1 00:01:10,015 --> 00:01:12,256 What do I think love is? 2 00:01:13,895 --> 00:01:17,422 Uh, it's like when someone makes your stomach feel all tight... 3 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:20,226 but floaty at the same time, you know? 4 00:01:21,335 --> 00:01:24,225 And your cheeks hurt from smiling. 5 00:01:24,295 --> 00:01:26,184 You smile so much... 6 00:01:26,255 --> 00:01:28,417 that people think somethings wrong with you. 7 00:01:28,495 --> 00:01:30,020 Love is light. 8 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,303 Acceptance. 9 00:01:36,695 --> 00:01:38,185 Fire. 10 00:01:38,255 --> 00:01:39,780 Pain. 11 00:01:40,895 --> 00:01:42,420 Horrible pain. 12 00:01:43,975 --> 00:01:45,739 That you want again and again. 13 00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,704 And also fucking. 14 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:51,985 24-7, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking. 15 00:01:53,375 --> 00:01:54,865 Oh, you know me. 16 00:01:54,935 --> 00:01:58,382 I got so much to say about love. 17 00:02:02,015 --> 00:02:04,256 And one year, this Wall Street guy... 18 00:02:04,335 --> 00:02:06,622 flew me in a helicopter to DC. 19 00:02:06,695 --> 00:02:08,220 For serious? 20 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:11,538 Valentine's Day makes guys go crazy. They love it. 21 00:02:11,615 --> 00:02:13,504 Men hate Valentine's Day. 22 00:02:14,495 --> 00:02:16,020 They don't act like they hate it. 23 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:18,177 That's because you look like Sofía Vergara. 24 00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:21,145 Them things is real. I once saw her jogging in Tribeca. 25 00:02:21,215 --> 00:02:23,536 Ian hasn't visited in so long. 26 00:02:23,615 --> 00:02:25,583 It'd be nice if he showed up tomorrow. 27 00:02:25,655 --> 00:02:27,544 But he's only got a Vespa... 28 00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,583 and it's too cold to ride this far. 29 00:02:29,655 --> 00:02:31,464 One year, Yadriel got me flowers. 30 00:02:31,535 --> 00:02:34,823 He stole them from his cousin's funeral. It was so sweet. 31 00:02:34,895 --> 00:02:36,499 Please. Valentine's Day was invented... 32 00:02:36,575 --> 00:02:39,579 to make people feel like shit if they're not part of some perfect couple. 33 00:02:39,655 --> 00:02:42,784 - True. - Diablo says there are no perfect couples... 34 00:02:42,855 --> 00:02:45,426 but each couple is perfect in its own way. 35 00:02:46,895 --> 00:02:50,058 It must be hard being locked up on Valentine's Day. 36 00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,260 That's all. 37 00:02:52,335 --> 00:02:54,337 Aw. Thank you, Fischer. 38 00:02:54,415 --> 00:02:56,304 That was really empathetic of you. 39 00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:59,265 - You want a cookie? - Oh, sure. Thank you. 40 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:09,215 Ripped By mstoll 41 00:03:10,615 --> 00:03:13,698 - You need some water, Fischer? - I'll be fine. 42 00:03:14,855 --> 00:03:18,541 I knew she didn't swallow. 43 00:03:28,415 --> 00:03:30,144 Hi. 44 00:03:30,215 --> 00:03:33,139 Where'd you make reservations for tomorrow night? 45 00:03:34,135 --> 00:03:35,341 What? 46 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:38,817 Shh. I'm trying to pretend like we're a normal couple. 47 00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:41,899 Oh. Um... 48 00:03:41,975 --> 00:03:45,696 well, I got us a table for two at Lorenzo's. 49 00:03:45,775 --> 00:03:47,265 The one by the fireplace. 50 00:03:48,455 --> 00:03:51,140 I can't wait for you to see my dress. 51 00:03:51,215 --> 00:03:53,821 It's sexy, but not slutty. You know. 52 00:03:55,575 --> 00:03:57,065 I can't wait to see it. 53 00:03:58,295 --> 00:04:01,822 Mamita. Uh, can you get me another bag of flour? 54 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,021 Here. 55 00:04:09,735 --> 00:04:11,225 What's this? 56 00:04:11,295 --> 00:04:13,024 It's a list. 57 00:04:13,095 --> 00:04:15,336 Wanna keep the mother-in-law happy, right? 58 00:04:15,415 --> 00:04:18,737 I figured I might as well make use of Sleepy Hollow... 59 00:04:18,815 --> 00:04:20,544 before the other shoe drops. 60 00:04:20,655 --> 00:04:22,145 Get it? 61 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,742 So this is what Vee negotiated for us- using these broke-ass showers? 62 00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:34,136 - Man, that's some broke-ass negotiating. - You think? 63 00:04:34,215 --> 00:04:36,582 You do know that long showers are bad for you. 64 00:04:36,655 --> 00:04:41,377 Yeah. Yeah. Mess with your keratinocytes and whatnot. 65 00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:43,776 Hey, Suzanne. Shut the fuck up. 66 00:04:47,815 --> 00:04:52,025 Man, why the hell would I leave the library? It's the best job here. 67 00:04:52,095 --> 00:04:53,585 Because books do not pay the rent. 68 00:04:53,655 --> 00:04:57,102 Books do not bourguignonne the beef. We are startin' something. 69 00:04:57,175 --> 00:05:00,019 I don't wanna join custodial. 70 00:05:00,095 --> 00:05:01,665 And yet I am still asking you. 71 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,737 No way. No. 72 00:05:06,735 --> 00:05:09,136 Do you know how easy it would have been for me to say no... 73 00:05:09,215 --> 00:05:11,536 when you said, “Vee, get me out of this group home... 74 00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:15,506 save me from the sick, fuck-faced foster father I got”? 75 00:05:15,575 --> 00:05:16,656 Huh? 76 00:05:16,735 --> 00:05:18,339 It's not fair. 77 00:05:18,415 --> 00:05:20,383 Fair? Girl, please. 78 00:05:20,455 --> 00:05:23,982 Fair is where you go get you some cotton candy, where you ride the tilt-a-whirl. 79 00:05:24,055 --> 00:05:25,978 I'm looking for Jack. 80 00:05:27,335 --> 00:05:28,905 He's not here. 81 00:05:29,015 --> 00:05:30,779 He buys me chocolates every year. 82 00:05:30,855 --> 00:05:32,380 We're on a fixed income, of course... 83 00:05:32,455 --> 00:05:35,857 but he's got to treat his Duckie right, he says. 84 00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:39,940 And if he can't find me, they'll be wasted. 85 00:05:43,215 --> 00:05:46,822 Fuck. Kill me in my sleep if I ever get like that. 86 00:05:46,895 --> 00:05:48,784 Look, you gonna think about it, right? 87 00:05:48,855 --> 00:05:51,779 And then you gonna do as I say. 88 00:05:51,855 --> 00:05:52,822 Aah! 89 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,296 It's just chillin', you know? 90 00:05:55,415 --> 00:05:57,895 Kickin' it with somebody, talking... 91 00:05:57,975 --> 00:06:00,421 making mad stupid jokes. 92 00:06:00,495 --> 00:06:06,025 And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep 'cause... 93 00:06:06,135 --> 00:06:08,820 then you might be without 'em for a minute. 94 00:06:08,895 --> 00:06:10,784 And you don't want that. 95 00:06:20,935 --> 00:06:23,541 Mmm. 96 00:06:23,615 --> 00:06:25,424 And... done. 97 00:06:25,495 --> 00:06:27,702 Ah, who's next? Who's next? 98 00:06:27,775 --> 00:06:29,265 Whoo! 99 00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:38,616 Get a room! 100 00:06:38,695 --> 00:06:40,902 German, fool. Talk it. 101 00:06:40,975 --> 00:06:42,739 Zing? Zinger? 102 00:06:42,815 --> 00:06:46,262 Das Zimmer. You're part of a community. Respect its language. 103 00:06:46,335 --> 00:06:47,825 My father's part of a community. 104 00:06:47,895 --> 00:06:50,580 I'm the unfortunate appendage he drags about... 105 00:06:50,655 --> 00:06:53,465 wherever your fight against terror takes him. 106 00:06:55,855 --> 00:06:58,506 How many times have you had to move in your short little life? 107 00:06:58,575 --> 00:07:01,545 Too many. But this is the end of the road. 108 00:07:01,615 --> 00:07:03,344 My pops promised. 109 00:07:04,855 --> 00:07:06,744 How do you say “I'd like to watch... 110 00:07:06,815 --> 00:07:11,343 as you two make sweet, sweet lady love” in German? 111 00:07:11,415 --> 00:07:14,498 Nein, motherfucker. Nein. 112 00:07:21,815 --> 00:07:23,579 This job is bullshit. 113 00:07:23,655 --> 00:07:26,898 No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle. 114 00:07:26,975 --> 00:07:31,697 Ain't no puzzle. Makes electrical look good. 115 00:07:31,775 --> 00:07:34,460 I can't believe I let that old bitch talk me into this. 116 00:07:34,535 --> 00:07:37,744 I wouldn't speak ill of Miss Parker's methods. 117 00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:39,499 She wouldn't tolerate such words. 118 00:07:39,575 --> 00:07:42,146 Hey. Now, Watson got the right... 119 00:07:42,215 --> 00:07:44,786 to express her discomfort for her new job. 120 00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,823 Just because cleaning quiets your discombobulation... 121 00:07:46,895 --> 00:07:48,943 doesn't mean it does so for everyone. 122 00:07:49,015 --> 00:07:52,781 Point well made, Moppet. Point well made. 123 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:58,778 You such a dumb-ass. 124 00:07:58,855 --> 00:08:01,256 Hey, Watson. You look a little tired. 125 00:08:01,375 --> 00:08:03,946 Maybe I could come by later and massage your quads. 126 00:08:04,015 --> 00:08:06,302 Get the fuck outta here. 127 00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:08,423 Whatever y'all got going on in here- 128 00:08:08,495 --> 00:08:10,782 taking over custodial- I want a piece. 129 00:08:10,855 --> 00:08:12,744 I use it to cover my eyes. 130 00:08:12,815 --> 00:08:16,297 That way, you know, I won't see anything. 131 00:08:16,375 --> 00:08:21,905 Tomorrow night, I am going to put the “V” in your Valentine. 132 00:08:23,575 --> 00:08:25,418 That's right. Fuck me. 133 00:08:25,495 --> 00:08:29,261 Hey, Warren, who gonna be your Valentine this year? 134 00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:32,179 You always battin' them freaky blacks at somebody. 135 00:08:32,255 --> 00:08:37,625 No, no. This year, I'm lovin' someone who deserves me- me. 136 00:08:39,055 --> 00:08:40,625 Loser. 137 00:08:40,695 --> 00:08:42,777 - Shut up. - Whatever. 138 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,823 Depressing-ass time of year, you ask me. 139 00:08:44,895 --> 00:08:46,420 Motherfucker! 140 00:08:47,455 --> 00:08:48,945 Shit! 141 00:08:49,015 --> 00:08:50,779 You pissed your pants? 142 00:08:52,935 --> 00:08:54,937 I'm-a go find you a diaper. 143 00:08:56,695 --> 00:08:59,505 Your attention, please. Visiting hours are now open. 144 00:08:59,575 --> 00:09:02,943 All prisoners are free to go to the visiting room. 145 00:09:05,655 --> 00:09:08,022 Tomorrow's Florence Henderson's birthday. 146 00:09:08,095 --> 00:09:10,575 - What? - Valentine's Day. 147 00:09:10,695 --> 00:09:12,220 Florence Henderson's birthday. 148 00:09:12,295 --> 00:09:15,265 We should be having our annual naked Brady-thon celebration... 149 00:09:15,335 --> 00:09:17,986 and I should be doing some kind of a striptease to “Sunshine Day”... 150 00:09:18,055 --> 00:09:21,457 and then maybe something- maybe something with... Wesson oil, if that- 151 00:09:21,535 --> 00:09:22,821 Piper. 152 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,226 Hmm? 153 00:09:25,335 --> 00:09:27,099 Hi. 154 00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,460 Hi. 155 00:09:33,535 --> 00:09:35,025 Hi. 156 00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:38,257 I heard about your grandma. 157 00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:42,020 Larry. 158 00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:46,824 I want my home. 159 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,337 When I get out of here... 160 00:09:52,055 --> 00:09:53,659 I wanna come home. 161 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,975 That's quite the statement. 162 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,185 You sure about that? 163 00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:07,578 Yeah. 164 00:10:07,655 --> 00:10:09,145 I'm sure. 165 00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:12,377 Well, I'm not asking you. 166 00:10:14,175 --> 00:10:16,177 I'm asking future Piper... 167 00:10:17,095 --> 00:10:19,257 free Piper. 168 00:10:19,335 --> 00:10:22,020 Can you guarantee that you still will? 169 00:10:22,095 --> 00:10:24,666 Future Piper hopes so. 170 00:10:26,455 --> 00:10:29,345 Present Larry can't live on hope. 171 00:10:29,415 --> 00:10:32,305 Wasabi peas and peanut butter pretzels apparently, but not hope. 172 00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:34,264 Please don't mention those things... 173 00:10:34,335 --> 00:10:36,463 unless you're hiding some up your butt for me. 174 00:10:39,415 --> 00:10:41,543 Piper. 175 00:10:43,295 --> 00:10:47,857 This, uh- This reporter from City Post, Andrew Nance... 176 00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:53,544 he, um- he asked me about financial irregularities here. 177 00:10:53,615 --> 00:10:57,859 Uh, vendors that don't exist, buildings that were never built. 178 00:10:57,935 --> 00:11:00,336 And I was like, “Fuck that.” 179 00:11:00,415 --> 00:11:03,498 Why should he write it? I'll write it. 180 00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,339 Write what? 181 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,144 An article- 182 00:11:07,215 --> 00:11:10,298 with you investigating from the inside. 183 00:11:10,375 --> 00:11:13,584 Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free, right? 184 00:11:13,655 --> 00:11:15,384 - Oh, my God. - What do you say? 185 00:11:15,455 --> 00:11:19,938 Oh, my God. Larry. Jesus Christ. 186 00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:21,460 - What? - You're doing it again. 187 00:11:21,575 --> 00:11:23,498 What are you talking about? 188 00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:26,624 We'll- We'll fucking expose this place, Piper. 189 00:11:26,695 --> 00:11:28,663 You're the moon, Larry. 190 00:11:28,735 --> 00:11:30,976 You have got to stop being the moon. 191 00:11:31,055 --> 00:11:34,138 - What's wrong with being the moon? - It doesn't have its own light. 192 00:11:34,255 --> 00:11:37,896 Right. So what, that- What, that makes you the sun? 193 00:11:37,975 --> 00:11:39,943 Are you the sun, Piper? 194 00:11:40,015 --> 00:11:41,699 Huh? You're the center of the solar system... 195 00:11:41,775 --> 00:11:44,824 and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock? 196 00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:47,182 How am I supposed to become my own planet, Piper... 197 00:11:47,255 --> 00:11:50,702 when your shit is still everywhere? 198 00:11:50,775 --> 00:11:53,540 Huh? You get to move on. 199 00:11:53,615 --> 00:11:58,906 You get to fuck Alex or- or whoever's next, and I am stuck. 200 00:11:58,975 --> 00:12:03,105 I'm stuck with your-your- your sweaters and your shoes... 201 00:12:03,175 --> 00:12:07,703 and your goddamn Sephora fucking outlet store worth of products. 202 00:12:07,775 --> 00:12:09,903 You are everywhere. 203 00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:15,502 It's like living inside a-a sarcophagus. 204 00:12:16,815 --> 00:12:19,341 Well, take my stuff to Polly's if it's so in your way. 205 00:12:22,135 --> 00:12:25,696 - And you mean “mausoleum,” not “sarcophagus.” - Don't tell me what I mean! 206 00:12:31,655 --> 00:12:34,101 At least people can walk on the moon. 207 00:12:35,695 --> 00:12:38,175 Anyone gets near the sun, they burn right up. 208 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,577 Vee says she's too old. 209 00:12:46,655 --> 00:12:49,181 Don't believe it for a second. 210 00:12:49,255 --> 00:12:51,223 What that woman did to me- 211 00:12:51,295 --> 00:12:52,979 People don't change. 212 00:12:53,055 --> 00:12:55,626 Hurry it up, will you! 213 00:12:55,695 --> 00:12:57,982 I'm trying, Ma. The sparks are burning my cheeks. 214 00:12:58,055 --> 00:13:00,786 Then turn your head. Where's your brother? 215 00:13:00,855 --> 00:13:02,823 He got claustrophobic. 216 00:13:02,895 --> 00:13:05,182 He's in the woods guarding the entrance. 217 00:13:05,255 --> 00:13:07,861 I'm just so sad, Mamushka. 218 00:13:07,935 --> 00:13:09,585 I'm sorry she left you, Vasily... 219 00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:12,226 but I'm sure you did something to deserve it. 220 00:13:12,295 --> 00:13:14,184 I used to watch her sleep... 221 00:13:14,255 --> 00:13:18,499 and pray for the strength to stop ruining everything, Ma. 222 00:13:18,575 --> 00:13:20,976 And how did that work out for you? 223 00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:24,184 Oh, no work today. Come back tomorrow. 224 00:13:24,255 --> 00:13:27,623 - Well, Jack said he would be out here. - I saw him get into a taxi. 225 00:13:27,695 --> 00:13:29,584 A taxi? 226 00:13:30,695 --> 00:13:32,299 Out here? 227 00:13:32,415 --> 00:13:34,144 Imagine that. 228 00:13:34,215 --> 00:13:36,821 Thank you, young lady. 229 00:13:38,015 --> 00:13:41,701 Hurry it up, will you! 230 00:13:51,855 --> 00:13:54,301 - Mama! - You and your disgusting whining. 231 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,106 If you want your woman back, go get her. 232 00:13:57,175 --> 00:13:58,665 Now hand up the shit. 233 00:13:59,295 --> 00:14:00,820 Come on! 234 00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:06,986 - When you get out of here- - Mm-hmm. 235 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,740 Who do you imagine yourself going home to? 236 00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:11,738 Fiona Apple in the “Criminal” video. 237 00:14:11,815 --> 00:14:13,499 Ah. 238 00:14:13,575 --> 00:14:16,704 Stupid question. What about you? 239 00:14:17,735 --> 00:14:19,339 I always thought it would be Larry... 240 00:14:19,415 --> 00:14:22,066 but I think it's time to reimagine. 241 00:14:22,135 --> 00:14:26,299 This stupid fuckin' holiday. 242 00:14:26,375 --> 00:14:30,300 Listen. If you want, I can help you forget what day it is. 243 00:14:30,375 --> 00:14:33,936 - Yeah, or your name, for that matter. - You know, no. 244 00:14:34,015 --> 00:14:36,143 I am not interested in being a prize- 245 00:14:36,215 --> 00:14:39,537 albeit a shockingly undervalued one- 246 00:14:39,615 --> 00:14:42,903 - in your little sex game. - Fine. 247 00:14:42,975 --> 00:14:48,664 I lost my manipulative, gorgeous, psychopath ex... 248 00:14:48,735 --> 00:14:52,865 and my sweet, kind... 249 00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:56,098 unfocused fiancé. 250 00:14:57,615 --> 00:14:59,663 I don't have a home anymore. 251 00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:01,180 Yeah, Chapman. You do. 252 00:15:02,855 --> 00:15:04,664 This shitpile! 253 00:15:04,735 --> 00:15:06,578 Home, sweet home. 254 00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,180 Look, I gotta say... 255 00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,542 your unfocused fiancé's on the right track with this article shit. 256 00:15:10,615 --> 00:15:13,824 This is, like, my 20th time trying to fix the short in this panel alone. 257 00:15:13,895 --> 00:15:15,420 Nobody's spending money here. 258 00:15:17,895 --> 00:15:19,579 Hey. 259 00:15:19,655 --> 00:15:21,419 Gallego said you were looking for me. 260 00:15:21,495 --> 00:15:25,545 Oh, Joe. These phone calls- they're amazing. 261 00:15:25,615 --> 00:15:27,299 Listen. 262 00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:30,822 I said to keep an eye on him, not fuck him. 263 00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:33,102 It was only in the ass. It don't count. 264 00:15:33,175 --> 00:15:34,984 - I'm telling Mom. - Whoa. 265 00:15:35,055 --> 00:15:38,218 I know. Anyway, it's so interesting, all these lives. 266 00:15:38,295 --> 00:15:40,946 - It's like reading Dickens. - That's good. 267 00:15:41,015 --> 00:15:43,097 Showing initiative. 268 00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:45,462 Maybe it'll help get Fig off my ass. 269 00:15:45,535 --> 00:15:49,779 She asked me to impose a shot quota. It's ridiculous. 270 00:15:49,855 --> 00:15:52,381 I love that you stand up to her. 271 00:15:54,815 --> 00:15:58,501 So, how are things going with, um- 272 00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:00,259 What's his name? 273 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:04,420 They're not... going. He wore a lot of vests. 274 00:16:04,495 --> 00:16:06,224 Ah. 275 00:16:06,295 --> 00:16:09,265 Well, that- that happens. You- 276 00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:12,862 You know, I- I play in this band. 277 00:16:12,935 --> 00:16:15,506 You're in a band? Wow. 278 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:19,136 Yeah? Yeah. 279 00:16:19,215 --> 00:16:21,786 It's no big deal. I- 280 00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:25,576 We play in town tomorrow night. You wanna come? 281 00:16:25,655 --> 00:16:28,386 Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party. 282 00:16:30,135 --> 00:16:31,705 I'll get you off. 283 00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:35,185 I'll-I'll get you off the schedule. 284 00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:36,984 Uh, I- I- 285 00:16:37,055 --> 00:16:39,581 I-I can get your shift covered. l-It's fine. 286 00:16:39,655 --> 00:16:41,623 Well, I do love music. 287 00:16:41,695 --> 00:16:44,380 - That'd be awesome. Thanks. - Great. 288 00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:48,945 - I'll see you there then. - Okay. 289 00:16:52,935 --> 00:16:57,816 I had this thing with my boss at Long John Silver's... 290 00:16:57,895 --> 00:17:01,138 and then I found out his wife was wicked hot. 291 00:17:02,735 --> 00:17:05,306 That was nice. 292 00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:07,662 “How do you know I'm mad?” said Alice. 293 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:11,535 “You must be,” said the cat, or you wouldn't have come here.” 294 00:17:11,615 --> 00:17:14,858 Mmm. Shit. You right. 295 00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:17,541 Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison. 296 00:17:18,575 --> 00:17:20,816 R.J.'s mom was named Alice. 297 00:17:20,935 --> 00:17:23,461 Oh, yeah? She fall down a rabbit hole? 298 00:17:23,535 --> 00:17:25,822 - Nah, a crack hole. - Ah. 299 00:17:25,895 --> 00:17:28,739 She found a little rock said “Smoke me” on it. 300 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:32,262 That's- That's not funny. That shit was serious. 301 00:17:33,215 --> 00:17:35,616 “Smoke me.” Man, you a dumb-ass. 302 00:17:35,695 --> 00:17:38,062 Jefferson, say good-bye. You're on custodial now. 303 00:17:38,135 --> 00:17:39,660 Already? 304 00:17:39,735 --> 00:17:41,385 Wait. You leavin? 305 00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,099 Yeah. 306 00:17:43,175 --> 00:17:45,576 Remember I told you Vee was gettin' something together? 307 00:17:45,655 --> 00:17:48,545 But why would you leave the library, man? You know you love it here. 308 00:17:48,615 --> 00:17:50,105 You don't understand. 309 00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:52,619 I owe her. 310 00:17:54,175 --> 00:17:56,860 She could probably get you transferred, I bet. 311 00:17:56,935 --> 00:18:01,418 Nah. Nah, I know when I got it good. 312 00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,179 Yeah, okay. 313 00:18:04,255 --> 00:18:07,145 Well, I'll see you at dinner. 314 00:18:24,575 --> 00:18:26,065 Sorry. 315 00:18:30,295 --> 00:18:31,945 Okay. 316 00:18:38,855 --> 00:18:40,857 Yeah? 317 00:21:18,335 --> 00:21:20,656 - Just this. - It's on the list. 318 00:21:20,735 --> 00:21:22,305 It's fucking vapor. 319 00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:26,141 Give me a break, Eliqua. Caputo's up my ass today. Put it in your car. 320 00:21:26,215 --> 00:21:28,058 Next. 321 00:21:37,655 --> 00:21:40,340 Pat-downs are mandatory now. 322 00:21:51,895 --> 00:21:53,738 I'm just kidding. 323 00:21:53,815 --> 00:21:56,386 I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit. 324 00:21:56,455 --> 00:21:58,617 Happy Valentine's Day. 325 00:21:58,695 --> 00:22:00,185 Next. 326 00:22:10,655 --> 00:22:12,180 Look at this shit. 327 00:22:13,895 --> 00:22:16,705 You're lucky you're pretty. You know that, right? 328 00:22:17,895 --> 00:22:20,136 What does that one say? 329 00:22:20,215 --> 00:22:24,425 Ian. In case he shows up today. I'm stupid. 330 00:22:31,495 --> 00:22:34,066 I'm so glad we're family. 331 00:22:50,855 --> 00:22:53,665 Happy Valentine's Day. 332 00:22:53,735 --> 00:22:55,225 Thanks. 333 00:22:57,255 --> 00:23:00,498 Are you cooking up something special for me today? 334 00:23:00,575 --> 00:23:02,543 The house smells great. 335 00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,902 That's what you're gonna expect me to do? 336 00:23:04,975 --> 00:23:08,422 Cook for you, be your little housewife, huh? It's not happening. 337 00:23:08,495 --> 00:23:11,817 No, no. I- I thought we were playing the- 338 00:23:11,895 --> 00:23:13,340 I don't care if you cook. 339 00:23:13,415 --> 00:23:17,977 Sorry. I've just been depressed today. 340 00:23:18,055 --> 00:23:20,456 I don't wanna play the normal game anymore. 341 00:23:20,535 --> 00:23:23,618 'Cause I don't know how we ever are gonna be normal. 342 00:23:29,095 --> 00:23:31,382 Just so you know, counselors can be a great resource... 343 00:23:31,455 --> 00:23:34,061 if you need to talk or cry or something. 344 00:23:34,135 --> 00:23:36,376 - Who'd you get? - Healy. 345 00:23:36,455 --> 00:23:37,980 - Oh. - What's wrong? 346 00:23:38,055 --> 00:23:41,855 Nothing. I just get the sense that none of the girls really like him. 347 00:23:41,935 --> 00:23:44,336 But you're tough. You'll be fine. 348 00:23:45,935 --> 00:23:50,577 Have you noticed we've been blowing a lot of fuses around here lately? 349 00:23:50,655 --> 00:23:52,657 You're just noticing this place is falling apart? 350 00:23:52,735 --> 00:23:55,705 Doesn't the prison have a budget for infrastructure? 351 00:23:55,775 --> 00:23:57,664 Sure. 352 00:23:57,735 --> 00:24:01,023 And what happened to the electrical budget from last quarter? 353 00:24:01,095 --> 00:24:05,145 It went to upgrading the “A” block grid and loading-dock panel. 354 00:24:05,255 --> 00:24:08,020 - Really? We did that? - That's what the budget report says. 355 00:24:08,095 --> 00:24:10,223 - So we did it? - Okay. 356 00:24:10,295 --> 00:24:11,740 - So it happened? - Why not? 357 00:24:11,815 --> 00:24:13,658 I don't understand. 358 00:24:13,735 --> 00:24:16,056 Trust me, you don't want to. 359 00:24:16,135 --> 00:24:18,263 Congratulations. Hour's up. 360 00:24:18,335 --> 00:24:21,179 You just earned another 11 cents. 361 00:24:26,255 --> 00:24:30,704 All right, everybody. Dolphin pose. 362 00:24:38,375 --> 00:24:40,457 I think I can help you with the dolphin pose. 363 00:24:40,535 --> 00:24:42,902 The trick is to make sure that your pelvic basin- 364 00:24:42,975 --> 00:24:44,864 Get away from me. 365 00:24:59,815 --> 00:25:02,386 No way. Thanks, Red. 366 00:25:08,295 --> 00:25:10,946 Red. Bless you. 367 00:25:12,735 --> 00:25:15,261 Laundry now available for pickup. 368 00:25:15,335 --> 00:25:19,226 Now let's return to dolphin pose. 369 00:25:21,535 --> 00:25:23,025 Kukicha tea. 370 00:25:26,055 --> 00:25:27,580 Well, look who's back. 371 00:25:31,495 --> 00:25:33,304 Sorry to interrupt, girls. 372 00:25:33,375 --> 00:25:35,855 Continue with your... dolphins. 373 00:25:40,575 --> 00:25:42,737 Just bagged a four-pointer. 374 00:25:49,655 --> 00:25:51,180 We're almost tied. 375 00:25:53,975 --> 00:25:55,261 Listen up. 376 00:25:56,615 --> 00:25:59,221 This angry nonsense has to stop. 377 00:26:00,935 --> 00:26:03,666 We're going to need each other soon. 378 00:26:03,735 --> 00:26:05,419 All of us. 379 00:26:17,455 --> 00:26:19,856 Medical staff, report to the visitation hall. 380 00:26:19,935 --> 00:26:21,778 I'm not kidding, Nicky. 381 00:26:22,655 --> 00:26:25,056 We have to stick together. 382 00:26:25,135 --> 00:26:27,376 We're stronger together. 383 00:26:27,455 --> 00:26:29,537 So you try to buy their love back? 384 00:26:31,375 --> 00:26:33,025 Thanks, Red. 385 00:26:42,575 --> 00:26:45,943 Why- Why are you asking me that? 386 00:26:46,015 --> 00:26:48,586 You- You shouldn't be talking to me. 387 00:26:49,895 --> 00:26:51,738 You shouldn't be. 388 00:26:51,815 --> 00:26:53,704 Fourteen foot powders. 389 00:26:53,775 --> 00:26:55,300 Check. 390 00:26:55,375 --> 00:26:58,219 - Twenty Effergrips. - Check that. 391 00:26:58,295 --> 00:27:00,457 Remember when we sold smokes? 392 00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:03,300 God, I swear I'm gonna vote Libertarian. 393 00:27:03,375 --> 00:27:05,457 I've gotta run to my car. I'll be right back. 394 00:27:12,015 --> 00:27:14,017 Mind if I step out for a moment? 395 00:27:14,095 --> 00:27:16,097 I don't give a shit. 396 00:27:21,735 --> 00:27:23,624 Let me guess. 397 00:27:23,695 --> 00:27:26,346 “Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad... 398 00:27:26,455 --> 00:27:29,140 since y'all got Taystee transferred to custodial. 399 00:27:29,215 --> 00:27:33,061 Just left me in the library with my titties in my hand.” 400 00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,260 Close? 401 00:27:35,335 --> 00:27:39,340 Nah. You left out, "If you get her in trouble, I'll kill you." 402 00:27:42,055 --> 00:27:43,545 - Really? - You bet. 403 00:27:44,895 --> 00:27:47,501 - And how would you kill me? - I'll figure it out. 404 00:27:47,575 --> 00:27:51,022 I know she thinks she owes you. 405 00:27:51,095 --> 00:27:55,180 But from what I heard, you're just a bully... 406 00:27:55,255 --> 00:27:58,099 who uses lost kids for her own shit... 407 00:27:58,175 --> 00:28:00,416 and then dumps 'em as soon as the heat comes down. 408 00:28:00,495 --> 00:28:02,862 You're a fucking vampire. 409 00:28:02,935 --> 00:28:04,619 There was this kid growing up. 410 00:28:04,695 --> 00:28:07,062 His name was Haro Jones. 411 00:28:09,175 --> 00:28:10,939 Oh, he had these arms. 412 00:28:11,015 --> 00:28:16,385 I just wanted to lick the length of his arms. 413 00:28:16,455 --> 00:28:20,858 Then one day, I walked into the park... 414 00:28:20,935 --> 00:28:24,542 find his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt. 415 00:28:24,615 --> 00:28:26,344 Broke my poor fool heart. 416 00:28:26,415 --> 00:28:29,021 Look, lady, I don't give a fuck about your little stories and- 417 00:28:29,095 --> 00:28:31,621 Taystee... 418 00:28:31,695 --> 00:28:33,982 will... 419 00:28:34,055 --> 00:28:35,784 never... 420 00:28:35,855 --> 00:28:38,586 love... you. 421 00:28:39,735 --> 00:28:42,022 She will never love you. 422 00:28:43,815 --> 00:28:45,260 Not the way you want. 423 00:28:52,095 --> 00:28:54,336 Yo, I don't want her like that. 424 00:28:55,495 --> 00:28:59,420 I'm just looking out for her. That's all. 425 00:29:01,375 --> 00:29:04,902 Corrections officers to “B” block. 426 00:29:04,975 --> 00:29:07,455 Corrections officers to “B” block. 427 00:29:17,335 --> 00:29:21,977 Yo, Pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers was just smoking right outside my window. 428 00:29:26,735 --> 00:29:28,385 I'm so sorry. 429 00:29:28,495 --> 00:29:30,179 What? Where's Mom? 430 00:29:30,255 --> 00:29:32,178 She's fine. 431 00:29:32,255 --> 00:29:34,735 We're being transferred back to the States. 432 00:29:34,815 --> 00:29:37,978 I don't know why, but... we are. 433 00:29:39,855 --> 00:29:41,619 What? 434 00:29:41,695 --> 00:29:43,220 I'm sorry. 435 00:29:44,575 --> 00:29:46,942 I let you both down, P. 436 00:29:49,375 --> 00:29:51,377 I don't know what to say. 437 00:30:07,175 --> 00:30:08,700 All right. 438 00:30:18,415 --> 00:30:19,905 Jesus. 439 00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:36,025 You're out of bounds, Chapman. 440 00:30:37,375 --> 00:30:40,458 Well, I won't tell if you don't. 441 00:30:40,535 --> 00:30:43,300 All first-level trustees check in for kitchen duty. 442 00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:45,377 Treating us like we're prisoners. 443 00:30:47,335 --> 00:30:52,978 Hey. You know, I heard that there were plans to build a gym here. 444 00:30:53,055 --> 00:30:55,945 - Do you know what ever happened to that? - What always happens. 445 00:30:56,015 --> 00:30:58,017 I'll take it from here. 446 00:31:02,575 --> 00:31:04,498 Just looking for a faulty wire. 447 00:31:04,575 --> 00:31:07,624 Then why are you asking Maxwell about a gym? 448 00:31:07,695 --> 00:31:09,982 From what I hear, you're full of questions lately. 449 00:31:10,095 --> 00:31:15,465 You know that I have always been interested in the health and safety of others. 450 00:31:15,535 --> 00:31:17,776 I'm trying to help you with your nana. 451 00:31:17,895 --> 00:31:20,944 So, again, why are you asking all these questions? 452 00:31:29,775 --> 00:31:32,779 Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free. 453 00:31:34,135 --> 00:31:36,900 What the fuck does that mean? 454 00:31:36,975 --> 00:31:39,262 What does the press have anything to do with this? 455 00:31:42,295 --> 00:31:44,297 I'm starting a prison newsletter. 456 00:31:44,375 --> 00:31:46,503 - A newsletter? - A newsletter. 457 00:31:47,615 --> 00:31:49,185 A newsletter. 458 00:31:49,255 --> 00:31:54,341 Written by the prisoners with, um, articles... 459 00:31:54,415 --> 00:31:56,622 and op-ed pieces. 460 00:31:56,695 --> 00:32:00,142 That is why I've been trying to get out of my bubble and get to know this place. 461 00:32:00,215 --> 00:32:03,776 We- This- This is our home. 462 00:32:05,215 --> 00:32:07,741 We should all be communicating more. 463 00:32:07,815 --> 00:32:09,385 Inmates, guards... 464 00:32:09,455 --> 00:32:11,696 administration. 465 00:32:11,775 --> 00:32:17,623 This could really, really help us get to know each other... 466 00:32:17,695 --> 00:32:20,505 and this place better. 467 00:32:22,615 --> 00:32:26,700 Pending your approval, of course... 468 00:32:28,495 --> 00:32:32,386 Mr. Editor In Chief. 469 00:32:32,455 --> 00:32:33,980 Don't oversell it. 470 00:32:40,535 --> 00:32:42,503 - A newsletter. -Mmm. 471 00:32:43,935 --> 00:32:46,825 Okay. I'm not saying yes. 472 00:32:48,095 --> 00:32:50,143 Show me some sample stories by tomorrow. 473 00:32:50,215 --> 00:32:52,741 Tomorrow? Sure. Okay. Yeah. 474 00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:57,017 The girls used to like me. 475 00:33:00,535 --> 00:33:02,185 They will again. 476 00:33:05,335 --> 00:33:07,815 Hey, hey, hey. How my girls doin'? 477 00:33:13,015 --> 00:33:14,699 Ooh. 478 00:33:14,775 --> 00:33:17,142 Why you got your famous pouty face on? 479 00:33:17,215 --> 00:33:20,503 I don't understand what you're doing. 480 00:33:20,575 --> 00:33:22,862 Yeah, and how many times have you not understood my methods... 481 00:33:22,935 --> 00:33:24,937 only to have everything be made clear? 482 00:33:25,015 --> 00:33:27,256 Yeah, like when the cops were after R.J.? 483 00:33:27,335 --> 00:33:30,703 Goddamn. You done gone for the nuclear option early. 484 00:33:30,775 --> 00:33:33,540 Why don't you ever wanna talk about R.J.? 485 00:33:33,655 --> 00:33:36,420 Because it's in the past, girl. I live in the now. 486 00:33:36,535 --> 00:33:38,185 So should you. 487 00:33:38,255 --> 00:33:42,180 All damn day, I've been scrubbing toilets, defending you. 488 00:33:42,255 --> 00:33:44,735 - And I don't even believe in you anymore. - Taystee. 489 00:33:44,815 --> 00:33:47,216 No! You don't have a plan. 490 00:33:47,335 --> 00:33:50,339 You just wanna prove that you can order me around. 491 00:33:50,415 --> 00:33:53,146 - But, nah, not anymore. - Open the box. 492 00:33:53,215 --> 00:33:55,502 - What? - Open the box. 493 00:34:01,735 --> 00:34:05,023 Man, I told you. I'm done cleaning. 494 00:34:06,735 --> 00:34:08,339 What are you doin'? 495 00:34:09,895 --> 00:34:12,216 What? Tobacco? 496 00:34:14,615 --> 00:34:18,222 But where's the cleanser? Where- 497 00:34:37,615 --> 00:34:39,265 It's like getting into a bath. 498 00:34:39,335 --> 00:34:42,817 But the water is like warm chocolate pudding. 499 00:34:42,935 --> 00:34:46,906 And The Smiths are playing “There's a Light That Never Goes Out.” 500 00:34:46,975 --> 00:34:49,546 Oh. There's warm lighting all over... 501 00:34:49,615 --> 00:34:53,017 and there are, like, five dudes massaging you. 502 00:34:53,095 --> 00:34:55,382 And you have a pizza. 503 00:34:55,455 --> 00:34:58,459 She's right. And you also have a pizza. 504 00:35:04,415 --> 00:35:07,259 Hey, I got some hooch from that Greek chick with the beard. 505 00:35:12,015 --> 00:35:14,621 - That's pretty good. - Mm-hmm. 506 00:35:14,695 --> 00:35:16,424 Fischer's out today. 507 00:35:16,495 --> 00:35:19,897 Apparently having her woman time. 508 00:35:19,975 --> 00:35:22,421 Oh. Um, where's Joe? 509 00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:25,738 He's out too. Yeah. 510 00:35:25,815 --> 00:35:27,579 Let 'em have their stupid little party... 511 00:35:27,655 --> 00:35:29,225 and then don't put enough muscle on. 512 00:35:29,295 --> 00:35:31,024 So typical. 513 00:35:31,095 --> 00:35:33,575 Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus. 514 00:35:33,655 --> 00:35:36,181 I will shut this thing down in a heartbeat. 515 00:35:38,295 --> 00:35:40,297 You know what's funny? 516 00:35:41,335 --> 00:35:44,464 I'm in a women's prison, but, um... 517 00:35:45,695 --> 00:35:48,016 I don't understand women at all. 518 00:35:48,095 --> 00:35:50,496 I'll tell you something about women, Bennett. 519 00:35:50,575 --> 00:35:53,624 With women, you make 'em think you're meeting them halfway... 520 00:35:53,695 --> 00:35:56,175 when really what you're doing is you're meeting them... 521 00:35:56,255 --> 00:35:58,861 about 10 to 15 percent of the way. 522 00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:02,821 Women are really bad at math. 523 00:36:02,895 --> 00:36:04,545 Don't forget that. 524 00:36:05,855 --> 00:36:07,380 I won't, sir. 525 00:36:12,615 --> 00:36:15,539 - Did Jack call yet? - Who? 526 00:36:27,095 --> 00:36:28,699 Listen, Daya. 527 00:36:28,775 --> 00:36:31,142 I know we can't be normal, but- 528 00:36:31,215 --> 00:36:32,819 Shh. 529 00:36:32,895 --> 00:36:35,899 Take me somewhere. Now. 530 00:36:45,255 --> 00:36:47,861 Wow. They're bigger. 531 00:36:51,655 --> 00:36:53,419 Let's go. 532 00:37:30,535 --> 00:37:32,060 What is this? 533 00:37:33,535 --> 00:37:35,060 Yo. 534 00:37:37,815 --> 00:37:39,305 Close your eyes. 535 00:37:39,375 --> 00:37:41,139 - What? Why? - Close 'em. 536 00:37:44,495 --> 00:37:46,179 Open your lips. 537 00:37:48,295 --> 00:37:49,820 Less. 538 00:37:49,895 --> 00:37:51,021 - T.- - Do it. 539 00:38:00,335 --> 00:38:01,780 What? 540 00:38:01,855 --> 00:38:03,823 What's this, a cigarette? 541 00:38:05,095 --> 00:38:06,859 We in business, P. 542 00:38:06,935 --> 00:38:09,017 Vee's got a whole sales plan. 543 00:38:09,095 --> 00:38:12,178 We gettin' paid! I told you. 544 00:38:12,255 --> 00:38:15,020 Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son. 545 00:38:15,095 --> 00:38:17,985 Yah, yah, yah, ya-yah! 546 00:39:10,215 --> 00:39:13,025 Well, that was unexpected. 547 00:39:13,095 --> 00:39:14,824 Sorry. 548 00:39:14,895 --> 00:39:16,897 I was in a mood before. 549 00:39:18,895 --> 00:39:21,216 You're the sweetest man. 550 00:39:23,215 --> 00:39:24,705 Here. 551 00:39:32,295 --> 00:39:33,979 Look at the dog. 552 00:39:35,575 --> 00:39:37,577 This is so great. 553 00:39:39,095 --> 00:39:41,143 So was this. 554 00:39:41,215 --> 00:39:43,456 Mmm. Here. 555 00:39:47,135 --> 00:39:48,944 Sneaky, sneaky man. 556 00:39:53,935 --> 00:39:56,256 See? We can be a normal couple. 557 00:39:56,335 --> 00:39:59,305 Except you misspelled “Valentine's.” 558 00:40:01,255 --> 00:40:02,780 No, I didn't. 559 00:40:04,295 --> 00:40:05,785 Mendez did. 560 00:40:20,175 --> 00:40:21,665 Hi. 561 00:40:24,135 --> 00:40:26,376 I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions... 562 00:40:26,455 --> 00:40:28,184 for a newsletter we're starting. 563 00:40:28,255 --> 00:40:30,064 A newsletter. 564 00:40:30,135 --> 00:40:32,297 Okay. Good luck. 565 00:40:32,375 --> 00:40:37,381 So, since it's Valentine's Day... 566 00:40:37,495 --> 00:40:39,702 what is love to you? 567 00:40:39,775 --> 00:40:41,300 How would you define love? 568 00:40:41,415 --> 00:40:43,861 That's a retarded fucking question. 569 00:40:45,415 --> 00:40:47,304 Okay. Um- 570 00:40:48,895 --> 00:40:50,545 How about this? 571 00:40:51,575 --> 00:40:53,100 When was the last time... 572 00:40:53,175 --> 00:40:57,260 you saw any major plumbing work being done around here? 573 00:40:57,335 --> 00:40:58,939 Hmm. 574 00:40:59,015 --> 00:41:01,746 '04, '05 maybe. 575 00:41:01,855 --> 00:41:03,539 '04 or '05. 576 00:41:03,615 --> 00:41:08,462 This fatso named Donna Cusio broke three toilets in one week. 577 00:41:09,495 --> 00:41:11,657 It was a mess, man. 578 00:41:15,655 --> 00:41:17,145 I bet. 579 00:41:18,335 --> 00:41:19,860 Big, big woman. 580 00:41:21,255 --> 00:41:24,657 Inmate 3429 to the infirmary. 581 00:41:37,815 --> 00:41:42,059 I just wanted to call and wish you a happy Valentine's Day. 582 00:41:55,375 --> 00:41:57,343 I learned that for you. 583 00:41:59,335 --> 00:42:01,656 I'm a good man, Katya. 584 00:42:03,055 --> 00:42:04,580 You'll see that. 585 00:42:05,615 --> 00:42:08,346 I'm gonna make you really proud... 586 00:42:08,415 --> 00:42:11,146 to be married to this big galoot. 587 00:42:11,255 --> 00:42:12,939 I swear to- 588 00:42:27,615 --> 00:42:29,663 The fuck you mean there's no Ferris? 589 00:42:29,775 --> 00:42:31,220 No, okay, hear me out. 590 00:42:31,295 --> 00:42:34,344 Ferris is just a projection of Cameron's inability... 591 00:42:34,415 --> 00:42:35,905 to stand up to his domineering father. 592 00:42:35,975 --> 00:42:38,103 But here's the mind fuck. 593 00:42:38,175 --> 00:42:40,621 Cameron never actually leaves his room. 594 00:42:40,695 --> 00:42:42,743 Remember, he's sick. 595 00:42:42,815 --> 00:42:45,785 He invents this idealized self, Ferris... 596 00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:47,857 plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend... 597 00:42:47,935 --> 00:42:50,017 and then imagines this epic adventure... 598 00:42:50,095 --> 00:42:52,097 with car chases, parades... 599 00:42:52,215 --> 00:42:54,058 ball games, blah, blah, blah. 600 00:42:54,175 --> 00:42:56,382 So this day off is actually just a day off... 601 00:42:56,455 --> 00:42:58,264 from his rigid coherence to mind/body alignment- 602 00:42:58,335 --> 00:43:00,576 Would you please shut the fuck up? 603 00:43:02,335 --> 00:43:05,100 Sorry. It's just a theory I read. 604 00:43:08,095 --> 00:43:10,496 Next time, just sit on her face. It shuts her right up. 605 00:43:10,575 --> 00:43:12,976 I'll keep that in mind. 606 00:43:29,135 --> 00:43:30,660 Why are you ignoring me? 607 00:43:32,935 --> 00:43:36,064 Why are you ignoring me? Spit it out! Come on! 608 00:43:36,175 --> 00:43:38,576 Look, you've been lording over this group... 609 00:43:38,655 --> 00:43:40,305 like some Hillary Clinton dictator. 610 00:43:40,375 --> 00:43:41,820 - What? - And we wanna be a democracy. 611 00:43:41,895 --> 00:43:43,499 Are you calling me Hillary Clinton? 612 00:43:44,535 --> 00:43:46,936 If the pantsuit fits. 613 00:43:47,015 --> 00:43:49,666 Look, we're done with you. Right? 614 00:43:50,655 --> 00:43:53,386 Y'all are done with me? 615 00:43:53,455 --> 00:43:55,981 That's really funny. That's really funny, Leanne. 616 00:43:56,055 --> 00:43:58,137 'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton... 617 00:43:58,215 --> 00:44:02,106 then y'all must be some “sister-wife, tweaker, Slurpee-drinkin'... 618 00:44:02,175 --> 00:44:03,939 fourth-grade-readin'-level... 619 00:44:04,015 --> 00:44:08,862 Daddy-on- Cops, trailer trash” nothin'. 620 00:44:08,935 --> 00:44:12,542 And you know what? It's okay, 'cause you ain't even challenged me anyway. 621 00:44:12,615 --> 00:44:15,095 Actually, you know what? None of you did. Not one. 622 00:44:15,215 --> 00:44:17,786 You keep playing tennis with someone worse than you... 623 00:44:17,855 --> 00:44:20,665 and you ain't never gonna get better, so thank you. 624 00:44:20,735 --> 00:44:23,818 - You play tennis? - It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes. 625 00:44:25,615 --> 00:44:27,140 You know what? 626 00:44:27,215 --> 00:44:30,298 Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit. 627 00:44:30,375 --> 00:44:32,377 Whore! Whore! Whore! 628 00:44:35,575 --> 00:44:37,498 Man, that was awkward. 629 00:44:40,215 --> 00:44:41,944 - Angie? - Yeah. 630 00:44:42,015 --> 00:44:44,017 Go get me some punch. 631 00:44:46,095 --> 00:44:47,620 All right. 632 00:45:07,095 --> 00:45:09,382 Great party. 633 00:45:09,455 --> 00:45:12,982 Listen. We are so happy that you and Daya... 634 00:45:13,055 --> 00:45:17,504 are having such fun, special, secret times together. 635 00:45:17,575 --> 00:45:18,701 Oh, uh- 636 00:45:18,775 --> 00:45:20,857 And we really admire you providing for her so well... 637 00:45:20,935 --> 00:45:22,858 you know, despite the circumstances. 638 00:45:22,935 --> 00:45:24,425 We just wanted to let you know... 639 00:45:24,495 --> 00:45:28,181 that we support you 500% with our continued silence. 640 00:45:28,255 --> 00:45:31,702 Considering as such, in your next round of leg-based contraband... 641 00:45:31,775 --> 00:45:35,018 we had a couple requests that could make our aforementioned silence... 642 00:45:35,095 --> 00:45:36,620 a little bit more comfortable. 643 00:45:36,695 --> 00:45:40,302 I mean, I personally request an iPod shuffle, you know... 644 00:45:40,375 --> 00:45:43,902 loaded with Alt and Post-punk, Depeche Mode, Erasure. 645 00:45:43,975 --> 00:45:47,457 And I need Yoo-hoo and ACT fluoride rinse for my teeth. 646 00:45:47,535 --> 00:45:50,584 A cell phone with a camera. Thank you. 647 00:45:50,655 --> 00:45:52,942 Happy Valentine's Day. 648 00:45:53,015 --> 00:45:54,938 - Thanks. - Okay. 649 00:45:59,055 --> 00:46:03,344 That's a fucking low blow even for a filthy sewer rat like you, Nichols. Really? 650 00:46:03,415 --> 00:46:05,497 You told people I have crabs. 651 00:46:05,615 --> 00:46:08,061 You just found out about that? 652 00:46:08,135 --> 00:46:10,103 - It is cheating. - Come on. 653 00:46:10,175 --> 00:46:12,655 A-Rod doesn't cry when he gets plunked in Beantown. 654 00:46:12,735 --> 00:46:14,658 He sucks it up and tries to steal second. 655 00:46:14,735 --> 00:46:16,897 I've been trying to both suck and steal second... 656 00:46:16,975 --> 00:46:18,864 but I can't because everybody thinks I have cooties. 657 00:46:20,375 --> 00:46:22,776 Speaking of a set, how many you got? 658 00:46:22,855 --> 00:46:27,577 Thirty-six, after I gave Pirkle the double shocker in the showers just now. 659 00:46:27,655 --> 00:46:29,259 Really? You Pirkled? 660 00:46:29,335 --> 00:46:31,576 Oh, I Pirkled. And then I Pirkled again. 661 00:46:31,655 --> 00:46:33,100 And? 662 00:46:33,175 --> 00:46:36,224 It was gnarly. It's macro-clit. 663 00:46:36,295 --> 00:46:37,740 It was like blowing a toddler. 664 00:46:37,855 --> 00:46:39,937 - Oh, my God. - It was so uncomfortable. 665 00:46:40,015 --> 00:46:41,824 That's fucking hilarious. 666 00:46:41,895 --> 00:46:44,944 Oh, God. So, 36? 667 00:46:45,015 --> 00:46:46,744 We're tied. 668 00:46:46,815 --> 00:46:48,817 - Yep. - Yeah. 669 00:46:48,895 --> 00:46:51,341 - Have you considered maybe we just stop? - Do you wanna maybe just stop? 670 00:46:51,415 --> 00:46:52,985 - I don't have to. - If you want to. 671 00:46:53,055 --> 00:46:57,026 I'm okay with it. 'Cause we both fucked- 672 00:46:57,095 --> 00:46:58,585 Lots. 673 00:46:58,655 --> 00:47:01,056 Remind me why we did this to ourselves in the first place. 674 00:47:01,135 --> 00:47:03,342 Because I am insanely competitive. 675 00:47:03,415 --> 00:47:06,498 Yeah, and I need to feed my addictive tendencies at all times. 676 00:47:09,055 --> 00:47:10,705 Cookie-eating contest. 677 00:47:10,775 --> 00:47:13,938 Son, have you ever actually seen me? 678 00:47:14,015 --> 00:47:15,904 You are going down! 679 00:47:29,655 --> 00:47:32,340 Thanks, guys. That was for Cora. 680 00:47:32,415 --> 00:47:34,304 We're gonna miss your laugh, Corn-Dog. 681 00:47:34,375 --> 00:47:36,423 And we're gonna take five. 682 00:47:39,855 --> 00:47:41,664 Hey! 683 00:47:41,735 --> 00:47:44,102 You made it. We're just going on break. 684 00:47:44,215 --> 00:47:47,185 Wow. You look so different. 685 00:47:47,255 --> 00:47:50,577 Well, you know, I like to keep things profesh at work. 686 00:47:51,735 --> 00:47:53,783 I saved you a stool with a view. 687 00:47:53,855 --> 00:47:55,664 Oh. Actually, we're gonna need a table. 688 00:47:55,735 --> 00:47:57,305 I didn't know you were coming. 689 00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:59,264 You heard me say it sounded fun. 690 00:47:59,335 --> 00:48:01,656 I hope you don't mind. I told some of the guys about your show. 691 00:48:01,735 --> 00:48:03,464 I almost didn't make it. Get this. 692 00:48:03,535 --> 00:48:06,618 The sellers are now refusing to drop the replacement contingency. 693 00:48:06,735 --> 00:48:08,419 Would you shut up about real estate? 694 00:48:08,495 --> 00:48:10,975 I asked you to move in with me and you said no... 695 00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:13,262 so you have no talking rights here. 696 00:48:13,335 --> 00:48:16,817 This is nice. Like a double date. 697 00:48:16,895 --> 00:48:18,340 - We're not together. - We're not together. 698 00:48:18,455 --> 00:48:20,503 Actually, we're gonna need another chair. 699 00:48:20,575 --> 00:48:22,100 Why? 700 00:48:27,375 --> 00:48:29,503 You look like the gay Edge. 701 00:48:33,935 --> 00:48:34,936 Hey. 702 00:48:49,135 --> 00:48:51,741 It's like you become more you... 703 00:48:51,815 --> 00:48:55,058 which... normally is like- 704 00:48:56,815 --> 00:48:59,739 But... now it's okay... 705 00:48:59,815 --> 00:49:03,376 because the person, like... 706 00:49:05,335 --> 00:49:07,542 whoever... 707 00:49:07,615 --> 00:49:11,017 they chose to take all that on. 708 00:49:11,135 --> 00:49:12,819 All that weird stuff. 709 00:49:12,895 --> 00:49:18,061 Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you... 710 00:49:18,135 --> 00:49:20,183 suddenly, it's all right. 711 00:49:21,775 --> 00:49:24,858 You don't feel like such a freak anymore. 712 00:49:27,335 --> 00:49:28,860 Larry. 713 00:49:30,335 --> 00:49:32,337 Would the moon do this? 714 00:49:36,575 --> 00:49:39,658 I won! 715 00:49:42,935 --> 00:49:45,336 Larry. Good to see you, mate. 716 00:49:45,415 --> 00:49:48,180 Ooh! Sorry about the stink. I killed a caribou. 717 00:49:48,295 --> 00:49:50,423 Less gamy marinated in pineapple juice. 718 00:49:50,495 --> 00:49:52,543 Also makes your spunk taste good. 719 00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:54,822 So you're in luck, babe. Mwah. 720 00:49:54,895 --> 00:49:56,465 What's that? 721 00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,458 Oh. It's, uh- 722 00:49:58,535 --> 00:50:00,105 It's Piper's stuff. 723 00:50:00,175 --> 00:50:01,779 Oh, brother. Come on. 724 00:50:01,855 --> 00:50:04,779 We were just heading out for some ramen. We have a babysitter. 725 00:50:04,895 --> 00:50:06,420 I'll leave these with the doorman. 726 00:50:06,495 --> 00:50:09,385 - Pete, really, I should- - It's Valentine's Day, asshole. 727 00:50:09,455 --> 00:50:11,059 Come join us. 728 00:50:21,495 --> 00:50:23,224 Ooh! Ha! 729 00:50:32,095 --> 00:50:33,938 Um- 730 00:50:34,015 --> 00:50:36,666 I... found this in your trash. 731 00:50:36,735 --> 00:50:38,703 What is this? 732 00:50:42,455 --> 00:50:45,425 This is the guy you're always talking about? 733 00:50:46,975 --> 00:50:48,625 Mmm. 734 00:50:48,695 --> 00:50:51,346 I know something about lovin' people... 735 00:50:51,415 --> 00:50:54,066 who aren't smart enough to wanna be loved back. 736 00:50:54,135 --> 00:50:57,184 But I learned a secret that I can tell you. 737 00:50:57,255 --> 00:50:59,417 They don't deserve it. 738 00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:07,064 He's ruined this day for me forever. 739 00:51:07,135 --> 00:51:09,706 Nobody knows that we're not together. 740 00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:12,585 Yeah. But you do. 741 00:51:19,615 --> 00:51:22,061 I do. I do know. 742 00:51:28,735 --> 00:51:30,658 You know what is crazy? 743 00:51:30,775 --> 00:51:34,302 I still wanna believe in all of this stuff... 744 00:51:34,375 --> 00:51:37,538 even after everything that's happened. 745 00:51:39,175 --> 00:51:41,337 Isn't that sad? 746 00:51:41,415 --> 00:51:43,224 Oh, no. 747 00:51:43,295 --> 00:51:45,662 I think that's brave. 748 00:51:46,975 --> 00:51:48,864 Thank you. 749 00:52:02,535 --> 00:52:04,424 Seriously. 750 00:52:04,495 --> 00:52:08,136 Do you think I should get fake tits? 751 00:52:10,255 --> 00:52:13,304 Yeah. Probably. 752 00:52:21,295 --> 00:52:23,536 Asshole. 753 00:52:25,735 --> 00:52:28,181 You know what gets me? 754 00:52:28,255 --> 00:52:33,056 We're wasting the best years of our lives in here. 755 00:52:33,135 --> 00:52:36,298 Like, our tits are never gonna look better. 756 00:52:36,375 --> 00:52:40,016 Our asses are never gonna look better. 757 00:52:40,135 --> 00:52:42,502 You know, no one's touching my ass. 758 00:52:42,575 --> 00:52:44,703 No one's kissing my lips. 759 00:52:45,975 --> 00:52:47,465 Shit. 760 00:52:48,455 --> 00:52:50,457 I'll kiss your dumb lips. 761 00:52:57,375 --> 00:52:58,900 Do it again. 762 00:53:20,255 --> 00:53:23,338 No. No. 763 00:53:24,855 --> 00:53:26,380 Come here. 764 00:53:50,455 --> 00:53:53,857 Yo, P., come and show these fools how to cabbage patch for real. 765 00:53:53,935 --> 00:53:55,175 Nah, I'm good. 766 00:53:55,255 --> 00:53:57,622 - Man, don't act like everything fine. - Yo! 767 00:53:57,695 --> 00:54:01,063 I don't interrupt you when you going to town on a bunch of spaghetti. Damn. 768 00:54:01,175 --> 00:54:04,941 Yo, why don't you head on back to old Erykah Badu over there? 769 00:54:06,575 --> 00:54:08,304 I'm gonna forget you said that. 770 00:54:08,375 --> 00:54:11,458 I don't give a fuck what you forget or remember. 771 00:54:12,575 --> 00:54:15,465 Aw, shit. Great. Thanks a lot, man. 772 00:54:22,455 --> 00:54:23,980 Poussey. 773 00:54:26,255 --> 00:54:28,462 Hey! 774 00:54:29,295 --> 00:54:30,785 Hey! 775 00:54:30,855 --> 00:54:32,664 - Well? - We're not leaving. 776 00:54:32,735 --> 00:54:34,897 - Talk to the Americans. - Fuck you. 777 00:54:34,975 --> 00:54:38,536 Fuck you, man. This is your doing. You. 778 00:54:38,615 --> 00:54:41,459 Been drinking, little girl? 779 00:54:41,535 --> 00:54:44,300 You don't get to decide what happens to my life. 780 00:54:44,375 --> 00:54:46,298 Not you. 781 00:54:46,375 --> 00:54:48,343 I love her. 782 00:54:51,495 --> 00:54:54,226 And that is why you're going home. 783 00:54:57,495 --> 00:55:00,146 I'm done. I'm not going anywhere. 784 00:55:05,895 --> 00:55:08,057 Pardon us, Oberstleutnant. 785 00:55:09,815 --> 00:55:11,704 Enjoy your ice cream. 786 00:55:11,775 --> 00:55:13,459 You know, there are programs... 787 00:55:13,535 --> 00:55:18,177 that can change your daughter's... confused predilections. 788 00:55:19,375 --> 00:55:20,865 Thanks. 789 00:55:21,775 --> 00:55:23,300 But she's fine. 790 00:55:47,495 --> 00:55:49,145 Fun party. 791 00:55:49,215 --> 00:55:52,537 A party with no men, booze, real food or drugs. 792 00:55:52,615 --> 00:55:55,505 Good thing we're too old for any trouble. 793 00:55:56,655 --> 00:55:58,305 Right. 794 00:55:58,415 --> 00:56:00,065 How's the gardening going? 795 00:56:03,975 --> 00:56:08,060 Once the thaw comes, we'll really get going. 796 00:56:08,175 --> 00:56:10,746 Now, I'd ask you to join, but... 797 00:56:11,735 --> 00:56:14,500 you clearly have your own hobbies. 798 00:56:14,575 --> 00:56:17,385 We gotta have people. 799 00:56:17,455 --> 00:56:20,743 You know this will not end well. 800 00:57:55,615 --> 00:57:57,617 What about you, Chapman? 801 00:57:59,055 --> 00:58:01,979 It's like coming home after a long trip. 802 00:58:07,295 --> 00:58:09,297 That's what love is like. 803 00:58:12,295 --> 00:58:14,024 It's like coming home. 804 00:58:17,815 --> 00:58:19,385 Thanks for asking. 805 00:59:31,815 --> 00:59:39,815 Ripped By mstoll