If they're not black and blue, they're not getting through.
It's time to send in the clown.
Let's clear a path.
Line me up.
***, that was cool!
You guys can't drive for shit.
Um, they're still alive.
I noticed! The gun is jammed.
Take the wheel.
Watch your left, swerve!
Stop backseat driving and fix that *** thing.
I am!
Fixed.
Jello, Lawmen!
Why do you always say "Jello" like that?
Well, it means goodbye.
What? No, it's not. It's a dessert, you moron.
No, it's insider slang.
A dude said it after dinner before he...
Oh, God damn it!
- Behind! - Behind!
Aw. I always knew you two would work things out.
And I love what you've done with the car.
Hey, thanks, man. Love what you've done with your, uh, fire hair.
Looks really good.
No, I'm just trying something new.
Hey, I heard you got beef with Stone.
Beef? I got a whole butcher shop. Stone is mine. Ta!
Bye!
*** you, man.
Holy shit. It's... I wanna say, uh, Lou?
No, it begins with a "S". It's on the tip of my tongue.
- It... - Stu! Stu!
Stu!
- Aw, man. - That's my guy!
Oh, shit!
Duck, duck, goose!
- You're welcome. - ***!
C-come on, baby. Come on, baby, follow me, follow me.
Oh, no, too close.
Here's your gift from mama, baby.
Shit.
Now's your chance to skedaddle!
We can't leave you to fight this.
The *** you can't. I'm tired of y'all. You're bogartin' my kill.
Gemini to Twister. We're flying in.
Amber, you keep layin' down that fire.
These chickens are flying the coop.
- Thanks, Watts. Next round's on us. - Shit.
Can someone kill this *** truck?
You got it, sir.
Amber!
Where do you think you're goin', Stone?
You can't hide from me. Ice cream? No, you scream.
Oh, no! No. Amber!
Why'd you do that? The-they were on our side.
There are no sides, Stubert. Everybody burns.
*** this shit.
Gotcha!
Okay, Stubie. Now's your chance to show me your fangs.
Pull the trigger and put your doggy down.
Do it!
Come on, do it!
- Do it! - Do it!
Come on, Stewie. You can do this.
Holy shit. Mike, let's go!
You saved my ***.
I think I skinned my wang.
Do... Don't talk about your wang, man.
I don't wanna look at it, man.
Stubert!
You'll abide by the law, clown.
Harold, take the wheel.
Get off my car!
You! Took! Everything! From! Me!
What the ***!
Hey! You're dripping eye-blood on the hood. Oh, *** it.
Oh, shit!
Did I... Did I kill him?
I don't know, you wanna turn around to check for a pulse?
Let's get the hell outta here!
Just go, get outta here. Just go!
Holy shit, I think we're gonna make it. Shit!
God, I'm so tired of running from Officer *** Cheese.
- Hang on. - Thanks for the warnin'. Whoa!
Oh, okay. We can play chicken.
Come on, ***s!
Now!
Uh-oh.
Ohn? John! John!
Well, well, well.
It's just you and me again.
You know, when I was walking a beat in Topeka,
I used to see pieces of trash just like you.
They'd mock me, call me names, spit on me.
Just because I was tryin' to keep the streets safe.
When the power grid blew,
all those same ***heads came to my door,
wanting to be protected. Wanting to be safe.
But you know what they really wanted?
They just wanted to be kept in line.
What's so ***in' funny?
You talk so much.
Always talkin' about rules and laws.
It's all ***. You're just a sad, lonely man.
And you think you're in control.
I am in control.
No.
You're just the one holding the gun.
Any last words?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I'm gonna give you a tough choice.
You can die slowly. Or...
You can die fast.
You have a good day now, ***.
Oh, honey! Oh!
Oh!
Oh, my goodn...
Thought I'd lost you again. Okay. Where... Wh... Where's...
Oh!
I'm sorry.
Those ***s are gonna pay.
Bill, I'm back! You miss me?
Bill got promoted. You do not have clearance to approach.
Look, I know you're just tryin' to do your job,
but I have a life-changin' opportunity that's goin' to expire
if I don't deliver this package in one minute and seventeen,
sixteen, fifteen... You see where I'm goin' with this?
Yeah, that's not my problem.
Uh, it will be if Raven hears
her delivery expired right outside her gate.
Holy shit.
Tell Raven... the Milkman made it.
Let's go.
Open the gate!
You didn't tell me she was so hot.
Someone's had a busy ten days.
I'm not the only one.
Hey, congratulations on the promotion, Bill.
She treatin' you well? Good pay, good benefits?
Just give her the package, John.
Wow. *** you, Bill.
How do we know she's actually gonna pay up?
This is how Milkmen deliveries work.
Only person who makin' it weird right now is you.
Congratulations, John.
Welcome to New San Francisco.
Hey, hey, you! Whoa, hold on, man.
Bill, calm down. She's with me.
John. She's not allowed to enter.
But you wouldn't have it if it wasn't for her.
We had a deal, John. You and me.
And she's with me. That's all you need to know.
If she can't go in, fine. I'm not goin' in either.
John. Don't do this.
You wanted this your whole life, right?
Yeah, but...
Then you need to go.
What are you doing?
I'm not gonna be the reason you don't go inside.
So, you're gonna go in, and you're gonna be happy.
You got it?
Don't, John. I mean it.
Quiet. Ow!
He needs medical attention. Get him inside.
Go on.
What? Quiet, no! Quiet. Quiet!
Jello, John.
Stop. Now!
Here. John usually makes this run, but since he's retired.
What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
Deliver it. We need a new Milkman.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey! That was for San Diego.
- That's-That's mine! - *** San Diego.
The Milkman has stabilized. Doc said he'll be fine.
But the girl... Couldn't you have let her in?
She complicates things.
Imagine what John went through,
driving halfway across the country, all to deliver...
this. Mm.
What do you think?
It's fine. I ordered pistachio.
Of course, they *** up my order.
I meant about John.
Oh! He passed his test.
And Calypso kept his end of the bargain.
Mostly. Ugh, marshmallow.
So, it's time that we start prepping him for his new position?
Mm, not yet. Let him acclimate, get a feel for the good life inside.
Then, we'll talk about what comes next.
It's a nice ***.
All right, jerkoff, it's just me and you.
Are we gonna work it out today or not?
Oh, ***... this!
Look, you ***in'...
Come on. Why do you make me do this to you?
Don't be such a ***in' asshole!
*** the bike.
What?
- Hi. - Good morning, John.
Hey, what's up John?
Hey, John.
Morning, John.
Look, I'm telling you.
Look, the weirdest thing I've ever eaten was an owl.
- No shit? - Why?
I got the midnight munchies.
- You know what I'm talkin' about. - Shut up.
Think you're such a badass, John.
Oh! God, you must've, like, killed so many people.
- Uh, I... Yeah, yeah, a few, yeah. - Yeah?
- Hmm. - Yeah.
But like how many?
Uh, I... I mean, I don't keep count, dude.
He doesn't keep count! Okay, like I said, you're a badass.
Oh! You gotta tell them about the clown.
Wait, what?
This is so crazy. He kept like bondage stuff, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a lot of leather and sweat.
Hi.
Diane, right?
Yeah. Come in. It's okay, I won't bite.
Uh...
So, uh, I've never been set up on a thing like this before.
- Oh! - But Chester told me you were a guard with him?
You don't remember me?
You do not have clearance to approach.
- Oh, shit! Bill's replacement! I didn't even recognize you. - Mm-hmm.
Well, it must be the hair.
I didn't even see past the gun.
Let me get you a drink. Do you like wine?
Uh, toilet or sink?
How about red?
- Oh. - Yeah?
- Okay. - Okay!
Oh, that's the pizza. Would you mind grabbing that?
Sure.
Hey. Got a cheese pizza for you.
Wow.
I've never been on the other side of a delivery.
I'm supposed to give you something, right? Here you go.
Bullets?
Would you prefer gasoline?
There's cash right there, dude.
Oh! Right.
I hope that makes a warm fire for you. And hey, thanks.
I really appreciate what you went through to get this here.
It's not a big deal, man.
So, this is pizza.
You've never had pizza?
Oh, my God, have you never had pizza?
No.
I'm honored to be here for your first time.
Thanks.
Good?
Uh-huh.
I know you're out there.
You don't know who you're messin' with.
If you're gonna kill me, do it quick, you goddamn Vulture.
I'm not a Vulture, you buttmunch.
And I don't wanna kill you. Your delivery. I want half.
I heard o' you. You're the one who's been robbing Milkmen?
I've scratched my taint with twigs bigger than you.
You ain't gettin' shit.
Next one I throw you'll be driving with your feet. So... half.
Fine! It's in the back.
I hope you choke on it.
It's not for me, you jackoff.
The Insiders have been running this shit for far too long.
It's time somebody shared the wealth.
- Yo! - Oh!
So, tell me, how is John adjusting?
He's doing great. Uh, we all get along.
I, I mean, I think me and the guys would be friends
with him whether or not we had to. Right, fellas?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Yeah, that - Yeah, yeah. Definitely.
And Diane?
She... She said it went well. She's pushing for a second date.
Good. Make sure that happens.
I want John to be happy.
And because I want it, you should want that too.
John is happy.
I mean, he... he'll be ready to drive for you any day now.
Raven. Just got word that John Doe is only two blocks away.
All right, let's go.
Right. Yeah.
John! Wanna join us for a beer?
No thanks, Chester.
I'm leavin'.
You really wanna leave after I gave you everything I promised?
I even heard things are going swimmingly with Diane.
How do you know about Diane?
It's my job to know everything.
The only thing I don't know is what else I could possibly give you?
Something you can't give me.
The girl?
John, you're seriously gonna give all of this up
for some chick you knew for ten days?
- I've had colds last longer. - Her name's Quiet.
No way that's her real name.
You do know her real name, don't you?
Also, didn't she shoot you?
Yeah, that happened.
John, that doesn't sound healthy.
Okay, look, if it's really how you feel,
I will escort you to the gate myself.
We just have to make one quick stop first.
Come on.
The *** is wrong with you now?
It finally happened. I'm talkin' to a car.
I know something didn't die in you.
Last time that happened, you smelled like burnt baby raccoon.
Thank you, by the way, that was delicious.
Maybe something shifted when I slammed into that Milkman the other week?
Oh, my God, now I'm *** asking a car a God damn question.
That's great. That's really great.
Sup... Super healthy.
Why won't you work, you...
rusted piece of shit?
I'm very sorry, um, that was very rude.
Did not deserve that.
It's not your fault that you're rusted.
It's just, we've been together a month and
I have no clue how you work.
Oil goes in your mouth and fuel goes up your butt.
Everything in the middle's just... ***, makes no sense!
I guess I just keep trying pieces until I find one...
You just try different pieces till you find the one that fits.
Fits?
You better not be *** with me.
Holy shit, I did it! I *** did it! What the *** did I do?
Where are you takin' me?
Here.
Nice house.
I'm glad you think so. It's yours.
You think a residential upgrade is gonna keep me here? Pass.
No, John. This is yours.
This is where you grew up.
Wait.
I lived here?
You've got mail.
When I first heard of John Doe the Milkman,
I did a little digging.
And when I learned that you had roots here, dug some more.
I'm sure you'll have lots of questions.
And if you stay, you'll get answers.
I don't know what name I was born with or who I am, really.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Drive!
It's just like I promised you. I brought you home.
No, this isn't my home. It's his.
Whatever his name is.
This isn't me anymore.
I found my home out there with Quiet.
Hmm.
Wow. I never took you for such a romantic,
but if that's your decision...
This isn't normally how I like to do things, but hey, I'm flexible.
I have a job for you.
I'm not gonna be your Milkman.
Milkman?
No, those days for you are long gone.
But you're still the driver. Best I've ever seen.
You proved that to me when you made my little run.
See, you passed the test, John.
And now I need your skills.
There's gonna be a tournament.
The first of its kind.
Where the best drivers from all across the country,
from all walks of life, are gonna be invited to compete.
See, the tournament only has one rule.
Survive.
And you better believe who you face won't play fair.
This is where you come in, John.
You are my horse.
And I need you to win because Calypso is offering
quite a prize.
The winner gets their heart's desire,
their greatest wish, come true.
You're gonna help me win, John.
And you're gonna do it by getting behind the wheel,
and turning every car and
contestant that crosses your path into nothing
but a flaming pile of twisted metal.
You will drive, John Doe. And you will win.
Okay, where to next?
Hey, girl. I've been dying to talk to you.
I heard you know my brother. He goes by John.
I told you we'd find it.
And we did. Shangri-***-la.
We got everything we need. Ladies, liquor, and long dogs.
My baby.
This is Strawberry. She's a doctor and a lawyer.
I met her in a strip club.
Okay, okay. This is Cleopatra. She, uh, specializes in French cuisine.
Ooh-la-la.
She, uh, is also a stripper.
Thinkin' about takin' a swim, what do you guys think?
Nah, she'll sink right to the bottom. I've tried before.
- Good evening. - Holy shit!
Actually, I have a better idea.
Mike!