1 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,882 [cell door slams] 2 00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:10,051 [theme song playing] 3 00:00:10,075 --> 00:00:17,075 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 4 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,850 [cell door slams] 5 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:16,785 [cell door slams] 6 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,580 [doorbell rings] 7 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:22,665 [Ginger] Ugh. 8 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,710 Hey, guys. I thought you were flaming shitbag number four. 9 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:29,380 Ugh. Gosh. Slam it, Luschek! Your entire driveway is covered. 10 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,548 -This is my nightmare. -Ugh. 11 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:33,885 Yeah. The neighborhood kids started Mischief Night a day early. 12 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:38,181 I'm a target 'cause I like to crush their skate ramps with my car. [chuckles] 13 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:40,934 -Whoa. -Come on in. Uh, take your shoes off. 14 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,853 [children shouting indistinctly] 15 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:52,153 Hey, I know alcohol is a gateway drug, so I got you a Coke. 16 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,364 Caffeine is also a gateway drug. 17 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,160 Trust me, you're gonna need it. 18 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:01,204 Alvarez has a way of putting people to sleep. 19 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,748 Everyone, your attention please. Before we begin the draft, 20 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:06,209 I'd like to go over some standard operating procedures 21 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:09,712 as well as some adjustments to the scoring paradigms since last season. 22 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,299 Please refer to page six in the packet of your folders in order to follow along. 23 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,051 Oh, I forgot my folder. 24 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,469 We can share, honey. 25 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,848 As always, all point-earning events 26 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:23,017 must be witnessed by a third-party CO in order to be counted. 27 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:26,563 All mid-season trades must be approved by me, your commissioner. 28 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,899 Also, we have a zero-tolerance policy for interference, 29 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,193 which includes influencing, coercing, 30 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,946 or manipulating inmate behavior in order to earn points. 31 00:02:35,029 --> 00:02:36,823 -[burps] -Al, we're all honest here. 32 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:40,160 As far as scoring changes, in the sexual category, 33 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:43,163 scissoring has been bumped to 11 points because it's not a thing. 34 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,876 Oral and digital sex have been bumped to five points each, giving or receiving. 35 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,586 Digital? Like cyber? 36 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,296 -I think he means fingerbanging. -[laughs] 37 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,256 What about hand-holding? 38 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,800 -Arguably the most intimate act there is. -Uh, maybe next year. 39 00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:59,721 In the emotional category, bulimics are one point per vomit. 40 00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:03,057 Suicide has been pushed to 20, failed attempt, ten. 41 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,684 And finally, in the physical category, 42 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:07,562 gang altercations, now ten points per inmate. 43 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:12,191 Murder has been bumped to 30 points, murdered to 25. 44 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:15,987 Escaped inmate is now 40 points, but a recapture remains at five. 45 00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:19,449 Pregnancy is nine with twins as a multiplier, obviously. 46 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:23,119 Now, in the back of your folder, you will find a list of inmate names 47 00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,246 as well as a roster board for the draft. 48 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,957 These pencils are expensive, 49 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,251 so please return them to me at the end of the evening. 50 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:33,379 Or we could use FanDraft. 51 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:36,299 -What's FanDraft? -[music playing on TV] 52 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:43,097 Yeah. I hacked the software so I could input the inmate data. 53 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:45,642 Pretty amazing what you can accomplish in a flow state. 54 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:46,726 -Fuck me! -That's awesome. 55 00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:48,686 I think we found ourselves a new commissioner. 56 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,271 -[laughs] -All in favor? 57 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,356 Yeah. 58 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:54,359 All he did was input the data from the folder that I made. 59 00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:56,903 Yeah, but it's futuristic now. And there's music. 60 00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:58,947 Why don't you have a seat, Al? 61 00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:05,745 Sorry, Al. You had a good run, but I'm a visual learner. 62 00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:08,289 You should try some of this chili cheese dip. 63 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:09,624 It's got a real kick. 64 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,384 [Lorna] ♪ And if that diamond ring Turns brass ♪ 65 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:23,137 ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪ 66 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:26,474 ♪ And if that looking glass gets broke ♪ 67 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:30,436 ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a nice fur coat And if that-- ♪ 68 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,148 It's "billy goat" not "fur coat." [grunts] 69 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:38,444 Uh, no, I don't think so. What would a baby do with a billy goat? 70 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:41,656 They actually make great pets. Their screams sound like human screams. 71 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:42,991 It's very hilarious. 72 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,618 Well, I can tell you that my baby is gonna have fur. 73 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,414 Vinnie, my husband, he's already got him a little mini mink. [chuckles] 74 00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:51,040 His cousin is an importer. 75 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,793 You know, when my Andrea was pregnant the first time, 76 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:56,421 -ooh, she had terrible insomnia, too. -Mmm. 77 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,841 She had five babies inside her. Kept her up all night. 78 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,926 Probably why she ate two of them. 79 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,638 Did you just say she ate them? 80 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:08,224 Only two. At first I thought they just ran away, 81 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,184 -but then I found pieces. -[toilet flushes] 82 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,979 Foot here, ear there. I get it. 83 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:17,191 Being a mother is thankless work. Want to meet her? 84 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:21,154 Normally I wouldn't, but she's pregnant again. 85 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,531 Maybe you can support each other. 86 00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:26,075 -There you are. -[squeaking] 87 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,286 Oh, my God. That is disgusting. 88 00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:31,247 Oh. Why? It's just life. If you're going to have a baby, 89 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,334 you better get used to seeing much worse than this. Trust me. 90 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:38,838 The one with the white ear is Andrea. And those are her kids cuddling with her. 91 00:05:38,921 --> 00:05:41,883 I call them the Leftovers. [chuckles] 92 00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:44,719 -This is a food joke. Mmm. -Ah. 93 00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:50,391 I guess they are kind of cute... in a disgusting way. 94 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,518 Go on. They don't bite. 95 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:57,190 Actually, that's a lie. They do bite. Really freaking hard. 96 00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:58,983 Hi! 97 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,819 [Linda] And senior vice president certainly comes with its challenges. 98 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,113 I mean, the press on this thing's been a nightmare. 99 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,449 Not to mention getting everyone to cooperate. 100 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,618 Oh. 101 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:13,706 Luckily, I do have experience from my past in rescuing an image. 102 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,625 Our sorority almost lost its charter. 103 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,418 I bet. Love the wig, by the way. 104 00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:20,046 Oh, thank you. Real human hair, courtesy of MCC. 105 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,297 I'd let you touch it, 106 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,966 but with all the lice in the prisons, you can't be too careful. 107 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,051 [Fig] Uh-huh. 108 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,222 I'm not normally a merlot girl, but this Napa Valley is gorgeous. 109 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,431 Sure you don't want some? 110 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:33,267 Was there something specific you wanted to talk to me about? 111 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:36,979 Or did you call me in after hours for a wine tasting? 112 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:42,443 Uh, look, Natalie, I called you here 113 00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:45,154 because I wanted to get started on the right foot. 114 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,697 I don't wanna be one of those bosses 115 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,324 who's cruel and condescending 116 00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:50,284 -to her female subordinates. -Mmm. 117 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:53,579 I would like to foster a positive working relationship with MCC, 118 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,498 not the contentious one 119 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,959 that your predecessor, Joe Caputo, was so committed to. 120 00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,210 Well, I'm not Joe. 121 00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,587 We approach things very differently, he and I. 122 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,465 Good, 'cause that man was a massive liability. [scoffs] 123 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:07,176 His incompetence led to a prison riot, for God's sake. 124 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,846 Not to mention his ethics, or lack of, I should say. 125 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,265 I know he conspired to keep me in the prison for days 126 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:15,017 even though he knew there was an extra inmate in the final count. 127 00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:21,190 Actually, the final count was one short until we found escaped inmate Chang, 128 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,359 sleeping inside a hollowed-out deer carcass. 129 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,944 Then Joe must have fudged the numbers, 130 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,489 because how else did I wind up in Ohio with a crotch full of pubic lice? 131 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,782 -Oh, Jesus. -[scoffs] 132 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,367 Yeah, I know. Despicable, right? 133 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,036 Joe is an asshole. I fucked him, too, several times. 134 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,706 Terrible person. But he didn't fudge the numbers. 135 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,958 The final count was even, 136 00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,502 which means we have even bigger problems here. 137 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:45,548 So, you... You two... That son of a bitch. 138 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:48,718 If you replaced an inmate in the final count, 139 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,512 then the inmate that you replaced was never counted. 140 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,765 Let us recall the oh-so-tempting giant hole 141 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,058 in the prison's fence. 142 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,394 Someone needs to call a manhunt. I need to call a manhunt. 143 00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,729 Actually, that's my job, 144 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:03,107 but it looks like your PR nightmare is just getting started. 145 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:09,197 Oh, and sorry about the lice, by the way. 146 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,283 Joe always did like a full bush. 147 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,954 Ooh! [cheers] 148 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,831 Someone owes us another round. 149 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,708 I spent all my money on loaded funnel cake. 150 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,793 Come on. A bet's a bet, bro. 151 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:24,712 All right. Three more, please. 152 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,675 [man] Man, I'd let those two handle my balls. 153 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:33,137 -Don't you only got the one? -It's a figure of speech. 154 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:38,518 Yeah. I would love to put my penis inside her vagina. [chuckles] 155 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,687 Or butt. 156 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,607 Yeah, butts are the new vaginas, if you ask me. 157 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,109 Damn right. I second that. 158 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,112 Wait. Isn't your wife's butt off-limits since the surgery? 159 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,573 -[woman] Tonight on King9 News... -Will you shut the fuck up? 160 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,784 ...a statewide manhunt is underway for a missing inmate 161 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,828 who escaped from the Litchfield minimum security women's prison 162 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,413 during the recent unrest. 163 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:02,333 The suspect is said to have been serving a nine-year sentence 164 00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,377 for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. 165 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:07,255 State police are urging people to call in with any information 166 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,757 they may have regarding this person's whereabouts, 167 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,301 and King9 News would like to remind our viewers, 168 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,513 please, if you do see this potentially violent individual, 169 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,348 do not take the law into your own hands. 170 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:18,391 Fuckable. 171 00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:21,519 Also in the hour, getting toilet paper out of your trees the smart way... 172 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:22,770 Let's just head back. Come on. 173 00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:26,899 What? Why? It sounds like they're just figuring this out now. 174 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,901 That means we got at least a couple weeks on 'em. 175 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,820 That's plenty of time to get across to Canada. 176 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,531 Look, I've tried to run before. But they'll catch us. 177 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,326 Unless you kill yourself. Then you can die free. 178 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:40,288 Sorry. 179 00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:43,833 So, what? You're just gonna turn yourself in? 180 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,460 After I busted my ass gettin' you all the way out here? 181 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:47,837 Not trying to seem ungrateful. 182 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,257 I'm just like... My face is all over the TV screens. 183 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:53,467 I need to go back. I need to finish out my sentence 184 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,720 if I ever wanna live a normal life. 185 00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,597 [stutters] I'm cooped up in here. 186 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,348 -No. Where are you going, huh? -Ow! 187 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,018 -Stop! Just... Someone will see you. -What? 188 00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:02,935 You stay here! 189 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:06,105 You're hurting me. Stop. Please. 190 00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:09,650 -I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry. -[Pennsatucky grunts] 191 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,071 I shouldn't have grabbed you. I'm sorry. 192 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:17,199 Look, you just said you wanted to have a normal life, right? 193 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,328 And you can have that. With me. In Canada. 194 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,705 Health care is free! And I can support us. 195 00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:25,333 I can do everything. You won't even have to leave the house. 196 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,336 -That sounds like prison again. -That's not what I meant. 197 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:29,378 What if we get caught? 198 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,466 Are you trying to tell me you're willing to put everything aside and go to prison? 199 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:37,386 If it means I got a shot with you, then fuck it. I don't care. Okay? 200 00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:40,139 It's less than 100 miles to the border. 201 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,516 And we can hike right past it through Wood Falls. 202 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,687 There is an old campsite I used to go to as a kid up there. It's beautiful. 203 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:50,358 Didn't you say you always wanted us to go camping together? Yeah? 204 00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:51,442 You have a tent? 205 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,653 Maybe. I can check in the trunk. 206 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,989 There ain't a tent in that trunk, because I would have felt it. Trust me. 207 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,158 I'm just gonna check. I'll be right back. 208 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,163 [clears throat] 209 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,210 [sighs] 210 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:10,961 We can ditch him right now. 211 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,591 No. I can't do that. I'm not gonna leave him high and dry. 212 00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:18,302 I get it. I've seen Sleeping with the Enemy. 213 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:21,263 Some ladies like a man that bosses them around. 214 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,392 Hell, sometimes the only way I can get off is with a foot on my face. 215 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,310 No. It's not even like that, okay? 216 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,312 Whatever floats your boner boat. [chuckles] 217 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,814 [cell phone vibrates] 218 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,900 [grunts] Oh, that's my Uber. 219 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,279 You leavin'? Wait. 220 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,127 [Dixon sighs] 221 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,175 [sighs] Fuck. 222 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:07,601 There's no tent. I'll make a lean-to. 223 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,229 Where'd he go? 224 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:19,029 I guess caffeine really is a gateway drug. Okay, Blake, your go. 225 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:23,617 [laughs] Okay. [coughs] Um... um... 226 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,161 Carol Denning. [chuckles] 227 00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,913 Oh, rookie mistake. The two queenpin sisters, 228 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:31,167 they keep their noses cleaner than a porn star's asshole. 229 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,170 Plus, C and D block, they haven't had a real bout in years. 230 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,463 [Ginger] Only a matter of time. 231 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,506 This prison's wealth gap is not sustainable. 232 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,675 I guess somebody listened to a podcast. 233 00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:42,928 Okay, Blake. You pick again. We're snakin'. 234 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,472 Uh... 235 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:46,807 Barbara Denning. 236 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,851 -[chuckling] -Give me that. 237 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,064 -Dayanara Diaz. -Ooh, the guard killer. 238 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:57,735 I got a thing for her mom. Plus, night crying is three points. 239 00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,612 Two points, actual-- 240 00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:01,822 But, you know, I'm not the commissioner anymore, so... 241 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:05,242 Aw! Moving right along. Virginia? 242 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,077 Piper Chapman. 243 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,329 [grunts] 244 00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,748 Seriously? What do you want with Piper Chapman? 245 00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:13,375 That's none of your motherfracking business. 246 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,711 Wow, Ginge, that's pretty close to cursing. 247 00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:17,671 We don't want an incident like last year, do we? 248 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,882 I know, I know. I let the poop hit the fan last year. 249 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,468 Okay. Stefanovic? 250 00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,011 I'll take Nicky Nichols. 251 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,846 Fuck! Mother... Shit! 252 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,723 Nice. I hear she's a real pussy slayer. 253 00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:28,974 -Fuck! -Solid pick. 254 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:35,231 You guys... what if Joseph Smith made it all up? 255 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,316 [toilet flushes] 256 00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,779 McCullough, your turn. [clears throat] 257 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:48,619 Maria Ruiz. 258 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:58,170 Oh, fucking mess. Mischief Night isn't supposed to be until tomorrow. 259 00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:01,131 What the hell is Mischief Night, anyway? 260 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:06,095 Where I come from, we celebrate Halloween and Halloween only, like Americans. 261 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,973 Yeah, well... [grunts] it's an East Coast thing. 262 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,100 But people take this shit serious. 263 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,352 Something crazy always goes down. 264 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,563 Last year a bunch of girls got Bloody Mary'd. 265 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,022 What's that? 266 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,650 When you rub a used pad on someone's face while she's sleeping. 267 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:23,070 Next morning, ladies were going nuts thinkin' they were marked by the devil. 268 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,239 Or 'cause someone rubbed period blood on their face. 269 00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:27,408 But either way, lots of shrieking. 270 00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:31,287 I don't believe any of that ghost shit. Except the Holy Ghost. 271 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,748 -And God and Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. -[Vazquez] They're here, you know. 272 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:38,002 My girl Rita said she saw the whole posse one night in the guard bathroom. 273 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,046 -She had a vision. -[scoffs and chuckles] 274 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,840 Did I say somethin' funny, cookie? 275 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:46,635 Ain't nothing scary about ghosts. It's people you gotta look out for. 276 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,725 [scoffs] You should be lookin' out. I hear bitches are comin' for you. 277 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:57,396 Come on, let's go clean the breakroom. I don't like this one's mopey face. 278 00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:00,024 Mopey's nothin'. Wait till somebody smashes it in. 279 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:02,693 That's when it's gonna be hard to look at. 280 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:13,245 [sighs] 281 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,599 I can't believe I'm awake right now. 282 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:39,271 Yeah, I just drank two 5-hour Energies, so I should be good for, like, ten hours. 283 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,775 Inmate Nichols, time for work. 284 00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:48,614 Hey, come on. Hey, what could possibly need cleaning at this ungodly hour? 285 00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:49,782 Nicky! [chuckles] 286 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,369 Hey, neighbor. 287 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,123 I think I saw a tit grab. That's a point. 288 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,167 Break it up. Break it up! 289 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,753 I'm so glad you're okay. 290 00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:05,339 "Okay" is definitely on the list of things I am not, 291 00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:08,258 but I am happy to see your psychotic cherub face. 292 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:12,638 All right. Mops, buckets, frowns. Let's go. 293 00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:15,140 So, what happened out there? Did they give you more time? 294 00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,601 They tried, but I was able to weasel my way out. 295 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,145 All it took was reconnecting with my broken condom of a father 296 00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:24,149 and then condemning the first human being who ever truly cared about me. 297 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,360 So, went well. 298 00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,488 Oh, you mean Red. Why? [stammers] What's gonna happen to her? 299 00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:32,616 [stammers] I don't know. They want her to burn for the riot, 300 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:37,121 and I just handed them the torch to save my own ass. 301 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:42,209 Well, if it makes you feel any better, all of us who surrendered, 302 00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:47,548 we didn't get any extra time, right? So... thanks to you... 303 00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:51,260 I surrendered. It kinda evens out when you think about it. 304 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:55,389 Well, I'm not sure it exactly works that way, but I appreciate the effort. 305 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:57,725 No, Nicky, you can't blame yourself. 306 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:00,978 It's every man for themselves. See, I joined a gang. 307 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,814 We're called D block, and we hate C block 308 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:06,275 because they got the good job and feather pillows, 309 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,694 and because of what happened last Valentine's Day, 310 00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,320 no one's allowed to celebrate anymore. 311 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,948 I am familiar with the arbitrary, pod-based gang warfare 312 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,742 from my last staycation down here. 313 00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:18,579 You know, I cannot say that it ends well for those involved. 314 00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:21,832 Probably not the best idea for that fetus growing inside you, yeah? 315 00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:25,627 Oh, trust me, the gang thing is the easiest part of this pregnancy. 316 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:30,799 I had no idea about the discharge, my nipples the size of helipads. 317 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,177 And the insomnia. Oh, the insomnia. 318 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:37,222 I was awake all night playing with my bunkie's pet rats. 319 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,933 Jeez, Lorna, rats are disease-carrying vermin. 320 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:43,645 They're gonna give your baby microcephali, or macrocephali. 321 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,649 The point is, the goal is, you want normal cephali. 322 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,027 Nicky, I've missed you. 323 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:53,864 I missed you, too. Tell me more about these helipad nipples you have. 324 00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:56,533 -Like, how big are we talking? -[Lorna] Huge. 325 00:17:56,617 --> 00:18:00,204 Good... morning, Litchfield Max! 326 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:05,375 Rise and shine, and welcome to another crisp October day. 327 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:10,214 Tomorrow is Halloween, which means tonight is Mischief Night. 328 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,548 And I know some of you feel 329 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:16,637 like this is your chance to exorcise your inner demons, 330 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,473 but I urge you to ask yourself, 331 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:23,727 "Is that really... the kind of energy I want to be putting out into the world? 332 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:28,816 What if, instead, I spent the day performing acts of kindness?" 333 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:33,695 Maybe surprise someone with a non-sexual favor for them, 334 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:38,117 or giving them a non-sexual body compliment, 335 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,913 or letting them know that they have dried blood on their face. 336 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:47,209 I wish someone had let me know that. Nobody told me until lunch. 337 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:51,004 And by that time, my T-zone was already starting to break out... 338 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,633 [Piper coughing] 339 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:58,262 [choking and coughing] 340 00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,805 [laughs] 341 00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,807 Happy Mischief Day, roomie! 342 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,350 What the fuck? 343 00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:06,311 Good old cheese-in-the-nose prank. Gets 'em every time. 344 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,022 Putting cheese in someone's nose is not a prank. 345 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:12,693 Well, let's see. Made at least one person laugh. Ha! Me. 346 00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:16,947 Made at least one person sad. You. Sounds like a prank to me. 347 00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,116 I can't hear anything that you're saying. 348 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,952 Oh, yeah, I, uh... I put some in your ears, too. 349 00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:27,916 -[gasps] -[chuckles] Is it a prank now? 350 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:34,173 -[sighs] -Not so fast, snaggletooth. 351 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,176 I'm gonna need you to fill my commissary today. 352 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,385 But I don't have any money. 353 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:42,222 Nice try. Too bad a little birdie named Stella 354 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:45,100 told me all about you and your privileged ass 355 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,602 before she flew the coop. 356 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:49,730 If I had to hear the name Piper one more time I would've strangled her. 357 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:51,190 You must've really made her mad. 358 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:55,319 Anyway, you owe me for putting your new girlfriend next door. 359 00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:57,988 -It's only fair. -We did not ask you to do that. 360 00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,365 But I did it, so you owe me. 361 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,076 Or do you wanna get tough about it? 362 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,497 Fine. I'll do it. 363 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,718 That woman is a fucking nightmare. 364 00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:21,553 Good morning to you, too. 365 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,764 She put cheese in my face. 366 00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:26,016 That's not even a real prank. Who does that? 367 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:29,394 Plus, she wants me to fill her commissary. This is full-on extortion. 368 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:30,979 Can we take it down a couple notches? 369 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,066 My arm killed me all night and I haven't slept. 370 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,860 I hate this place. 371 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:41,073 Bosses, gang warfare, extortion. 372 00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:45,118 Since when are we living in The Godfather? 373 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:47,871 Murphy's Irish, so it's more The Departed. 374 00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:50,082 Don't they all get shot in the face at the end of that? 375 00:20:50,165 --> 00:20:51,541 Doesn't sound very promising. 376 00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:54,920 Listen, she's trying to establish herself as alpha. 377 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,631 Might as well roll onto your back and let her sniff your genitals. 378 00:20:57,714 --> 00:21:00,926 Next week she'll get bored and find some other beta bitch to pick on. 379 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,720 I can only handle so much genital sniffing. 380 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:07,599 -Now I'm going to go handle cheese. -Hmm. 381 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,185 As a treat. You gonna come? 382 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,812 Can't. I'm infirm. 383 00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:13,647 So I'll meet you in the yard? 384 00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,983 Look at us. Meeting for recess. 385 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,944 [sniffs] Is that Gruyère? 386 00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,405 Nah. Too nutty. 387 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,658 [indistinct chatter] 388 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,830 [door buzzes] 389 00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,378 That wasn't what I think it was, was it? 390 00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:39,464 That depends. Did you think it was a dead woman on a cart? 391 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:43,302 Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. You didn't... did you? 392 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,554 -'Course not. -[sighs] 393 00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:50,267 I know better than to off a good cellmate. She was clean and quiet, 394 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,602 and especially after she died. 395 00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:56,273 The last three days have been heavenly. Minus the smell. 396 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:59,526 Yeah. I know death is a part of the circle of life. 397 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:02,446 It's in every Disney movie and some Pixar movies like Up, 398 00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:03,989 and some movies like Stepmom. 399 00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:07,451 But death gives me the gloomy-doomies. 400 00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:11,204 Can you give me some space here? I'm trying to grieve. 401 00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:13,874 Mommy says that the best thing for the gloomy-doomies 402 00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:16,835 is to be with friends, but I don't have any here. 403 00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:18,628 Who are your friends, bunker lady? 404 00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:21,006 All I got is enemies these days. 405 00:22:21,089 --> 00:22:23,550 I could request to be your roommate. 406 00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:26,136 It's good to have company when you grieve. 407 00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:29,931 It's what the Jews call a, um, a shiver. So you don't get cold. 408 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,808 [stammers] Yeah, no offense, 409 00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,854 but I'd rather be locked in a cage with a swarm of bees. 410 00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:37,856 Is that a no? Some people love bees. 411 00:22:37,939 --> 00:22:39,983 No. Hey, it's almost outside time. 412 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:42,819 I've noticed that you always skip outside time like I do. 413 00:22:42,903 --> 00:22:46,156 I've always wanted to go, but I was never great at playground. 414 00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:49,576 Maybe, you and I, we can go together. 415 00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:52,370 Like friends. Not a date. 416 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:57,125 Look, I'm not your damn prison mommy. 417 00:22:57,209 --> 00:23:00,504 You want friends, go make 'em yourself. 418 00:23:00,587 --> 00:23:02,798 If you're not gonna go, then I'm not gonna go. 419 00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,801 You do what you want, but don't do it in here. 420 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,302 Get out of my cell 421 00:23:07,385 --> 00:23:10,514 before they have to carry you out on a stretcher. 422 00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:37,624 So... they squealed on you, too, hmm? 423 00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:40,919 I guess it's just us now. 424 00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:47,551 The Russian and the black. Like villains in a bad '80s action movie. 425 00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,177 Or any action movie. 426 00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:50,720 My girls ain't snitches. 427 00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,472 And yet here you are. 428 00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:55,767 How did you do it? 429 00:23:56,476 --> 00:23:59,896 I mean, it was so dark after they blew that door open. 430 00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:01,189 And all that screaming. 431 00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:02,691 I didn't kill anybody. 432 00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:05,569 We both watched him walk out of that room alive. 433 00:24:05,652 --> 00:24:08,321 And when they stormed, I was dragged out in cuffs. 434 00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:11,074 Okay, so if you didn't kill him and I didn't kill him, 435 00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:12,325 who the fuck did? 436 00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:14,995 Oh, I don't know for sure you didn't kill him. 437 00:24:15,078 --> 00:24:17,372 [sighs] I didn't kill him. 438 00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,584 I suppose it doesn't matter now. 439 00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:26,631 They want us to go down, regardless of what we did or didn't do. 440 00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:29,217 I ain't going down for shit I didn't do. 441 00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:32,721 And I ain't spending the rest of my life in this fucked-up place. 442 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:34,598 It's funny. 443 00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:38,852 After so many years, it starts to feel like your home. 444 00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:42,147 And that these people are your family. 445 00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:45,400 Until you stop being useful. 446 00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:48,528 Then poof. They're gone. 447 00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:51,615 And you remember that this is not your home 448 00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:54,159 and that you are alone here. 449 00:24:54,826 --> 00:24:57,621 Well, at least you got a real family waiting for you. 450 00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,873 Inmates, let's go. 451 00:25:11,635 --> 00:25:15,805 Oh. Check, check, check it out. Your MVP is all alone. 452 00:25:15,889 --> 00:25:19,059 Might be a good time to toss her. Could get a day cry out of it. 453 00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,646 I thought we weren't supposed to interfere. 454 00:25:22,729 --> 00:25:25,357 Nah. It's not interfering if you're doing your job. 455 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,317 Trust me, you don't want to be playing catch up. 456 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,402 Hopper's already got ten points on a Bloody Mary. 457 00:25:56,805 --> 00:25:58,473 -Up, inmate. -[gasps] 458 00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:02,310 Against the wall. I'm tossing your cell. 459 00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:06,481 -But I don't have anything-- -Get up. Now. 460 00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:18,576 [sighs] Fuck. 461 00:26:27,168 --> 00:26:28,336 This is some bullshit. 462 00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:29,421 [grunts] 463 00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:47,605 [door closes] 464 00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:53,486 [sighs] 465 00:27:29,564 --> 00:27:31,524 [breathing deeply] 466 00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:57,092 Hey. 467 00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:00,845 Hey. 468 00:28:03,139 --> 00:28:04,474 Is that a book? 469 00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:09,562 I think you could call it that, 470 00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:12,065 what with the pages and words between two covers. 471 00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:14,150 Funny. Good so far? 472 00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:16,194 Did you need something? 473 00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:18,780 I was just saying hey. 474 00:28:20,073 --> 00:28:24,869 We're disability buddies, after all. [chuckles] How's the smell? 475 00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:28,540 It's fine. It's a sling, not a cast. 476 00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:30,083 I broke my shoulder as a kid. 477 00:28:30,166 --> 00:28:32,794 After a few weeks the sling started to smell 478 00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:35,338 like my brother Sean's hockey jock. [scoffs] 479 00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:39,008 Not that I... sniffed my brother's jock strap. 480 00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:40,552 Just happened to get a whiff of it 481 00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:43,555 while I was covering it in Tiger Balm to burn his nuts off. 482 00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,390 Yeah, I heard you're quite the prankster. 483 00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:48,768 I try to keep it fun around here. That gonna be a problem? 484 00:28:48,852 --> 00:28:51,271 Not for me, but the fiancée's a little uptight. 485 00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:55,316 Oh, you should've seen her. She had steam coming out of her ears. 486 00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:57,694 Once she got the cheese out. 487 00:28:57,777 --> 00:29:01,239 -You should see her ask for a manager. -[chuckles] 488 00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:04,993 You got jokes. I could tell. I'm funny, too. 489 00:29:05,618 --> 00:29:09,622 Yeah. Pranks are funny. Extortion? Hmm, less so. 490 00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:24,512 Depends on your sense of humor. 491 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:27,140 Look, I get it. You're top dog around here. 492 00:29:27,223 --> 00:29:28,683 I respect that. 493 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,269 But Piper is pretty unbearable when she's upset, 494 00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:33,730 which makes my life a living hell. [chuckles] 495 00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:36,316 So how about she fills your commissary this time, 496 00:29:36,399 --> 00:29:38,401 and you agree to lay off her? 497 00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:40,820 For my sake, not hers. 498 00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,615 Normally, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, 499 00:29:43,698 --> 00:29:47,494 but lucky for you, Mischief Day is a very special day 500 00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,204 for people with my personality type. 501 00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:51,080 Does that mean we have a deal? 502 00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:55,543 Consider it another one of my good deeds. 503 00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:58,296 It's important to have good karma, you know? 504 00:29:59,380 --> 00:30:00,965 I'll keep that in mind. 505 00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:05,887 [sniffing] Mmm. Ooh. 506 00:30:05,970 --> 00:30:07,055 This is rotten. 507 00:30:07,138 --> 00:30:09,432 It's supposed to be like that. Never heard of blue cheese? 508 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:12,185 It's great in a pecan scone or pear tartlet 509 00:30:12,268 --> 00:30:16,231 or stuffed in a date wrapped in bacon. I took a cheese class once. 510 00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:19,234 White people go to some weird-ass schools, man. 511 00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:20,527 [Gloria chuckles] 512 00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:28,868 [laughing] 513 00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:32,580 Pendejas. 514 00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:35,500 [Blanca] Psst. So, I got a plan. 515 00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:37,502 [Gloria] Oh, relax. It was just a stupid prank. 516 00:30:37,585 --> 00:30:41,256 No, not about them, boba. Ruiz is back in gen pop. 517 00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,466 I say we strike first, before she makes her move. 518 00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:45,260 She knows we sold her out. 519 00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:48,346 And it worked. She's fucked. So I'm good. I'm done striking. 520 00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:50,932 It's a miracle we didn't get extra time after I jumped her ass. 521 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:53,309 Oh, let sleeping bitches lie. 522 00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:55,395 Oh, that bitch don't sleep. 523 00:30:55,478 --> 00:30:58,648 You know she's out there coming up with ways to take us down as we speak. 524 00:30:58,731 --> 00:31:01,276 Look, um, if you want to do some stupid shit 525 00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:03,736 and get sent back to Ad Seg, go ahead. 526 00:31:03,820 --> 00:31:05,029 Nobody's stopping you. 527 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:08,700 We don't gotta do nothing. We let them bitches do it for us. 528 00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:12,287 We let them know she's the one who freed the guards during the riot. Hmm? 529 00:31:12,370 --> 00:31:14,038 Let the rest take care of itself. 530 00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,749 [Ginger] All right. That's it for today. Wrap it up. 531 00:31:16,833 --> 00:31:19,502 Faster you clean, the faster you get out to the yard. 532 00:31:20,461 --> 00:31:21,671 I'm watching you, Chapman. 533 00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:33,182 [indistinct chatter] 534 00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:48,364 It's like a middle school dance out here. 535 00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:52,744 We're on the right side. I hear D block is full of lesbians. 536 00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:56,915 At least C block has some family values. Oh. Hey, look. 537 00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:18,186 We're not supposed to talk 'cause we're wearing different colors, 538 00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:19,437 but I wanted to say hi. 539 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,606 How you hanging there? I see you got rid of that limp. 540 00:32:22,273 --> 00:32:23,650 I took some ibuprofen. 541 00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:25,860 You look good. 542 00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:29,447 I'm far from good, trust me. But the pain is better. 543 00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:31,824 That one giving you any trouble? 544 00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:33,451 [Dayanara] No. Mostly sleeps all day, 545 00:32:33,534 --> 00:32:36,120 kinda like one of those dogs that's gonna die real soon. 546 00:32:36,204 --> 00:32:38,456 I told you. She's up to something. 547 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:45,797 So, how's opening day treating you? 548 00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:50,843 A girl spat on Beth Hoefler. You know, baby killer? She's one of mine. 549 00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:53,554 Nice. How many points is that again? 550 00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:56,808 Two. And I'm keeping my own records. 551 00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:58,893 Not that I doubt our new commissioner. 552 00:32:59,894 --> 00:33:02,021 What about you? Any action? 553 00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:04,232 No. Day's still young. 554 00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:16,077 Hey, did you see that? Chapman. Eleven o'clock. Something's up with her. 555 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,580 She looks pretty normal to me. Except she keeps smelling her hands. 556 00:33:20,289 --> 00:33:21,708 Something's definitely up. 557 00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:24,794 I think I should go talk to her. You stay here. 558 00:33:25,753 --> 00:33:27,088 Where else would I go? 559 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:31,843 -Hey, Chapman. I saw that. -What did I do? 560 00:33:33,970 --> 00:33:35,847 Oh, my God. Is that my tooth? 561 00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:38,391 No, it's an acrylic replica. Yes, it's your tooth. 562 00:33:38,474 --> 00:33:41,310 -This is amazing. -There's no such thing as a free lunch. 563 00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:45,314 You gotta give something to get something. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. 564 00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,400 This isn't exactly back scratching 565 00:33:47,483 --> 00:33:49,694 if you're holding a piece of my body hostage. 566 00:33:51,446 --> 00:33:52,947 What do you want? 567 00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:57,035 I want you to start something. An altercation, preferably. 568 00:33:58,077 --> 00:34:00,371 With that one, in khaki. 569 00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:03,791 What? No. 570 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:05,376 You like looking like a jack-o'lantern? 571 00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,879 Because you'll never get that fixed while you're in here. 572 00:34:07,962 --> 00:34:09,756 Inmates have died waiting for fillings. 573 00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,848 Ruiz and I have a history. It's complicated-- 574 00:34:18,931 --> 00:34:22,101 She's the only one without a posse. You don't want to get jumped, do you? 575 00:34:22,185 --> 00:34:23,603 -This is entrapment. -[scoffs] 576 00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:26,773 Don't worry about it. I'll make sure there's no fallout on you or her. 577 00:34:26,856 --> 00:34:30,109 And I'll break it up right away before she gets any serious punches in. 578 00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:31,986 -[sighs] -Oh... 579 00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:35,656 Make sure you yell something really mean beforehand. 580 00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:40,495 Like, "stupid dum-dum" or something. Just make it loud. 581 00:34:44,290 --> 00:34:45,958 [sighs] 582 00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:47,085 Fuck it. 583 00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:49,879 [groans] 584 00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:54,675 Long time no see, Chapman. 585 00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:57,386 [softly] I'm really sorry, but I need my tooth. 586 00:34:57,470 --> 00:34:59,472 [loudly] You stupid dum-dum! 587 00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:00,807 -[Maria grunts] -Whoa, whoa! 588 00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:03,643 Break it up! Chapman! What did I just say? 589 00:35:03,726 --> 00:35:07,355 That's it. Your rec time's over. Come on. Come on. 590 00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:08,898 Was that a gang altercation? 591 00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:11,442 Told you. I know a toxic person when I see one. 592 00:35:56,279 --> 00:36:00,366 Good afternoon. My name is Suzanne. What's your name? 593 00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,036 I said, my name is Suzanne. 594 00:36:04,745 --> 00:36:06,205 Who's Anne? 595 00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,833 No. My name is Suzanne. 596 00:36:08,916 --> 00:36:10,501 I don't know any Anne. 597 00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:11,836 [panting] 598 00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:13,921 Ask them. 599 00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:16,716 [Suzanne] Uh... 600 00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:27,226 Sorry to bother you guys, but do you know an Anne? 601 00:36:32,648 --> 00:36:35,943 ♪ I feel a draft coming in ♪ 602 00:36:37,361 --> 00:36:41,282 ♪ Must be that old front door ♪ 603 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:48,497 -♪ In this house that I live in ♪ - [grunting] 604 00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:53,502 ♪ But it's only the wind ♪ 605 00:36:55,087 --> 00:36:58,883 ♪ Ever since the day you left I've been in misery ♪ 606 00:36:58,966 --> 00:37:00,134 [Frieda] Hey. 607 00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:01,844 The floor is lava. 608 00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:04,513 I knew it! [grunts] 609 00:37:06,432 --> 00:37:07,516 I knew it. 610 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:11,312 -Psst. What's that? -Oh. 611 00:37:13,105 --> 00:37:14,148 Not sure. 612 00:37:15,149 --> 00:37:18,986 What's the word for a bundle of sticks? Starts with an "F." 613 00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:21,530 -Bring it over here. -I can't. The floor is lava. 614 00:37:22,740 --> 00:37:26,327 -Mmm, whoa, whoa. -It's okay. I'm wearing asbestos boots. 615 00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:27,411 Oh. 616 00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:31,290 Ooh, ooh. Careful. It's hot. 617 00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:44,804 -[Linda] Hello, Joe. -[sighs] 618 00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,890 Nice digs. Long way from Purchasing, huh? 619 00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:49,350 You wanted to see me? 620 00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:50,434 I did. 621 00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:52,728 May I? 622 00:38:01,904 --> 00:38:04,240 -First off, I want to say how sorry-- -Save it. 623 00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:09,412 Okay. In that case, I'm here to discuss Tasha Jefferson. 624 00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:11,038 She was one of the leaders of the riot. 625 00:38:11,122 --> 00:38:13,708 She negotiated on behalf of the other inmates. 626 00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:16,377 I'm aware. I was there, remember? 627 00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:20,923 Are you aware the feds are charging her 628 00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:23,676 with second degree murder for the death of Piscatella? 629 00:38:24,218 --> 00:38:25,970 A murder she most certainly did not commit. 630 00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:28,306 I am sure that the FBI is more than capable of determining 631 00:38:28,389 --> 00:38:29,598 the consequences of the riot. 632 00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,643 Come on, Linda. We both know they don't care. 633 00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,479 They are crucifying her to cover their ass, 634 00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:38,024 instead of figuring out what actually happened down there. 635 00:38:38,607 --> 00:38:40,192 What do you expect me to do about it? 636 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:42,445 Have MCC launch their own separate investigation. 637 00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:44,739 -Mmm-hmm. -The feds have too much on their plate. 638 00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:47,241 They're rushing this to get to a verdict the press would like. 639 00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:51,454 Look, Joe, this isn't my department and, quite frankly, I don't care. 640 00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:54,665 How can you say that? 641 00:38:54,749 --> 00:38:56,208 With the same moral turpitude 642 00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:58,961 that allowed you to leave me rotting in Ohio for nearly a week. 643 00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:01,422 -Linda, I am sorry-- -Fuck you, Joe! 644 00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:04,675 I don't accept your bullshit apologies. 645 00:39:04,759 --> 00:39:07,553 Oh, and by the way, I met your little side-piece, Natalie. 646 00:39:07,636 --> 00:39:10,222 She looks like a camel. Is that your thing? 647 00:39:11,766 --> 00:39:12,975 I have a wide range. 648 00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:14,060 You're disgusting. 649 00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:16,896 Mmm-hmm. 650 00:39:19,398 --> 00:39:21,734 Like I said, there's nothing I can do to help your friend. 651 00:39:21,817 --> 00:39:23,027 It's not my department. 652 00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:26,405 But what is my department is overseeing personnel placement. 653 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,200 I see you've recently submitted an application 654 00:39:29,283 --> 00:39:31,077 for your old job back as warden. 655 00:39:32,536 --> 00:39:33,454 I did. 656 00:39:34,580 --> 00:39:35,790 [scoffs] 657 00:39:35,873 --> 00:39:39,502 Well, you're obviously incapable of being the warden over at Litchfield. 658 00:39:39,585 --> 00:39:42,546 But I do have an opening over at Missouri State Penitentiary. 659 00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:43,798 You could start this week. 660 00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:47,718 Missouri State? Missouri State is the place where wardens go to die. 661 00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:51,514 The only reason there's an opening there is the last guy committed suicide. 662 00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:54,350 -You're trying to bury me. -Damn right, I am. 663 00:39:54,433 --> 00:39:58,312 So you can either take the job and submit quietly or I could see you in court. 664 00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:02,066 -Court? Were we fucking married? -I agreed not to file against MCC, 665 00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:04,568 but there is still the civil case I could file against you 666 00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:06,779 for the heinous negligence that left me in the system 667 00:40:06,862 --> 00:40:09,156 despite you knowing full well that I was a civilian. 668 00:40:09,698 --> 00:40:11,117 You are worse than Natalie. 669 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,452 I'll consider that a yes to Missouri, then? 670 00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:14,745 And also a compliment. 671 00:40:14,829 --> 00:40:16,789 -Sounds like I don't have a choice. -You don't. 672 00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:19,959 As you know, you will have to undergo a full psychiatric evaluation 673 00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:21,377 before you return to work. 674 00:40:21,460 --> 00:40:24,422 Also, I have a few interview questions we need to run through, 675 00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:25,923 mostly as a formality. 676 00:40:26,006 --> 00:40:27,216 Question number one. 677 00:40:27,299 --> 00:40:30,928 Can you remember a time in your life when you kept a promise to someone? 678 00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:32,555 -Anyone? -[sighs] 679 00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:41,105 -This is bad news. -Yeah. 680 00:40:41,188 --> 00:40:44,942 Back in my day, B block was neutral territory. 681 00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:47,820 I guess some of these ladies can't kick a habit. 682 00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:50,614 Can I have it back now? 683 00:40:51,365 --> 00:40:54,785 Oh, I think it's best if I hold on to it for safekeeping. 684 00:40:55,911 --> 00:40:57,037 Okay. 685 00:40:58,205 --> 00:41:00,416 I didn't want to do this, but... 686 00:41:00,499 --> 00:41:03,461 I think I'm gonna have to invoke finders keepers. 687 00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,129 [chuckles] 688 00:41:06,589 --> 00:41:09,925 These are deadly weapons. 689 00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:11,552 Not a toy. 690 00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:13,512 -Strongly disagree. -[scoffs] 691 00:41:13,596 --> 00:41:17,183 These are fence posts for building a fort. 692 00:41:17,266 --> 00:41:21,103 Why else would the ends be sharpened? Hello? 693 00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:26,108 To shove in someone's ear and puncture their brain. 694 00:41:26,859 --> 00:41:30,738 Or to turn their eyeballs into shish kebabs. 695 00:41:30,821 --> 00:41:33,991 Or put a few holes in their windpipe. 696 00:41:34,074 --> 00:41:35,451 Now, trust me... 697 00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:39,622 I've seen it done... while I was doing it. 698 00:41:39,705 --> 00:41:43,334 Well, there is also the double shove up the nose to pull out the brain. 699 00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:44,752 Exactly. 700 00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:49,131 Someone in here intends to hurt somebody, 701 00:41:49,882 --> 00:41:53,052 and I have a feeling that somebody is me. 702 00:41:53,135 --> 00:41:55,721 I hope they don't end up in the same cell as you. 703 00:41:55,804 --> 00:41:57,431 That would be suspenseful. 704 00:41:58,098 --> 00:41:59,308 [sighs] 705 00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:03,479 Well, there's one way to make sure that don't happen. 706 00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:07,107 You mean me? 707 00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:08,984 Uh, still want to be roommates? 708 00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:11,111 Would that make us friends? 709 00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:15,282 Sure. Why not? 710 00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:16,825 Oh! 711 00:42:19,745 --> 00:42:21,080 [Pennsatucky sighs] 712 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:22,581 [Coates] This isn't working. 713 00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:25,084 -[clears throat] -Maybe we should just keep going. 714 00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:28,462 We been going all day, and you promised me we were gonna do camping things. 715 00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:30,464 Well, these bricks are a scam, okay? 716 00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:33,217 How do you call it a fire-starter if it can't start a fire? 717 00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:36,345 [scoffs] They're not a scam, silly. They won't catch. 718 00:42:36,428 --> 00:42:39,473 Wood can't catch fire when it's in a stack like this. 719 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,475 -It needs-- -I just need a minute. I got it! 720 00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:44,979 [mutters] Tell me how to start a fire... 721 00:42:46,939 --> 00:42:49,692 God! Damn it! 722 00:42:49,775 --> 00:42:52,194 -The fuck? Chill out! -Shit! 723 00:42:52,278 --> 00:42:56,365 -Chill out? I just-- I burnt my hand! -You're in a really fucking scary mood. 724 00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:57,658 I'm allowed to be stressed out. 725 00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,494 Okay? This is a very high-stress situation that we're in. 726 00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:01,912 You think I don't know that? 727 00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:05,499 [scoffs] Last I looked, they were looking for me. 728 00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:08,043 Okay? You don't need to kick shit around. 729 00:43:11,213 --> 00:43:13,424 I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to scare you. 730 00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:14,967 You're always fucking sorry. 731 00:43:15,050 --> 00:43:17,678 Literally. You're sorry about something every day. 732 00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,805 Look, I know I'm not perfect, all right? 733 00:43:19,888 --> 00:43:21,724 But I am trying really, really hard. 734 00:43:21,807 --> 00:43:24,518 So maybe you could be just a little more patient with me. 735 00:43:24,602 --> 00:43:26,562 Or maybe you're just wasting your time. 736 00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:33,485 -What do you mean? -I don't know what I mean. I just... 737 00:43:34,361 --> 00:43:39,158 Just, my mom was right. She always said that certain people have, like, um... 738 00:43:40,367 --> 00:43:41,660 like, patterns, you know? 739 00:43:41,744 --> 00:43:44,330 That... She would tell me some people will never change, 740 00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:47,583 because they're just wired a certain way and not to even bother. 741 00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:50,377 And you know what? Maybe she was right. I don't know, like... 742 00:43:50,461 --> 00:43:53,130 Things will be easier once we get across the border. I promise. 743 00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:55,924 Crossing a border doesn't make you a different person. 744 00:43:56,675 --> 00:43:59,511 I am a different person, Doggett, because of you. 745 00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:03,223 I'm out here in the middle of nowhere, hiding from the cops, 746 00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:06,352 burning my goddamn hand because of you, Doggett. 747 00:44:06,435 --> 00:44:09,021 If you told me a year ago this is where I'd be, I would've laughed. 748 00:44:09,104 --> 00:44:10,939 -But here I am, right? -[sighs] 749 00:44:12,399 --> 00:44:15,194 It takes work, but people can change. 750 00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,947 They just... They got to make the decision to change 751 00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,200 and then do whatever it takes to make it real. 752 00:44:21,867 --> 00:44:22,868 The way I see it, 753 00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:26,705 everybody's just one hard decision away from having a whole different life. 754 00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:31,460 That's what this is. This is a chance at a whole new life. 755 00:44:32,127 --> 00:44:34,588 -Yeah. -I thought that's what you wanted. 756 00:44:35,381 --> 00:44:36,465 I'm tired. 757 00:44:37,549 --> 00:44:40,135 -I'm tired, too. -Hmm. 758 00:44:40,219 --> 00:44:45,724 So could we just not make your specialty schmear gem s'mores? 759 00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:49,311 Yeah. Actually, I got a backup plan. 760 00:44:50,729 --> 00:44:52,856 -[scoffs] -Right? 761 00:44:56,735 --> 00:45:00,864 Yeah, how much to move a two-bedroom to Missouri? 762 00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:02,449 Yes, Missouri. 763 00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:04,993 [man speaking indistinctly over cell phone] 764 00:45:05,077 --> 00:45:06,870 What? I mean... 765 00:45:07,913 --> 00:45:12,501 Jesus. [stammers] What if I get rid of some shit? 766 00:45:12,584 --> 00:45:14,545 How much to move a one-bedroom? 767 00:45:15,629 --> 00:45:18,632 Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me. 768 00:45:18,715 --> 00:45:22,594 I mean, your ad says movers, not extortionists. 769 00:45:22,678 --> 00:45:24,179 Yes, I said extortion. 770 00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:26,432 [stammers] Never mind. Please. Never mind. 771 00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:28,600 -[phone beeps off] -[sighs] 772 00:45:39,778 --> 00:45:41,238 Fucking miserable cunt. 773 00:45:42,614 --> 00:45:44,491 [cell phone ringing] 774 00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:50,330 Hello? 775 00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:53,792 [woman] An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. 776 00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:56,462 -To accept this call, please press one. -[sighs] 777 00:45:57,963 --> 00:45:58,964 [beeps] 778 00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:01,925 [Taystee] I haven't heard from you. 779 00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:02,843 Taystee? 780 00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:04,928 You said you were gonna see what you could do. 781 00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:07,598 And I did. 782 00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,767 I met with the senior vice president of MCC. 783 00:46:11,518 --> 00:46:13,103 All right, what did he say? 784 00:46:14,062 --> 00:46:15,981 And she said it wasn't her department. 785 00:46:16,064 --> 00:46:17,524 What the fuck does that mean? 786 00:46:17,608 --> 00:46:19,610 It means I can't help you, Taystee. I'm sorry. 787 00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:23,280 I tried. [stammers] I got no juice on this one. 788 00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:25,240 There's got to be something else you can do. 789 00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:27,910 Like, help me find a good lawyer so I can fight this thing. 790 00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:29,703 I don't know any good lawyers. 791 00:46:29,786 --> 00:46:33,040 Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have to move to fucking Missouri. 792 00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,417 You're moving? To Missouri? 793 00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:37,169 It's a long story. 794 00:46:37,252 --> 00:46:38,629 You said you would help me. 795 00:46:38,712 --> 00:46:40,464 I tried to help you. Repeatedly. 796 00:46:40,547 --> 00:46:43,759 Do you remember me sitting across from you in my boxer shorts, 797 00:46:43,842 --> 00:46:46,178 after you locked me in a shithole for two days? 798 00:46:46,261 --> 00:46:48,722 That was me trying to help you! 799 00:46:49,264 --> 00:46:50,766 If you would've listened then, 800 00:46:50,849 --> 00:46:52,851 we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. 801 00:46:52,935 --> 00:46:57,105 [sighs] So that's it, then? You gonna let me go down like that? 802 00:46:57,189 --> 00:47:00,609 Look, Taystee, you clearly do not do what other people want you to do. 803 00:47:00,692 --> 00:47:02,528 You do what you wanna do. 804 00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,821 You say you wanna fight this? Then go ahead and fight it. 805 00:47:04,905 --> 00:47:07,241 You don't need a fancy lawyer for that. 806 00:47:07,324 --> 00:47:09,618 [stuttering] I'm just done. I'm done! 807 00:47:09,701 --> 00:47:11,036 [phone beeps off] 808 00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:13,121 [sighs] 809 00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:17,626 [sighing] 810 00:47:24,216 --> 00:47:26,468 [chokes and coughs] 811 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:51,577 Hey. Daddy, right? 812 00:47:53,161 --> 00:47:54,955 I'm sorry, do I know you? 813 00:47:55,038 --> 00:47:57,541 [Maria] Ruiz. Just got in a few days ago. 814 00:47:57,624 --> 00:47:59,668 Ruiz. Ruiz. 815 00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:02,629 You're one of those pumpkins from up the hill, yeah? 816 00:48:02,713 --> 00:48:04,965 Looks like Max gave you a warm welcome. 817 00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:07,259 Guards roughed us up real bad after what happened. 818 00:48:07,342 --> 00:48:09,886 I got something to help with that if you got the cash for it. 819 00:48:09,970 --> 00:48:13,724 No, I'm good. Actually, I was thinking, um, that I could help you out. 820 00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,144 Why would I need help from a new fish? 821 00:48:17,227 --> 00:48:19,354 I heard you had some beef with C block. 822 00:48:19,438 --> 00:48:20,689 You hear that, huh? 823 00:48:20,772 --> 00:48:23,650 I swear, people always be hearing shit around this place. 824 00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:24,985 No disrespect. 825 00:48:25,068 --> 00:48:28,530 I got my own shit to work out with some of them if you need another player. 826 00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:30,991 That's really interesting. 827 00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:33,952 'Cause, see, what I hear is that Ruiz is the one who turned 828 00:48:34,036 --> 00:48:35,954 and let the guards out to save her own ass. 829 00:48:36,830 --> 00:48:39,499 Like I said, people hear shit. 830 00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:41,335 So thanks, but no thanks. 831 00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:43,670 And just between us, 832 00:48:43,754 --> 00:48:46,632 I think you got off lucky fuckin' with a bunch of cookies. 833 00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:49,343 That shit would've happened here, 834 00:48:49,426 --> 00:48:53,930 we would have cut your tits off and worn them... as tits. 835 00:48:54,014 --> 00:48:58,560 Good to meet you, Ruiz. And cover that bruise up. It looks weird. 836 00:49:01,897 --> 00:49:05,067 -Hey, look what the cat coughed up. -Hey. 837 00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:07,152 -Thought I saw the last of you, Nichols. -No. 838 00:49:07,235 --> 00:49:09,237 Nah, I missed you too much. 839 00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:12,032 Plus, couldn't let you have these girls to yourself. 840 00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:14,743 I mean, hey, what's life without a little competition? 841 00:49:14,826 --> 00:49:15,952 Are you staying clean? 842 00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:17,913 Yes. 843 00:49:17,996 --> 00:49:19,247 Yeah. 844 00:49:19,331 --> 00:49:21,750 You still waging war on the backs of drug-addled minions? 845 00:49:21,833 --> 00:49:23,418 Maybe. Maybe not. 846 00:49:23,502 --> 00:49:25,420 I guess you'll have to wait and see. 847 00:49:29,132 --> 00:49:31,093 [howling on TV] 848 00:49:31,176 --> 00:49:33,679 -[growling] -[woman screaming] 849 00:49:34,846 --> 00:49:38,558 -[suspenseful music] -[woman continues screaming] 850 00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:47,859 -What ya doin', Pipes? -Shit. You scared me. 851 00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:50,237 It won't stick. 852 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,240 -I think I need dental glue. -Is that your tooth? 853 00:49:53,323 --> 00:49:56,159 Yeah. That Ginger guard made me fight Ruiz for it. 854 00:49:56,243 --> 00:49:58,245 -You fought Ruiz? -It was more like a hair-pull. 855 00:49:58,328 --> 00:49:59,413 It was kind of weird. 856 00:49:59,496 --> 00:50:02,582 It was like... the guards had a bet or something. 857 00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:05,377 Well, probably. I mean, it is Mischief Night, after all. 858 00:50:05,460 --> 00:50:08,130 Where were you, anyway? You were supposed to meet me out there. 859 00:50:08,213 --> 00:50:10,549 I spent the holiday celebrating with your roommate. 860 00:50:10,632 --> 00:50:12,426 We actually did this really funny thing 861 00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:14,845 where we filled some girl's Oreos with toothpaste. 862 00:50:14,928 --> 00:50:16,513 She ate all of them anyway. 863 00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:18,432 I think she thought they were mint-flavored. 864 00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:22,644 You spent the day with that evil person? 865 00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:25,564 Relax, Piper. I did it for you. 866 00:50:25,647 --> 00:50:29,693 I asked her to leave you alone and she agreed, so... problem solved. 867 00:50:29,776 --> 00:50:31,194 Problem not solved. 868 00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:36,366 Now you are gonna owe her instead of me. You just shifted the focus from me to you. 869 00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:38,660 Or maybe I made a friend where you had an enemy. 870 00:50:38,744 --> 00:50:41,747 Also, if we're gonna keep fighting, you should put in your tooth. 871 00:50:41,830 --> 00:50:43,331 Otherwise, I'm gonna laugh. 872 00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:46,918 But it won't stick. 873 00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:49,921 All right. Jesus. 874 00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:54,509 All right, come here. 875 00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:59,014 -Say, "Ah." -Ah. 876 00:50:59,097 --> 00:51:01,975 [Suzanne] Or you could shove them under someone's tongue. 877 00:51:02,058 --> 00:51:04,478 Or you could stick someone in their belly button. 878 00:51:04,561 --> 00:51:08,982 Although, I have heard some people's belly buttons are a tunnel to nowhere. 879 00:51:09,065 --> 00:51:11,610 And belly buttons tend to smell. 880 00:51:11,693 --> 00:51:14,029 And then your stick would be all smelly. 881 00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:17,365 There's the kidney punctures, 882 00:51:17,449 --> 00:51:19,826 liver puncture, spleen puncture, all the organ punctures. 883 00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:24,122 [gasps] Or you could do sticky things with the nether regions. 884 00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:25,999 Wait, both nether regions. 885 00:51:26,082 --> 00:51:29,836 I haven't thought of the nether regions. That's a whole 'nother category. 886 00:51:33,256 --> 00:51:34,424 [sighs] 887 00:51:51,733 --> 00:51:53,735 [toilet flushing] 888 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:00,534 [crying] 889 00:52:28,353 --> 00:52:29,813 [sobbing] 890 00:52:36,611 --> 00:52:37,946 [muffled grunting] 891 00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:11,688 ♪ Learning how to know you ♪ 892 00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:17,903 ♪ Knowing how to be myself ♪ 893 00:53:19,446 --> 00:53:22,073 ♪ In your city ♪ 894 00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,492 ♪ On TV ♪ 895 00:53:24,576 --> 00:53:30,332 ♪ At the same time ♪ 896 00:53:43,553 --> 00:53:47,349 ♪ This isn't love ♪ 897 00:53:49,434 --> 00:53:55,273 ♪ Not in the way That I've been looking for ♪ 898 00:53:55,357 --> 00:53:59,861 ♪ Thank you for being ♪ 899 00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:05,867 ♪ Such a lovely individual ♪ 900 00:54:18,755 --> 00:54:21,841 Rough night? You and the rat pack hit up a titty bar or something? 901 00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:23,468 They're gone, Nicky. 902 00:54:23,551 --> 00:54:24,886 Who's gone? 903 00:54:24,970 --> 00:54:27,347 Nutella, Briar, Julius. 904 00:54:27,430 --> 00:54:29,224 All of 'em. They're all gone. 905 00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:32,852 [Nicky] Maybe they ran away because their names are so fucking weird. 906 00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:35,230 That is not funny. They're just kids. 907 00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:36,481 [Nicky] Mmm-hmm. 908 00:54:36,564 --> 00:54:39,025 What does the, uh, rat whisperer say about it? 909 00:54:39,109 --> 00:54:42,862 I think she thinks that Andrea has eaten her kids again. 910 00:54:42,946 --> 00:54:46,741 Mystery solved. Filicide. That's when a parent kills their child. 911 00:54:46,825 --> 00:54:49,703 I know my parents are guilty of it. Not in the literal sense, of course. 912 00:54:49,786 --> 00:54:53,665 But, you know, still, I would argue that they probably have quite a lot in common 913 00:54:53,748 --> 00:54:55,500 with Mama Andrea Rat. 914 00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:56,960 [Swope] Hey, you two. 915 00:54:57,919 --> 00:55:00,296 -You're on mop duty with us. -Man, come on. 916 00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:03,425 You really need, uh, four people to mop one room? 917 00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:05,301 You questioning my cleaning strategy? 918 00:55:05,385 --> 00:55:07,345 Oh, no, ma'am. Cleanliness is godliness. 919 00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:10,557 [Cathy] Good morning, all you ghosts and ghouls out there. 920 00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,393 Today is Halloween, and you know what that means. 921 00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:15,437 You mind just, like, turning it down a little bit? 922 00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:18,273 I'm having trouble hearing the suicidal voice in my head. 923 00:55:18,356 --> 00:55:22,444 Oh, that's too bad. I like Cathy. Her talking relaxes me. 924 00:55:22,527 --> 00:55:25,572 You find that relaxing? Were you, um... Were you raised by farm animals? 925 00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:28,742 Hey. Less talking, more shutting the fuck up. 926 00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:30,243 See? He's on my side. 927 00:55:30,327 --> 00:55:31,536 [Cathy] Blue sweaters. 928 00:55:31,619 --> 00:55:33,038 -[volume increases] -Red sweaters. 929 00:55:33,121 --> 00:55:35,582 -Much better, thank you. -Beige sweaters. Black sweaters. 930 00:55:35,665 --> 00:55:39,127 Her voice kinda sounds like Nutella's, actually. 931 00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:42,297 -I think I can almost hear him. -I hear something, too. 932 00:55:42,380 --> 00:55:44,049 [Cathy] White sweaters. 933 00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:46,176 -Off-white sweaters. Brown sweaters. -[squeaking] 934 00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:47,552 [Lorna] Oh, my God. 935 00:55:47,635 --> 00:55:49,929 [gasps] Hey, Nutella! 936 00:55:50,013 --> 00:55:52,348 -Shh. -Okay, last looks. Time to-- 937 00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:55,685 [Cathy screaming] Help me! 938 00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,145 -Nobody move. -They're killing me! 939 00:55:57,228 --> 00:55:59,773 -Hopper. Hopper, come in. -Help me! 940 00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:00,899 That's our cue. 941 00:56:03,359 --> 00:56:06,071 Lazlo! Augustine! Come here, baby. 942 00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,822 -Dump your buckets. -No, thanks. 943 00:56:07,906 --> 00:56:09,282 [Lorna] Nicky, you gotta do it. 944 00:56:09,365 --> 00:56:11,743 Do it. Should I tell Daddy you refused orders? 945 00:56:11,826 --> 00:56:12,911 [Lorna] Do it, Nicky. 946 00:56:12,994 --> 00:56:15,705 You don't want to be on his bad side. Or her bad side. Whatever it is. 947 00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:17,540 -Fuck me. [yells] -[Lorna] Nicky! 948 00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:20,043 Everyone follow me now in an orderly fashion. 949 00:56:20,126 --> 00:56:21,669 At least now they are free. 950 00:56:21,753 --> 00:56:24,089 And they have all the cheese they could want. 951 00:56:25,340 --> 00:56:27,217 -[Ginger] You hear that? -Of course I heard it. 952 00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:29,469 What should we do? Supposed to take them to their shift. 953 00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:31,346 Hopper's on it. I'm taking mine to D block. 954 00:56:31,429 --> 00:56:32,847 Take yours to the packing warehouse. 955 00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:35,058 They'll let us know when they figure out what that was. 956 00:56:35,141 --> 00:56:36,226 Copy that. 957 00:56:37,727 --> 00:56:39,854 [hissing and clicking tongue] 958 00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:45,151 Any idea who picked up Chatty Cathy? 959 00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:47,946 No idea. I think she might be a free agent. 960 00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:49,239 Thank God. 961 00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:56,538 Okay, ladies. Get to packing until we tell you otherwise. 962 00:56:57,372 --> 00:56:59,040 Let's, uh... Can we clean... 963 00:56:59,124 --> 00:57:01,334 Clean this. Clean those. 964 00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:15,598 Son of a mother! 965 00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,392 [inmates screaming] 966 00:57:32,323 --> 00:57:33,658 Fucker! [grunting] 967 00:57:35,785 --> 00:57:37,454 [Ginger] Everyone remain calm! 968 00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:39,539 Uh, the cheese has not been harmed. 969 00:57:39,622 --> 00:57:42,167 Uh, we'll wash it off. Nobody saw anything. 970 00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:49,632 [siren wails] 971 00:58:08,693 --> 00:58:11,321 [indistinct chatter on dispatch radio] 972 00:58:14,657 --> 00:58:16,618 Excuse me, I'm here to surrender. 973 00:58:16,701 --> 00:58:19,204 What did you do, son? Get into some mischief last night? 974 00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:23,374 Yeah, something like that. Yeah. 975 00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:34,844 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ 976 00:58:37,472 --> 00:58:39,682 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ 977 00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:42,477 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 978 00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:44,812 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 979 00:58:44,896 --> 00:58:47,815 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪ 980 00:58:47,899 --> 00:58:49,359 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪ 981 00:58:50,318 --> 00:58:53,029 ♪ When you open your mouth You don't talk, you shout ♪ 982 00:58:53,112 --> 00:58:55,532 ♪ And you give everybody the blame ♪ 983 00:58:55,615 --> 00:58:58,201 ♪ But when they catch you up They will shut you up ♪ 984 00:58:58,284 --> 00:59:00,828 ♪ And you got no one to blame ♪ 985 00:59:00,912 --> 00:59:03,540 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 986 00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:06,209 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 987 00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:08,878 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪ 988 00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:10,755 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪ 989 00:59:14,092 --> 00:59:17,428 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ 990 00:59:19,681 --> 00:59:22,183 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ 991 00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,894 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 992 00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:27,564 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 993 00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:30,149 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪ 994 00:59:30,233 --> 00:59:31,776 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪ 995 00:59:35,154 --> 00:59:37,865 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ 996 00:59:40,743 --> 00:59:43,288 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ 997 00:59:43,371 --> 00:59:45,999 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 998 00:59:46,082 --> 00:59:48,710 ♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 999 00:59:48,793 --> 00:59:50,878 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what... ♪