Ripped By mstoll
- The big guns. - Think they're so boss 'cause they wear suits.
Stupid SIS. Why are they even here?
Well, a stabbing and a slocking back to back- It's turned into fuckin' Rikers around here.
You know they're gonna grill the COs as hard as the inmates.
Those dicks are all dyin' to nail us.
Gentlemen. Good morning.
Welcome to Litchfield.
Enjoy your stay.
Kiss-ass.
Gentlemen, nice to see you. Uh, Captain Joe Caputo.
- Morning. - Morning.
Uh, I thought we could meet in my office...
and go over the details of the incident before you begin your investigation.
Uh, we report to Ms. Figueroa.
Right. Well, I believe I can provide more information.
Ms. Figueroa wasn't on campus that evening.
We have instructions to meet with her exclusively.
We'll interview you along with the other COs when the time comes.
Sure. Sure. I-I'll show you to her office.
Some coffee would be great too.
Light. Two sugars.
I guess it could be worse.
Back in the day...
they would have us out on some back road breaking rocks.
Yeah. On the other hand, Paulie in Goodfellas had the joint wired...
cookin' big-ass dinners every night.
Italians have weird shit with their mothers.
They, like, live with them for way too long.
We all got weird shit with our mamas.
Hey. What you gonna say when they ask you about Red?
That I didn't see shit, 'cause I didn't see shit.
- But come on. You know who did it. - Mm-mmm.
Oh, my gosh. Who? Who?
Damn, you can't be doin' that shit.
I got a family history of heart attacks.
I'm sorry. I'm- I'm sorry. Huh?
I just came to check on the family business.
You know, we gotta keep these accounts full, right?
And then you began to chat.
Italians do love their mamas.
So.
Is there something you want to ask me?
- Mm-mmm. - Nope.
Shit, I'm-a answer anyway.
Yes.
Vee, you know we ain't gonna say shit.
Yes, you are, sweetheart.
You are going to say...
“You know that Warren girl is unstable?
She has a history of violence...
a melodramatic notion of loyalty.
But please, go easy on her, because you know what?
Even the double cray need a little bit of help.”
They will probably come to this conclusion on their own eventually...
but it doesn't hurt to give 'em a little push.
I know she Fruity Pebbles, but, man...
that's cold.
Is it? Really?
Is it cold for Amazon to underprice books...
just to capture market share?
No, it seems to me that, as shareholders in this company...
you are immune to the cold, just like polar bears.
Not sure cheap books...
is the same as pinnin' shit on Crazy.
Ain't you worried Red's gonna wake up and tell them what happened?
Nope. That is not how OGs like Red handle their business.
You've got your script.
Follow it. 'Cause there are always more slocks, baby girl.
Always more locks.
Enemies?
Well, Red and Vee, they had history.
The Vee that you referenced is Yvonne Parker?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's her.
Bad seed.
You can feel it when you're around her- her bad seediness.
I mean, she's the one that made things hard core.
I mean, it's not like prison was summer camp...
but we all sort of got along.
At least nobody was trying to kill each other.
Now it's like Serbo-Croatia up in here.
You have a close relationship with Reznikov, correct?
Don't call her that.
Her name's Red. All right?
- Nicknames don't suit our official purpose. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah, well, treating her like she's not a person doesn't suit me.
Hey, look, just do your job and find the asshole who did it, okay?
And you'd know this by now if you were any good at your job. It was Vee.
Parker, for your official purposes.
I think it's the black one.
I don't know. The one with the hair.
Her real name can't be “Crazy Eyes.”
I don't know. She's the crazy one.
She already be, like, throwing pie all the time.
But this is, like, next-level crazy, you know?
Rude, that Vee. She's a very rude person.
I don't like rude.
- It was Crazy Eyes. - Yes.
But do you happen to know her real name?
Suzanne Warren.
You're sure?
Positive.
I was attacked from behind.
I saw nothing, no one.
I'm an old woman trying to grow something green.
I don't know who would do this to me.
Chapman.
Mr. Caputo.
I like what you've done with the place.
Sadly, you know, it's...
starting to feel like home in here.
You know I had no choice but to punish you.
You broke into administrative offices.
You said someone asked you to steal these.
Who?
I thought you weren't interested in what I had to say.
There's a year's worth of invoices in here.
Someone building a case?
'Cause I got a pretty good idea where you're goin' with this.
But I'd like some details.
You-
You were kind to me when I got here.
You let me make that phone call to my fiancé.
- What's your point? - My point is that you're a good person.
And Ms. Figueroa-
she isn't.
- Is she embezzling? - You seem like someone who cares about his job.
And, frankly, you know...
I think this would be a better place if you were in charge.
Get to the fucking point.
You're in Seg, kid.
I'd be more than happy to leave you in here.
Now tell me exactly what you were planning.
I was gonna take her out.
“Take her out.”
- How? - Those files...
are a small piece of a much bigger case against her.
I want to know who your contact is on the outside.
You don't even need him.
I can explain to you everything that is in that folder.
I will give you all of the ammunition you need. I promise.
I will tell you everything.
- If? - If you stop my transfer.
I got you now, you dirty bitch.
Jesus.
What's goin' on in here?
- You wearin' sweatpants? - They're slacks.
All right. All right. Y-Y-You gotta breathe.
Hey, hey, hey.
Take-Take- Take a deep breath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, now.
- Jason- - J-Joe. I'm-I'm Joe.
No, my husband is Jason.
Oh. What happened to him? He get arrested?
No.
He's having an affair...
with a...
man named... Gavin.
G-Gavin?
Geez. Yikes.
He's in love.
Wow.
That's, uh- Wow.
How did I not know?
What's... wrong with me?
Y-You had no idea?
A lot of men shave their balls. It doesn't mean they're gay.
Y-You know it's not you, right?
Hey, you gotta know that, huh?
People are born a certain way, you know?
He used to love me.
I'm sure he did.
Oh, Christ. Look at me.
I used to be so... hot.
Now I'm... hard and... wrinkled.
You're still hot, Fig.
I mean, you're a horrible person, but you're-
sexy as hell.
- Really? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Hell.
After all that money you embezzled for him.
Wait. What? What are you talking about?
Embezzlement? Fraud?
I've got your files.
You've been a bad girl.
And if I was your daddy, I'd spank you real good.
But I'm not.
I'm just a schmuck...
who's been cleaning up your crap for too long, and I'm done.
You're a goddamn criminal, Mrs. “Fag-ueroa.”
Get out.
- Fine. - No. Wait. Stop. You can't.
I can't?
Suck my dick, Natalie.
Okay.
Wait. What?
Holy shit.
Yeah, they used to call me “beer can” in high school.
Ah.
Ah, ah- Teeth, teeth-
Sorry.
So we're good?
I do like you down on your knees.
Christ. You should... never speak.
Uh, the files- You'll shut up?
Oh, I- I already gave them to the warden.
He's got copies of everything.
Bye, Nat.
Fuck.
Why didn't you say anything to SIS?
Why would you protect that woman?
That woman can weasel her way out of anything.
I am handling this my way.
- She cracked your eye socket. - Mmm. It will heal.
And this gives me time to plan in peace.
Oh-ho.
Ooh.
Kind of hard to plan when you can't even sit up.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
I used to take the boys to Coney Island.
They loved the spinning rides.
They called them the “Mamushka drunk rides”...
because I'd always get off nauseous and stumbling.
Little shits thought it was hilarious.
This is the same feeling...
but without three little boys pointing and laughing at me.
You should let the administration handle this.
Oh. Oh.
I should trust the administration...
while they're force-feeding you through tubes.
Huh?
Salient point.
No, please, tell me that Fig keeps a vibrator in her desk.
I have this crystal-clear image in my head of her there...
feet up, high heels knocking over the pen cup...
while she just goes to town on her clit with a pocket rocket.
Her drawers are full of snacks and wrappers.
Oh, come on. Man, don't tell me that.
I don't want to think of her as a bulimic with barf breath.
Good news though- Caputo canceled my transfer.
Ah. Whoopee.
You get to stay here... in hell.
Hey, maybe...
you'll get slocked to death by a psychotic heroin dealer.
- How's Red? - Alive.
That's all I know.
And that's a fuckin' miracle.
You know, not a ton of news comin' out of the medical unit, so-
I'm sorry, Nicky.
Yeah. No, I mean, those ass clowns launched their bullshit investigation...
and even though everyone knows exactly who did it, well-
You know, maybe you should ask for your transfer back.
Just get the fuck outta here.
It's better than the alternative.
I can't lose any more people, Nicky.
Alex is coming to visit me.
Jesus, Chapman.
You need to figure out what the fuck you want.
I know.
'Cause if it really is to stay here in this shithole...
so you can get occasional visits from your demented girlfriend...
I mean, then, man, it sounds like you're livin' the dream.
But if you want my advice?
Then get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute, you know?
And maybe spend some of that energy praying...
that your roommate makes it out of medical with all of her brain cells intact.
I'm sorry, Nicky. I didn't mean to make this about me.
No, don't worry. I get it. It's not the same for you.
- I care about Red too. - Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, but she's not your mom.
It's different when you're family.
Mama, please.
This shit is salty enough without your tears in it.
You wanna take a break? Venga.
What's looking good today, Bennett? I'm a hungry man.
There's some baked chicken, but it looks a little gray.
I tend to stick with the PB&J.
- What's goin' on over there? - Oh.
Well, you know, Ruiz is on the transfer list that Fig put out.
It's really sad. She's got the baby and everything. It's-
I'm cancelin' all the transfers.
Really? How-
- Can you keep a secret? - Yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah. You seem like it.
Okay, listen.
Some stuff has gone down...
and it looks like my star might be rising...
while Fig's explodes.
- You know what I'm sayin'? - Not really.
She's out.
I'm in.
Or in-ish. I gotta show the warden I'm his guy.
- He's testin' me out. - Wow.
Yeah. This has got to go well, Bennett.
The next few days are crucial.
We gotta make sure of it.
I wanna do things right...
bring guys like you up along with me-
the good guys.
Guys who keep their eyes open and their noses clean.
Sounds- That sounds great, sir.
So listen.
Why don't you go give Ruiz the good news?
Tell her she's not goin' anywhere.
- Me? - Yeah.
Be the hero. Go ahead.
Thank you. Um, thanks a lot.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead, kid.
What's going on?
I'm canceling Ruiz's transfer.
She's staying put.
- So nice of you. - I do what I can.
Hey, should you be carrying such a heavy tray?
It's fine. Thanks.
It's better.
- Listen, T- - Stop.
Can we please not have a whole talk about our feelings...
and what happened and, like, status, because...
I never learned that, and it really makes me, like, want to...
jump out of my skin, so-
Can we just sit here and be cooler now?
Well, maybe just a little talk?
I mean, look, what if Amanda talked about it?
Right? Like-Like her fucked-up relationship with mumsy and...
how hard that made things with McKenzie when they took their cruise to Spain and shit?
- Could you do it like that? - I'll work on it. Okay?
I swear.
I have an appointment to meet with my guru...
to get a mantra soon, so I'll start right after that-
but before I get my lips injected with ass fat...
so that we can really talk.
- Ass fat. - Here.
Because you look like a monkey.
Oh. Damn. Here I am with no peanuts for you.
- I'll just take your Jell-O, gelatin. - No!
Like hell you Will. Shit.
You know red my favorite flavor.
Yeah.
You're an animal.
And your little electro-slock therapy? You're not foolin' anyone.
Please tell my old friend Red that I- I hope she feels better.
Oh, some flippin' friend you are.
What's the matter with you people?
“You people"?
You mean black people?
I mean blind people, all right?
Blindly following a fucking psychopath.
All right, little ones.
Now, if you're done with your accusations...
and your name-calling, we'd all like to finish our meal in peace.
May you never have a minute of peace.
I trust with you two around, I won't.
Oh, yeah. We'll be around.
Aha.
Shut the fuck up.
Aw. You bitches friends again?
Oh, now.
Ain't that some Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit?
Man, y'all know she done it.
What, you don't think she won't go after your ass one day?
You make her mad, look at her wrong, whatever?
Look, business is good. And I ain't rockin' the boat.
Can't we all just get along?
No. Not while she's around.
Don't feel bad if you don't see it yet.
Took me damn near 15 years.
I just hope y'all wise up before it's too late.
It's up to you.
You could go full-on Britney Spears meltdown.
Oh, no. Cancer chic is anything but.
Now, I'm thinkin' a nice Emma Watson pixie will be cute though.
Hmm.
I appreciate your guys' choices, but I'm thinkin' right here.
Uh, you mean like Victoria Beckham?
Sorry, shortcake. Above the ears or it doesn't count.
Hey, you wanna run with the big boys...
you gotta prove you're one of us, hmm?
I thought this was about the girls.
It's confusing, I know.
- Hey. - I'm canceling Safe Place.
- I thought you should know. - Why?
Wait! Mr. Healy, wait.
Aw. ls your boyfriend hurt?
Don't do that.
Come in!
- Hey, boss. - Hello, O'Neill.
How are you on this fine day?
Oh, I'm good. Thanks.
I bought a banjolele on craigslist.
I don't know what that is.
It's like a four-string banjo, but little.
It's, you know- It's a ukulele version of a banjo.
Ah. Asked and answered.
So, aside from the news of your adorable online purchase...
is there another reason for your visit?
Oh, yeah, um-
- What do you wanna do about the nuns? - Nuns?
- There's a gaggle of them. - Gaggle?
Uh, like a- like a murder of crows. There's a gaggle of nuns.
We're here to support Jane Ingalls's hunger strike.
- Oh, Jesus. - Watch your mouth.
I can't have this today.
Not now. Your timing could not have been worse.
So sorry to inconvenience you.
Look, Sister.
I'm the good guy. I-I-I want things to be good.
- Could you come back in three to five days? - No, I could not.
I had to ask.
- Babysit the nuns. - Sir, I don't think that's a good idea.
- I got a history with nuns. - Suck it up.
I need things calm and contained.
No drama. And if the press comes, you call me.
But it wasn't me.
That's very good. That is exactly what you say when you go in there to talk to SIS.
- It's perfect, Suzanne. - No, Vee.
It really wasn't me. I didn't do it.
Wow, when you commit, you really do commit, don't you?
I admire that.
Between us...
I just want to say thank you, little girl.
What you did was rough, but it had to be done.
- Vee- - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
We shouldn't talk about this anymore.
I got you somethin' special from the commissary.
We can play later, you and me.
All right. It's like this.
Stop, don't talk to me, loser, lame boy, wannabe.
Oh, like, totally, all you want to be is me.
Stay fresh.
- Okay. Now you try. - Okay, so it's like-
Stop, don't talk to me, loser, lame ass, wannabe.
- “Boy.” It's “lame boy.” - Yeah, but we're talkin' Pennsatucky.
So shouldn't it be like “lame ass” or “lame girl”?
Y'all are sad fuckin' assholes.
You know, this is really bullying.
And while you have every right to your negative feelings towards Pennsatucky...
you're being cruel, and I think you're both better than that.
All workers, pick up your work card before reporting-
- Embrace the light. - You know what?
I can take care of myself, Ching Chong China Doll.
She's Japanese Scottish, you ignorant dumbass.
Ignorant dumbass dyke.
Ho-ho-ho!
Excuse me?
Like we haven't seen you hangin' out with fatty-fatty man-girl.
Oh, yeah? So what?
Oh, what is with all this name-calling?
We're expressin' our feelings...
in lieu of physical violence- something Mr. Healy taught me.
- Oh, yeah? - Yep.
Then where were you before?
No one came to his Safe Place thing, you know.
He was all sad and mad.
And I got his weird Russian cookies. Up top.
Everyone in this place is sad and mad.
I mean, I get it. We're in prison. It sucks.
But we should be leaning on each other...
finding support in our fellow criminals.
So we're not isolated. I need a friend.
Don't look at me.
I got a friend.
Hey, nobody showed up at Safe Place?
Nope. Not a one.
Ah, no more Safe Place. It's probably all your fault.
Okay, this is totally weird.
I'm in the wrong outfit.
I like your sweater.
It's soft.
Like your resolve when you're offered a plea deal.
It came down at the very last minute, Piper.
And they promised me it would put him away for good.
But it made me a perjurer and you a free woman.
- I thought you were gonna tell the truth. - I thought you were gonna lie.
Jesus, we're like the fucking O. Henry story.
It's good to see your face.
I don't know what to say.
You have every right to be angry.
I don't know if I'm angry.
I'm confused by you.
I'm confused by me too.
I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.
Yeah, well, that's an understatement.
I'm a fuckup.
And now I get to be a fuckup in a shithole apartment in Queens...
too afraid to even open my curtains.
I'm really fucking lonely, Piper.
Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody to keep your bed warm.
I sleep with a gun.
You what? Alex, what the hell? You're on probation.
There is a car parked outside of my apartment every day.
He's trying to scare me.
I want to go out there with a baseball bat and smash the fucking windshield in.
Honestly, I should just start dealing again.
Find a bigger, tougher new kingpin who can beat up my old kingpin.
- That's not funny. - It's not a joke.
What am I qualified to do?
I have- I have no job. I'm afraid to leave my apartment.
I got so used to sleeping with the lights on that I'm totally freaked out by the dark.
My probation officer is a joke. His name is David Crockett.
Davy fucking Crockett is my probation officer.
Like King of the Wild Frontier?
King of sitting on his fat fucking ass...
stuffing his face with Swiss rolls...
hoping to bust me for some stupid infraction.
You'd think that part of his job would be protecting his probies, you know?
Nobody gives a shit about ex-cons.
What are you gonna do?
- I'm skipping town. - You can't.
I don't have a choice. These people know where I live.
That's why I wanted to see you.
When I go, Piper, I can't come back.
I have to just disappear.
- You can't leave me. - Piper, I'm in danger.
But I don't have anyone left.
I'm sorry, Piper.
I'm sorry for all of it.
I know that my track record is shit.
But I really do love you.
- Yeah, well, I hate you. - No, you don't.
No.
No, I don't.
Any available officers to the front gate for transfers.
- Hey, junkie. - Hey, you traitorous piece of shit.
It's time to start scrubbin' that dirty little soul of yours.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I'm slowly killing myself with corn syrup.
Boo, you sold her out.
You're part of why she's lying in that hospital bed.
All right. Look.
You need to make it right.
What do you want me to do about it?
Smother Parker in her sleep with my left ass cheek?
- I'm a lover, not a fighter. - Aw, come on.
You of all people know there's a million ways to hurt someone.
So tell your old pal Nicky where she stashes her shit.
Find that last shred of loyalty.
Where are you?
- Where are you? - Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Wh-What's goin' on, yo?
I can't find it. I know it was here.
Now it's not here. I know it was here.
Twenty-two left, 14 right, nine left.
I know it was here.
- Your lock? - Shh!
Lady Locksley.
Aw, Shit.
I think she might have done something bad.
- What are you talkin' about? - I think I did it.
I think I attacked that Russian lady and hit and hit and hit her.
Yo, you think? Suzanne, if you done it, don't you think you would know?
No, I don't always know what I'm doing.
No, sometimes I block stuff out.
Some bad stuff, like-
like that time I did the thing to my neighbor.
You don't sound like you blocked that out.
Well-
No. That one's still pretty vivid.
But Vee says I did it.
Yo, Suzanne. Vee is a liar.
No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She is a truth-teller. She told me that.
She says...
we're straight-up...
built on a foundation of honesty...
and loyalty.
Yo, built on a foundation of bullshit, more like!
You think that woman loyal to you?
She is playing you, and this game is for serious.
You take the blame on this, you goin' to max.
You gettin' rapped with attempted murder.
Yo, why would you take the blame when you ain't done nothin'?
That woman is evil, and she's tryin' to frame you and do you harm.
No! Don't you dare speak ill of her!
You know, she told me you'd say bad things.
Yeah, she warned me. And now here you are doing just that.
- Suzanne. - So...
I think you'd better go.
- You poor crazy fool. - No.
I am not crazy.
I am unique.
There used to be this show on TV about girls who, like...
had no idea they were pregnant.
And I always thought, “Yeah. I could see that.”
You're kind of chunky. You don't feel so hot anyway.
But now I'm calling bullshit on it.
I mean, I'm- I'm not all that popping out or anything.
Aleida says the women in our family carry in our ass.
But I feel her.
I really feel her in there.
Daya, I, uh- I-
I can't tell anyone.
- Oh. - No, look.
Listen to me.
Something happened with Fig-
embezzling or something.
Caputo's getting promoted.
He says that I'm looking at a promotion too.
It would be crazy to come clean right now.
- This means more money for-for us. - This means you can't be the dad.
Come on, baby. Look. Hey, we'll figure it out.
Don't say anything about the Fig thing, okay?
It's... still on the down-low.
Well, you were looking for an excuse.
I guess this raise-promotion thing is as good as any.
I'm not looking for an excuse.
I love you, John.
But you're a pussy.
- I gotta get back to work. - Daya.
Daya, I'm a man on the rise.
I'm not a-
Seriously, don't say anything about the Fig thing, okay?
It was told to me in confidence. Please?
So, Fig's out? I knew that skinny puta was pullin' some shit.
She never smiled with her teeth.
You can't trust a bitch don't smile with her teeth.
She had some nice shoes though, man.
Yo, you seen the footwear on that one?
If she was stealing, you know exactly where that money was going.
If I was stealing big...
I would buy me something that won't wear out from walkin' around.
Like a diamond for my belly button.
- No, for real. - That's nice.
- That's nothin'. - That looks good.
Well.
Would you look at Norma Appleseed over here.
What you planning, an orchard?
No. I know what you're up to.
What were you gonna use to grind them?
Wow.
Look at you, quiet fire.
Man, you know how many seeds you're gonna need to make a lethal dose of arsenic?
More than all the apples ever given to any teacher you've ever known.
And then you're gonna need a blender. You're gonna need lye.
And you're gonna need an airtight container.
And then you got to get it down Vee's fuckin' throat.
Ay, mama. You didn't think this one through.
Yeah. I know a few things.
I know she hurt your girl.
And I know she gotta go, but...
there are other ways.
All you got to do is ask.
Trans pack is ready in the Woods office.
Okay, tonight...
I want you to go home and look up...
“Leopard cub kills baboon and tries to adopt its baby.”
Then you come back tomorrow, and you tell me babies are born with sin.
- Why don't you give us the highlights? - Okay, fine.
A leopard cub kills a baboon, right?
And then, as the leopard's dragging the bloody baboon corpse home for dinner...
a baby baboon falls from the folds of its dead mother.
And you're thinkin', “Leopard's gonna eat the baby,” right?
A little baby-baboon appetizer before the main course?
But no.
He shelters the baby. He even defends it against a hyena.
And why? Why would this wild animal do that?
Because even a feral, wild, predatory beast...
can recognize innocence when it sees it...
and it feels the need to protect it.
Yet Catholics can't.
Hey, what is your problem?
What's my problem?
Catholic school. That's my problem.
You people seem all la-la-la God...
but in reality, you are professional humiliators.
Oh. Did someone get rapped with a ruler?
Get over it. You're a grown-up. Let it go.
- But what happened to the baby baboon? - It died of exposure.
I suppose it was God's will.
Nonsense.
It was just really cold- like a nun's heart.
Oh, fuck.
Nuns say “fuck”?
I'm a former nun.
Ugh. They all came.
Who knew I still had juice?
Aren't you pleased? Your friends showed up for you.
I need to think about something else.
I keep having fantasies about biscuits.
You made your bed. Now you can lie in it, strapped to an IV.
Or is it two IVs? I'm seeing double.
Looks like there's two of you on that bed.
- I wish. - You do?
I always wondered about that whole celibacy thing with you people.
- How does that work? - Well...
if you read the papers, you know better in some cases than in others.
What about with you?
- Did you ever- - I've masturbated.
There's this statue of Jesus on the cross that was especially ripped.
He was my guy.
Before Dmitri, there was this man named Pavel.
Even talking about him now, there's a tightening.
- So what happened? - America, home of the free.
Dmitri was tame in bed, bold in life.
Pavel, the opposite.
I went with life.
I went with the man who was going to go to America.
So you didn't like having sex with your husband?
Oh, I wouldn't say that. Mmm. I like sex.
I never rolled away after and thought, “Oh, I wish I hadn't done that.” No.
It was always nice.
But there's a part of me-
a part of every woman, I think-
that doesn't want nice.
That's the problem with married sex in general- no more fear.
Fear is good?
- Fear is very good. - Oh.
But I'll say this for my hairy-backed husband.
He always took care of me.
It turned him on.
He could spend weeks down there.
I do enjoy the release.
It cracks my neck.
- Oh. - No, thank you.
Oh, come on. Stop it with this nonsense.
Believe me, all I want is to eat that sandwich...
but I can't break my strike with a hundred nuns out there.
Please take it away.
You still worry about what your friends think?
You think I'm acting childish?
Who's the one plotting revenge in her bed like a gangbanger?
Here.
We can sandwich-toast to orgasms and do our time in peace.
Are you going to talk to SIS about Parker?
I can't sandwich-toast to climaxes and peace while you plot a war.
And what happens in the meantime?
By remaining silent, you let this clearly dangerous woman stay here.
How long before she hurts someone else?
- One of your girls? - Oh.
You eat, and I sing like a canary. Huh?
We abandon our principles together?
You found her out by the greenhouse?
What was she doin' out there?
I do not remember taking Lady Locksley out there.
I do not!
Now, it is quite possible that she has been interfered with.
Can you tell us where you were at the time the incident took place?
I don't know. When did the incident take place?
We're not sure. We have a window.
How did your lock end up in the yard by the greenhouse?
We're not sure. We have a window.
- Who's “we”? - Who?
Ms. Warren...
you've spent your fair share of time in Psych.
You have a history of violent outbursts.
The incident with inmate Waterstone in which you broke her collarbone.
The circumstances behind the accident in the woodshop.
Several assaults.
- An episode in which you removed all of your clothes, and you- - Uh, uh-
My therapist says, “Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.”
We understand there's some bad blood between Ms. Parker and Mrs. Reznikov.
We further understand that you and Ms. Parker have a close relationship.
Yeah. Vee and I are close. That's right.
Do you think she slocked Ms. Reznikov?
No. No, no. Vee doesn't do that.
She's the brains. I'm the muscle.
- You're the muscle? - You happen to flex in the greenhouse?
- Maybe. - Maybe? So we've gone from “no” to “maybe”?
- No. - No?
- Yes. - Yes?
I'm feeling confused.
Is there something you'd like to tell us?
No. Yes. No. Yes.
No. Y- No. Yes.
No. Yes. No. Wait, no.
Yes. No. Yes. No, no. Yes. No.
No. No. No. Yes. No. No.
No, no, no. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no-
You know, when I was a kid...
I used to think that there were people in the radio...
like, these little itty-bitty people that climbed in...
and played on their mini instruments and sang into their tiny microphones.
That's stupid.
I used to put scotch tape around my dolls...
so I'd know if they moved when I was sleeping.
They never did.
But I always wondered if they were smart enough...
to go back to their exact positions...
and put the tape back on, so I wouldn't know.
Hey, did you ever see that movie?
The- The one where there's the cowboy, and he's like the king of the castle...
and then this astronaut shows up, and he tries to take over.
And so the cowboy attempts to murder him...
but... instead...
the astronaut is-is taken hostage by, like, this evil psychopath...
and the cowboy has to rescue him.
And then they end up becoming really good friends.
- Toy Story? - Oh, my God. Toy Story. That's it. That's it.
I love that movie. Ugh.
You got one fucked-up perspective on the world, kid.
Yeah. I hear that a lot.
I guess that's why I gotta be locked up.
No.
That's what makes you great.
Thanks, Rosa.
Medical officer report to the infirmary.
Hey, you ever think about Jay-Z and Beyoncé fuckin'?
'Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself even.
You think that's weird?
- Who's been in here? - No one.
In case math ain't your jam, you know I got like 50 pounds on you easy.
Who the fuck has been in here?
I-I-I don't know, man. I don't know.
Damn. Fuck.
You know, she's not even a nun anymore.
The way we see it, she's still married to Jesus.
We're Catholics. No divorce.
Oh, geez.
Whoa.
- You look rough, Red. - Yeah, well...
repeated shots to the head with a lock in a sock...
will do that to a person.
Thank you for coming to see me.
Well, you asked.
So, uh...
SIS, uh, thinks they got it figured out.
They're pinning everything on Crazy Ey- on Warren.
They got some kind of half a confession out of her...
and that's good enough for them.
They want to go home.
Red has something she wants to tell you.
I can speak for myself. Thank you, hungry nun.
So?
Healy.
You have to bring SIS back in here.
You've already made your statement.
And like I said, SIS thinks they have their gal.
You know she didn't do it.
I'm trying to do the right thing here, Healy.
- Help me. - I-I don't know anything.
You'd let the crazy one take the hit for the real evil?
Where's your fight, Healy?
You used to care.
Where was your conscience when they were in here the first time?
It was buried under her mistrust for the system.
But she's trying to do right.
Yeah. Well, you know what you get when you try around here?
Not much.
Have a nice day.
You take care of yourself, okay?
Ms. Cisneros. Hello.
There's a chair outside in the hallway if you'd like to wait there.
I gotta stay. It's policy.
I understand, of course...
but I would appreciate a few moments alone with my patient.
- I'm just doin' my job. - It's all right, Doc.
I'm used to it.
Fine.
Ms. Cisneros, we've received your results-
I'm dying. I know.
Well, yes, that's true.
- But- - Look, Doc.
I don't need any bullshit about...
percentages or millimeters or stages.
Do me a favor and talk to me...
like you would if...
I was a person you loved.
The chemo's not working. This cancer is aggressive.
How long I got?
Three to six weeks, I'd say.
Thank you.
You hear that, my love?
Mommy's not goin' far away.
She's staying right here.
So we can see her-
kiss her...
and tell her all about how our day was.
And how we read that book Fraidyzoo-
And how your diaper leaked all over Daddy's pants.
That's right.
We're very excited. Right, baby?
We are so excited.
Aren't we?
Yeah.
Do you hate us?
Please tell us you don't hate us, because you're still my best friend...
and I don't have a lot of women friends.
And I love you, and I can't imagine...
a world where you're not my friend.
We want your blessing.
You're kidding me, right?
You did cheat on me.
That doesn't mean I don't get to have feelings.
If only my nipples smelled like marzipan.
You told him that?
Oh, Jesus, Pol- He didn't need to know what Alex's nipples smelled like.
It weirdly made him feel better for a minute.
Fuck you.
Fuck both of you.
You're right. She's right.
This is so insane. I'm so sorry.
- We shouldn't have come. - No. No.
We talked about this. It makes sense.
- Pipes- - Stop it.
Fine.
But let's be realistic about this.
We both have known you a really long time.
I-It's not like you're suddenly gonna disappear out of our lives.
That's- That's not what we want, at least.
“We”? Oh, God.
Oh, God. Gross.
Can we be adults about this, please?
Sure.
Okay.
Let's be adults.
Let's get this all out on the table...
just so that we're clear, okay?
The first person...
that you fuck...
after we break up...
is my best friend-
my married best friend.
And you- you have a newborn.
I mean, was your vagina even fuckable at that point...
or were you just squirting your milk all over him?
And then you did the worst thing.
You decided...
to fall in love.
And then you thought, “You know what would be a great idea?
Let's go visit Piper in prison-
because that's where she lives-
because things are going so great for her.
And let's sit across from her...
and ask for her blessing...
so that we can walk away feeling absolved...
of all of the fucked-up choices that we have made.”
You're right.
It's fucked up.
I know that. Larry knows that.
But we didn't decide to love each other, Piper.
It just happened, the way love does.
And my vagina bounced back really fast.
Hey, Mr. Healy.
Hi.
What do you think?
I prefer long hair.
Hey. But it's counterculture.
- Do you even know what that means? - Not really.
But I don't really think it matters...
as long as you say your opinion louder than everybody else's.
- Have a good one, Doggett. - Hold on.
- Hey. - Wait. I want to talk to you.
I want to do a make-up class for Safe Place. I have a lot of free time this week.
You seemed to be pretty busy yesterday.
Is that why you're all sourpussed?
You sad 'cause I have another friend besides you?
- I thought we had the same values. - We do have the same values.
We like to express ourselves, and we like to be kind to people, right?
I mean, because of you, Mr. Healy, I made a new friend...
somebody that I would have never talked to, and you know it.
I mean, now, is that somethin' else or what?
Touch me again, and we're gonna have a problem. Do you understand?
All right, listen. You don't got to talk, okay?
I know you got issues with the butchies, and you're not that far off the mark.
And I know you're pissed off at me that I didn't make it to group.
Sorry, but I want you to know something.
I am forever grateful to you...
'cause you're the only person... in my whole life that's...
ever taken the time to talk to me.
And it just seems like you're really good at what you do and that you really care.
And I will never finger her, and I will never let her finger me.
This is all part of making the evil go away.
Okay?
And the final step.
Hey.
Why don't you tell me what happened?
I hit her...
and hit her...
and hit her.
- Why did you do that? - I don't remember.
You don't remember doing it or you don't remember why?
I don't remember.
- Did you attack Red? - Vee said I did.
Those men who were here said I did.
- Shouldn't I believe 'em? - No.
- You should know what you did. - I can't remember!
Now, I thought I was mopping in the warehouse.
Turns out I was slocking in the greenhouse.
I mean, you know, I must- must have mixed up “ware” and “green”...
or-or-or-or “mop” and “slock.”
That could happen.
- Right? - It's very unlikely.
Yes.
- But who can I trust? - Yourself.
No.
I'm unreliable.
Is Red gonna be okay?
I always liked her.
And she's... scary, but...
her hair is like the Heat Miser in that Christmas special.
Don't you think?
She's, uh, Mrs. Green Christmas.
She's Mrs. Sun.
Yeah.
So-
what's...
gonna happen to me now?
Oh. Good.
You're packin' up.
I just got word that I am officially taking over your job.
Permanently or interim till they find someone real?
He's giving you a trial run, isn't he?
What is it, 48 hours? Seventy-two?
Can you not fuck up for a few days? There's a real challenge.
Meanwhile...
your... shapely ass is canned...
while mine is sitting in that chair.
I wasn't canned. I resigned.
I am leaving with a commendation from the warden...
about my dedicated service to this institution...
and a press release about how sad he is that I have decided...
to devote myself to politics and possibly motherhood full-time.
How the fuck do you do that?
How do you keep gettin' away with shit?
I'm not getting away with anything.
The warden is simply smart enough to realize he doesn't want a scandal on his hands...
and he doesn't want to make a political enemy of my husband.
Your gay husband?
- Your band sucks. - Your blow jobs suck.
I was good at my job, Joe.
It was complicated, but I made it work.
Let's see how you do.
Well, I figure, for starters, if I simply don't embezzle...
and lie and neglect-
Oh, save it. I'm tired.
And I'm leaving. Good luck with your noble intentions.
This place'll beat 'em out of you quick.
Well, Amanda has a theory that it's all because of the cycle of poverty...
and the bad schools and the government cheese and because I'm brown-
and my mom was on crack.
But I think it's because... I was just being an asshole.
Ah. I thought you said no mushy shit.
I'm sorry, P. I really am.
Yeah, well...
McKenzie thinks it's repressed frustration 'cause you ain't never been to Paris.
It's probably that too.
Oh, shit.
- Outlander. You ever read this? - No.
Lady travels back in time to Scotland and some shit...
hooks up with this big, sexy outlaw type...
- and they be getting it day in and day out, yo. - Stop.
It's hot!
But the dude's, like, pale with red hair- not my thing.
But if I go back in time...
I go back to Africa.
I find me a Nubian king, with a Nubian thing.
Ha!
Yo, look, when I was a kid, my parents rented that movie Back to the Future.
I was mad convinced, so, like, every time I left the house...
my backpack was full of stuff just in case I went back in time.
I was all ready for my DeLorean.
- But it never came. - Girl.
- Yo, P. - The fuck do y'all want, man?
Chill, you fuckin' book ninja.
- We come in peace. - For real.
This shit's gone too far.
Yeah, well, it took you fuckin' long enough to notice.
That bitch went crazy on my ass.
“Where's my shit? Where's my shit?”
She cracked wide open.
Wait. What shit?
- Her shit shit? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, shit! - Went missing. Yeah.
She's out of her mind.
Guessing she'll be comin' after y'all next.
- Yo, but we ain't got her shit. - She talkin' about takin' everybody out for it.
Look, I don't care if y'all got it or not.
I just wanna know I'm not gettin' slocked in my bed or shanked on the dooker.
Yo, if she's suspecting y'all, then that means she ain't got no people no more-
except Crazy Eyes.
Mm-mmm. Crazy Eyes be out with SIS takin' the fall for doin' Red.
Look, Vee got that noodle brain convinced she did it.
We kind of helped with that too.
I hope you right with your God with that one.
Hey, don't make us try and feel badder than we already do.
Y'all was with Vee too. Y'all was doin' sketchy shit too.
She must really be losing it over them drugs, huh?
- Lost it. - Yo, maybe we can make this right.
I mean, Vee got no one. We all talkin'.
- So we jump her? Pow, pow, pow? - Yo, don't.
- I'm in. - No.
I don't think we need to do all that.
Okay.
I made an effort.
It's your turn.
- Eat something. - Uh-
- Fine. -Hmm.
Mmm.
- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. - Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
All right.
Okay, Sister. I've stopped your transfer.
- I was being transferred? - That's right.
You, Chapman and a bunch of others.
Fig was having you all sent to Virginia.
I just took care of it. You're all stayin' here.
- Aren't you glad? - Well, it-
it's hard to be emotionally invested in something I didn't know was happening.
But, yes, I- I suppose that's good news.
Good.
I've done you a solid. Now would you do somethin' for me?
- Eat somethin'. - Don't eat a thing, Ingalls.
- Fight the power. - Red, you're not helping.
Look.
Fig is out. I'm in.
Give me a win here.
Let me show the administration I can handle situations.
I want to make a difference, Sister.
Would you do that for me?
Here.
I brought you a muffin.
Go ahead.
Go ahead. Take a bite.
We'll call it a day.
Come on.
Excellent. All right.
That a girl.
Now, would you mind callin' off your nuns?
- Sergeant Miller to the library. - Luschek.
I need to ask you somethin'.
- You can buy it on the Internet. - What?
Whatever you're lookin' for.
I guess I could help you with what words to type in.
Do I want to know that much about you?
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
I need to ask you about Warren.
- Who? - Crazy Eyes.
Oh.
You might have seen her in electrical around the time Red got slocked.
Cleanin' up, sweepin' the floor, somethin' like that.
I, uh- I might have.
Well, that's great.
I need an interdepartmental work order showing...
the specific time that she reported to you.
And, uh...
you would owe me a big one for lyin' for ya, right?
You know, somethin' to be determined at a later date?
Sure.
Fine.
Here's the form.
Oh! This is gonna be fun.
Turn around.
Thanks, Luschek.
Hey, Taystee.
How's my girl?
Who? Me?
Come on, now.
I had to teach you a little lesson, but the time-out is over.
Come on back. Play with Mama.
I think I'll... stay in the corner.
And while you're in that corner, look around.
You wouldn't happen to be hiding a big box of something that's not yours, would you?
- I didn't take your shit! - But you know who did.
Hey, guys.
What's going on?
This... does not concern you.
Taystee, we've been together long enough.
I don't have to remind you...
what happens when someone oversteps.
You mean like R.J.?
Yes. Like R.J.
You'd be 10 years dead now.
You'd be just another anonymous black child...
buried six deep in a county field.
Here's the thing about mamas.
They're only mamas as long as they got kids.
- Without them, what are they? - Uh, nothin'.
Mmm.
You got to have people, especially in here.
You just got to.
Otherwise, you find yourself vulnerable to all sorts of shit.
Mm-hmm.
Lots of locks.
Lots of socks.
You turnin' me out?
Fuck you.
You think I can't survive?
I will find a new family.
Of course you will.
As long as there's psychos like you...
- there's always people willing to follow 'em. - Yeah.
- I'm sure you'll find all sorts of new suckers over in max. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
See, we feel real bad about Suzanne.
So we about to- What's that word?
- Recant. - Yeah.
We 'bout to recant our shit.
Yeah, you know who made up that “never snitch” bullshit?
- Mm-mmm. - People who probably deserve to be snitched on.
Taystee.
My Taystee girl.
You break my heart.
Might be true...
if you had one.
Oh!
Hey, you- you know what I was thinkin'?
You ever seen Toy Story 2?
You know, it's hard to believe, but it's better than the first one.
Even though sequels never are, this- this is the exception to the rule.
So, I was thinkin', maybe we could get them to play it next week.
Wouldn't that be good? Huh?
She's done.
Done done.
Only has a few more weeks.
That's what the doc said.
Man. It's real fucked up to die in prison, right?
I mean, you know, it's fucked up to die period...
but this is really, I mean-
It's fucked up, man.
- Chapman. - Yeah?
You were right, you know?
What you said to me when I first got here.
What did I say?
You told me to find a wife...
someone to look out for me.
- I should have listened. - Yeah. I was fucking with you.
I know.
But you were right.
God, this is the loneliest place I've ever been...
and I lived alone in a tree for eight months.
Yeah. You're pretty much on your own in here.
It sucks.
And no one understands.
Like, Meadow asked if she could send me a care package.
She thinks this is camp.
But it's not. It's... awful.
I don't think I'm gonna be the same when I get out.
Maybe that's okay.
It's not fucking okay.
I know.
Ms. Warren.
Ms. Warren!
The authorities will be here soon to transfer you to another facility...
- to await trial on this charge. -Mmm.
- Thank you for your cooperation. - Oh!
We say “thank you,” we say “please” and “excuse me” when we sneeze.
That's the way we do what's right.
We have manners. We're polite!
What?
You want to go home or not? Huh?
I'm supposed to meet Cheryl at the White Horse tonight.
Fine.
Good day, sir.
I say, good day.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
No, thank you very much. No, thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Excuse me. I need to recant my testimony.
- Hey, hey, I got new information. It was Vee Parker. - Yes.
- Vee Parker did it. - Yo, you gotta believe us.
It might have seemed like it was Crazy Eyes 'cause that bitch is crazy, but it was not her.
- Yeah. Justice is not being served, okay? - Ladies, I'm sorry.
- We're done for the day. - No!
Where is security? Is there a CO around here?
Ladies, I strongly suggest you clear this hallway now.
- It was Vee Parker! - Hold up.
- Hold up. - Oh, good. Mr. Healy, please control your inmates.
Control? We don't need control.
I have a work order here.
There's no way Warren could have done it. She was in electrical.
You gotta let her go. The case is still open.
Shit.
You should call Cheryl.
Yeah, you should call Cheryl.
“Honey, I'm gonna be home late.”
Jesus.
Come in.
Welcome, John.
Huh?
- You like my new office? - Yeah. It's, uh- It's very nice.
Look, uh, Mr. Caputo.
I can't be a pussy anymore. I have to... stand up and be a man.
Oh, no. Don't. Please don't tell me you busted up another dorm.
- I can't- - Daya's baby's mine.
The baby's mine.
I got her pregnant, and, uh, she got scared.
So she had sex with Mendez so that I wouldn't get blamed.
But... I have to step up.
It's, uh- It's my child.
- Stop talking. - It's my child. It's my baby.
I said stop talking.
Jesus tits!
It's my second day.
I can't-
I can't- I can't have this.
No.
- This has been dealt with. - But the baby's mine.
- Mendez is being prosecuted. - 'Cause Mendez fucked her.
- So did I! - No.
- You didn't. - Sir, I- I fucked her.
You love this girl, Bennett?
I do.
Then I suggest you keep your mouth shut...
or I will send your love...
the town pump of Litchfield...
to a max facility where she will spend her days in a cage...
away from you and her mother and her friends...
until she delivers your child with her hands and feet cuffed to a bed.
What do you want, Bennett?
Nothing, sir.
Good.
It's my second day.
My second fucking day.
Get out of here.
Yes, sir.
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
To accept this call, please press one.
- Do we take that? - It's Piper.
We have to.
- Piper. - Hi. Are you alone?
I'm in the car with Polly. You're on speaker.
Ha. Of course I am.
Listen, do you want to make it up to me?
- Depends on what that means. - I need a favor.
And, Larry, if you're not willing to do this...
- then, Polly, I'm asking you. - What is it?
There's a probation officer, and his name is David Crockett just like Davy Crockett.
He probably works for the Federal Division of the Queens County Probation Office.
I'm sure that you can find the bureau online.
- Okay. - I need you to call him...
and tell him that Alex Vause...
is violating her probation...
and that she is on her way out of town.
- Is that true? - Yes.
And the purpose of this is what?
Larry.
I am giving you the opportunity to fuck over someone that you hate.
And why would I do that?
So she lands back in there with you?
Polly?
What's the office called again?
Where is she?
Anybody seen Parker?
Parker?
You don't know where your inmates are?
Hello? Jesus.
Okay.
The laundry room where the meth heads work? What the fuck were you thinkin'?
I was thinking it's a place big enough to hold it, and it would have to do for now.
All right. Well, come on.
Start stuffin' these down your pants and head back to the warehouse.
I'll grab Caputo, we lead him to it, and we nail the bitch.
Wait a minute.
You want me to walk from here to the warehouse with heroin stuffed in my pants?
- No fuckin' way. - Come on. You're already bulky.
- No one's gonna notice. - Ha.
- How'd you get it here in the first place? - Laundry bag.
I hid it in some clothes. It makes sense. Go to the laundry with a bag of clothes.
It makes no sense to go to the warehouse with a laundry bag of clothes.
Yeah, well, here's an idea.
Why didn't you just leave it there in a different spot?
- Seriously? - Uh-huh.
You know she tore that place apart.
If it was me, I would have torn that place apart.
You know, Nicky.
What if Caputo doesn't believe that this is Vee's? I mean, what if he thinks it's ours?
Maybe we should keep it?
Oh, fuck.
Shit.
Everybody down?
- Good. - What's going on?
Parker's missing.
Stay here.
I repeat, we are in lockdown.
- What's goin' on? - An inmate is missing.
Back to your bunks for count.
All right. Come on, son. We'll deal with this later.
All inmates return to your bunks for a count immediately.
Nichols?
This prison is officially on lockdown.
Please remain in your bunks until further notice.
Holy shit. We got a runner.
You ever had a runner before?
- No. - Oh, it's fun.
- Don't take another step! - Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey!
What the fuck? Can I help you?
I-I-I didn't know you were home.
I don't fucking care! You can't just walk into my apartment!
Yeah, I know that... usually. But... he asked me to.
- Mr. Crockett. - Ms. Vause.
Fuck.
And you will remain in your bunks until further notice.
No exceptions, no excuses.
- Fall out. - Okay.
Escort guards, we need you on the outside.
Escort guards to the outside.
A Dorm, B Dorm, C Dorm, we are on lockdown.
Return to your area immediately.
You got some good hair, girl.
Almost that Tracee Ellis Ross biracial texture.
- Almost. - Ho-ho-ho.
It's a little dry though. Need to get you a co-wash, maybe a hot-oil treatment.
Fifteen, 16-
Oh, wait. See, keep your leg straight.
Yeah. So, 17, 18-
For over 15 years, that woman was fuckin' insane.
Then fuckin' ditched your ass.
But you, man, how y'all gonna dis me like that in here?
Fuck it.
Don't die in here, Miss Rosa.
Go do it your own way.
What do I do?
Go fast.
Prison's on lockdown.
We need to get her back to rooms and get you back-
- What the fuck? - Oh.
- Lord in heaven- - Oh, shit.
- Shit! Shit! Shit! - Oh, my goodness!
Come back here. You're gonna get in big trouble, Rosa!
What's going on with the alarms?
As far as you're concerned, we're just testing the system.
Tell me again what you're gonna say.
- “I've elected to end my hunger strike.” - That's right.
I feel like a shill.
Greater good, Ingalls. Eye on the prize.
Go on.
“Thanks to the efforts of you, my sisters...
the administration has heard our outcry...
and is taking steps to address our complaints.”
“Beginning with the appointment of Assistant Warden Joe Caputo.”
What the fuck?
O'Neill! Scatter the nuns!
Run, nuns! Run!
Run!
Oh, fuck.
And that backup is due to roadwork that's gonna be...
goin' on probably until tomorrow night.
Now, if you 're traveling eastbound on Duncan-
Ripped By mstoll