1 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,169 I've never seen it this long. 2 00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:27,588 This is worse than Disneyland. 3 00:01:27,672 --> 00:01:28,923 You've been to Disneyland? 4 00:01:29,007 --> 00:01:32,551 Uh, we go to this off-brand version outside of Worcester. 5 00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:36,014 For years, I thought his name was Milton Mouse. 6 00:01:37,015 --> 00:01:38,808 - That's fucked up. 7 00:01:38,892 --> 00:01:41,519 And Snow White had a lot of mud in her snow, 8 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:42,812 if you know what I mean. 9 00:01:42,896 --> 00:01:45,148 What's that supposed to mean, you're out of maxi pads? 10 00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:49,068 It means there's 100 new inmates, but the same budget for inessentials. 11 00:01:49,903 --> 00:01:51,195 You hear that? 12 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:54,658 My baby box is inessential. 13 00:01:54,741 --> 00:01:55,825 No way. 14 00:01:55,909 --> 00:01:58,077 You can buy tampons at commissary. 15 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:02,123 For ten bucks a box. 16 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,876 We make ten cents an hour. 17 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:09,839 Wait. What're we supposed to do? Use toilet paper? 18 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:14,260 I got enough tampons for this time, if I only use one a day. 19 00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:16,512 Yeah, let me know how that works out. 20 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,848 One time, I ran outta tampons, 21 00:02:18,932 --> 00:02:23,019 so I used one of those, um, dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids. 22 00:02:23,102 --> 00:02:24,228 It was really fun. 23 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,479 --'Cause it was like, 24 00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,774 "Ooh, I wonder what this will be? 25 00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:30,944 - Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!" - Surprise. 26 00:02:31,027 --> 00:02:34,155 -Covered in baby blood! -There ain't no Brontosaurus Rex. 27 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,867 -What? -It's Brontosaurus. Period. 28 00:02:37,951 --> 00:02:40,244 Though now they're saying it's Apatosaurus. 29 00:02:40,787 --> 00:02:42,706 My five-year-old's crazy for that shit. 30 00:02:42,789 --> 00:02:44,666 Hello. We are all in line here. 31 00:02:44,749 --> 00:02:46,334 -So, you need to get to the back-- -What're you-- 32 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,211 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 33 00:02:48,294 --> 00:02:49,420 --Hey! 34 00:02:53,925 --> 00:02:55,844 Respect the fucking line. 35 00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:59,097 Just like fake Disneyland. 36 00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:02,600 And then, you'll meet Jenny Stark. 37 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,686 She's basically me, but at Corrections Corporation and Management. 38 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:08,189 One year, we switched nametags, 39 00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:09,774 and for the entire panel discussion 40 00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:13,486 I was Jenny from CCM and she was Linda from MCC. 41 00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:14,738 It was bananas. 42 00:03:14,821 --> 00:03:16,781 --You go every year? 43 00:03:16,865 --> 00:03:18,783 It's worth it for the swag alone. 44 00:03:18,867 --> 00:03:20,785 One year, we got these little toy jail cells 45 00:03:20,869 --> 00:03:22,787 for you to put your candy in when you're on a diet. 46 00:03:22,871 --> 00:03:24,122 - And then... Yeah. 47 00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:26,457 Another year we got these Nerf-style guard batons. 48 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,335 And so, anytime anyone said something stupid at a staff meeting, 49 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:30,920 we would just whale on them. 50 00:03:31,504 --> 00:03:33,547 Until the incident with Greg's eye, but... 51 00:03:35,842 --> 00:03:37,468 Ah... 52 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,554 -Shit! It's my assistant. -Oh. 53 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,474 What, Jefferson? 54 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,894 Top of the morning to you, Mr. C... 55 00:03:45,977 --> 00:03:47,603 again. 56 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:51,900 I forgot to ask if you wanted the files done by last name or prisoner number. 57 00:03:51,983 --> 00:03:53,943 Last name. Listen, Jefferson, 58 00:03:54,027 --> 00:03:56,612 I'm gonna be in this conference pretty much 24/7. 59 00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:57,989 It's very immersive. 60 00:03:58,072 --> 00:04:01,450 I'm not gonna be able to answer every little thing. 61 00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:04,620 Got it. I will hold down the fort while you're gone. 62 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,373 No. Do not hold anything down. 63 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,168 I am not giving you power over anything or anyone. 64 00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:12,670 - All you are doing is files. 65 00:04:12,754 --> 00:04:14,588 You'll do those until I get back. 66 00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:17,383 And if by some miracle you finish before I get back, 67 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,177 sit... quietly. 68 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,387 Copy that. 69 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:23,139 That's a thing people say, right? 70 00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:24,265 No. 71 00:04:26,976 --> 00:04:28,394 Assistants... 72 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,355 they waste more time than they save. 73 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,357 You'll get the hang of delegation. 74 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,527 Just make sure that you fire them every three months or so. 75 00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:38,404 Even if they're good? 76 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:41,490 Especially if they're good. I've been through 29. 77 00:04:41,574 --> 00:04:43,659 You don't want them getting too essential. 78 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,954 I'm not sure that's the worry here. 79 00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,659 -How long has this been up? -Only a few hours, sir. 80 00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,246 A few hours? 81 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:29,831 Yeah, no. We're... 82 00:05:29,914 --> 00:05:32,458 looking for the right shade of beige to cover it up. 83 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,168 You know, gotta match the rest of the wall. 84 00:05:34,252 --> 00:05:35,336 We're not house flipping. 85 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,130 The inmates see graffiti, 86 00:05:37,213 --> 00:05:40,549 they think it's okay to vandalize, litter, destroy property. 87 00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:42,969 Oh, yeah, the broken windows theory? 88 00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:45,179 Rudy Giuliani? I mean, wasn't that disproven? 89 00:05:45,263 --> 00:05:47,681 That man is a hero, 90 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,268 and history will acknowledge that. 91 00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:51,685 Okay. 92 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:54,813 We're upping you to a pair a day, because we know that you can handle it. 93 00:05:54,898 --> 00:05:56,315 You lost more girls, huh? 94 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:57,816 Ah, trimming some of the fat is all. 95 00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,693 We can always find new panty cattle. 96 00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:02,071 Your real problem is the Spanish. They got momentum. 97 00:06:02,155 --> 00:06:04,032 -You got to deal-- -Shh! 98 00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:09,120 ...now! This is exactly the sort of thing 99 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,581 that escalates to drugs, and violence, and gangs. 100 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,584 Hey! Hey! 101 00:06:17,128 --> 00:06:18,462 Case in point. 102 00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,089 Hey, hey! 103 00:06:20,173 --> 00:06:21,632 --Knock it off! 104 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,551 Oh! Bitch! 105 00:06:25,303 --> 00:06:27,763 Fuck these night shifts in the ass. 106 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,141 -Aw, past your bedtime? -Didn't say that. 107 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,643 After-party at my place again, people. 108 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,103 -Chez Humps! -I'm there. 109 00:06:34,187 --> 00:06:37,148 -Me, three. -Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 a.m. 110 00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,567 Yo, hook up Donuts here with a Fallujah Omelet. 111 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:40,818 Maybe that'll untwist his dick. 112 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,279 --What's a Fallujah Omelet? 113 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,614 --It's a Jäger shot and a raw egg. 114 00:06:45,698 --> 00:06:46,950 It's the breakfast of champions. 115 00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:48,617 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 116 00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:49,953 Come on, man. It's pure protein. 117 00:06:50,036 --> 00:06:52,330 Yeah, I gotta stay and watch her. So... 118 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:53,414 Oh, I see. 119 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,541 You're gonna dip your donut in Ramos here. 120 00:06:58,377 --> 00:07:00,921 Some people like their breakfast sweet, not savory. 121 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:05,009 You know what gets me so hot? 122 00:07:05,093 --> 00:07:07,095 Is when guys compare me to breakfast, 123 00:07:07,178 --> 00:07:09,472 and when they talk about me like I'm not even here. 124 00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:14,643 How about you call me "that oatmeal in the front seat" 125 00:07:14,727 --> 00:07:16,520 and I'll be so yours? 126 00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:20,274 Dude, she totally stepped on your balls. 127 00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:22,193 --Shut up, Blake. 128 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,361 Shut the fuck up. 129 00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:41,462 Pretty! 130 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589 - Happy Friday, ladies. 131 00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:45,967 I'll be back to check on you soon, okay? 132 00:08:13,286 --> 00:08:15,371 Be careful. Karma's a bitch. 133 00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:17,623 Who's Karma? That new girl? 134 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,473 One more round for the thirsty gentle-- 135 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,517 --You okay? 136 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,144 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 137 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,978 My boss is gonna kill me! 138 00:08:40,063 --> 00:08:42,106 Hey, it's just potato juice, right? 139 00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:43,524 No, you don't understand. 140 00:08:44,192 --> 00:08:45,359 He'll take it out of my paycheck. 141 00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:48,362 And I have a little baby to support, and my mom... 142 00:08:48,446 --> 00:08:51,032 she can't work on account of oldness. 143 00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:53,034 -I'm sorry-- -Come on, don't cry. 144 00:08:53,117 --> 00:08:54,118 Okay. 145 00:08:54,202 --> 00:08:55,953 Dudes, don't waste it. 146 00:08:56,037 --> 00:08:57,788 Get off the floor, man. 147 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,623 Like, ten kinds of AIDS down there. 148 00:09:00,291 --> 00:09:03,336 Don't cry. We'll pitch in for it, right, guys? 149 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:10,259 -Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. -Sure. 150 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,512 Here. 151 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,692 What, you pull that shit every night? 152 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:30,988 It's 300 bucks. That's not bad for a janky-ass short con. 153 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,324 I don't know what you're talking about. 154 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,575 You know, your boss is a friend of mine. 155 00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,369 You want me to go stick his nose in that puddle back there? 156 00:09:36,452 --> 00:09:37,578 No, please, don't tell him. 157 00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,163 You're not bad for an amateur. 158 00:09:39,247 --> 00:09:41,249 I mean, of course, the face helps. 159 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,542 Please, I have a little baby. 160 00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:44,960 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -And if I let you see-- 161 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,130 We gotta get you off the pity angle. 162 00:09:47,213 --> 00:09:49,548 Go straight for the dick. 163 00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:50,841 It's the better play. 164 00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:56,597 So, come on, what do you pull in a good year? 165 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:57,806 Fifty thousand. 166 00:09:57,890 --> 00:09:59,933 What if I said you could make that in an hour? 167 00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,895 Um, I'm not a prostitute. 168 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:06,064 Not even if the guy is kinda hot in a mean-dad way. 169 00:10:10,403 --> 00:10:11,945 What did you say your name was? 170 00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:16,867 Yessica. It's like "Jessica," but ethnic. 171 00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:24,417 Normally, I'm not an ear girl, 172 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:27,378 but when Vinnie told me 173 00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:30,047 that he was putting a tongue saber in there, 174 00:10:30,131 --> 00:10:32,758 and he said he was swishing it around, 175 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,178 my chair was like a wading pool. 176 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,431 I mean, don't get me wrong. 177 00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:41,225 The first time you have word-sex, it's nice. 178 00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:44,603 -Mmm-hmm. -But, it's just so much better 179 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,315 when you really know somebody. 180 00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:49,233 So, you feel like you really know him. 181 00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:51,026 Sure, I do. 182 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:55,698 My mom always said she knew my dad wanted sex 183 00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:58,617 when he didn't ask for seconds at dinner. 184 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:02,205 And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex 185 00:11:02,288 --> 00:11:04,707 when she got me and my sister Blockbuster videos. 186 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,296 I always wanted to know someone that well. 187 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,841 Yeah... 188 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,343 me, too. 189 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:23,058 So, your parents would talk to you about sex? 190 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,310 Mine would never. 191 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,061 Oh, yeah. 192 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:29,147 The birds, and the trees, and the bees... 193 00:11:29,232 --> 00:11:30,983 and the knees. 194 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:34,653 I'm not sure they told you that right. 195 00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,575 - Christ on a cracker! - What is it? 196 00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:44,288 The Shower Pooper strikes again. 197 00:11:44,372 --> 00:11:46,415 Ugh, this has happened before? 198 00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,083 Two or three times. 199 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,419 How do you know it's the same person? 200 00:11:50,503 --> 00:11:53,964 - Heft, density, hue. 201 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,300 It's as personal as a signature, if you think about it. 202 00:11:56,384 --> 00:11:58,469 You know, that reminds me, 203 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,805 there was this guy in my high school who knew how to sign his name in-- 204 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,057 No, no, no, no, no, please, Suzanne. 205 00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:06,101 It is too early for that. 206 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,479 We need to catch this person before she strikes again. 207 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,148 I do not even know where to start. 208 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:17,946 Oh, one starts by following every angle, examining every clue. 209 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:22,410 By seeing patterns of behavior where no one else can see. 210 00:12:22,493 --> 00:12:24,453 Until finally... 211 00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:26,497 you catch the pooper 212 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:31,502 in a trap of her own making. 213 00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,045 You mean... 214 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,839 like detectives? 215 00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:41,970 Now, the keynote address by Kip Carnigan 216 00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:44,222 will begin at 3:00 p.m. in the Laurel room. 217 00:12:44,307 --> 00:12:47,393 -No pre-registration... -All right, you two are all set. 218 00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:48,602 - Thank you. - Mmm. 219 00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:51,021 - Hey, thanks. - Have fun in there. 220 00:12:56,068 --> 00:12:57,403 Whoa. 221 00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:59,112 What are these supposed to be for? 222 00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:00,739 Promotional purposes. 223 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:19,633 Our prize-winning system can detect and pinpoint 224 00:13:19,717 --> 00:13:22,720 any cell phone within a two-mile radius. 225 00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:33,439 Linda. 226 00:13:34,482 --> 00:13:36,567 Saw you're on a panel, you rock star. 227 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:39,570 Oh, Russ. It's just a panel, not a breakout session. 228 00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,739 Still. It's huge. 229 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,491 So what's the hot booth this year? 230 00:13:43,574 --> 00:13:45,368 Laser guns. 231 00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:47,285 But the wait is epic. 232 00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:49,413 Catch you two on the other side. 233 00:13:49,497 --> 00:13:52,290 We at R and R Ministries could not be more proud 234 00:13:52,375 --> 00:13:55,210 of our faith-based rehabilitation program, 235 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,546 utilizing New Testament stories 236 00:13:57,630 --> 00:14:01,717 to help inmates establish a firm moral foundation. 237 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,512 Oh, right. Because we should treat them like Sunday schoolers, 238 00:14:04,595 --> 00:14:06,179 not dangerous criminals. 239 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:09,224 Our fences are made from a state-of-the-art titanium alloy, 240 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:14,813 which is fireproof, plier-proof, tamperproof, foolproof. 241 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:17,107 -We could really use some of this stuff. -Ooh. 242 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,942 Not on MCC's budget. 243 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:24,114 Think of this less as a shopping trip and more of a brainstorming sesh. 244 00:14:26,659 --> 00:14:28,035 I have enough of that in my life. 245 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,871 It's just for fun, silly. I think it's ice cream. 246 00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:34,207 It's time to enter the 21st century, people. 247 00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:38,211 The old-fashioned maxi pad can be a budget-killer. 248 00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:42,883 These durable, reusable plastic menstruation capture cups 249 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,720 are a one-time expenditure for your women's facility. 250 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:48,847 And this is safe? 251 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,098 Missed me. 252 00:14:50,182 --> 00:14:52,309 Oh, it is 100% non-deadly. 253 00:14:52,393 --> 00:14:54,603 Right now, the laser's on setting two, 254 00:14:54,687 --> 00:14:57,523 your basic sunburn-level discomfort. 255 00:14:57,606 --> 00:15:02,778 Dial that bad boy up to ten... we're talking third-degree burns. 256 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,489 Andale, Andale! Speedy-- Ow! 257 00:15:06,824 --> 00:15:08,576 Just a little sting. 258 00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:10,327 Nothing I can't-- 259 00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:15,999 Nice shooting, Tex. 260 00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:21,338 Well, well. 261 00:15:21,422 --> 00:15:23,381 Wouldn't wanna run into you in the prison yard. 262 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,634 Kip Carnigan. 263 00:15:25,718 --> 00:15:27,970 They couldn't find anybody else to give the keynote this year? 264 00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,137 Gandhi, maybe? 265 00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:31,890 Oh, I heard they approached him, but his corpse was booked solid. 266 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:32,975 --Who's your friend? 267 00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:35,393 This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield. 268 00:15:35,478 --> 00:15:37,312 He is the dark horse to be the next you. 269 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,775 -Good luck with that. -Thank you, future me. 270 00:15:43,569 --> 00:15:45,362 You're a lucky man. 271 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:46,905 Oh, we're not... 272 00:15:46,989 --> 00:15:49,450 Oh, my God, was that okay? 273 00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:51,577 Did I sound normal? Was that like... 274 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,954 Sure. What's the big deal? 275 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,373 That's Kip Carnigan, he used to be the warden over at Sitwell 276 00:15:56,457 --> 00:15:57,750 and now he is, like... 277 00:15:57,833 --> 00:16:00,002 the face of corrections in America. 278 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:02,337 Oh, wow. 279 00:16:04,757 --> 00:16:06,967 Okay... warden. 280 00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:19,021 Jefferson. 281 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:22,024 Who does the purchase orders for maxi pads and so forth? 282 00:16:22,775 --> 00:16:24,693 Hmm. Uh... 283 00:16:24,777 --> 00:16:28,363 you might want to talk to the VP of Purchasing for that. 284 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:31,033 Linda... something. 285 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:32,701 Are you supposed to be on that? 286 00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:36,288 Mr. Caputo wants me to make sure all his files are in order. 287 00:17:02,690 --> 00:17:05,400 Ooh! That's what I'm talking about! 288 00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:10,614 I'm the boss of this bitch! 289 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,541 Psst. 290 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:21,875 I swear, 291 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:25,337 you get busted with that thing and none of us ever met you. 292 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,547 It's self-defense. 293 00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:28,506 That poi snorter stole our inventory. 294 00:17:28,591 --> 00:17:30,383 Inventory's not the problem. 295 00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:34,512 We got two weeks of ripe fruit ready to sell. 296 00:17:34,597 --> 00:17:38,809 And my stupid cousin Alonso is gonna do the selling. 297 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:41,604 Our problem is getting everything out. 298 00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:43,731 I don't know how fucking Chapman does it. 299 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:46,734 Probably, she uses her sexuality? 300 00:17:47,943 --> 00:17:50,403 Why can't we use our sexuality? 301 00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:51,488 'Cause we better than that. 302 00:17:51,572 --> 00:17:53,741 Can't we just throw 'em over the fence? It ain't that high. 303 00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:56,243 They got guards up there with guns and shit. 304 00:17:56,952 --> 00:17:59,622 Plus, people saying they watching us with drones now. 305 00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:02,666 What if we build our own drone that works for us? 306 00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:05,168 Um... anybody else? 307 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:09,047 Or we could dig a tunnel, like we're El Chapo or in the movies. 308 00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:10,633 Guys, I got an idea. 309 00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:13,385 Or we could knock out a guard and take his uniform, like in the movies. 310 00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:17,014 Okay, anybody got any non-movie, non-El Chapo ideas? 311 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:20,768 Maritza's got an idea, or she's drying out her armpits. 312 00:18:20,851 --> 00:18:23,646 Seriously, guys? I have a van. 313 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:33,446 See, the hot girls stand out front to draw people in. 314 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:35,115 She's not that hot. 315 00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:36,825 You should put your hair up like hers, Jessica. 316 00:18:36,909 --> 00:18:38,160 You have to blend in. 317 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:41,705 Did you know a ponytail is like a natural facelift? 318 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,875 So, what's the first thing you do? 319 00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:47,294 -I find my mark. -Good. 320 00:18:47,795 --> 00:18:49,212 Will his name be Mark? 321 00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:52,883 Kidding! 322 00:18:56,053 --> 00:18:57,930 Pick a rich guy, obviously. 323 00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,057 Old and rich, if possible. 324 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,350 You're looking for a guy who's too ugly to have you as a girlfriend, 325 00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:03,476 if he didn't have any money. 326 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,478 Aw, that's so sweet. 327 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,106 Wait. Catch this. 328 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:12,277 "Hmm. Hey, baby. Do you come with the car?" 329 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,030 "Tee-hee. I've totally never heard that joke before." 330 00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:19,492 Whoa, she's giving him the head toss. 331 00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:21,829 That's like two clicks away from a blowie. 332 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,750 "Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy." 333 00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,961 All right. So, now you have your mark, what do you do next? 334 00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:31,629 Take his ID to the desk and get the keys. 335 00:19:31,714 --> 00:19:34,257 Only now, instead of Judy Salesgirl, you're Mrs. Mark, 336 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,885 and you want to take a test drive with your husband. 337 00:19:36,969 --> 00:19:40,472 You leave his ID, you take the keys and you walk the mark to the car. 338 00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:44,184 If I forget to tell you guys later, I'm having a really good time. 339 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,394 All right. Now, you take your mark on his test drive, 340 00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,689 drop him off in front of the dealership after, 341 00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:51,524 and bam, you drive off into the sunset. Any questions? 342 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:55,403 What if the mark's name happens to be Mark? 343 00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,033 Oh, my God! Kidding! 344 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,709 Man, this shit better be on fleek for ten bucks a box. 345 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,088 Hey, you mind loaning me one of those? 346 00:20:14,715 --> 00:20:17,009 You gonna give it back after? 347 00:20:17,092 --> 00:20:19,887 Some of us can't afford to feel the mountain mist. 348 00:20:19,970 --> 00:20:25,017 Well, you know, some of us is chosen and some of us ain't. 349 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:29,437 Like, first, we was chosen by little white dude with the sneakers 350 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,189 to sew panties for Whispers. 351 00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:34,401 Then, we was chosen by HaShem hisself 352 00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:37,905 to eat tasty broccoli and keep his covenant. 353 00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:40,615 Hmm? Hmm, hmm? 354 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:44,536 I know there's something in that covenant about generosity. 355 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,166 Oh, wait, wait, um, it's coming to me now. 356 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:52,252 "If there are poor among you, 357 00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:57,049 do not be selfish or greedy towards them." 358 00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:59,217 Uh, I think that's a Christian thing. 359 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,012 It's the same damn book. 360 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,682 We just got different prophets is all. 361 00:21:06,183 --> 00:21:09,519 Or I guess you're still waiting for yours to show up. 362 00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,315 Well, you ain't acting like somebody who wants something from me. 363 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,525 - Purchasing. - What department? 364 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,360 Purchasing! 365 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:20,113 - What department? - Human being. 366 00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:22,199 Let me speak to a human. 367 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,034 I'm a human. 368 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,285 If you'd like to connect to... 369 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619 Come in. 370 00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:29,706 You got voicemail trouble? 371 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,835 Uh, typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot. 372 00:21:32,918 --> 00:21:34,752 This is why I don't wear a suit. 373 00:21:34,837 --> 00:21:37,047 This... and my quads are too big. 374 00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:40,217 Uh, don't... wait. Hey. Don't close that. 375 00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:41,593 Sorry. 376 00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,932 I'm Piper Chapman. I don't mean to alarm you. 377 00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:49,434 I never come to the administration like this. 378 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:52,645 But I've been in Litchfield for a while now... 379 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,025 and I have started to feel unsafe lately. 380 00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,610 Scared even. 381 00:21:58,693 --> 00:22:00,988 The prison is changing somehow. 382 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:05,367 -Graffiti on the walls-- -I'm aware. 383 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:09,329 And I just wanted to make sure you knew about... 384 00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:14,751 let's say, a cluster of girls that I've noticed. 385 00:22:14,835 --> 00:22:16,461 Do they gather in groups of four or more? 386 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:20,215 Oh, yeah. They gather. They are pretty much always gathering. 387 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:24,719 Have you seen them flashing hand signals or wearing the same colors? 388 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:28,140 I think I've seen a bunch of them wearing red slipper socks. 389 00:22:29,892 --> 00:22:31,977 And I'm not exactly sure that this is relevant, 390 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:33,979 but just so you have all the information, 391 00:22:34,062 --> 00:22:35,730 these girls... 392 00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,151 share a certain heritage, 393 00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:41,653 a certain noble heritage, 394 00:22:41,736 --> 00:22:44,531 dating all the way back to ancient Mayan civilization. 395 00:22:44,614 --> 00:22:47,117 The Latinas. Got it. 396 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,868 Well, I wasn't gonna say anything. 397 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,370 Chapman... 398 00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:56,126 what you're describing is a prison gang in its infancy. 399 00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:57,710 That sounds serious. 400 00:22:59,004 --> 00:23:00,255 Well... 401 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:03,883 not if we can prevent them from growing 402 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,635 and getting organized. 403 00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:08,305 Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella. 404 00:23:09,764 --> 00:23:11,266 I feel safer already. 405 00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:17,730 You know what? I really love your beard. 406 00:23:17,814 --> 00:23:20,067 I've had a beard since tenth grade. 407 00:23:20,150 --> 00:23:22,402 Two beards, actually. 408 00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:25,738 The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom. 409 00:23:27,199 --> 00:23:28,908 Yeah. 410 00:23:28,992 --> 00:23:30,410 I like dudes. 411 00:23:32,204 --> 00:23:34,747 I will never find you adorable. 412 00:23:36,041 --> 00:23:37,875 Keep that in mind. 413 00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:48,053 When I first started out... 414 00:23:49,221 --> 00:23:51,848 I thought the best way to help an inmate 415 00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,934 was to get involved in his day-to-day problems. 416 00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:59,939 The poor guy who was transferred ten states away from his family. 417 00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:03,360 The fella who's on a downward spiral in Seg. 418 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:07,155 But what I learned is that to actually help them, 419 00:24:07,239 --> 00:24:11,368 you have to make their lives feel full. 420 00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:13,328 One time I did the math. 421 00:24:13,411 --> 00:24:17,874 I figured that, all together, the inmates on my watch 422 00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:23,463 had over 17,000 years of time on their sentences. 423 00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:26,674 Seventeen thousand years. 424 00:24:29,469 --> 00:24:32,264 That's longer than human recorded history. 425 00:24:33,931 --> 00:24:38,520 That is a hell of a lot of time to get something accomplished, 426 00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:41,398 to redeem lives. 427 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:43,525 I just got the goosies. 428 00:24:43,608 --> 00:24:46,694 If only we can stop fixating on the days, 429 00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:49,656 and start thinking about the years. 430 00:25:26,526 --> 00:25:28,611 Oh, hell, no. 431 00:25:35,285 --> 00:25:37,662 Aw, so cute. 432 00:25:42,334 --> 00:25:45,128 Maybe it's a real old person and they can't help it. 433 00:25:45,212 --> 00:25:47,505 Nah, it's not an accident. 434 00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:50,425 Plus, you gotta be able to squat to poop in a shower, 435 00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:53,553 and old people are bad at squatting. 436 00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:57,432 Maybe they're very busy, and they're multitasking. 437 00:25:57,515 --> 00:26:00,602 My sister used to brush her teeth in the shower. 438 00:26:06,524 --> 00:26:07,692 Takin' all the hot water! 439 00:26:15,117 --> 00:26:16,201 Squatter. 440 00:26:16,284 --> 00:26:18,620 - A-ha! 441 00:26:18,703 --> 00:26:19,829 Fuck off. 442 00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:21,914 -Sorry. -Nice work. 443 00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:25,252 So, here's the thing. 444 00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:28,171 I don't think the pooper's gonna poop at peak time. 445 00:26:28,255 --> 00:26:30,923 Oh, unless they're an exhibitionist pooper. 446 00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:33,426 -A poopscabitionist. -Hmm. 447 00:26:33,510 --> 00:26:34,719 Let me ask you this. 448 00:26:34,802 --> 00:26:38,140 How do they start in those detective novels? 449 00:26:38,223 --> 00:26:42,101 They gather up the usual suspects, people with criminal records. 450 00:26:42,185 --> 00:26:43,645 - Oh, criminal records, you say? - Fuck off! 451 00:26:43,728 --> 00:26:46,773 Suzanne, hey. That's everyone. 452 00:26:46,856 --> 00:26:48,275 True. 453 00:26:48,358 --> 00:26:49,984 True, true, true. 454 00:26:50,067 --> 00:26:54,406 Well, they also try to get inside of the mind of the criminal. 455 00:26:56,908 --> 00:26:59,369 Hello... Suzanne. 456 00:27:02,289 --> 00:27:03,706 Ugh... 457 00:27:05,583 --> 00:27:06,876 That's my ex. 458 00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:08,461 Oh, my goodness. She is pretty. 459 00:27:09,296 --> 00:27:11,798 She could use a little more makeup, of course. 460 00:27:11,881 --> 00:27:14,842 They make it waterproof now, so you never have to take it off. 461 00:27:14,926 --> 00:27:16,844 Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while, 462 00:27:16,928 --> 00:27:19,514 but then she started getting too clingy. 463 00:27:19,597 --> 00:27:23,560 You know, started leaving little gifts on my pillow, like daisy chains. 464 00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:29,399 You don't think that she might be leaving any other kinds of "gifts"? 465 00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:31,193 No. 466 00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:35,780 No. 467 00:27:38,575 --> 00:27:41,160 Suspect number one. 468 00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:43,288 The game is afoot. 469 00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:45,415 Attention, inmates. The updated facility rules 470 00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:48,251 and inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 471 00:27:52,505 --> 00:27:53,715 All right, get out of here. 472 00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:58,303 All right, ladies. Up against the wall. 473 00:27:58,386 --> 00:27:59,471 This is straight-up profiling. 474 00:27:59,554 --> 00:28:01,889 Oh, no, no. These are just random searches. 475 00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:04,267 -Get it out. -And what about her? 476 00:28:04,351 --> 00:28:05,393 Hands against the wall. 477 00:28:05,477 --> 00:28:06,686 -I didn't do nothing. -Shut up. 478 00:28:09,856 --> 00:28:11,233 Oh, bingo. 479 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,027 How many shots is that, Humps? 480 00:28:16,070 --> 00:28:17,864 As many as you want. 481 00:28:23,328 --> 00:28:25,580 It's just one shot for you. 482 00:28:25,663 --> 00:28:27,374 Next time bring enough for everybody. 483 00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:30,042 Hey, Humphrey, how do you know when an inmate's lying? 484 00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:32,044 -How? -She opens her mouth. 485 00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:34,631 That's funny. 486 00:28:34,714 --> 00:28:35,798 Well, hey there, Hot Pants. 487 00:28:35,882 --> 00:28:37,675 -You talking to me? -Well, that's your name, isn't it? 488 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:39,886 -Actually, it's Mendoza. -Oh, that wasn't a question. 489 00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:43,556 Better get a cavity search on that one. 490 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,558 She's gotta be hiding something in an ass that big. 491 00:28:45,642 --> 00:28:46,768 Oh, yeah? 492 00:28:48,436 --> 00:28:50,355 It helps to give 'em a compliment, now and then. 493 00:28:50,438 --> 00:28:51,439 Boosts morale. 494 00:28:51,523 --> 00:28:53,608 Don't think I'm not taking this to your superior. 495 00:28:53,691 --> 00:28:55,985 Oh, Officer Dixon answers to Officer Dixon. 496 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,862 Don't we answer to Piscatella? 497 00:28:57,945 --> 00:29:00,532 Jesus, McCullough. You are such a boner killer. 498 00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:03,743 Make sure you go deep. 499 00:29:10,333 --> 00:29:14,296 Turning Scandals into Scandal-ade." 500 00:29:14,379 --> 00:29:16,130 That sounds useful. Put a star by it. 501 00:29:16,213 --> 00:29:17,340 Yeah. 502 00:29:17,424 --> 00:29:19,551 Uh... "Prison Health Care Rights and Wrongs: 503 00:29:19,634 --> 00:29:22,345 Taking Max to the Max." 504 00:29:22,429 --> 00:29:23,680 Mmm... nah. 505 00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:28,059 The Next Gold Mine." 506 00:29:29,727 --> 00:29:30,978 What was the last gold mine? 507 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:34,774 I don't know, the war on drugs, I guess? 508 00:29:41,323 --> 00:29:45,535 That thing he said, about making their lives full. 509 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:46,869 Feel full. 510 00:29:47,787 --> 00:29:49,289 You think we can do that at Litchfield? 511 00:29:50,039 --> 00:29:51,458 We can do whatever we want. 512 00:29:53,376 --> 00:29:55,044 Well, I want that. 513 00:29:56,128 --> 00:29:58,047 I wanna give that to them. 514 00:29:58,673 --> 00:30:00,508 As long as it fits in the budget. 515 00:30:05,430 --> 00:30:07,056 I'm a little nervous. 516 00:30:08,265 --> 00:30:10,518 -About the panel? -Mmm-hmm. 517 00:30:10,602 --> 00:30:11,769 You're gonna be great. 518 00:30:11,853 --> 00:30:14,063 I mean, I know purchasing isn't a sexy topic 519 00:30:14,146 --> 00:30:16,107 like drugs or capital punishment, but-- 520 00:30:16,190 --> 00:30:17,191 Don't say that. 521 00:30:17,274 --> 00:30:21,696 I just am gonna be up there representing MCC and I... 522 00:30:21,779 --> 00:30:23,781 I really wanna knock it out of the park. 523 00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:25,408 Linda... 524 00:30:25,492 --> 00:30:28,453 you don't even know what you are. 525 00:30:29,412 --> 00:30:32,790 - You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC. 526 00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:36,836 You are the Cy Young of Correctional Purchasing. 527 00:30:36,919 --> 00:30:38,421 Are those sports people? 528 00:30:39,171 --> 00:30:40,590 Does the pope shit in the woods? 529 00:30:42,216 --> 00:30:44,344 Oh, Joe. You're so funny. 530 00:30:47,972 --> 00:30:51,726 A History of Prison Weapons." 531 00:30:58,065 --> 00:30:59,442 Bye-bye, sleep mask. 532 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:01,986 Time to meet my snizz. 533 00:31:02,069 --> 00:31:04,113 Think it'll stay in? 534 00:31:04,196 --> 00:31:06,991 Just don't lose it up there, that could get serious. 535 00:31:10,286 --> 00:31:12,372 Well, la-di-da. 536 00:31:13,415 --> 00:31:15,500 Little Miss One Percent herself. 537 00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:17,377 Hey, what are you charging for one of those? 538 00:31:19,879 --> 00:31:21,506 Five dollars. 539 00:31:22,382 --> 00:31:24,551 Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday! 540 00:31:24,634 --> 00:31:27,637 Inflation, like we back in the Bush era. 541 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,139 Bitch, you never left the Bush era, 542 00:31:30,222 --> 00:31:32,725 judging by all that creeping from your panties. 543 00:31:32,809 --> 00:31:34,519 I'll give you three bucks. 544 00:31:35,853 --> 00:31:36,854 You got it right now? 545 00:31:36,938 --> 00:31:38,731 No, but I can get it to you by the end of the week. 546 00:31:38,815 --> 00:31:41,150 Don't do it. She'll charge you interest. 547 00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:42,569 That's what her people do. 548 00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:48,783 I know you did not just call me a money lender. 549 00:31:48,866 --> 00:31:50,493 'Cause that right there would be hate speech. 550 00:31:50,577 --> 00:31:53,370 What if we got something to trade? 551 00:31:53,455 --> 00:31:55,206 Something you might really want. 552 00:31:55,289 --> 00:31:57,417 No trades. 553 00:31:58,543 --> 00:32:05,299 The only language this Jew here speak is cold hard cash. 554 00:32:06,175 --> 00:32:09,011 You see, it's okay when I say it. 555 00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:49,636 Is anything the matter? 556 00:32:50,344 --> 00:32:51,971 Gold star for you, Chapman. 557 00:32:52,889 --> 00:32:54,181 Your intel was good. 558 00:32:54,265 --> 00:32:55,475 Really? 559 00:32:57,769 --> 00:32:59,937 -What did you find out? -None of your concern. 560 00:33:01,438 --> 00:33:02,732 Let me just say, 561 00:33:02,815 --> 00:33:06,277 if you felt like assembling a group of like-minded individuals, 562 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,320 reliable inmates like yourself, 563 00:33:08,404 --> 00:33:11,032 with an interest in keeping this prison gang-free... 564 00:33:11,866 --> 00:33:13,993 I assembled a task force once at Smith. 565 00:33:15,327 --> 00:33:17,246 There was somebody putting bubble baths in all the fountains, 566 00:33:17,329 --> 00:33:18,623 and we totally caught her. 567 00:33:18,706 --> 00:33:19,791 Bubble bath. 568 00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,376 Is that related to bath salts? 569 00:33:22,459 --> 00:33:24,253 No, it's just bubbles. 570 00:33:24,336 --> 00:33:25,797 For baths? 571 00:33:26,463 --> 00:33:29,759 It was right before parents weekend, so the administration was really upset. 572 00:33:31,511 --> 00:33:33,137 But gangs. 573 00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:34,722 Gangs, Mr. Piscatella... 574 00:33:35,807 --> 00:33:37,517 gangs are the issue here. 575 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:40,436 And I will assemble a task force to stop them. 576 00:33:42,188 --> 00:33:43,189 Sir. 577 00:33:43,272 --> 00:33:45,858 You really shouldn't do that unless you're in the armed forces. 578 00:33:45,942 --> 00:33:47,276 How do you know I'm not? 579 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,738 It won't happen again. 580 00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,704 Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute? 581 00:33:58,454 --> 00:34:00,414 -What is it, inmate? -Gloria Mendoza. 582 00:34:00,497 --> 00:34:01,916 I just thought that you should know 583 00:34:01,999 --> 00:34:04,418 that some of your new guards are stopping girls for no reason 584 00:34:04,501 --> 00:34:07,046 -and being extra invasive. -Yeah? 585 00:34:07,129 --> 00:34:08,756 And everyone they're stopping looks like... 586 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,424 Like you? 587 00:34:10,925 --> 00:34:12,802 Look, I didn't go to law school or nothing, 588 00:34:12,885 --> 00:34:16,097 but I know that they gotta be stepping on a few civil liberties here. 589 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:18,515 You committed a crime, inmate. 590 00:34:19,475 --> 00:34:22,854 So, if you wanna see who "stepped on your civil liberties," 591 00:34:22,937 --> 00:34:24,981 check under your own boot. 592 00:34:32,071 --> 00:34:34,616 Flaca and Maritza together again. 593 00:34:34,699 --> 00:34:38,202 It's like we're back in the kitchen, but crime-ier. 594 00:34:38,285 --> 00:34:40,496 Does it show? 595 00:34:40,580 --> 00:34:43,207 Mmm-mmm, it looks like you had a big plate of pasta. 596 00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:45,042 Oh, my God, I'm a fatty! 597 00:34:45,126 --> 00:34:46,543 But it's for a good cause. 598 00:34:47,587 --> 00:34:49,255 Are you nervous? 599 00:34:49,338 --> 00:34:50,422 It's only boys. 600 00:34:50,506 --> 00:34:52,800 Once you get the blood rushing to their dicks, 601 00:34:52,884 --> 00:34:54,260 they're like your servants. 602 00:34:54,343 --> 00:34:56,470 All I gotta do is convince the one guy 603 00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:59,473 who always watches me to go inside and party with the others. 604 00:34:59,556 --> 00:35:02,268 Then there's ten minutes before I drive the day shift up. 605 00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:05,772 Ten minutes for Alonso to grab that shit from the wheel well. 606 00:35:06,898 --> 00:35:08,065 Shit. 607 00:35:11,611 --> 00:35:13,029 -Go now. -What? 608 00:35:13,112 --> 00:35:14,864 Do it! Do it now, trust me. 609 00:35:19,661 --> 00:35:21,078 What, I don't get any love? 610 00:35:22,705 --> 00:35:23,790 Well, that's a new one. 611 00:35:23,873 --> 00:35:26,876 We don't get touched a lot in here, except by the lezzies. 612 00:35:26,959 --> 00:35:29,211 Sometimes, you need a little human contact. 613 00:35:29,295 --> 00:35:30,838 Especially by an expert. 614 00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:42,516 Ooh! 615 00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:55,697 You're all set. 616 00:35:55,780 --> 00:35:57,782 Hope it was as good for you as it was for me. 617 00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,742 Don't forget about my friend over there. 618 00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:02,286 She really misses her boyfriend. 619 00:36:02,369 --> 00:36:04,205 Last frisk of the day. 620 00:36:55,422 --> 00:36:56,632 Can I help you, miss? 621 00:36:56,716 --> 00:36:59,135 I'm just looking for now, thanks. 622 00:36:59,761 --> 00:37:01,512 So comfy. 623 00:37:01,595 --> 00:37:04,431 -I'm Lucas, if you need anything. -Thanks. 624 00:37:14,066 --> 00:37:15,777 Ever drive one of these bad boys? 625 00:37:15,860 --> 00:37:17,361 Uh... 626 00:37:17,444 --> 00:37:20,447 I wasted half my life driving a Saab. 627 00:37:20,531 --> 00:37:22,616 My wife always said they were safe in an accident. 628 00:37:23,117 --> 00:37:26,829 But they still couldn't pull any bodies from the car wreck of our marriage. 629 00:37:30,124 --> 00:37:31,125 You are bad. 630 00:37:32,877 --> 00:37:33,878 Well... 631 00:37:34,545 --> 00:37:36,713 you see anything here you like? 632 00:37:36,798 --> 00:37:39,050 Uh... definitely. 633 00:37:39,133 --> 00:37:40,885 Uh, what would you recommend? 634 00:37:40,968 --> 00:37:43,637 Well, the Gran Turismo is awesome, 635 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:47,683 but the Gran Cabrio always gives me a special little tingle. 636 00:37:47,767 --> 00:37:49,726 The Gran Cabrio it is. 637 00:37:50,477 --> 00:37:53,940 We're just gonna need some ID and I'll go hook you up with the keys. 638 00:38:04,826 --> 00:38:06,786 How can we help you today, Mrs... 639 00:38:06,869 --> 00:38:07,870 Spencer. 640 00:38:08,913 --> 00:38:12,208 My hubby and I would like to take the Gran Cabrio out for a spin. 641 00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:15,044 He's the one over there. 642 00:38:15,127 --> 00:38:16,587 Ain't he cute? 643 00:38:17,588 --> 00:38:18,672 Very distinguished. 644 00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:20,216 His name is Edward. 645 00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:24,303 All right, Mrs. Spencer. 646 00:38:24,386 --> 00:38:27,348 You are all set. 647 00:38:27,431 --> 00:38:29,641 You can take the one down in front in Etruscan onyx. 648 00:38:30,726 --> 00:38:32,644 Uh, Etruscan... 649 00:38:32,728 --> 00:38:34,563 Between the classic obsidian and the midnight noir. 650 00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,816 Oh, the Etruscan onyx! 651 00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:43,655 Wait till you feel this transaxle layout. 652 00:38:43,739 --> 00:38:45,699 A pretty lady who knows cars. 653 00:38:45,782 --> 00:38:47,409 This is like a junior high wet dream. 654 00:38:47,493 --> 00:38:50,037 It's important to chase your dreams. After you. 655 00:39:02,258 --> 00:39:04,260 Hey, sorry I got held up. 656 00:39:04,343 --> 00:39:06,678 Can't wait to tell you more about this beauty. 657 00:39:23,445 --> 00:39:26,115 It's a pretty good squat you got there, Jefferson. 658 00:39:26,198 --> 00:39:28,117 Strong knees. 659 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,326 Thanks. 660 00:39:29,410 --> 00:39:31,495 Do you find yourself squatting 661 00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:34,790 in unusual places throughout the course of your day? 662 00:39:34,874 --> 00:39:37,877 Places that people wouldn't normally squat? 663 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,337 What the fuck are you talking about? 664 00:39:40,421 --> 00:39:41,964 I have no idea. 665 00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:16,498 I mean, we have all met those CFOs 666 00:40:16,582 --> 00:40:20,377 who think that Purchasing is only about cost reduction. 667 00:40:20,461 --> 00:40:23,797 But it's like, hello, haven't they ever heard of strategic sourcing, 668 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,675 discount procurement, or commodity cultivation? 669 00:40:26,758 --> 00:40:27,759 That's fascinating. 670 00:40:27,843 --> 00:40:31,472 I'm sorry to take us into choppy waters, but... 671 00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,724 how do you respond to the critics who say 672 00:40:33,807 --> 00:40:37,937 the bottom line is affecting the prisoners' quality of life? 673 00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:39,521 Well, that is a good question. 674 00:40:40,772 --> 00:40:43,817 And at the end of the day, it is a prison, not the Four Seasons. 675 00:40:45,611 --> 00:40:47,404 Um... but all joking aside, 676 00:40:47,488 --> 00:40:50,699 we at MCC have found that the prisoners' quality of life 677 00:40:50,782 --> 00:40:53,619 has actually improved with the advent of cost-- 678 00:40:53,702 --> 00:40:56,080 Why don't you tell 'em how you doubled the beds, Linda? 679 00:40:56,163 --> 00:40:58,499 --Uh... 680 00:40:58,582 --> 00:40:59,666 As I was saying-- 681 00:40:59,750 --> 00:41:02,419 Or tell 'em about how the food makes everyone puke? 682 00:41:04,255 --> 00:41:06,632 Or that Sophia Burset is in the SHU for no reason? 683 00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:08,092 Hey! That's enough. 684 00:41:08,175 --> 00:41:09,718 Well, if the gentleman has finished, 685 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,971 -there will be a Q and A-- -Yeah. I'm finished all right. 686 00:41:12,054 --> 00:41:14,765 I'm finished with a company that refuses to acknowledge 687 00:41:14,848 --> 00:41:18,019 what happens when we monetize human beings. 688 00:41:18,102 --> 00:41:20,354 - Do you wanna sit down? - Do you even see yourselves? 689 00:41:20,437 --> 00:41:24,233 The magic lasers, and... and prison ice cream. 690 00:41:24,316 --> 00:41:29,530 This whole thing is a disgusting display of how industry dollars are spent. 691 00:41:29,613 --> 00:41:31,323 And I was like you a few months ago. 692 00:41:31,407 --> 00:41:34,326 I used to come to this conference every year, 693 00:41:34,410 --> 00:41:37,204 and I never thought about the inmates. 694 00:41:37,288 --> 00:41:41,542 But, you know, maybe you're too afraid to admit it, 695 00:41:41,625 --> 00:41:44,378 but if you just go to my web page, Dannytalkstruth.com-- 696 00:41:44,461 --> 00:41:45,462 Why don't you come with me? 697 00:41:45,546 --> 00:41:46,963 Well, I bought a ticket like everybody else. 698 00:41:47,048 --> 00:41:49,300 Hey, why don't you let him go? He's harmless. 699 00:41:49,383 --> 00:41:51,510 -Uh, don't call me harmless, but I-- -Are you with him? 700 00:41:51,593 --> 00:41:52,594 I'm just trying to help. 701 00:41:52,678 --> 00:41:54,346 - Hey-- - Step back, step back. 702 00:41:54,430 --> 00:41:55,597 --That's it. You're done. 703 00:41:55,681 --> 00:41:57,183 Shit. I'm sorry. 704 00:41:57,266 --> 00:41:59,018 This is a misunderstanding. 705 00:41:59,101 --> 00:42:00,311 I am the warden at Litchfield. 706 00:42:00,394 --> 00:42:01,937 The Director of Human Activities. 707 00:42:02,021 --> 00:42:03,605 It's the same fucking thing. 708 00:42:03,689 --> 00:42:05,982 - It's a small point. Sorry, Joe. - It's the same thing. 709 00:42:08,235 --> 00:42:12,031 - CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right? 710 00:42:22,249 --> 00:42:24,251 Are you sure you don't wanna come with? 711 00:42:24,335 --> 00:42:26,878 We have to take the day shift up in ten minutes. 712 00:42:26,962 --> 00:42:29,173 You can get pretty drunk in ten minutes. 713 00:42:29,256 --> 00:42:31,550 You want me to leave Ramos unattended? 714 00:42:31,633 --> 00:42:32,718 Or bring her with. 715 00:42:32,801 --> 00:42:34,720 You two can give us a little show. 716 00:42:36,597 --> 00:42:38,599 We're good here, thanks. 717 00:42:51,027 --> 00:42:53,655 Aren't you kinda curious what they do in there? 718 00:42:53,739 --> 00:42:55,657 I know exactly what they do. 719 00:42:55,741 --> 00:42:59,536 Scratch each other's balls and play Call of Duty: Guantanamo. 720 00:43:04,708 --> 00:43:07,503 Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing? 721 00:43:07,586 --> 00:43:10,131 I got a wad of toilet paper so far up my hoohoo, 722 00:43:10,839 --> 00:43:12,758 I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out. 723 00:43:12,841 --> 00:43:15,344 And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling. 724 00:43:15,427 --> 00:43:18,472 I got a box of tampons at my place. You can borrow one. 725 00:43:18,555 --> 00:43:20,974 -Really? -Just make sure you return it. 726 00:43:43,164 --> 00:43:46,082 The torque vectoring is akin to what you'd find at the Indy 500. 727 00:43:46,167 --> 00:43:49,545 Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque. 728 00:43:49,628 --> 00:43:52,173 485 foot-pounds of torque. 729 00:43:52,256 --> 00:43:54,049 A Ferrari is only 400. 730 00:43:54,925 --> 00:43:56,677 You know a lot about cars. 731 00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:58,720 Uh, I sure do. 732 00:43:58,804 --> 00:44:01,473 Are there a lot of women in the industry? 733 00:44:03,267 --> 00:44:05,561 Mmm... what would you say? 734 00:44:05,644 --> 00:44:08,522 Yeah, but they're mostly glorified hood ornaments, I'm afraid. 735 00:44:08,605 --> 00:44:11,192 --How long have you two been together? 736 00:44:11,275 --> 00:44:14,403 -Me and her? -About ten minutes, ha! 737 00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:17,323 At least, it feels that way. 738 00:44:17,406 --> 00:44:19,866 Time moves pretty fast. 739 00:44:19,950 --> 00:44:21,952 -But not as fast as one of these babies! -Mmm. 740 00:44:22,035 --> 00:44:23,454 Do you have kids? 741 00:44:23,537 --> 00:44:24,663 Yeah... 742 00:44:24,746 --> 00:44:26,582 Two spoiled little monsters. 743 00:44:26,665 --> 00:44:28,167 Fourteen and 16. 744 00:44:29,668 --> 00:44:31,127 From a previous marriage? 745 00:44:31,212 --> 00:44:33,129 Well, I've only been married the once. 746 00:44:33,214 --> 00:44:34,465 Learned my lesson. 747 00:44:34,548 --> 00:44:36,967 -I'm sorry, I thought you-- -Edward's pretty tough to nail down. 748 00:44:37,050 --> 00:44:39,886 But you can't blame me for trying. 749 00:44:39,970 --> 00:44:41,972 Trying to close the deal, so to speak. 750 00:44:42,055 --> 00:44:43,474 Good. What about you? 751 00:44:43,557 --> 00:44:44,641 You have kids? 752 00:44:46,477 --> 00:44:47,978 No, silly. 753 00:44:48,061 --> 00:44:49,938 Why would I keep that a secret? 754 00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:51,022 Classic Edward. 755 00:44:51,106 --> 00:44:53,359 Actually, it's Teddy. 756 00:44:53,442 --> 00:44:55,944 Wait till you hear this sound system. 757 00:45:01,157 --> 00:45:03,076 How did you guys meet? 758 00:45:03,159 --> 00:45:05,203 Ooh, feel that bass! 759 00:45:05,287 --> 00:45:08,415 -What kind of meat? -I just love hair metal! 760 00:45:08,499 --> 00:45:10,501 Meet! Where did you meet? 761 00:45:11,752 --> 00:45:14,212 Can you pull over? I think I'm gonna be sick! 762 00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:19,843 Oh. 763 00:45:29,978 --> 00:45:31,522 Are you gonna check on her? 764 00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:35,276 I was gonna ask you the same. 765 00:45:45,536 --> 00:45:47,579 - You okay, sweetie? 766 00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:53,126 Hey! Where the hell are you going? 767 00:45:53,209 --> 00:45:54,586 What are you doing? 768 00:46:04,054 --> 00:46:05,472 So, how will you be paying? 769 00:46:15,691 --> 00:46:16,942 You're missing an "E" in "careers." 770 00:46:17,025 --> 00:46:18,527 It's "carers." 771 00:46:20,070 --> 00:46:21,363 Like you care. 772 00:46:22,656 --> 00:46:23,865 Like you give a shit. 773 00:46:23,949 --> 00:46:25,701 "Community Carers"? 774 00:46:26,660 --> 00:46:27,786 That sounds kind of gay. 775 00:46:29,204 --> 00:46:31,247 Gay for safety, maybe. 776 00:46:31,332 --> 00:46:32,458 Gay for justice. 777 00:46:32,541 --> 00:46:34,751 -Huh? -It is not gay. 778 00:46:34,835 --> 00:46:37,295 At least in the pejorative sense. 779 00:46:37,379 --> 00:46:39,340 We are a group of like-minded individuals 780 00:46:39,423 --> 00:46:44,010 that does not want to see this prison overrun by gangs and gang violence. 781 00:46:44,094 --> 00:46:45,512 Don't you want that? 782 00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,098 I do. Ow. 783 00:46:50,434 --> 00:46:51,727 You need help spreading the word? 784 00:46:56,357 --> 00:46:57,941 I love it here. 785 00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:01,820 It's, like, where we met, when you think about it. 786 00:47:01,903 --> 00:47:03,489 Yeah, it was pretty romantic. 787 00:47:03,572 --> 00:47:06,533 I mean, you were drooling and dead and shit. 788 00:47:07,951 --> 00:47:11,246 And I'm freaking the fuck out. 789 00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:13,415 Can you read me something in German? 790 00:47:13,499 --> 00:47:15,291 I think it's such a pretty language. 791 00:47:15,376 --> 00:47:18,336 Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American? 792 00:47:19,004 --> 00:47:22,257 - You're so weird. - Stop it! You're weird. 793 00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:24,426 Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke. 794 00:47:24,510 --> 00:47:26,302 Yes! 795 00:47:26,387 --> 00:47:28,346 - Yes! - Okay. 796 00:47:29,723 --> 00:47:31,099 -Turn around, it's this way. -Mmm-mmm. What? 797 00:47:34,310 --> 00:47:35,979 Yay! Story time! 798 00:47:36,062 --> 00:47:37,814 Oh. Shh. 799 00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:40,358 She's been studying all morning. 800 00:47:42,403 --> 00:47:46,657 Oh, my God, trig! My second favorite category in Mathletics. 801 00:47:47,699 --> 00:47:50,661 Lucky me. A fairy god-chink to teach me math. 802 00:47:50,744 --> 00:47:55,040 That's an offensive generalization, although apt in this case. 803 00:47:55,123 --> 00:47:56,625 Yeah, she plays the piano, too. 804 00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:59,085 But I think bubble tea is disgusting. 805 00:47:59,169 --> 00:48:01,463 And I never liked Hello Kitty. She has no mouth. 806 00:48:01,547 --> 00:48:02,548 Okay! 807 00:48:02,631 --> 00:48:05,300 The angle of elevation of a hot air balloon changes 808 00:48:05,383 --> 00:48:08,637 from 25 degrees at 10:00 a.m. to 60 degrees at 10:02 a.m. 809 00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:11,432 Did you already figure out the point of observation? 810 00:48:12,641 --> 00:48:13,725 What the fuck is she saying? 811 00:48:14,309 --> 00:48:16,645 Okay, this is gonna be fun. 812 00:48:16,728 --> 00:48:19,355 But... not as fun as calculus. 813 00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:21,858 I mean, calculus is where math meets poetry. 814 00:48:21,942 --> 00:48:23,944 And together, they give me a brain tumor. 815 00:48:24,027 --> 00:48:25,195 Okay. 816 00:48:25,278 --> 00:48:29,282 First, you're gonna need to find out the tangent of 25 817 00:48:29,365 --> 00:48:31,452 before we can figure out the tangent of 60. 818 00:48:31,535 --> 00:48:33,328 I'm not gonna lie, this is kind of turning me on. 819 00:48:33,411 --> 00:48:36,206 Is this the kind of thing I can use in real life? 820 00:48:36,289 --> 00:48:40,376 'Cause I'm supposed to be a productive member of society. 821 00:48:40,461 --> 00:48:41,462 Or some shit. 822 00:48:41,545 --> 00:48:43,672 Yeah, well, trig is very useful in determining 823 00:48:43,755 --> 00:48:45,298 the distance between celestial bodies. 824 00:48:45,381 --> 00:48:46,967 You're a celestial body. 825 00:48:47,050 --> 00:48:48,802 You're embarrassing me. 826 00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:50,846 Okay. Um... 827 00:48:50,929 --> 00:48:55,892 the upward speed is 3.16 meters per second. 828 00:48:56,935 --> 00:48:59,145 See? There you go. That wasn't too hard, was it? 829 00:48:59,229 --> 00:49:00,772 Yeah. Look at me go. 830 00:49:01,565 --> 00:49:03,358 Yeah! That's the spirit. 831 00:49:08,780 --> 00:49:10,448 Are we talking about the same McCullough? 832 00:49:11,074 --> 00:49:12,909 The one out there with the resting bitch face. 833 00:49:12,993 --> 00:49:15,120 Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute, 834 00:49:15,203 --> 00:49:17,498 if she got Princess Diaried. 835 00:49:18,373 --> 00:49:19,750 Oh, is that like, uh... 836 00:49:21,417 --> 00:49:22,753 What is that? 837 00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:25,922 It's where the chick in the movie is, like, all right. 838 00:49:26,006 --> 00:49:27,966 Normal. Hot-girl-actress normal. 839 00:49:28,049 --> 00:49:30,385 -Ah. -But then, straighten the hair, right, 840 00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:33,429 take the glasses off, you fix her teeth. 841 00:49:33,514 --> 00:49:35,724 -Yeah. -Give her a couple horse tranquilizers. 842 00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:38,101 - There you go. 843 00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:42,606 Dude, you play it so smooth, but you're the biggest dick of all of us. 844 00:49:42,689 --> 00:49:43,815 Are you coming on to me? 845 00:49:43,899 --> 00:49:45,316 -Yes, I am. -It's working. 846 00:49:46,610 --> 00:49:48,278 Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors? 847 00:49:48,862 --> 00:49:50,113 I haven't taken a sip of it yet. 848 00:49:50,196 --> 00:49:52,490 I'm sorry, is Officer Dixon pacing himself? 849 00:49:52,574 --> 00:49:53,909 More room for Jäger. 850 00:49:53,992 --> 00:49:54,993 Oh. 851 00:49:55,911 --> 00:49:56,912 Sure, I guess. 852 00:49:56,995 --> 00:49:58,539 - There you go. - Oh, fuck, man! 853 00:49:58,622 --> 00:50:00,081 -Oh! -What the fuck? 854 00:50:00,165 --> 00:50:02,208 Oh! Classic! 855 00:50:02,292 --> 00:50:04,502 Oh, classic. 856 00:50:04,586 --> 00:50:06,296 I'm never gonna be able to unsee that. 857 00:50:18,474 --> 00:50:19,726 Hey, who's the taco? 858 00:50:22,688 --> 00:50:23,897 Dude! 859 00:50:26,066 --> 00:50:28,109 Yo, amigo! What are you doing here? 860 00:50:29,611 --> 00:50:30,654 Hey, bro. 861 00:50:30,737 --> 00:50:32,113 You habla English? 862 00:50:32,197 --> 00:50:33,657 'Lonso! 863 00:50:33,740 --> 00:50:37,744 You're supposed to trim the bushes on Wednesday, not Tuesday. 864 00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:40,163 Follow me. 865 00:50:41,081 --> 00:50:43,834 -You know this dude? -You guys haven't met Alonso? 866 00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:45,376 He's the gardener guy. 867 00:50:46,127 --> 00:50:48,046 I don't think I've ever seen him sober. 868 00:50:48,129 --> 00:50:51,007 No wonder he don't know his Tuesday from his Wednesday. 869 00:50:51,091 --> 00:50:52,676 Oh, a man after my own heart. 870 00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:54,761 Well, hey, bro, if you could, uh... 871 00:50:54,845 --> 00:50:57,723 take care of the weeds and shit out front, 872 00:50:57,806 --> 00:50:59,850 I know me and the fellas would really appreciate it. 873 00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:03,519 We may be animals, but we're not, you know, animals. 874 00:51:05,271 --> 00:51:07,023 Yes, I... I will do that. 875 00:51:07,774 --> 00:51:08,942 Thanks. 876 00:51:18,785 --> 00:51:21,830 You're smarter than you look, pretty girl. 877 00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:40,265 I know. Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn't it? 878 00:51:50,483 --> 00:51:52,068 It was... it was all a knee-jerk reaction. 879 00:51:52,152 --> 00:51:54,070 I would actually blame Danny for that. 880 00:51:54,154 --> 00:51:56,322 Go ahead, tell my dad. I don't care. 881 00:51:57,448 --> 00:51:59,284 Why? Why would I tell your dad? 882 00:52:00,243 --> 00:52:01,286 No, I... 883 00:52:01,369 --> 00:52:04,164 I'm only saying if you did, I wouldn't care. 884 00:52:05,874 --> 00:52:10,921 Danny, telling Jack that you were arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop 885 00:52:11,004 --> 00:52:15,091 would mean telling him that I was arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop. 886 00:52:15,175 --> 00:52:16,802 So rest easy. 887 00:52:16,885 --> 00:52:21,723 Your career as Norma Rae is safe with me. 888 00:52:21,807 --> 00:52:23,474 Oh. Okay. 889 00:52:24,309 --> 00:52:25,560 Thanks. 890 00:52:27,103 --> 00:52:29,064 'Course I can't speak for her. 891 00:52:32,275 --> 00:52:34,736 So... Linda, huh? 892 00:52:36,279 --> 00:52:37,698 I knew you were in bed with my father, 893 00:52:37,781 --> 00:52:40,241 but I didn't know you were doing it with Satan herself. 894 00:52:40,325 --> 00:52:42,077 We're not doing it. 895 00:52:43,369 --> 00:52:44,788 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 896 00:52:46,915 --> 00:52:50,210 From one Director of Human Activity to another... 897 00:52:50,293 --> 00:52:51,544 watch out for that one. 898 00:52:55,131 --> 00:52:56,424 Okay. 899 00:52:58,343 --> 00:53:00,846 I've convinced them that you're no longer a threat to society. 900 00:53:03,014 --> 00:53:04,682 You can leave now, Danny. 901 00:53:05,934 --> 00:53:07,268 Boo. Hiss. 902 00:53:08,644 --> 00:53:10,939 Uh-uh. Not you. 903 00:53:11,022 --> 00:53:13,024 - I know, I... 904 00:53:13,108 --> 00:53:14,317 I lost my cool in there. 905 00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:19,072 You should have followed MCC protocol never to engage with a protester. 906 00:53:19,155 --> 00:53:23,076 But that is not your worst offense. 907 00:53:24,786 --> 00:53:26,246 You, sir... 908 00:53:26,329 --> 00:53:28,414 are arrested... 909 00:53:28,498 --> 00:53:31,001 for chivalry in the first degree. 910 00:53:31,793 --> 00:53:33,044 What? 911 00:53:33,128 --> 00:53:35,922 Standing up for me like that. 912 00:53:37,090 --> 00:53:40,718 You are full of surprises, mister. 913 00:53:48,309 --> 00:53:49,811 Those Karate Kid moves. 914 00:53:49,895 --> 00:53:51,938 -I got more moves where that came from. -Oh, yeah? 915 00:53:53,481 --> 00:53:54,941 Let's see. 916 00:54:06,119 --> 00:54:07,120 Oh! 917 00:54:13,501 --> 00:54:17,422 Let me start by saying, I am so encouraged by this turnout. 918 00:54:18,339 --> 00:54:22,177 I always knew that Litchfield had a strong community of carers. 919 00:54:22,260 --> 00:54:24,304 Women who are willing to keep their eyes open 920 00:54:24,387 --> 00:54:27,265 for any miscreant activity, any malfeasance. 921 00:54:30,185 --> 00:54:31,727 Bad stuff. 922 00:54:32,896 --> 00:54:34,856 There is a sickness sweeping this prison. 923 00:54:34,940 --> 00:54:35,982 Like an STD? 924 00:54:36,066 --> 00:54:38,860 A societal STD, you might say. 925 00:54:40,695 --> 00:54:42,113 And we... 926 00:54:43,156 --> 00:54:44,950 we get to be the antibodies. 927 00:54:45,033 --> 00:54:51,122 The medicated cream, I guess, that then fights off that STD. 928 00:54:51,206 --> 00:54:54,960 Whenever you are walking down the halls and you sense a shadowy presence, 929 00:54:55,043 --> 00:54:57,462 whenever the walls are tainted with graffiti... 930 00:54:57,545 --> 00:54:59,923 - She said "taint." - Shh. 931 00:55:00,006 --> 00:55:02,383 What I am trying to say is... 932 00:55:04,302 --> 00:55:07,805 will you join me on a quest to keep our hallways clean 933 00:55:07,889 --> 00:55:10,475 and our hearts pure of purpose? 934 00:55:11,642 --> 00:55:13,603 Piper's right, you guys. 935 00:55:13,686 --> 00:55:17,440 You can't swing a cat around here lately without hitting a dirty Dominican. 936 00:55:17,523 --> 00:55:18,942 Oh, no, that's not what I meant. 937 00:55:19,025 --> 00:55:22,320 Amen to that! You know, we're always having to hear about Latin Pride. 938 00:55:22,403 --> 00:55:24,572 -Yeah. -And Black Pride. 939 00:55:24,655 --> 00:55:25,823 And Asian Pride. 940 00:55:25,907 --> 00:55:26,992 Wait, Asian Pride? 941 00:55:27,075 --> 00:55:28,952 Yo, why can't there be such a thing as White Pride? 942 00:55:29,035 --> 00:55:33,164 Yeah! We're always hearing about how black lives matter. 943 00:55:33,248 --> 00:55:35,083 Well, don't our lives matter? 944 00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:36,417 Right? 945 00:55:36,501 --> 00:55:38,544 White lives matter. 946 00:55:38,628 --> 00:55:40,588 White lives matter! 947 00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:42,715 White lives matter! 948 00:55:42,798 --> 00:55:44,759 White lives matter! 949 00:55:44,842 --> 00:55:46,469 White lives matter! 950 00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:48,263 White lives matter! 951 00:55:48,346 --> 00:55:50,431 White lives matter! 952 00:55:50,515 --> 00:55:52,183 White lives matter! 953 00:55:52,267 --> 00:55:54,102 White lives matter! 954 00:55:54,185 --> 00:55:56,354 White lives matter! 955 00:55:56,437 --> 00:55:58,356 White lives matter! 956 00:55:58,439 --> 00:56:00,150 White lives matter! 957 00:56:00,233 --> 00:56:01,526 White lives matter! 958 00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:03,611 White lives matter! 959 00:56:03,694 --> 00:56:05,280 White lives matter! 960 00:56:05,363 --> 00:56:06,990 White lives matter! 961 00:56:07,073 --> 00:56:08,783 White lives matter! 962 00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:10,410 White lives matter! 963 00:56:10,493 --> 00:56:11,869 White lives matter! 964 00:56:11,953 --> 00:56:13,579 White lives matter! 965 00:56:13,663 --> 00:56:15,040 White lives matter! 966 00:56:15,123 --> 00:56:16,374 White lives matter!