We don't have time for this.
You're hurt. I get it.
Now, there's a way out of this.
Okay?
It's never happened to me before.
Really. I mean...
Oh, man.
Damn it.
Um, you never get a second chance to make a first impression,
you know?
Hey! No, no, no!
This time, it's loaded.
Six bullets, each with your name on it
if you don't get out of my car right now...
That said, I'm willing to negotiate.
Oh, I guess Evelyn doesn't like you very much.
Look, I'll make you a deal.
You scooch over, I'll get you out of this alive.
But you better think fast, because that ain't no birthday clown.
Okay.
Ow.
Okay. L-one. R-one. Up, down, left, right, right, down, up!
All right, Evelyn, we have nine days to get away from this clown,
ditch this psychopathic hitchhiker, and make it to New Chicago.
Hey, look, you forgot your seatbelt.
Here for the show?
I'm definitely here for the show.
You're not coming to my show?
Well, then the show is comin' to you!
Supper time!
Stu, I love you. But this is all your fault.
How was I supposed to know
the woods would be crawling with Butchers?
I'm talkin' about gettin' us exiled.
You had to get caught sleeping on duty.
Hey, you were sleeping too.
I wasn't the one snoring like a goat in heat.
It's called sleep apnea. It's a real medical condition.
A... And it'd be a lot more manageable
if you hadn't traded in my CPAP machine for porno.
Excuse me for trying to get you something dope for your birthday.
You know what's dope?
A full eight hours of sleep. Dreaming is dope.
Francis! Why did you season both meat-bags in teriyaki sauce?
Francis, we talked about diversifying flavors.
Fine, um. Oh, I'll cover the thick one in lemon pepper.
No, no, no.
Oh. Oh. Oh, God. It's so tangy, dude.
I call dibs on the man-titties.
Holy cow. Holy cow.
- Whoa... - Clear.
All clear!
Please don't.
We don't usually find the pigs alive before the luau.
You can cut 'em loose.
Butchers.
They'd rather eat the flesh of their own kind than starve.
You guys are guards?
We, uh, we used to be. Uh, Mike and I were...
On a scouting mission from Seattle, looking for trading routes.
Our car broke down and, next thing you know,
we're getting grabbed by these ***.
We're always on the lookout for upstanding citizens.
I'll give you guys a choice.
You can try and make your way back up north, where it can be...
pretty dicey.
Or you can take the grip, join us,
bringing law and order back to the Divided States of America.
What do you say?
Shit. Come on.
Sweet.
All right. Welcome to The Law. Huh?
You guys.
Can't believe I already got a flat tire.
Way to go, John. Way to go.
Hey, Silent-But-Not-Very-Deadly,
you gonna come over here and help me with this?
Don't shush me. You come over here and help me with the tire.
- Toyland. - Oh!
- Toyland. - Come on.
Little girl and boy land
I'mma handle this shit. Watch my back.
When you dwell within it.
You are ever happy then.
You can hide.
But I have ways to find you.
Marco.
Marco!
I'll be right back, Evelyn. I'll get us outta here.
Marco.
Damn, that usually works.
Huh?
Shh.
Oh, shit.
Marco.
Polo?
Well, hi there.
Aw, that tickled.
You know, my dad always wanted to play catch.
But he could never catch a ball.
He could catch a bullet.
Why you scurrying away, little squirrel?
Looking for a nut?
This is gonna be fun. Machete.
Huh, swung a little wide there.
Well, aren't we a tall glass of water?
Me, I'm more of a Hawaiian punch.
- Oh, shit. - I'm guessing you don't fight much
outside of your car, now, do ya?
Look, Clown, I don't need four wheels to kick your ***.
Any chance we could get this back in the cars?
How about a little kill music.
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
All night long
Let me see that thong
Like it when the beat go
Da na da na
Baby, let your booty go
Da na na na
Girl, I know you wanna show
Da na na na
That thong, th-thong, thong, thong
Do you love the silver-haired God?
Huh?
And don't lie to me.
Yeah, man.
Look, I listened to Unleash
the Dragon so many times the disc broke.
I'm not a liar.
But you said you were coming to my show.
And then you shot at me!
It was a misunderstanding.
I've been getting shot at ever since I can remember.
It's a force of habit, I guess.
Hmm.
Sounds like you have trust issues.
Yeah, you're not wrong. Nice pipes, dude, I have to say.
That high note, whoo! It was perfect.
Oh, word?
Yeah. Can I go? I got somewhere to be.
I thought you said you were coming to the show.
Of course I am.
Just... Can I leave after the show?
Well, in that case, tonight is opening night.
How were your showers?
Oh, I don't know the last time
I felt hot water that wasn't my own piss...
uh, sir.
Consider your recompense for upholding law and order.
Warm showers, warm blankets, warm meals.
Yo.
Oh, ***. Mashed potatoes?
God damn, look at all that gravy!
I wonder how we can get one of those punch cards?
Now, let's proceed to your initiation.
Right this way, gentlemen.
What you see down there is our supply truck.
It brings us important provisions.
As you can see, it's broken down.
That's why it's not moving.
What I need for you to do is to protect that truck.
From what?
Seagulls.
Skittles?
No, I'm good.
Pre-show jitters.
Listen, I really appreciate you coming along willingly.
Normally, I have to drag
people into the theater kicking and screaming.
Ah, word of advice, you won't like what happens if you run.
What? Oh, him? Nah, he was here before.
Hey, Donald. Don't worry he can't hear us.
Now, I love names. Kind of a name guy.
You know, the right ones can send a shudder down your spine.
Wanna know what I go by?
There's not a person on the West Coast that hasn't heard of
Sweet Tooth.
See what I mean?
You really feel it in your bones.
What's your name, friend?
John Doe.
Nah, I'd give it a seven.
Hey, I didn't pick it.
I don't know what name I was born with or...
who I am, really.
Oh, amnesia.
What's your brand? Post-traumatic?
Transient? Disassociative?
All I know is my first memory is me waking up in my car.
Blood coming out of my head.
Wait, that's my first memory too. My head covered in blood.
'Course, it was being pushed out of my mom's whisker bisky.
Whoa, you remember that?
Oh, yeah. I remember everything.
You should consider yourself lucky.
There are some things I wish I could forget.
Like the time I shit my pants
in my elementary school production of Oklahoma.
I can still see the audiences' faces,
laughing, mocking.
Hey, do you know Sisqo's real name was Mark?
Oh, rock.
Man, what is wrong with you? You holdin' in a fart or somethin'?
If the truck's so important, why don't they just move it?
Something doesn't smell right, man.
It smells good to me.
Look, back in Seattle, they treated us like morons.
Now look at us. We're holding thirty cals, dude.
Come on, baby. Get your head in the game.
Come on. Come on. There you go.
*** you.
Eyes up, boys.
If those Seagulls lay a fingernail on our supplies, it's open season.
The hell? Hey, why do you call them "Seagulls"?
They just look like normal survivors to me.
What else would you call a bunch of ***' trash eaters?
Dude, we really gonna kill these gu...
It's one-love, Stu. It's all yours.
Clean it up.
Melon down.
Saved your ***.
Seagulls, Butchers, exiles, they see the world in shades of Grey.
What I need from you two Lawmen
is that you show 'em that there's only two colors in the world.
Black and blue.
Ah, you missed, um, eh.
Coulda happened to anyone. Rookie mistake.
Hey, don't let it happen again.
Okay.
You guys want some burgers?
Bloody baby, bloody baby.
Tip of the teat, tip of the teat, tip of the teat.
My marvelous murderer makes me mangey on Monday.
You sleep here?
What, the penthouse was booked up?
Nah, way too much space up there. Nice bidet, though.
Like taking a shotgun up the ***.
No, no,
I sleep here 'cause it reminds me of where I was before Vegas.
Back then, I lived with a real solid group of dudes.
But then the world took a shit, and I came to Sin City.
Now, that was a party.
You've been here, alone, for over two decades?
Holy shit, has it been that long?
Look at this guy. Hasn't aged a day.
What a beauty.
No, I mean, I'm, I'm not alone. I got Harold.
Which... Have you... You haven't met Harold.
I'm gonna introduce you.
This is Harold.
Been my best friend since I was a kid.
You know, my entire life, people have been lying to me.
Even my *** parents!
But uh, never Harold, you know.
He can't lie to me. He can't lie to anyone.
I can see that.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
Look at that smile.
So, you got a Harold?
No. I got an Evelyn.
Oh, that's cute.
Well, before I met her, bein' alone was all I knew.
Now she makes everything easier, y'know?
Sometimes I wish I could make her laugh. Right?
I have to say, after all this time, that's the sound I miss the most.
You know what sound I miss the most?
The sound of hand meat clapping together.
Nothing like that glorious applause.
I mean, it's almost better than,
I don't know, hearing somebody choking on their own blood.
But look at me getting carried away.
Good thing that your Evelyn's got hands, huh?
She must clap for you all the time.
No, she doesn't. She's my car.
You talk to your car?
That's weird, man.
Oh. Ah, There you are.
So, if Evelyn's not the girl, who's she?
I caught this little Bess crawling through my vents.
Shit, I was gonna starve her.
Watching the life slowly drain from their eyes,
kinda my artistic process.
You know, the last guy lasted almost four weeks.
Hey, Wilbur! I think she's gonna give you a run for your money.
She won't.
Bloody baby, bloody baby.
Hey, you try to kill me every chance you get.
Why should I show you mercy?
God damn it.
Hey, man. Why don't you let her out?
And why would I do that?
No, no, no. Listen. What good is an audience of one?
Think about all the meat slapping you'll hear with four hands.
That's true.
I don't often get feedback
from the eighteen-to-thirty-five female demographic.
Fine.
You fish her out and take a seat.
Don't worry. I got a table just for you.
And what happens after the show?
Well, you go on your merry way.
Really?
Well, if I'm being honest, nobody's survived all three acts.
Curb your loins. Curtain's up in ten minutes.
Tonight, you will be enjoying white tiger prepared three ways.
There's a whole pack of those milky white ***
breeding up on the fourth floor.
Anyway, enjoy. Bone ape tit.
Give me back those keys.
Hey, hey, if it wasn't for me,
you would be a starvin' corpse right now.
Listen, neither one of us made it pretty far on our own.
So instead of us trying to get the...
Holy shit, this steak is good.
Instead of us trying to stab each other in the back,
we should put our heads together and figure out
how the hell we're gonna make it through this show.
Is any of this getting through to you?
Blink twice for yes.
Cool. We're ***.
Tonight, I will be presenting a one-man play entitled
That's In-Room Entertainment,
based on the hotel's in-room entertainment.
Hi, I'm Debra from Guest Services and Welcome to Nevada.
. Deep in the heart of Vegas is the Monte Cristo,
a veritable oasis in the sand.
And don't forget about our promenade.
It features all the latest brands
and is just a stone's throw from the salon.
Girl, might be time to take care of those split ends.
And, for all you love birds out there,
Las Vegas is still the marriage capital of the world.
Time for kisses.
And you have selected express checkout.
Please leave your key at the drop box at the front desk.
I thank you for staying with us.
Well, we've come to the Q and A.
Where I ask the Q's or I kick your A.
So now is the moment of truth.
What do you think?
Oh. Um, I loved it.
What exactly did you love about it?
Uh, your performance. I was moved.
What? It was a tour de force!
I'm gonna tour de force this machete down your throat.
If you're not gonna tell the truth,
then I'm gonna make you shut up and bleed.
It was a *** snooze-fest.
Now you talk?
The hell did you say?
It sucked.
Your performance was dull as dickwater and, frankly, beneath you.
And you?
You agree with her?
Yes. I agree with her.
Come on, man. It was borin'.
I get it, you've been here forever, but you did a play about a hotel.
But didn't Mark Twain say you should write what you know?
Well, Mark Twain's a dumbass. You gotta get out in the world, man.
Yeah. Look, trust me,
you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone.
You end up talking to a car.
Yeah, like this guy.
You know what? You're right.
I can't wait here for my audience.
I need to get out there and hunt my audience down.
Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant.
No, that's exactly what you meant.
I'm gonna get out there and I'm gonna embrace the chaos.
Who knows? Maybe I'll even fall in love.
This show is goin' on the road.
Ah.
That was beautiful, man.
Well, a night of firsts.
My first honest critique, first people I ever let leave here alive,
but most importantly, my first two fans.
You two, I got you a headshot.
There's an inscription in there.
"See you soon."
I hope not.
Hey, thanks for being honest.
You know, I have to admit,
I didn't think we were gonna make it out of there alive.
I mean, it would've been a lot easier
if you had piped up instead of just trying to...
Oh, come on, have you learned nothin'?
What is your problem, anyway?
I'm trying to find someone.
Well, I'm trying to get somewhere,
and I lost a hell of a lot of time watching that God-awful play.
If you put the gun down,
I'll drop you off as close as I can to where you're going.
- Deal? - Fine.
But I'm keeping the gun.
No, come on. That one's new. All right, all right. Take it.
What's your name, anyway?
Okay, I'll start. Hi, I'm John. You're... Bridgette?
Yolanda? Jennifer?
Okay. So, since you like to be quiet, that's what I'm gonna call you.
"Quiet." Is that okay, Quiet?
Yep.
So, you really not gonna tell me your name?
Nope.
Fine.
Makes it easier when I drop your *** off
in the middle of nowhere, Quiet.
Sack up, newbs. Got a live one.
Stop the vehicle and demand to see their Open Road License.
They don't got it, they don't pass.
What?
Hi, sorry. Just, uh, one question.
Uh, where do we bring 'em?
Oh, and why are we stopping them?
And, and what's an Open Road License?
Is it common?
- Christ. - Okay.
We learn on the job. I respect that.
Never seen a checkpoint that wasn't outside of a settlement.
These guys aren't on the map, so...
more delays.
Let me do all the talking. I deal with these guys all the time.
I speak their lingo.
Hey. O.R.L., please.
Did you just ask me for oral?
Uh, no, sir. Uh, O.R.L.
Uh, Open Road License.
That's a awful acronym.
Hey, look. I'm just a Milkman.
I'm just passing through, man. Come on.
And you guys look great, by the way. I love your shirts, man.
What, are you like a club, or a team, or somethin'?
We're officers. Of The Law.
Huh, angry black friend. Okay.
Hey, where... Get back in the car!
Listen to your friend.
Eat my ***, ***.