1 00:01:11,119 --> 00:01:18,119 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 2 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,998 A colleague of mine e-mailed that to me this morning. 3 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,669 Apparently it was posted on PrisonPoon.com, 4 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,830 Iabeled as "Litchfield Poonanny." 5 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:39,318 Does your colleague often browse PrisonPoon.com? 6 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,871 I would like to solve this problem before the warden finds out about it, Joe. 7 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,678 Neither of us wants to see what happens if he, 8 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,115 or, God forbid, the press, get a hold of this. 9 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:54,110 Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, 10 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,317 but how do we know for sure it came out of here? 11 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,038 Notice the tile? 12 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,477 Either one of your inmates has a cell phone... 13 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,589 There's no way. 14 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,319 My guys tore the bunks apart looking for the screwdriver. 15 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,756 Then it's a CO. And he's taking beaver shots of inmates. 16 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,159 So much better. 17 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,152 The warden'll love that almost as much as he loves a dick in the ass. 18 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,668 Well, what the warden does with his free time... 19 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,718 I will get to the bottom of this, ma'am. 20 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,789 I hope so. 21 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,509 It is so depressing dealing with a man who makes less than 40 K. 22 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,910 I was really hoping to get you above that this year. 23 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,314 Christ. 24 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,314 Freckle guy in Admin is really into Photoshop. 25 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,394 Useful. 26 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:47,913 Are you back on carbs? 27 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:52,272 My gut's all fucked up from my cheat day, so I'm sticking to soft foods. 28 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,956 Got some Go-Gurt in the fridge for lunch. 29 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,595 Watermelon Meltdown flavor, so... 30 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,632 Fig's on the warpath. 31 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,637 Might want to hide out in your office today. 32 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,998 Between the Baptists and the addicts, 33 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,709 I can't find a peaceful place to meditate on love and acceptance, 34 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,234 which my Buddhist faith requires. 35 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,469 Mr. Healy, 36 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,313 we're having a real hard time praising the Lord 37 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,675 in front of all these heathens and sinners. 38 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,955 We need our chapel. It's our God-given right. 39 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,195 Hey, Mr. Healy, 40 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,589 would you take a look at this? 41 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,557 I think it might be the flu. 42 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,671 Mr. Healy, them cracker meth-head bitches won't let us change the channel. 43 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,192 And it's our turn! I can't watch no more Toddlers and Tiaras. 44 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,876 Don't you triviatize. 45 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,029 This shit is serious. 46 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,350 I won't support the sexuation of baby girls. 47 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,192 That's some nasty shit, 48 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,953 even if some of they sequin dresses do be on point. 49 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,749 You into some dirty shit, Mr. Healy? 50 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,311 Fine! You have control of the TV schedule from now on. 51 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:14,834 I'll get you a remote. 52 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,795 Now, don't bother me for 24 hours. No, no, no. Make it 48 hours. 53 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,509 Yes, sir! 54 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,316 ...could do it. She's been taking tap since she was 3. 55 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,589 Planet Earth 24/7, bitches! 56 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,038 In this climate... 57 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,719 Is that how you wear your hair these days? 58 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,796 Oh, really, Mom? Every time? 59 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,074 Don't be mopey. 60 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,594 Polly had the most darling French braid yesterday. 61 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:46,755 You saw Polly? 62 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,354 Yes. I dropped by with a baby present. 63 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,670 She told me about your little chicken incident. 64 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:52,749 Is that what she called it? 65 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,071 It's none of my business, but I think you owe her an apology. 66 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,355 I have been trying to apologize! 67 00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,634 Keep it down, Chapman! 68 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:02,515 Oh, my. 69 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,875 I have been calling her. A lot. But she won't answer the phone. 70 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,319 I need you to be very honest with me. 71 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,189 Are you losing it in here? 72 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:21,711 Because we're very worried about you. There are medications. 73 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,518 I am not going crazy. 74 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,471 I am surrounded by crazy, 75 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,439 and I am trying to climb Everest in flip-flops, 76 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,829 but I am not going crazy, okay? 77 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,874 Honey, nobody would blame you. Look at this place. 78 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,153 You're incarcerated. 79 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:43,032 God only knows the emotional toll it must take to be in here with that woman. 80 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,711 She is the least of my problems. 81 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,229 She's your entire problem, Piper. 82 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,598 You'd be home trying on wedding dresses, growing your business, 83 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,474 giving me grandchildren, if it weren't for her. 84 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,150 She stole all that from you. 85 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,309 Mom. 86 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,549 Yes. 87 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,392 I need you to hear what I'm gonna say. 88 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,198 I need you to really hear it. 89 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,037 I am in here 90 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,919 because I am no different from anybody else in here. 91 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,118 I made bad choices. 92 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,911 I committed a crime. 93 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:27,037 And being in here is no one's fault but my own. 94 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,310 Honey, if that lawyer had done... 95 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,634 Howard. 96 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,549 Larry's father's name is Howard. 97 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,948 You never would have ended up in here if you'd gone to trial. 98 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,272 Sweetheart, you're nothing like any of these women. 99 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,556 Any jury worth its salt would have seen that. 100 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,351 Darling, you were a debutante. 101 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,957 Visiting hours will be over at noon. 102 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,158 You may return at 2:00 pm. for the afternoon and evening hour. 103 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,718 You look like her. 104 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,275 That's what I'm told. 105 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,628 You don't think so? 106 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,079 I prefer to be in denial about the shared genetics. 107 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,194 You are in denial about a lot of things, blondie. 108 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,914 I'm a WASP. That's what we do. 109 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,590 I'm working on it. Are you waiting for somebody? 110 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,036 Nah. Wouldn't want to ruin my four-month dry spell. 111 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:09,358 Yeah, well, after that visit, that's starting to sound appealing. 112 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,313 Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here. 113 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,392 Your mother shows up, buys you pretzels. Poor you. 114 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,118 We all have our shit, Nicky. 115 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,989 Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit, princess. 116 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,997 You don't know how my shit smells. 117 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,229 Sure I do. 118 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,830 Your shit smells like Shalimar. 119 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,316 Must have rubbed off when she hugged you goodbye. 120 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,674 What a bitch. 121 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,150 Nicole! It's time to wake up. 122 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:57,549 Mom? 123 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,910 Bacterial infection in your heart. 124 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,270 Usually introduced from a dirty needle. 125 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,710 They also found traces of cocaine in your blood, 126 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,109 which is a fun new choice for you. 127 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,118 I had pneumonia. 128 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,798 It must've spread or something. 129 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,193 Seriously, I'm clean. 130 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,111 Ironically enough, you are now. 131 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,475 You had several blood transfusions during the surgery. 132 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,998 Must have been a pretty bad case of pneumonia. 133 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,197 What, you gotta call Paolo? 134 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,271 Make sure he's surviving without your tit to suck on? 135 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,231 You are 26 years old. 136 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:48,278 Isn't it time you gave up this angry, I-hate-Mom phase? 137 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,072 Holy shit! 138 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,392 You're my mom! 139 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,074 See, I could have sworn it was that brown woman who made me pancakes 140 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,513 and read me Charlotte's Web at night. 141 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,756 I did what was good for you. 142 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,519 Living with a nanny while you lived in a separate apartment with that prick 143 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,870 who thought children carried germs? That's for my own good? 144 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,870 I think if you take a second and look at our current situation, 145 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,149 you might reconsider. 146 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,073 Do you know what? Keep blaming everyone but yourself, Nicole. 147 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,594 Seems to be working out really well for you so far. 148 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,274 I always miss you until you're here. 149 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,998 Then I realize the mom I miss must've been someone I invented when I was a kid. 150 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,956 I don't know what more you want from me. 151 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,673 I want you to do things mothers do. 152 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:35,275 I don't know, hold me, give me sips of water. 153 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:38,475 Anything. 154 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,599 They told me you were gonna die. 155 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,558 I'm done, okay? 156 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,268 I'll stay clean. 157 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,359 Hey, Ma. 158 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,595 What that... 159 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,233 Fucking slut. 160 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,634 Aleida, it's not worth it. 161 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,039 Aleida! Aleida! 162 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,269 Fucking bitch! 163 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,189 Yo, respect your mother. 164 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,152 Why? She never acted like no mom. 165 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,355 You okay? 166 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,759 Shit. 167 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,791 Baby watch, day 232. 168 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,674 Painting the nursery. Mimosa yellow, non-toxic, obvs. 169 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,268 Leave a message, but it might take me a while to get back to you, 170 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,238 because, you know, I'm preparing to bring forth new life. 171 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,719 I got noth i n'. 172 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:47,559 And you have no knowledge of anyone taking his or her cell phone 173 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:52,077 out of his or her locker during his or her shift? 174 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,956 If I were you, I'd ask Mendez. He looks guilty. 175 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,798 It's probably the mustache. 176 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,030 You ever notice how guys with mustaches 177 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,588 always look like they just fingered a little girl? 178 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,239 How about a camera? 179 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,192 You see anyone with a camera? 180 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,474 Nope. 181 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:22,752 You have not observed 182 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:29,712 or participated in any inappropriate activity 183 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,556 or relation with an inmate? 184 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,516 No, sir. It's... 185 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,631 Because, in here, 186 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:48,474 inappropriate can mean a smile 187 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,236 at the wrong time, Bennett. 188 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:57,473 These women are hungry, if you get my meaning. 189 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,159 Yes, sir. 190 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,113 They want sex, is what I mean. 191 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,194 Understood, sir. 192 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,998 Good. We're done here. We're done. 193 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,109 Mr. Caputo? 194 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,517 Come in. Susan, have a seat. 195 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,599 Congratulations on becoming a Litchfield correctional officer. 196 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,274 We really appreciate you coming in so soon. 197 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,075 CO Thompson came... 198 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,671 This is confidential, of course. 199 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,753 Well, he came a little undone 200 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:42,868 and is currently on temporary/permanent leave. 201 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,919 The inmate will have to wear an eye patch for a few weeks. 202 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,914 Well, I'll be sure to keep my hands to myself, sir. 203 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,952 Except during strip searches, I hope. Right? 204 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:02,470 Anyway, I just wanted to personally make sure you're settling in okay 205 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:09,238 and bring you up to speed on our current crisis. 206 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,189 Why'd you change the station? 207 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,834 That reggaeton shit gives me a headache. 208 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,990 It's the same thing over and over. 209 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,071 How come none of these stations play The Smiths? 210 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,713 'Cause it's pussy music. 211 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,395 How Soon Is Now?. is, like, an '80s anthem. 212 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:35,993 Bitch, you were born in '92. 213 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,230 -So? -So you don't know shit. 214 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,231 The shark makes its move, moving directly to the seal. 215 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:45,799 Fuck this! 216 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,271 That's it. Ina Garten is making brown butter cake today. 217 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,112 Don't fuck with my cooking shows. T! 218 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,753 It don't matter what you wanna watch. 219 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:58,032 I'm president of the TV, and you can't do nothing about it, Pussy. 220 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,948 My name is Poussey. Accent à droite, bitch. 221 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:03,595 Accent à what? 222 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,835 It's French. 223 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,150 Poussey is a place in France where my daddy served, 224 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,753 and kings was born and shit. 225 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:09,909 What the fuck you named after? 226 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,479 Some bullshit cakes with cream in the middle? 227 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,039 You callin' me a Ho Ho? 228 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,157 It's Hostess, you dumbass. Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll. 229 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,879 Norma, will you go? 230 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,473 What, are you blind now, too? 231 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,030 If you put the "S" on the end of "knife," 232 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,953 you can make "slut" going down. Fifteen points ain't bad. 233 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,029 No cheating! 234 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,553 I'm just helping her. 235 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,277 The plural of "knife" is "knives," genius. 236 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,553 No such fucking word as "knifes." 237 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,073 No? 238 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,197 Well, then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story?. 239 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,555 I'll tell you what. He knifes him. 240 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,510 Well, aren't you the plot spoiler? 241 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,033 So, here's a good idea. 242 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,997 Why don't you mind your own fucking business 243 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,799 and go back to planning your cute little hetero wedding? 244 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,837 Hey! Are you gonna get your dress off of eBay? 245 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,157 I sure hope nobody scams you. That'd be fucking ironic. 246 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,513 Don't you dare! 247 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,073 You are way too fucking smart for that! 248 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,674 Sit down, Boo! I am serious! 249 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:11,759 Hey. 250 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:12,909 Hey! 251 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:19,669 You ladies need to start acting like ladies. 252 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,394 Now, what's the problem in here? 253 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:27,999 Ladies! 254 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,193 Ladies! 255 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,994 I'm gonna bring back the Women's Advisory Council. 256 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,430 The first election will be held this Saturday. 257 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:44,074 In the meantime, don't bother me and simmer down, okay? 258 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,037 All kitchen inmate duties... 259 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,515 Thank you. 260 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,231 It's on. Who's gonna be duchess of WAC? 261 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,639 Taystee! 262 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,995 Taystee 263 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,317 So, I'm thinking campaign buttons instead of posters, 264 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,914 'cause everyone will be doing posters. 265 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,199 We can stick 'em on with tape. What do you think about yellow and pink? 266 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,315 They're my wedding colors. 267 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,636 It's just a real pretty combination. 268 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,996 But I don't wanna tell Christopher, 'cause I don't want him to get jealous. 269 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,629 'Course not. You wouldn't want him to think you liked pink in prison, right, Morello? 270 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,911 Still can't believe you're running for this lame shit. 271 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,479 Red told me to. I'm her pick. 272 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,073 You want me to say no to her? 273 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,999 She picked you? 274 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,071 Yeah. You got a problem with that? 275 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,119 I just think it would have been smarter for her to pick a dyke. A real dyke. 276 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,510 Yeah, Nicky. Last time I checked, Lorna was pretty gay. 277 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,511 Gay for you, as a matter of fact. 278 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,239 You didn't hear? We're done. 279 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,914 Well, she's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 280 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,117 'cause her fiancé's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway, so... 281 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,189 Wow. 282 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,874 -All right, ladies! Taystee! Taystee! -What's happening? 283 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,315 So, who are you running against besides Taystee? 284 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:00,429 She don't count. 285 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,476 Black ladies just run against the other black ladies. 286 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,352 My competition is Pennsatucky. 287 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,671 But it don't matter, because Red's gonna make all the white girls vote for me. 288 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,394 So, you only run against white people. 289 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,596 You can only vote within your race or your group. 290 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,069 Look, just pretend it's the 1 950s. It makes it easier to understand. 291 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,675 See, everyone elects a representative from their own tribe. 292 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:24,432 White, black, Hispanic, golden girls, others. 293 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,080 And those five gals, they meet with Healy, 294 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,559 they tell him what we want, 295 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,950 then he speaks to the higher-ups. It's like student council. 296 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,270 But how is that an effective system? 297 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,555 Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing. 298 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,359 Sure they do. They all want to come to America. 299 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,079 Jesus, your entire world view is based on West Side Story, isn't it? 300 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,391 Can we get back to Lorna being racist? Just more of that, please. 301 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,750 But... Okay, fine. 302 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,593 See, I know because my neighborhood is near them. 303 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,240 They live, like, 20 people to one apartment. 304 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,634 They have more kids than even the Irish. 305 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,870 The men like their women with big titties, big asses. 306 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,030 They're dirty, they're greasy, their food smells nasty 307 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,917 and they're taking all our jobs. 308 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,390 If y'all want a man representing you, be my fucking guest. 309 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,358 That bitch got a plastic pussy or some shit. 310 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,192 You wanna see it? 311 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,748 Please! You flash that shit like it's made out of diamonds. 312 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,229 I done seen it about 1 0 times already today. 313 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,471 Listen, honey, I know all you care about is what you get to watch on the TV, 314 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,951 but me and my diamond kitty here wanna prioritize things around this place, 315 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,235 Iike health care, basic human rights... 316 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,920 You ain't never gonna change that shit. 317 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,355 You think this white people politics? 318 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,793 Let's talk about health care, Mackenzie. 319 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,633 Amanda, I'd rather not. It's not polite. 320 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,711 Well, did you see that wonderful new documentary 321 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,438 about the best sushi in the world? 322 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,308 Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before. 323 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,356 You know, I just don't have the time. 324 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:49,319 Chad and I have our yoga workshop, then wine tasting class. 325 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:54,155 And then we have to have really quiet sex every night at 9:.00. 326 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,471 But did you hear that piece on NPR about hedge funds? 327 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,473 Amanda, let me ask you, what do you think about my bangs these days? 328 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,754 I mean, do you like 'em straight down, 329 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,831 or should I be doing more of a sweep to the side? 330 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,399 Sweep to the side. 331 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:09,429 Yo, you gotta... 332 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,711 If you want more pizza, vote for Maritza. 333 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,233 That shit is horrible. 334 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,832 I like pizza. Everyone likes pizza. 335 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,069 What? It's American and shit. 336 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,912 It's Italian, you fucking idiot. 337 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,359 What, you got something better? 338 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,396 Yeah. I'm gonna run. 339 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,552 -Oh, shit. It's on. -Wow, fancy! 340 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,996 What, "Vote for Flaca, puta's full of caca"? 341 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,594 -All right! -Okay! 342 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,274 Shit. It don't matter who wins, all right? Just as long as you handle our shit. 343 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,713 Please. I can out-shout any of these bitches. 344 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,074 Are you sure? 345 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,110 All of you who think we don't have any sisters, we're black people... 346 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,037 Did you know they can't float? 347 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,348 What the hell are you talking about? 348 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:52,475 It's true! 349 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,439 Like in the swimming pool and shit. Their bone density ain't right for it. 350 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,791 Yo, my uncle told me. 351 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,439 Yo, that shit is crazy, Flaca-ca. 352 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,751 They're smelly, stupid and lazy, but they ain't got different bones. 353 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,159 Except in their pants. 354 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,470 Yo, let me tell you, them black boys, 355 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,437 they got some serious trouser meat. 356 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,192 Like, whoa! 357 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,679 That's enough! 358 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,395 Quiet down! Hey! Quiet down! 359 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,790 You are in violation of the Litchfield... 360 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,029 Shut up! 361 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,516 Well, don't be an observer. Grab a rag. 362 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,353 What's up, Nicky? 363 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,237 This rag smells like mildew. 364 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:01,038 It means your counter is gonna smell like mildew. 365 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:02,473 That's gross. 366 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,073 You need to wash your rags, Red. 367 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,033 Nicky... 368 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,435 Why'd you choose Lorna to run for WAC and not me? 369 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,790 You're questioning my decisions? 370 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,429 Only in the most respectful way you could possibly imagine. I just... 371 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,352 I thought I was like your Spock. 372 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:23,919 My what? 373 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,278 You know, your right hand. Your girl Friday. Your V. P. 374 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,678 Lorna is pretty and unthreatening. 375 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,877 I like her lipstick and she listens. 376 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,474 The last thing you need is a public forum. 377 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,516 You're already too mouthy for your own good. 378 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:40,749 Yeah, but... 379 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,553 Don't confuse being my daughter with getting a vote. 380 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,518 This isn't a democracy, sweetheart. 381 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,395 You need something? 382 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,668 Oh, gosh! 383 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,833 This prize sure beats the heck out of a decoder ring. 384 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,473 What can I say? 385 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,035 The girls are very concerned about their oral hygiene. 386 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,431 You bringing in cell phones, too? 387 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,477 Absolutely not. 388 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:41,116 So you're not taking dirty pictures of your hairy pussy to send to your husband? 389 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,276 Do the curtains match the drapes? 390 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,072 You got some purple wispies down there? 391 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,637 What are you talking about? 392 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,756 Someone smuggled in a phone. 393 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,631 And now it's getting in the way of my business. 394 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,949 I don't like competition, sweet cheeks. 395 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,634 Cell block D, prepare for inspection. 396 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,517 Visiting hours are now over... 397 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:48,589 Caputo grilled me about inappropriate relationships for five hours today. 398 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,036 It wasn't really five hours, but it felt that way. 399 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,318 You know, this is inappropriate. What you and me are doing. 400 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,992 It's gonna be fine, baby. 401 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,036 I think we have different definitions of fine. 402 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,272 I'm about to lose my job, and your mom was naked. 403 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,715 Like, really, really naked. All of it. 404 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:10,395 I saw her boobs. 405 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,391 But you didn't do nothing, right? 406 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,035 What? 407 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,074 You didn't fuck her? 408 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,753 Why would I... 409 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,877 I don't want your mom, Daya. I want you. 410 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,993 -No... -Let me. 411 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,593 Please, don't. 412 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,716 I wanna feel all of you. 413 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,515 Come on in, Chapman. 414 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:31,629 Please close the door. 415 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:50,629 What? 416 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,029 Hold up the red one. 417 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,311 Okay, now the blue. 418 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,194 Mail call in 1 5 minutes. 419 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,879 Cart will be making the rounds in 1 5 minutes. 420 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,435 Mr. Healy... 421 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,717 It's for my wife. It's our anniversary tomorrow. 422 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,031 I think the blue is better. Thanks. 423 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,519 Have a seat, Chapman. 424 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,672 Chapman, we understand each other, don't we? 425 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:31,673 I think so. 426 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,109 I mean, I agree. 427 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:37,671 I think the two of us working together, we could really turn some things around. 428 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,189 Or at the very least, make things a little quieter. 429 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:47,959 You want me to run for WAC. 430 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,877 We don't get ladies as bright as yourself in here often. 431 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,550 Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that. I really do. 432 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,395 But I'm trying this new thing where I stay out of the spotlight. 433 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,789 I think that it's a better bet for me. 434 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:05,954 I'm giving you a chance to make your time count, Chapman. 435 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:11,395 Thank you. But I need to politely decline. 436 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,270 Well, I'm disappointed. 437 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,954 It's certainly not like I can force you to run anyway, right? 438 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,111 We're not Cosmo, Larry. 439 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,955 We don't do pieces on having better orgasms. 440 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,589 And, truthfully, "edging" sounds like a recipe for blue balls. 441 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:31,989 It's just... It is gross. 442 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,640 Look, what if I change the angle? Maybe... 443 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,992 What's the deal with your wife? Is she really in prison? 444 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,954 My fiancée. She is. It sucks. 445 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,709 Look, I really think if I made some changes... 446 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:47,836 Christ, Bloom. No one wants to learn how not to come. 447 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,514 Coming is the whole goddamn point. Listen, I've got to get to this meeting. 448 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,434 But this is a good story, okay? Come on, Tim. 449 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,709 I need this. Just give me something, huh? An assignment. 450 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:00,794 You want an assignment? Fine. 451 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,791 Here's your assignment, "My wife is in prison." 452 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:04,029 Fiancée. 453 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,873 She takes naked showers with bad, busty women, 454 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,474 and I'm home alone thinking about it, trying not to come. 455 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,556 That's a story for us. Knock yourself out. 456 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,637 It's too far! A little to the right. 457 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,429 Ain't we learned our lesson about hanging crosses, Tucky? 458 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,557 Ain't we learned our lessons about mouthing off? Get... 459 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:25,868 Sorry. 460 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:28,909 You keep this up, 461 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,230 and God's gonna start questioning your devotion. 462 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:32,469 He told me. 463 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,871 "Died for your sins." Who's gonna win? 464 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,439 Tiffany. 465 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,908 Man, those little white midgets are sad, but them bitches know how to win! 466 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,389 Look at you, all power hungry and shit. 467 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,994 Where are your morals, Candidate Jefferson? 468 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,354 Well, Mackenzie... 469 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,192 This fucking election. 470 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,276 Like this place needs to be any more like high school! 471 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,874 My God, I'm drowning in vowels over here. 472 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:15,514 This the campaign strategy? 473 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:20,116 No, it's more like a life strategy. Everyone likes to get fed. 474 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,758 That's gross. 475 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:23,836 Come on! Come on. 476 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,474 Come on! It's delicious! 477 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,273 Speaking of high school... 478 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,750 I feel like such an asshole. Why won't she even look at me? 479 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,877 'Cause you were an asshole. Everyone has their limits. 480 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,030 Okay, 32, 33... 481 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:41,559 -Whoa. -Thirty-four points! 482 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,396 Look, you know her better than I do, but in my experience, 483 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,192 she can smell bullshit like a shark smells blood. 484 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,350 Just cut out the needy puppy act and be straight with her. 485 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,112 Say you're sorry for being a dick. 486 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:57,759 What about, like, a snappy kind of slogan? Something with rhymes in it? 487 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,990 What about, "Vote for Morello because she's not yellow, she's white"? 488 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:13,959 That's good. 489 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,035 It's a party! 490 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,953 I feel like I'm playing house. 491 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:21,837 You wanna play doctor instead? 492 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:23,439 This place is insane. 493 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,072 -Cheers. -Cheers. 494 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,230 Great to meet you, Holly. 495 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,991 It's Polly, actually. 496 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,718 Right. Polly Hobbie. 497 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,109 Would you excuse me for a minute? I have to go play hostess. 498 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:51,879 She's better in smaller groups. 499 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,359 Think she'll remember my name then? 500 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,795 Are you being pissy because I'm seeing a woman? 501 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,189 I'm pissy because you're seeing an asshole. 502 00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:00,874 I think you're overreacting a little bit, Molly. 503 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,433 There's a weird energy in here. 504 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,080 Not to mention she's loaded and she's, what, like, 30? 505 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:07,354 Trust fund? 506 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,396 No, she imports things. 507 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,393 I can't believe you're giving me shit for this. You dated your teacher. 508 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:15,118 Adjunct professor. 509 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:20,037 I really like her. 510 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,638 Do you like her or her things? 511 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,950 I get it. You're feeling threatened. 512 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,634 Jesus. Fuck off. I'm just looking out for you. 513 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,473 Well, don't. I'm happy. 514 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,711 Well, then don't expect me to be there when you're not happy anymore. 515 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:38,078 Okay, I won't expect that. But you will be. Because you love me. 516 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,390 Of course I do, you stupid lesbian. 517 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:41,873 You spoiled bitch. 518 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,434 I came seven times last night. 519 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,636 Well, that's just excessive. 520 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:54,755 Beautiful. 521 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:56,349 Thank you. 522 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:58,759 You're doing well. 523 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,039 I am. 524 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,592 We'd like to increase your output. 525 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:13,148 I'm always curious about who "we" is. 526 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:17,277 Is that like when "they" say that faux fur vests are in this season? 527 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,634 You know what I mean? 528 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,472 No, I don't know what you mean. 529 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:25,429 How much? 530 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,875 One hundred thousand a month. 531 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,154 Jesus. 532 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,309 What can I say? 533 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,231 We're back in vogue. 534 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,391 Give the people what they want. 535 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,555 Well, I'm gonna need a few more kids and more cash upfront for treats. 536 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,678 Whatever you need, as always. 537 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,475 Kubra will be happy to hear. 538 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,279 We value your role in this organization. 539 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,433 Great. Glad I'm not expendable. 540 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,270 We'll give you a call in a few days to arrange the next drop. 541 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,312 Can't wait. Cheers. 542 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,353 That's a hell of a scar. 543 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:19,473 Pervert. 544 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:22,429 I like your tits, too. 545 00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:26,434 Baboon heart? 546 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:28,909 Bacterial infection. 547 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,149 Endocarditis. 548 00:34:31,240 --> 00:34:34,277 What? Drug pusher/heart surgeon? 549 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,715 Just the former. 550 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,519 It was pretty common among our top customers. 551 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,034 You miss it? 552 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,839 Holy shit. So much. 553 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:49,708 More than good coffee, more than sleeping in the dark, 554 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:51,074 more than wearing skirts. 555 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,229 You wore skirts? 556 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:54,632 Yeah. I loved a good skirt. 557 00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:59,075 You? 558 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,199 I don't miss smack. 559 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,390 I was such a lousy junkie. 560 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,311 Never fully committed. 561 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:09,311 But the business... 562 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,231 Man, that I miss. 563 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,073 The adrenaline, the power. 564 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:21,114 Yeah, I miss cooking it. Which makes me an idiot, right? 565 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:23,760 I'd let it bubble, even though you waste it when you do that. 566 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:27,037 I just loved the chemistry, you know? The routine. 567 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,676 I am a sucker for ritual. 568 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,993 Look at us, Nichols. Same coin, different sides. 569 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,391 Supply and demand, motherfucker. 570 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:02,189 Hey, Alex. 571 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,077 An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. 572 00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,634 To accept the call, please press one. 573 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,437 Fine. You caught me on a hormonal upswing. 574 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,557 Plus I need a distraction 'cause I'm in the stirrups. 575 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,153 Am I a good friend or what? 576 00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:31,471 You are. You're the best friend. You are the best friend. 577 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:33,551 You're my best friend. 578 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:36,838 I'm so sorry, Pol. 579 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:37,989 The chicken... 580 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:41,198 How about we don't talk about the chicken, like, ever again? 581 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:45,831 It's so weird in here, Polly. I wish I could explain it to you. 582 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,639 Well, I have an asshole alien growing inside me 583 00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:51,792 and I'm waiting for a strange man to put his hand up my vagina, 584 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,190 which I'm pretty sure I prefer to my husband's. 585 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:56,998 We could have a weird-off. 586 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,116 God, I miss you so much. 587 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,193 I miss you, too, Pipe. 588 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,990 So, Barney's. 589 00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:09,231 Nope. You've forfeited your right to talk about the business for a while. 590 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:10,953 I'll take care of it from here on out. 591 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,640 You're kidding me? So you're not gonna tell me what's going on? 592 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:17,030 This is really important to me, Pol. We really need the money and... 593 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,588 Babe, I know. I'll take care of it. 594 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:23,873 Jesus, you're a felon, I'm fat and miserable. 595 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,272 Who gives a fuck about soap right now? It'll all be fine. 596 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:29,674 Will it? 597 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,639 I have no fucking clue. Seemed like the right thing to say. 598 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:36,914 How are things with you and super-cunt? 599 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:40,078 Fine. Sort of. 600 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:47,556 I don't know. I feel like I need to tell her that I'm sorry. 601 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:52,111 I feel like I need to tell everyone that I'm sorry. 602 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,191 Piper Chapman, The Apology Tour. 603 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:57,554 You care about her? 604 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,108 I mean, no. I just think that it would... 605 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,158 Since we're stuck in here together, it would be easier if we were friends. 606 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:06,073 If super-cunt replaces me as your best friend, so help me. 607 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:07,752 Never. 608 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,400 Hey, if your mom's been telling me to rub cocoa butter on my tutu, 609 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:11,799 what the fuck does she mean? 610 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:13,916 Oh, Jesus. 611 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,230 She used to call it that when I was little. 612 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,278 A tutu? You heard that one before? 613 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:22,955 My gynie loves it. 614 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:25,998 And I love you. 615 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,353 I love you. 616 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,512 So you're done being mad at me? 617 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:40,435 Yes. Now I've got to get probed. Have a nice rest of your day in prison. 618 00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:42,715 Have a nice time getting your tutu probed. 619 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,873 Don't be yellow, vote for Morello. 620 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,520 My friends, we may be incarcerated, 621 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:13,309 but that does not mean we're not entitled to fair treatment 622 00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,915 and access to comprehensive medical care. 623 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:18,393 Tuesdays, pizza? 624 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,517 Fuck pizza, we're gonna have Tuesday tacos. 625 00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:24,831 -Tacos, burritos, hot salsa and everything! -This is stupid! 626 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,639 I take care of business. I know what's up, all right? 627 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:29,079 Hi, ladies, most of y'all know me as Tiffany. 628 00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:32,152 Only a few, Pennsatucky. We're gonna leave it that way. 629 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:35,471 I hope each and every one of you will allow me to lead you, 630 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,876 in addition to letting me do your weave at a discount! 631 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,030 You all listen to me. I know what's up, all right? 632 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,758 Come on, let's hear it up for the Latino! 633 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:48,671 As lady president, I'll demand waterbeds for everybody. 634 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,753 We'll be dreamin' like Beyoncé on a yacht every night up in here. 635 00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:55,479 Comprehensive that, bitches! 636 00:39:57,760 --> 00:39:59,239 Yo. You got my shit? 637 00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:03,389 It's comin'. 638 00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,111 My cousin paid you for that shit. Ain't it supposed to come in today? 639 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,319 Listen, powder. 640 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,634 If you speak to me again, I will fucking crush you. 641 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,798 It's coming. Chill out. 642 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,835 Well, this is a surprise. 643 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,428 Best entertainment you could hope for around here. 644 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:30,953 Friday night, we're gonna have salsa night, okay? 645 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:32,996 I can't live without my conga, okay? 646 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,277 As y'all know, I am a follower of Jesus Christ, 647 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:37,679 my Lord and my Savior. 648 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:45,398 And he wants us to spread his word. With force, if necessary. 649 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:49,029 You know, I'm surprised the Admin is actually letting this happen. 650 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:51,873 Those boys have awfully short memories. 651 00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:57,116 White girl who won last time got slocked 652 00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:00,795 when she asked the commissary to stock unsalted potato chips 653 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:02,757 instead of salt and vinegar. 654 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:05,192 It's not a job you want. 655 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:09,034 Furthermuch, why don't we have Ultra Sheen in the commissary? 656 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,758 -Why? -You ask me, that shit is racist! 657 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,796 -Fucking racist. -Why you gotta hate black folks? Why? 658 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,599 You do have to admire their effort. 659 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,318 Every damn inmate is here. 660 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,318 I'll see you later. 661 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,989 In closing, let's get some motherfucking fried chicken up in here once in a while! 662 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,479 -Oh, yeah! -Yeah, I said it. 663 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:32,549 -She said it. -I'm black. 664 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:33,795 -She's black. -And she black. 665 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:35,233 -I'm black! -And we like fried chicken. 666 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,430 -Well! -That shit is delicious. 667 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:42,036 Everybody likes it. Chicken for the people. I rest my case. 668 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,758 Well, I say we should have a "whites only" bathroom! 669 00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:54,997 This ain't The fuckin' Help, bitch, but you will eat my shit. 670 00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:01,511 They call me Taystee 'cause my pussy be delicious 671 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,677 Like an apple it's nutritious Like a Clinton it's ambitious 672 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:07,752 You wanna mess with all that?. Bitch, please 673 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:10,593 You's a gnat, you'll go splat Best be runnin ', stat 674 00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:17,235 Y eah? Well. Y o, yo... 675 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,880 My name is Leanne and I got game 676 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,475 We're here in Litchfield and it's kind of lame 677 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:27,999 This rapping thing don 't seem so hard Ain 't like I'm a fucking retard! 678 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:38,992 Fucking dumbass cracka Should just smack ya 679 00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:42,193 Think you own Jesus?. Turns out he was black 680 00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,919 The word is ironic Me?. I'm deep like Atlantis 681 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,753 Rhyming some chronic shit then pray like a mantis 682 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:50,434 Matter of fact I'm so done with your white trash ass 683 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,671 Just 'cause you got little tits don 't mean you got class 684 00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:56,749 That's my sh it! 685 00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:10,509 Hey. 686 00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:12,958 Th is is crazy... 687 00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:16,191 Go away. 688 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:18,829 Sorry. 689 00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:59,031 Who wants a piece of Big Boo? 690 00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:51,559 Are we supposed to lie down, Mr. Healy? 691 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,438 Hey. H i. 692 00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:02,748 Hey. 693 00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,034 How are you? 694 00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:08,390 Good. I made you this. 695 00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:20,232 Wow. Thanks. 696 00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:28,229 When I was little, I found this comic book in the trash. 697 00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,198 I'd never seen girls who looked like that. 698 00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:35,315 They were like Disney princesses, but prettier. 699 00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:38,240 I liked tracing the drawings a lot. 700 00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:44,839 My friends thought that they were lame, but I liked that they were different. 701 00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,992 They weren't like the Sunday comics, you know? 702 00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,148 I guess I'm a freak, or whatever. 703 00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:53,834 Not that you're a freak because of your legs. 704 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:55,319 Leg. 705 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,995 I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. 706 00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:11,995 Does it hurt? 707 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:17,879 Not anymore. Just a little clumsy sometimes. 708 00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:21,394 Me, too. Sometimes. 709 00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,230 Thanks for the advice yesterday. I think she loved it. 710 00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:09,271 Daya. Daya! 711 00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:24,989 It went well. 712 00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:27,799 Yeah. I mean, it... You know. It was great. 713 00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:29,673 Wow! He liked it? 714 00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:31,279 You seem surprised. 715 00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:34,955 Edging? Babe, it's a really... It's a very weird thing to write about. 716 00:48:35,240 --> 00:48:37,037 Weird. Very weird. 717 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,878 Actually, he wants me to write another article. 718 00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:44,869 Really? 719 00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:46,951 Yeah, he thought... 720 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:50,271 He thought I should write about you. About our experience. 721 00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:54,311 Our experience? 722 00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:02,990 Has it been difficult for you in here? 723 00:49:03,080 --> 00:49:05,514 You know, you're not the only person having a hard time, Piper. 724 00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:07,511 I hate your stern voice. 725 00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:16,317 I'm sorry. I don't mean to take this out on you. 726 00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:18,078 But I... 727 00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:20,469 Could you just give me a little bit of time 728 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:24,513 to figure out how I feel about you writing an article about me being in here? 729 00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:28,639 Of course. You need to process. 730 00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:32,315 I should respect that. Take some time. 731 00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:36,837 I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be Piper Chapman, the convict fiancée. 732 00:49:36,920 --> 00:49:39,514 But as soon as you write an article, it will all be so... 733 00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:44,509 Public. 734 00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:48,354 I hear ya. I hear ya. 735 00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:53,873 So, is everything going okay with Alex? 736 00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:57,710 Yeah, it's fine. It's good. We don't talk. 737 00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:01,350 Good. That's good. 738 00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:04,874 Diablo! 739 00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:07,635 Diablo? 740 00:50:07,720 --> 00:50:08,948 What? 741 00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,038 That lady, that crazy lady. 742 00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:15,752 I found her phone in the bathroom, and there was a picture of her... 743 00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:18,719 And Healy had it printed out on his desk, and the... 744 00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:21,189 Never mind. It's a long story. 745 00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:25,273 Anyway, everybody thinks that she's crazy and that she's talking to herself in there, 746 00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:26,998 but she's not! 747 00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:29,753 She's talking on the phone. To Diablo! 748 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,950 She's been sending him pictures of her tutu. 749 00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:33,308 Whoa! 750 00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:36,750 That's kind of brilliant. 751 00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:40,397 Wait a second. 752 00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:45,197 If you know where her phone is, 753 00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,791 can you send me pictures of your tutu? 754 00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:52,749 All right. 755 00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:58,988 Thirty-one for Maritza, 1 6 for Sophia Burset, 756 00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:03,278 41 for Taystee, 46 for Lorna Morello, 757 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,874 24 for Tiffany, 758 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,639 1 9 for "Fuck you." 759 00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:12,589 An impressive 28 for Jesus. 760 00:51:13,720 --> 00:51:17,918 You still can't tell the fish kissers who's boss, can you, Samantha? 761 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,514 I've asked you repeatedly not to call me that. 762 00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:24,475 This isn't about giving them power. 763 00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:29,796 This is about your mother telling you, you could take a bath before dinner or after. 764 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,278 You were still gonna get wet, 765 00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:34,951 but you thought you had a choice. 766 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,828 I have no fuckin' idea what that means, 767 00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:43,319 but I do know you just basically built a prisoners' union. 768 00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:47,989 Samantha. 769 00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:06,720 Attention. All maple syrup is now considered contraband 770 00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,518 after last week's incident. 771 00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:14,438 The winners of the WAC elections will be announced shortly. Thank you. 772 00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:18,354 Enjoy dinner! Hope it's scrumptious! 773 00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:20,673 I'm real nervous. 774 00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:25,676 I thought the whole idea of Red endorsing you is that you're going to win. 775 00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:28,195 It is. She's just playing coy. It's a talent of hers. 776 00:52:28,840 --> 00:52:31,513 I made Claudette's famous coconut cake 777 00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:34,876 in honor of our new WAC representative. 778 00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:42,118 Should coconut be beige? 779 00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:45,389 Fine. 780 00:52:45,480 --> 00:52:48,233 No cake for you, little girl, big mouth. 781 00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:57,637 Tough love, I guess, huh? 782 00:52:57,720 --> 00:53:00,359 Jesus. I don't know how you deal with her. 783 00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:03,919 Norma's gonna get you some mouthwash. 784 00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:08,435 A clean mouth makes you feel better. 785 00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:10,078 Here. 786 00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:21,637 You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in. 787 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:23,433 Welcome to the floor, kid. 788 00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:27,268 It'll be better from now on. 789 00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:34,110 And what I'll do to you if you use again will hurt a lot more than this. 790 00:53:34,720 --> 00:53:36,676 Remember what I'm saying. 791 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,588 Ladies, attention, please. 792 00:53:47,240 --> 00:53:48,878 How's my hair? 793 00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:52,513 You look great, kid. 794 00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:57,037 Don't worry. You're gonna be great. 795 00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:01,319 Your elected WAC leaders are... 796 00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:03,913 Ruiz... 797 00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:08,518 Which Ruiz? 798 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:10,278 Maria Ruiz... 799 00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:12,834 -Oh, shit! -What the fuck? 800 00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:14,314 What the fuck? 801 00:54:15,720 --> 00:54:16,755 Jefferson... 802 00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:21,118 Taystee is prison president, bitches! 803 00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:33,358 Chang, who will be representing both the others and the golden girls, 804 00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:35,029 and... 805 00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:42,274 Chapman. 806 00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:54,512 But you didn't even run!