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I know, I know, Red.
I'm no Macaulay Culkin.
If at first you don't succeed...
Maybe you should get used to failure.
- Nice makeover. - Can't say the same.
You shave a gorilla, it's still a gorilla.
What if it's all a plot? What if he's still coming?
Head on the pillow. Head on the pillow. We can do this, we can do this.
- He could already be here! - Fantastic, right?
This place could use some festive napkins and centerpieces.
How can you make jokes?
He's gone, all right? We sent him away. Mission aborted.
And maybe that point just isn't connecting
because you just deep fried your amygdala.
Look, even if girlfriend, I mean, comes strutting in here,
he's what, about seven feet tall,
dressed like an extra from Cruising.
I'm pretty sure I'll spot him walking down the hallway.
Come on.
Here, have a little drink.
Now, you should probably expect some, uh, primo headaches,
a little bit of short-term memory loss,
even a soupçon of hellish hallucinations.
Let's try and sleep through some of that?
Oh, I feel like my hot flashes are having hot flashes.
That, too.
Okay.
I'm gonna make you a cold compress, because I am all in
on this whole role-reversal thing we got going here, okay?
Every parent becomes the child sooner or later.
But I didn't think it would happen so soon.
It was for you, Nicky, and for my girls.
I wanted to slay the koshmar so you can sleep at night.
This piece of shit is not the reason we can't sleep at night, I mean...
Uh, the lights, the farting...
... the snoring, the creaking...
I mean, the whole prison insomnia jamboree, yeah,
but this schmuck is just another instrument in the band.
But we love that you were thinking of us.
I'm gonna grab the ice. I'll be right back.
No, no, don't leave me. Don't leave me alone!
I'm not. Uh, nobody's ever really alone, Red.
We got a lifetime of regrets to keep us company.
- How was your day? - Fantastic.
I discovered a whole new muscle in my back I hadn't pulled yet.
You?
Well, I soldered six more spindles than yesterday.
- Oh... Ah. - So much job satisfaction.
- Punching out early again, Galina? - One minute early.
There should be some perks to dating you, no?
My love and devotion aren't perky enough?
Let me think on that.
Mmm-hmm.
He's always talking about the places he'll take me.
Odessa. Lake Chernobyl. Then, nothing. All talk.
So break up with him.
What if he puts me on turbine duty?
Yuliya Ovechkova did that for a month. She has the hands of an old woman now.
Fine. Waste your 20s on that goblin.
Is he good in bed at least?
I've never been with anyone else.
When you think of him, what do you feel?
Sleepy.
He's Relanium made flesh.
Hey. Look what I bought.
Levi's.
- Nadezhda! Where did you get those? - A boy from the university.
He said they make the ass of the wearer look like the Charlie's Angels.
- Where can you even wear them? - A party. Tonight. He invited me.
- And he said I could bring friends. - I don't like parties.
Soggy herring and accordion music. Nervous men asking you to dance.
Oh, Galina, you have been going to the wrong parties.
- You waited. - We're not waiting. We're just sitting.
Galina... I want to take you to the Georgian restaurant tonight.
They have the greatest chakapuli.
We're going to a party.
After, then.
When does it end? 8:00? 8:30?
- When the sun rises. - Mmm-hmm.
You'll miss curfew.
See? He's a hamster in jackboots.
A gerbil, Galina.
Hamsters at least bite.
How'd you get this number?
The warden, Caputo. He said you could help.
Jesus Christ. Even when he's a hostage he's making work for me.
Please. My son is in intensive care and I need to see him before...
he wakes up. Caputo said that you could help.
Just like that.
Look, I know you don't get somethin' for nothin'
but what do you think I got to offer, huh?
You could free the hostages.
Well, how do I know that you are gonna deliver what I am askin' for?
You don't, but I seem to be your only shot.
Look, release the hostages and you'll see your son.
Look, there's 400 bitches in here
asking for a whole lot more for those hostages.
So don't ask their permission.
Look, what... What's more important to you?
Your... your criminal peer group or your child?
Just to be clear... you are asking me to fuck over everyone I know.
First lesson of business school.
That was a joke. Hello?
Holy shit. Yeah.
She ain't gonna be able to hide from all this.
You both gonna be famous.
When I wanted to rebel against my mother,
I had a few babies, packed some heroin.
- But this? - Yeah, she really committed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Ma'am...
you cannot be here. You gotta turn this car around.
Yeah, yeah. No, I gotta talk to my daughter.
Uh, okay, family goes behind this barricade over here.
I'm not family. I'm her mother!
Daya, it's me!
Don't tell them anything! You got rights!
- Does she? - I think you got rights!
- Hey! I see you seeing me! - Ma'am.
Listen to your mother, you asshole!
- Okay, okay, okay, don't touch me. - All right.
Don't touch me. Sexual harassment!
You need to start the car and back it up, please.
All right, all right, all right. Okay. Okay.
What's gonna happen to Diaz?
We'll give her a special sentence reduction
- to thank her for being so honest. - Really?
Let's see what shape the guard's in.
That bitch going to Max till forever.
Where were we?
Think you was about to give us everything we askin' for.
Cute.
Now, it is my understanding
that an education program is already in place.
Y'all seen any education program 'round here?
Mmm-mmm. I guess it must've went missing.
"The Life Skills Initiative
"provides inmates with practical skills
even more marketable than the former GED program."
- Life skills? - Mmm-hmm.
She mean pourin' cement with that dude with the abs.
Man, we did that for, like, less than a week.
Mmm. Six wonderful days.
And that beefcake put the semen in sement.
Cement. It's pronounced cement.
Now, tell me, why exactly was that program stalled?
Yeah...
I don't recall at this juncture.
You don't?
They found a guard in the garden all chopped up like Fancy Feast.
You really don't remember? It was, like, four days ago!
Plus, that shit was dark.
- Oops. - Wow.
You girls have been busy.
So, now, tell me, was this murder also part of your nonviolent protest?
The murder ain't the point.
The point is our education program ain't never been no education program,
even before it was put on hold for some alleged murder.
Manual labor without instruction ain't an education,
and it damn sure ain't no life skills.
You think she'd be sayin' "ain't" so much if we had an education program?
I'd like to believe you. Really, I would.
But, in light of these ongoing revelations,
the injured guard you refuse to hand over, it's tough.
You lost credibility.
Give me a second.
Come on, Watson.
You talk too fucking much!
Where is she going?
She went to go powder her argument.
So...
- How's not being in prison? - It's the best.
We have these fancy gadgets to look at when we wanna leave a conversation.
All right. I'mma go pee.
Bam! Irkutsk is mine.
The fuck is Irkutsk, anyway?
All right, excuse me. Coming through.
Tryin' to live my best self, here.
Nichols.
Is that you, hot girl?
Look, hey, man, I'm really sorry I don't remember your,
you know, exact name after we did the sex and all.
I just want you to know that, uh...
that does not mean I don't hold you in a very high...
Let me guess.
You need to sacrifice a few more for the good of the many.
I just wanted to tell you that it worked.
That Dayanara saved us.
That's funny. I don't feel saved.
- Well, we're still negotiating. - So the end justified the means.
Look, I know how I am with a cause. I know that I'm like a dog with a bone.
Or an angry dragon on its lonely mountain of gold.
That, too.
I know she freaks you out...
Worthy Cause Piper.
And she freaks me out, too.
- But you're not sorry. - No, I'm not sorry.
Because I believe in my side.
And you believe in yours.
Fuck.
Are we one of those romance novel, red state, blue state couples?
- Like James Carville and Mary Martin. - Matalin.
Or Maria and Arnold!
They always did seem like hopeless masochists to me.
Maybe you're my Arnold.
It's not a tumor!
Do not ever do that again.
No. Wow.
- And don't ever fuck the housekeeper. - Sure.
Hello?
Who's there?
Are those friendly feet?
Jackpot!
- What's good on an open wound? Lotion. - Definitely.
- Shampoo? - If it's got aloe.
Um, those aren't yours.
I told you the ghetto rats got all the best bath products.
They gotta lotion up all the time or they get assy.
- How would you know? - I might've dated a black guy once.
Angie!
They're gonna, like, revoke your Boston asshole card.
I believe the term you're looking for is "Masshole."
Hey, we all gotta experiment! You got Rumspringa...
I got Clarence.
- Is it true what they say? - What?
"Once you go black, you don't go back"?
More like, "Once you go Clarence, you piss off your parents."
Um, uh, uh, no.
No, that's not your... That is not your domain.
You're not supposed to touch other people's things.
What's this for, anyway?
- Got a secret baby around here? - No. Point of order!
Now, if you're gonna keep stealing and being culturally, um, problematic,
uh, you think you can set me free?
- She needs something. - Yeah, but what?
Freedom!
No, that's not it.
Don't be scared.
Life's gonna be so much easier now.
You okay, Red? You look a little twitchy.
- Have you seen Nicky? - No, have you seen DeMarco?
- No. - Good talk!
I thought Nichols was the doctor.
Well, I gave myself a promotion.
I figure after two full days of nursing, I'm ready to start doctoring.
Or... docting?
- Both, probably. - Mmm.
So what do you got in here for depression?
Well, we got, uh, Zoloft and the Lexapro,
and a whole bunch of stuff if you just wanna be unconscious.
- This is more like a existential thing? - Oh.
You know, when you get everything you ever wanted,
and then you're, like, "Is that all there is?"
Hmm. Let me see what we got for that.
Uh, let me ask you something.
- Is it chronic? - Sometimes.
She's gone!
- Who? - Nicky!
You haven't seen her, have you?
Well, no, we're going through this fun phase
where she can't stand to look at me. I'm probably the wrong person to ask.
Into thin air.
- Like Nadezhda! - Ooh!
God bless you.
Why don't you care?
Oh, I see what's going on here.
It's hard, isn't it? Coming down off the strong stuff.
I am not on drugs!
Except for the ones already in my system.
- Oh. Textbook denial. - I saw somethin' like this on Dr. Drew.
What if he came in after all? Now that no one is suspecting?
No, I got rid of him myself, Red.
He bought it, hook, line and tinker. You wanna see the text?
You know, I ain't seen Flores in a while either.
How long before you count somebody as missing?
No, no, no, that is not helping. Thank you.
- Ex-nay on the issing-may. - I know pig Latin, Lorna.
Okay, Red, everyone knows you're very smart.
I shouldn't have to tell you people don't just vanish into thin air.
- It doesn't look like anything. - That's the whole point.
It's a speakeasy.
If they really want to be sub rosa,
they should hire some hungry people to stand outside.
Grocery stores have lines around the block.
What do you want?
Two cabbages and a soup bone.
What happens if you ask for a loaf of bread?
He was right. They do give you the ass of an angel.
Ah.
And that skirt gives you Brezhnev's butt.
Thanks.
What do we do now?
- We dance. - It's too slow for the Barynya.
You make it up, dummy.
The Westerners use their hips, like Elvis Presley.
You're supposed to look like you're having sex without touching.
Like this?
You look like you hurt yourself.
That guy is staring at us.
Not at us. At you.
I don't know how he can breathe. Those jeans are so tight!
I like it. Truth in advertising.
You know what you're buying.
Nadezhda!
His friend is the guy who sold me the jeans. Don't look. Be cool.
Kostya.
- You brought a friend. - I said I would, didn't I?
He wants to talk to her.
Why doesn't he come over himself?
He does what he wants. We all do what he wants.
He makes the parties.
Go. Maybe he'll make a party in your panties.
I haven't seen you before.
I do my grocery shopping elsewhere.
You're one of those factory girls, right?
The ones who wash their clothes in vodka to get the stink out?
I never waste good vodka. Vinegar does the job just as well.
The work. You don't hate it?
I don't have a choice, so I make the best.
No. Stop that.
Don't make the mistake of committing yourself to the old ways.
You need to be ready for when the world changes.
It happens fast.
It's happening now!
And you're going to show me these new ways?
I'm going to show you everything.
♪ Dropped it. Yes, on the way I dropped it ♪
♪ And some fine brother picked it up ♪
♪ And put it in my pocket ♪
Hello?
Have you checked the children?
Nope. Pause. I know how this shit goes.
The children is already dead,
and I'm next because that's how it go for black folk in the movies.
Have you checked the children?
Which children?
She said, "Which children?"
I don't know. Make something up!
Spooky children.
"Spooky children," bitch? That don't even sit right with me.
Look, instead of me checkin' the children,
how about you check your damn self?
- Um... No! - Angie, you suck at this!
- No, I wasn't done! - Give it to me!
Peace out.
I see you!
Hello? I said I...
Come on, bitch, pick up!
- You are religious? - Church of Satan, ma'am.
Look. Uh, man, I should've told you there was a riot.
I'm a fuckin' wuss, okay?
I didn't want to worry you, you know?
You did what you had to do.
I know Daya got herself in some bad shit.
Just tell me she's okay.
Yeah, yeah, she's okay.
- You lying bitch! - What?
Yo, this bitch lied to me twice!
Aleida, calm down.
I'm staring at my daughter in handcuffs right now!
I ask you to look out for her and the next thing I know
she's shooting somebody and confesses?
Her life is over!
You've been fucking up her life for 23 years, querida.
You think that I was gonna undo that in a week?
All you had to do was be an equally bad mother,
not a hundred fuckin' thousand times worse.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
I'll fuckin' cut your tit off.
Yeah, you know what?
I would love to stay here and get yelled at,
but I got my own kids to worry about.
Yeah? Well, I'll be prayin' for them little bastards,
'cause they don't stand a chance with you as their mother.
- I hope you're wrong. - Me, too!
'Cause I'm tired of bein' right about people.
Have a good fucking life, okay?
Fucking what?
You are magnificent.
- Hurry up! - Man, this shit wouldn't cut butter!
Jefferson, that you?
Hold up, Mr. C. We settin' you free.
Not free free, but you feel me.
- Are you supposed to be doing that? - Are you supposed to give a fuck?
Cheerfully withdrawn.
A'ight.
Damn!
No need to thank us, Mr. C.
- I'm not thanking you. - You grudgin' it out.
I respect that, but this ain't no freebie. We need your help.
You punched me.
You took me hostage.
Why would I ever, ever help you?
Okay, let me catch you up.
Previously, on the Fucked-Up Prison Channel,
we've been negotiating for things like justice
and better living conditions and education,
and the governor, he gave us Cheetos.
But we said we don't want no blood Cheetos so now they talkin' bullshit,
sayin' that we already got a education program,
when everybody knows it's really a dig-ditches-and-get-tetanus program.
That program is slave labor, plain and simple.
See? Told you he still cared.
Problem is, they sent us this negotiator, but she don't believe us.
That's when you come in. You'll be our... credibility man.
Who they send? They send a lawyer?
Nah, they sent in that chick that you hate... Figueroa.
The one that used to have your job?
And look like a giraffe, but kinda sexy?
- She ask about me? - You did not come up.
Ain't all about you, Mr. C.
Oh, but we did get you a little gift.
We, uh, got it from the guard bathroom.
Piney fresh.
Now that you piney fresh, you can bring your ass.
Where'd everybody go? Shouldn't we go where it's more populated?
Is this the teen-scream scenario? Hmm?
Me in the letterman jacket, you with the pom-poms.
Okay, babe, whatever gets your knickers wet.
No, I'm really serious. Don't you think it's spooky?
- I heard people are going missing. - Mmm.
Maybe the SWAT team is plucking us out, one at a time.
- They can do that? - Aw...
Don't you worry about that, babe. I won't let that happen to you.
This skeevy prison hookup is forever.
How do you think negotiations are going?
Well, if I had to take a wild stab at it, I'd say not very well.
That Fig, she is a grade A, locally-sourced megabitch.
Yeah. Plus MCC's lawyers would file a breach of contract
before ever agreeing to increasing the budget.
So I've heard.
Well, here we are.
In you go.
- In... right here? - Mmm-hmm.
It's so dark.
The better to eat you with, my dear.
Gotta be a light switch in here somewhere, right?
Ow!
Boo?
Hello?
This isn't funny.
Fuck.
Shower sex is for teenagers and '80s movie vixens.
- No one actually enjoys it. - I enjoy it.
Pipes, water is not a lubricant.
Finally, someone who will believe me!
See? Red gets it. Shower sex is not a thing.
- He's here. In the prison. - Who?
Piscatella.
I woke the sleeping giant, and now he's come down the beanstalk
to stomp all over the village, the village being prison.
You think I sound crazy.
Little bit.
Yeah, a guard coming to a minimum security prison
to personally target someone?
- Like, when has that happened before? - Fair point.
- Okay, so you saw him on the inside? - No, but...
But he said he was coming in?
Actually, he said he wasn't. But it's a trick, a smoke screen.
And I'm not the only one he's targeting.
He's making all the people I care about disappear, one by one.
He's aiming for the heart or for the mind. A mind-heart combo.
I think there's a pattern, see?
Norma, missing.
- Oh, boy. - Frieda, missing.
Gina, missing.
Yoga, and now Blanca and Nicky...
- Let me guess... - Missing.
I didn't know that Piscatella paid such close attention to your social circles.
This is serious, damn it!
Red, I wanna believe you, but you're making it impossible.
Did you ever think that maybe your prison pals are avoiding you
because you're being, like, an aggro psychopants?
We've all been there.
Nicky was getting me ice and she just vanished!
So Nicky didn't complete a task set out before her?
Like, shocker.
She's probably with that new girl.
Somehow she found a sexy loner
we've never seen in prison before to hook up with.
We've all been there.
Red, what's the, uh... What's the frying pan for?
For hitting him with.
Okay. You need to get some rest, okay?
And when we see Nicky,
we're going to have her kick that girl out of bed and come find you.
- Okay? - Mmm-hmm.
- What if it's really sudsy water? - No, it's still not a lubricant.
- How do I look in jeans? - Like the fall of empires.
Like the beating heart of democracy.
That's it?
Fuck.
First you can't wait to get me in jeans. Now you want me out.
Mmm!
I should add more bleach.
Suddenly everyone wants them faded, like Robert Plant.
What do you want? Two cabbages and a soup bone.
We don't have any!
Go away, we're in love.
Have you seen Kostya?
- Not since Saturday. - I'm worried.
You don't think... Could they have taken him?
He sells blue jeans, not state secrets.
They wouldn't say "blue jean selling."
They'd say "Imprudent associations," or "Western decadence."
Western decadence is important.
People need to know there's a world outside of Russia.
The government can control what's on the news,
but not what people wear.
Keep telling yourself that. They can control whatever they want.
Not the song in our heads.
Supertramp. The Bay City Rollers.
She's right.
Of course she's right, you're in love with her.
Everything that was criminal becomes normal, day by day.
When the Beatles arrived, suddenly the government didn't mind jazz so much.
Now that there's the Ramones, the Beatles are not so bad.
And on like that, till we are free like the West.
We are pioneers.
Um...
You have the next batch?
I was thinking of trying to move them by the botanical garden.
Over there. Twelve acid wash, 12 James Dean dark blues.
The Robert Plants are still cooking.
Sell them near the tea shop by the university.
That's where Kostya was selling. Maybe it's too conspicuous.
Students pay more.
And they are the future for freedom.
At least at the garden I can hide in a bush.
Here.
Liquid courage.
Go forth and sell liberty and justice for all.
♪ Come sing with us ♪
Oh, hell, no!
♪ Basic bitches ♪
- ♪ Bitches ♪ - ♪ Bitches ♪
Crap, it died.
Video sucks up all the juice.
- That's what she said. - Did she, though?
We gotta find a charger.
How else are we supposed to post our dope original song
in honor of getting 10,000 followers?
And how we supposed to google something if there's something to google?
And where are we supposed to put our eyes
when we don't wanna see a nasty face?
What'd we do before, like, two days ago?
- I guess we used to talk to people. - Crazy.
Maybe we should just split up and search separately.
Hell, no, Scooby-Doo. It's creepy as fuck in here!
Plus, we do everything together.
Yeah, you're right, I don't know why I said that.
You were having, like, a Snickers moment.
You ain't you when you're hungry.
Moving back in?
There's too many mosquitoes outside.
- I don't wanna get a Zika head. - I don't think that's how it works.
You know, people build shelter for a reason.
Outside is dark and dirty and...
you know, some lolo jerk stepped on my pillow.
Another revolutionary bites the dust.
Maybe I'll rediscover my ideals in the morning.
How do you know if you're going crazy?
Usually you don't, because when you've really lost it,
you're sure you're the only sane one and everyone else has gone crazy.
Like, my mom knew for sure Kris Kristofferson was in love with her,
and... and the police were crazy for pulling her off his security wall.
Do you have my cookbook?
Sorry, um, I...
I mean, I like to look at the pictures. It feels like I'm eating.
Is that sad?
- That's what cookbooks are for. - Hmm.
Son of a pig fucker.
Such a pretty language.
What is this?
It goes with a festive line dance. Sort of like the Bielolitza.
Disco is bullshit.
- What do you mean, gone? - I've been looking all night.
Her mother hasn't heard from her in three days.
Dmitri says she'll be fired if she doesn't come to work tomorrow.
Shit.
- What if she tells them about us? - She won't.
Are you sure?
I wonder if Kostya gave them her name, and now Nadezhda...
We have to do something for her. Organize a demonstration.
Before they make us all disappear, one by one.
No. What we have to do is destroy the jeans, then lay low.
Keep our heads down.
What happened to changing the world?
It's gotten too dangerous.
I thought you were brave. But you don't want anything to change.
You're the rebel that they can tolerate.
You get to sit here and play your music and feel like a punk,
but if you're threatened, you step right in line, don't you?
That's why they leave you alone.
You help each other exist.
You go too far, Galina.
You don't go far enough.
Joe?
Which one are you? Joe?
Hello? Uh, a little help?
- I'm looking for Joe. - I can be Joe, if... if you want.
Joe?
Joe...
are you giving me the silent treatment?
Joe not here. Went to see giraffe lady.
- Giraffe lady? - They fight but they also bone.
Classic rom-com.
What is going on? What is happening?
Where did everybody go?
Boo!
What's the matter? You lost your bitch, bitch?
I think, technically, I'm her bitch.
Oh, yeah.
- Bitch, bitch. - Wait, wait, I got another one!
Say, "Where'd everybody go?" again. Say it!
Please don't hurt me!
No one wants to play with Brandy.
You gotta watch 'em even at night?
You never know what they could be plotting.
Yeah. Diabolical.
Hey, you want a cigarette?
I stole it from a guard locker so... it ain't stale.
Our mom used to smoke.
And now she has a hole in her neck the size of a Ritz cracker.
Ah, sucks...
how we gotta do the work in here.
Me behind the stove, you watching these sad fucks
while everyone's outside getting a suntan.
We got job satisfaction, actually.
Yeah, you maybe ought to think about your choices.
I mean, if you don't love waking up in the morning,
then you in the wrong line of work.
Hmm. Tell me more about this, uh, guarding shit.
Hey, this about more than guarding. This about our rights.
Yeah, this is about performing
unnecessary, revenge-motivated strip searches.
Yeah, and using a steady flow of name-calling
- to tear down their self-worth. - Hmm.
Hey, piss-bitch!
- Oh, fuck! What? What'd I do? - See?
That does look rewarding.
Thanks to them being locked up and all at our mercy and everything,
we have a chance to make a real change around here.
If your mom could talk outta her Ritz cracker,
I think she'd say she's proud of you.
- Maybe. - Yeah.
All right!
- You got room for one more? - Who's gonna cook?
Ain't like there's food left. Right?
It's nice to see you finally gettin' in the spirit.
See? I told you she wasn't just a bossy twatwaffle.
Is that you, Vause?
I thought that you hated shower sex.
I'm giving this one last shot. For you.
So charitable.
All right, suds me up.
It's not something that you say to a woman that you're trying to arouse.
Convinced?
I need to feel a few more arguments.
Hang on.
I'm gonna go grab something from my shower caddy.
Props.
Are you gonna tell me what they are or you gonna surprise me?
Now...
Suzanne?
Grace?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my... This is wrong on so many levels.
If you're gonna contour your blush, you gotta blend better.
I'm not comfortable.
Oh, you poor thing. Who did this to you?
They said...
I'm crazy.
You wanna know what I think, Suzanne?
I think crazy is just a word people invented
to keep the extra-interesting people down.
Well,
Mommy says there are many shades of different as there are of people.
Well, I wish I was told that when I was growing up.
Are those my meds?
You don't need these anymore, Suzanne.
No, actually... I do.
They're just trying to sand down your edges,
make you all the same shade.
I'm not good with metaphors, but I do know one thing.
You should be free to be you.
Be me.
Be... me.
Oh, I am glad we had this talk. I got a real good feeling about this.
Free to be me and me.
Figueroa.
- She could be Latina. - Or Italian.
My husband is the world's whitest Mexican, next to Louis C.K.
- Hold up. Louis C.K. a Mexican? - Mmm-hmm.
Hey, check it out.
We got new representation.
I can see that.
- Nice boxers. - Thanks.
They must've been a gift from someone with very expensive taste.
Expensive taste and a soul made of old fingernail clippings.
Mmm... 'kay.
If memory serves, we were talking about reinstating the GED program.
The issue being the presence of an existing education initiative.
They called it education so they don't have to pay the inmates.
When I brought it to MCC, it was an education program.
They turned it into a chain gang.
Aw, fascinating. And how'd they sneak that one by you?
Joe, thank God!
You gotta get me out of here. I can't do this anymore!
What? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I am sorry! Your singing was terrible.
One of our recent transfers from Psych.
I'm not sure she was ready for the transition.
Excuse me, I purchased that baton.
We let her believe that she's running the place.
- Mmm... - It's easier that way.
Hey, whatever gets you through the day.
- Hey! I was mad, I was mad, okay! - Let's go.
You had lipstick on your ear... Ow!
Now...
you're aware of the state's prerequisites for education programs?
You aware?
Okay! Ow! Got it! I got it! I got the memo.
Ow.
Hey! Don't I know you from somewhere?
Uh, I guess I just have one of those faces.
Nah, you were on TV or... or somewhere.
Oh. Yeah, duh.
I'm, um... I'm the Counterfeit Cunt of Connecticut.
Somebody played me on Law & Order.
Who?
Alyssa Milano.
Carry on.
No, wait. I remember now.
You that hostage with the heels.
These heels.
I...
How would I even get something like that? I...
I'm just your average, everyday, hard-boiled perp
being managed by the second-largest for-profit prison corporation.
Hey, why don't we make her pull a Cinderella?
You mean, like, make her ride a pumpkin?
No, dumbass. If the shoe fits!
You heard the lady. Saddle up.
Girl, you know they fit you. Stop that.
See? It won't fit. My feet are too big.
This how O.J. got off.
I think she's spreading her toes.
- Yo, I'll do it myself. - Uh, uh...
- I wouldn't do that if I were you. - Why not?
- Because... - Oh, see?
Hey, that bitch got my shiv!
See? Just like O.J.
Galina!
Won't you even talk to me?
Let me guess, you heard I broke up with Pavel. Go ahead and gloat.
You broke up with Pavel?
I thought I could change things. With some jeans.
- Isn't that stupid? - No.
Do you think, would they grant me a transfer to Leningrad?
- Maybe there it's different. - It isn't.
You have to go further.
Where? Vladivostok? Too many fish.
We can't talk here.
There's still five minutes before the morning whistle.
Hurry up, Miss!
Screw off. I'm talking to my sick mother!
You always said I never took you anywhere.
So I started looking for a way that we...
A trip?
Don't you get it? We're over.
Listen to me.
I know a way for us to leave Russia.
It won't be easy,
but they're letting the Jews emigrate.
Not just to Israel now...
but to America.
You're not Jewish.
There are agencies. You pay them...
to find your Jewish relatives.
- And how does that help me? - If we were married...
So that's your plan.
Listen.
We don't have to be together in that way.
It can all be for show.
I know you think... I'm not man enough for you.
- Dmitri... - When we get to America...
you can go your own way if you want.
I can?
But maybe...
maybe I will show you I'm not a gerbil.
I am at least a hamster.
All along, you were the one with teeth.
America.
It's got to be better than this shit.
Jesus!
Ow! Fuck.
- This is why I don't wax. - Where is he?
Off playing Jason from Friday the 13th.
Or Jason's mom, technically. Spoiler alert.
Are you hurt?
Let's just say it's a good thing I do yoga.
Wait, I never do that shit.
- Yoga. Where is she? - I don't know.
- And Gina and Norma? Shit! - I don't know!
Oh, what? I mean, this isn't enough, uh, distressed damsels for you?
Oh, Red, I am sorry. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Turns out there really is a bogeyman.
Bogeyman is a demon. This is only a man. He can be hurt.
My ears are burning.
Fuck!
Ready to play, Reznikov?
I was born ready.
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