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If I get the maple bacon,
that's kinda Paleo, right?
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Only if you killed it
yourself with a crossbow.
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You should try the red velvet. It's new.
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Oh, jeez.
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Do I look like an idiot to you?
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No.
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You think you can squeeze
an extra dollar out of me
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because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy,
it looks like its bleeding"?
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No, in your heart of hearts,
you know as well as I do,
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red velvet is bullshit.
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It tastes like Play-Doh.
It is not velvety.
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And the only thing that's good
about it is the cream cheese frosting
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which is meant to live on top of
carrot cake, like God intended.
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Okay, panda. We hear you.
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Red velvet isn't a thing.
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Red velvet can go to hell.
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You give me two Long Johns and a jelly.
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Well, I'll be fucked.
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What happened?
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Mind your own beeswax, Donuts.
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Oh, you kidding me?
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If I was a lesser person, I
would say, "I told you so."
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All right, here we are.
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Welcome to Litchfield,
two-point-nothing.
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So recently, we did go
from, uh, public to private,
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which is quite a relief.
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God bless free market
America of the United States.
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"Free market"?
45
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Yeah, I worked the night shift
at Sam's Club a while back
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and they used to lock us in.
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Well, it was probably
for your own protection.
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Yeah, it didn't feel like that.
49
00:02:49,422 --> 00:02:51,840
Well, look... you kidding me?
50
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The government socialists are clearly
so far up your butt crack about equality,
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when, in code, it's all about just
giving the darker people free shit.
52
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It's all about private corporation
because they really look after us.
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And you get religious freedom.
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- Yeah, I'm not that religious.
- No? Well, that's too bad.
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'Cause if you were a Christian,
you could tell everybody what to do,
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and then they do it so they
don't hurt your feelings,
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because that's against the law.
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Come on.
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00:03:20,703 --> 00:03:23,747
Okay, so this right here
is Mr. Healy's office.
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He's one of the counselors.
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Now, some of the girls, they
like the black one better, okay?
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But, listen...
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He brings snacks sometimes
and he's kind of a silver fox.
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Down here, we've got
visitation. Down here, okay?
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Your family is allowed
to come and see you,
66
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but if they never do...
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that's probably just
'cause they're too busy.
68
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But they still care about you. For sure.
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For sure.
70
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This place is amazing.
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00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:53,235
All right, this is still
prison and all, right?
72
00:03:53,236 --> 00:03:55,112
There's no need to
jump off the deep end.
73
00:03:55,113 --> 00:03:58,240
We got off the van,
like, five minutes ago,
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00:03:58,241 --> 00:03:59,824
and I haven't heard anybody screaming.
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00:03:59,825 --> 00:04:01,368
And the walls are so clean.
76
00:04:01,369 --> 00:04:03,996
Yeah, and we just got
new mattresses, too.
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00:04:03,997 --> 00:04:06,581
Yes. This here is Chang.
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00:04:06,582 --> 00:04:07,791
Chang!
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00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:11,086
So, she works in the
commissary. She don't talk much.
80
00:04:11,087 --> 00:04:12,712
Ching Chong Chang!
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00:04:12,713 --> 00:04:14,964
Fuck you, cracker.
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00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:17,051
She loves when I do that.
83
00:04:22,265 --> 00:04:24,308
How's life in the panty mill?
84
00:04:24,309 --> 00:04:27,436
Uh, yesterday, we learned
everything about sewing,
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00:04:27,437 --> 00:04:30,147
including how to serge with a rolled hem
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00:04:30,148 --> 00:04:33,525
and use a zigzag stitch.
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00:04:33,526 --> 00:04:37,413
I don't really know what any of it
means, so today's gonna be awesome.
88
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:43,618
What...
89
00:04:43,619 --> 00:04:45,120
How's grounds crew treating you?
90
00:04:45,121 --> 00:04:47,664
The instructions are pretty clear.
91
00:04:47,665 --> 00:04:50,917
Dig. Rake. Schlep.
92
00:04:50,918 --> 00:04:52,001
Uh-huh.
93
00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:54,171
It's fine. And it's outside.
94
00:04:54,172 --> 00:04:57,841
Anything is better than being
stuck down in that sweaty basement
95
00:04:57,842 --> 00:05:00,603
with the fucking puppets
from The Dark Crystal.
96
00:05:01,804 --> 00:05:03,763
I'm thirsty just looking at her.
97
00:05:03,764 --> 00:05:06,433
Well, you should see
what she does with pepper.
98
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:07,934
Hey, lesbians.
99
00:05:07,935 --> 00:05:10,738
My eyes squinty, but ears work fine.
100
00:05:11,189 --> 00:05:12,740
Let's go.
101
00:05:13,649 --> 00:05:15,442
I'm sorry.
102
00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:19,372
- I laugh when I see something super weird.
- Alex! Alex!
103
00:05:19,905 --> 00:05:22,667
How did she get a whole box of salt?
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That was the scene
just a few minutes ago
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00:07:28,493 --> 00:07:30,994
outside this Lower Manhattan courthouse,
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00:07:30,995 --> 00:07:33,580
where culinary celebrity Judy King
140
00:07:33,581 --> 00:07:36,165
was arraigned on charges of tax
evasion. According to authorities...
141
00:07:36,166 --> 00:07:38,918
I never liked this woman.
142
00:07:38,919 --> 00:07:42,765
She puts cream in her
carbonara. It's vulgar.
143
00:07:44,925 --> 00:07:46,343
What are you writing?
144
00:07:46,344 --> 00:07:48,387
It's for drama workshop.
145
00:07:48,388 --> 00:07:52,224
It's about my emotionally
manipulative asshat of a mother
146
00:07:52,225 --> 00:07:54,268
and all the times she betrayed me.
147
00:07:54,269 --> 00:07:56,060
I'm thinking at the end,
148
00:07:56,061 --> 00:07:58,355
I could run her over
with a riding lawnmower.
149
00:07:58,356 --> 00:07:59,731
Shred the bitch.
150
00:07:59,732 --> 00:08:01,525
Oh, that's beautiful, honey.
151
00:08:01,526 --> 00:08:06,163
You can watch your cartoons later.
It's the grown-ups' time now, honey.
152
00:08:08,699 --> 00:08:11,701
Hey, Red. I hear you
got family in Queens.
153
00:08:11,702 --> 00:08:13,036
What about them?
154
00:08:13,037 --> 00:08:15,705
I was wondering if your husband could
give my son a ride up here sometime?
155
00:08:15,706 --> 00:08:17,874
I'll trade you whatever.
I've asked everyone, but...
156
00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:20,385
Dmitri won't be visiting anymore.
157
00:08:21,086 --> 00:08:24,014
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
158
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,426
He's a worthless mushroom of a man.
159
00:08:27,427 --> 00:08:28,843
I've known a few of those.
160
00:08:28,844 --> 00:08:31,012
Maybe we should give up and be gay.
161
00:08:31,013 --> 00:08:32,096
We got the haircuts.
162
00:08:42,149 --> 00:08:45,444
There an angle in this
place you ain't workin'?
163
00:08:45,445 --> 00:08:47,862
Watch and learn, Mendoza.
164
00:08:53,243 --> 00:08:55,954
The food lady from the TV got arrested!
165
00:08:55,955 --> 00:08:58,915
- Wait, what? Oh, shit, is it Nigella?
- Mmm-mmm.
166
00:08:58,916 --> 00:09:00,417
- The trashy one?
- Mmm-mmm.
167
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:01,876
- The snotty one?
- Mmm-mmm.
168
00:09:01,877 --> 00:09:05,088
Ooh, it's the one with the plantation
kinda vibe goin' on, but in a fun way?
169
00:09:05,089 --> 00:09:06,881
Yes!
170
00:09:06,882 --> 00:09:10,134
- Yes! Had something to do with her taxes.
- Yeah, Judy King!
171
00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:13,347
There was microphones everywhere.
And they almost stuck one in her ear.
172
00:09:13,348 --> 00:09:15,014
Oh, Lord, if you're really out there,
173
00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:17,351
please, please, please
let her come to Litchfield.
174
00:09:17,352 --> 00:09:19,728
Please, please, please.
175
00:09:19,729 --> 00:09:21,071
Um...
176
00:09:21,897 --> 00:09:23,365
What?
177
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:27,611
I think your laundry might be alive.
178
00:09:27,612 --> 00:09:31,114
Nah, that's that furry alkie
been stealing my jail juice!
179
00:09:31,115 --> 00:09:33,074
Yeah, I caught it this morning.
180
00:09:33,075 --> 00:09:35,660
I'll turn that punk into a hat.
181
00:09:35,661 --> 00:09:36,828
What?
182
00:09:36,829 --> 00:09:40,465
Okay. We gonna have to talk.
183
00:09:41,709 --> 00:09:43,010
What?
184
00:09:47,548 --> 00:09:49,716
So, stations one and two,
185
00:09:49,717 --> 00:09:53,512
you will be at the cutting tables
this morning cutting patterns.
186
00:09:53,513 --> 00:09:56,180
And then everyone else can
start assembling the pieces.
187
00:09:56,181 --> 00:09:59,559
We will switch out after
lunch to avoid fatigue.
188
00:10:01,604 --> 00:10:05,148
Look sharp, ladies. It's up to us to
help the lovers of the world get it on!
189
00:10:08,361 --> 00:10:09,653
That's enough, DeMarco.
190
00:10:09,654 --> 00:10:12,656
Come on, Donaldson. Live a little, huh?
191
00:10:12,657 --> 00:10:14,574
Cut it out, okay?
192
00:10:14,575 --> 00:10:16,576
This shit's right up my alley.
193
00:10:16,577 --> 00:10:19,621
Sewed all my kids'
clothes until high school.
194
00:10:19,622 --> 00:10:21,631
I bet they loved that.
195
00:10:24,126 --> 00:10:28,129
Man, somehow my khakis be
feelin' extra khaki right now.
196
00:10:28,130 --> 00:10:31,466
Oh, come on, Gonzales.
Looks are superficial.
197
00:10:31,467 --> 00:10:36,689
Everybody knows it's about talent,
originality, a sense of humor...
198
00:10:41,101 --> 00:10:45,689
What do you think it's
like to be her in real life?
199
00:10:45,690 --> 00:10:48,525
Mmm, she eats pills and ice
cream, and cries at night.
200
00:10:48,526 --> 00:10:51,495
And she cuts herself, but on
her scalp so no one can see.
201
00:10:52,071 --> 00:10:53,863
So, it's still better than our lives.
202
00:10:53,864 --> 00:10:56,250
I would be her in a second.
203
00:11:01,914 --> 00:11:04,874
White bitches, white
bitches... All right, check it.
204
00:11:04,875 --> 00:11:08,002
How many pages you think it is
before they put in a token blackie?
205
00:11:08,003 --> 00:11:12,048
And how dark is she, scale
of one to Grace Jones?
206
00:11:12,049 --> 00:11:15,218
All right, 14 and four.
207
00:11:15,219 --> 00:11:18,179
All right, 14 and four. Let's find out.
208
00:11:19,807 --> 00:11:23,017
- So close. Here she is, page 11.
- Oh, man!
209
00:11:23,018 --> 00:11:24,769
- Man, but that's not too bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
210
00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:27,156
But she, like, a two.
211
00:11:27,314 --> 00:11:29,315
- The bitch got blue eyes.
- Yeah, true.
212
00:11:29,316 --> 00:11:31,275
But, damn, look at her abs, though.
213
00:11:31,276 --> 00:11:32,611
I know, right?
214
00:11:32,612 --> 00:11:34,904
So I jump out the window.
215
00:11:34,905 --> 00:11:39,408
I fall two floors, I land
on the awning, I slide off.
216
00:11:39,409 --> 00:11:44,498
I grab the delivery boy's bicycle,
and I'm outta there. I'm gone.
217
00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:47,083
And that is how I pull off
218
00:11:47,084 --> 00:11:51,430
the biggest jewel heist
in Chandler, Arizona.
219
00:11:51,922 --> 00:11:55,341
I gotta say, you are the
cutest gunslinger I've ever met.
220
00:11:55,342 --> 00:11:57,468
Thank you so much.
221
00:11:57,469 --> 00:11:59,012
And I do love guns.
222
00:11:59,013 --> 00:12:02,891
I mean, the old ones...
and the newer ones.
223
00:12:02,892 --> 00:12:05,644
I'm saving up for a 1962 Remington 700.
224
00:12:05,645 --> 00:12:06,853
That's the year they came out.
225
00:12:06,854 --> 00:12:09,939
Push-feed action,
3.2-millisecond lock time.
226
00:12:09,940 --> 00:12:12,066
Ooh! Just hearing you talk about that
227
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:13,985
makes me want to go
out and shoot something.
228
00:12:13,986 --> 00:12:17,531
Now you're making me sad.
229
00:12:17,532 --> 00:12:20,417
You're never gonna be able
to buy a gun again, are you?
230
00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:22,035
What?
231
00:12:22,036 --> 00:12:27,424
As a convicted felon,
you can't own a gun.
232
00:12:27,833 --> 00:12:29,218
Oh, right.
233
00:12:29,919 --> 00:12:31,511
Right!
234
00:12:31,962 --> 00:12:34,047
That is terrible, isn't it?
235
00:12:34,048 --> 00:12:37,258
I mean, that should
be a fundamental right.
236
00:12:37,259 --> 00:12:39,468
Like freedom of speech, right?
237
00:12:39,469 --> 00:12:42,055
I mean, what is
happening to our country?
238
00:12:42,056 --> 00:12:43,807
It's the fall of Rome.
239
00:12:43,808 --> 00:12:47,319
Don't even get me started on Rome.
240
00:12:48,979 --> 00:12:51,940
I've never written to an inmate
before. I didn't know what to expect.
241
00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:54,358
But you're... great.
242
00:12:54,359 --> 00:12:56,871
You're great, too.
243
00:12:57,112 --> 00:12:58,279
Can I come see you again?
244
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,865
I think that would be fine.
245
00:13:00,866 --> 00:13:03,201
Did you think we weren't gonna find out?
246
00:13:03,202 --> 00:13:07,538
I never found out. Nobody said
a damn word to me about an ad.
247
00:13:07,539 --> 00:13:09,583
All due respect, sir, but
I am gonna have to call
248
00:13:09,584 --> 00:13:11,710
a massive amount of bullshit on that.
249
00:13:11,711 --> 00:13:16,631
My kid's got asthma, and out of pocket,
her inhaler costs like $300 a month.
250
00:13:16,632 --> 00:13:18,216
I could get heroin for cheaper.
251
00:13:18,217 --> 00:13:20,343
- I understand.
- Do you?
252
00:13:20,344 --> 00:13:23,429
'Cause it seems like the only job
you saved around here was your own.
253
00:13:23,430 --> 00:13:26,265
You're still full-time. You
still have health insurance.
254
00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:31,771
You think that's what this is about, huh?
I got mine, now I'm gonna cut you loose?
255
00:13:31,772 --> 00:13:34,816
It doesn't not look like that, does it?
256
00:13:34,817 --> 00:13:38,537
I guess we can put the couch on
Airbnb to pay for your wrist surgery.
257
00:13:39,238 --> 00:13:40,998
Listen to me.
258
00:13:42,032 --> 00:13:45,576
Even if I didn't give two
shits about you clowns,
259
00:13:45,577 --> 00:13:47,495
which is not the case,
260
00:13:47,496 --> 00:13:50,331
I would still want to fix this
just to get you off my jock.
261
00:13:50,332 --> 00:13:51,750
I promise you.
262
00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:55,930
I think that was his way of
saying he cares what happens to us.
263
00:13:56,797 --> 00:13:58,006
Exactly.
264
00:13:58,007 --> 00:14:01,185
If you care about us, you should say it.
265
00:14:02,177 --> 00:14:03,552
Say you care about us.
266
00:14:03,553 --> 00:14:04,854
No.
267
00:14:05,472 --> 00:14:07,098
Say you love us.
268
00:14:07,099 --> 00:14:09,267
What? We're family in here.
269
00:14:09,268 --> 00:14:12,604
You love us and you're
gonna turn this thing around.
270
00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:14,031
Say it.
271
00:14:20,613 --> 00:14:22,155
I...
272
00:14:22,156 --> 00:14:23,406
I love you.
273
00:14:23,407 --> 00:14:25,334
That's more like it.
274
00:14:34,209 --> 00:14:37,420
Hi, I would like a kosher meal, please.
275
00:14:37,421 --> 00:14:38,922
We got beef, noodles and peas.
276
00:14:38,923 --> 00:14:40,632
It's a religious thing.
277
00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:44,853
Which means Uncle Sam says you
gotta provide it when asked for.
278
00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:46,930
That's actually true.
279
00:14:46,931 --> 00:14:49,265
Well, we don't have it.
280
00:14:49,266 --> 00:14:51,559
Kosher's in extra deep freeze.
281
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,813
Where it's been for months
because nobody ever asked for it
282
00:14:54,814 --> 00:14:58,692
when they were eating tasty,
nutritious Russian fusion.
283
00:14:58,693 --> 00:15:00,077
But now...
284
00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:03,372
this is what it's come to.
285
00:15:13,623 --> 00:15:15,968
Some tweaker wants kosher.
286
00:15:16,877 --> 00:15:20,588
We don't got enough to deal with
around here, now we got Jews?
287
00:15:20,589 --> 00:15:22,674
La Red says it's in the back.
288
00:15:42,277 --> 00:15:44,913
This actually looks pretty good.
289
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,127
No noodles. All peas.
290
00:15:53,413 --> 00:15:56,966
- You want cake?
- Just peas. Two milk.
291
00:16:31,118 --> 00:16:33,995
Food is to be eaten in the cafeteria.
292
00:16:33,996 --> 00:16:35,997
Yeah, totally. I'm just
running out real quick.
293
00:16:35,998 --> 00:16:37,791
- I'm gonna come right back.
- Really?
294
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:40,584
Or are you going to stash that
cake in your locker for later
295
00:16:40,585 --> 00:16:43,838
and then pretend you don't know
why there are roaches in B-Dorm?
296
00:16:43,839 --> 00:16:46,632
My dreams make me hungry.
297
00:17:39,728 --> 00:17:41,696
You know what sucks?
298
00:17:42,314 --> 00:17:45,399
Belonging to a race that doesn't
commit enough low-value crimes
299
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,735
to be relevant in a place like this.
300
00:17:47,736 --> 00:17:50,154
Where's my big, Asian prison family?
301
00:17:50,155 --> 00:17:52,073
You Scottish.
302
00:17:52,074 --> 00:17:53,950
Not to white people I'm not.
303
00:17:53,951 --> 00:17:55,784
One drop of ethnic blood and bam!
304
00:17:55,785 --> 00:17:58,787
I'm basically made in China,
like you and my toothbrush.
305
00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,549
You Scottish.
306
00:18:45,544 --> 00:18:47,461
_
307
00:18:47,462 --> 00:18:49,588
_
308
00:18:49,589 --> 00:18:52,591
_
309
00:18:52,592 --> 00:18:53,676
_
310
00:18:53,677 --> 00:18:55,887
_
311
00:18:55,888 --> 00:18:58,014
_
312
00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:03,895
_
313
00:19:03,896 --> 00:19:06,155
_
314
00:19:06,773 --> 00:19:08,066
_
315
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,650
_
316
00:19:09,651 --> 00:19:11,661
_
317
00:19:17,159 --> 00:19:19,836
_
318
00:19:20,329 --> 00:19:23,497
_
319
00:19:23,498 --> 00:19:25,416
_
320
00:19:25,417 --> 00:19:27,501
_
321
00:19:27,502 --> 00:19:30,046
_
322
00:19:30,047 --> 00:19:33,967
_
323
00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:36,885
_
324
00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:39,472
_
325
00:19:39,473 --> 00:19:41,900
_
326
00:19:43,018 --> 00:19:46,187
_
327
00:19:46,188 --> 00:19:48,990
_
328
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:57,406
_
329
00:19:57,407 --> 00:19:59,125
_
330
00:20:01,911 --> 00:20:03,621
_
331
00:20:03,622 --> 00:20:05,539
_
332
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:08,084
_
333
00:20:08,085 --> 00:20:10,044
_
334
00:20:10,045 --> 00:20:12,055
_
335
00:20:12,756 --> 00:20:14,433
_
336
00:20:21,431 --> 00:20:23,232
Come on, man. God damn.
337
00:20:23,725 --> 00:20:25,151
Ugh.
338
00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:27,603
God damn it!
339
00:20:29,689 --> 00:20:32,608
There's a one-legged chick out there
that's gonna be real grateful for that.
340
00:20:32,609 --> 00:20:34,986
Man, ain't you plannin' on
doing any sewin' while you here?
341
00:20:34,987 --> 00:20:38,039
I'll get to it. I'm like
the Flash with this shit.
342
00:20:38,573 --> 00:20:40,992
What page you gotta get to
before you see a Spanish girl?
343
00:20:40,993 --> 00:20:42,368
If you're talkin' about Latinas,
344
00:20:42,369 --> 00:20:45,371
there's, like, 20 different
countries that all look different.
345
00:20:45,372 --> 00:20:48,124
See this blond chick?
She could be Latina.
346
00:20:48,125 --> 00:20:49,500
- We don't know.
- Let me see.
347
00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:52,929
- Nah, she probably ain't though.
- No, probably not.
348
00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:56,340
Man, I gotta start running or something.
349
00:20:56,341 --> 00:20:58,717
Yeah, I ran all the time and
boys just thought I was weird.
350
00:20:58,718 --> 00:21:01,387
It's all Photoshopped anyway.
351
00:21:01,388 --> 00:21:05,933
Special lighting, tape and shit.
We're chasing an unachievable standard.
352
00:21:05,934 --> 00:21:07,643
I ain't chasin' nothin'.
353
00:21:07,644 --> 00:21:09,562
I'm a strong black woman,
354
00:21:09,563 --> 00:21:12,315
and we got a different standard
of beauty in our community.
355
00:21:12,316 --> 00:21:14,233
- Not true.
- Excuse me?
356
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:17,278
- Beyoncé.
- Uh-uh. Don't you say nothin' about Bey.
357
00:21:17,279 --> 00:21:21,324
She ain't out there with her nappy
hair and her plus-size dashiki, okay?
358
00:21:21,325 --> 00:21:22,450
She playing a white girl game.
359
00:21:22,451 --> 00:21:23,534
And she winnin'.
360
00:21:23,535 --> 00:21:27,205
Winnin'! And you provin'
my point exactly, Morticia.
361
00:21:27,206 --> 00:21:29,873
There are hella ways for
black women to be beautiful.
362
00:21:29,874 --> 00:21:32,844
- A white girl, though...
- Mmm-hmm.
363
00:21:32,919 --> 00:21:35,430
They just gotta be skinny.
364
00:21:35,714 --> 00:21:37,215
Ouch!
365
00:21:37,216 --> 00:21:41,009
Jesus H! That's the third time.
366
00:21:41,010 --> 00:21:43,596
Did you ever wear anything
like this, back in your day?
367
00:21:43,597 --> 00:21:45,723
- "In my day"?
- Mmm-hmm.
368
00:21:45,724 --> 00:21:47,100
That's kind of insulting.
369
00:21:47,101 --> 00:21:48,610
Sorry.
370
00:21:49,436 --> 00:21:52,646
In my day, I wore fuck all.
371
00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:56,743
You've either got to do it, or not.
372
00:21:57,694 --> 00:21:59,987
"Get to the banging."
373
00:21:59,988 --> 00:22:01,581
- Mmm.
- That's my philosophy.
374
00:22:02,699 --> 00:22:05,784
You know, I kinda like lingerie.
375
00:22:05,785 --> 00:22:08,871
I think it's less about
seducing someone else
376
00:22:08,872 --> 00:22:12,541
and more about feeling sexy yourself.
377
00:22:12,542 --> 00:22:14,252
I mean, I know it's ridiculous.
378
00:22:14,253 --> 00:22:17,263
But when it's not being
ridiculous, I think...
379
00:22:17,881 --> 00:22:20,684
I think it can make you feel...
380
00:22:22,511 --> 00:22:23,761
powerful.
381
00:22:26,265 --> 00:22:27,348
What?
382
00:22:27,349 --> 00:22:28,891
You should hear yourself.
383
00:22:28,892 --> 00:22:30,476
It's like, "Help! I'm a skinny hot girl,
384
00:22:30,477 --> 00:22:33,479
but I need a little something
extra to make me feel sexy."
385
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,440
If you knew me, you would know
I am definitely not the hot girl.
386
00:22:36,441 --> 00:22:37,941
"Help!
387
00:22:37,942 --> 00:22:42,655
The burden of my genetic perfection,
it's so heavy and so unfair."
388
00:22:42,656 --> 00:22:46,033
Genes are genes and they do not
take away from my God-given right
389
00:22:46,034 --> 00:22:48,952
to look in the mirror and
feel shitty about my thighs.
390
00:22:48,953 --> 00:22:53,123
You're tall and blond, and
your legs are up to your neck.
391
00:22:53,124 --> 00:22:55,510
Relax, enjoy it.
392
00:22:56,461 --> 00:22:59,297
I double majored in communications
and comparative literature.
393
00:22:59,298 --> 00:23:00,807
Of course you did.
394
00:23:01,550 --> 00:23:04,760
Why are Betties always going on
about how nerdy they really are?
395
00:23:04,761 --> 00:23:06,554
It's like, just fuckin'
own it, you know?
396
00:23:06,555 --> 00:23:08,681
Like when rich people
pretend they're not rich.
397
00:23:08,682 --> 00:23:09,973
Exactly.
398
00:23:09,974 --> 00:23:14,270
Maybe it's because Betties get
treated like they're... stupid.
399
00:23:14,271 --> 00:23:17,281
Well, then, don't be stupid.
400
00:23:18,483 --> 00:23:20,159
Women.
401
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:23,237
And you don't consider yourself
a member of that category?
402
00:23:23,238 --> 00:23:24,539
I do.
403
00:23:25,156 --> 00:23:28,585
But only because my options are limited.
404
00:23:34,874 --> 00:23:37,793
So I dive out the
window. I fall two floors.
405
00:23:37,794 --> 00:23:40,170
I land splat on the awning.
406
00:23:40,171 --> 00:23:44,925
Jump down, grab the delivery
guy's bicycle and scram.
407
00:23:44,926 --> 00:23:49,305
And that is how I became
the most wanted arsonist
408
00:23:49,306 --> 00:23:51,390
in Winter Park, Florida.
409
00:23:51,391 --> 00:23:53,517
Shit, that is intense.
410
00:23:53,518 --> 00:23:57,896
Well, you know, life is intense.
411
00:23:57,897 --> 00:24:00,274
Sometimes you need an escape route.
412
00:24:00,275 --> 00:24:02,693
Well, I guess that's
why we both love anime.
413
00:24:02,694 --> 00:24:05,571
Right! Who doesn't need
a break from reality?
414
00:24:05,572 --> 00:24:09,199
My prison reality. Your
suburban Connecticut reality.
415
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,119
Oh, last year I got into
such a huge fight at the Expo.
416
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:13,412
Some dude's like,
417
00:24:13,413 --> 00:24:15,498
"If you got a horn on your
head, you can't be Pegasus.
418
00:24:15,499 --> 00:24:16,832
Pegasus isn't a unicorn."
419
00:24:16,833 --> 00:24:19,126
And I'm like, "In Sailor
Moon he is, bitch!"
420
00:24:19,127 --> 00:24:20,544
That shit got crazy.
421
00:24:20,545 --> 00:24:22,755
Oh, what a bitch!
422
00:24:22,756 --> 00:24:25,341
Yeah. What's your favorite anime?
423
00:24:25,342 --> 00:24:28,344
Oh, it's very obscure, you
probably haven't heard of it.
424
00:24:29,429 --> 00:24:33,775
It's this animal-human hybrid thing.
425
00:24:34,393 --> 00:24:38,896
It's by an artist named Dayanara
Diaz. It's really out there.
426
00:24:38,897 --> 00:24:40,740
I'll have to check it out.
427
00:24:41,816 --> 00:24:43,108
I like you, Lorna.
428
00:24:43,109 --> 00:24:45,653
And I like you, too, Ron.
429
00:24:45,654 --> 00:24:49,573
I'll be honest with you, the last
girl I met in this prison pen pal thing
430
00:24:49,574 --> 00:24:53,461
turned out to be... a little heavier.
431
00:24:53,912 --> 00:24:56,289
And... I don't go for that.
432
00:24:56,290 --> 00:24:59,708
But you've got a normal BMI
and a very symmetrical face.
433
00:24:59,709 --> 00:25:02,261
Oh, stop.
434
00:25:03,463 --> 00:25:06,757
MCC appreciates your honest feedback.
435
00:25:06,758 --> 00:25:10,061
We strive for excellence. Thank you.
436
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,767
So now you're ignoring me, hmm?
437
00:25:16,768 --> 00:25:19,570
My son used to do this when he was five.
438
00:25:21,940 --> 00:25:24,117
You tried to play me, Red.
439
00:25:25,444 --> 00:25:27,403
You were insincere,
440
00:25:27,404 --> 00:25:31,782
and you capitalized on my sensitivities.
441
00:25:31,783 --> 00:25:36,087
I want the kitchen back.
What other choice did I have?
442
00:25:37,038 --> 00:25:38,747
You could've asked me nicely.
443
00:25:38,748 --> 00:25:41,334
Aw, and that would have worked?
444
00:25:41,335 --> 00:25:42,668
Possibly.
445
00:25:42,669 --> 00:25:45,221
I'm a person. We're people.
446
00:25:46,715 --> 00:25:49,684
No one in here is people.
447
00:25:50,510 --> 00:25:53,887
You think this is a normal relationship?
448
00:25:53,888 --> 00:25:55,806
Human to human?
449
00:25:55,807 --> 00:25:59,402
I take advantage, you
get your feelings hurt.
450
00:26:00,937 --> 00:26:04,073
You forget that when
you leave here tonight,
451
00:26:04,399 --> 00:26:07,025
you lock me in behind you.
452
00:26:07,026 --> 00:26:10,204
Hey, I don't make the rules.
453
00:26:11,155 --> 00:26:13,616
You take a woman's power away.
454
00:26:13,617 --> 00:26:17,870
Her work, her family, her currency.
455
00:26:17,871 --> 00:26:20,173
You leave her with one coin...
456
00:26:21,082 --> 00:26:23,125
the one she was born with.
457
00:26:23,126 --> 00:26:26,294
It may be tawdry and demeaning,
458
00:26:26,295 --> 00:26:29,974
but if she has to, she will spend it.
459
00:26:35,555 --> 00:26:37,732
But you're right.
460
00:26:38,099 --> 00:26:40,902
Your feelings count, too.
461
00:26:53,407 --> 00:26:56,492
I mean, you couldn't give a
guy a heads-up on this fiasco?
462
00:26:56,493 --> 00:27:00,254
I got COs up my ass
like a lemon-juice enema.
463
00:27:00,872 --> 00:27:03,832
Oh, like your mom never
did it to you? Come on.
464
00:27:03,833 --> 00:27:06,502
But I should have told you.
465
00:27:06,503 --> 00:27:09,254
One of those things. You know,
you get the call from upstairs...
466
00:27:09,255 --> 00:27:12,257
I probably found out five
minutes before you did.
467
00:27:12,258 --> 00:27:14,009
Yeah, well, it stinks.
468
00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:16,595
Yeah, well, I 100% get
why these guys are upset.
469
00:27:16,596 --> 00:27:18,263
But, on the other hand, you know,
470
00:27:18,264 --> 00:27:20,974
keeping tabs on that
many inmates takes a toll.
471
00:27:20,975 --> 00:27:25,103
These guys, uh, they start
making mistakes, you know.
472
00:27:25,104 --> 00:27:27,773
Cutting hours gives
these guys some down time.
473
00:27:27,774 --> 00:27:29,817
They rest up, they come in fresh...
474
00:27:29,818 --> 00:27:32,778
Yeah, to a job they no
longer give two shits about
475
00:27:32,779 --> 00:27:35,906
'cause you cut their benefits
and they're making bubkes.
476
00:27:35,907 --> 00:27:38,835
Good point, good point, you know, but...
477
00:27:40,286 --> 00:27:42,120
Between you and me,
478
00:27:42,121 --> 00:27:45,082
I'm not too happy about this
whole thing, either. I mean...
479
00:27:45,083 --> 00:27:47,960
You obviously know more
about Litchfield than anybody.
480
00:27:47,961 --> 00:27:51,464
Who should be calling the shots?
You or some fucking corporate bigwig?
481
00:27:51,465 --> 00:27:54,717
The ad says all you need to
apply is a GED and no felonies.
482
00:27:54,718 --> 00:27:56,719
I mean, they really
think that's all it takes?
483
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,438
Although, Luschek, am I right?
484
00:28:00,724 --> 00:28:04,110
Yeah, I don't know how that happened.
485
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,523
I gotta tell you, Pearson, the last
few years have been a rough ride.
486
00:28:09,524 --> 00:28:11,575
I've been through the shit.
487
00:28:12,276 --> 00:28:13,870
Can we get two more of these?
488
00:28:15,489 --> 00:28:16,572
I tell you what.
489
00:28:16,573 --> 00:28:21,494
The applications have been
coming to me, which is crazy.
490
00:28:21,495 --> 00:28:24,955
You should be doing the hiring.
You know exactly what you need.
491
00:28:24,956 --> 00:28:28,509
Who knows, maybe you'll find
some hidden gems in there.
492
00:28:30,545 --> 00:28:32,337
I guess you never know.
493
00:28:32,338 --> 00:28:34,891
Yeah. That's the spirit.
494
00:28:38,470 --> 00:28:40,095
My neck is fuckin' killing me.
495
00:28:40,096 --> 00:28:42,606
Hell yeah. Sewing is no joke.
496
00:28:44,518 --> 00:28:48,145
Uh... Hey, what you got on your tray?
497
00:28:48,146 --> 00:28:51,649
Eggs and some kind of tomato sauce.
498
00:28:51,650 --> 00:28:54,735
I did not see no eggs
up there. You see eggs?
499
00:28:54,736 --> 00:28:56,069
Mmm-mmm. I did not see eggs.
500
00:28:56,070 --> 00:28:57,696
It's kosher. You gotta ask for it.
501
00:28:57,697 --> 00:29:01,283
"Kosher"? Like some pickles, "kosher"?
502
00:29:01,284 --> 00:29:03,952
No, there's all these
Jewish laws about food.
503
00:29:03,953 --> 00:29:06,830
Kosher means they obeyed all the laws.
504
00:29:06,831 --> 00:29:08,382
They make it special.
505
00:29:08,792 --> 00:29:10,626
Well, you don't look Jewish to me.
506
00:29:10,627 --> 00:29:13,295
I'm Lutheran. From Norway.
507
00:29:13,296 --> 00:29:17,007
But they're not allowed to ask you
about that on account of the Holocaust,
508
00:29:17,008 --> 00:29:18,893
so I don't say shit.
509
00:29:19,636 --> 00:29:20,937
Ugh.
510
00:29:21,429 --> 00:29:23,556
Uh-uh. This changes everything.
511
00:29:23,557 --> 00:29:27,392
My back is in spasm and
all of my fingers hurt.
512
00:29:27,393 --> 00:29:29,603
Wait, have you been cheating on me?
513
00:29:29,604 --> 00:29:32,615
I have been touching many panties.
514
00:29:33,399 --> 00:29:36,911
Which reminds me. I
brought you a souvenir.
515
00:29:38,780 --> 00:29:40,405
Meet your new bunkie.
516
00:29:40,406 --> 00:29:43,491
She's damaged in all the right
ways and has big naturals.
517
00:29:43,492 --> 00:29:44,952
I call her Lola.
518
00:29:44,953 --> 00:29:47,088
You get everything about me.
519
00:29:48,957 --> 00:29:50,749
Whoa! Hold up.
520
00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:53,043
These bras cost $90?
521
00:29:53,044 --> 00:29:55,212
I know, right? And I get
45 cents to make them.
522
00:29:55,213 --> 00:29:56,797
It's basically slave labor.
523
00:29:56,798 --> 00:29:58,340
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
524
00:29:58,341 --> 00:30:00,551
You do not get to say
what's slavery, okay?
525
00:30:00,552 --> 00:30:02,427
- Mmm-mmm.
- I get to say what's slavery.
526
00:30:02,428 --> 00:30:04,387
And PS, technically,
527
00:30:04,388 --> 00:30:06,431
- it's more like indentured servitude.
- Mmm-hmm.
528
00:30:06,432 --> 00:30:08,391
Y'all don't know about that slave life.
529
00:30:08,392 --> 00:30:11,854
We makin' a dollar an hour. That's
like 10 times what we got before.
530
00:30:11,855 --> 00:30:15,440
But the other jobs are
about prison upkeep.
531
00:30:15,441 --> 00:30:18,161
The Whispers people
are profiting from this.
532
00:30:18,737 --> 00:30:21,164
- I'm okay with that.
- Mmm-hmm. Me too.
533
00:30:22,198 --> 00:30:23,657
Your oatmeal's getting cold.
534
00:30:23,658 --> 00:30:25,909
Do you know anything about birds?
535
00:30:25,910 --> 00:30:27,494
What, like birds in general?
536
00:30:27,495 --> 00:30:28,704
Anything.
537
00:30:28,705 --> 00:30:31,999
Well, owls eat whole mice
and then throw up the bones.
538
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:33,541
- Mmm-hmm.
- Big Bird is yellow,
539
00:30:33,542 --> 00:30:36,837
coq Au vin is delicious,
540
00:30:36,838 --> 00:30:38,714
and you're being crazy right now.
541
00:30:38,715 --> 00:30:40,934
Oh, everybody needs a hobby.
542
00:30:41,509 --> 00:30:45,428
Morello, think about the kind of
guys who write to women in prison.
543
00:30:45,429 --> 00:30:48,807
I mean, if you want a boyfriend, you
might wanna fish in a different pool.
544
00:30:48,808 --> 00:30:51,977
No, no, no, no, no.
It is not about that.
545
00:30:51,978 --> 00:30:54,187
It is a straight up moneymaking thing.
546
00:30:54,188 --> 00:30:56,231
You get one of these bozos on the hook,
547
00:30:56,232 --> 00:31:00,027
and they are just throwing money
in your commissary, throwing it in.
548
00:31:00,028 --> 00:31:02,237
All right. Well, if that's all it is.
549
00:31:02,238 --> 00:31:03,614
But you don't have to do this.
550
00:31:03,615 --> 00:31:06,533
I mean, Chapman's hauling
in so much bank now,
551
00:31:06,534 --> 00:31:08,711
she's gonna buy us all a pony.
552
00:32:05,384 --> 00:32:06,802
_
553
00:32:54,225 --> 00:32:55,526
Uh-oh.
554
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,311
Not cool.
555
00:32:58,312 --> 00:33:00,364
Throw it back.
556
00:33:03,526 --> 00:33:05,453
What a dick.
557
00:33:09,532 --> 00:33:14,661
_
558
00:33:14,662 --> 00:33:17,923
_
559
00:33:21,460 --> 00:33:23,253
_
560
00:33:23,254 --> 00:33:25,380
_
561
00:33:25,381 --> 00:33:27,183
_
562
00:33:27,801 --> 00:33:31,354
_
563
00:33:35,224 --> 00:33:37,568
_
564
00:33:38,311 --> 00:33:40,020
_
565
00:33:40,021 --> 00:33:42,230
_
566
00:33:42,231 --> 00:33:43,616
_
567
00:33:44,108 --> 00:33:46,318
_
568
00:33:46,319 --> 00:33:49,654
_
569
00:33:49,655 --> 00:33:52,083
_
570
00:33:53,326 --> 00:33:59,081
_
571
00:33:59,082 --> 00:34:03,751
_
572
00:34:03,752 --> 00:34:05,253
_
573
00:34:05,254 --> 00:34:09,933
_
574
00:34:11,677 --> 00:34:14,221
_
575
00:34:14,222 --> 00:34:17,432
_
576
00:34:17,433 --> 00:34:19,360
_
577
00:34:20,061 --> 00:34:21,945
_
578
00:34:25,233 --> 00:34:27,118
_
579
00:34:29,863 --> 00:34:30,988
Ah! Ni Kan.
580
00:34:30,989 --> 00:34:32,540
_
581
00:34:46,712 --> 00:34:49,464
Hey, Park, I thought you died.
582
00:34:49,465 --> 00:34:51,684
Just get your shit, man.
583
00:34:54,428 --> 00:34:57,523
Big turtles. Venezuela.
584
00:35:00,684 --> 00:35:02,110
Okay.
585
00:35:17,576 --> 00:35:18,743
_
586
00:35:18,744 --> 00:35:20,287
_
587
00:35:20,288 --> 00:35:22,089
Huh? Shenme?
588
00:35:45,396 --> 00:35:47,240
_
589
00:35:49,067 --> 00:35:53,621
_
590
00:35:57,325 --> 00:35:59,502
_
591
00:36:00,453 --> 00:36:02,380
_
592
00:36:07,043 --> 00:36:12,214
So my new applicant pool is basically
the cast of fucking Animal House.
593
00:36:12,215 --> 00:36:15,142
I'd cry for you, but
I'm all out of Kleenex.
594
00:36:15,759 --> 00:36:18,720
I gotta play the game, okay?
Look at what they send me.
595
00:36:18,721 --> 00:36:23,058
This guy's total work experience,
seven months in a Radio Shack
596
00:36:23,059 --> 00:36:25,477
that he ended up leaving
for "creative differences,"
597
00:36:25,478 --> 00:36:28,406
which probably means
he's got a Nazi tattoo.
598
00:36:29,232 --> 00:36:30,440
Look, this guy,
599
00:36:30,441 --> 00:36:33,526
he answered, "Have you ever
been convicted of a felony?"
600
00:36:33,527 --> 00:36:35,278
with, "It's complicated."
601
00:36:35,279 --> 00:36:39,866
Hey, you know who has a ton of
work experience and a clean record
602
00:36:39,867 --> 00:36:42,035
and who wants a job here?
603
00:36:42,036 --> 00:36:45,756
Fucking me. I even have
a uniform and everything.
604
00:36:48,001 --> 00:36:50,210
Let's get through this, Maxwell.
605
00:36:50,211 --> 00:36:52,295
I'm gonna show them that I'm a good pawn
606
00:36:52,296 --> 00:36:53,588
and that I'm willing to play ball.
607
00:36:53,589 --> 00:36:55,090
And then in a few months, I tell them,
608
00:36:55,091 --> 00:36:59,812
"Look, we tried it your way.
Now, I need my guys full-time."
609
00:37:00,804 --> 00:37:02,856
I miss Fig.
610
00:37:04,517 --> 00:37:06,860
Right. Right.
611
00:37:08,021 --> 00:37:10,688
Send one of these
jokers back to my office.
612
00:37:10,689 --> 00:37:11,773
Which one?
613
00:37:11,774 --> 00:37:13,409
Thrill me.
614
00:37:14,735 --> 00:37:16,861
Hey! Hey, boss man.
615
00:37:16,862 --> 00:37:18,821
I got interviews, Healy.
616
00:37:18,822 --> 00:37:21,459
With those yahoos in the lobby? Yikes.
617
00:37:21,950 --> 00:37:24,036
I don't envy your job today.
618
00:37:24,037 --> 00:37:25,828
I've never felt closer to you.
619
00:37:25,829 --> 00:37:31,084
Hey, listen, I don't know what else
these MCC goons got up their sleeve,
620
00:37:31,085 --> 00:37:33,961
but I want you to know I
got full confidence in you.
621
00:37:33,962 --> 00:37:37,840
I know you're doing the best
that you can. I can see that.
622
00:37:37,841 --> 00:37:39,009
Thank you.
623
00:37:39,010 --> 00:37:41,469
Us old-timers gotta
stick together, okay?
624
00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:43,564
I got your back all the way.
625
00:37:46,059 --> 00:37:47,818
I appreciate that.
626
00:37:48,811 --> 00:37:50,812
Good luck, all right?
627
00:37:50,813 --> 00:37:54,450
Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor and
sign this real quick for me.
628
00:37:59,238 --> 00:38:01,239
You want Reznikov back in the kitchen?
629
00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:03,491
She was running a whole
black market outta there.
630
00:38:03,492 --> 00:38:04,742
Yeah, but that wasn't proven.
631
00:38:04,743 --> 00:38:06,369
And we got all new
vendors in the kitchen now.
632
00:38:06,370 --> 00:38:10,123
And don't forget, we just lost
Gonzales to the underwear people.
633
00:38:10,124 --> 00:38:11,791
I don't know. I don't know, Healy.
634
00:38:11,792 --> 00:38:12,875
I'll keep an eye on her.
635
00:38:12,876 --> 00:38:16,129
She'll start off in the bottom,
washing dishes, doing the onions.
636
00:38:16,130 --> 00:38:18,265
We got a lot bigger problems, here, man.
637
00:38:21,594 --> 00:38:24,346
Do not mistake my kindness
for weakness, Counselor.
638
00:38:25,514 --> 00:38:28,526
I'll keep that in mind. Side Boob!
639
00:38:49,788 --> 00:38:51,089
Huh.
640
00:38:51,290 --> 00:38:52,925
Uh, Mr. Brand?
641
00:38:53,876 --> 00:38:58,880
You know, if you smush these patterns
just a little bit closer together,
642
00:38:58,881 --> 00:39:03,301
you can actually get an extra
Lacy Low-Rider Indiscretion bikini
643
00:39:03,302 --> 00:39:05,387
from the same piece of fabric.
644
00:39:05,388 --> 00:39:08,190
Thanks for your advice, inmate.
645
00:39:08,849 --> 00:39:10,776
It was really more of an observation.
646
00:39:11,144 --> 00:39:16,031
Let's just assume that Whispers Inc.
knows how they want to make panties, okay?
647
00:39:19,277 --> 00:39:20,443
See?
648
00:39:20,444 --> 00:39:24,415
Even C-minus-looking
people can be stupid.
649
00:39:32,165 --> 00:39:33,498
You closin' up?
650
00:39:33,499 --> 00:39:34,957
I got time for one more.
651
00:39:34,958 --> 00:39:36,594
I need my neck shaved.
652
00:39:37,044 --> 00:39:39,546
No one ever wants
anything fun around here.
653
00:39:39,547 --> 00:39:40,922
I'm guessing fun, to you,
654
00:39:40,923 --> 00:39:43,675
means a 2-foot poufy thing
with a birdcage in it?
655
00:39:43,676 --> 00:39:47,929
And what would be so terrible about that?
I mean, especially in a place like this.
656
00:39:47,930 --> 00:39:51,391
We could use some... some
originality, some sass.
657
00:39:51,392 --> 00:39:54,152
Mmm-mmm. Not getting
noticed is my main goal.
658
00:39:54,770 --> 00:39:57,980
Sass is what lands you in Seg.
659
00:39:57,981 --> 00:39:59,732
I feel that.
660
00:39:59,733 --> 00:40:02,109
Really? 'Cause you doin' the opposite.
661
00:40:02,110 --> 00:40:05,613
You got this whole thing going
on, the hair, the makeup...
662
00:40:05,614 --> 00:40:09,534
I mean, who has the energy to
go full MAC counter every day?
663
00:40:09,535 --> 00:40:14,622
Listen, after all I went through to
be me, I'm not about to let shit slide.
664
00:40:14,623 --> 00:40:18,251
Yeah, but you all up in our face
with it, like all blown out and shit.
665
00:40:18,252 --> 00:40:20,378
Look, if you wanted to
look like a real woman,
666
00:40:20,379 --> 00:40:24,850
you would let your roots grow out
and get some bags under your eyes.
667
00:40:25,926 --> 00:40:29,387
You know, historically,
me and reality...
668
00:40:29,388 --> 00:40:30,930
not friends.
669
00:40:30,931 --> 00:40:32,724
Mmm. You got me there.
670
00:40:32,725 --> 00:40:36,311
This one time, I'm getting on
the Metro-North to head home,
671
00:40:36,312 --> 00:40:37,770
and this mouth-breather,
672
00:40:37,771 --> 00:40:39,814
this mouth-breather
comes right up behind me
673
00:40:39,815 --> 00:40:40,982
and smacks me on the ass.
674
00:40:40,983 --> 00:40:43,318
- And I'm thinking...
- I'm sorry, could you go back a second
675
00:40:43,319 --> 00:40:45,788
to the part where you're
on the Metro-North?
676
00:40:46,029 --> 00:40:47,113
What about it?
677
00:40:47,114 --> 00:40:49,532
- Where you live?
- Yonkers.
678
00:40:49,533 --> 00:40:51,826
Childhood home of Mary
J. Blige and Anthrax.
679
00:40:51,827 --> 00:40:55,705
You know that my son, you
know, Benny, he's in the Bronx.
680
00:40:55,706 --> 00:40:56,831
Mmm-hmm.
681
00:40:56,832 --> 00:40:58,082
Yeah.
682
00:40:58,083 --> 00:41:00,167
You think that maybe, um...
683
00:41:00,168 --> 00:41:03,170
he could ride up here
sometimes with your wife?
684
00:41:03,171 --> 00:41:04,339
You know, for visitation.
685
00:41:04,340 --> 00:41:07,059
'Cause he could take
the bus to their house.
686
00:41:08,636 --> 00:41:10,353
I'll ask her.
687
00:41:13,140 --> 00:41:14,932
I'm feeling sassier already.
688
00:41:14,933 --> 00:41:17,069
Mmm-hmm?
689
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,447
Glad you could come
out for a real visit?
690
00:41:21,148 --> 00:41:22,908
Nice drive.
691
00:41:24,026 --> 00:41:28,205
First time in prison's always
weird. You must feel like a starling.
692
00:41:29,031 --> 00:41:30,782
A what now?
693
00:41:30,783 --> 00:41:32,700
A common starling.
694
00:41:32,701 --> 00:41:34,952
You know, how they
weren't native to America
695
00:41:34,953 --> 00:41:37,705
and then that guy
Eugene brought them over,
696
00:41:37,706 --> 00:41:40,467
'cause he wanted it to be
like Shakespeare's time.
697
00:41:42,085 --> 00:41:44,137
Right, sure.
698
00:41:46,089 --> 00:41:49,676
I think I saw a hermit
thrush, yesterday.
699
00:41:49,677 --> 00:41:52,938
At least, I think it was a hermit
thrush. It was all by itself.
700
00:41:53,556 --> 00:41:55,357
My uncle had a parakeet.
701
00:41:56,224 --> 00:41:59,778
Knew how to swear in Italian,
but he shit all over the house.
702
00:42:03,357 --> 00:42:06,243
You're not that into birds, are you?
703
00:42:07,235 --> 00:42:11,164
Got nothing against them, but
mostly I'm into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
704
00:42:11,907 --> 00:42:13,458
Like I wrote you.
705
00:42:13,826 --> 00:42:17,662
Oh, sure, Jiu-Jitsu.
Everybody loves Jiu-Jitsu.
706
00:42:17,663 --> 00:42:19,297
It's delicious.
707
00:42:22,501 --> 00:42:24,377
You wanna tell me what's going on here?
708
00:42:24,378 --> 00:42:27,464
No, nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on.
It was just a little misunderstanding...
709
00:42:27,465 --> 00:42:29,006
You think I'm some bird guy?
710
00:42:29,007 --> 00:42:30,758
- No.
- What is this? Is this a scam?
711
00:42:30,759 --> 00:42:32,427
Trying to get money or something?
712
00:42:32,428 --> 00:42:33,720
No, no, no, no, no!
It's not about money...
713
00:42:33,721 --> 00:42:35,096
I'm supposed to believe that?
714
00:42:35,097 --> 00:42:38,233
You're the top contract killer
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
715
00:42:39,226 --> 00:42:41,060
Look...
716
00:42:41,061 --> 00:42:43,813
the only person that cared about me,
717
00:42:43,814 --> 00:42:46,700
they took her away to Max.
718
00:42:47,901 --> 00:42:49,912
And I'm so lonely.
719
00:42:50,112 --> 00:42:54,657
And I thought, if I
wrote to enough people,
720
00:42:54,658 --> 00:42:58,170
then maybe I would
find somebody and, oh...
721
00:42:58,996 --> 00:43:02,174
I watched so much Discovery Channel.
722
00:43:11,592 --> 00:43:13,101
Hold up, hey.
723
00:43:14,011 --> 00:43:15,395
Hey.
724
00:43:18,349 --> 00:43:21,276
I don't care how many
other guys you wrote.
725
00:43:21,894 --> 00:43:24,655
I'm just glad I get to meet you.
726
00:43:28,984 --> 00:43:34,447
"I'm glad you confronted me
about your feelings, Gina-bo-bina.
727
00:43:34,448 --> 00:43:39,536
I see now that the way
I treated you was wrong."
728
00:43:39,537 --> 00:43:41,629
"Thank you, Mom.
729
00:43:41,955 --> 00:43:45,676
I feel so much better
about our relationship.
730
00:43:46,377 --> 00:43:49,429
If you weren't dead, I'd hug you."
731
00:43:50,130 --> 00:43:54,351
"I think you forgot that
anything is possible...
732
00:43:55,719 --> 00:43:58,105
in your imagination."
733
00:43:59,264 --> 00:44:00,941
You hug. You hug.
734
00:44:02,017 --> 00:44:03,401
Oh.
735
00:44:05,771 --> 00:44:07,939
Very nice, ladies.
736
00:44:07,940 --> 00:44:11,693
And a big hand to Gina who shared
a piece of her life with us.
737
00:44:13,612 --> 00:44:16,573
Dead is dead is gone forever.
738
00:44:16,574 --> 00:44:19,116
You don't say that you
can still give hugs.
739
00:44:19,117 --> 00:44:20,878
It's irresponsible.
740
00:44:21,787 --> 00:44:22,870
Because you can't.
741
00:44:22,871 --> 00:44:25,707
You regularly talk to a mop.
742
00:44:25,708 --> 00:44:26,916
Burn!
743
00:44:26,917 --> 00:44:28,468
Okay.
744
00:44:28,711 --> 00:44:30,095
Okay.
745
00:44:32,089 --> 00:44:33,807
You did great.
746
00:44:34,675 --> 00:44:36,268
Who's next?
747
00:44:39,262 --> 00:44:41,481
Come on...
748
00:44:42,057 --> 00:44:44,317
Anyone?
749
00:44:56,530 --> 00:44:58,165
Ahh!
750
00:45:04,747 --> 00:45:06,089
Ahh!
751
00:45:12,838 --> 00:45:15,498
_
752
00:45:15,674 --> 00:45:19,602
_
753
00:45:20,345 --> 00:45:21,897
_
754
00:45:23,223 --> 00:45:24,557
_
755
00:45:24,558 --> 00:45:28,821
_
756
00:45:33,066 --> 00:45:35,777
"Cut out his gall bladder!"
757
00:45:35,778 --> 00:45:38,613
"Please, no! I was dummy.
758
00:45:38,614 --> 00:45:40,907
I made big mistake.
759
00:45:40,908 --> 00:45:44,994
You are strong and
beautiful, like a horse.
760
00:45:44,995 --> 00:45:46,788
Please, forgive me."
761
00:45:50,208 --> 00:45:52,385
"Too late for sorry, now.
762
00:45:54,922 --> 00:45:56,806
Kill him!"
763
00:45:57,090 --> 00:46:02,437
"I must die now for
being the worst person.
764
00:46:02,763 --> 00:46:05,983
I accept your wisdom.
765
00:46:06,684 --> 00:46:08,318
Girl power."
766
00:46:18,028 --> 00:46:21,322
"And now I eat his..."
767
00:46:21,323 --> 00:46:24,325
Okay, I don't feel comfortable
saying this. It's disgusting.
768
00:46:24,326 --> 00:46:26,327
Okay, okay. We can stop here.
769
00:46:26,328 --> 00:46:29,205
I did say to re-imagine
old resentments,
770
00:46:29,206 --> 00:46:32,050
but I think you took this a
little too far to be constructive.
771
00:46:33,001 --> 00:46:34,210
I liked it.
772
00:46:44,847 --> 00:46:46,314
All fake.
773
00:46:46,932 --> 00:46:48,400
Showbiz.
774
00:46:48,934 --> 00:46:51,111
Yeah, see...
775
00:46:57,484 --> 00:46:59,485
Hey, Big Talkin' Missy.
776
00:46:59,486 --> 00:47:01,570
Out of the kitchen, into the sweatshop.
777
00:47:01,571 --> 00:47:03,405
Turns out your mobility
ain't so upwards, huh?
778
00:47:03,406 --> 00:47:05,282
Fuck off, Ruiz.
779
00:47:05,283 --> 00:47:07,326
At least my hair doesn't
smell like a deep fryer.
780
00:47:08,578 --> 00:47:11,631
Uh-uh. I'm gonna eat one of them
kosher meals y'all got back there.
781
00:47:12,457 --> 00:47:13,582
You ain't even Jewish.
782
00:47:13,583 --> 00:47:15,969
You think you know my life?
783
00:47:16,712 --> 00:47:19,130
- Fine.
- Yeah.
784
00:47:19,131 --> 00:47:21,058
Shabbat shalom, bitch.
785
00:47:22,009 --> 00:47:24,385
How much longer you gonna stay mad?
786
00:47:24,386 --> 00:47:27,972
Man, do you know how hard it is to
get a squirrel into a laundry bag?
787
00:47:27,973 --> 00:47:29,515
No.
788
00:47:29,516 --> 00:47:32,351
I took it a little too
far, hooch jacking you.
789
00:47:32,352 --> 00:47:35,730
But you was pissin' and
settin' traps like Elmer Fudd.
790
00:47:35,731 --> 00:47:38,408
Man, the shit was funny.
791
00:47:41,569 --> 00:47:44,113
But also, I was worried about you.
792
00:47:44,114 --> 00:47:46,323
Well, you know, if I
was worried about you,
793
00:47:46,324 --> 00:47:48,785
I'd have made you some
goddamn soup or something.
794
00:47:48,786 --> 00:47:50,545
Excellent point.
795
00:47:51,163 --> 00:47:53,706
But you think you might want to
cut down on the sauce, though?
796
00:47:53,707 --> 00:47:55,624
Like, just to make sure you can?
797
00:47:55,625 --> 00:47:58,210
- I ain't hurtin' nobody.
- Um...
798
00:47:58,211 --> 00:48:01,088
Excuse me, Miss Poussey?
This is your liver speakin'...
799
00:48:01,089 --> 00:48:03,891
It just makes me feel better, okay?
800
00:48:05,552 --> 00:48:07,980
It makes me feel like
I can get through this.
801
00:48:11,016 --> 00:48:12,650
Come with me to AA.
802
00:48:13,060 --> 00:48:14,894
Come on, man. It'll be fun.
803
00:48:14,895 --> 00:48:17,063
You ain't even a addict!
804
00:48:17,064 --> 00:48:20,399
You just make up crazy stories
about shit that ain't even happened.
805
00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:21,525
- So?
- And then everybody
806
00:48:21,526 --> 00:48:23,778
gotta listen to you. It's
your personal open mic night.
807
00:48:23,779 --> 00:48:27,990
Well, instead of poetry slam,
it's like poetry slammer.
808
00:48:27,991 --> 00:48:29,116
No.
809
00:48:29,117 --> 00:48:32,119
Come on, like, "Give us, us freestyle."
810
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:34,831
Oh, you pullin' out
the Amistad, now. Damn.
811
00:48:38,585 --> 00:48:41,929
I just feel like this
place is beatin' me down.
812
00:48:44,382 --> 00:48:47,551
I don't need no audience to talk at.
813
00:48:50,472 --> 00:48:52,857
I need a girlfriend.
814
00:48:54,935 --> 00:48:56,903
Like, a real one.
815
00:48:57,479 --> 00:48:58,863
You know?
816
00:49:01,734 --> 00:49:03,160
Love.
817
00:49:07,072 --> 00:49:11,492
MCC is looking to train you
for your job on the outside.
818
00:49:11,493 --> 00:49:13,878
See human resources.
819
00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:24,347
No!
820
00:49:28,761 --> 00:49:31,137
O'Neill, I hired a new guard.
821
00:49:31,138 --> 00:49:32,764
First of many.
822
00:49:32,765 --> 00:49:36,276
And I'm gonna need you
guys to show him the ropes.
823
00:49:38,061 --> 00:49:40,072
Help yourself.
824
00:49:44,151 --> 00:49:46,318
Red velvet is shit.
825
00:49:52,700 --> 00:49:57,124
You like Bo Derek. Tarzan, 1981.
826
00:49:58,829 --> 00:50:01,882
Please pretend that you
didn't just see this.
827
00:50:03,276 --> 00:50:05,403
I don't see nothing.
828
00:50:05,404 --> 00:50:07,914
I just wanted to feel pretty.
829
00:50:16,456 --> 00:50:18,132
Chang?
830
00:50:20,669 --> 00:50:23,722
I'm... sorry about the other day.
831
00:50:25,549 --> 00:50:27,892
Thank you, lesbian.
832
00:50:35,850 --> 00:50:38,903
_
833
00:50:45,401 --> 00:50:49,372
_
834
00:50:49,989 --> 00:50:52,491
_
835
00:50:52,492 --> 00:50:54,452
_
836
00:50:54,453 --> 00:50:56,755
_
837
00:50:59,624 --> 00:51:01,300
_
838
00:51:04,963 --> 00:51:06,639
_
839
00:51:08,132 --> 00:51:09,424
Mei!
840
00:51:09,425 --> 00:51:11,102
_
841
00:51:12,887 --> 00:51:14,898
_
842
00:51:17,892 --> 00:51:19,527
_
843
00:51:20,979 --> 00:51:22,781
_
844
00:51:24,858 --> 00:51:26,149
No!
845
00:51:52,343 --> 00:51:55,354
Ay, coño. Hey! Cuidado.
846
00:52:06,232 --> 00:52:07,951
I'm back.
847
00:52:08,150 --> 00:52:09,913
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded
848
00:52:09,938 --> 00:52:10,070
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849
00:52:10,071 --> 00:52:10,204
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850
00:52:10,205 --> 00:52:10,337
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851
00:52:10,338 --> 00:52:10,470
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852
00:52:10,471 --> 00:52:10,604
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853
00:52:10,605 --> 00:52:10,737
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854
00:52:10,738 --> 00:52:10,870
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855
00:52:10,871 --> 00:52:11,004
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856
00:52:11,005 --> 00:52:11,137
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857
00:52:11,138 --> 00:52:11,270
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858
00:52:11,271 --> 00:52:11,404
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859
00:52:11,405 --> 00:52:11,537
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860
00:52:11,538 --> 00:52:11,670
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861
00:52:11,671 --> 00:52:11,804
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862
00:52:11,805 --> 00:52:21,838
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