[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com
[cell door slams]
[doorbell rings]
[Ginger] Ugh.
Hey, guys. I thought you were flaming shitbag number four.
Ugh. Gosh. Slam it, Luschek! Your entire driveway is covered.
-This is my nightmare. -Ugh.
Yeah. The neighborhood kids started Mischief Night a day early.
I'm a target 'cause I like to crush their skate ramps with my car. [chuckles]
-Whoa. -Come on in. Uh, take your shoes off.
[children shouting indistinctly]
Hey, I know alcohol is a gateway drug, so I got you a Coke.
Caffeine is also a gateway drug.
Trust me, you're gonna need it.
Alvarez has a way of putting people to sleep.
Everyone, your attention please. Before we begin the draft,
I'd like to go over some standard operating procedures
as well as some adjustments to the scoring paradigms since last season.
Please refer to page six in the packet of your folders in order to follow along.
Oh, I forgot my folder.
We can share, honey.
As always, all point-earning events
must be witnessed by a third-party CO in order to be counted.
All mid-season trades must be approved by me, your commissioner.
Also, we have a zero-tolerance policy for interference,
which includes influencing, coercing,
or manipulating inmate behavior in order to earn points.
-[burps] -Al, we're all honest here.
As far as scoring changes, in the sexual category,
scissoring has been bumped to 11 points because it's not a thing.
Oral and digital sex have been bumped to five points each, giving or receiving.
Digital? Like cyber?
-I think he means fingerbanging. -[laughs]
What about hand-holding?
-Arguably the most intimate act there is. -Uh, maybe next year.
In the emotional category, bulimics are one point per vomit.
Suicide has been pushed to 20, failed attempt, ten.
And finally, in the physical category,
gang altercations, now ten points per inmate.
Murder has been bumped to 30 points, murdered to 25.
Escaped inmate is now 40 points, but a recapture remains at five.
Pregnancy is nine with twins as a multiplier, obviously.
Now, in the back of your folder, you will find a list of inmate names
as well as a roster board for the draft.
These pencils are expensive,
so please return them to me at the end of the evening.
Or we could use FanDraft.
-What's FanDraft? -[music playing on TV]
Yeah. I hacked the software so I could input the inmate data.
Pretty amazing what you can accomplish in a flow state.
-Fuck me! -That's awesome.
I think we found ourselves a new commissioner.
-[laughs] -All in favor?
Yeah.
All he did was input the data from the folder that I made.
Yeah, but it's futuristic now. And there's music.
Why don't you have a seat, Al?
Sorry, Al. You had a good run, but I'm a visual learner.
You should try some of this chili cheese dip.
It's got a real kick.
[Lorna] ♪ And if that diamond ring Turns brass ♪
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪
♪ And if that looking glass gets broke ♪
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a nice fur coat And if that-- ♪
It's "billy goat" not "fur coat." [grunts]
Uh, no, I don't think so. What would a baby do with a billy goat?
They actually make great pets. Their screams sound like human screams.
It's very hilarious.
Well, I can tell you that my baby is gonna have fur.
Vinnie, my husband, he's already got him a little mini mink. [chuckles]
His cousin is an importer.
You know, when my Andrea was pregnant the first time,
-ooh, she had terrible insomnia, too. -Mmm.
She had five babies inside her. Kept her up all night.
Probably why she ate two of them.
Did you just say she ate them?
Only two. At first I thought they just ran away,
-but then I found pieces. -[toilet flushes]
Foot here, ear there. I get it.
Being a mother is thankless work. Want to meet her?
Normally I wouldn't, but she's pregnant again.
Maybe you can support each other.
-There you are. -[squeaking]
Oh, my God. That is disgusting.
Oh. Why? It's just life. If you're going to have a baby,
you better get used to seeing much worse than this. Trust me.
The one with the white ear is Andrea. And those are her kids cuddling with her.
I call them the Leftovers. [chuckles]
-This is a food joke. Mmm. -Ah.
I guess they are kind of cute... in a disgusting way.
Go on. They don't bite.
Actually, that's a lie. They do bite. Really freaking hard.
Hi!
[Linda] And senior vice president certainly comes with its challenges.
I mean, the press on this thing's been a nightmare.
Not to mention getting everyone to cooperate.
Oh.
Luckily, I do have experience from my past in rescuing an image.
Our sorority almost lost its charter.
I bet. Love the wig, by the way.
Oh, thank you. Real human hair, courtesy of MCC.
I'd let you touch it,
but with all the lice in the prisons, you can't be too careful.
[Fig] Uh-huh.
I'm not normally a merlot girl, but this Napa Valley is gorgeous.
Sure you don't want some?
Was there something specific you wanted to talk to me about?
Or did you call me in after hours for a wine tasting?
Uh, look, Natalie, I called you here
because I wanted to get started on the right foot.
I don't wanna be one of those bosses
who's cruel and condescending
-to her female subordinates. -Mmm.
I would like to foster a positive working relationship with MCC,
not the contentious one
that your predecessor, Joe Caputo, was so committed to.
Well, I'm not Joe.
We approach things very differently, he and I.
Good, 'cause that man was a massive liability. [scoffs]
His incompetence led to a prison riot, for God's sake.
Not to mention his ethics, or lack of, I should say.
I know he conspired to keep me in the prison for days
even though he knew there was an extra inmate in the final count.
Actually, the final count was one short until we found escaped inmate Chang,
sleeping inside a hollowed-out deer carcass.
Then Joe must have fudged the numbers,
because how else did I wind up in Ohio with a crotch full of pubic lice?
-Oh, Jesus. -[scoffs]
Yeah, I know. Despicable, right?
Joe is an asshole. I fucked him, too, several times.
Terrible person. But he didn't fudge the numbers.
The final count was even,
which means we have even bigger problems here.
So, you... You two... That son of a bitch.
If you replaced an inmate in the final count,
then the inmate that you replaced was never counted.
Let us recall the oh-so-tempting giant hole
in the prison's fence.
Someone needs to call a manhunt. I need to call a manhunt.
Actually, that's my job,
but it looks like your PR nightmare is just getting started.
Oh, and sorry about the lice, by the way.
Joe always did like a full bush.
Ooh! [cheers]
Someone owes us another round.
I spent all my money on loaded funnel cake.
Come on. A bet's a bet, bro.
All right. Three more, please.
[man] Man, I'd let those two handle my balls.
-Don't you only got the one? -It's a figure of speech.
Yeah. I would love to put my penis inside her vagina. [chuckles]
Or butt.
Yeah, butts are the new vaginas, if you ask me.
Damn right. I second that.
Wait. Isn't your wife's butt off-limits since the surgery?
-[woman] Tonight on King9 News... -Will you shut the fuck up?
...a statewide manhunt is underway for a missing inmate
who escaped from the Litchfield minimum security women's prison
during the recent unrest.
The suspect is said to have been serving a nine-year sentence
for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
State police are urging people to call in with any information
they may have regarding this person's whereabouts,
and King9 News would like to remind our viewers,
please, if you do see this potentially violent individual,
do not take the law into your own hands.
Fuckable.
Also in the hour, getting toilet paper out of your trees the smart way...
Let's just head back. Come on.
What? Why? It sounds like they're just figuring this out now.
That means we got at least a couple weeks on 'em.
That's plenty of time to get across to Canada.
Look, I've tried to run before. But they'll catch us.
Unless you kill yourself. Then you can die free.
Sorry.
So, what? You're just gonna turn yourself in?
After I busted my ass gettin' you all the way out here?
Not trying to seem ungrateful.
I'm just like... My face is all over the TV screens.
I need to go back. I need to finish out my sentence
if I ever wanna live a normal life.
[stutters] I'm cooped up in here.
-No. Where are you going, huh? -Ow!
-Stop! Just... Someone will see you. -What?
You stay here!
You're hurting me. Stop. Please.
-I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry. -[Pennsatucky grunts]
I shouldn't have grabbed you. I'm sorry.
Look, you just said you wanted to have a normal life, right?
And you can have that. With me. In Canada.
Health care is free! And I can support us.
I can do everything. You won't even have to leave the house.
-That sounds like prison again. -That's not what I meant.
What if we get caught?
Are you trying to tell me you're willing to put everything aside and go to prison?
If it means I got a shot with you, then fuck it. I don't care. Okay?
It's less than 100 miles to the border.
And we can hike right past it through Wood Falls.
There is an old campsite I used to go to as a kid up there. It's beautiful.
Didn't you say you always wanted us to go camping together? Yeah?
You have a tent?
Maybe. I can check in the trunk.
There ain't a tent in that trunk, because I would have felt it. Trust me.
I'm just gonna check. I'll be right back.
[clears throat]
[sighs]
We can ditch him right now.
No. I can't do that. I'm not gonna leave him high and dry.
I get it. I've seen Sleeping with the Enemy.
Some ladies like a man that bosses them around.
Hell, sometimes the only way I can get off is with a foot on my face.
No. It's not even like that, okay?
Whatever floats your boner boat. [chuckles]
[cell phone vibrates]
[grunts] Oh, that's my Uber.
You leavin'? Wait.
[Dixon sighs]
[sighs] Fuck.
There's no tent. I'll make a lean-to.
Where'd he go?
I guess caffeine really is a gateway drug. Okay, Blake, your go.
[laughs] Okay. [coughs] Um... um...
Carol Denning. [chuckles]
Oh, rookie mistake. The two queenpin sisters,
they keep their noses cleaner than a porn star's asshole.
Plus, C and D block, they haven't had a real bout in years.
[Ginger] Only a matter of time.
This prison's wealth gap is not sustainable.
I guess somebody listened to a podcast.
Okay, Blake. You pick again. We're snakin'.
Uh...
Barbara Denning.
-[chuckling] -Give me that.
-Dayanara Diaz. -Ooh, the guard killer.
I got a thing for her mom. Plus, night crying is three points.
Two points, actual--
But, you know, I'm not the commissioner anymore, so...
Aw! Moving right along. Virginia?
Piper Chapman.
[grunts]
Seriously? What do you want with Piper Chapman?
That's none of your motherfracking business.
Wow, Ginge, that's pretty close to cursing.
We don't want an incident like last year, do we?
I know, I know. I let the poop hit the fan last year.
Okay. Stefanovic?
I'll take Nicky Nichols.
Fuck! Mother... Shit!
Nice. I hear she's a real pussy slayer.
-Fuck! -Solid pick.
You guys... what if Joseph Smith made it all up?
[toilet flushes]
McCullough, your turn. [clears throat]
Maria Ruiz.
Oh, fucking mess. Mischief Night isn't supposed to be until tomorrow.
What the hell is Mischief Night, anyway?
Where I come from, we celebrate Halloween and Halloween only, like Americans.
Yeah, well... [grunts] it's an East Coast thing.
But people take this shit serious.
Something crazy always goes down.
Last year a bunch of girls got Bloody Mary'd.
What's that?
When you rub a used pad on someone's face while she's sleeping.
Next morning, ladies were going nuts thinkin' they were marked by the devil.
Or 'cause someone rubbed period blood on their face.
But either way, lots of shrieking.
I don't believe any of that ghost shit. Except the Holy Ghost.
-And God and Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. -[Vazquez] They're here, you know.
My girl Rita said she saw the whole posse one night in the guard bathroom.
-She had a vision. -[scoffs and chuckles]
Did I say somethin' funny, cookie?
Ain't nothing scary about ghosts. It's people you gotta look out for.
[scoffs] You should be lookin' out. I hear bitches are comin' for you.
Come on, let's go clean the breakroom. I don't like this one's mopey face.
Mopey's nothin'. Wait till somebody smashes it in.
That's when it's gonna be hard to look at.
[sighs]
I can't believe I'm awake right now.
Yeah, I just drank two 5-hour Energies, so I should be good for, like, ten hours.
Inmate Nichols, time for work.
Hey, come on. Hey, what could possibly need cleaning at this ungodly hour?
Nicky! [chuckles]
Hey, neighbor.
I think I saw a tit grab. That's a point.
Break it up. Break it up!
I'm so glad you're okay.
"Okay" is definitely on the list of things I am not,
but I am happy to see your psychotic cherub face.
All right. Mops, buckets, frowns. Let's go.
So, what happened out there? Did they give you more time?
They tried, but I was able to weasel my way out.
All it took was reconnecting with my broken condom of a father
and then condemning the first human being who ever truly cared about me.
So, went well.
Oh, you mean Red. Why? [stammers] What's gonna happen to her?
[stammers] I don't know. They want her to burn for the riot,
and I just handed them the torch to save my own ass.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, all of us who surrendered,
we didn't get any extra time, right? So... thanks to you...
I surrendered. It kinda evens out when you think about it.
Well, I'm not sure it exactly works that way, but I appreciate the effort.
No, Nicky, you can't blame yourself.
It's every man for themselves. See, I joined a gang.
We're called D block, and we hate C block
because they got the good job and feather pillows,
and because of what happened last Valentine's Day,
no one's allowed to celebrate anymore.
I am familiar with the arbitrary, pod-based gang warfare
from my last staycation down here.
You know, I cannot say that it ends well for those involved.
Probably not the best idea for that fetus growing inside you, yeah?
Oh, trust me, the gang thing is the easiest part of this pregnancy.
I had no idea about the discharge, my nipples the size of helipads.
And the insomnia. Oh, the insomnia.
I was awake all night playing with my bunkie's pet rats.
Jeez, Lorna, rats are disease-carrying vermin.
They're gonna give your baby microcephali, or macrocephali.
The point is, the goal is, you want normal cephali.
Nicky, I've missed you.
I missed you, too. Tell me more about these helipad nipples you have.
-Like, how big are we talking? -[Lorna] Huge.
Good... morning, Litchfield Max!
Rise and shine, and welcome to another crisp October day.
Tomorrow is Halloween, which means tonight is Mischief Night.
And I know some of you feel
like this is your chance to exorcise your inner demons,
but I urge you to ask yourself,
"Is that really... the kind of energy I want to be putting out into the world?
What if, instead, I spent the day performing acts of kindness?"
Maybe surprise someone with a non-sexual favor for them,
or giving them a non-sexual body compliment,
or letting them know that they have dried blood on their face.
I wish someone had let me know that. Nobody told me until lunch.
And by that time, my T-zone was already starting to break out...
[Piper coughing]
[choking and coughing]
[laughs]
Happy Mischief Day, roomie!
What the fuck?
Good old cheese-in-the-nose prank. Gets 'em every time.
Putting cheese in someone's nose is not a prank.
Well, let's see. Made at least one person laugh. Ha! Me.
Made at least one person sad. You. Sounds like a prank to me.
I can't hear anything that you're saying.
Oh, yeah, I, uh... I put some in your ears, too.
-[gasps] -[chuckles] Is it a prank now?
-[sighs] -Not so fast, snaggletooth.
I'm gonna need you to fill my commissary today.
But I don't have any money.
Nice try. Too bad a little birdie named Stella
told me all about you and your privileged ass
before she flew the coop.
If I had to hear the name Piper one more time I would've strangled her.
You must've really made her mad.
Anyway, you owe me for putting your new girlfriend next door.
-It's only fair. -We did not ask you to do that.
But I did it, so you owe me.
Or do you wanna get tough about it?
Fine. I'll do it.
That woman is a fucking nightmare.
Good morning to you, too.
She put cheese in my face.
That's not even a real prank. Who does that?
Plus, she wants me to fill her commissary. This is full-on extortion.
Can we take it down a couple notches?
My arm killed me all night and I haven't slept.
I hate this place.
Bosses, gang warfare, extortion.
Since when are we living in The Godfather?
Murphy's Irish, so it's more The Departed.
Don't they all get shot in the face at the end of that?
Doesn't sound very promising.
Listen, she's trying to establish herself as alpha.
Might as well roll onto your back and let her sniff your genitals.
Next week she'll get bored and find some other beta bitch to pick on.
I can only handle so much genital sniffing.
-Now I'm going to go handle cheese. -Hmm.
As a treat. You gonna come?
Can't. I'm infirm.
So I'll meet you in the yard?
Look at us. Meeting for recess.
[sniffs] Is that Gruyère?
Nah. Too nutty.
[indistinct chatter]
[door buzzes]
That wasn't what I think it was, was it?
That depends. Did you think it was a dead woman on a cart?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. You didn't... did you?
-'Course not. -[sighs]
I know better than to off a good cellmate. She was clean and quiet,
and especially after she died.
The last three days have been heavenly. Minus the smell.
Yeah. I know death is a part of the circle of life.
It's in every Disney movie and some Pixar movies like Up,
and some movies like Stepmom.
But death gives me the gloomy-doomies.
Can you give me some space here? I'm trying to grieve.
Mommy says that the best thing for the gloomy-doomies
is to be with friends, but I don't have any here.
Who are your friends, bunker lady?
All I got is enemies these days.
I could request to be your roommate.
It's good to have company when you grieve.
It's what the Jews call a, um, a shiver. So you don't get cold.
[stammers] Yeah, no offense,
but I'd rather be locked in a cage with a swarm of bees.
Is that a no? Some people love bees.
No. Hey, it's almost outside time.
I've noticed that you always skip outside time like I do.
I've always wanted to go, but I was never great at playground.
Maybe, you and I, we can go together.
Like friends. Not a date.
Look, I'm not your damn prison mommy.
You want friends, go make 'em yourself.
If you're not gonna go, then I'm not gonna go.
You do what you want, but don't do it in here.
Get out of my cell
before they have to carry you out on a stretcher.
So... they squealed on you, too, hmm?
I guess it's just us now.
The Russian and the black. Like villains in a bad '80s action movie.
Or any action movie.
My girls ain't snitches.
And yet here you are.
How did you do it?
I mean, it was so dark after they blew that door open.
And all that screaming.
I didn't kill anybody.
We both watched him walk out of that room alive.
And when they stormed, I was dragged out in cuffs.
Okay, so if you didn't kill him and I didn't kill him,
who the fuck did?
Oh, I don't know for sure you didn't kill him.
[sighs] I didn't kill him.
I suppose it doesn't matter now.
They want us to go down, regardless of what we did or didn't do.
I ain't going down for shit I didn't do.
And I ain't spending the rest of my life in this fucked-up place.
It's funny.
After so many years, it starts to feel like your home.
And that these people are your family.
Until you stop being useful.
Then poof. They're gone.
And you remember that this is not your home
and that you are alone here.
Well, at least you got a real family waiting for you.
Inmates, let's go.
Oh. Check, check, check it out. Your MVP is all alone.
Might be a good time to toss her. Could get a day cry out of it.
I thought we weren't supposed to interfere.
Nah. It's not interfering if you're doing your job.
Trust me, you don't want to be playing catch up.
Hopper's already got ten points on a Bloody Mary.
-Up, inmate. -[gasps]
Against the wall. I'm tossing your cell.
-But I don't have anything-- -Get up. Now.
[sighs] Fuck.
This is some bullshit.
[grunts]
[door closes]
[sighs]
[breathing deeply]
Hey.
Is that a book?
I think you could call it that,
what with the pages and words between two covers.
Funny. Good so far?
Did you need something?
I was just saying hey.
We're disability buddies, after all. [chuckles] How's the smell?
It's fine. It's a sling, not a cast.
I broke my shoulder as a kid.
After a few weeks the sling started to smell
like my brother Sean's hockey jock. [scoffs]
Not that I... sniffed my brother's jock strap.
Just happened to get a whiff of it
while I was covering it in Tiger Balm to burn his nuts off.
Yeah, I heard you're quite the prankster.
I try to keep it fun around here. That gonna be a problem?
Not for me, but the fiancée's a little uptight.
Oh, you should've seen her. She had steam coming out of her ears.
Once she got the cheese out.
-You should see her ask for a manager. -[chuckles]
You got jokes. I could tell. I'm funny, too.
Yeah. Pranks are funny. Extortion? Hmm, less so.
Depends on your sense of humor.
Look, I get it. You're top dog around here.
I respect that.
But Piper is pretty unbearable when she's upset,
which makes my life a living hell. [chuckles]
So how about she fills your commissary this time,
and you agree to lay off her?
For my sake, not hers.
Normally, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself,
but lucky for you, Mischief Day is a very special day
for people with my personality type.
Does that mean we have a deal?
Consider it another one of my good deeds.
It's important to have good karma, you know?
I'll keep that in mind.
[sniffing] Mmm. Ooh.
This is rotten.
It's supposed to be like that. Never heard of blue cheese?
It's great in a pecan scone or pear tartlet
or stuffed in a date wrapped in bacon. I took a cheese class once.
White people go to some weird-ass schools, man.
[Gloria chuckles]
[laughing]
Pendejas.
[Blanca] Psst. So, I got a plan.
[Gloria] Oh, relax. It was just a stupid prank.
No, not about them, boba. Ruiz is back in gen pop.
I say we strike first, before she makes her move.
She knows we sold her out.
And it worked. She's fucked. So I'm good. I'm done striking.
It's a miracle we didn't get extra time after I jumped her ass.
Oh, let sleeping bitches lie.
Oh, that bitch don't sleep.
You know she's out there coming up with ways to take us down as we speak.
Look, um, if you want to do some stupid shit
and get sent back to Ad Seg, go ahead.
Nobody's stopping you.
We don't gotta do nothing. We let them bitches do it for us.
We let them know she's the one who freed the guards during the riot. Hmm?
Let the rest take care of itself.
[Ginger] All right. That's it for today. Wrap it up.
Faster you clean, the faster you get out to the yard.
I'm watching you, Chapman.
[indistinct chatter]
It's like a middle school dance out here.
We're on the right side. I hear D block is full of lesbians.
At least C block has some family values. Oh. Hey, look.
We're not supposed to talk 'cause we're wearing different colors,
but I wanted to say hi.
How you hanging there? I see you got rid of that limp.
I took some ibuprofen.
You look good.
I'm far from good, trust me. But the pain is better.
That one giving you any trouble?
[Dayanara] No. Mostly sleeps all day,
kinda like one of those dogs that's gonna die real soon.
I told you. She's up to something.
So, how's opening day treating you?
A girl spat on Beth Hoefler. You know, baby killer? She's one of mine.
Nice. How many points is that again?
Two. And I'm keeping my own records.
Not that I doubt our new commissioner.
What about you? Any action?
No. Day's still young.
Hey, did you see that? Chapman. Eleven o'clock. Something's up with her.
She looks pretty normal to me. Except she keeps smelling her hands.
Something's definitely up.
I think I should go talk to her. You stay here.
Where else would I go?
-Hey, Chapman. I saw that. -What did I do?
Oh, my God. Is that my tooth?
No, it's an acrylic replica. Yes, it's your tooth.
-This is amazing. -There's no such thing as a free lunch.
You gotta give something to get something. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
This isn't exactly back scratching
if you're holding a piece of my body hostage.
What do you want?
I want you to start something. An altercation, preferably.
With that one, in khaki.
What? No.
You like looking like a jack-o'lantern?
Because you'll never get that fixed while you're in here.
Inmates have died waiting for fillings.
Ruiz and I have a history. It's complicated--
She's the only one without a posse. You don't want to get jumped, do you?
-This is entrapment. -[scoffs]
Don't worry about it. I'll make sure there's no fallout on you or her.
And I'll break it up right away before she gets any serious punches in.
-[sighs] -Oh...
Make sure you yell something really mean beforehand.
Like, "stupid dum-dum" or something. Just make it loud.
[sighs]
Fuck it.
[groans]
Long time no see, Chapman.
[softly] I'm really sorry, but I need my tooth.
[loudly] You stupid dum-dum!
-[Maria grunts] -Whoa, whoa!
Break it up! Chapman! What did I just say?
That's it. Your rec time's over. Come on. Come on.
Was that a gang altercation?
Told you. I know a toxic person when I see one.
Good afternoon. My name is Suzanne. What's your name?
I said, my name is Suzanne.
Who's Anne?
No. My name is Suzanne.
I don't know any Anne.
[panting]
Ask them.
[Suzanne] Uh...
Sorry to bother you guys, but do you know an Anne?
♪ I feel a draft coming in ♪
♪ Must be that old front door ♪
-♪ In this house that I live in ♪ - [grunting]
♪ But it's only the wind ♪
♪ Ever since the day you left I've been in misery ♪
[Frieda] Hey.
The floor is lava.
I knew it! [grunts]
I knew it.
-Psst. What's that? -Oh.
Not sure.
What's the word for a bundle of sticks? Starts with an "F."
-Bring it over here. -I can't. The floor is lava.
-Mmm, whoa, whoa. -It's okay. I'm wearing asbestos boots.
Oh.
Ooh, ooh. Careful. It's hot.
-[Linda] Hello, Joe. -[sighs]
Nice digs. Long way from Purchasing, huh?
You wanted to see me?
I did.
May I?
-First off, I want to say how sorry-- -Save it.
Okay. In that case, I'm here to discuss Tasha Jefferson.
She was one of the leaders of the riot.
She negotiated on behalf of the other inmates.
I'm aware. I was there, remember?
Are you aware the feds are charging her
with second degree murder for the death of Piscatella?
A murder she most certainly did not commit.
I am sure that the FBI is more than capable of determining
the consequences of the riot.
Come on, Linda. We both know they don't care.
They are crucifying her to cover their ass,
instead of figuring out what actually happened down there.
What do you expect me to do about it?
Have MCC launch their own separate investigation.
-Mmm-hmm. -The feds have too much on their plate.
They're rushing this to get to a verdict the press would like.
Look, Joe, this isn't my department and, quite frankly, I don't care.
How can you say that?
With the same moral turpitude
that allowed you to leave me rotting in Ohio for nearly a week.
-Linda, I am sorry-- -Fuck you, Joe!
I don't accept your bullshit apologies.
Oh, and by the way, I met your little side-piece, Natalie.
She looks like a camel. Is that your thing?
I have a wide range.
You're disgusting.
Mmm-hmm.
Like I said, there's nothing I can do to help your friend.
It's not my department.
But what is my department is overseeing personnel placement.
I see you've recently submitted an application
for your old job back as warden.
I did.
[scoffs]
Well, you're obviously incapable of being the warden over at Litchfield.
But I do have an opening over at Missouri State Penitentiary.
You could start this week.
Missouri State? Missouri State is the place where wardens go to die.
The only reason there's an opening there is the last guy committed suicide.
-You're trying to bury me. -Damn right, I am.
So you can either take the job and submit quietly or I could see you in court.
-Court? Were we fucking married? -I agreed not to file against MCC,
but there is still the civil case I could file against you
for the heinous negligence that left me in the system
despite you knowing full well that I was a civilian.
You are worse than Natalie.
I'll consider that a yes to Missouri, then?
And also a compliment.
-Sounds like I don't have a choice. -You don't.
As you know, you will have to undergo a full psychiatric evaluation
before you return to work.
Also, I have a few interview questions we need to run through,
mostly as a formality.
Question number one.
Can you remember a time in your life when you kept a promise to someone?
-Anyone? -[sighs]
-This is bad news. -Yeah.
Back in my day, B block was neutral territory.
I guess some of these ladies can't kick a habit.
Can I have it back now?
Oh, I think it's best if I hold on to it for safekeeping.
Okay.
I didn't want to do this, but...
I think I'm gonna have to invoke finders keepers.
[chuckles]
These are deadly weapons.
Not a toy.
-Strongly disagree. -[scoffs]
These are fence posts for building a fort.
Why else would the ends be sharpened? Hello?
To shove in someone's ear and puncture their brain.
Or to turn their eyeballs into shish kebabs.
Or put a few holes in their windpipe.
Now, trust me...
I've seen it done... while I was doing it.
Well, there is also the double shove up the nose to pull out the brain.
Exactly.
Someone in here intends to hurt somebody,
and I have a feeling that somebody is me.
I hope they don't end up in the same cell as you.
That would be suspenseful.
[sighs]
Well, there's one way to make sure that don't happen.
You mean me?
Uh, still want to be roommates?
Would that make us friends?
Sure. Why not?
Oh!
[Pennsatucky sighs]
[Coates] This isn't working.
-[clears throat] -Maybe we should just keep going.
We been going all day, and you promised me we were gonna do camping things.
Well, these bricks are a scam, okay?
How do you call it a fire-starter if it can't start a fire?
[scoffs] They're not a scam, silly. They won't catch.
Wood can't catch fire when it's in a stack like this.
-It needs-- -I just need a minute. I got it!
[mutters] Tell me how to start a fire...
God! Damn it!
-The fuck? Chill out! -Shit!
-Chill out? I just-- I burnt my hand! -You're in a really fucking scary mood.
I'm allowed to be stressed out.
Okay? This is a very high-stress situation that we're in.
You think I don't know that?
[scoffs] Last I looked, they were looking for me.
Okay? You don't need to kick shit around.
I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to scare you.
You're always fucking sorry.
Literally. You're sorry about something every day.
Look, I know I'm not perfect, all right?
But I am trying really, really hard.
So maybe you could be just a little more patient with me.
Or maybe you're just wasting your time.
-What do you mean? -I don't know what I mean. I just...
Just, my mom was right. She always said that certain people have, like, um...
like, patterns, you know?
That... She would tell me some people will never change,
because they're just wired a certain way and not to even bother.
And you know what? Maybe she was right. I don't know, like...
Things will be easier once we get across the border. I promise.
Crossing a border doesn't make you a different person.
I am a different person, Doggett, because of you.
I'm out here in the middle of nowhere, hiding from the cops,
burning my goddamn hand because of you, Doggett.
If you told me a year ago this is where I'd be, I would've laughed.
-But here I am, right? -[sighs]
It takes work, but people can change.
They just... They got to make the decision to change
and then do whatever it takes to make it real.
The way I see it,
everybody's just one hard decision away from having a whole different life.
That's what this is. This is a chance at a whole new life.
-Yeah. -I thought that's what you wanted.
I'm tired.
-I'm tired, too. -Hmm.
So could we just not make your specialty schmear gem s'mores?
Yeah. Actually, I got a backup plan.
-[scoffs] -Right?
Yeah, how much to move a two-bedroom to Missouri?
Yes, Missouri.
[man speaking indistinctly over cell phone]
What? I mean...
Jesus. [stammers] What if I get rid of some shit?
How much to move a one-bedroom?
Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me.
I mean, your ad says movers, not extortionists.
Yes, I said extortion.
[stammers] Never mind. Please. Never mind.
-[phone beeps off] -[sighs]
Fucking miserable cunt.
[cell phone ringing]
Hello?
[woman] An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
-To accept this call, please press one. -[sighs]
[beeps]
[Taystee] I haven't heard from you.
Taystee?
You said you were gonna see what you could do.
And I did.
I met with the senior vice president of MCC.
All right, what did he say?
And she said it wasn't her department.
What the fuck does that mean?
It means I can't help you, Taystee. I'm sorry.
I tried. [stammers] I got no juice on this one.
There's got to be something else you can do.
Like, help me find a good lawyer so I can fight this thing.
I don't know any good lawyers.
Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have to move to fucking Missouri.
You're moving? To Missouri?
It's a long story.
You said you would help me.
I tried to help you. Repeatedly.
Do you remember me sitting across from you in my boxer shorts,
after you locked me in a shithole for two days?
That was me trying to help you!
If you would've listened then,
we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
[sighs] So that's it, then? You gonna let me go down like that?
Look, Taystee, you clearly do not do what other people want you to do.
You do what you wanna do.
You say you wanna fight this? Then go ahead and fight it.
You don't need a fancy lawyer for that.
[stuttering] I'm just done. I'm done!
[phone beeps off]
[sighs]
[sighing]
[chokes and coughs]
Hey. Daddy, right?
I'm sorry, do I know you?
[Maria] Ruiz. Just got in a few days ago.
Ruiz. Ruiz.
You're one of those pumpkins from up the hill, yeah?
Looks like Max gave you a warm welcome.
Guards roughed us up real bad after what happened.
I got something to help with that if you got the cash for it.
No, I'm good. Actually, I was thinking, um, that I could help you out.
Why would I need help from a new fish?
I heard you had some beef with C block.
You hear that, huh?
I swear, people always be hearing shit around this place.
No disrespect.
I got my own shit to work out with some of them if you need another player.
That's really interesting.
'Cause, see, what I hear is that Ruiz is the one who turned
and let the guards out to save her own ass.
Like I said, people hear shit.
So thanks, but no thanks.
And just between us,
I think you got off lucky fuckin' with a bunch of cookies.
That shit would've happened here,
we would have cut your tits off and worn them... as tits.
Good to meet you, Ruiz. And cover that bruise up. It looks weird.
-Hey, look what the cat coughed up. -Hey.
-Thought I saw the last of you, Nichols. -No.
Nah, I missed you too much.
Plus, couldn't let you have these girls to yourself.
I mean, hey, what's life without a little competition?
Are you staying clean?
Yes.
Yeah.
You still waging war on the backs of drug-addled minions?
Maybe. Maybe not.
I guess you'll have to wait and see.
[howling on TV]
-[growling] -[woman screaming]
-[suspenseful music] -[woman continues screaming]
-What ya doin', Pipes? -Shit. You scared me.
It won't stick.
-I think I need dental glue. -Is that your tooth?
Yeah. That Ginger guard made me fight Ruiz for it.
-You fought Ruiz? -It was more like a hair-pull.
It was kind of weird.
It was like... the guards had a bet or something.
Well, probably. I mean, it is Mischief Night, after all.
Where were you, anyway? You were supposed to meet me out there.
I spent the holiday celebrating with your roommate.
We actually did this really funny thing
where we filled some girl's Oreos with toothpaste.
She ate all of them anyway.
I think she thought they were mint-flavored.
You spent the day with that evil person?
Relax, Piper. I did it for you.
I asked her to leave you alone and she agreed, so... problem solved.
Problem not solved.
Now you are gonna owe her instead of me. You just shifted the focus from me to you.
Or maybe I made a friend where you had an enemy.
Also, if we're gonna keep fighting, you should put in your tooth.
Otherwise, I'm gonna laugh.
But it won't stick.
All right. Jesus.
All right, come here.
-Say, "Ah." -Ah.
[Suzanne] Or you could shove them under someone's tongue.
Or you could stick someone in their belly button.
Although, I have heard some people's belly buttons are a tunnel to nowhere.
And belly buttons tend to smell.
And then your stick would be all smelly.
There's the kidney punctures,
liver puncture, spleen puncture, all the organ punctures.
[gasps] Or you could do sticky things with the nether regions.
Wait, both nether regions.
I haven't thought of the nether regions. That's a whole 'nother category.
[sighs]
[toilet flushing]
[crying]
[sobbing]
[muffled grunting]
♪ Learning how to know you ♪
♪ Knowing how to be myself ♪
♪ In your city ♪
♪ On TV ♪
♪ At the same time ♪
♪ This isn't love ♪
♪ Not in the way That I've been looking for ♪
♪ Thank you for being ♪
♪ Such a lovely individual ♪
Rough night? You and the rat pack hit up a titty bar or something?
They're gone, Nicky.
Who's gone?
Nutella, Briar, Julius.
All of 'em. They're all gone.
[Nicky] Maybe they ran away because their names are so fucking weird.
That is not funny. They're just kids.
[Nicky] Mmm-hmm.
What does the, uh, rat whisperer say about it?
I think she thinks that Andrea has eaten her kids again.
Mystery solved. Filicide. That's when a parent kills their child.
I know my parents are guilty of it. Not in the literal sense, of course.
But, you know, still, I would argue that they probably have quite a lot in common
with Mama Andrea Rat.
[Swope] Hey, you two.
-You're on mop duty with us. -Man, come on.
You really need, uh, four people to mop one room?
You questioning my cleaning strategy?
Oh, no, ma'am. Cleanliness is godliness.
[Cathy] Good morning, all you ghosts and ghouls out there.
Today is Halloween, and you know what that means.
You mind just, like, turning it down a little bit?
I'm having trouble hearing the suicidal voice in my head.
Oh, that's too bad. I like Cathy. Her talking relaxes me.
You find that relaxing? Were you, um... Were you raised by farm animals?
Hey. Less talking, more shutting the fuck up.
See? He's on my side.
[Cathy] Blue sweaters.
-[volume increases] -Red sweaters.
-Much better, thank you. -Beige sweaters. Black sweaters.
Her voice kinda sounds like Nutella's, actually.
-I think I can almost hear him. -I hear something, too.
[Cathy] White sweaters.
-Off-white sweaters. Brown sweaters. -[squeaking]
[Lorna] Oh, my God.
[gasps] Hey, Nutella!
-Shh. -Okay, last looks. Time to--
[Cathy screaming] Help me!
-Nobody move. -They're killing me!
-Hopper. Hopper, come in. -Help me!
That's our cue.
Lazlo! Augustine! Come here, baby.
-Dump your buckets. -No, thanks.
[Lorna] Nicky, you gotta do it.
Do it. Should I tell Daddy you refused orders?
[Lorna] Do it, Nicky.
You don't want to be on his bad side. Or her bad side. Whatever it is.
-Fuck me. [yells] -[Lorna] Nicky!
Everyone follow me now in an orderly fashion.
At least now they are free.
And they have all the cheese they could want.
-[Ginger] You hear that? -Of course I heard it.
What should we do? Supposed to take them to their shift.
Hopper's on it. I'm taking mine to D block.
Take yours to the packing warehouse.
They'll let us know when they figure out what that was.
Copy that.
[hissing and clicking tongue]
Any idea who picked up Chatty Cathy?
No idea. I think she might be a free agent.
Thank God.
Okay, ladies. Get to packing until we tell you otherwise.
Let's, uh... Can we clean...
Clean this. Clean those.
Son of a mother!
[inmates screaming]
Fucker! [grunting]
[Ginger] Everyone remain calm!
Uh, the cheese has not been harmed.
Uh, we'll wash it off. Nobody saw anything.
[siren wails]
[indistinct chatter on dispatch radio]
Excuse me, I'm here to surrender.
What did you do, son? Get into some mischief last night?
Yeah, something like that. Yeah.
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪
♪ When you open your mouth You don't talk, you shout ♪
♪ And you give everybody the blame ♪
♪ But when they catch you up They will shut you up ♪
♪ And you got no one to blame ♪
♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ There's a rat in mi kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what... ♪