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Ma'am, this is a pet grooming facility.
Yeah... Yeah, no, it does sound like Fancy's very sick.
But you need to find a vet to put her down,
I don't do that.
Hey, son, do me a favor.
Grab me a bottle of Black Dahlia, will you?
Yeah... No, I can understand the confusion, ma'am.
It's "dyeing," with an "E"?
Yeah, that's fine.
Good luck, ma'am.
Am I a monster, Dad?
Aw, crud.
She must be in heat.
Hormones will hink up the dye. Do me a favor.
Pour me out a mess of the Hautedog Tender Green.
And pour in some Profound Blue if it's too pea soupy.
These people are weirdly particular about the gradient.
I didn't even want to take this job,
given this type's proclivities.
Reefer, like it's oxygen.
I swear, you will go broke in this business
trying to stick to your principles.
Hell, I put a stud vest on a poodle for a couple of fruits last week.
Mr. Caputo told me to leave, but I... I didn't listen.
Come on, now. You know, life is complicated.
This one time, I lost a shih tzu. Beautiful animal.
I was supposed to cage her alone, but I muffed up,
put her in with a goldie, was dyed like a lion.
Bam! Heart attack.
Christ, Bax, where are your gloves? That is semi-permanent dye.
Go inside, wash up, and rub 'em good, or it's gonna stain for weeks.
This is one hell of a mess.
What's going on with this guy's face?
Sir, with respect,
we have minutes till this thing turns ugly.
All I need is a lean force,
maybe a half dozen men in full gear, and your go-ahead.
It'll be a quick operation.
- Minimal casualties. - Desi?
I got two men here. Say they're waiting on Judy King.
Wait. King's still inside?
Son of a whore. If Judy King is inside, nobody storms anything, you hear me?
We wait this out.
Sir?
We get their demands and shut this down.
Before any more pictures like this get out.
Lucky they didn't put King in the hostage photo.
Christ!
We were supposed to pick her up, like, a couple hours ago...
- Guys, why don't we step out here? - I know you got a lot on...
Why don't we step behind the line over here?
I really appreciate your patience, guys. Thank you so much for your patience.
Y'all are gettin' distracted here.
We got to keep focus on Bayley.
I wanna see the fetus-faced fuck go down bad as anyone.
But we ain't got much time before they start bringin' in the tanks.
Might as well take advantage.
What you mean "ain't got much time"? We got hostages.
Yeah, but it's still a clock on all of this
if we're gonna be real about it.
Hey, hey!
I don't think that's how it's supposed to fit.
Look, you just worry about digging out your burqa, bitch.
How many times I gotta tell you, we're not all the same kinda Muslim?
Yes! Bruce Lee!
Come on, T. Get it while it's good.
Classic Air Max?
Oh, shit.
Please, please, please be my size.
Please be my size.
Yo, this is like Christmas!
Cinde-fuckin'-rella!
Oh, man.
I'll save this for Suzanne, for when she feelin' better.
Attention, inmates of Litchfield.
In an effort to resolve this quickly and without violence,
we are ready to hear your demands.
To repeat,
inmates of Litchfield, we are ready to hear your demands.
He saying we get to ask for shit now!
We are ready to hear your demands.
Hey, did you hear that?
All I hear is ringing.
What the fuck did they give us?
Uh, something about commands?
Or demands?
He's ready to... spear our hands? What?
Oh, shit!
Are they gonna crucify us?
Ah!
Or maybe it was ants.
He's ready to something some ants?
I have these aunts... back in Boston.
And I'm pretty sure they're witches
because, this one time,
I went over to the house and they were making this big pot of...
Oh! Oh, I know what he said.
De-pants!
Molester!
Yours are prettier than mine.
So pink... I got an idea!
Take that.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dress up like COs and pull everybody's pants down?
COs Taylor and Rice reporting for duty!
Ow!
Watch out.
Hey, candy bars.
Yeah. Nice phone.
Wanna trade?
What else you got?
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm. - Yeah?
- Done. Can I have those? - No.
Consider yourself de-pantsed, inmate.
Oh, oh, can we borrow your phone? I wanna make crank calls.
No, you just pantsed me. So fuck y'all! Fuck y'all.
But we wanna call bars and ask for Helda Dick.
Or Helda Cocken-Meehan.
I think that's better.
I get it.
Hey, y'all should be really careful in those types of outfits,
'cause one time, my cousin,
she stole a mall cop's badge and she got caught.
And she went to juvie her whole growin' up
because she stole an entire rack of tube tops
from Contempo Casual.
Yeah, yeah, we know. Power erupts.
Hurry the fuck up, inmates.
Yeah, ain't you hear? We get whatever we want now.
Which one of you stink?
Luschek pissed himself.
I told you guys I had to go.
I'm sorry. I was born with an oversized prostate.
It's a burden, but it makes for any anal stim...
Not another word, piss-bitch.
You guys, get the shit out of the bubble.
- No, don't do that. - What? I made it up.
Still, you could be sending messages and not even know it.
I did this once to a guy,
you know, to, like, show him that I thought he had a small dick,
and he thought I was a Crip.
Like you'd be anything but a Sureño.
What an idiot.
I think I'm gonna ask for a contouring palette as my demand.
Get an Amazon Wish List.
That way they know the brand to get you,
and they don't buy you that cheap shit that makes you break out.
- Let's go! - But, seriously, I need my insulin.
- Get in. - Can you untie us at least?
It'll be crowded in there.
You can't leave us in there without any food or water.
At least water.
Drink each other's spit.
Get your ass...
Something about this one, though.
Hmm.
Flaritza!
Take that one to medical. I'm sick of lookin' at his face.
My hair hasn't looked this bad since White Trash Bash sophomore year.
We need to work on your posture.
I have an anterior pelvic tilt.
You have anterior white privilege.
You look like you have too much to live for.
Walk with oppression.
Let me see some persecution in those shoulders.
All right, great.
Can we go now?
You. Not you, Lassie.
You've officially graduated the Vauseman Finishing School.
Mazel tov.
You can't abandon me.
Alex, would it kill us to let her tag along?
Plus, we can use her as a human shield when they bust in with all the AK-47s.
No, MCC would never, never have AKs.
Those are, like, $600 a pop...
Sometimes $560 if you can find a sale.
Great, so we don't even rate a semiautomatic.
Let's go. She's deadweight.
I'll tell MCC... about the dead guard.
I heard you in the stall.
I know that you have involvement.
Be my guest.
Tell the world.
We're just being nice. She's just being nice.
Don't be ungrateful. You don't know me.
I'm grateful. I'm so grateful.
Seriously?
Are you fucking kidding me with this, Little?
Of course it didn't fly at Liquor Barn.
Yolanda fucking Ono?
It says here you weigh 180.
Any idiot knows Alpha Zeta Delta won't even consider potentials above 135.
Now I have to go and get all six kegs myself?
I'm so sorry, Meggs. I totally let you down.
You disappoint one of us, you disappoint all of us.
Tell it to the group.
Sisters, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
I know you were counting on me, and I totally messed up,
and I will do everything in my power to make it up to you
because your love and respect, it really means everything to me.
I'm really sorry.
Ugh... pick up your face.
All right, beeyotches!
I know you all got Tammy's letter in your boxes,
yet I'm still seeing, like, a thousand N-O's around this room.
So to recap...
I don't care how cold it is outside.
No hideous puffy coats. No pants.
And no flat-ass fucking hair. I mean, Jesus H...
Yeah, I'm talking to you, tits-on-a-stick Stacey.
I don't care if you have to stand in front of a mirror for three hours
teasing the shit out of it!
I wanna see some fucking volume when those Phi Sigs walk in tonight.
I mean...
this is the meaning of sisterhood, right?
We owe it to each other as strong, independent women
to maintain this chapter's reputation as the raddest chicks on campus.
'Cause you're an Alpha girl now!
Who's with me?
All for one, and one for Alpha!
Let me hear some noise!
All for one and one for Alpha!
Try not to say anything or make eye contact with anybody.
Especially the Latinas.
And come up with some kind of a backstory.
Not that you should tell anybody.
Except if you need to.
Uh...
What's the very worst thing you've ever done?
I...
Have you ever broken the law?
Honestly, I've always been a pretty good girl.
One time, in college, I got busted for a fake ID.
Great!
You're in for forgery.
Damn, it's like Black Friday in here.
Those sales are racist as shit.
Make us fight over cheap TVs while white folks sit at home eating turkey,
laughin' at us on the news.
No. White, black, Puerto Rican, Jewish...
we all like us a 75%-off plasma screen.
Why you think they call it "Black Friday"?
I say we tell 'em we ain't lettin' no one else in this prison
until Bayley is in chains.
That's our demand.
- I'm cool with that. - Me, too.
Hold up. That's our only demand?
You got somethin' more important?
No. I just think we have an opportunity here.
I mean, he did say "demands"...
plural.
Why not think bigger?
A'ight, yeah, I get you.
Let's talk about creature comforts.
New unis, softer sheets...
Reese's Pieces. Mmm, you ever had them fried?
I think you mean "Ree-see's Pee-see's."
What's a Pee-see?
And Bayley, obviously.
Fry him up, too.
Also, we have to get everyone's demands to make it count.
And why we gotta include everyone? P was our girl.
Yeah, but this ain't only our riot.
Worst thing you can do
is take another woman's voice when she's finally found it.
Even if she's drivin' you crazy,
messin' up your house, sleepin' in your bed, even.
You can't deny her the right to say her piece,
or shit can get real dark real fast.
She right, T.
If we don't work together...
every day's gonna be Black Friday in this bitch.
She hasn't responded to our texts.
Look, if he's not gonna do anything, I'm marching in there myself.
Easy there, Tony Stark. We need to stay calm.
How can I stay calm when my wife's trapped in there, Bill?
Sir!
It has been hours, and we have seen zero sign of Judy.
We are extremely concerned.
About Judy King? Have you met her?
Gentlemen, there's nothing to worry about.
This will all be settled in a matter of hours.
Why... why don't you go get some dinner?
By the time you get back, she'll be all ready to go.
You hear that, Reg?
It's gonna be okay.
I promise you, Judy is fine.
I am not fine!
Are you eatin'?
You do not eat during my billable hours, you son of a bitch!
Now find me a helicopter
and a blindfold for my flicker vertigo, and get me the fuck out of here.
Thing One and Thing Two are right outside. Best to hang tight.
I'm sure they'll have you out of there soon.
They can't get to me. I can't get to them.
It's getting dark.
These ladies are armed and angry.
Leeson, I am not playing games.
I don't know if I'm gonna survive the night.
Fucker! I can hear you chewing!
They're gonna come get us any minute, right?
Fuck yeah. Piscatella's gonna take care of it.
Piscatella's not taking care of anything.
He's never stepping foot in my prison again.
This doesn't look like your prison anymore, does it, Boss?
Not that it ever was.
The way you let these animals walk all over us.
Oh, this is my fault? Huh?
Which one of you geniuses brought in a fucking gun?
That's what started all this.
Actually, I'm pretty sure it was your
off-script press conference there, Chief.
Come on, guys. Lay off.
Oh, shut up, piss-bitch.
Look, you wanna go after Caputo, fine.
But I think the real problem is these crazy bitches have a gun.
Actually, I'm not so sure they do.
Flores?
What?
What are you doing?
Reading guard files.
Knowledge is power.
Have you, by any chance,
come across the name "Wes Driscoll"?
I think the Almas has his initials tattooed on his wrist.
I smell something.
Almas?
Yes, you know, ape-man.
What do you people call it, hmm? Bigfoot? Yeti?
Hairy, neckless sadist with pituitary issues?
Carahuevo.
That's a Bigfoot?
Penis face.
Oh, yeah.
That is one penis face.
Hey.
Hey!
Everyone! Clear the fuck out!
Mama's gonna make everybody dinner
while everyone else in this prison loses their fucking mind.
Mira, let's go!
Shit.
You two, stay and help me.
Put on some aprons.
Not that food safety's our main concern these days.
Nah, chica.
But I'm hungry.
Oh, you worked up an appetite playing Scarface, huh?
That don't mean you get to skip the line.
We all in this together now, thanks to you and that gun.
Look, I gotta tell you something.
I lost it. The gun.
Somebody took it from me.
Good, then it's not your problem no more.
Go on. Chop.
And from now on, you stay by me. Outta trouble.
Wow. This is a big knife.
You know what?
Why don't you go stir the pot? 'Cause you're good at that.
We'll alternate between intercostal
and diaphragmatic breathing.
Take a deep inhale...
...and we'll hold it for a count of ten.
One, two...
Clearly, it's working great.
Think of this as nature's CPAP machine.
Now when you inhale,
make sure to contract your lower abs
and squeeze your Kegels.
New one from Reg.
"Concerned about you.
Yearning for you back." Blah, blah, blah...
Oh! There's a thing about him wanting to watch Bill
"fill her out like an application" later tonight.
Classic Reg.
Textbook compersion.
Textbook what now?
Oh, it's that feeling you get watching someone you love...
make love to...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... Bill this time.
"Relieved to hear you're being well taken care of."
"Heading out for din."
"Will procure numnums for our lady
from wherever we end up."
That bitch!
I knew it.
While we're suffering this depravity,
she's off somewhere getting the golden riot treatment.
You think they have food there? 'Cause I'd like some numnums for myself.
Oh, they're probably peeling her grapes. Come on!
We're finding the Judy King panic room.
Hey, Heat Miser.
You fading out on me? We have work to do.
Oh.
Oh...
What is this?
"All natural energy supplement"?
Vitamins. I found them in the guard's locker.
Took one earlier. They work pretty good.
Where did you get this?
It tastes so... green.
McCullough's doing a cleanse.
I know it's dinnertime.
No, past dinnertime, actually.
Now, I know this because the sun has gone down
and we haven't even eaten yet.
I am not afraid of the dark. Mmm-hmm.
The universe is dark all the time.
Stars are what make it light.
So... it's always night, depending on how hard you look.
Or day, depending on how you see it.
What's important is ghosts are not real.
Ghost!
Oh! It's just Mrs. King.
Pleasant evening to you, Madam.
Oh!
These uniforms are so scratchy.
They're supposed to be a cotton/poly blend,
but all I'm feeling is the poly.
Not breathable at all. Am I right?
You know, I was saying the same thing to Pipes.
We talk about fabric blends in prison all the time.
You could help, you know.
Shh!
Yo, Vause, the fuck was that in the chapel?
Just exercising my First Amendment rights, Ruiz.
Didn't mean to interrupt your Gitmo torture parade.
Are you looking for a Nazi happy face on your arm, too?
Right now, there's three of us and one of you.
So are you sure you want to be getting in my face?
You think blonde Katy Perry and...
I never seen you before.
Um, I'm...
'Cause we all look like janky versions of white celebrities to you.
Kinda. Yeah.
Uh, Von Barlow.
Pleasure to meet you. I'm the Counterfeit Cunt of Connecticut.
You mean, you're not a real cunt?
So that means you can make fake shit?
Birth certificates, driver's licenses...
My specialty's a ten dollar bill but, you know,
they go Tubman on me, I might be screwed.
Yeah. What the fuck is that, huh?
How about Cesar Chavez or Che?
You know, I know I don't know you very well, but...
you seem like the type of woman who appreciates honesty.
I don't know who those guys are.
You know what, Connecticunt?
Something different about you.
Rest of the white girls here?
Fucking...
Blow, suck, blow...
Come on, little sis. I've gotta piss.
- Oh, I'm in the middle of... - Hoes before suck and blows.
Let's go! We're pissters.
Wait! Come back soon.
I'm so wasted.
Yo, Linda!
- Hey! Yeah! - You gotta get in here!
They're playing beer pong with Other Jim's glass eye.
It's off the chain.
Okay, yo! We'll be right there!
Hey, are you almost ready?
I'm trying. It's this fucking UTI.
Maybe they got the rally towels out of the house toilet,
and we can use the house bathroom.
Come on, Meggs. Pick up your face.
We've already missed, like, 20 minutes of action.
Come on, you're an Alpha.
A strong, independent woman. "All for one and one for Alpha!"
Yeah!
Yes! Okay, awesome!
So you're good, right?
Are you good?
Okay, awesome. I'm outtie.
Good luck.
All right, so tell me about your symptoms.
I got back pain and, uh, headaches.
Okay. Uh, Dr. Nicky,
we got some head pains and some back pains.
Aah! Bullshit junkie.
Hey, give her some, uh, muscle relaxers.
It'll, uh, help with the crave, give you a little bit of happy.
Possible side is some numbness in your extremities.
Aw, look at you. So cute.
You're like one of those commercials where they're like...
"This will help with your high blood pressure."
Possible side effects will include nausea,
dizziness, a loss of will to live,
hives, feelings of anger, aggression,
tremors, dry mouth, insomnia and a limp.
"Enjoy your life without high blood pressure!"
Can I have my drugs now?
Can I get my drugs now, too?
I wanna not feel this way anymore.
I'm sorry, all right.
You can't cheat grief.
Unfortunately.
I guess I can give you some sleeping pills, huh?
But you're gonna have to wake up eventually.
I can give you some Klonopin,
or whatever expired off-brand shit version they have here,
and, uh, you know, you'll feel good and numb for a while,
but then you'll spill a glass of water or trip on your shoelace,
find yourself weeping for four hours, no idea why.
I mean, uh, I could give you some Dilaudid.
Nah, you're gonna get addicted to heroin,
get sent down to Max for doing some stupid junkie shit,
find yourself sucking off a CO in a closet for one last hit,
and, you know, maybe realize that you were just hopelessly in love
with an incredible, insane, beautiful woman
who's never going to love you back.
It is just not worth it.
Uh, I'm sorry, um...
my notes have you with a herpes outbreak.
That's a drag. They have you on the daily Valtrex, huh?
Excuse me!
Hey!
Excuse me!
Everyone!
- Hey! - Hello!
Thank you.
Now all you bitches quiet down
so my Muslim friend here can talk a little bit.
Um... yeah.
So we been talking,
and we have a plan we'd like to run by all of you
concerning the demands.
Who put you in charge?
Why should we listen to some dark bitch in a headdress?
That ain't a headdress, Nazi.
I'm not a Nazi. She's a Nazi.
Everybody shut the fuck up.
The thing is... we got hostages.
So that means we get to make demands.
Now, we can do this two ways.
One, like a bunch of animals, like how they treat us.
Or two, like civilized human beings.
Like how we want them to treat us.
She's right.
Even if we really all split and hatin' on each other,
they can't know that or we lose all our power.
If we wanna turn this place right, we have to speak as one united group.
Exactly.
The way we see it, this is our one chance to make this fucking hellhole
slightly less hellhole-ish.
- So, uh, dream big, ladies. - Let's do it.
No idea is a bad idea.
No more guard fingers up my asshole.
Really uncomfortable to me.
No more random cavity searches. Yes!
Free tampons.
The good kind! The one with the plastic shooter that goes in you.
Keep going. Better education. Access to competent lawyers.
And, uh, and regular doctors' visits with actual doctors.
Amnesty.
For all of us.
The first thing we gotta ask for is no extra time.
And nobody goes to Max for being part of this whole thing.
It'll be Hundred Flowers all over again.
Aw, I'd love a hundred flowers.
In, like, some window boxes or something?
Ice cream sundae bar.
Latin class.
What?
Pizza for lunch every day.
How about the moon? Why not just ask for the moon?
I know. A antigravity chamber.
We could float around and do flips and stuff.
Like astronauts.
Okay, forget what I said.
Some ideas are bad ideas.
How about some Hot Cheetos?
What about Takis? Takis!
Hey, Al...
I think she's wearing my sweatshirt.
Another life. Let it go.
If you could have anything in the world, what would you have?
Vaginal orgasms.
I hear it's a thing.
What about you, Jackie O? Any demands?
I'd like my girlfriend back.
Atta girl. Speak the truth.
I mean, why can't they let us have cell phones all the time?
Because it zaps your brain.
Look at this one.
New guards is what we need.
No more of these nasty fucks.
Oh, look at this lady who dressed her cat in a freaking bathing suit.
Oh, what about only lady guards?
Oh, my God, no.
No. Women can be so mean to each other.
I mean, except for you, I'm really mean to women.
- Right. - That's true.
Evening, everyone. How is your riot going so far?
I'd give it about a six out of ten. I think it's a little, uh, tame, frankly.
Right? I was expecting more fireworks.
Oh, there's still time for fireworks.
This is Von Barlow.
She floated down a river in a basket, and now she's ours.
I like how calm it is in here.
I think everything is gonna be okay.
You know, a little water and some honey...
that's gonna tame that frizz, okay?
- You want me to show you later? - Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah? Okay. There you go.
Girls, I'm so happy to see you.
We're really onto something with the big homo.
"Big homo"?
Yes, there are a lot of us around here.
Not girl homo.
I'm sorry, are you starting a gay witch hunt right now?
No. Weren't you listening?
Boy homos only.
Piscatella.
Yeah, he's awful.
Homos can also be assholes.
But why are we hung up on the homo thing?
You're all bullshitting around,
making demands no one's ever going to listen to.
I'm the only one doing the real work around here.
Who's this?
Uh, some sort of coin locker baby.
Red, what is going on with you? You okay?
You don't look so good.
Wanna take a nap, maybe?
Forget it.
You'll be thanking me when we bust this thing open.
I have to go feed the eyebrow now.
We need fuel.
This was supposed to have chunks of real carrot in it.
And in the picture there was a sprig of parsley in the bowl.
I bet they never serve this with parsley, do they?
- No. - These are substandard conditions.
We need better food. Better quality uniforms.
This is a Tier Two facility.
Whatever they're paying for this crap, they're getting ripped off.
You sing it, sister.
Thank you.
She was my big sister.
I learned everything from her.
Didn't anyone notice how intoxicated she was?
The last time I saw her, she was having fun.
Happy.
What time was that?
Around 10:00, I think. Maybe later.
All right. That can't be long before she went outside.
Were you the last person she talked to?
I couldn't say, Officer.
Did you notice she was gone?
I noticed that her drinking had gotten worse,
what with the stress of finals and her breakup with Todd and all,
but I didn't think it had gotten this bad.
Come to think of it,
she did have a bit of an outburst before the party last night.
Maybe she was on something.
Cocaine, maybe?
Or something worse.
Gosh, maybe this was all a cry for help.
She did seem awfully... depressed.
I hope it wasn't... intentional.
Oh, my God, I can't even believe I'm saying this.
She was my big sister.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
"Her name was Poussey Washington."
"She was kind and loyal, smart..."
She was murdered.
CO Bayley murdered her.
She was murdered.
CO Bayley murdered her.
And we want justice.
So you want us to arrest you?
For murder?
Yes, sirs.
I'm a bad man. Did... did bad things.
You know, like I... I told you.
Mr. Caputo says it... it makes a monster.
Harold, do you have any idea what this kid's trying to confess?
Probably another one of these poor fuckers with PTSD,
wanting penance for Iraq.
Or he's been sniffing bath salts all night.
Look at his hands.
Listen, pal, we're gonna let you sleep it off,
and then we can talk about all the bad stuff you say you did...
tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow... tomorrow. No.
No... no tomorrow. Bax today.
Bad monster.
Ple... Please. Just... Today.
Oh, God.
Oh, thank Christ.
Please help me.
Oh. Oh, you girls gotta help me.
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Aw. Sure thing, Mrs. King.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Those lying cunts.
See, all we gotta do is, we gotta light a fire, right?
And then, when they open the door to let us out, we... we pounce.
And what makes you think they'd let us out?
Burning is an ugly way to go.
It'd be better in here 'cause at least we'd suffocate.
You should see it out... outside in a field.
The smell is one thing, but the way the body expels fluids...
Yeah, okay, cool. So... so not that.
Any of you seen Black Mama White Mama?
It starts exactly like this.
They're all chained together,
and they have to escape these lesbian prison guards.
Then they end up in the Filipino jungle, though.
I don't know.
Oh, what about, uh, Caged Heat?
Anybody seen that?
They escape in that one, too.
Almost.
The, uh, warden tortures them with his brain zapper.
All right. Never mind.
If we can get them to open the door...
maybe we can strangle them with that cord.
Oh, hey. Fuck, wait.
Hey, there's this scene in The Big Bust-Out 5...
I'm a fan of the chicks behind bars genre.
Don't fucking judge me, okay?
There're worse things, like fucking Titanic.
You seen that piece of shit?
Fucking Leonardo DiCaprio is a character actor.
He is not a leading man.
And he looks like a little boy.
Anyway, in The Big Bust-Out 5,
there's this super hot noire named Sapphire, huh?
And, uh, she gets the guards
to open up the door for her by asking for dinner.
And when they do, she's so grateful,
she lets 'em spit roast her right in the cafeteria.
So we get them to bring us dinner.
Please. We need food and water.
It's only been a few hours.
Tell Backstreet Boy to take his purple shorts off, then maybe we'll talk.
Hey, hey, hey. Rest easy.
Muscles is here.
What "muscle"? You're like a baby Chihuahua.
Oh, make no mistake.
My little buddy, Sparky, here, may look no bigger than Madonna's bicep,
however I'd still bet on her to win the fight.
When'd you fight Madonna?
The point is that some people got muscles for show
and some people got muscles for go. I got 'em for go.
I don't buy it.
Well, it all depends how you are under pressure.
Sometimes when people get real riled up, they develop superhuman strength.
Happened to me once.
Oh, please tell.
- Well, there was this couple... - Ricky and Ricky's wife.
And they had the nicest trailer down there by the lake,
and they had the best meth ever.
Anyway, I was out there, right?
I was waitin', and Jo Jo comes out, the baby,
and he's crawlin' down the street.
I think he was, like, lookin' for his, like, pet guinea pig,
or, like, the cigarette that he must have dropped.
Anyway, this car comes zoomin' up,
runs over his arm and just landed right on him.
- Oh. - It's a shame.
He was really smart, and he had this
bright future in the meth makin' business.
Like, next-level prodigy, you know?
So, to get to the point, you were able to lift the car off the methlete?
Yup.
Mmm. I saved his life.
But then he went and he shot Ricky's wife
with the damn assault rifle underneath the bed.
- No. - Yeah.
And so I think he's in, like, protective custody.
It's just, like, a really sad story, to me,
because he had a lot of potential. You know?
I need to eat something, or I'm gonna go into shock.
You need to keep us alive, remember?
People can go two months with no food.
My crack-ass sister's still alive.
On the other hand,
forcing them to eat the swill we've had to eat
is its own special punishment. Don't you think?
I ain't takin' 'em out when they get the shits.
I'll bring another bucket from the cafeteria.
Hey, biceps, coming along?
- Nah. I got a phone call to make. - Ooh.
Yo, Barney-butt!
Yeah, you!
We gonna feed you a meal, baby.
So eat.
Hello, ladies.
Well, who is this fine specimen?
Amelia Von Barlow.
Pleasure to meet you, Miss Von Barlow.
We're all writing our demands.
Is there anything you'd like to put in the box?
Do I have any demands for your box?
Yeah, I can think of a few.
Canali, huh?
Yeah.
Not bad.
Though, for tailoring, I do prefer Zegna. Nicer lines.
Oh, shit. You hear that, Boo?
Looks like the new girl doesn't respect your lines.
Well...
I certainly admire hers.
All right. Who wants to help me carry
a couple of buckets of poop Wellington down to the prisoners?
I'll help.
Great. After you, my lady.
Is it possible Boo's gonna be her bitch?
Listen up, beeyotches.
I know it's been a rough couple of days,
but we cannot let this tragedy slow us down.
I'm looking around the room, and I'm seeing a lot of tragic faces.
Limp hair.
Ashy skin.
Stacey, are you wearing fucking sweatpants?
I mean, we're Alphas.
We don't curl up and cry. We go out. We party.
We are the fucking party.
So remember that next time you're dragging your asses around campus
feeling sorry for yourself.
Get some waterproof fucking mascara,
stand tall, and represent the sisterhood with pride.
We owe it to each other, and we owe it to Meggs.
Because she would have wanted us to lift our spirits.
And our glasses.
So this one's for Meggan.
All for one and one for Alpha!
Oh, son of a bitch.
Oh, crap.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. This is a sacred area.
It is not for your dinners. Not for your footsteps.
Not even for your shadows.
Sacred!
You hear me?
As in, "not desecrated."
Yeah.
Thank you.
Mmm. Look at that.
Oh.
Whoa!
That is one formidable cock.
Hearing you say "formidable cock" is such a turnoff that, honestly,
I might never get wet again.
Holy fucking shit.
You know what this means?
Von Barlow is Caputo's girlfriend?
And the owner of the formidable cock.
Ew!
Flac. Flac.
Psst. Flac.
Flac.
What the fuck, bro?
Hey, Taystee, you wanna check our work?
I trust you.
You want some Funyuns or something?
Oh, Juicy Fruit!
- I got Juicy Fruit, y'all! - Just read the tally.
Okay, number one is, "Fire the guards."
That got the most votes by far.
Fuck, yeah, it did.
Number two, "Reinstate the GED program."
Uh-uh. Hold up.
What about Bayley? He's not one or two?
Nine.
Between "Internet" and "Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the commissary."
No Takis?
Man, you gotta have both of 'em.
♪ Hot Cheetos and Takis Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪
♪ You can catch me and my crew Eating Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪
Fine. Hot Cheetos and Takis.
So you mean to tell me "Arrest Bayley" is second from the bottom of our list?
That's democracy.
Well, democracy is bullshit.
They're probably keeping her in one of these fancy offices.
We're gonna find her surrounded by nubile boys
fanning her with palm fronds and rubbing her feet.
What's going on here?
What are you doing?
Don't even start to lecture me, hippie.
My grammy smoked every day of her life and lived to 97.
It's about genetics.
I don't care how you choose to poison your body.
We're all supposed to be inside.
That's why the doors were locked.
Why? It's not like anyone's coming in the back.
We got hostages.
The gates are locked. There's barbed wire.
Why shouldn't we enjoy some fresh air?
Everyone's by the front holding their dicks.
Smoking's cool.
Hey, is that...
What an idiot.
It's Judy King!
- We got a runner. - Yes!
What y'all waitin' for?
We might have called Domino's.
Wait, how are they gonna get it in? The door's locked.
Maybe we break a window, and he can feed it in one slice at a time.
Oh... Oh! Did Hot Cheetos make it on?
We put it in 27 times.
Get the fuck outta here.
So stupid.
Bitches, man.
Get out!
Dumb-ass white bitches!
Stupid.
Yo, read it all one more time.
"To whom it may concern."
We, the inmates of Litchfield, are human beings.
We are protesting the abusive conditions under which we are being held.
In hopes of a peaceful resolution, we set forth the following demands:
Number one,
replace all current guards with properly-trained ones.
Two, reinstate the GED program.
Three, better health care.
Four, conjugal visits.
Five, amnesty for all involved in this riot,
provided that there are no casualties.
Six, an end to arbitrary
and degrading searches and the use of solitary confinement.
Seven...
more work opportunities, a fair wage, and equal treatment of prisoners,
regardless of their race, status or celebrity.
Eight, Internet access.
Nine, CO Bayley is to be arrested
and tried for the death of Poussey Washington.
Ten, Hot Cheetos and Takis in commissary.
Free tampons. And more nutritious foods.
Fresh vegetables. Real meat. Whole grains.
Here they come. Get ready.
- You can let me go first. - Let me go first.
Oh, I guess...
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