1 00:00:01,119 --> 00:00:06,119 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 2 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,595 I've always loved getting clean. 3 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,472 I love baths. 4 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,711 I love showers. 5 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,197 It's my happy place. 6 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,438 Was my happy place. 7 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,712 All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 8 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,515 Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 9 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,996 I'll be out in a sec. I swear. 10 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,197 I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. 11 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,595 There wasn't very much when I started. 12 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,316 Man, hurry!. 13 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,312 All right, okay, okay. 14 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,470 I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. 15 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,437 Damn, you got some nice titties. 16 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,028 -Thank you. -You got them TV titties. 17 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,351 They stand up on they own all perky and everything. 18 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:20,998 Okay. 19 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,155 You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. 20 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,517 My money's not in yet, so. 21 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,195 You creative. I give you that, high-tits. 22 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,630 Now get the fuck out the way. 23 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:36,995 Okay. 24 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,550 So, there's an entire pig in there? 25 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:12,789 Yes. 26 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,353 For four of us? 27 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,996 It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. 28 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,513 It was my birthday present. 29 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,270 She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig-roasting box. 30 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,152 At least you get something. 31 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,993 I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? 32 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,635 A baby? 33 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,079 But you can't eat it. 34 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,797 -Are we really gonna eat that? -It's thematic. 35 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,552 You're not serving time in Cuba. 36 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,279 Pigs. Cops. 37 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,755 How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? 38 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,271 Prison, not jail. 39 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,999 You're missing my shower. 40 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,358 Polly, I'm really sorry. 41 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,039 I know. 42 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,157 You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars. 43 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,479 You may not come back with a unibrow. 44 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:08,835 Am I allowed to cry? 45 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,514 No. Seriously, no. 46 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,791 Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. 47 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,434 -Need a hoist? -Yeah. 48 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,589 Big girl. 49 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,237 On to the last supper. 50 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,316 -We got to do it. -I know. 51 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,631 God, we really should not have eaten so much. 52 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,234 I know. Come on, we gotta rally. 53 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,389 Okay. 54 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,677 -Make some memories, you know? -Yeah. 55 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,473 You need some spank-bank material. 56 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,593 Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. 57 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,515 -Wait, I got... -What? 58 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,716 -I gotta pee. -What? No. 59 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,835 -Yeah. -Really? 60 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,990 I just... 61 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,480 I'll be... I'll be right back. 62 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,669 Hey. 63 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,515 Yeah? 64 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,034 You look beautiful. 65 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,634 Thanks. 66 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,039 Oh, shit. 67 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,315 What? 68 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,116 You look beautiful, too. 69 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,875 Come on. Get in. 70 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,793 Hey. You're crying. 71 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,469 Just fuck me. 72 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,794 Piper. 73 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,592 Shut up. 74 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,911 Please. Please. 75 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,188 Okay. 76 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:07,468 No visiting today. 77 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,950 Hi, I'm here to surrender. 78 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,519 Oh, okay, then. 79 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,598 Did he look surprised to you? 80 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,274 When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? 81 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,157 Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" 82 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,872 -I didn't notice. -Well, he looked surprised to me. 83 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,718 I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. 84 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:34,869 You're worried about how you look? 85 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,075 Well, they're gonna know that I was crying. 86 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,838 It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. 87 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,319 That's what all of the books said. 88 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,515 Oh, sweetie... 89 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,431 Don't call me sweetie. 90 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:43,873 Oh, Leonard. 91 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,558 That's better. 92 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,751 I can't take it with me. 93 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,071 Okay. Right. 94 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,399 What are you doing? 95 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,555 What? 96 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:06,993 You can't put that in your pocket. 97 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,036 It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. 98 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,838 Okay. 99 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,273 Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? 100 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,759 Up your ass. 101 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,153 There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. 102 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,393 I'm sorry. 103 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,555 It's okay. 104 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,079 You know what? 105 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,192 I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? 106 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:36,952 And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box. 107 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:43,272 Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. But I'll try to get it back before you're out. 108 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,789 We should go. 109 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,555 Okay. 110 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,388 Okay. 111 00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,834 Self-surrender. 112 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,757 Yeah, well, no one told me either. 113 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,193 Available guards... 114 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,157 Got the paperwork right here. 115 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,196 Name is Chapman. 116 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:13,358 Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. 117 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,629 Have a seat. 118 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,151 Piper. Rhymes with sniper. 119 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,959 Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. 120 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,034 You hungry? 121 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,269 Not really. 122 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,078 Guard Thomson to the tower. 123 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,354 Eat anyway. 124 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,353 It's burrata. 125 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,079 Thank you. 126 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,553 My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. 127 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,956 I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. 128 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,511 So I never carried drugs. Just money. 129 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,759 You were a lesbian? 130 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,873 At the time. 131 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:04,949 You still a lesbian? 132 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:06,993 No, I'm not still a lesbian. 133 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,389 You sure? 134 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:14,078 I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. 135 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,434 But it wasn't for me. 136 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,835 Wow. 137 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:18,789 Did you know about all this? 138 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,350 No. No, no, I didn't. 139 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,878 I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, 140 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,155 but she failed to mention the lesbian lover 141 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,117 who ran an international drug smuggling ring. 142 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,838 Imagine my surprise. 143 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,950 What on earth did you do with the money? 144 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,953 Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. 145 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,228 Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake!. 146 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,514 So this is my last post as a free woman. 147 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,750 -What are you gonna write? -Hey!. 148 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,235 Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. 149 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,356 This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. 150 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,749 Can I? Am I allowed to go out? 151 00:11:58,840 --> 00:11:59,875 He can take it out. 152 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,389 So no phone? 153 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,038 -You knew that. -Now. 154 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,997 Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out 155 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,475 there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. 156 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,358 Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. 157 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,115 No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? 158 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,237 I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. 159 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,548 Okay? Two seconds. 160 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,119 -Yeah? -Okay. 161 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,073 Two seconds. 162 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,548 -Chapman! -Yes. 163 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,877 Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. 164 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,188 You're telling me what I have to do? 165 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,157 Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. 166 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,714 He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours. 167 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,153 And the wait is over. 168 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,713 Here's your temporary ID, 169 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,314 you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now... 170 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,396 -Here. I'm here. Here I am. -Here he is. 171 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,675 -Who's this? -My fiancé. 172 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:50,954 Yeah? Good luck with that. 173 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,235 Excuse me? 174 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,038 -Any personal items? -Here. 175 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,028 You can't take this check. 176 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,270 But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. 177 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,079 He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process. 178 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,674 A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things? 179 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,835 How it is. 180 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,309 Where do we send it? 181 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,234 Hey, you got that Iowa address? 182 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,232 Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? 183 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,629 No. No Nudie Judies. 184 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,833 Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé. 185 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,830 -I love you so much. -I love you, too! 186 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,038 -I'll call you as soon as I can. -Okay. 187 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,310 Okay? Please send that check immediately. 188 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,708 Okay. I will. 189 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,115 I love you. Please keep my website updated. 190 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,269 I love you so much. 191 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:40,755 It's okay. 192 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,753 It's okay. 193 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,949 -What size shoe are you? -Nine and a half, ten. 194 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,313 These are kinda like Toms. 195 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,153 -Who's Tom? -Toms are shoes. 196 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,391 When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. 197 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,948 They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... 198 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,268 How nice. 199 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,315 Strip. 200 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:49,955 Get over here. 201 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,279 Come here. 202 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,117 Are you gonna miss me? 203 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,319 Yes. 204 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,469 Too much. 205 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,075 Come with me. 206 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,074 What? 207 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,479 Come to Bali. 208 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,111 Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. 209 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,194 Are you serious? 210 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:46,988 Yes. 211 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:54,796 Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. 212 00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:00,032 Well, I'd have to give notice. 213 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,554 You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. 214 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,352 Will I get in trouble? 215 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,509 God, I hope so. 216 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,276 You know what I mean. 217 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,191 You don't have to do anything. 218 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,510 You're just there to keep me company, all right? 219 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,679 Come on, babe. I want you to come. 220 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,634 And I want you to come. 221 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,391 Yes? Is that a yes? 222 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:33,794 Yes. 223 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,708 Yes. 224 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,673 Open your mouth, stick out your tongue. 225 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,031 Inmates, an updated facility rules with 226 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,917 inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 227 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,195 Lift up your arms. 228 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,434 T urn around. 229 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,235 Squat. 230 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,232 Spread your cheeks and cough. 231 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,754 Seriously? 232 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:17,954 That it? 233 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,712 One more coming, hold on. 234 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,348 My zipper's broken. 235 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,349 First time down? 236 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,634 My first time here? 237 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,395 Oh, no, your first time in prison? 238 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,789 Oh, yeah. 239 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,792 It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. 240 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,916 You've gotta watch out for the stealing. 241 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,193 So, what's your name? Your last name. Everyone uses last names here. 242 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,953 I'm Morello and that is Watson. 243 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,395 Chapman. 244 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,397 And how much time you got, Chapman? 245 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:57,789 Fifteen months. 246 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:03,040 Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. 247 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,432 You... So you're a... They let you drive? 248 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,832 Well, who else is gonna do it? We do everything around here. 249 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,550 Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. 250 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,278 All right, which dress you like better? 251 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,035 My top two faves are the ones with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. 252 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,675 See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. 253 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,150 And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, 254 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,993 but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, 255 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,877 so there's the challenge. 256 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:37,989 Both nice. 257 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,314 That's all you've gotta say? 258 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,237 I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. 259 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,357 Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. 260 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,675 -No. -It's my Lance Armstrong rock. 261 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,516 Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. 262 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,352 Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, 263 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,793 Iike you would've when you thought he was clean. 264 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,233 Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. 265 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,396 You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. 266 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:03,629 Seriously, shut it off. 267 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,591 -What? -I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. 268 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,240 I really don't want a record of it. 269 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,429 You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. 270 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,670 I'm gonna get ripped. 271 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,391 Like Jackie Warner ripped. 272 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,117 And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. 273 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:25,557 And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. 274 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,232 I'm gonna make it count, Larry. 275 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:32,189 I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. What the hell are you looking for? 276 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,793 Oh, no! 277 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,915 What is that? 278 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,632 Piper... 279 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,517 Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... 280 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:49,390 Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa 281 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,993 who's about to go to prison, to marry me? 282 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,150 Yes. And all of the stress-eating? 283 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,914 Well, because this peculiar, 284 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,908 underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. 285 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,116 And knows that he will never be bored, 286 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:14,477 and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. 287 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,512 I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. 288 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,713 I love you. 289 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,428 You wanna marry me? 290 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,553 When I get out, right? 291 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,312 Whenever you want. 292 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,599 I'll be so ripped. 293 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,679 You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? 294 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,438 Show off those abs. 295 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,999 Yeah! 296 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,437 Was it your grandmother's? 297 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,200 No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. 298 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,748 This is my great-aunt Marcia's. 299 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,353 She had thyroid cancer 300 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,591 and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. 301 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,272 Put it on. I had it sized. Good. 302 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,794 It's beautiful. 303 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,518 And that's a "yes," right? 304 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,834 Yes. 305 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,469 Yeah. 306 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,754 Will you say that just one more time for me? 307 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,838 But, this time, just into the camera, okay? 308 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,354 Oh, you asshole! 309 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,317 -Come on, I had to capture the moment. -Shit. Turn it off! 310 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,152 -What? -Give me that! 311 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,955 Oh, you're cold. Come here. 312 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,076 Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm. 313 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,309 Thanks. 314 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,194 You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? 315 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,675 Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. 316 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,471 Thirty-four months is a long time. 317 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,271 Yeah, but she's the love of his life! 318 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,395 And who the fuck asked you? 319 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,549 Head on up. 320 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,238 All the gates open to one and two. 321 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,596 All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. 322 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,033 There's six bridesmaids. 323 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,156 My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. 324 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,912 All right, let's go. 325 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,075 Hello, Miss Claudette. 326 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,679 Morello. 327 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,954 Watch out for that one. 328 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,828 Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, but you don't wanna get on her bad side. 329 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,232 Go ahead. Go. 330 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,878 Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, 331 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,313 you'll get your room assignments, 332 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,557 and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? 333 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,074 Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. 334 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,954 All right, raise your head and look at the lens. 335 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,038 Oh, crap! 336 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,113 New guy, what's your name, Bennett? 337 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,189 Bennett, it's not fucking working again. 338 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,589 -You turn it on? -Yeah, I turned it on. 339 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,910 Wait, I think I got it. Ready? 340 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,319 Yeah. Yep. 341 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,558 Wait, no. 342 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,636 -What does this button do? -No! Don't touch that. 343 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,958 Sorry, princess. 344 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,069 There's a cord right there. 345 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,958 Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? 346 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,872 Shut your mouth and stand still. 347 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,997 -She's right. -Okay, fine. 348 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,229 Got it. 349 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,469 I wasn't ready. 350 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,471 Tough shit. Next. 351 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,388 This is a TB test. Nice veins. 352 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,311 -No track marks. -Thanks. 353 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,118 Tattoos? 354 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,474 Oh, yeah. 355 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,072 Oh, a fish. You like fish? 356 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:13,596 Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful. 357 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:18,840 I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. 358 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,559 Thanks. 359 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,073 It's gonna rub off when I sweat. 360 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,197 No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. 361 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:32,069 So, when this dries, you should be good to go. 362 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,159 How am I gonna get it off? 363 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,355 Acetone. 364 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,555 Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... 365 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,119 Hey. 366 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,679 Hey, hey, hey. 367 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,149 You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? 368 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,518 A proper young lady. 369 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,197 Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim 370 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,270 before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. 371 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,709 Museum visits and fancy dinners. 372 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,555 It's all fine. It's all good. 373 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,395 And I will meet you in Brussels, and everything will work out perfectly, babe. 374 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,754 I promise. 375 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,751 It's all gonna be okay. 376 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,229 Are you okay?. 377 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,549 Fine. I guess. 378 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,153 What's PoPi? 379 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,468 Poppy. 380 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,715 It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. 381 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,032 Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. 382 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,709 Barneys? 383 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:54,919 It's a nice store. 384 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,675 It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. 385 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,354 That's what they charged me with. 386 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,000 I carried a suitcase of money. 387 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,719 Drug money. Once. 388 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,034 T en years ago. 389 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,792 What's the statute of limitations on that? 390 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:15,994 Twelve years. 391 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,353 That's tough. 392 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,634 Well, 393 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:27,110 I did it, that one time, 1 0 years ago. 394 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,629 What did your lawyer say? 395 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,149 He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, 396 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,959 he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. 397 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,395 And here you are. 398 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,109 Here I am. 399 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,873 Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. 400 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,789 You know, I've been here for 22 years, 401 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,190 and I still can't figure out how the system works. 402 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,229 I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, 403 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:56,110 and then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman 404 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,236 who is doing four years. 405 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,550 I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. 406 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,432 I just don't get it. 407 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,950 Are you gonna barf? 408 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,600 Tell me if you're gonna barf. Because there's a can behind you. 409 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,318 I won't barf. 410 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,398 I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. 411 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:16,753 Not gonna barf. 412 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,359 Miss Chapman, 413 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,833 no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. 414 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,637 This isn't Oz. 415 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,149 Women fight with gossip and rumors. 416 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:36,396 They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. 417 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,353 And there are lesbians. 418 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,353 They're not gonna bother you. 419 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,910 They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them. 420 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:53,399 I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex. 421 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,232 I have a fiancé. 422 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:03,954 His name is Larry. 423 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,553 He's a writer. 424 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,674 Can he come visit me? 425 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,035 -Is he in here? -Yes. Everybody's in there. 426 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,237 All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. 427 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,548 He can come this weekend. 428 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,075 -I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. -Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. 429 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:25,069 You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. 430 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,599 And don't make friends. 431 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:33,153 And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about. 432 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,637 You know everything about me! I tell you everything! 433 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,160 The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. 434 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,599 How do I not know this? 435 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,075 What was I supposed to say? It was... 436 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,108 It was a phase. 437 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:50,716 It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. 438 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:56,638 I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. 439 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,512 I can't believe you did this. 440 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,508 I mean, who are you? 441 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,876 I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? 442 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:09,352 Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. 443 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:10,834 Come on. Come on. 444 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:13,669 Okay. 445 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,432 You should break up with me. 446 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,909 -What? -You didn't sign up for this. 447 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,788 Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. It's okay. 448 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,839 Okay? 449 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,713 "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. 450 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,870 "Piper Chapman was part of the ring." 451 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:34,228 Were you? 452 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:36,953 I was 22. 453 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,230 I thought that I was in love. 454 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,598 I was in love. 455 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,910 And it was all crazy. 456 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,278 And then it got scary, 457 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:50,873 and I ran away, 458 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,714 and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. 459 00:29:54,880 --> 00:30:00,000 I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! 460 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,475 Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. 461 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,319 -No. -No. 462 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:09,754 It's not. 463 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,397 But we'll deal with it, okay? 464 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,872 We'll figure it out. 465 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:24,908 Have you called a lawyer? 466 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:27,758 -No. -I'll call my dad. 467 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,314 No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. 468 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,676 Yeah, well, I love you. 469 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:39,551 And, and he loves me, so, here we go. 470 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,236 All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. 471 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,749 Rooms are there. Dorms are down there. 472 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,796 Now, you are not allowed down there. 473 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,950 It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. 474 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:50,678 You understand? 475 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,352 Namaste, Jones! 476 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:57,553 She teaches yoga if you ever want. And she's good. She's very spiritual. 477 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,471 All right, we got some offices here. 478 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,632 This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. 479 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,278 Who you got for a counselor? 480 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:05,679 Healy. 481 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:06,994 Okay. Yeah. 482 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:08,149 What? 483 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,913 Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. 484 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,111 When do we get outfits like everybody? 485 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,668 I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. 486 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,990 You go down, you speak to the lady... 487 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,075 What the fuck? 488 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:24,435 Friend of yours? 489 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:27,908 No. It's my mom. 490 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,549 All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. 491 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,428 DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. You show her what's what? 492 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:37,714 Sure. 493 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:41,270 Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. 494 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:45,599 I don't speak Spanish. 495 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,397 Great. Another fucking coconut. 496 00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:50,596 What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? 497 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:57,472 Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. 498 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,835 And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. 499 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,070 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. 500 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,879 No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. 501 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:10,435 Our own? 502 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:14,638 Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. 503 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,515 Tell me your name again? 504 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,632 Piper. Chapman. 505 00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,275 That's Miss Rosa. 506 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,956 And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. 507 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:37,512 Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. Why make trouble for yourself, you know? 508 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,358 SHU. That's solitary? 509 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,512 Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. 510 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,469 Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. 511 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,630 Thanks. What's that thing? 512 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,909 Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. 513 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,956 When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. 514 00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,749 Do you know about the count? 515 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:00,512 Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? 516 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:01,715 I don't like to dwell. 517 00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:03,871 How do I make a phone call? 518 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:08,238 You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. 519 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,993 But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. 520 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:13,036 It helps if you cry. 521 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:17,835 Don't make your bed! 522 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:18,909 What? 523 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,439 We'll make it for you. 524 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,118 Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. 525 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:28,714 Honey! We'll make the bed. We know how. 526 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:30,835 I know how to make a bed. 527 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,229 We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. 528 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:37,393 You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. 529 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:38,955 Seriously? 530 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,549 Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. 531 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,316 So, we make our beds in the morning before they... 532 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,188 No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. 533 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,318 What if I want to sleep in the bed? 534 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:52,595 Look, you can do what you want, 535 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,831 but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. 536 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,718 You want that? Be my guest. 537 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,758 Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! 538 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,998 That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, 539 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,629 and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. 540 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:11,796 Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish? 541 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,516 You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish. 542 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:35,429 So? 543 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:36,954 Wait. 544 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:49,794 Dinner's at 4:.30? 545 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,751 Recount, ladies! 546 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:56,991 -They always screw it up. -How hard is it to fucking count? 547 00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:58,957 Nicky, this is... 548 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:00,519 Piper. Chapman. 549 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,517 Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? 550 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,313 Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? 551 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,072 I read that you're not supposed to ask that. 552 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,319 You read that? 553 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,111 What, you studied for prison? 554 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:23,749 What did you do? 555 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:25,432 I can't understand your French. 556 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,393 Mon bag! Bag! 557 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:29,919 My bag hasn't arrived. 558 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,913 The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. 559 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:36,834 Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. It's probably on that plane. 560 00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:04,792 Mon bag! 561 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:05,915 My bag. 562 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:25,593 Welcome to Belgium. All good? 563 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:29,071 I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? 564 00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:30,229 Over there. 565 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:32,514 You didn't go through customs? 566 00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,035 No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. 567 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:39,193 You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. 568 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,914 -Well, should I go back? -Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. 569 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,195 I'm gonna eat you for dinner. 570 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,232 Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. 571 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,392 Well, it's good thing you didn't. There's over 50 grand in that bag. 572 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,829 Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. 573 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,471 Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. 574 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,874 Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. 575 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:11,669 Thanks. 576 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:23,469 Hi. 577 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:26,314 It's okay if I sit here? 578 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:28,154 Sure, newbie. 579 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,235 I'm Jones. 580 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,069 Chapman. 581 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:35,759 You doing okay, Chapman? 582 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,835 I don't really know how to answer that question. 583 00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,595 Everything's pretty surreal right now. 584 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,716 Do you know what a mandala is? 585 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,669 Those are those round Buddhist art things. 586 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,714 The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand 587 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:59,315 Iaid out into big, beautiful designs. 588 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:03,394 And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, 589 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:05,471 they wipe it all away. 590 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,992 Wow. That's a lot. 591 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:14,433 Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. 592 00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:20,714 Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. 593 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:24,509 And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. 594 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:29,477 You have to remember that. It's all temporary. 595 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,677 It's all temporary. 596 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:39,278 I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective. 597 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,588 Don't eat the pudding. 598 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:45,671 What's the perspective on the pudding? 599 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:47,950 It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." 600 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:53,032 Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. 601 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,868 Hi, there. 602 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,313 Hi, Sister. This is Chapman. 603 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,109 Sister? As in nun? 604 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,712 Yep. A killer nun. 605 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,556 Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking. 606 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:09,394 She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. 607 00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,119 Amen. 608 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,715 So. Now, Chapman, what's your story? 609 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,550 I chained myself to a drug dealer. 610 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:27,076 Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. 611 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:31,791 By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. 612 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:33,434 I pray for you, Nicky. 613 00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:36,754 I pray for you, too, Sister. 614 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,310 I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. 615 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,113 You gotta love a yoga body. 616 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,754 You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga. 617 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,629 That whole common room smells like farts. It kind of takes away the magic for me. 618 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:51,234 You like pussy, Piper? 619 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,955 Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? 620 00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,349 I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. 621 00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:57,839 Oh, leave her alone. 622 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:00,515 Come on, Sister. 623 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,591 You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. 624 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:11,109 Thank you, Mommy. 625 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:14,515 Thanks, Red. 626 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:18,795 Thanks, Red. 627 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:23,355 She's your mom? 628 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:24,913 Maternal figurehead. 629 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,753 My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, 630 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,479 who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. 631 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,516 She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. 632 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,239 Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? 633 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,677 You got what I asked you for? 634 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:39,754 I'm working on it. 635 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,798 So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. 636 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,438 How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? People. 637 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:57,835 Who's this? 638 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:02,318 This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. 639 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,714 Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. 640 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,038 What do I have to do for it? 641 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,874 You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. 642 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:22,832 Thank you. Thank you so much. 643 00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,710 The food here is disgusting. 644 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:39,635 What? 645 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:41,831 Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? 646 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:47,996 Shit. I'm sorry. 647 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:54,393 Honey. 648 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,709 I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. 649 00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,632 Well, I'm gonna tell you. 650 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:04,555 You don't like the food? It's no problem. 651 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:16,079 Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. 652 00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:19,869 Can I help you?. 653 00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:23,957 I'm Chapman. I'm new today. 654 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,596 They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. 655 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:28,909 Who's they? 656 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:37,875 Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. I have to let him know I'm okay. 657 00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,432 Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. 658 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,590 Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. 659 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,154 Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. 660 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:54,878 Dial nine to get out. 661 00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,031 -Hello, Larry's phone. -Amy? 662 00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:08,758 -Piper? -Give me the phone. 663 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,637 One second. Can I say hello? 664 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,035 Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. 665 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,839 Are you okay? What's it like in there? 666 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:19,230 Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. 667 00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,395 -Mom. -Let him talk, Amy. 668 00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:21,469 Ma, give me the phone. 669 00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:23,118 Amy, please let me talk to Larry. 670 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,158 You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, 671 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:27,639 she foraged for dandelions. 672 00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,233 Okay, Mom, please. 673 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,113 -I was talking! -Amy, it's not always about you, dear. 674 00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,037 -What is that supposed to mean? -Piper? 675 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,156 I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. 676 00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:37,992 Hey, are you okay? What's going on? 677 00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:39,354 I love you so much. 678 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,317 I love you, too. Are you okay? 679 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:44,039 I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. 680 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:46,399 You joining the Aryan Nation? 681 00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,357 I don't know. But there's a nun here. 682 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,715 And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. 683 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:51,835 That's weird. 684 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:52,995 I know, right? 685 00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:56,516 And when I got here, they gave me these little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. 686 00:43:56,880 --> 00:44:00,589 But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. 687 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,272 I love you so much. 688 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,354 One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. 689 00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,710 Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack. 690 00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,109 What did you have for dinner? 691 00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,036 My folks brought from The Palace. 692 00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:17,434 The Palace. 693 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,032 Dinner here was scary liver. 694 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,110 And I insulted the chef, 695 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:27,113 and you're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm. 696 00:44:27,240 --> 00:44:30,073 Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay?. 697 00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:32,549 I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together. 698 00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:35,518 Please, please tell me you're okay. 699 00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,558 -Wrap it up, Chapman. -I'm Chapman here. 700 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:44,596 You're my Pipes, okay? And I love you, and this is only temporary. 701 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,592 That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. 702 00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:50,159 And I can't, I can't! 703 00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:52,470 Piper, you can. You so can, okay? 704 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,438 You are so strong, babe. You... 705 00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:56,873 And you love adventure, right? 706 00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,235 That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. 707 00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:03,233 This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, 708 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,117 and racism. 709 00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:07,510 You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. 710 00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:08,868 Tell my mother to come on Saturday, 711 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,757 and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? 712 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:12,637 Of course. Okay? 713 00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:14,676 Two sleeps. That's it. 714 00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:18,469 Two sleeps on top of your bed. And then, I will be there. 715 00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,799 Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye. 716 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:23,675 I have to go. 717 00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:24,875 Hey, no crying. 718 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,188 I'm not crying. 719 00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:28,510 Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. 720 00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:31,672 Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. 721 00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:32,829 I love you. 722 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,273 I love you. 723 00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:42,072 Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. 724 00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:46,078 In the meantime, try to get some sleep. 725 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,232 Orientation is tomorrow at 9:.00. 726 00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,072 Shampoo for you. 727 00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,635 I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you." 728 00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,639 Thank you. 729 00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,714 Good night, Chapman. 730 00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:05,632 Close the door behind you. 731 00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:26,954 Chapman. Hey, Chapman. 732 00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:28,029 -What? -Rise and shine. 733 00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:29,275 What? What? 734 00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:32,113 You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. 735 00:46:32,240 --> 00:46:34,231 Look at your eyes. 736 00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:35,753 You should put some cold water on them. 737 00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,154 Okay. Thanks. 738 00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:41,153 Take a nice shower, get dressed, you'll start to feel normal soon enough. 739 00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,518 -You got flip-flops? -No. 740 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,470 Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. 741 00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:07,351 You're driving me crazy! 742 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:17,475 Boo!. 743 00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:41,555 Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. 744 00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:44,871 I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. 745 00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,079 -You hungry? -I'm starving. Excuse me. 746 00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:49,798 -Such pretty hair. -Thank you. 747 00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:52,474 When those roots start to show, be sure to come and see me, okay? 748 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,312 I'll take good care of you. 749 00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:57,233 But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. 750 00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,875 She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. 751 00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:03,234 Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? 752 00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:04,509 Yes. 753 00:48:08,440 --> 00:48:10,396 Red says she made that special for you. 754 00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:13,472 Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. 755 00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,596 I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. 756 00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:18,509 Man, I'm telling you, 757 00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:21,512 before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. 758 00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:23,431 Now they look like Chiclets, look. 759 00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:25,471 You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. 760 00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:27,278 Bet you never get the food stuck in them. 761 00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,158 So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful. 762 00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:33,676 It's like God put them in you every day. A summer breeze coming over here. 763 00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:36,308 -Yeah? You like that? -Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. 764 00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:40,514 What did you do? 765 00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,079 She insulted the food in front of Red. 766 00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:44,595 Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. 767 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:49,634 Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. 768 00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:53,188 You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. 769 00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:55,271 And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. 770 00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,874 Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. 771 00:48:57,960 --> 00:48:59,757 Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. 772 00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:02,030 Orientation starts in 1 0 minutes. 773 00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:04,395 At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? 774 00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:05,674 I think I saw you in there? 775 00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:13,549 I don't... I don't know. Excuse me. 776 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,915 Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. 777 00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:25,637 Where's she going with that tray? Can't take them out of here. 778 00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:26,915 Yeah, she'll figure it out. 779 00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:28,758 Was she really in the shower this morning? 780 00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:52,316 Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?