[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
[vocalizing]
I'm DIY Fly Flaca.
And this your girl, T-T-Tova.
And together we bringin' you...
[both] ♪ Flava to the Max ♪
Reinventin' prison radio, one show at a time.
For us, by us.
With peace, love and beauty tips.
Speakin' of the peace and love, I ain't seein' a whole lot of it lately...
-Mmm-mmm. -...DIY Fly Flaca.
-Feelin' all kinds of bad juju up in here. -Mmm-hmm.
You know, girls leavin' dookie on the laundry,
-cloggin' up the drains. -Gross. Nasty!
-Drink spikin' with laxatives. -[scoffs] Mmm-mmm.
Oh. Oh. And all these newfound painful uses for hot sauce.
Ouch!
-And over what? -What?
Some stanky cheese?
Oh, my God, guys, dairy is not good for you.
From what I've seen, cheese withdrawals make you sweat through your shirt...
-Mmm. Mmm! -...scratch your arms and not sleep.
-Mmm-mmm. -Plus, all those hormones in milk now.
You notice all these ladies growing beards up in here?
So, bottom line, avoid dairy.
-Your chin and booty will thank you later. -The chin hair is real, y'all.
And don't be pissin', hittin' and sh...
doo-dooin' on each other no more.
Right? Let's keep it low-key lit.
What the... fudge does that mean?
Lit, but not too lit to get in trouble. You know?
Lit is the fuckin' opposite of low-key.
[Luscheck smacks table] Hey!
No cursing!
You don't wanna see what happens when you make me open my eyes this early.
[Flaca] Next topic: Plucking till you got sperm eyebrows.
A no-no? Or a yes-yes?
[inhales deeply] Yes!
Idiots.
My super-powered pregnant nose still smells doody in here.
My regular nose smells it, too. It's like the stench lives in my nose hairs.
We gotta get those fucking C-Block cumbuckets to pay for this now.
I got it. I got it.
We sharpen a toothbrush, stick it in a book,
then shove it into the library cart bitch, Deitland, when she comes collecting.
No, no, no. She's much too small potato fries.
That's like stabbing the castle janitor when you hate the king.
We should at least be stabbing a knight or a lady-in-waiting.
The way I see it, we go after Creech.
We just gotta get through Shruti Chambal first.
Now, I have some ground-up rat poops that I've been saving--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Time out, okay?
Listen, you're diving into the gang thing here with both feet.
Which, on one hand, is a sign of loyalty. And, I mean, that is admirable.
But, on the other hand, it's gonna lead to this West Side Story fantasy of yours
becoming a reality. Except, instead of being Maria,
you're gonna wind up Tony or Riff or Bernardo.
I don't wanna be any of those Puerto Ricans.
It's just my mama bear instincts
are raging to protect little Julius or Augustine...
I'm still workshopping the names.
Weren't those the rat names?
Never forget.
Hey, Daddy. Daddy, kooky cookie over there,
she's got a plan to get back at Cock-Block.
Hey, preggo, come here.
Look, I don't need to hear plans because I got a huge plan in the works.
We're gonna fuck 'em up, get our drugs back.
I'm smoothing out the final deets, but you'll be in on it soon.
Can't we help it go faster?
Trust me. I'm very happy with it and you'll be very happy with it.
Hey, you got somethin' for your special girl?
[Daddy sighs]
I always got somethin' special for you, girl.
This ain't what I mean.
I've got something I'm moving on. You'll have your other candy soon, baby.
Please? This ain't no junkie shit. I'm in a lot of pain.
You're lucky you're so damn fine. Wait here.
Only one?
Right now I know girls in here who'd chop your hand off to get what's in it.
Came from Barb's personal stash. Don't be ungrateful.
-What the fuck?! -Hey, hey! Hey!
Sit the fuck down.
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, Hellman, you got a sec?
Tell your girls to knock it off before I start shipping them to the SHU.
We're bored.
It's like that kid show, Thomas the Tank Engine.
We all wanna be useful engines, right?
You guys gotta find jobs for us.
Your job is not my job.
Funny you should mention that.
Have you done your job of finding us a new pipeline?
That'd keep a lot of these girls out of your hair.
Or scalp, in your case.
Shit came in today via breakfast burrito.
And after I made the drop, my chorizo and egg tasted like plastic wrap.
So, fuck you. You're welcome.
Today? I just checked the spot.
I didn't leave it there. I gave it to Carol.
Carol?
She told me to deal with her direct from now on.
Step off. This is a closed game.
[chuckles] Carol, tell your goon that we need to speak in private.
Teng, sit. Your turn to switch in.
Oh, I see how it is.
[chuckles] I'm the fall girl
-but I didn't do nothin'-- -[Carol] Exactly.
You did nothin' to keep those D-Block half-wits from sabotaging our jobs.
You've done nothing since.
We should all be ass-deep in commissary candy,
not penny-pinching for deodorant.
Listen, I got big ideas to make Douche-Block pay, like you said.
Mad plots. But I'm being strategical--
Shut it.
No matter what you do, you're a joke to Barb and her dipshits now.
A bad joke.
[man] And so, my friends, when you turn on your burners,
listen for the hissin' snake sound of the gas escapin'...
Hiss...
and wield your lighters carefully over the gas-air mixture,
and voilà!
Voilà!
If you need more gas, Mr. Sprang, you could use Fartison.
[all laugh]
Come on. Give us a wicked one, Fartison.
Christ, it was one little fart in the fourth grade.
For the love of Pete! Everybody, let it go already!
What? Carolina queefed the other day and nobody's calling her "Queefolina."
[laughs]
We will now.
Better watch what you call my friend, Luke, or we'll start callin' ya Luke,
-whose mother is fuckin' a garbage man. -[Luke] Fuck you.
Sanitation is a good government job. Besides, it doesn't even rhyme.
All right, all right. We've had our fun.
-Fartis-- Uh. Madison. -[all laughing]
Madison, come up here and be my assistant.
[Luke makes fart sound]
-All right. -[all imitating farting]
All right.
[students giggling]
[screams]
Open the door, or you're grounded for three more months.
[Badison] Like I got any fuckin' place to go. Fuck you!
What the fuck's the matter with you?
We can't keep leaving work every time you feel like acting like a goddamn baby!
-You like eatin' and livin' in a house? -Clearly she likes eatin'.
The school's expellin' ya this time. And over what? Name-callin'?
How fuckin' dumb are you?
-Fuck that fuckin' place! -You know what? It's our fault.
We should've disciplined her like her brothers.
Now she's a fuckin' monster!
You touch me with that, I'll throw you out the fuckin' window!
The window you broke two days ago with your last baby tantrum?
I am not a baby!
[grunts]
Christ, Madison! What did we do to you that was so bad? Jesus!
[sighs]
This is garbage.
We should do something better with our lives while we're here.
Hmm. You have fun with that.
I'm gonna take this "When Will You Peak?" quiz.
You'd have a frappuccino over a cappuccino?
What happened to doing better with your life?
It might be practical to know when I'll peak.
I've always done very well with a deadline.
Okay, these are my first five answers:
C.
B.
Uh, D.
A.
Okay.
"How would you best describe your ships, relation-, friend-?
A, super awesome.
B, sorta awesome.
C, less awesome.
D, I'm on a ship alone."
Well, I've only got you, but I'm not alone, so A.
Super awesome.
I have an ex-fiancé who ran off with my best friend.
-My parents mildly tolerate me. -[sighs]
C, less awesome.
"How do you describe your performance in your career?"
Does the soap business count?
It doesn't matter either way. That's completely over.
Well, I was but a simple mule who climbed the ranks to become a top trafficker
in a transnational criminal organization.
Plus, I got the girl. So I think that means A, nailed it. [chuckles softly]
-All right, final question. -Mmm-hmm.
"Do you feel like a winner or a loser?"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "loser" for you now,
meaning "loser" for me later,
when we're discussing and analyzing this quiz ad nauseam.
All right, according to this... you are peaking right now.
What? How?
I've failed at absolutely everything, especially prison.
Not only have I not been reformed by prison,
I think I've actually made prison worse. We are now in a worse prison.
So, now is your time to course correct.
-I could write a memoir. -[chuckles softly]
A cautionary tale. Share my experience.
Expose the system.
I could get a publishing deal.
-What's it say? -I've peaked already.
I'm on the other side of the hill, going down. Fuck.
[Piper] Ugh.
-[exclaiming in Spanish] -[shushing]
I've been thinking about your near-death by commode.
Now, tell me. Do you have any beef with the Chinese?
No, wait. That's too sloppy for the MSS.
-This just doesn't make any sense. -You think I tried to kill myself, too?
Look, I'm telling you. It was someone or something else.
[shushes] Do you want to go back in the suicide chair?
No. No, I can't. I can't go back in that thing.
I gotta get out of Psych before they make me commit suicide for real.
Now, tell me. Is there somebody or something
that wants to know what you... know. By the way, the manticores are back.
[sighs] Or, wait...
What if someone or something is trying to silence you
about something that you know, but that you don't know that you know?
I don't know nothing. Okay?
But I do know people have reason to want to kill me, though.
Like, um...
Gloria, that sneaky bitch Gloria, and that snitch bitch Blanca,
that white bitch Chapman, that guard bitch McCullough.
And that pussy bitch Luschek, the guard hostages bitches and bitches from camp.
And that girl... guy... Whatever, Daddy bitch and all her D-Block bitches.
-Oh! So, we're looking for a bitch! -Yes.
[sighs] No, I... It's not about that.
Okay, look.
I was face down in that toilet water, and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream.
And I thought, like, "This is really the end." You know, right?
And then I just stopped fighting, and, all of a sudden, I felt...
like... at peace.
Why peace, when I'm about to die?
Ruiz!
I'm not goin' back in that chair. I didn't do nothing.
Right on!
Time for your psych evaluation.
Do not tell her about the manticores.
Do not.
And I may or may not be going on a very special mission
that may or may not involve the Basque separatist movement.
So, if I do not get to see you before then, goodbye! Bye!
[door closes]
[shower running]
[grunts]
-Fuck. -Son of a bitch.
[sighs]
Gimme.
In no way do I condone brushing your teeth in the shower,
but I'm doing this so that you help a fellow cripple out.
Just across this and...
Why the fuck can't I brush my teeth in the shower?
There should be a separation between church and state,
so your spit doesn't get in my sandal the next time I step in.
Spit's cleaner than piss.
Actually, it's the other way around, but don't do that in here either.
You, uh... You bleach someone to death over at Mighty Maids?
-That what you're in for? -You got me.
I have a passion for cleanliness, and I will kill to achieve it.
Nah, you're too smart for that.
You were on top of something big,
calling those shots. I can tell. [spits]
Yeah, well, maybe.
But I've peaked, and my glory days are in the rearview.
I'm like one of those goddamn gypsy psychics.
Should get me a hotline and go on TV. Thinkin' of switchin' my shit up again.
[both chuckle]
Yeah. Maybe this time, I'll change my name to Radison.
Well, that's a hotel chain. So, you might want to rethink that one.
You're good. Real good.
Okay, okay. Hey, hey. So, uh, here's a question.
You have the energy and ambition of a younger you,
you're looking to find a new pipeline in,
which of your cookie camp guards would you corrupt?
I don't think that way anymore.
Oh, I get it. You're out to pasture.
Never mind. You've probably lost your eye anyway.
[scoffs] Luschek.
He's completely spineless and morally bankrupt, but... never mind.
Whoa! Don't get shy now.
What? You gonna make me do something X-rated?
I can get real kinky. Look...
All right. Stop. Just stop. Stop. Listen.
Why are you even messing with drugs? This place is a fucking wasteland.
There's so much stuff that people want.
The more scarce something is, the more profitable.
Last night, my bunkie was literally praying for a plate of pasta carbonara.
Vause, you're a fuckin' genius.
-[counselor] Get down. -[panting]
No breaks.
All the way down, or I'll push you down.
[counselor] Rest when you're done. Let's go.
[Nardi] When we tell you to do something, zero seconds before you do it.
No hesitation. No questions asked. You will learn to obey.
Because the world out there will not tolerate
your good-for-nothing, hormonal, teenage insubordination.
Yes, sir, Hitler, sir.
[all laugh]
You're now digging our waste pit.
[all grunting and panting]
[counselor] No, no, no.
They're not even fucking looking. I'm gonna stop.
[panting]
I like your style. What's your deal?
I got caught fucking my mom's boyfriend, Steve.
She went nuts.
Huge fight where I may
or may not have stabbed her in the stomach with a fish knife.
-I'm Duray. [sniffs] -I'm Patty.
What did you do, Pretty Patty?
I was leasing my pussy out for blow.
Your turn.
Oh. [chuckles nervously] Uh...
I'm Madison Murphy.
-But my friends call me Badison. -[all laugh]
They don't call you that. That's too "Sadison."
They do, too.
And I did some fucked-up shit. You should be fuckin' scared of me.
[grunts]
The only one you could scare around here is Roach.
Boo! [chuckles]
"You are a bad beep mother beep. Beep.
If I had beep been there,
I would have beep, beep, beep, beep, beep."
Dang. Is there one full sentence that the guards did not black out?
-Right here. -"Black Lives Matter."
I'll take it.
Damn, man, I wish Poussey could see all this love.
[giggles]
"Injustice on the highest level won't be silenced into our labels.
Another sister added to the bodies.
Never gonna stop the Litchfield ladies--"
Okay, now, Suzanne would hate all of these slant rhymes.
Yeah, but the first letter of each line spells out
-"I wanna lick yo' pussy." -Oh, my God!
Actually, she'd love this, and she would probably frame it.
-Yeah. -Damn! Man, I miss her.
We should try to see her.
Yeah, well, don't see her tryin' to find us.
Maybe she don't know how?
How about we invite her to yard time?
And you could tell her tomorrow on your radio show.
Uh...
What Flaca and I do is like... [exhales deeply]
jazz, okay?
We riff. Pre-planned announcement might fuck up the flow. You feel me?
Bitch, you are barely finding your way on that show.
Okay, look, all I'm sayin' is...
When we in the flow, can't guarantee a message gonna come up.
Look, she's our girl, Cindy.
These letters are telling us to look out for our own.
I'll try.
But that Flaca chic, she crazy with her veto power.
Doc, I gotta get out of Psych.
I'm not like these locas out there.
This place should be punishing the person that tried to kill me. I was attacked.
There's no evidence that anyone else was in there with you.
So you think I pushed my own head into the toilet?
If I was gonna kill myself, I sure as fuck wouldn't do it in people's turd water.
But I didn't try to kill myself.
Prison rules stipulate that I can't release you
until I'm convinced you're not gonna try it again.
Again? But...
Okay, fine. Here it is.
I got all screwed up because of the extra time that I got.
Ten years. I mean...
That would be enough to upset anyone, right?
But that was in the moment, and now I see that
hurting myself is not the way out, okay?
I can't tell if you're being sincere
or you're simply just trying to say what you think I want to hear.
Know what? I can see you next week.
No, Doc. Look...
I got a baby, a baby girl, and I need to live for her.
I don't want her growing up without a mommy.
I wouldn't do that to her. For real.
And I may be a criminal and a piece of shit and all that,
but I love my baby.
I stay alive for my baby, and that ain't gonna change.
Okay, fine. I'm releasing you.
I'll prescribe Paxil to help with the transition.
Thank you, Doc. I promise you won't need to see me again.
-Okay, get on your way. -Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
I know you didn't try to commit suicide.
What'd you say?
That incident you were talking about? That sounded like a baptism to me.
Suddenly, everyone has an opinion about what happened to me.
Suicide. Manticore. And now you think God's the one who dunked me in the toilet?
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Jesus!
His only begotten son.
What are the dimensions of these cells?
Uh, small by even smaller?
So is there any way we could fit four in each of them?
[knock at door]
Hey, Boo's bitch.
-Shall we head to the next block? -[Pennsatucky] No, no!
I see you seein' me, Von Barlow.
Except, why are you out there and I'm in here?
Hey, quiet down, inmate.
I am so sorry.
They get like this sometimes.
[Pennsatucky] Is this because I hit you? 'Cause I was having a bad day.
It does happen. So, like, I'm sorry! Come on! Don't be a bitch!
Do you know her?
Can you get me a tape measure?
-I'd do it myself, but I'm wearing heels. -Got it.
You've internalized the oppression of women's fashion.
You may own those shoes, but they're in charge.
Think about it. I'll be back in a jiff.
So, what's up, pretty skirt lady?
Is it some kind of a training program here at Max?
They turn out inmates into escorts? I mean, I don't care. Look, I don't care.
I just kinda want in on it. Anything to get the fuck out of this box.
-You think that I look like a prostitute? -A whore, all right?
But then we get into some tomato-potato territory,
eh, and they both rhyme to me.
Just take me with you. Come on.
[Linda clears throat]
So, funny thing...
I've actually worked for MCC this whole time.
You mean, like, some under the covers 21 Jump Street?
No. No, I just... I got caught up in there.
[scoffs] Yeah, you did, you sly dog.
You got caught up in between a pair of pasty, fluffy thighs.
I don't know a more clever way to say, but you ate out Boo and she ate you, too.
-Now, there's a rhyme for ya. -[shushes]
Um, technically, she ate and my turn was more manual,
but regardless, we don't need to mention that to anyone.
I hear ya. And I don't normally get into the subtle types of things,
but, man, that's a funny one. And the thing is...
I don't know how I'm not gonna be able to say anything,
unless if you have a magic key to keep my mouth shut.
I'd like to take a whack at that VCR.
I'd feel better if I could take a whack out of Luschek.
[scoffs] Nobody's ever taken a whack at Luschek, except Luschek.
[Gloria chuckles]
[blowing sharply]
Uh, this is a joke.
Watching you beat up a beat-up VCR does not count as exercise.
-We deserve better. -You don't need a tape.
All right? Do 400 jumping jacks.
Go!
You wanted to see my ladies bounce in your face, didn't you?
[scoffs]
God damn it. How are you doing that? Isn't your leg broken?
This is my physical therapy. It hurts a lot. [grunting]
[blows whistle]
Class dismissed.
God damn it.
I knew a guy like you, tryin' to do his best at his job.
Nobody givin' him the credit he was due.
He damn near snapped.
I'm not gonna snap.
Of course not. [chuckles]
You've got everything under control.
My guy didn't snap either.
He found another way to make his job more rewarding.
You think you're the first inmate to talk to me about my job being rewarding?
My job will only be rewarding if I get... 60% of whatever you got in mind.
Twenty. Thirty, tops.
This is all gonna depend on how hard I have to work.
What are you looking to get your hands on?
-Can I have some of your water? I'm out. -You were supposed to be rationing
One sip.
[horse whinnies]
[Patty chuckles] Ooh!
God damn it! That was my fucking water!
Here, have some of mine.
-[chokes] -[Duray and Patty chuckle]
Maybe Roach'll let you drink her buckets of sweat, Sandison.
[Nardi] Murphy!
-Up here with me, now. -[spits]
[Duray chuckles]
Oh, you in trouble now, Fatison.
-I was tryin' to be nice. -Enough of your excuses, Murphy.
Listen, I see how they're messing with you. I'm not blind.
But you gotta stop taking the bait.
You wanna be garbage all your life?
Don't let those girls keep you in the gutter.
You decide who you wanna be.
And wash your face. It'll help with the zits.
-So, in conclusion... -[Black Cindy] Mmm-hmm.
...if you wanna heal those nasty scabs, all you need is...
-lotion. -Oxy.
-Right. Lotion. -Mmm-hmm.
Anything kick a cheese habit, it's lotion.
-[both] Mmm-hmm. -[Luschek snaps fingers]
We're getting the signal from our producer that we need to wrap up,
and you know we run a tight-ass ship.
-So, any last thoughts, Black Cindy? -[mimics sad fanfare]
-I'm Tova. -Tova.
Let's set that record straight right here, right now.
Okay.
-Yeah, um... So, before I sign off-- -Come on! I gotta take a leak.
[sighs] I wanna give a shout-out to my girl, who's also your girl,
-Suzanne. -Hi!
Miss you, boo. Um...
T's back. Come and play with us in the yard sometime.
[Flaca] Thanks for keepin' it cute with DIY Fly Flaca...
[Black Cindy] And your girl, T-T-Tova, bringing you...
[both] ♪ Flava to the Max ♪
[sighs]
Where the fuck is Daddy with our plan? She's had the whole day.
What we looking for?
Something to stick in the electrical socket to shock myself with.
A wire hanger, a tuning fork...
We in prison. How you gonna get all that stuff?
I need adrenalin. Choke me till I pass out.
I'm good.
Come on, Swope. You're up.
[Swope] Sorry, I have carpal tunnel.
Lazy cunts.
I'm amending my previous statement. You're a lazy and clumsy cunt.
-I'll clean it up. -[Vazquez chuckles]
Did you go in there to jerk off?
No.
Mmm-hmm. Then where's the mop?
-["I'm On Fire" playing on car stereo] -Hey, Chief.
They get you back, too?
No, I'm just waiting on somebody.
I'm never coming back to this dump.
I get it. You got PTSD, too.
Take your time.
It took me a few extra weeks to come back to this place myself.
And listen... Sorry about that mutiny thing on my part.
Anyway, water under the bridge?
I gotta get going.
You better get in there. You don't wanna be late.
-Officer. -Mmm-hmm.
I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
So, where are you taking me on this first and final date?
Please tell me you made a reservation.
I called in a favor.
I got us in at that new French place across town,
Château Abruti.
Ew. No, no, no. French is a no-go.
They put beurre on everything.
And "abruti" means "jerk" in French.
You booked us into the house of jerks, which makes so much sense.
Fig, being this is our one and only date,
you think we can drop the tough acts for once?
I wanna try and get a glimpse of the real Natalie before I go.
Just a glimpse.
Glimpse is one of those words that's English,
but it sounds Yiddish, you know?
-Like it's something Jews eat. -[sighs]
Like, "I'll have a glimpse with a side of sour cream."
Oh, come on, Joe. This is what we do.
Fine. I will go along with your...
weird role-playing-by-not-playing-a-role fantasy game.
But it better make you hard as a steel beam,
and turn off that noise. I hate Bruce. He's not the boss of me.
Uh.... how can you hate Bruce?
[switches off stereo]
I don't wanna talk about it.
Nat, I'm leaving town. What have we got to lose?
[sighs]
I was at the concert at the St. Paul Civic Center
the night the "Dancing in the Dark" video was shot.
[chuckles]
Courteney Cox was two away from me when she got pulled up from the crowd.
If I hadn't been too fat to haul up onto the stage,
it could've been me in that video with him.
It haunts me. [scoffs]
All that Friends money. Jesus, she's so fucking rich.
You were fat?
Not for long after that. [scoffs]
The BS incident made me stop diddling with bulimia
and get serious about my anorexia.
You know... Courteney Cox was planted in the audience, right?
That's a conspiracy theory.
You weren't there. You don't know how real it was.
He picked that tiny-assed, pixie-cutted waif.
And she had this amazing career because of it, but...
it doesn't matter.
It made me practical and pragmatic, hardworking...
How's that going for you?
[scoffs]
Slow death by fluorescent lighting.
-Mmm. I hear you. -[chuckles softly]
All right, let's get out of here.
We'll go find a place with some real light bulbs.
-[giggles] -[Nicky] Nuh-uh.
Nah, he's not talking.
-No. -No.
[sighs]
How about we go talk to Eyebrows over there instead?
My mother told me to stay away from Cunt-Block trash like that.
Mmm-hmm.
One, your mom does not know about gangs in prison.
And, two, Red is a Cunt-Block.
I haven't heard from her since she got transferred to gen pop.
Come across enemy lines with me.
It'll be a natural high.
No, no. I'll be staying here, teaching my son about loyalties.
Well, your baby told me he's with C-Block.
-Please. -Mmm-hmm.
[Lorna exhales deeply]
-[Blanca sighs] -Hey.
Hey.
You know how Red's doing?
She's not talking to me. She's not talking to no one.
Think you can get her a message from me?
Don't you listen? Roja's not talking to us.
What's crawling up your snatch?
You still jonesing? I thought you quit after the riot.
[scoffs] Fuck you. I'm not a junkie. Purely recreational.
I'm jonesing for some semen going up my toto.
Oh, wait a minute. You comin' on to me?
[scoffs] Strictly hot dogs over seafood, thank you very much.
Okay, so why don't you grab a cucumber and bang one out?
There's no fresh produce over here.
What I want is a baby.
But by the time I get out of here, it might be too late.
Doctor says it's probably already too late.
Now, my pops and his new wifey
recently made a fresh batch of white privilege,
and they are way older.
Two words: artificial insemination.
Right. I'm sure it's covered by the prison HMO.
Uh, I suppose it would be more of a DIY project,
but scrappy is good. It'd be like an Etsy pregnancy.
You know, totally doable.
I know because I used to inseminate cows at rehab number four.
Check it out. All right.
All you need is to smuggle in some warm spunk from your boyfriend.
Then, you shoot it up your baby maker with a turkey baster,
hang out with your legs in the air for... a half an hour...
Ding. Easy-Bake Baby.
Where the fuck am I supposed to get a turkey baster?
We use the dropper from the commissary eye drops.
You know, clean out that bottle real good, and...
How in the hell did you manage to get into Florida, Doggett?
-I got my ways. -Well, I bet you do.
You must've put on one hell of a show, 'cause you ain't a granny or a tranny,
and that just leaves looney tooney.
Hey, why am I in here?
No. I'm an old soul.
They're not relaxin' the rules, are they?
No, they wouldn't do that. This is supposed to be a safe space.
It better be. I made a deal with the devil to have my ass in here.
What kind of deal?
It's a secret deal.
If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret. Now, would it?
Wouldn't telling a secret feel so much better?
No.
[Suzanne] Not hiding anything?
Not having to figure out whether or not to go to the yard
to see your friends because you don't know what to say
because you're scared you don't deserve to be their friend anymore,
but also scared you're going to spill the secret?
You know? And one friend would be mad at you,
and the first friend would be mad at the other,
and then you're hitting yourself and screaming
and you're just wishing you get back to where you were before,
because you miss them.
Now, would that or would that not be better?
You got a secret, Warren?
-No. Nope. Why would you think that? -Oh.
No reason.
But if you ask me, friends are a liability.
And that dung hole they call a yard ain't even a real yard.
Just a bunch of bricks on a roof with some slats over it,
where big, scary bullies hang out.
Thanks, brother.
-[indistinct chatter] -[music playing]
Here's to seeing Beer Can with an actual beer can.
Here's to watching Hell Bitch suck on one for longer than a minute and a half.
-[Fig chuckles] -No.
I saw Dixon was back.
Yes. Yes, you did.
You sure you wanna bring back old guards?
I mean, they weren't the sharpest tools in the box to begin with.
And the riot couldn't have helped with their PTSD.
They're bringing you back to prison, albeit in Missouri.
You're probably right. They'll be fine. They're tough.
-Like me. -[both chuckle]
And the camp girls... Are they adjusting to Max?
Taystee's in gen pop now, right?
For someone who's leaving,
you're annoyingly curious about the minutiae of my prison.
I'm just trying to make conversation. I don't give a fuck.
Oh, come on. If we play this truth-telling game, you gotta play by the rules.
You do give a fuck. That's who you are.
That's the old me.
Missouri me will not get bogged down by others,
and I'm gonna take care of me from now on.
What you did for them was for you.
Those girls mean something to you, and...
You helped them, sort of, in your own way.
[sighs] Yeah, yeah.
That's what you hate about me.
I don't hate you.
[karaoke host] And we are back from break, folks.
Next up, we have Joseph C.
-Joseph C, come on up. -[Caputo chuckles]
No. No, you... You didn't. No, Joe. Don't...
["I'm On Fire" playing]
[laughs]
♪ Hey, little girl, is your daddy home? ♪
♪ Did he go away And leave you all alone? ♪
[giggles]
-♪ I got a bad desire ♪ -Oh...
♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire ♪
♪ Tell me now, baby, is he good to you? ♪
♪ Can he do to you the things that I do? ♪
♪ Oh, no, I can take you higher ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire ♪
No, no, no.
Go and get him, or I will.
[giggling]
I can't believe you're leaving.
Uh...
Excuse me.
Do you know where the memoirs are?
Figure it out yourself, Caca-Block.
Just so you know, I didn't have anything to do with that.
In fact, when they asked me, I defied them.
-I'm on your side on this one. -You wanna defect?
I wanna stay neutral. I'm writing a memoir.
About prison.
About my experience in prison.
I think I have a fresh perspective, but I wanna make sure.
Can you help, please?
No memoirs here. Only law books.
That's the aisle on assault, and that's the aisle on murder.
-I didn't murder anybody. -Charlize Theron.
I think she's still alive. I think.
-Celebrity news travels slowly here. -No.
To each, their own. Charlize Theron.
I like to replace phrases with celebrity names that rhyme with them.
-You mind if I peruse? -Charlize Theron.
Oh. I get it. Clever.
I can CeeLo Green how that works.
No, not for you.
-Do you know what these are? -Oh.
Used to be a photo man came and take pictures the inmates could pay for.
These are the ones that didn't get paid for.
I wouldn't waste my time, though. All the good ones for masturbation are gone.
Why are there photos of C- and D-Block together?
It's a fairy tale only the old biddies go on about.
Khakis and blues, having fun in the sun. [sucks teeth]
-But there's photo evidence. -What does it matter now?
Crap-Block, with its dung and piss everywhere, actin' like animals.
You know what happens to animals? They get shot. Gutted.
Their skin flayed off and tanned for leather.
Their meat cooked for food. Blood drained. Bones cracked.
Well, I have everything I need. Thank you for your help.
I'll let you get back to your riveting tales of...
Thank you for your help.
[upbeat music playing over cell phone]
Now headbang.
It's like EDM, but with vocal textures.
-That's the genius of Sssen. -Who?
The band, Sssen,
like the name the witch gives the girl in Miyazaki's Spirited Away,
but with extra silent S's at the beginning.
You're sexy when you talk smart.
Now pretend you have glow sticks.
Oh. The head swing was bad, but fuck the glow stick. Uh-uh.
[in Spanish] So salsa with me. It's workin' out.
Feelin' like I'm 15 again.
Whoo!
[in English] Feeling like I could dry hump the first dick I see.
Ew. That would be Luschek.
Ay , no, Flo.
Hey, he's the poor man's Chris Pratt.
-[Blanca scoffs] -[Gloria laughs]
I accept that.
[music stops]
Aw! Turn it back on.
Ladies, ladies, you flatter me.
That's about all my heart could take for today. Be sure to come back Friday.
Working on getting some LED headbands through security, so... [clicks tongue]
Huh?
Thanks for the rave, Luschek.
Haven't been to one in years. I especially liked this move.
Ooh...
-[chuckles] -Oh, yeah.
I'll have all new songs on Friday.
Hope you bring more electricity next time.
Right. Next time, I'm gonna really show 'em how to charge it up.
Enough with the cutesy code bullshit.
Maybe there'll even be a little somethin' extra in it for ya
if you bring the phones in faster.
-Bitches love 'em some Snapchat. -[chuckles]
I think somebody stole a piece.
Fuckin' bitches. I got a plan to take 'em down. You in?
Nah, I wanna lay low. Can't risk getting any extra time in this circle of hell.
If we don't do something now,
there will be more fuckin' Durays and Pattys waiting for us on the outside.
We gotta write our own stories.
-What you got in mind? -Follow my lead.
[Roach grunts]
Hey, everybody.
Watch me spray a roach.
[Roach screams]
[Nardi] On the ground!
Stop! Hey! Get her down!
-Get her down! -[counselor] On the ground!
What happened? What'd I miss?
[Roach screams]
Badison burned herself a roach.
-[Roach cries] -[counselor] Call 911!
Somebody put you up to this or what? Why you sittin' here?
'Cause it's a chair.
They call me guard goat.
This ain't gonna get you popular with the pendejas around here, so...
I don't give a fuck.
I could sit next to anybody in this motherfucker
and not give a fuck about nothing.
[Maria sighs] Right.
This how you dealing with your extra time?
I don't know what you talkin' about.
I'm walking on fuckin' air. Like Jesus. But with air.
[Taystee speaking indistinctly]
[Black Cindy speaking indistinctly]
Suzanne!
[shrieks excitedly] What's up? What's up? Oh, man.
-Not mine. -Me, neither.
Doesn't look like it's gonna get stabby or sexy anyway.
All right. Simmer down, inmates.
Yo, it's good to see you.
How you been?
Ain't it good to see Taystee?
Sure. It's good to see you.
I got somethin' that will put a smile on that face. Let me tell you.
Look, people been talkin' about Poussey, even the papers.
I mean, we got copycat riots going on.
We are making the change.
We are being the change.
Everything's goin' our way.
[Taystee] Hey.
They treatin' you okay in here?
You got your meds all straight?
-Your mama come to visit you yet? -Stop!
Stop smothering me.
I'm not a child. I can take care of myself.
I don't need the two of you always all over me all the time.
Okay.
Uh, my bad. I hear you. I'll back up. I wanted to be sure you was okay.
I'm fine. Or, at least, I was fine until you two made me come up here.
This dung hole.
It's not even a real yard. It's just... a bunch of bricks with... big bullies.
-What makes her feel that way? -Mmm-mmm.
Where you keepin' 'em?
What?
-What are you talkin' about? -Holy shit.
Did you swallow all Barb's stash? You idiot. What the fuck?
Relax. I got a couple left. Barb'll never know.
-You have any idea how fucked I am now? -[sighs]
I thought you had a huge plan.
I had a fuckin' plan, but he pussied out,
and no other guards will touch our damaged D-Block asses.
That was all I had left.
I'm unleashing my girls on you. They're gonna fuck you up.
-Yeah? Come on. -I know how to really fuckin' hurt you.
Okay. I've got the answer to all of our problems.
-A time machine? -Kinda. Sorta.
We're gonna bring back kickball.
Oh, Christ.
It was a time of peace and fun. Inmates of all blocks would play together.
People need something nice here, and I think we could give it to them.
"We"? I thought we were writing a memoir.
Exactly. This would be a more hopeful note to send the reader off on.
As of now, the takeaway is that I've made prison worse.
But if I do a good deed, all's well that Denzel.
-What? -It's a thing.
It's tricky, but I can teach you.
No.
Yo, Gapman, I need a second private with your missus-to-be.
Anything you wanna say to her, you can say to me.
That's why we're gonna be Mrs. and Mrs.
Enemies close, remember?
-Charlize Theron. -What?
Our plan fuckin' worked.
And it turns out,
a phone is worth ten times more than a gram of coke.
Carol's gonna beg for me to come back.
And best of all, everyone's gonna know how badass I am.
Well, I'm glad it worked out for you. You might wanna keep a low profile.
Hey... you're my right-hand gal.
We gotta game plan the bigger picture.
I'm not gonna be a player in your game.
I did you a solid, laying off Gapman and all.
This is me, collectin' on the fuckin' favor.
I'm not fucking waiting on Daddy anymore. I need drugs now.
-One of those is mine. -Mother-forgetter, the other two are mine.
-Give me drugs, bitch. -What drugs?
[Annalisa] Don't play dumb.
You guys been keeping all the drugs for yourself.
Fuckin' junkie. I don't deal drugs no more. That's Carol's thing now.
You hiding them in that smelly-ass thing? Bet your arm's not even broken.
[grunts]
-Fuckin' bitch. -[Annalisa grunts]
I swear.
[gasps]
-Don't fucking mess with D-Block! -Fuck.
Shit!
-Oh, fuck. -[groaning]
-Are you okay? -Take it. Take it.
-I'm not fucking with that. -Take the fuckin' thing.
[screams]
-[Piper] Hey, are you hurt? -[Alex] Let's go.
[groans]
[inmate] That's right, that's right!
[all clamoring and yelling]
♪ I'm gonna fuck you up, gonna cut you up Gonna fuck you up ♪
♪ And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up ♪
♪ I'm gonna cut your hair ♪
♪ Now, won't you stare? ♪
♪ I'm gonna cut your hair ♪
♪ And then I want you to stare ♪
♪ Once... ♪
♪ I spy with my little eye ♪
♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad bitches ♪
♪ Bitches, bitches, bitches ♪