1
00:01:11,095 --> 00:01:13,257
Yo, shouldn't we be putting filters in these?
2
00:01:13,335 --> 00:01:15,224
Filters?
Where we at, the country club?
3
00:01:15,295 --> 00:01:19,300
Ooh, why don't we give 'em out
with cigarette holders and fur coats like Cruella?
4
00:01:19,375 --> 00:01:21,855
And Holly Golightly.
She had a tiara.
5
00:01:21,975 --> 00:01:25,138
Put filters in, you gotta roll
the cigarettes bigger to match.
6
00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:26,455
Eats into our margins.
7
00:01:26,535 --> 00:01:29,459
You talkin' 'bout chargin'
a book of stamps per.
8
00:01:29,535 --> 00:01:31,139
You got pretty good margins already.
9
00:01:31,215 --> 00:01:33,138
That's like nine bucks a smoke.
10
00:01:33,215 --> 00:01:35,183
Oh, shit, looks like Watson...
11
00:01:35,255 --> 00:01:38,145
is gettin' introduced to our good friends
supply and demand.
12
00:01:38,215 --> 00:01:39,819
Cheese it. The fuzz.
13
00:01:41,215 --> 00:01:43,343
Would you clean a sink
with a piece of raw meat?
14
00:01:43,455 --> 00:01:45,264
No, you wouldn't, because of germs.
15
00:01:45,375 --> 00:01:49,175
A filthy sponge
is like a rectangle of smelly meat.
16
00:01:49,295 --> 00:01:52,777
Studies show that bathroom sinks
have more germs in it than a toilet.
17
00:01:52,855 --> 00:01:54,619
- You gotta disinfect!
- Disinfect.
18
00:01:54,695 --> 00:01:57,539
You know what else has more germs
than a toilet? Your mouth.
19
00:01:57,615 --> 00:02:01,222
And also ATM keypads and the bottom
of ladies' handbags. I read that.
20
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:04,822
You know, we learn something new
every day here in prison.
21
00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:18,978
All right, listen up, ladies.
22
00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:21,422
If a customer's got regular stamps
and forever stamps...
23
00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:23,378
you always take the forever stamps.
24
00:02:23,495 --> 00:02:27,386
You hold on to those, and when the post office
jacks up the prices, you've made money.
25
00:02:27,455 --> 00:02:28,945
You mean you made money.
26
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:31,700
You taking, like, 90%, ain't you?
27
00:02:31,775 --> 00:02:35,336
Sendin' those stamps outside,
your boys turn 'em into bank.
28
00:02:35,415 --> 00:02:37,144
I'm the one assuming the risk.
29
00:02:37,215 --> 00:02:41,539
Uh, what about my risk of sitting in Seg
till I start talkin' to my hand?
30
00:02:41,615 --> 00:02:43,379
You want zero percent, walk away.
31
00:02:44,855 --> 00:02:46,778
This is about more than
just a business, ladies.
32
00:02:46,895 --> 00:02:49,739
This is about
making something of yourselves.
33
00:02:49,855 --> 00:02:52,426
You give those women something they want...
34
00:02:52,495 --> 00:02:54,577
they will respect you for it.
35
00:02:55,255 --> 00:02:56,905
Yeah.
36
00:02:56,975 --> 00:02:58,864
- I'm done.
- That's very good.
37
00:02:58,935 --> 00:03:01,063
- Give them to Taystee.
- But they're mine.
38
00:03:01,135 --> 00:03:03,979
We had this talk, Suzanne. Remember?
39
00:03:04,055 --> 00:03:05,659
We each have skills.
40
00:03:05,735 --> 00:03:08,056
Salesmanship?
Not one of yours.
41
00:03:09,735 --> 00:03:13,376
Gotta make people feel more comfortable.
42
00:03:13,455 --> 00:03:15,537
Yo, Vee, where we supposed
to keep all of these?
43
00:03:15,615 --> 00:03:18,266
'Cause a sister
is not tryin' to go to SHU.
44
00:03:18,335 --> 00:03:21,225
You got some kind of invisibility cloak
or somethin'?
45
00:03:21,295 --> 00:03:23,218
You could say that.
46
00:03:29,015 --> 00:03:31,859
Am I asking too much here?
47
00:03:31,935 --> 00:03:34,381
Am I putting something on you people...
48
00:03:34,455 --> 00:03:37,026
that you physically can't do...
49
00:03:37,095 --> 00:03:40,304
like dance the tango or something?
50
00:03:40,375 --> 00:03:44,141
No. I'm asking for competence.
51
00:03:44,215 --> 00:03:48,300
For starters, keeping the prisoners in prison.
52
00:03:48,415 --> 00:03:50,065
Seems pretty simple to me.
53
00:03:50,135 --> 00:03:53,981
Not having a fruitcake in khakis
wander around in public...
54
00:03:54,055 --> 00:03:55,739
five officers hustling her out...
55
00:03:55,815 --> 00:03:58,625
putting her in a car
like some kind of fucking clown show.
56
00:03:58,695 --> 00:04:00,424
- I'm talkin' to you, Bennett.
- You left me here alone.
57
00:04:00,495 --> 00:04:02,418
- That is false.
- I was here.
58
00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:04,816
Yeah, you were patrolling
a copy of Bassmaster magazine.
59
00:04:04,895 --> 00:04:07,819
I'm just- I'm just saying, respectfully...
60
00:04:07,935 --> 00:04:11,656
that maybe Valentine's wasn't the best day to
take a bunch of people to see your gig at a bar.
61
00:04:11,735 --> 00:04:13,658
It's not like people
haven't gotten out before.
62
00:04:13,735 --> 00:04:15,703
Take her to max,
stick a few years on her sentence.
63
00:04:15,815 --> 00:04:18,739
The woman's a hundred years old.
We're gonna give her more time?
64
00:04:18,815 --> 00:04:21,785
Bell, I want you all over that inmate
like a fly on shit.
65
00:04:21,855 --> 00:04:24,904
You follow her.
You find out how she's running.
66
00:04:24,975 --> 00:04:27,626
- How about we just ask her?
- I already did.
67
00:04:27,695 --> 00:04:31,745
She told me she took the trolley
from 27th Street.
68
00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:34,944
I will deal with this officially
when we get the hole plugged up.
69
00:04:35,015 --> 00:04:39,225
You want me 'round the clock
babysittin' Phyllis Diller?
70
00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:43,698
Let me know if that is a waste
of your talents and education.
71
00:04:43,775 --> 00:04:47,905
Second- shot quota. We are
gonna straighten things up around here.
72
00:04:48,015 --> 00:04:50,985
I want each of you writing
five shots a week minimum.
73
00:04:51,055 --> 00:04:53,376
Keep these ladies on point.
74
00:04:54,535 --> 00:04:56,583
- And for you, it's six.
- That's not fair.
75
00:04:56,655 --> 00:05:00,546
I asked you to toughen up your game.
I don't see you gettin' there.
76
00:05:00,615 --> 00:05:02,777
Gonna be such a bitch, Caputo.
The paperwork alone.
77
00:05:02,855 --> 00:05:04,778
Tell it to your mom.
78
00:05:04,855 --> 00:05:07,540
Maybe she'll write you a fuckin' note.
Get out.
79
00:05:12,495 --> 00:05:14,657
Resume normal program.
80
00:05:14,735 --> 00:05:17,466
Inmate. You're late for count.
81
00:05:17,535 --> 00:05:19,663
- I got 45 seconds still.
- Not enough time to get there.
82
00:05:19,735 --> 00:05:23,296
- What is this, The Minority Report?
- Sorry. Gonna write you a shot.
83
00:05:23,375 --> 00:05:25,981
What you- White Cindy
ain't gonna make it either.
84
00:05:26,095 --> 00:05:29,986
- I ain't looking at White Cindy.
- This is some racism right here!
85
00:05:30,055 --> 00:05:32,581
It's not. But it's about to be
if you don't shut up.
86
00:05:32,655 --> 00:05:34,225
What the hell that even mean?
87
00:05:35,055 --> 00:05:37,262
- Get down on the ground, inmate.
- Fucking kidding me?
88
00:05:37,335 --> 00:05:39,656
What'd I just say?
89
00:05:41,135 --> 00:05:43,263
All right, let's move it, people.
90
00:05:43,335 --> 00:05:46,578
And take your shoes off.
I don't even know why I even got to say it.
91
00:05:47,215 --> 00:05:48,785
Oh! Excuse me.
92
00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:51,822
I'm gonna need you
to throw out that soda.
93
00:05:51,895 --> 00:05:54,978
- I'm still drinking it.
- You still drinkin' it?
94
00:05:55,895 --> 00:05:59,058
That's what the terrorists say.
95
00:05:59,135 --> 00:06:00,978
You a terrorist?
96
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,262
Throw it out!
97
00:06:03,335 --> 00:06:06,817
Come on, people. Let's move it.
Let's go. You, come on.
98
00:06:06,895 --> 00:06:08,818
Oh, yeah!
99
00:06:08,895 --> 00:06:10,579
- Watch it, lady.
- Move out the way!
100
00:06:10,655 --> 00:06:12,862
Airport emergency.
101
00:06:16,295 --> 00:06:18,059
Got it!
102
00:06:25,915 --> 00:06:33,915
Ripped By mstoll
103
00:06:35,615 --> 00:06:38,744
Oh, yeah.
104
00:06:41,255 --> 00:06:42,984
Ooh. Jackpot, baby.
105
00:06:44,535 --> 00:06:48,506
Oh, girl. I got, like, 11 of those.
That one's supposed to be waterproof.
106
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,816
Let me tell you, girl.
107
00:06:50,895 --> 00:06:54,581
You get some crunk juice
on that shit- not good.
108
00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:01,625
Mmm.
109
00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:05,625
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
110
00:07:05,735 --> 00:07:08,341
Looks like we got a problem here.
111
00:07:08,415 --> 00:07:10,577
I'm clean.
112
00:07:10,655 --> 00:07:12,703
Technically, yes.
113
00:07:12,775 --> 00:07:16,097
But I can't let you on the plane
with these guns.
114
00:07:16,175 --> 00:07:17,779
Turn around.
115
00:07:22,135 --> 00:07:24,058
I was surprised to get your note.
116
00:07:24,135 --> 00:07:26,058
To be honest,
Larry wasn't all that cooperative.
117
00:07:26,175 --> 00:07:29,975
Well, Larry is in a weird place these days,
which is mostly... my fault.
118
00:07:30,095 --> 00:07:32,575
- But I can't get into that.
- It's none of my business.
119
00:07:32,655 --> 00:07:36,137
I'm just glad they let me in.
Sometimes the inefficiency works for you.
120
00:07:36,215 --> 00:07:37,899
Here's the thing.
121
00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:41,218
My grandmother is very sick,
and I'm supposed to get furlough...
122
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,263
but it doesn't seem to be happening.
123
00:07:43,335 --> 00:07:45,337
I'm not sure where I come in.
124
00:07:45,415 --> 00:07:48,066
Just one example
of how the prison system isn't working.
125
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:52,060
Guard misconduct,
overuse of solitary confinement.
126
00:07:52,135 --> 00:07:55,423
People on the outside
should know what it's like.
127
00:07:55,535 --> 00:07:59,062
Piper, prison treats inmates unfairly.
128
00:07:59,135 --> 00:08:01,741
If not getting a weekend off to visit
the family is the worst that's happened-
129
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,340
I didn't even remotely say-
130
00:08:03,415 --> 00:08:06,544
Inmates are starving.
They're getting raped.
131
00:08:06,615 --> 00:08:09,744
And it's not like no one's covering this.
It's just that no one cares.
132
00:08:10,695 --> 00:08:14,586
Listen, do I lie awake fantasizing
about personally taking down an institution...
133
00:08:14,655 --> 00:08:16,783
that is the single greatest stain...
134
00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:19,017
on the American collective conscience
since slavery...
135
00:08:19,095 --> 00:08:21,621
with the awesome power of my words?
136
00:08:21,695 --> 00:08:26,064
Sure. But in the daytime,
I've accepted that's not gonna happen.
137
00:08:26,895 --> 00:08:29,023
What I can do, maybe...
138
00:08:29,095 --> 00:08:32,099
is find $2 million
that's gone off the books here at Litchfield.
139
00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:34,586
What do you want me to do?
140
00:08:34,655 --> 00:08:37,135
If money's being appropriated,
it has to be going somewhere.
141
00:08:37,215 --> 00:08:41,823
I'm guessing that there's some kind
of shell corporation it's being paid into.
142
00:08:41,895 --> 00:08:44,546
There is something going on
with the electrical grid.
143
00:08:44,615 --> 00:08:46,538
Well, Figueroa's
the official on the ground here...
144
00:08:46,615 --> 00:08:50,461
which means that she's either
being duped or she's in on the profits.
145
00:08:50,535 --> 00:08:51,980
I need to know...
146
00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:55,423
who she's making contracts with for labor,
supplies, who she's writing checks to.
147
00:08:55,495 --> 00:08:57,259
Okay, cool, I'll just look that up...
148
00:08:57,335 --> 00:09:01,101
in the handy inmate Internet they give us
for when we get curious about stuff.
149
00:09:01,175 --> 00:09:05,544
They appropriated $200,000 last year
to renovate a gym that doesn't exist.
150
00:09:05,615 --> 00:09:09,017
Look, I would love to help you.
I really would.
151
00:09:09,095 --> 00:09:11,860
But short of breaking into Fig's office
and going through her files...
152
00:09:11,935 --> 00:09:14,017
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.
153
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,302
I have been thrown in SHU twice already...
154
00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:19,106
and I love my grandmother,
and she could die.
155
00:09:19,175 --> 00:09:23,385
I'm not gonna fuck things up for myself
by playing high-stakes Harriet the Spy.
156
00:09:23,455 --> 00:09:26,777
Okay. Let me know
if you change your mind.
157
00:09:28,815 --> 00:09:30,817
I'm sorry about your grandmother.
158
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:40,578
You sure you just want the usual?
159
00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:42,578
That's why it's called the usual.
160
00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:46,262
I mean, you're running the kitchen now.
You got room for a statement.
161
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:49,817
What, should I dye my hair fuchsia?
162
00:09:49,895 --> 00:09:53,104
It's auburn.
But not for you.
163
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:58,545
I think a nice faux-hawk will give
that “Don't fuck with me” vibe. You know?
164
00:09:58,615 --> 00:10:00,743
I mostly use my face for that.
165
00:10:00,815 --> 00:10:03,466
Hey, Aqua Net.
166
00:10:03,535 --> 00:10:06,186
Red said to tell you
she's got violets growing.
167
00:10:07,175 --> 00:10:10,702
- And I should give a shit about this why?
- She said you'd wanna know.
168
00:10:10,775 --> 00:10:12,857
She can grow whatever she wants.
I don't give a-
169
00:10:12,935 --> 00:10:15,700
- Violets.
- Oh.
170
00:10:15,775 --> 00:10:18,858
You're right.
I'll come check that out.
171
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:25,341
Every day in this place,
I get more confused.
172
00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:41,017
Did you bring the stamps?
173
00:10:41,095 --> 00:10:44,736
Why don't you first tell me what I'm
supposed to be so hair-on-fire excited about.
174
00:10:49,175 --> 00:10:51,655
Man, look, I appreciate your concern...
175
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,625
but I'm actually well covered
on the menstruation front.
176
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:56,538
Just take one.
177
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,377
Hail Mary, full of grace.
178
00:11:16,295 --> 00:11:19,538
How the hell am I supposed to light this?
Rub two sticks together?
179
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:26,297
Behold the Litchfield lighter.
180
00:11:28,375 --> 00:11:30,377
Get the fuck out.
181
00:11:41,455 --> 00:11:44,823
Man, it's like the third-best day
of my entire life.
182
00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:46,579
Man, blow into the drain!
183
00:11:49,695 --> 00:11:52,016
What happened was
the critic changed his mind...
184
00:11:52,095 --> 00:11:54,746
because the rat made stew,
and it was delicious.
185
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,499
I understand that.
186
00:11:56,575 --> 00:11:59,385
But that doesn't mean
the rat can open a restaurant.
187
00:11:59,455 --> 00:12:04,063
- The health code is still the health code.
- It's like you're dead inside.
188
00:12:04,135 --> 00:12:05,819
I heard something about violets?
189
00:12:05,895 --> 00:12:07,101
Close the door.
190
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:22,980
It is a mystery to me
how you people ever lost the Cold War.
191
00:12:23,095 --> 00:12:24,426
But wait.
192
00:12:34,815 --> 00:12:36,658
This covers this.
193
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:42,184
You ever been kissed
by a six-foot, black, transgender woman?
194
00:12:42,255 --> 00:12:46,055
I'm good, thanks.
But my commissary could use some love.
195
00:12:47,135 --> 00:12:49,979
What ever happened to goods for services?
196
00:12:50,055 --> 00:12:52,661
I'm running a little dry
in the cash department.
197
00:12:52,735 --> 00:12:54,624
You got a steady channel, I assume?
198
00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:58,381
Whatever you want.
Within reason.
199
00:12:59,495 --> 00:13:01,179
I'll be back.
200
00:13:28,735 --> 00:13:30,385
You cannot be serious.
201
00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:40,424
Flores!
202
00:13:41,535 --> 00:13:43,060
Flores!
203
00:13:51,775 --> 00:13:54,858
Bunch of Latinas can't make decent
rice and beans. What's wrong with this picture?
204
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:56,858
I grew up eating Chinese.
205
00:13:56,935 --> 00:14:00,906
My stepdad from then was Chen Dong.
He had so much dandruff.
206
00:14:00,975 --> 00:14:04,946
It's that black pepper, the shit that comes
in boxes. Tastes like my abuela's ashes.
207
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:10,504
Soy yo okay,
but you gotta put Cholula on it.
208
00:14:11,855 --> 00:14:13,664
- Kinda busy right now.
- Sorry. Should I-
209
00:14:13,735 --> 00:14:15,260
- Santa!
- Ooh!
210
00:14:15,975 --> 00:14:19,696
Fuck Santa. Bennett's better looking,
and he shows up even if you've been naughty.
211
00:14:21,095 --> 00:14:24,542
- What'd you get?
- Oh, these things just keep getting smaller.
212
00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:27,539
That's actually mine. You can borrow it
a few days, but I'm gonna need it back.
213
00:14:27,615 --> 00:14:29,697
It's full of Fleet Foxes and shit.
214
00:14:29,775 --> 00:14:31,823
- What about my phone?
- Blanca, be real.
215
00:14:31,895 --> 00:14:34,136
This is the last time I can do this.
216
00:14:36,455 --> 00:14:38,503
- I want porn.
- Oh, man!
217
00:14:38,575 --> 00:14:41,419
- Flores is a fucking genius!
- Okay, but good porn.
218
00:14:41,495 --> 00:14:43,418
None of that weird Japanese bullshit.
219
00:14:43,495 --> 00:14:46,544
And I want a magazine with just guys in it.
220
00:14:48,015 --> 00:14:49,904
What? It's hot.
221
00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:53,502
And plus, I don't want to be exploiting
women and shit. It sucks out all the sexy.
222
00:14:53,575 --> 00:14:56,545
- I'm not buying gay porn.
- You homophobic or something?
223
00:14:56,615 --> 00:15:00,142
Suficiente, everyone!
We got hungry people out there. ¡Vamos!
224
00:15:00,855 --> 00:15:02,778
I may starve to death.
225
00:15:02,855 --> 00:15:05,176
I'm a vegetarian, obviously.
226
00:15:05,255 --> 00:15:08,498
And I respect that,
but under the present circumstances...
227
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,543
I'm pretty sure that even-
228
00:15:10,615 --> 00:15:13,585
even Paul McCartney
would be all up in a tuna casserole.
229
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:16,579
Look. That salad bar?
It's just frozen peas and iceberg lettuce.
230
00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:18,384
I need nuts. I need legumes.
231
00:15:18,455 --> 00:15:20,025
Hey, Chapman?
232
00:15:20,095 --> 00:15:22,780
You think me and Gonzales
could help you with that newsletter thing?
233
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,859
- Yeah, sure. That-That would be great.
- Okay.
234
00:15:27,295 --> 00:15:30,026
This might be weird, but, um...
235
00:15:31,135 --> 00:15:33,581
do you know anything
about the kitchen vendors?
236
00:15:33,655 --> 00:15:37,216
- Like which company delivers the groceries?
- Some guys in a truck.
237
00:15:37,295 --> 00:15:39,423
- Soso?
- No.
238
00:15:39,495 --> 00:15:41,338
Pigs are smarter than dogs.
239
00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:44,385
- Do you eat eggs?
- Depends on how they were raised.
240
00:15:44,895 --> 00:15:48,058
- So, no.
- Make fun of me if you want...
241
00:15:48,175 --> 00:15:50,746
but the agribusiness complex
in this country is completely-
242
00:15:50,815 --> 00:15:52,465
Bitch, look around you.
243
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:54,697
We in the prison-business complex.
244
00:15:54,775 --> 00:15:58,063
A cow breaks me out of here,
I'll stop eating meat that day.
245
00:15:59,095 --> 00:16:00,904
Is it true...
246
00:16:00,975 --> 00:16:02,898
that the Catholic priests in Africa...
247
00:16:02,975 --> 00:16:07,185
are allowed to get married
because chastity's just too hard for them?
248
00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:11,224
- I think it's hard for anyone.
- Yeah, but African men?
249
00:16:11,975 --> 00:16:14,546
That's a whole other story.
250
00:16:16,095 --> 00:16:18,621
I'll take your word for it.
Excuse me.
251
00:16:23,375 --> 00:16:24,865
Sister, the corn bread.
252
00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:28,064
Oh, it's that darn blood sugar thing.
You remember.
253
00:16:28,135 --> 00:16:30,217
I'm gonna have to write you a shot.
254
00:16:30,935 --> 00:16:32,664
You give a shot to a nun?
255
00:16:34,095 --> 00:16:35,824
Don't hate me.
256
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,863
I've never gotten a shot before.
257
00:16:38,655 --> 00:16:41,943
It's the end of days.
I'm telling you.
258
00:16:55,335 --> 00:16:56,939
Okay.
259
00:17:02,215 --> 00:17:05,185
- Can I help with this?
- Oh.
260
00:17:05,295 --> 00:17:06,945
Thank you, Roberta.
261
00:17:08,535 --> 00:17:10,060
You're welcome.
262
00:17:11,815 --> 00:17:13,579
I saw my husband last night.
263
00:17:13,655 --> 00:17:16,261
Well, that sounds lovely.
264
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:18,099
He plays the bass now.
265
00:17:21,335 --> 00:17:24,498
- Don't forget to shine those shoes.
- I said I'd clean your bunk.
266
00:17:24,575 --> 00:17:26,498
The shoes are not included.
267
00:17:26,575 --> 00:17:30,580
I ain't saying I'm no scientist or nothin',
but the shoes in the bunk. Correct?
268
00:17:30,695 --> 00:17:33,824
Look, I'm gonna get a shot
for even being in here.
269
00:17:33,895 --> 00:17:36,785
If I have to go in front of
the disciplinary board one more time-
270
00:17:41,855 --> 00:17:44,506
You know, karma-wise,
your people had this coming.
271
00:17:44,575 --> 00:17:47,055
Okay, yo.
Here's what I got.
272
00:17:48,655 --> 00:17:51,420
On, hold up.
273
00:17:51,495 --> 00:17:54,180
I specifically said strawberry.
274
00:17:54,255 --> 00:17:56,940
Well, we're out of strawberry right now.
That's the best I could do.
275
00:17:57,055 --> 00:17:59,103
All I know is...
276
00:18:04,135 --> 00:18:05,864
I'm holding some premium shit here.
277
00:18:05,935 --> 00:18:07,699
Bitch, I don't even smoke, okay?
278
00:18:07,815 --> 00:18:12,139
I need it to bribe Aleida to let me borrow
her stinger so I can wax my mustache.
279
00:18:13,095 --> 00:18:15,780
Guess you caught me in a soft mood.
280
00:18:15,855 --> 00:18:17,425
Happy birthday, baby.
281
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:21,260
- Say “thank you” to your sister.
- Thank you!
282
00:18:22,215 --> 00:18:24,138
It's been a while since we saw you.
283
00:18:24,215 --> 00:18:27,981
You know, things been real busy at work,
but I wouldn't go missing Shorty's birthday.
284
00:18:28,055 --> 00:18:30,740
- Shit!
- Monica.
285
00:18:30,815 --> 00:18:32,499
Sorry.
286
00:18:32,575 --> 00:18:34,339
Bring it here. Uh! Uh!
287
00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:40,495
What?
288
00:18:40,575 --> 00:18:42,259
A little much for a nine-year-old.
289
00:18:42,335 --> 00:18:45,464
If you mean a little much swagger,
you got that right!
290
00:18:45,535 --> 00:18:47,902
I wish you were here for all my birthdays.
291
00:18:47,975 --> 00:18:49,898
Last year, Mom got me clothes.
292
00:18:49,975 --> 00:18:51,704
It's what you needed, baby.
293
00:18:51,815 --> 00:18:55,342
Hey, how about we go
for some ice cream, you and me?
294
00:18:55,415 --> 00:18:57,179
Dinner is in a few hours.
295
00:18:57,255 --> 00:18:58,825
It's a special occasion.
296
00:18:58,895 --> 00:19:00,943
- What flavor you want?
- Bubble gum!
297
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:04,258
- How 'bout we all go together?
- What you so nervous about?
298
00:19:04,335 --> 00:19:07,145
What you think-
I met you yesterday?
299
00:19:07,215 --> 00:19:09,536
Look, I'm gonna look out for her.
300
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:12,266
- I promise.
- She promised, Mom.
301
00:19:14,295 --> 00:19:16,946
Go ahead.
But leave that iPad here.
302
00:19:17,015 --> 00:19:19,746
I don't want you losin' it or gettin' it stolen.
303
00:19:19,815 --> 00:19:21,544
Let's blow this joint!
304
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:26,026
- Cindy.
- I know.
305
00:19:45,975 --> 00:19:47,704
Hey, uh, Chapman...
306
00:19:47,775 --> 00:19:51,541
I-I was just wondering
if maybe y-you got any room...
307
00:19:51,615 --> 00:19:55,939
on your newsletter committee
th-that maybe I could join up?
308
00:19:56,015 --> 00:19:57,346
Let me see.
309
00:19:57,415 --> 00:20:00,578
So far it's me and two Spanish girls,
one of whom scares me a bit.
310
00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:03,818
So, yeah.
Yeah, I think I can squeeze you in.
311
00:20:03,895 --> 00:20:05,784
Oh, that's really good.
312
00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:08,938
Is there anything in particular
that you want to write about?
313
00:20:09,015 --> 00:20:11,859
Uh, I didn't really get that far.
314
00:20:11,935 --> 00:20:15,098
I just thought it'd be good
to keep busy, you know?
315
00:20:15,655 --> 00:20:19,819
Well, what about romance?
Like a serial type of thing?
316
00:20:19,895 --> 00:20:21,499
Dickens meets Danielle Steel.
317
00:20:21,615 --> 00:20:25,665
I'm trying to stay away
from the romance-type stuff...
318
00:20:25,735 --> 00:20:27,260
just for a little while.
319
00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:28,666
Oh.
320
00:20:28,735 --> 00:20:31,705
Oh, yeah.
No, it's- it's fine. It's just-
321
00:20:31,775 --> 00:20:33,459
Maybe something else.
322
00:20:34,815 --> 00:20:38,262
It's fucked up, isn't it,
how we're stuck in here...
323
00:20:38,335 --> 00:20:40,781
and the world outside
just keeps turning?
324
00:20:41,535 --> 00:20:43,139
Yeah.
325
00:20:44,135 --> 00:20:46,706
What about a beauty column?
326
00:20:46,775 --> 00:20:48,664
You always look so nice.
327
00:20:49,855 --> 00:20:52,335
Well, you know,
just 'cause you're in prison...
328
00:20:52,415 --> 00:20:54,383
don't mean you gotta let it go.
329
00:20:54,455 --> 00:20:57,140
I bet that you have some great tips.
330
00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,058
Okay.
331
00:20:59,855 --> 00:21:02,176
Okay. I can do it.
332
00:21:02,255 --> 00:21:03,905
I can do that.
333
00:21:04,975 --> 00:21:07,501
Thank you, Chapman.
334
00:21:08,775 --> 00:21:11,665
Dr. Cole, please call psych ward.
335
00:21:14,375 --> 00:21:16,696
- Hey, you got a fag?
- A what?
336
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,504
A fag.
337
00:21:18,575 --> 00:21:21,055
You know. A drag? A butt?
338
00:21:21,175 --> 00:21:22,506
A burn.
339
00:21:22,575 --> 00:21:25,624
You talking about cigarettes,
you're at the wrong house.
340
00:21:27,055 --> 00:21:29,979
I'm not the one who started
a Negro-league tobacco shack.
341
00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:33,184
That would be your pal Vee. I merely
seek to avail myself of her fine product.
342
00:21:33,255 --> 00:21:36,020
- She ain't my pal.
- She's pals with your pals.
343
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:40,020
Right, or she's using them to do
her dirt while she counts the cash.
344
00:21:40,095 --> 00:21:42,575
You ain't gonna find her hands
on no contraband.
345
00:21:42,695 --> 00:21:44,618
You watch,
somebody goes down for carrying...
346
00:21:44,695 --> 00:21:46,936
she'll be shuffling and smiling
in front of the CO's like...
347
00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:49,097
“Oh, Lord, what did these girls got up to?”
348
00:21:56,975 --> 00:21:59,945
Hey, you know that thing that happens
to lesbians in high school?
349
00:22:00,015 --> 00:22:02,825
How we strike up
a really intense best friendship...
350
00:22:02,895 --> 00:22:05,262
with a straight girl who's really into it.
351
00:22:05,335 --> 00:22:08,305
And we convince ourselves
that friends is good, right?
352
00:22:08,375 --> 00:22:10,377
Until she gets a boyfriend.
353
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:13,504
We hate that poor asshole
with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns.
354
00:22:13,575 --> 00:22:15,737
“He's not worthy of you” or whatever.
355
00:22:15,855 --> 00:22:19,098
He's probably a decent-enough person,
I mean, as guys go.
356
00:22:19,175 --> 00:22:23,225
Because what's really happening
is that we're in love with our friend.
357
00:22:24,975 --> 00:22:27,819
Why does everybody think
I'm in love with her? 'Cause I'm not.
358
00:22:27,895 --> 00:22:30,626
Sure.
Sure. Let's go with that.
359
00:22:33,455 --> 00:22:35,856
But in the event that you
were having the feels for her...
360
00:22:35,935 --> 00:22:38,905
turns out that by hating her boyfriend,
you're just gonna drive her away.
361
00:22:38,975 --> 00:22:41,899
You've gotta suck it up
and make him like you.
362
00:22:41,975 --> 00:22:45,377
Take up poker,
watch The Godfather 10 times, or whatever.
363
00:22:45,455 --> 00:22:48,538
All clear, everybody. We found it.
364
00:22:48,615 --> 00:22:51,698
Anyway, it's your life.
Spend it how you want, all right?
365
00:22:59,615 --> 00:23:02,380
Ay, where's your sack, Santa?
366
00:23:03,855 --> 00:23:05,539
Couldn't do it.
367
00:23:05,655 --> 00:23:09,137
- I'm not doing this anymore.
- I think you forgot how blackmail works, papi.
368
00:23:09,215 --> 00:23:12,822
I think you forgot how prison works.
This shit has gone too far.
369
00:23:12,895 --> 00:23:16,217
You know who else went too far?
You with Dayanara.
370
00:23:17,455 --> 00:23:18,945
Fine.
371
00:23:19,015 --> 00:23:21,780
How about this?
You're all getting shots.
372
00:23:21,855 --> 00:23:24,540
- I didn't do nothing, asshole.
- Well, that sucks for you.
373
00:23:24,615 --> 00:23:27,061
- You got to be fucking kidding me, right?
- I promise you, I'm not kidding.
374
00:23:27,175 --> 00:23:31,180
Hey, Bennett, what's gonna happen
when Caputo finds out you raped an inmate?
375
00:23:31,255 --> 00:23:33,064
- He's not gonna find out.
- You sure about that?
376
00:23:33,135 --> 00:23:35,137
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
'cause you're going to the SHU.
377
00:23:35,215 --> 00:23:37,980
- For what?
- I'll figure it out later.
378
00:23:38,055 --> 00:23:41,537
- You ain't gonna do that to me.
- You think I'm not? Let's go.
379
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:43,820
Move it!
380
00:23:43,895 --> 00:23:46,296
- Shit!
- You want to join her?
381
00:23:49,655 --> 00:23:51,419
Bye.
382
00:24:01,655 --> 00:24:04,499
- I heard you wanted to see me?
- Oh, Chapman. Right. Come in.
383
00:24:05,295 --> 00:24:09,186
Mr. Caputo, have you, um,
heard anything about my furlough request?
384
00:24:09,255 --> 00:24:12,099
It's not my department. Sorry.
385
00:24:12,175 --> 00:24:14,701
But I've been thinking
about this newsletter.
386
00:24:15,335 --> 00:24:16,382
Awesome.
387
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,982
Been thinking it could be
a good way for us- the administration-
388
00:24:20,055 --> 00:24:24,219
to communicate with the inmates,
explain our side of things.
389
00:24:25,335 --> 00:24:27,224
Your side of what?
390
00:24:28,295 --> 00:24:30,821
For instance, this shot-quota thing
we got going.
391
00:24:31,855 --> 00:24:35,416
You ladies think we're being mean.
But we're just doing our job.
392
00:24:35,535 --> 00:24:38,698
Things get out of hand,
it's bad for everybody.
393
00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:41,697
That's kind of what fascists say.
394
00:24:43,255 --> 00:24:46,020
I may be related to Mussolini
on my mother's side.
395
00:24:48,575 --> 00:24:50,464
It's a joke.
396
00:24:50,535 --> 00:24:53,505
Maybe you could put something
in the newsletter about the guards.
397
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,577
Show everybody we're human.
398
00:24:55,655 --> 00:24:57,703
“Guards. They're just like us.”
399
00:24:58,735 --> 00:25:00,464
I wouldn't go that far.
400
00:25:01,135 --> 00:25:03,866
How about... “Guards.
401
00:25:05,175 --> 00:25:06,904
They're people too.”
402
00:25:09,055 --> 00:25:10,898
So, uh...
403
00:25:13,215 --> 00:25:18,062
tell me... what do you like to do
in your spare time?
404
00:25:28,975 --> 00:25:30,864
Hi- Ow!
405
00:25:30,935 --> 00:25:32,903
- What is the matter with you?
- So much.
406
00:25:32,975 --> 00:25:35,182
You show up at my house
like fucking Squiggy with a hard-on.
407
00:25:35,255 --> 00:25:37,622
Maybe next time you decide to make
some deranged declaration of love...
408
00:25:37,695 --> 00:25:39,618
to an emotional zombie
with a blocked milk duct...
409
00:25:39,695 --> 00:25:42,301
and a husband who recently purchased
an Aleutian hunting spear...
410
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:43,945
you could consider calling first.
411
00:25:44,015 --> 00:25:47,098
Okay, look, Polly,
I am spiraling out. Okay?
412
00:25:47,175 --> 00:25:50,179
I am. I-I-I- You know,
you have this idea of what your life is-
413
00:25:50,255 --> 00:25:52,019
I can't do this, Larry!
414
00:25:52,095 --> 00:25:53,824
- Okay.
- I'm serious.
415
00:25:53,895 --> 00:25:56,182
- It's just stupid.
- I know.
416
00:25:56,255 --> 00:25:59,498
I mean, yes, we were friends before we
even started dating Pete and Piper...
417
00:25:59,575 --> 00:26:01,896
and, yes, you drove me to the hospital
when I was in labor...
418
00:26:01,975 --> 00:26:04,103
and handled all the paperwork
and the nurses...
419
00:26:04,175 --> 00:26:07,224
and, yes, you were the only one there for me
when my husband checked out of fatherhood...
420
00:26:07,335 --> 00:26:09,542
so he could go on a month-long mission
of self-exploration...
421
00:26:09,615 --> 00:26:13,904
and you're funny, but also boring
in all the right ways, and-
422
00:26:13,975 --> 00:26:16,342
What the hell am I saying?
Just fuck me.
423
00:26:20,535 --> 00:26:23,186
- I don't- I don't know what this means.
- Shut up.
424
00:26:23,935 --> 00:26:25,539
Okay, listen. Listen.
425
00:26:25,615 --> 00:26:27,504
I haven't had sex in months...
426
00:26:27,575 --> 00:26:29,543
so there's
a better-than-average chance that I-
427
00:26:29,615 --> 00:26:30,980
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
428
00:26:36,815 --> 00:26:38,817
Did you say something
about a blocked milk duct?
429
00:26:38,895 --> 00:26:40,260
Just stay to the right.
430
00:26:43,895 --> 00:26:45,579
It's like sending a letter.
431
00:26:45,655 --> 00:26:48,386
There's a box, you type in a question
and the answer comes up.
432
00:26:48,455 --> 00:26:50,423
Who's on the other end looking it up?
433
00:26:50,495 --> 00:26:54,500
Nobody. It's in the wires.
434
00:26:54,575 --> 00:26:58,261
It's all the information in the world.
435
00:26:58,335 --> 00:27:03,023
You're telling me
all the information in the world is in wires?
436
00:27:04,535 --> 00:27:06,663
But people are still stupid, right?
437
00:27:09,255 --> 00:27:13,055
Hey, Red, I could, uh,
really use some matches.
438
00:27:13,135 --> 00:27:14,546
- Matches.
- Yeah.
439
00:27:14,615 --> 00:27:16,105
Good.
440
00:27:16,175 --> 00:27:20,863
I was just thinking our chances of dying
in some nut-job arsonist's fire bomb...
441
00:27:20,935 --> 00:27:22,858
weren't high enough already.
442
00:27:22,935 --> 00:27:25,256
I won't let anyone else touch 'em.
443
00:27:25,335 --> 00:27:27,497
Come on. I'm just trying
to get my smoke on.
444
00:27:29,015 --> 00:27:32,144
And what exactly are you smoking?
445
00:27:33,055 --> 00:27:34,659
The black girls got cigs.
446
00:27:35,495 --> 00:27:38,260
If you need muscle,
Taslitz killed a guy with an ax.
447
00:27:38,335 --> 00:27:40,542
That was before the arthritis.
448
00:27:41,775 --> 00:27:46,576
Boo, much as I'd like to help you
spend the rest of your life in solitary...
449
00:27:46,655 --> 00:27:48,305
I'm busy.
450
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:52,380
Come back later, and I'll see about
getting you some cookies or something.
451
00:27:54,815 --> 00:27:56,499
Oh, man.
452
00:27:58,215 --> 00:28:00,024
That's a shot, inmate.
453
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:02,666
- For what?
- Damaging government property.
454
00:28:02,735 --> 00:28:05,864
- That is horseshit, and you know it.
- You want one for obscenity too?
455
00:28:13,295 --> 00:28:15,582
So, I'm thinking
that Lorna can be assistant editor...
456
00:28:15,655 --> 00:28:18,898
help us come up with ideas of things
to write about and people to write them.
457
00:28:18,975 --> 00:28:22,218
- So, you got two white girls in charge.
- Ah, shit.
458
00:28:22,295 --> 00:28:24,536
I just think it should be based on
who earned it, is all.
459
00:28:24,615 --> 00:28:26,504
I did yearbook in high school, so-
460
00:28:26,575 --> 00:28:28,577
Yearbook isn't even a real class.
461
00:28:28,655 --> 00:28:31,022
You just take photographs
and smoke weed.
462
00:28:31,095 --> 00:28:32,824
Everybody knows that.
463
00:28:32,895 --> 00:28:35,626
Anyway, I already wrote a column.
464
00:28:36,255 --> 00:28:37,780
Let me see.
465
00:28:37,855 --> 00:28:39,345
Look. I drew this.
466
00:28:39,415 --> 00:28:43,261
It's about being in jail with, like,
animals at the zoo.
467
00:28:46,055 --> 00:28:48,501
Why is the walrus in such a bad mood?
468
00:28:48,575 --> 00:28:51,579
Oh, that's, um, Mr. Healy.
469
00:28:51,655 --> 00:28:52,986
This is fantastic.
470
00:28:53,055 --> 00:28:55,342
- You already made your first mistake.
- Says who?
471
00:28:55,415 --> 00:28:58,862
If you could care less, that means
you still care. You know what I'm saying?
472
00:28:58,935 --> 00:29:01,586
'Cause, like, it is possible
for you to care less.
473
00:29:01,655 --> 00:29:04,181
No, no, I'm saying...
474
00:29:04,255 --> 00:29:07,896
however much you care,
I could care less than you.
475
00:29:08,015 --> 00:29:10,382
That's not what it means.
476
00:29:10,455 --> 00:29:13,220
It should be,
“I couldn't care less.” See?
477
00:29:13,295 --> 00:29:16,219
Because you hit bottom with caring.
478
00:29:16,295 --> 00:29:18,218
Yo, Chapman, tell her.
479
00:29:18,295 --> 00:29:20,821
I mean, technically, yes.
480
00:29:20,895 --> 00:29:23,899
But I think this is
one of those things like- like “literally”...
481
00:29:23,975 --> 00:29:27,024
where the colloquial usage of the word
eventually wins out.
482
00:29:27,095 --> 00:29:29,860
- Languages evolve.
- Why you got to be like that?
483
00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:34,896
Look, the point is,
everybody knows what I'm trying to say.
484
00:29:34,975 --> 00:29:38,502
- Why you gotta be a dick about it?
- It's called grammar, tonta.
485
00:29:38,575 --> 00:29:40,543
I'm so glad I found you, Roberta.
486
00:29:40,615 --> 00:29:43,061
- Are you okay?
- No. I'm being followed.
487
00:29:43,175 --> 00:29:46,145
It's the damn Irish.
I can't go back to the pen.
488
00:29:46,215 --> 00:29:48,024
No touching, Cavanaugh.
489
00:29:52,895 --> 00:29:55,136
Oh, that is so sad.
490
00:29:57,575 --> 00:30:02,502
- What are you gonna write about?
- I was thinking, like, an advice column.
491
00:30:02,575 --> 00:30:06,182
People write about their problems,
and then I tell them to get their shit together.
492
00:30:08,015 --> 00:30:11,337
Mmm. Got a bunch of the baseball ones.
My favorite.
493
00:30:11,455 --> 00:30:13,935
You know I got you covered.
494
00:30:14,015 --> 00:30:16,017
- Cindy.
- Yo.
495
00:30:16,095 --> 00:30:17,620
Got something for me?
496
00:30:17,695 --> 00:30:20,016
So, here's the thing- No.
497
00:30:21,455 --> 00:30:24,299
- Maybe you'd care to explain.
- Not everyone had stamps.
498
00:30:24,375 --> 00:30:27,822
They didn't know you was looking for 'em.
Doesn't mean they shouldn't get a smoke.
499
00:30:27,895 --> 00:30:30,626
Well, actually, that's exactly what it means.
500
00:30:30,695 --> 00:30:32,220
It's called commerce.
501
00:30:32,295 --> 00:30:34,821
Oh, I let 'em trade for it old school.
502
00:30:34,935 --> 00:30:37,905
Like the red man.
503
00:30:39,535 --> 00:30:42,903
Bitch, trust me.
You do not want to short Vee.
504
00:30:42,975 --> 00:30:45,182
She will go Wolverine on your ass.
505
00:30:45,255 --> 00:30:47,019
All right, listen.
506
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:50,224
I'll sell the next ones for a couple
bucks extra and make up the difference.
507
00:30:51,295 --> 00:30:53,741
If you can't be trusted with the package,
you can't be selling.
508
00:30:53,815 --> 00:30:56,386
- From now on, you're on maintenance.
- What that supposed to mean?
509
00:30:56,455 --> 00:30:57,945
You do what Suzanne's been doing.
510
00:30:58,015 --> 00:31:01,576
You roll smokes for everyone to sell,
package them, sweep up behind.
511
00:31:01,655 --> 00:31:03,259
I ain't doing grunt work.
512
00:31:03,335 --> 00:31:05,497
When you've paid off your debt,
you'll get another chance.
513
00:31:05,575 --> 00:31:07,065
Fuck that.
514
00:31:17,255 --> 00:31:19,178
Take her place...
515
00:31:19,255 --> 00:31:20,700
if you want to.
516
00:31:20,815 --> 00:31:22,419
Uh-
517
00:31:24,495 --> 00:31:26,224
Yeah. I'll think about it.
518
00:31:30,695 --> 00:31:32,538
I ain't scared of you.
519
00:31:45,935 --> 00:31:48,063
Say it, Moni! Say it, M-
520
00:31:55,175 --> 00:31:57,906
- Okay.
- You like them other kids?
521
00:31:57,975 --> 00:31:59,545
They're okay.
522
00:31:59,615 --> 00:32:02,698
Some of them make fun of me,
say I'm a nerd.
523
00:32:02,815 --> 00:32:05,056
And I don't got a cell phone.
524
00:32:05,135 --> 00:32:08,059
They say I must have got named
after that tense girl on Friends.
525
00:32:08,135 --> 00:32:09,705
Man, that's some bullshit.
526
00:32:09,775 --> 00:32:12,062
You was named after Monica
from Love & Basketball...
527
00:32:12,135 --> 00:32:16,220
played by Miss Sanaa Lathan,
who, by the way, is so un-uptight...
528
00:32:16,295 --> 00:32:18,980
she hooked it up with Denzel,
and he married!
529
00:32:19,535 --> 00:32:21,025
Ma says that's a rumor.
530
00:32:21,095 --> 00:32:23,826
It ain't no rumor.
And Ma is boring anyway.
531
00:32:23,895 --> 00:32:25,385
Shit.
532
00:32:25,455 --> 00:32:27,423
Yo! Is that my boy Martin?
533
00:32:27,495 --> 00:32:30,465
- I thought his ass in jail.
- He got out last month.
534
00:32:30,535 --> 00:32:32,139
Watch this.
535
00:32:33,895 --> 00:32:36,102
No way. I'll hit you back.
536
00:32:36,575 --> 00:32:39,101
What you doing here, dog?
I thought your ass was in jail.
537
00:32:39,175 --> 00:32:41,576
Oh, please.
I'm too slick for that shit.
538
00:32:41,655 --> 00:32:45,546
- Hi.
- I got a government job out at Pittsburgh.
539
00:32:45,615 --> 00:32:48,937
Oh, this is crazy. You gotta come upstairs
and say hey to Fozzie.
540
00:32:49,015 --> 00:32:52,815
- Shit. Fozzie around too?
- He's gonna wet himself when he sees you.
541
00:32:52,895 --> 00:32:56,661
I'm gonna go upstairs for 10 minutes.
You stay right here. A'ight?
542
00:32:56,735 --> 00:32:59,306
Hey, hey-
Oh, hold up.
543
00:32:59,415 --> 00:33:01,861
Twenty minutes, tops.
I promise.
544
00:33:03,535 --> 00:33:05,025
Love you.
545
00:33:05,095 --> 00:33:07,143
Yo! Boy, give me some!
546
00:33:07,255 --> 00:33:09,144
- No, bring that shit in.
- Come on, man!
547
00:33:09,255 --> 00:33:12,862
So what'd you end up doing
with all them lightbulbs?
548
00:33:24,695 --> 00:33:26,345
Hey. Wanda.
549
00:33:32,735 --> 00:33:34,385
I, um-
550
00:33:36,375 --> 00:33:38,343
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
551
00:33:38,415 --> 00:33:40,338
It's a little late for that.
552
00:33:42,415 --> 00:33:44,736
I screwed up.
Things were just moving so fast.
553
00:33:44,815 --> 00:33:48,740
I'm of an age, Scott.
You gotta shit or get off the pot.
554
00:33:52,895 --> 00:33:55,102
Give me another chance.
555
00:33:56,335 --> 00:33:58,019
I'll move in.
556
00:33:59,135 --> 00:34:02,105
I'll bring the Vitamix and everything.
557
00:34:03,575 --> 00:34:05,737
I miss you.
558
00:34:11,615 --> 00:34:13,265
Come here, Panda.
559
00:34:21,735 --> 00:34:24,136
I missed you too.
560
00:34:27,095 --> 00:34:30,463
I've learned some things about
the female anatomy I think you might enjoy.
561
00:34:41,175 --> 00:34:43,177
What the fuck did you do
to my girl Maritza?
562
00:34:43,255 --> 00:34:45,656
- They were blackmailing me.
- She wasn't gonna say nothing.
563
00:34:45,735 --> 00:34:48,261
You think she's trying to get my baby daddy
locked up so he can't provide?
564
00:34:48,335 --> 00:34:50,064
That's not a risk I can take.
565
00:34:50,135 --> 00:34:53,617
That is my sister in here.
I don't even like the bitch. But she's family.
566
00:34:53,735 --> 00:34:55,578
What am I supposed to do? Tell me.
567
00:34:55,695 --> 00:34:59,142
Am I supposed to let every Spanish girl
around here start pushing me around?
568
00:34:59,215 --> 00:35:00,580
I'm a CO.
569
00:35:00,655 --> 00:35:03,864
What do you think happens when they see me
giving an inmate airplane bottles of Jäger?
570
00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:06,586
Maybe you should have thought of it
when you didn't want to wear a condom. Huh?
571
00:35:06,655 --> 00:35:09,784
“I'm gonna pull out, baby.
It takes too long to come with a rubber.”
572
00:35:09,855 --> 00:35:11,778
- That's not fair, and you know it.
- Fuck you.
573
00:35:11,855 --> 00:35:14,062
I just used obscenity.
You gonna write me a shot?
574
00:35:14,135 --> 00:35:16,024
- Daya, I'm-
- Assaulting an officer.
575
00:35:16,135 --> 00:35:18,024
Write me a shot.
576
00:35:18,135 --> 00:35:20,866
What, pussy?
Come on. Huh?
577
00:35:20,935 --> 00:35:25,941
- I'm not writing you a shot.
- But you could if you wanted to, right?
578
00:35:26,015 --> 00:35:28,063
Because you have a choice.
579
00:35:28,135 --> 00:35:30,376
You have the power.
580
00:35:30,455 --> 00:35:32,617
I'm an inmate.
581
00:35:32,695 --> 00:35:35,346
I have nothing.
582
00:35:40,415 --> 00:35:43,066
Jesus, I hate the elderly.
583
00:35:43,135 --> 00:35:46,696
Ladies and gentlemen,
your next state senator.
584
00:35:46,775 --> 00:35:50,382
You want to talk infrastructure
or flood levels...
585
00:35:50,455 --> 00:35:52,856
or whatever- too bad.
586
00:35:52,935 --> 00:35:56,018
It's the same goddamn question
every time.
587
00:35:56,095 --> 00:35:59,656
No, Andy Rooney, I am not
gonna touch your fucking Medicare.
588
00:35:59,735 --> 00:36:03,057
Say what you got to say.
The geezers vote.
589
00:36:03,135 --> 00:36:04,705
Oh.
590
00:36:05,655 --> 00:36:08,261
Do you think my hair looks too shiny?
591
00:36:10,895 --> 00:36:12,863
Hey, so, City Post is reporting...
592
00:36:12,935 --> 00:36:15,142
Rowley's PAC
just got a major donation...
593
00:36:15,215 --> 00:36:19,345
from, um, what's-his-face,
the golf course guy.
594
00:36:19,415 --> 00:36:22,259
They put it at a million and a half.
595
00:36:23,175 --> 00:36:24,984
Oh, fuck.
596
00:36:25,055 --> 00:36:28,423
I bet Rowley danced like a little monkey whore
for it too, that dick stain.
597
00:36:28,975 --> 00:36:31,376
That's it then. We're fucked.
598
00:36:33,215 --> 00:36:34,819
You can take off, Gavin.
599
00:36:34,895 --> 00:36:36,499
Cool.
600
00:36:37,895 --> 00:36:39,465
Great speech today, sir.
601
00:36:42,095 --> 00:36:44,097
It was very powerful.
602
00:36:50,095 --> 00:36:53,224
Listen, we're not giving up.
603
00:36:53,295 --> 00:36:55,297
We'll figure this out.
We've got options.
604
00:36:55,375 --> 00:36:57,025
I am stressed, babe.
605
00:36:57,095 --> 00:37:00,463
I have this reporter buzzing around Litchfield
like a Bob fucking Woodward.
606
00:37:00,535 --> 00:37:02,458
He's not gonna find anything.
I promise.
607
00:37:02,535 --> 00:37:06,665
Sure, buddy. Let's worry about funding
luxury bathrooms for these ladies.
608
00:37:06,735 --> 00:37:08,658
Dual-action showerheads.
The works.
609
00:37:08,735 --> 00:37:10,942
Don't bother fixing the sentencing laws...
610
00:37:11,015 --> 00:37:14,019
guaranteeing a fair trial for everyone
and a competent lawyer.
611
00:37:14,095 --> 00:37:16,826
- No, no. Let's give them loofahs.
- I know. I know.
612
00:37:16,895 --> 00:37:19,819
People can be so... small.
613
00:37:19,895 --> 00:37:21,943
We're gonna win. I promise.
614
00:37:23,095 --> 00:37:25,177
And then we can get to work...
615
00:37:25,255 --> 00:37:27,462
fixing what's really important.
616
00:37:27,535 --> 00:37:30,698
We're the good guys.
We'll find the money.
617
00:37:31,655 --> 00:37:33,578
We'll get a house in Albany.
618
00:37:33,655 --> 00:37:35,657
Maybe finally have a kid.
619
00:37:35,735 --> 00:37:39,103
If you want to have a kid, you might
actually have to have sex with me.
620
00:37:47,055 --> 00:37:48,898
You know, I'm-
621
00:37:50,255 --> 00:37:53,304
I'm exhausted all the time.
This is so draining.
622
00:37:53,415 --> 00:37:55,656
I know. I'm sorry. I just-
623
00:37:58,055 --> 00:38:01,059
I just want to feel like you want me.
624
00:38:03,495 --> 00:38:05,816
I more than want you, babe.
625
00:38:07,175 --> 00:38:08,825
I need you.
626
00:38:32,335 --> 00:38:33,825
G'day, mate!
627
00:38:33,895 --> 00:38:35,784
I'm just kidding.
628
00:38:35,855 --> 00:38:37,698
Who even says that?
629
00:38:37,775 --> 00:38:40,301
I had to get out of the house for a bit.
630
00:38:40,375 --> 00:38:44,266
Polly has been a pill today.
631
00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:47,457
I watched the baby all afternoon.
632
00:38:47,535 --> 00:38:51,142
I told her to go spin
or whatever it is that she does.
633
00:38:51,215 --> 00:38:55,823
And then when she gets back,
she's in an even weirder mood than before.
634
00:38:57,135 --> 00:38:59,900
Bitches. Am I right?
635
00:39:01,095 --> 00:39:03,097
So, what's up with you, mate?
636
00:39:13,055 --> 00:39:15,535
I'm afraid to get in.
637
00:39:16,535 --> 00:39:19,425
The water is so cold.
638
00:39:21,615 --> 00:39:24,744
You always talk me into things.
639
00:39:26,095 --> 00:39:27,620
All right.
640
00:39:28,495 --> 00:39:30,418
The hell with it.
641
00:39:31,415 --> 00:39:33,577
Here I come!
642
00:40:15,175 --> 00:40:17,143
Get out the tree!
643
00:40:18,975 --> 00:40:21,979
I don't mess with trees, generally.
644
00:40:23,135 --> 00:40:26,139
Why you sneaking around
all stealth and shit?
645
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:28,138
You ain't the damn Pink Panther.
646
00:40:29,855 --> 00:40:31,584
You're funny, aren't you?
647
00:40:31,655 --> 00:40:33,976
Always joking, always clownin'.
648
00:40:35,215 --> 00:40:37,821
We can't laugh in here,
what else we got?
649
00:40:37,895 --> 00:40:40,057
That's a fair point.
650
00:40:40,135 --> 00:40:44,459
Problem is when jokes are all you've got.
651
00:40:45,495 --> 00:40:47,862
You're like the grasshopper in the story...
652
00:40:47,935 --> 00:40:51,382
living for today, having a fine time.
653
00:40:51,455 --> 00:40:54,379
No responsibilities,
no plans, no ambition.
654
00:40:54,455 --> 00:40:57,379
Carpe diem, right?
655
00:40:59,175 --> 00:41:02,224
Someone even smarter than you said that.
656
00:41:02,295 --> 00:41:04,218
Yeah, well, that probably worked back then...
657
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:07,504
when folks were expected
to check out before 40.
658
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:10,939
Thing is...
659
00:41:11,015 --> 00:41:13,382
if you're not building a future...
660
00:41:13,455 --> 00:41:16,618
that's because
you don't believe there is a future.
661
00:41:17,775 --> 00:41:20,699
You've given up on yourself.
662
00:41:23,455 --> 00:41:25,378
You're a loser.
663
00:41:28,015 --> 00:41:29,699
Hmm.
664
00:41:38,575 --> 00:41:40,657
Are you out of your mind?
665
00:41:40,735 --> 00:41:44,182
I'm up waiting till midnight for you,
no idea where you are.
666
00:41:44,255 --> 00:41:46,178
Everything's cool.
We got held up, is all.
667
00:41:46,255 --> 00:41:48,622
The girl is nine years old.
668
00:41:48,735 --> 00:41:50,544
Her clothes reek of pot smoke.
669
00:41:50,615 --> 00:41:52,185
Oh!
670
00:41:52,255 --> 00:41:54,826
She ain't smoke nothin'.
I ain't no psycho.
671
00:41:54,895 --> 00:41:59,025
This is my fault for letting you take her.
672
00:41:59,095 --> 00:42:02,542
You just jealous 'cause she like me
more than you. Admit it.
673
00:42:02,615 --> 00:42:04,583
Don't you flatter yourself.
674
00:42:04,655 --> 00:42:07,977
She would like anyone who showed up here
every once in a blue moon...
675
00:42:08,055 --> 00:42:11,218
and gave her presents
they didn't even come by honest.
676
00:42:12,015 --> 00:42:14,905
I can do whatever I want
with my own damn daughter.
677
00:42:21,335 --> 00:42:24,703
You lost all right
to call her your daughter...
678
00:42:24,775 --> 00:42:26,664
when you left her here with me.
679
00:42:26,735 --> 00:42:28,783
You think I lost my right?
680
00:42:28,855 --> 00:42:30,983
How 'bout this?
681
00:42:31,055 --> 00:42:34,423
Why don't we tell her the truth
and see who she choose?
682
00:42:34,495 --> 00:42:36,816
Don't you dare do that to her.
683
00:42:36,895 --> 00:42:38,545
She old enough now.
684
00:42:38,615 --> 00:42:42,017
You ain't tellin' her nothin'
and then walk out and leave her.
685
00:42:42,095 --> 00:42:45,542
You want to tell her? Fine.
You go on and tell her.
686
00:42:45,615 --> 00:42:48,459
- But then you got to take her.
- Well, maybe I will.
687
00:42:48,535 --> 00:42:51,698
And what kind of care
you gonna provide for that child?
688
00:42:51,775 --> 00:42:54,255
You gonna pick her up
every day from school?
689
00:42:54,335 --> 00:42:56,258
Take her to her piano class?
690
00:42:56,335 --> 00:42:59,703
You gonna braid her hair,
sit up at nights when she's sick...
691
00:42:59,775 --> 00:43:02,221
clean up her vomit
down on your hands and knees?
692
00:43:02,295 --> 00:43:04,536
- What, you don't think I can do that shit?
- You take her then.
693
00:43:04,615 --> 00:43:08,745
If you think you can do a better job
of raising her than me, be my guest.
694
00:43:08,855 --> 00:43:10,983
Take her! Go!
695
00:43:23,615 --> 00:43:25,902
You have a plant.
696
00:43:25,975 --> 00:43:28,057
For the greenhouse.
697
00:43:28,135 --> 00:43:30,456
It's rosemary from my bush at home.
698
00:43:30,535 --> 00:43:32,902
Grows into a whole new plant.
699
00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:36,986
Anyway...
700
00:43:38,175 --> 00:43:40,143
sorry I had to crack the whip yesterday.
701
00:43:40,215 --> 00:43:41,944
No, it's- It was-
702
00:43:42,055 --> 00:43:43,659
This job may look easy, but-
703
00:43:43,735 --> 00:43:45,658
it isn't.
704
00:43:47,295 --> 00:43:48,899
I got ambition, you know.
705
00:43:48,975 --> 00:43:50,864
I could be warden one day.
706
00:43:50,935 --> 00:43:53,506
This whole shot-quota thing,
who knows if it works?
707
00:43:53,575 --> 00:43:56,101
The people upstairs, they like plans.
They like initiative.
708
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:58,223
Y-You got to show 'em you're operating.
709
00:43:59,015 --> 00:44:00,824
I understand.
710
00:44:01,295 --> 00:44:04,504
Some people, they got no ambition at all.
711
00:44:04,575 --> 00:44:07,943
They just want to skate by, drink beer...
712
00:44:08,015 --> 00:44:11,064
do as little as possible.
713
00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:14,981
Luschek, for instance.
714
00:44:15,815 --> 00:44:17,579
Luschek's nice.
715
00:44:18,335 --> 00:44:21,703
Sure. If you like that kind of thing.
716
00:44:21,775 --> 00:44:23,777
I like talking to him.
717
00:44:23,855 --> 00:44:27,018
It's nice chatting with someone
who gets what you do all day. You know?
718
00:44:27,095 --> 00:44:29,097
Like work stuff.
719
00:44:34,295 --> 00:44:36,377
Okay.
720
00:44:36,455 --> 00:44:39,061
- Gonna bring this outside.
- See you tomorrow.
721
00:44:55,575 --> 00:44:58,738
- Yo, are you sure about this font?
- Yo. Yo. Really?
722
00:44:59,655 --> 00:45:01,703
Look, Bennett ain't gonna file
the paperwork for Maritza.
723
00:45:01,775 --> 00:45:04,381
He was just trying to teach her a lesson.
She'll be out tomorrow.
724
00:45:04,455 --> 00:45:06,025
I didn't say anything about Maritza.
725
00:45:06,095 --> 00:45:07,779
You're acting like an uptight bitch.
726
00:45:07,855 --> 00:45:11,177
Well, just because you're doing a comic
doesn't mean you have to use comic sans.
727
00:45:11,255 --> 00:45:12,495
- Wha-
- That's stupid.
728
00:45:12,575 --> 00:45:14,145
Hater.
729
00:45:14,215 --> 00:45:17,298
I never would have thought instant coffee
could be used for eye shadow.
730
00:45:17,375 --> 00:45:21,505
Oh, yeah, hon. It tastes like ass,
so it's actually better as a cosmetic.
731
00:45:21,575 --> 00:45:24,101
Who would have thought
that Caputo had a turtle?
732
00:45:24,175 --> 00:45:26,098
I had him pegged as a bird guy.
733
00:45:26,175 --> 00:45:27,939
Madam Editor.
How you doing?
734
00:45:28,695 --> 00:45:30,743
We're actually all assistant editors here.
735
00:45:30,815 --> 00:45:34,900
Oh, you mean like a TV show
with all those names rolling by up front.
736
00:45:34,975 --> 00:45:36,704
Can't all be that important.
737
00:45:36,775 --> 00:45:39,904
I assure you that everyone here
is vital to the operation.
738
00:45:39,975 --> 00:45:41,215
Mm-hmm.
739
00:45:41,295 --> 00:45:43,138
Check this out, Mr. Healy.
740
00:45:43,215 --> 00:45:45,058
What's this?
741
00:45:45,135 --> 00:45:46,705
Comics?
742
00:45:47,775 --> 00:45:49,903
Hey, good artwork.
743
00:45:50,015 --> 00:45:53,701
Hey, Mr. Healy, I was wondering
if you've heard anything about my furlough.
744
00:45:53,775 --> 00:45:56,619
Hey, bureaucracy, you know?
I'll call around and check.
745
00:45:56,695 --> 00:45:58,379
Hey, when did this happen?
746
00:45:58,455 --> 00:46:01,265
Oh, that's just to keep him
off our backs, you know.
747
00:46:01,335 --> 00:46:03,986
- Ego.
- Good thinking, Chapman.
748
00:46:04,815 --> 00:46:06,817
All right, carry on.
749
00:46:06,895 --> 00:46:09,375
That walrus is hilarious.
750
00:46:11,975 --> 00:46:13,545
Give me my shit.
751
00:46:26,415 --> 00:46:28,417
There's more where that came from.
752
00:46:28,495 --> 00:46:30,020
I know.
753
00:46:30,095 --> 00:46:32,826
Because I invented the yogurt thing.
754
00:46:32,935 --> 00:46:36,178
Have some originality, Mendoza, huh?
755
00:46:37,615 --> 00:46:40,778
Okay, I- I didn't ask for any of this.
756
00:46:43,095 --> 00:46:46,497
There's a waiting list,
but I'll see what I can do.
757
00:46:46,615 --> 00:46:49,095
What do you want?
758
00:46:49,175 --> 00:46:51,576
A nice mud mask?
759
00:46:51,655 --> 00:46:53,066
Or is it gum?
760
00:46:53,135 --> 00:46:56,025
Everyone suddenly
seems to want gum for some reason.
761
00:46:56,095 --> 00:46:58,223
They're making lighters with the wrappers.
762
00:46:59,575 --> 00:47:02,260
I don't like this one bit.
763
00:47:02,335 --> 00:47:04,815
Please. She sells her thing.
You sell yours.
764
00:47:04,895 --> 00:47:08,297
- It's no competition.
- Ah.
765
00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:11,060
- So you're on her side.
- No, no, no, no.
766
00:47:11,135 --> 00:47:14,139
I don't want no black market shit.
767
00:47:14,215 --> 00:47:18,061
I want cilantro.
You can grow that in the garden.
768
00:47:20,775 --> 00:47:21,901
Deal.
769
00:47:23,455 --> 00:47:25,742
- Some padrón peppers?
- Don't push it.
770
00:47:25,815 --> 00:47:27,340
But fine.
771
00:47:28,575 --> 00:47:30,543
Fine then.
772
00:47:34,335 --> 00:47:36,224
I'm late for somethin'.
773
00:48:19,375 --> 00:48:22,026
Ha! Boom.
774
00:48:23,215 --> 00:48:24,740
Boom, boom, boom.
775
00:48:24,815 --> 00:48:27,421
You keep taking out
all the targets in front of you.
776
00:48:27,495 --> 00:48:29,896
But you've got to think ahead, Suzanne.
777
00:48:29,975 --> 00:48:32,546
If you move there...
778
00:48:34,735 --> 00:48:36,863
what'll I do?
779
00:48:38,375 --> 00:48:40,377
It's called the long game.
780
00:48:43,975 --> 00:48:45,306
Okay.
781
00:48:45,375 --> 00:48:47,139
Okay, what?
782
00:48:49,655 --> 00:48:51,976
I'll take my medicine.
783
00:48:53,655 --> 00:48:55,145
Give her the bag.
784
00:49:03,215 --> 00:49:04,785
What's this?
785
00:49:05,655 --> 00:49:06,816
Used tampons.
786
00:49:06,895 --> 00:49:08,863
Ugh!
787
00:49:08,935 --> 00:49:13,179
Not the tampons.
Just the tubey parts. From the trash can.
788
00:49:13,255 --> 00:49:14,984
Now you just fuckin' with me.
789
00:49:15,095 --> 00:49:17,541
Tampons cost five dollars
at the commissary.
790
00:49:17,615 --> 00:49:20,061
Used applicators out of the trash-
they're free.
791
00:49:20,135 --> 00:49:22,786
Where do you think
the first batch came from?
792
00:49:22,895 --> 00:49:24,465
Somebody had to do it.
793
00:49:24,535 --> 00:49:26,105
This is disgusting.
794
00:49:26,175 --> 00:49:27,984
Yes, it is.
795
00:49:33,175 --> 00:49:35,223
Great.
796
00:49:36,895 --> 00:49:41,583
Officer Roberts, guard detail, central library.
797
00:49:47,735 --> 00:49:50,500
- I'm thirsty.
- Drink the water I gave you.
798
00:49:50,575 --> 00:49:52,577
But I don't want water.
I want juice.
799
00:49:52,655 --> 00:49:54,737
You're gonna have to wait
till we get through security.
800
00:49:54,815 --> 00:49:57,341
But I'm thirsty now.
801
00:49:59,375 --> 00:50:01,059
Do you have kids?
802
00:50:03,695 --> 00:50:05,060
No.
803
00:50:05,815 --> 00:50:07,658
Thanks. Let's go, baby.
804
00:50:11,215 --> 00:50:13,900
All right. Next, please.
805
00:50:20,055 --> 00:50:22,899
I'm not going.
I'm not going.
806
00:50:23,615 --> 00:50:24,946
I'm not going.
807
00:50:25,015 --> 00:50:28,815
Roberta!
Don't let them take me! Roberta!
808
00:50:29,975 --> 00:50:32,945
Roberta.
I'm not going.
809
00:50:33,015 --> 00:50:34,619
Not going!
810
00:50:34,695 --> 00:50:37,175
Please tell me
that they're taking her to get help.
811
00:50:37,255 --> 00:50:39,337
They're taking her to the bus station.
812
00:50:39,415 --> 00:50:42,066
She thinks that Lyndon Johnson
is president.
813
00:50:42,135 --> 00:50:46,026
She needs full-time care
in a dedicated facility.
814
00:50:46,095 --> 00:50:48,780
- Let go of me!
- They're not gonna pay for that.
815
00:50:48,855 --> 00:50:51,335
What about her family?
816
00:50:51,415 --> 00:50:54,578
She has a daughter in Stockholm.
They don't speak.
817
00:50:54,695 --> 00:50:56,743
So she's out on the street?
818
00:50:58,655 --> 00:51:00,339
It's called...
819
00:51:00,415 --> 00:51:02,383
compassionate release.
820
00:51:03,055 --> 00:51:05,626
Roberta!
821
00:51:06,975 --> 00:51:10,536
Roberta!
822
00:52:32,115 --> 00:52:40,115
Ripped By mstoll