used to choke someone. Nice try, Creech.
Back to your cell, inmates.
You okay?
Nope. Cap popped off.
[buzzer sounds]
With lockdown period over for all applicable blocks,
recreation times will be completely separated by block
until further notice.
Litchfield Maximum Security inmates are to resume normal protocol,
per the T-1 Monday to Friday schedule.
[panting]
You summoned me?
[breathes heavily]
You know our lockdown is over, right? You don't have to stay in here no more.
There's nothing for me out there.
Exes and junkies, oh, and my boss who's about to find out
that her entire fucking stash has been wiped out...
while she's going through withdrawal.
You still mad at me.
I'm mad that I'm fucked.
Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't think it through.
I'm in so much pain half the time, I didn't--
You got friends in C-Block, right?
Yeah.
I was thinking you could make a buy off them.
Help out the block.
Is that how it works? You can just do that?
No, you can just do that.
You came through with people over there, right?
Right.
Look... I want to help, but, like, I don't have that type of money.
Don't worry about the money. I got you covered.
[Dayanara sighs]
Incoming! [mimics braking]
I got 36 hours worth of lockdown mail right here.
More?
Letters, postcards, marriage proposals,
art, signed head shots from non-celebrities.
Give me that.
Oh, and someone sent you a prosthetic arm.
[chuckles] What?
Yeah. They said they believed in you and they wanted to lend you a hand?
I thought it was cute. Still had to confiscate it though.
I'm thinking of using it as a robe hook for my bathroom door.
[Taystee sighs]
-Looks like you got a lot of fans. -Yeah. And I got a lot of enemies, too.
They're just messing with you.
Which reminds me...
I managed to save this before it went into the trash.
Looks like some sort of interview request. I don't...
"ProPublica is a nonprofit that uses investigative journalism
to spotlight injustice.
We are requesting an interview with inmate Tasha Jefferson."
Don't know what I'm supposed to do with this.
Well, it doesn't seem hard.
You want people to know you're innocent, so you do the interview.
Wait. Can I even do an interview in prison?
Shit! Uh, uh... Beth the Babykiller did a Dateline ID.
Get your new lawyer on it.
I don't know, man. I don't know if I'm the right person to be doing this.
What happened to the old Tasha Jefferson? The feisty one from back in the day?
Yeah, that girl is... [scoffs] long gone.
Welcome to Storky's,
home of the all-new Biscuit Burger and Gravy Bundle.
May I take your order, please?
Y'all not open?
[Taystee] No, sir. We're just doing the window tonight.
Well, I'd like a large chicken sandwich
and one small container of 2% milk.
I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell chicken here.
-Y'all don't sell chicken? -Uh, no, sir. We do not.
No chicken nuggets or chicken fingers? How about chicken strips?
Unfortunately, no, because it's all in the chicken family.
If y'all don't sell chicken, then how come there's a chicken on your sign?
[chuckles]
Uh, sir, that's not a chicken. That's a stork.
Well, let me have a stork sandwich, then.
Girl, he want a stork sandwich.
-No, sir. We-- -No, you cannot. So, goodbye.
-Girl, what are you doing? -Uh... [chuckles]
Oh, aw...
Now he drove off. That's why there's only one Storky's left.
And you left the drink syrup out again. [sighs]
It's...
For real? No wonder Wayne gave you another citation.
[clicks tongue] Fuck Wayne!
Girl, you know, he call that little space behind that Method Man cutout his office.
[scoffs]
He was like, "You not pushing the add-ons like the Gravy Bundles enough."
And then he was like...
"Yo, come on.
If you don't change your attitude,
I'mma write you up for being an unhappy host. You want that?"
And what'd you say?
I was like, "Bitch, of course, I'm an unhappy host.
Don't nobody want to be working at fucking Storky's."
-You did not say that. You are lying. -[giggles]
-[beeping] -Oh, customer up.
Yeah, you're right. I was like, "No, sir, Mr. Wayne, sir. Oh!"
Welcome to Storky's,
home of the all-new Biscuit Burger and Gravy Bundle.
-May I take your order, please? -Yeah. Can I get three Storky Dogs...
Three Storky dogs.
-...eight Biscuit Burgers... -Eight Biscuit Burgers.
...four Lil' Burgers and Bag O' Fries?
-That's it? -Yeah, for sure.
That's it.
All right. Would you like to add on Gravy Bundles for 99 cents?
-Sure. -Uh-huh.
All right. So your order will come to $21.34.
Drive to the window, please.
Hey... what's your name?
-There he go. -There he go again.
-Tasha. -[Dru] Tasha.
[boys laugh]
Hey, Tasha... you sound cute.
-Is you cute? -I don't know. Are you cute?
No, he is not cute.
-He's not? -Mm-mm.
Ooh!
Oh, shit, you right.
But look at that guy in the passenger side, though, he could get it!
He could definitely get it.
Why don't you ask him to come hang out?
Okay. All right, all right. [clears throat]
There you go. Thank you.
So...
Good night.
[boys laugh]
-The fuck, Tamika? -Ow!
Hater!
What I was not gonna do was hang out with driver side all night
while you flash those dimples at passenger seat.
No. Uh-uh, no way.
Come on, they could have made this night fun.
[laughs] True.
But you know what else could give us some fun tonight?
-Fuck, yeah! -[screams]
-Ah! -Get it. Get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, even though I've completely lost my sense of smell,
my hearing is incredible now.
You're not missing nothing. This whole place smell like belly button.
It's like that saying, "When life hands you lemmings--"
It's lemons, you idiots. The saying, it's,
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
-Not where I'm from. -Yeah, you don't know her experience.
-Hold up. -[Dwight] In vet school,
we'd say, "When life hands you lemmings, hand 'em back,
'cause those things got teeth."
[Ginger] Hold for entry. Stand against the wall, inmates.
[Zirconia] Dang, who you gotta sex to get up in there?
Frieda.
[Zirconia] She hiding in there 'cause someone out here
-got a real bandana against her. -You mean, "vendetta."
[Zirconia] Whichever one mean someone want to beat your ass.
[Dwight] Yeah, I heard she started a gang war.
Like, before we were born. In the '80s.
And now she in there with the pudding.
While we're out here with the shit.
Hey, hey. Psst. We need to talk about your roomie.
Tell me about it.
Do you know what I found underneath her bed?
A pile of chewed-up fingernails.
I am serious. [whispering] I have a cell phone in my shoe.
No, you don't.
Yes, you do. Oh, God. Where?
I'm wearing a sock, a cell phone and another sock.
Where did you get a cell phone?
Shh! Murphy. She tossed it to me during the fight
and now I don't know what to do with it.
Well, where did she [whispers] get a cell phone?
I may or may not have hinted to her that Luschek is morally corruptible.
No, no, no, no, no. No. This is how they get you.
This is a gateway cell phone.
You're a part of a gang now. Are you a part of a gang now?
No. No.
No?
No question mark. I told you she was a wily no-goodnik,
but you were like, "Relax, babe."
But now they're gonna drag you into their dirty dealings.
And I'm almost done with my time here, so I really gotta keep my nose clean.
But you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna chase you straight to the drama because I love you.
You need to relax, babe.
I felt bad for her.
She was... being shunned by Carol for fucking up her drug supply.
She needed a new racket to save her ass.
Why doesn't Luschek ever morally corrupt my way?
-I gotta work on that. -[sighs]
Can I see it?
Are you crazy? With the guards on high alert? Fuck no!
Please? I just wanna hold it to my ear for a sec.
Feel the screen warmth. I miss technology so much.
It's not happening. Besides, it's only 17% battery left.
What did you do with all the battery?
We were on 36-hour lockdown. Sue me for going down a Pinterest hole.
By the way, there were these handcuff cake toppers.
[clicks tongue] They would've been perfect.
While I am jealous you got to stare at Pinterest,
I think it's really cute that you were looking at wedding stuff.
[inmates cheering]
Can't keep me down. Back in the building, bitches. What?
Beat it, Brock.
Carol... does this mean you ain't mad at me no more?
No. You're still a fucking twit for that stunt you pulled.
[chuckles] Okay, okay.
What if I told you that I found us a new pot of gold
and the rainbow to slide in on?
Yo, Vause!
Oh, jeez. What did I tell you?
Gateway cell phone. Alex, do not go over there.
Don't worry, I can handle this.
[Badison] Why you walking like Igor?
My foot fell asleep.
Jump up and down. Get that blood flowing.
I don't think jumping is a great idea right now.
Fine, don't listen. Live with your pins and needles.
Anyways, this is Vause, who saved my ass.
She was my official hidey-hole.
-[chuckles] -Not like that, you perv. [chuckles]
That said, I'm sure, given the chance, she'd take a run at it.
Trust me, Murphy, I wouldn't even take a walk at it.
[laughter]
Have a seat.
I said move, Brock.
[Badison speaks indistinctly]
Hello, my name is Aleida, and I'm here because...
Well... I used to look like you.
But these shakes?
Just three a day for three months and I lost, like, 100 pounds.
Says 80.
Excuse me?
Oh! Yeah, yeah. They gave me that, like, 20 pounds ago.
What can I say? I can't stop losing weight.
Anyway, these shakes... The best thing about them are
you don't have to think about what to eat.
I like thinking about what to eat. Then I like eating.
Not slurping down some weird fake food.
[Aleida] Yeah, but--
Our Joint Support Plus comes with
psyllium and glucosamine and a bunch of other stuff
to help with wrinkles and other oldness.
Oh, here. That's 90 tablets for just $29.99.
But today, I can go ahead and give you two bottles for $50.
That is a special price. What?
Shellfish allergy.
"Crab and Shrimp"?
Hello, you gonna sell or what?
Hey there, is your mom home?
-Don't got a mom. -Oh.
Well...
I'm kidding. She's out on the corner.
Uh, okay... Um...
Damn, I'm just kidding. She's out selling fucking Arbonne.
So you can't get her in on your janky pyramid scheme
'cause she's already in one.
[Aleida sighs]
Hey, you weird little brat!
Why you think your mom's out there selling shit, huh?
For you! 'Cause she loves you and you ruined her fucking life!
You little shit!
Bullshit.
This how you clean up?
Man, I scoured Visitation, Law Library, Lost and Found
to get that shit for you.
You do wanna get pregnant, right?
I wanna get pregnant, not build a robot.
It's not exactly what we used for bovine insemination class
in rehab number four,
but it's fairly close in a MacGyver type of way.
Why are you helping me?
I don't know, all right? Boredom? Budding God complex?
Maybe I just think it'd be cool to create something good
in the middle of all this darkness.
By "middle of this darkness," I mean...
-My bush. -Your bush.
Bingo.
So you go rig something together to stick up where the babies grow.
And then all we need is some, uh, piping hot man jizz.
It's still coming out of there piping hot, right? It's been a minute.
I'll take that as a yes.
Yeah, I know this place.
If you don't give yourself a task, it'll eat you up.
What do you do with the mitten and the sock?
What is this rubber thing?
Oh, no, no. That one's for me.
[imitates squeaking]
[whispering] Red.
[whispering] Nicky... what are you doing over here?
Uh... I'm trying to get Blanca pregnant.
Oh, you finally grew a dick, did you?
Ah, there she is.
What's going on with you?
I don't need my kitchen to stew.
Who is it this time?
Frieda. She let me take the fall for her bunker
and now she's living better than all of us
with the pudding and the oranges in fucking Florida.
Don't even get me started on that... lemming.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, it's nice to see we're both moving on. You know?
I'm impregnating people and you're finding new people to hate.
Keep it moving, Nichols!
Listen... I miss you, Red.
I miss you too, my babushka.
More than you know.
[Luschek] And wrist rolls.
Roll it out. And wrist rolls. Roll it out.
-And step-touch, step-touch. -[music playing over cell phone]
And punch. Punch.
Reach. Reach. And punch...
-I need Oxy. -[Luschek] Reach.
-Wait, what? -[Luschek] Pull. Pull.
Is this for you?
I don't fuck with that shit. I'm trying to help a friend.
-[Luschek] And lasso back. -They cut off D-Block's supply
and, right now, that shit's hard to find. Know what I mean?
Let's churn the butter. Churn the butter.
Churn the butter. Yeah. Churn the butter.
Feels pretty good, right?
You know I can't help anyone from D.
-[Luschek] Pass that butter. -They're gonna fuck me up.
I'm trying to start my life on the outside.
Come on, man. I really need this.
You know I'm good for it. Whatever you need, I got you.
[Luschek] Yeah, water that grass.
[Luschek hissing]
Do you ever clean the visitation bathroom?
No.
But I could get assigned.
[Luschek] Now, freestyle cardio.
Feel the beat. Find the beat. Catch the beat. Catch the beat!
Whoo!
Criss-cross, apple sauce, turn.
Hey, what the fuck? Hey, where are you going?
We haven't even done cooldowns. Shit!
[music stops]
I think your moves were turning them on too much.
Really?
Oh, wow. [chuckles]
Hey, wait, don't go. Wait. [stutters]
They're gonna cancel the class. I need this. You need this!
Not that much.
Hey, uh, your son, um...
How's it going with the whole trepanation thing?
You remembered?
He's okay.
Wait, Luschek, you want more people in this class?
This techno shit or whatever? It gotta go.
You gotta get better music, like, um...
Some merengue. Mmm? Reggaeton, salsa. You know?
Got it. Better music.
[sighs]
[baby crying]
-Where the fuck is she? -[sighs]
Oh, here.
Ugh! She smells like shit.
Be great if there was two free inches around here
so I could change her.
-You gotta move this stuff the fuck out. -[crying stops]
It's like when I was living in this guy's storage unit.
Can't go back to feeling like that in my own house.
Apparently, nobody's ready to lead the life they deserve yet.
I had the door slammed in my face, like, 18 times today.
Then go somewhere with no doors.
All those pyramid people set up outside the grocery store,
or right in the way on the sidewalk.
Good spots in the neighborhood been taken.
And why we gotta be, like, pyramid people? It's just sales.
You don't wanna end up like my tia Graciela.
She got in bad with Mary Kay. Owed 'em a fuck ton of money.
And she had 50 cases of bronzer she couldn't get rid of. [scoffs]
No pink Cadillac at the end of that rainbow.
This is healthy and nutritional shit. I should be able to move it.
Mama, what you got is a magic pill,
and only sad, desperate people fall for magic.
Pill magic anyway.
I saw David Blaine levitate, no shit.
You gotta find yourself some sad, desperate people.
Too bad OTB shut down, right?
-Okay. Okay. -[baby crying]
Whoa, mama, okay.
With any high-profile case in media, it's about what's reportable.
Let's stick to our core talking points,
keep it focused on your personal experience
and say nothing you want to keep off the record.
Privacy... officially dead.
And, of course,
if you're ever uncomfortable, I'll step right in.
Well, all right, then. I finally got me a good-ass lawyer.
[chuckles]
For your readers? I don't know.
Maybe I'd tell them to pay attention to my story because it's not unique.
With every letter I read,
I'm seeing that the real sad part is... I'm not special.
I'm one of millions of people just like me. Millions.
People behind bars and still caught in the cross fire.
We hear that a lot.
But in more specific terms, what is "the cross fire"?
You know, a riot, people dying on both sides.
It's fucking politics.
[whispers indistinctly]
Sorry. Politics.
-[chuckles softly] -That human need to blame someone.
But you can't put a whole system in prison.
So, they coming for me, but I'm coming for them.
I'm gonna keep standing up.
For better inmate treatment in here. For more rights in here.
I'm gonna keep standing up for my friend, Poussey Washington,
because she can't no more.
Ms. Jefferson, in the end,
you were certainly the face of the Litchfield riot,
to the public at least. Any regrets?
[exhales] I think, uh...
I think I realize that regrets are for people that have another choice.
That regrets are a privilege for people that, uh, have free will.
And regrets aren't for people that are, uh, stuck...
in hell... [sighs]
trying to survive
years and years of abuse at the hands of guards
and a prison system that just looks the other way.
So, no, I don't have any regrets.
Even with all they're doing to me in here.
"Doing to me in here." What exactly are they doing?
I mean, it's no secret. The abuse.
The guards in here think
that I'm responsible for the death of one of theirs,
and I know I'm not.
I know that they're responsible for the death of one of mine.
See, now the only difference is I don't have no power.
So every day, I have CO's spitting in my food,
calling me names, censoring my mail, beating up on me
and all I can do is hope for my day in court.
All I can do... is this.
They beat you?
That's what I'm saying. That's what this whole thing is about.
We are locked in cages, but they are the animals.
[in Spanish] My beautiful love. How are you?
Where's the condom?
Still on my penis.
Still on your penis? [in English] That's not where it's supposed to be.
[in Spanish] Baby, I couldn't jack off in the car.
That was step one of the plan!
[in English] I couldn't do it.
[in Spanish] What do you want?
Do you need silk sheets and a night of passion?
Diablo, my womb is so empty.
[in English] I need you, baby.
Mi amor, I know.
[in Spanish] I tried, but...
I can't even pee at a public urinal, you know that.
[in English] There were little kids walking
[in Spanish] by the car and I started to think about
how they were going to see their mothers in here...
[in English] It was very depressing.
I'm not gonna give up on this.
[in Spanish] Especially when I am ovulating.
We've come too far.
And you haven't cum at all.
Go jerk it in the visitation bathroom and hide it in there.
You crazy! You want me to get it up in the prison bathroom?
[in English] That place is so gross.
[in Spanish] And what about the dogs running around?
Those are drug-sniffing dogs, not cum-sniffing dogs.
[sighs] Bueno.
Can you at least help me out?
[in English] Maybe talk about... [in Spanish] You know.
You are a rippling, mighty unicorn,
and I'm a dirty little sprite
lost in the deep, dark woods. I can't find my way home.
[in English] I am lost, Mr. Unicorn.
I am so, so lost.
[in Spanish] I'm a unicorn, I'm a unicorn...
[breathing heavily]
[in English] Fuck!
[speaking Spanish]
Fuck!
[panting]
Okay. Okay.
[speaking Spanish]
[moaning]
-Anything from commissary? -No, I'm tapped out for the week.
-Vause, right? -Yeah.
According to my list, you got 100 bucks. [chuckles softly]
You rich, girl. Wanna buy me some squeeze cheese?
What? That can't be right.
That's what it says.
Hmm. I'll circle back. [grunts]
All right, ladies, come grab your balls.
Hey, you heard about the, uh, aerobics class that I'm running?
Yeah. Heard it sucks.
Yeah, well, you should see for yourself. Tell your friends.
Multipurpose Room, 3:00 p.m. [clicks tongue]
Yeah, getting better music, too.
Yeah, I think you'll like it. Be a lot more, uh, ethnic-forward.
Seems like you're really getting into your new rec position.
From afar, it almost even looks like you care.
What do you want, Chapman?
Dropping balls in the yard
does not constitute proper physical exercise.
In fact, I recently learned that inmates have a right
to 30 minutes of outdoor physical activity every day.
Oh, yeah? Where'd you read that?
A little thing called Wikipedia. On the Internet.
How did I get access to Wikipedia on the Internet, you might ask?
Funnily enough,
on a cell phone... that you smuggled in.
So I'm thinking kickball.
They used to have it here. I saw some pictures.
I think it's time to bring it back.
Sure.
Hey, you know, Badison just got shivved
and they're separating the rec times. But yeah, why not?
Hey, while I'm at it,
why don't I see if I can install a rifle range for you ladies, too?
-Huh? -Yeah.
Okay, Chapman, I could bust your ass for possession of a phone.
Mmm-hmm. And then what? I get a shot, spend a few days in Ad Seg?
You would lose your job.
Maybe even get arrested.
I want to play kickball.
I have very fond memories of it from third grade.
Kickball.
I'll see what I can do.
[Badison laughs]
Youse fucking suck. [scoffs]
I need to talk to you. Alone.
God, Vause, why are you so obsessed with me?
I am done playing games. I owed you a favor, and now I'm done.
Chill, chill.
Did you put that money in my commissary?
You're upset 'cause a big chunk of money fell into your lap?
Consider it an engagement gift. No strings attached.
I'm not doing it, okay?
This thing that you're trying to rope me into? It ends now.
She kept saying, "I can't go back there. I can't go back to Max."
And I looked past it over and over again.
Now, I'm out here in a do-rag, doing nothing with do-nothings.
-No offense. -None taken.
We wouldn't hang out with us either.
And she's in there with the pudding, and fresh fruit and... the yogurt.
Okay, now that part is super effed-up.
Right? That bitch should not be getting perks while we suffer.
Yeah, we should get perks, too.
No. She should suffer.
Feels like you have a serious veranda against this bitch.
I do. All the "V" words. And I know I'm not the only one.
You look like you've been in here awhile.
I'm looking for a woman.
Aren't we all, sister?
There's someone in here I'm trying to find.
Have you heard of anyone in here with a vendetta?
I'll also accept enduring grudge or longstanding beef.
Definitely. Two years ago,
somebody stole a can of Beefaroni from my cell
and replaced it with alphabet soup. Nobody wants that letter shit.
Of course. That's like the homework of soup.
Exactly.
And I've been trying to find and kill that bitch ever since.
Thirty years ago, this biker gal, Frieda, duped some idiot in here--
I don't know what you're talking about. But if I did,
I wouldn't call that inmate an idiot.
Watch yourself, Long John Silver. [laughs maliciously]
Did I do okay?
I mean, I've never really officially done an interview before.
-Mmm. -Did I sound smart? Did I ramble?
God, I hope I did not ramble.
Uh, I guess I rambled.
You run your mouth a lot.
Excuse me?
Yeah. You think you're smart,
then you run your mouth and that's how you end up where you are.
I don't understand.
You're the one who told me to do the interview.
I thought you were gonna talk about the case.
Didn't think you were gonna shit on all of us.
He was asking me what it's like.
It's hell every day, right?
Guess what? The guards? CO's? We're right in here with you.
Most of us are trying to do our best, given the circumstances.
-Come on, Tamika. -[buzzer sounds]
You see how I'm being treated.
This is people doing their best?
I stuck out my neck for you. To help you. And this is how you do?
I wasn't talking about...
I wasn't talking about you. I wasn't.
God, please.
I was talking about them.
Yeah, well, I am them.
[sighs]
♪ Young Money! ♪
♪ A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli A mil, a mil, a milli, a milli ♪
-♪ A milli, a milli, a mil, a mil ♪ -♪ You dig? ♪
♪ A milli, a milli, a milli A mil, a mil, a milli, a milli ♪
♪ Mack, I'm going in ♪
♪ A millionaire I'm a Young Money millionaire ♪
♪ Tougher than Nigerian hair ♪
♪ My criteria compared to your career Just isn't fair ♪
♪ I'm a venereal disease Like a menstrual bleed ♪
♪ To the brother, son, daughter, father Motherfuck a copper ♪
♪ Got the Maserati dancing on the bridge Pussy poppin' ♪
♪ Tell the coppers: "Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪
♪ You can't catch him You can't stop him" ♪
♪ I go by them goon rules If you can't beat 'em then you pop 'em ♪
♪ You can't man 'em then you mop 'em ♪
♪ You can't stand 'em then you drop 'em ♪
♪ You pop 'em 'cause we pop 'em Like Orville Redenbacher ♪
♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! ♪
♪ Motherfucker, I'm ill ♪
-[oil sizzling] -♪ Yeah ♪
♪ A million here, a million there ♪
♪ Sicilian bitch with long hair With coke in her derriere ♪
♪ Like smoke in the thinnest air ♪
♪ I open the Lamborghini Hopin' them crackers see me ♪
♪ Like, "Look at that bastard Weezy!" ♪
♪ He's a beast, he's a dog He's the mothafuckin' problem ♪
♪ Okay, you're a goon But what's a goon to a goblin? ♪
I don't know how to tell you. I just don't fuck with cashews.
But those are, like, the top nut.
-[scoffs] -I mean, you open up a bag of mixed nuts
and you hope for a cashew.
Mmm-mmm, not me.
I open a bag of mixed nuts and I hope to get sunflower seeds.
That's not a nut, nut. [chuckles]
-Shut up. -[both laughing]
Well, neither is a cashew.
It's a drupe. D-R-U-P-E.
-I learned from the Rasta... -[door opens]
...making me incense from the train. Uh.
-The fuck? -Shit!
-You were supposed to lock the door. -I thought you were.
-You lying. -I... I...
[whispers] I'm not lying.
Um, welcome to Storky's,
home of the new Biscuit Burger and Gravy Bundle.
May I... Can I help you, Michael Spence?
Ay, yo, can you help me out?
I don't know. If it's burger... If it's burger-related.
[sighs] I need the money.
-Uh, what? -The money.
Give me the fucking register money. Hurry up!
-Look... Look-- -Give me the...
Okay. Michael, listen, I want to, but I gotta tell you,
if I open up this drawer this late,
it's gonna set off all the police alarms and video cameras, okay?
Shit. Then...
Then give me your Js!
What?
The Jordans. On your feet. I seen 'em.
Come on, please. These are the new eights--
Just give me the fucking Jordans!
Man, this is some black-on-black crime. This is bullshit!
You could've robbed some white bitch. We was in social studies together.
Ah! Shut the fuck up!
And I'm watching you, all right?
So don't be pressing no buttons or no shit.
Golly, man! [grunts angrily]
[Tamika] Tasha. Oh, my God.
-You okay? -No.
The nigga just stole my shoes, and I stepped in something wet.
Is that gravy?
Or you piss on the floor when you was acting like a little bitch?
Oh, fuck you. He had a gun.
I thought for sure I'd be moppin' your blood up off the floor.
Like you were supposed to mop shit up around here.
Tonight was supposed to be your night to clean up.
And I was getting to it.
I just wanted to get my smoke on first. You know I clean better when I'm high.
Oh, hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
We've been getting high as fuck in here and they got security cameras?
Girl, please.
This place too cheap for some fucking security cameras.
But Michael Spence don't know that. Dumbass.
[chuckling softly] Oh, shit.
You-- You bad. You one bad sister.
Well, I'm a product of my environment.
[Tamika clapping]
Thank you. Now, clean the fuck up.
So, I was thinking that we should split cleaning duties
so we can get through it faster.
Yes, please, let's go faster
so we can spend more time in our prison cells.
Ah. You got attitude, girl. I like it.
I'll tell you what, I take the bathroom and you can do the visitation area.
Deal. And our agreement is final. No take-backsies.
Let's shake on it.
This must be your first time on visitation duty.
Yeah. What's the big deal?
Well, I don't know whether the visitors are nervous to see their loved ones
or if it's the long car rides here,
but the visitors' bathroom is basically Chernobyl.
I don't know who that is.
My advice?
Hold your breath and start spraying madly.
[breathing heavily]
[gasps]
[sighs]
Yes, it is smart to do it in spurts.
Oh, hi, ma'am. May I speak to you for a second?
-Hey, how you doing? -Hey.
-Uh, you just saw your girlfriend? -Yeah.
Yeah. What's all this?
Oh. Here. Try this sample.
How much more time does she have left?
Mmm. Not bad. Five months.
That's nothing.
You know, in five months you could get yourself jacked for her.
I mean, not that you don't look good now.
This stuff works?
Yo, look at me. Would I lie to you?
-Can I tell you something? -What's that?
I used to be in there too.
-Oh, yeah? -Well, not there. Up the hill at camp.
Minimum.
And now I'm just out here, you know, trying to make money to get my kids back.
But this shit right here is the real-real. This Nutri Herbal. It's transformational.
-How much? -$30.
Yeah? You got it.
Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Hello, sir. May I interest you in some Nutri Herbal?
Sir, we have it in chai.
Hi. Hi, beautiful couple. May I have a second of your time, please?
[girl] Mommy, can I have the milkshake?
-Honey, we're not buying anything today. -Hi, no, listen. Hi.
-It's not a milkshake. -Oh, it ain't gonna hurt her any.
Here you go, little girl. Have the pink one.
And here's one for you too, Mom. Look at that.
-Instant breakfast for the whole family. -Okay.
Hey, have you ever thought about making some extra money?
Oh! Hey, hey! I'm so sorry about this, ma'am. Enjoy your visit to prison.
Yo. What the hell you doing? That's my Hot and Healthy Heather, yo!
You cannot solicit here.
I will help you pack up because it is raining and...
'cause I wanna take you out.
What do you mean? Like, kill me or out on a date?
On a date. Look, I'm out of here in, like, 15 minutes.
-What do I gotta do? -Eat.
If you're hungry.
You like Red Lobster? It's Endless Shrimp right now.
Great.
You can have all the little shrimps you want.
-I'm gonna have the lobster. -[chuckles softly]
And a steak.
Nice. Surf and turf.
All right. Come on.
[inmates speaking indistinctly]
-You need to come with me. -I'm in the middle of something.
I'll keep your place.
[Red sighs]
[indistinct chatter over walkie-talkie]
I'll be back later.
You're going to leave us in here?
Telling me how to do my job?
[cell door shuts]
Have a seat.
Okeydokey.
The way I see it, this haircut could go one of two ways.
I am very sorry, Carol, but I didn't realize it was you who--
Was the idiot who let your friend Frieda sell me out?
She is not my friend.
And this is a classic miscommunication because that is not at all what I meant.
Then what did you mean?
I am the idiot.
I was the fucking queen.
And I've been reduced to the fool because Frieda sold me out.
Like she sold you out 30 years ago.
And how does she get away with it?
Every single time.
I want to put an end to it,
and I needed to find the person in here who was as angry as I am,
who knows what it's like to be betrayed by her.
Well, it looks like you found her.
Now...
let's fix that fucked-up hair of yours, shall we?
[Red sighs]
I'd love that.
[salsa music playing]
[Luschek] Quick steps!
Uh, quick steps. Quick steps. Just quick steps. Quick steps.
They were right. This class does suck my nuts.
[inmates giggling]
All right. Hey, hold on, hold on. At least he's trying.
Can I help you?
Okay, ladies. Partner up. Everybody find a partner.
Face each other and move your hips like this. Look.
There you go. Move those hips.
Keep your distance. No touching. Remember, we're shadow-dancing.
-You got the stuff? -Yeah. You got my sperm?
Still warm. So, how we gonna do this?
Okay, everybody switch with your partners, but keep moving those hips. Switch.
All right. Bend your knees just a little bit and keep those hips moving.
It's all about the flirt. There you go.
Looking good, ladies.
Come on, Luschek.
Switch.
-What you got in your hand there? -Looks like our Oxy.
Did you think we weren't gonna notice Blanca's 30-pill order?
You know our shit can't cross enemy lines.
Daddy shouldn't have fucked up a good thing when he had it.
[Dayanara grunting]
[groans]
[Dayanara coughs]
What the fuck happened to you? Did you get the stuff?
They jumped me. Cunt-Block bitches.
-Where's the Oxy? Did you get it? -They took it. [sighs]
Oh, fuck!
What are you more concerned about? Me or the Oxy?
Hey, every one of those bitches is gonna get her face carved up.
For touching you.
That's the right answer.
I managed to pocket a few right before they got to me.
Shit.
[Daddy grunts]
-You're sexy, you know that? -Yeah.
Show me where they hurt you.
No, I'm good.
There's one thing I learned in prison,
is how to take a licking and keep on ticking.
What's that?
You were gonna keep those pills for yourself, weren't you?
No.
Yes. Maybe.
That doesn't matter. I gave 'em to you, didn't I?
That's right. That's a good girl.
Ah.
Hurry, before the diablitos die.
Where's my speculum?
Was I supposed to get a speculum?
I'm kidding. All right. Relax. That's an order.
-Everything is here. -Mm-hm.
The straw, the spunk.
I'd do it myself, but frankly, I did a test run with Go-Gurt,
and it was a mess.
And a waste of good Go-Gurt.
I gotta say, I was hoping
that you were gonna go with the Krazy Straw.
A little touch of whimsy, but this is good, too.
-Uh, two in one. Straightforward. -Mmm-hmm.
All right. Now. Just, uh...
You're welcome. Yeah. Relax, lady.
All right? This is my area of expertise. One of them, anyway.
I'm also surprisingly great at needlepoint.
Huh.
Mmm.
Keep that for your baby book. [sighs] You ready, mama?
-Ready, mama. [sighs] -Mmm-hmm.
Let's make a life today.
[Flores chuckles]
[sighs] Okay.
-Now, relax these babies. Okay. -Mmm-hmm. Oh.
[blows straw]
-Yep. And we have lift off. All right. -[chuckles]
-Keep these legs up. -Okay.
Hey, you know.
I hear that it helps the whole process if you have an orgasm during, uh...
I'm not actually suggesting, you know, volunteering myself,
but I do feel it would fall under the jurisprudence of, uh,
"Gay for the stay, straight at the gate."
Fuck!
[Nicky] Well, sounds like you're already there.
Well, you know it happens.
Just being in proximity of my pheromone cloud can have that effect.
Oh, yeah. [grunts] Looks like my work here is done. [sighs]
Oh, fuck.
Hey, any mail for me?
Nope. Nothing for you.
Yo, I swear, you was channeling some American Gangster shit.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, make sure you lock the damn thing this time.
-Yeah, I locked it. -Shit!
Yeah. Yeah, I was, like, looking up at you and thinking,
"Why doesn't she just give this fool the damn money?"
I mean, come on. What else was we supposed to do? Right?
"Um, hello, police? I'd like to report a robbery.
Uh, yes, we're high as fuck.
And yes, there's money missing from the register."
Who do you think they was gonna blame?
True. True.
I can't even front, 'cause you probably saved my life tonight.
[Taystee chuckles]
For real.
That was some not-all-heroes-wear-capes-type shit.
Yeah. And some don't wear shoes either, yo.
-Oh, right. Damn, girl. -[Taystee groans]
-I would give you mine, but-- -But you wear, like, child sizes.
Yeah.
I can't believe dude took your fucking Jordans.
But the joke is on that dummy because those ain't Jordans.
-Those was Gordons! -What? For real?
Yo, I got them from Canal Street. Canal Street Special, yo.
Special, baby.
-Whoo. -Uh, uh, uh, get it. Uh.
-Yo. Uh, wait. It's almost 3:00 a.m. -Damn.
I gotta go. My moms is gonna be pissed.
Yeah.
[both chuckle and grunt]
-You gonna be at work next Wednesday? -Girl, you know it. [clicks tongue]
♪ And the cypress trees are leaving ♪
♪ And everybody, they are grieving ♪
♪ I'm glad I had a friend Glad I had a friend ♪
♪ Glad to have known you ♪
♪ So I must know you know ♪
♪ Wherever you had come from ♪
♪ That must be where you had to go ♪
♪ But whichever way you went ♪
♪ I can walk about just recalling ♪
♪ Sweet memories not appalling ♪
♪ That way My mind does truly tend ♪
♪ I'm glad I had a friend ♪