(CHEERFUL, SIMPLE TUNE PLAYING)
Ho, ho, ho, guys.
Ho, ho, ho, indeed.
Here he is, dear old Santa Clogs,
handing out treats to the recently inconvenienced.
Marv Putnam has put me in charge
of doing some brand image rehabilitation for Softees,
after our bloody man mitts
caused a bit of a sewer clog situation, allegedly.
Well, Marv will finally see what old Ken Davies is capable of
when he is given total control of a project.
These may look like ordinary ice creams, but in actual fact,
they are sample rolls of peppermint-scented toilet paper.
(KIDS SPITTING, COUGHING)
This isn't ice cream! It's toilet paper!
Why does it smell like dessert?
It's peppermint-infused tissue,
madam, in the shape of the thing it smells of.
What about that do you not understand? I'm sorry.
No. No, no, chill! You have to chill!
(KIDS SCREAMING)
Drive. Drive!
- Drive! - KID: Keep throwing!
And remember, Softees is quality because Softees cares. Drive.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. (BALL THUDDING)
I can't see you.
- Approved. - (whispers) Thank you.
Ned got Oscar to pay for food and gas for me and Detrick today.
We're investigating this farm three hours south of here
that might be a cult.
They might also just love growing squash,
and all shop at the same poncho store, but come on.
Also my neighbour's son is there, and he missed his mom's birthday,
so I promised her we'd get to the bottom of it.
I'm not 100% sure it's a cult,
but it's a fun story for Mare.
And I got the gas money approved,
so that's fun too.
Hey. Ready to go?
Um... I'm not going.
- What? - Last night, I had a messed up dream.
There was a guy in it. He-He was wearing a red poncho.
He handed me a robe.
And he said, "Brother Detrick, don this."
I didn't even know I knew what "don" meant.
But I... I donned it.
- So you dream-joined the cult? - I just don't think I should go.
I'm too susceptible.
Oh, this is the squash collective?
I can go with you if Detrick can't.
Uh, why? So you can be my bodyguard?
No. Because it's my favourite stall at the farmer's market.
Love to see where they grow it all.
If someone tries to hurt you, I will just let them.
- Can I come? - Alright.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ah...
Don't drink the Kool-Aid, OK?
- I won't. - Alright.
(BUMPS DOOR, EXCLAIMS)
A few weeks ago, in the archive room,
someone found a picture of Barry when he was 30,
and he was very handsome.
So that image stuck in my mind for several days.
But then Barry did something very inappropriate, because
when you think about a man that way,
he knows that he can come into your dreams,
and he can have his way with you.
I am very sorry to say
that Barry took that liberty.
If it happened once, it would be OK, because
I was willing.
There was a mutual attraction.
But then it happened every night!
Like, Barry has come every night,
unbidden, into my dreams,
and he has had me.
I have my needs, like everybody else,
maybe more, but he is insatiable.
And then the day after, I come into the office,
and he pretends like nothing happened.
How dares he?!
(MESSAGE CHIMES)
New comment on my South Pacific review at the Stranahan?
"Do you get paid by the adverb over there?
Write less pretentiously, asshat."
Oh, man. Gomudhens10 strikes again.
- It's brutal. - You know who this is?
Gomudhens10 is a troll on our website
who pounces on us every time we make a tiny mistake
and also includes some weirdly dated internet meme insult from 2012.
"Wow, your third article about brook trout this week.
It's amaze-balls how you refuse to broaden your scope."
"Er-mer-gerd.
Dangling modifier alert."
I don't... I don't understand any of that.
"Epic fact check fail." (LAUGHS)
This is funny. Gomudhens10 is funny.
- Yeah, they're so mean, but they're always right. - Mm, yeah.
Not... Not that they're right in this instance, boss.
Yeah, that's totally wrong.
KEN: Relax! Stop throwing that!
MOM: Get away from the truck, kids. (SIGHS)
- KEN: Drive! Drive! Drive! - KID: Keep throwing!
And remember, Softees is quality because Softees cares. Drive.
So you're saying this wasn't your idea?
Well, I mean, for the sake of gallantry,
I would say it was my idea.
But to be completely honest,
I'm compelled to say that it was the idea
of someone else.
Named...
Nicole Lee.
- The girl from the newspaper? - She can be a forceful little madam.
Well, I don't know what series of decisions led us here, Ken,
but Channel 5 offered to have you come on this afternoon
and apologise. - For which mistake, sorry?
For as many as you can fit into eight minutes.
That's all they've given us.
Mm-hmm. Well, I would be absolutely delighted to do that.
Serving children ice cream that turned out to be toilet paper.
We were indeed serving children ice cream
that turned out to be toilet paper. Yeah, that's a good assessment.
Alright, if we leave right now,
it'll take us like four hours and change.
(OBJECTS CLATTER) Oh.
- Wow. - You can just sit on it.
- It's clean trash. - It's clean trash?
- Uh-huh. It's dry. - Alright.
You had a dream where you had sex with Barry?
No. Did you hear what I said?
Barry came into my dreams and just took me.
It wasn't like a dream that you make up.
It was him.
I'm confused. Like a nightmare?
Oh, no. Oh, no, no. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, no, he was wonderful. Very surprising.
I can't complain about that. No.
It's just that I think he's an incubus.
Like he is a sexual demon.
Right. Hmm.
Maybe that's something you should talk about with a professional.
Oh, yes.
Right.
Oh, man. This is so much fun.
- Yeah. This is great. - I love it.
(CHUCKLES) It's gonna be so great.
Road trip.
- Road trip. Road trip! - Road trip.
BOTH: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
(SNORING)
Kill, fuck, marry everybody in the office.
I'd marry them all.
(SIGHS)
- You? - Fuck Ken.
- God. - And kill Ken.
Before or after? (LAUGHS)
- Same time. - Might be easier. - Marry Nicole. - Yeah.
- Marry Nicole? - Of course. My best friend. She's great.
I hope I'm too smart to join a cult, but who knows?
I fell for Blue Apron, so clearly there's a hole
in my life, right? (LAUGHS)
I think the right cult could totally get me.
- You? - Yes. - Sceptical you? No way.
No, sometimes I think I enjoy the structure of the Army too much.
You never have to think about what to wear.
Ugh, you just eat whatever's under the foil.
Hey, sheep.
Mm.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, that one... that one looks like Flossie.
- See that one? - Flossie?
Oh, my parents got me a, uh,
a pet lamb when I was seven.
Wait, but I thought you grew up in Cleveland Heights.
- Yeah, we went to a petting zoo. - Uh-huh.
And I fell in love with this lamb,
and I just begged my parents to get me one for the longest time,
and I kept at it, and eventually they got me Flossie.
Wow.
-And Flo... Flossie was a live sheep? -A lamb, yes.
And she was amazing. I loved her,
but she was never fully housebroken. And so eventually,
my dad sent her away to go live on a farm.
(CHUCKLES QUIETLY)
What?
(LAUGHS) What?
I mean, there's like 300 unrelatable things about what you just said.
- No, no. - First of all, that you were a young boy who desired a sheep.
Then, your parents actually bought you one.
- Mm-hmm. - Like, bought you a full-on live sheep,
and now you think the poor thing
lived to a ripe old age on a farmstead.
- They sent photos. - I love it so much.
You had the childhood of, like, a Hungarian prince.
- Don't make it a class thing. - Are you kidding?
I had a dog too. Sheep aren't that expensive.
Really? What did Flossie eat?
Cook would give it our leftovers. (LAUGHING)
- What? - No, I didn't have a...
Flossie's assistant gave it hay and flowers. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I was a little worried when Ned asked to come along,
it meant he didn't trust me or something,
but he's actually been really fun.
Uh, Oscar, do you have the order number for...
"Asshat" is just such an unforgivably stupid word.
- "Unforgivably"? Another adverb. - OK, well,
it's a vile thing to call someone. - Dude, you gotta move on, OK?
Oh, no, no, no. I think it's funny. That's where I'm coming from.
But all I'm saying is how... how stupid it is.
Because, what? So in this scenario, what?
I'm a little hat worn by an ass?
An ass wears a hat? (GROANS)
Or am I an ass-shaped hat? What?
-(LAUGHS) Do you see what I'm saying? -Mm-hmm. -I... You just...
I wanna find them. I wanna find them and...
and grab them and just...
..explain to them how funny it is,
the whole scenario, how amusing it is to me.
That's all. Because you can't...
But you can't because it's computers and it's internet,
so you can't tell them cos you can't find them cos there's no way...
- You could track down their IP address. - IP address?
- Yeah, it's traceable. - I can track them?
No, no, no, Oscar. Look at me, dude.
Revenge is a very dark road
and it can be surprisingly expensive. - What road?
We're chatting and I'm chatting, and that's it. But thank you.
- I appreciate it. - OK, but if you do wanna go down this road,
you'd call IT, and the number is 3-2-7-1.
Thank you, Adam. I'll just take it. Just...
Thank you.
I never told you to rent an ice cream truck.
I don't know if I've ever even spoken to you.
The important thing is Marv thinks it was your idea,
so we are where we are. - But... - Does this ring a bell?
"Dear Ken, my name is Nicole Lee. I would like to shadow you."
I wrote that two years ago and you never responded.
This is me responding. Welcome aboard.
You are Joe Radlingshaffer,
host of WNWO's Afternoon Delights.
- Mr Davies. - Hmm! - What is your response
and Softee's response to the sewer crisis? - Mm-hmm.
Hello, Madame Radlingshaffer.
What? What is that face for?
- You just... seem weird. - Uh-huh.
I think we need you to come across in a more relatable way.
- Shall I lose my tie? - Mm!
- No, I don't think that's gonna get you there. - Damn it.
I know what Ken's doing. He needs a scapegoat.
But guess what? Goats climb fast.
Hey, um, Detrick was gonna read over
our interview questions out loud so we could go over 'em.
- Oh, cool. - Uh-huh.
But we don't need to go over 'em. I bet they're great.
Thanks. (PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE BEEPS) Mare Pritti.
'Mare, hi. Bethany DeAdona. I write for Cleveland Today Magazine.
I read your piece about the Toledo sewer clog.
Really impressive work.'
That's... Wow.
- Thank you so much. - 'So, I'm interested
in journalistic independence from corporate ownership.
- Do you have a few minutes to talk?' - Yeah, sure.
'Really fantastic reporting, by the way.'
I mean, thank you for the kind words. That's...
'You deserve them. It must have been really stressful
to stand up to corporate like that.'
- Yeah, it was stressful to, um, stand up... - Cup?
(whispers) No, I don't. To stand up to, uh,
corporate like that. Um... - (whispers) Can I use this?
And, uh, I...
- 'Are you there?' - You know what? Bethany,
could I put you on the briefest of holds?
'Sure, no problem.'
Thank you so much. (PHONE BEEPS)
- What are you doing? - I'm just... I got a system.
- Just smush it. - I'm not gonna smush it. I have a system.
- Just smush it. - It's humane.
- Can you just please be quiet? - Sure.
- This is good, right? - Yeah, it's fantastic.
OK, so... Thank you. OK. (PHONE BEEPS)
Thank you, Bethany. I'm here, and I have a couple of minutes for sure.
'Great. So I just wanted to get some more details.
You had to weigh the public good against Enervate's interests.'
You know, I... (GRUNTS)
- 'And you held your own owners accountable.' - Mm-hmm.
'Yeah, that's the first thing that comes to mind.'
That is what I was thinking about when I started the article.
- (whispers) Is it on me? - 'It takes a lot of courage
to write an article like that. I'm having trouble hearing you.'
(mouthing) Roll the window!
I know. I'm sure it's hard to hear me.
- 'Hello?' - Yes. - 'Great, whenever you're ready.'
(YELPING) 'Is everything OK?'
No, I'm just so excited about... Woo-hoo!
..the article. This is... Yeah, it's really good.
(GROANING) You know what? I'm just gonna move you off speaker.
- Is it on me? - Sorry.
- Is it on me? - I'm visiting my grandfather right now.
Barry, I was in the mail room,
and I found this box with your name on it.
It's very small, but I wonder what it is.
I'm so curious.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
I'm trying to be rational and practical
about this Barry situation.
Of course, I sprinkled salt on my doorstep
and on my window sills.
That did nothing.
Now, my psychic told me that there is another method
that is scientifically proven
that is going to break the incubus.
- Oh, wow. That looks nice. - What the hell?
I think you should wear it for seven days and seven nights
without showering and then bury it under a red rock with a full moon.
(SNIFFS, GRUNTS) Garlic. Yuck.
No, thanks.
(SIGHS)
(CHAIR CLATTERS)
What do you mean, "even psychics can be wrong"?
What the hell? I give you 900 dollars for the amulet, OK?
I want my money back.
(GASPS)
Oh, you see him coming around?
Wow, you're positive?
Oh, because he's shy!
I know. No, I know sometimes I can be intimidating.
I will give him another chance for sure. OK, sí.
Yes, yes. I will wire you 100 for the call.
Thank you so much. Ta-ta.
(SIGHING) Mm. (PHONE BEEPS OFF)
'And what about the conflict of interest?
Is it true your editor-in-chief is a former Softees employee?'
Yes, Ned Sampson. He was super heroic.
He, uh, stood up to corporate and gave me full latitude
to report as I saw fit. - 'Good for him.
What's his journalistic philosophy and background?'
Yeah, you know, he has a lot of principles,
wonderful principles, but he's not, like,
weighed down by experience. You know?
But he trusts his reporters, and that's why he's great.
He knows when to get out of the way.
'Sounds like a dream.' (CHUCKLES)
- 'He's really that hands-off?' - Oh, my God, beyond.
Yeah, very hands-off.
I think in this story, the readers read it before he did.
'Wow. Mare, I'll update you when we publish.'
- OK, great. - 'Thanks so much for this.'
(PHONE BEEPS OFF) Bethany? Yeah...
That went great.
Oh, my God.
It's my first time being on the other side.
Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES, SIGHS)
Great... (GASPS)
Jesus. Is that the spider?
- It's a raisin. - Oh.
Yeah, I think my dad took me to a pencil sharpener museum around here.
Hey, are those your interview questions?
- Mm-hmm. - I can read through 'em now that we're stationary.
Oh. Thought you didn't need to look them over.
Oh. Well, we have time now, so...
Uh-huh.
Hey, I hope I didn't say anything weird in the car.
- Oh! To the reporter? - Yeah. - No, no, no, no. That was great.
- Cos I wasn't trying to make it sound like you... - No, no, no.
- You're finally getting your due. I'm so happy. - OK.
Eh... I don't believe in the exposed knee.
Back home, we would call these the schoolmaster's delight.
I swore off them for a reason.
You look like the American half of a Ninety-Day Fiancée.
- Should I do an American accent? - I would like to hear that.
(in American accent) I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese.
- I can do it better. - Pretty good.
- Quarter. - Quar-derr.
- Quar-ter. - Get me a quarter pounder
with cheese for my mom.
- Perfect. - No notes.
- You pick that up so fast. - I tell you what,
if you play your cards right,
you could be my new work wife.
Oh, I've stunned her.
Poor girl.
- OK... - This is it? - Yeah.
Great.
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry. You're gonna have to stay back.
The cult dude is kind of secretive in an on-brand way.
Alleged cult dude.
Alright.
- Hi there. - Hey.
- Shalom. - Shalom? - I don't know.
Well, I found out who the troll is.
- No. - You did not.
I spoke to IT. I thought you guys might be curious,
given that it's someone in the building. - What? - What's that?
But since you're not, I won't tell you who she is.
- She?! - Hold up. Gomudhens10 is a woman?
Yeah?
I mean, psh, of course it could be a woman.
- Anything could be a woman. - Alright, come on. Who is it?
(GROANS) I... I want to...
I'm at my limit with this coyness, Oscar. Just tell us who it is.
OK. The IP address Gomudhens10
can be traced to Suite 812,
- Anne Putnam's office. - Oh, my stars.
- Marv's assistant. - There's no way.
Anne calls my kids cherubs. Even Wayne, the worst one.
- She's beautiful. - She's just like a sweet lady.
Mm, I don't know. She once thanked me to take my feet off my own desk.
Why would someone Anne's age use words like "lame-sauce" or "noob"?
No, doesn't make any sense.
It makes perfect sense.
I see it often in people over 50.
They get trapped in the year that they join Facebook.
It's... It's as if the technology sends their brain into shock
and their online personalities get frozen in time.
So Anne is basically a snarky millennial
trapped in the body of a boomer.
Well, they can't all be cults.
What are you talking about?
You heard what Father Joshua said.
- They're just a farm of friends. - I'm sor...
- I know you don't believe that. - Where's your proof?
- I couldn't get any proof. - Exactly. You couldn't get any...
Because any time I tried to ask a hard question,
you got awkward and complimented a pumpkin.
- They were legitimately huge. - Jesus Christ.
And you're not gonna get anywhere from insulting people.
- Well, we didn't get anywhere anyway, did we? - Well...
At least you can tell your neighbour her son is safe.
They said he was selling zucchini in Canada?
Yeah. (SCOFFS)
Sounds like he's really rising through the ranks. It's great.
I cannot tell if you're being serious.
(TYRE SQUEALS, RUMBLES) Shit.
What's that? Is there something stuck to the tyre?
Yeah. Probably a piece of gum.
(GRUNTS)
-You sure you don't want to call AAA? -I got it.
Well, your skills are very impressive.
(WRENCH CLANKS)
I'm just saying, I have AAA Gold.
Unlimited roadside assistance. (GRUNTS)
Hotel discounts, double points at Embassy Suites...
- OK, can you just let me do this? - Sorry for trying to help.
Are you trying to help or are you just sitting there?
I'll help. Give me the steel thing.
Do you actually know how to use one of these?
I can learn. If there's reception.
Steel... L-bar, car.
"You should use more water displacement
four-zero penetrating oil."
You mean WD-40?
- Mm-hmm. - No. - You know what?
- I think I saw some down there. - Mm-hmm?
- With a bunch more reception. - No. Are you...?
Oh, real nice. You're gonna have to go get that.
Are you kidding me?
I... Go and get the... Go and get the tyre, Mare.
(SNIFFS) Mare,
as your editor, I command you... Goddamn it!
(SIGHS) Watching him run is... tough.
I hate these clothes! Is this the best look we have?
- Yes! - Oh, no!
- Yeah! - Really? - Yeah! - Oh, my God.
-Do you have the polo and the shorts? -Shoot, I left them at the office.
(SCREECHES) You said you wanted to look more rustic.
In the heat of the moment, I said that.
You have to push back on that.
- That's the job of an intern. - We're on in five, guys.
- Thanks. - Thank you.
I'm dead. I'm gonna lose the lot.
My respect, my visa.
- Up in smoke. - You know what, Ken? You know...
(SIGHS) Go on.
I'll do it.
I'll... I'll go ahead and do the interview for you.
- Seriously? - Yeah. - You'll take the heat? - Sure.
Do you know what? When I decided to pin all of the blame on you,
that was completely at random.
But now I see everything happens for a reason.
- Yep. - Mm-hm. You good?
- Just... nervous. - Oh, I was nervous a minute ago.
- Yeah. - Do you want a hat?
- No, I'm OK. - There we are. Look at that.
"Just licky it."
- Wish me luck. - I'm worried for you.
Yeah.
Oy-oy. Good luck.
We were trying to make a product to help men and kids stay clean.
But we failed you, Toledo.
And we hope you give us the chance to make it up to you.
- Thank you, Nicole Lee. - And thank you, Toledo,
for trusting us with your tushies.
(CHUCKLES) Tushies.
Great job, Nicole.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Marv's busy. He's watching TV.
Actually, we're here to see you.
Me? Oh, gosh, oh. Wish I'd worn my good brooch.
- What about? - About this.
Oh, OK. Well, let me take a look at what this is.
How you doing there, Detrick? How are your nieces?
Oh, um, they're really good. Layla just started dancing.
- Now Allison, she's blowing glass... - Dedrick.
Just read the file, Anne.
Or should I say, Gomudhens10?
Yeah. Epic fail, Anne.
Oh, my God. Who could write this awfulness?
Who could write this? The world is a sick place, isn't it?
- Isn't it, you poor kids? - Come on, Anne.
- You wrote such awfulness. - No, Oscar.
No, I swear to you, I had nothing to do with this.
We traced your IP address! It's you!
We know it's you. You know it's you, and you should be ashamed.
Well, you don't gotta yell at her, dude. Chill.
- Well, OK. - Oh, dear.
Marv was right. Marv was right.
He told me that I should set a password.
And I always said, "Well, Marv, what for?
I haven't had a secret since I was 30."
And... And he was...
He was right.
I mean, I'm up and down from my desk all day long,
running errands for Marv, and anybody could just sneak in here,
and they could do whatever they wanted with my computer.
- I mean, they could do porn. - Yeah.
Oh, God.
They shouldn't even give these to old fools like me.
No. You're not old. You're a little old, but...
Look, I didn't even think of that as a possibility, OK?
And so maybe we should not have ambushed you.
- Maybe we should have... - We're really, really sorry.
No, no, I am sorry.
No, no, no. I feel partially responsible.
We apologise to you, OK?
And, uh, we apologise, and that's a beautiful brooch.
- Yeah. Very beautiful. - He's my boss.
- I feel terrible. - Don't beat yourself up.
(VOICES OVERLAPPING) (SIGHS)
I do think that whoever that troll is,
that they just want to hold the Truth Teller
to a high standard of quality, that's all.
Marv invests a lot of money in that paper.
So we've got to make sure that it's awesome sauce.
- We're sharing? - No.
This is for you. (SCOFFS)
You earned a treat because of the tyre change.
Unfortunately, I didn't, because apparently I messed up the interview.
- Oh, my God. - So there's just only one float.
I don't want you to watch me eat a float, you weird martyr.
I didn't earn it.
- Take a sip of the float. - I'm not drinking the float.
-Take a tiny little sip of the float. -You take a sip of the float.
It'd mean a lot to me if you take a tiny sip of the float.
- I didn't earn it. - Have a sip of the float.
- You have to earn a treat. - Put your tiny little lips
around that straw and have a little bit of the float.
- No, thanks. - Oh, my God. What is wrong with you today?
Why are you needing to be Mr Boss everywhere we go?
I don't need to be Mr Boss, OK?
- (GRUNTING) Because I am Mr Boss. - Jesus.
(WAITER CLEARS THROAT) - I'm so sorry. - Sorry.
He actually can be as loud as he wants because he's Mr Boss, so...
Are you ever gonna take me seriously as an editor?
(SCOFFS) I-I-I'm not confused about
how weird it is that I have this job,
but I have it, so I'm not just gonna let you do
whatever you want to do all the time. I'm sorry.
- Because you don't trust me. - I do trust you.
- I made you editor when I resigned. - Oh, my God, for two hours.
It's very clear you think I'm dumber than you.
-I don't think you're dumber than me. -Yes, you do.
"Oh, Mare, wow, you're so impressive with your manual labour."
- "Oh, Ned, you're so hands-off." - Wanna know what I think is dumb?
- What? - A person who takes squash from a full-on Manson family. OK?
- We couldn't prove it. - They wore matching ponchos!
(SIGHS)
Mare, could you give me the receipt, please?
I don't want it to disappear in the recycling bin you call a car.
Yeah, sorry, my car doesn't come with a maid. Dick.
Hello?
What?
That's... What nominations?
Uh... OK, no, wait.
I'm gonna put you on speaker for Mare. Say that again.
- Hi. - DETRICK: 'Oh, good.
You didn't join the cult.
Yeah, the nominations in the Ohio Journalism Awards came through.
And Mare, you got nominated for the best short investigative piece
for Softees Clogs Toledo.' - No.
'Ned, there's more. The whole paper's up
for overall excellence in journalism. The whole paper!
So start writing a speech. Don't forget to thank me.'
Um, I-I won't. Thank you so much. Peace.
I mean, uh, bye.
Oh, my God, it's true. Holy shit.
This is incredible. What's...
Oh, my God!
(LAUGHS) (WHOOPING)
Yes! (WHOOPING CONTINUES)
(UPBEAT THEME PLAYING)
(BARRY GROANING)
(ESMERALDA SIGHS)
You have been kissen on the 17th day of the month.
I command you to forsake me.
Set me free, set me free, set me free.
(SIGHS) The spell is broken.
(SIGHS) OK, fine.
(UPBEAT THEME PLAYING)