Print is permanent, OK?
It's like true love. That's why my first issue here is such a big deal.
- OK. - Hey. - Oh! That was fast.
Just got a few things and threw them around.
- Hey, where did you get that? - Oh! Good eye.
This is a 1926 Underwood Standard Portable
that once belonged- - I meant the coffee.
- Where is there a Birch Brothers? - Just by me.
Do they offer you a nerd discount if you mention your vintage typewriter?
- A modest one. Yes. - Sure.
- Hey. - Hey. - How is your new digs?
Oh, they're amazing.
Fit for a king. Ahem.
Just fine. Is everything OK?
- Everything is great! - OK.
- I have my couch, my desk. - Uh-huh.
Everything I need, and so close together now.
- That is good. - Yeah.
- Do you mind if I come in for a second? - Oh, please.
- Just here? - Yeah, yeah. - Thanks.
So, um, I couldn't, uh, help, uh, but notice that yesterday...
..there was a little tension.
But I'd like to be friends, if we can.
So would I. I mean, I...I would love to be friends with you. Oh!
That makes me so happy.
- Well, we're about to have my first staff meeting, if you... - Oh, wow.
I might skip it.
Because they are like children,
and I think it would be a trauma for them
o see two mommies at once, right?
But you can catch me up later, maybe for lunch.
- OK. Yes, let's do that! Let's do lunch. - OK.
- Fantastic. - Fantastic.
- See ya, friend. - Ah! - Whoa!
Hello, welcome. Thank you for being here. Thank you for coming.
Hello. Alright.
Uh...
- Do you wanna join? - Um...
I...
OK. Welcome, volunteer print journalists,
to your first staff meeting as reporters
for the Toledo Truth Teller.
This is great. This is great.
I, uh... I brought a few questions.
How many of you have written for a paper before?
Uh-huh. Anyone else?
I'm an accountant.
I don't know if my computer even has any word processing software.
It can be any kind of paper. It can be a high-school paper.
Junior-high-school paper.
I wrote a paper in junior high.
Not quite the same thing.
- I've tweeted. - You've tweeted. - I'm in a group text.
I'm gonna... Barry, I mean, you...
you currently work as a reporter.
- Right? So that's... - Oh, yes. Yes.
I'm a reporter for the Toledo Truth Teller, Ohio.
Great. This?
This is terrific.
Alright. Uh...
You know what, I thought that you could get to know me
by checking out three of my favourite ever issues
of this beautiful, historic paper. - Oh!
"Shepard Orbits The Earth!"
- "Doctor Salk Cures Polio." - That's good news.
- "Victory in Europe!" - Mystery solved.
- Huh? - I don't think we take framed antiques off the wall, do we?
What were you gonna do, auction them off?
- No. - No? - No. - I nearly called the authorities.
- I nearly searched people's desks. - I'll put them back once we're done.
Said the fox to the farmer. No, no, Ned. I'll put them back.
Thank you.
And I may electrify them.
Or indeed electrify one, and you won't know which.
You know what? I think...
I think we'll leave it there for today.
Do they have more to learn than I originally thought
before they can replace our AP wire? Maybe.
But do you know who absorbs information even quicker
than anyone else on the planet?
Babies. Because they don't have any competing...
anything.
It's just blank, like the faces in that room.
- First issue, here we come! - Let's do it!
Whoa, easy there.
Hey, can I have, uh... can I have some of this?
- Uh, yeah. Sure, dive in. - Yeah? Looks good.
That popcorn was a gift to Maria,
who had my desk before me, from Enrique, who used to work in sales.
They have two kids now.
Oh, ooh, the...the, uh... the Senate vote.
Ooh, yeah.
Huh.
Um, there's no wire service.
What?
Yeah. Screw you, that's not a valid password.
I know my dog's birthday.
- Try again. - No. Look.
CNN, Bloomberg, AP, New York Times, no access.
Anytime I click it, it just says "Subscribe today".
- Hey, Ned. - Hey.
For our lunch, um, do you like shellfish?
Or are you more a sausage boy?
- I'm a little distracted. Uh, the wire's not working. - Yeah.
That was supposed to be a surprise.
But, uh, yes, I cancelled it.
You cut the wi...? You cut the wire?
Yes. From my little office.
You were so inspiring this morning.
I thought, we can do this.
We can write stories using our own imagination.
- And Marv is so happy. - No.
This is a huge problem, Esmeralda.
Oh, he's worried he won't get credit.
- I gave you credit, duh! - No. No, no.
We need to find stories to send to print today,
so that we can have a newspaper come out tomorrow.
It's my first issue, come on!
Why are you so anal? You will inspire something.
And I can't wait to read it.
See you at lunch.
What's the deadline at the printing company?
Six o'clock.
Pacific?
Meeting resumed! Everyone back in the conference room, right now!
Meeting resumed. Same group as before.
After you all walked out earlier, I was, like, "You know what?
"What am I doing? These guys are ready.
"They don't need training. They just need assignments, right now!"
- Let's go! - Yes!
- You can still use that. - Uh, is everything OK?
Because your face is sweating and your neck is turning red.
Yeah, thank you. That's... No, that's good observing.
Any ideas at all, let's go.
I saw a beautiful woman...
driving a bus.
That's an interesting thought. I think that perhaps
we need something longer. It was good.
I couldn't find a parking space at the dog park today.
That's the most boring thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
- Eat an ass, Travis. - OK. Anything else?
Uh, we could do a countdown to the McRib coming back.
Oh, I like that.
What? It'll pressure them. It's a good idea.
Yeah, it's an amazing idea, for the dumb ideas section.
- Do we have a dumb ideas section? - Not yet.
We don't have a dumb ideas section.
Why don't we do a story about a local accountant
who gets her car all keyed up by me tonight?
Uh, how about local everybody sick of fat guy
talking about his drone all the time? - That's not cool.
- You're right. Sorry. - I think we should keep on track here, OK?
There has to be an app that tells you
what's going on around town, right? - Yes, yes!
- Everyone, on your phones. Technology will save us. - Neighbour.
- Citizen. - Nextdoor? - What's Citizen?
It shows you all the crime in your area,
kinda like Pokémon Go, but for muggings.
Oh, sh... I love Pokémon Go.
There's a man with a machete two blocks away from here.
- Wait, I gotta create an account? - Uh... - Ooh.
OK, Waze says there's a burst water main on Central and North Reynolds.
That's a nasty intersection. If you're ever in Toledo, avoid it.
That's fantastic. You wanna go there now,
and get some quotes from some city workers, or something?
- On it. - Oh, no, Barry.
- I was talking to Mare. - I'll look into flights. - Both of you go.
That's good. Get him out of the office. Great combo.
No, we don't need to book a flight.
that parking thing you were talking about.
Go and see if anyone else has noticed. And try to get quotes.
- Remember the five W's. - Is that a gang?
No. It's, uh, who, what, when, where, why.
It's what they teach you in journalism school.
So, not a gang.
I don't know if this is anything,
but they changed the fishing limit at the Wildwood Preserve.
-A law changed? -Yeah. -That's great. When were you gonna mention that?
I assumed everyone knew. It's on Fishchat.
Uh, did you get anything?
No. I created an account. Now it says I need a minimum balance.
- Why don't you go with Travis. - OK.
- I don't need this anymore? - No.
Alright, so that's... that's three stories.
What about a letter from the new guy at the paper?
Fantastic idea! Yes! A letter from me, the new editor!
And what you can do is you can get... You can... What can you do?
Why don't you do the general crime scour? You're on crime app watch.
OK.
Seven highly motivated, tenacious Buckeyes are out there right now,
hunting for news.
You'd be a fool to bet against that.
Hey, how much would it cost for one day of wire service?
That's outrageous.
Hey, hey! Go! Go!
Drive safe!
How much water you think will be in the street?
Oh, God.
What a thing for a child to have to see.
Check your dingers for syphilis, kid.
If you don't know what that means, ask your Grandma.
Ugh, you know what? I wish I brought my waders.
Waders, water main, syphilis.
Listen, you're making me need to pee. Pull over. Quick.
Thanks. Come on, Barry. It's time to go.
I just hope I have half of Barry's energy and brains when I'm 150.
Argh!
- Agh! - Oh, my God. - Barry?
Ah, Jiminy Crickets.
Hey.
- Did you find anything? - Well, uh, I'm a single woman living alone.
- OK. - Yeah, so I can't do this.
I can't go and look for crime in the city
because I need my bubble of ignorance. I like my bubble.
I understand. We're just on a teeny-weeny bit
of a time-pressure situation here.
Right. So let's just switch assignments.
You want to write my letter from the editor?
Sure.
Uh, so here is the number for the police department,
fire department, morgue, and poison control.
- Truth Teller? - "Hey."
We got a problem. Um...Barry stepped on a crate and cut up his leg.
- I had to call an ambulance. - I'm dying.
No, you're not dying. Also I should probably have your cell phone number
because Esmeralda listens on this line.
"TTT, Truth Teller?
- "You picked up already." - Can you still get to the water-main break?
- What? - Yeah. No, no. I know. Yeah, he made me promise to ride with him.
OK, well, I mean...
could the ambulance swing by the water main break
on the...on the way to the hospital? - We don't have time for a pit stop.
OK. Well, get Barry settled and then check back in, OK?
Keep your eyes open at the hospital. Ask what's new.
- Yeah. For sure. - Agh!
OK.
I've got five W's already.
- Help you guys? - Yeah.
We're reporters, local ones.
From local, here, Toledo.
This is my reporter pad and, um...
Half the parking spaces for the dog-owning public
are being occupied by you guys,
the, uh, department in the Parks Department.
So what do you have to say about that?
Well, the spaces are for employees for us to unload our equipment.
There's a sign right around there.
But there are plenty of spots out on the street.
I'm not buying any of this shit.
You can answer questions here, or down at the station.
I gotta get back to work.
OK. Thank you... for your service, sir.
We make a good team.
How many broken windows, officer?
That seems very low.
Well, let me ask you this, would you say that the lower crime rate
could be the result of increased police brutality?
Hello?
- Did you set everything up? - Yeah.
We meet with the Assistant Fish and Game Warden at one.
Sick, thanks, man.
- Oh, you stepping it up, I see. - Yeah.
I just want to look polished, you know?
- I like it. Real professional. - Thanks, man.
- Ah. Mr Moore? - Yes.
- Assistant Fish and Game Warden Brewster, right? - Travis?
- Hello, Harper. How are you? - You know you're not supposed to be here.
I'm here in my official capacity as a reporter.
OK? Not your ex-boyfriend.
You have to respect me as a member of the press. Alright?
The first amendment compels you.
- Everything OK, here? - What's up, Gary. - I'm with Gary now, Travis.
I'm just here to ask you guys some questions about fish. That's it.
I warned you what would happen. Now I have to tune you up.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold a second, Gary!
OK, look, we're here as reporters. We got one question and we'll leave.
OK, yeah.
Has the bluegill limit in the Lake Erie District changed recently?
You know that it has. What are we doing?
- That's great. - That's one question, we're done.
That was a setup question, Gary. I obviously need to ask a follow-up.
- Go, yes! - Thank you. Follow-up. Harper...
is there any part of you that still loves me?
- Dude, I warned you! - Follow-up to that.
This is the guy that you chose? Are you kidding me?
- Get out! - Yeah. - GARY: Get out now.
Ow! Ow! Ow! My foot! Ow!
I thank you for your patience.
What?
- Hey. - Hey. - Hi. - Hi.
Is Ned, uh, making you do this?
- Well, he's letting me. - Yeah. - Oh. Right.
OK, um, I have a big emergency.
- Oh. - I need you to...to...to...
defrost the freezer right now, immediately.
Well, can...can someone else?
I wish there was someone else I could trust with this.
But no one defrosts like you, Nicole.
You have these young, sturdy, strong wrists.
I mean, Nicole, the ice melts at the sound of your footsteps.
The freezer's probably fine.
But I like to take the path of least resistance with Esmeralda.
Sometimes I go limp from resisting so little.
Just slide right off my chair.
Well, if anything burns down in the next hour or two,
you have my number. Thanks.
Hey, hey. Is this the, uh...? Is this the morgue?
Hey, have any bodies come in in the last 24 hours?
No?
Well, could you check again?
I don't know, like check the back?
Yeah. Like... Like, in a drawer that's unlabelled, or something?
Something could've slipped through the cracks.
Please. You're not... OK.
You're not even trying. Could you check the back again?
If you look hard enough, I'm sure you'll find something.
- Hey, Mr Busy. - Uh-huh. Oh, hey.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm very excited for our lunch.
Oh, you know what, today's not a great day.
Could we do it next week?
- Well, yes. For sure. - Thanks.
No problem. It's just that today I had invited Marv.
And, uh, he wanted to make it a welcome lunch. So...
probably he's going to be a bit disappointed.
No, yeah. Yeah, let's do it. But just... Could we do it quick?
Allora. In Italy, we think that if a man eats quick,
he also finishes quick.
So, then, Marv says, yes.
The pen might be mightier than the sword.
But without paper, what you gonna write on?
Oh, wow, classic.
- You alright, Ned? - Yeah.
I'm just enjoying the lunch. Enjoying the long lunch.
Oh, well, I hope I didn't slow things down.
I know that sometimes I can be a little picky.
I've never seen a piece of fish get sent back that many times.
But...it became interesting.
And asking to have the head put back on the Branzino
was perfectly reasonable, I thought.
- You know, I should go. I... Yeah. - No.
- Esmeralda said you were staying for cigars. - Oh, yes.
- Down, boy. - I don't, really- - Have a cigar, mate.
Marv, you don't know what he has planned.
I mean, it's galactic.
Only local news. That's why he cut the wire.
He is a visionary.
They're called balls. They used to be standard equipment.
Pardon me.
It's OK, I have them too.
I'm gonna... Could I take this?
- Go ahead. - Fantastic.
- Thank you so much. - It should be off.
Hello?
"Is this the reporter who called before?"
Uh, yes. Yeah.
- "OK, here's something for you." - Mm-hmm.
"Someone called in bragging about a murder,
"taunting us to find the body."
Oh, my God. What, like a... like a serial killer?
"We can't go that far. At this moment,
"it just amounts to a threatening creep."
But it could be a serial killer, right?
- This is fantastic! - "What?"
This is awful.
Have you come up with a catchy nickname for this creep yet, or...?
"I'll call you back when we find out more."
Alright, thank you. Thank you.
Whoo!
Uh, hey, guys. I'm terribly sorry, I'm gonna have to shoot off.
But I wanna say thank you for the cupcake, and for the record, Marv,
I think my first issue is gonna be pretty sweet.
Alright, kid.
Did you see the way he ate his cupcake?
- Visionary. - Mm. Yeah.
Excuse me. Can I have a doggy bag, please?
Hey, you. You're young.
You know the cool things happening around, right?
Is there anything new in the way of like, skating, tagging, drugging?
-We're journalists, looking for a story. -Tell us what we wanna know.
- How much you paying? - Nothing. We're not even getting paid.
- Just answer the question. - OK, I see how it is.
Well, the new thing around here is, uh, Dogging, right, Ell?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Dogging.
- Everybody's doing it. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I've never heard of that. What is it?
It's when regular teens like us just get together and act like dogs.
Like this.
Are you being for real? Come on.
- Ah-woo! - That's kind of interesting.
- Oh, hey! Hey. - Hey.
We've... We've got something really big!
- We've got something huge. - OK.
Sorry, it's just...
You were the first person I wanted... It's good news.
That's great. What is it?
There is a serial killer loose in town.
- Oh, God. - Obviously, it's terrible,
but if it was gonna happen any day of the year,
this is a good day for it to happen. - No, it's good. It's great.
- OK. - Good news.
Um, it looks like we got something.
That's a nice feeling.
- How'd it go? - Good. I mean, Gary Gladstone was selling his boat,
so I sold him a two-column classified ad for every day
until it sells. But it'll probably go quick.
Oh! And Travis got arrested. So there's no story.
- Yeah. - Well...
- I mean, an ad's always nice. - Yep.
And they call it Dogging.
- "Slipping into a more..." - "A more canine way of being."
"And the itch they're getting isn't from fleas."
- Heh. "In most cases." - Ha ha! Yeah, that's good.
Um, just out of curiosity, did you guys get any quotes?
What would the quote be? "Woof?"
What?
Hey!
- You're welcome. - Thank you so much. - Yes!
I checked with the principals of two local high schools.
None of this is real.
Here's what Esmeralda left me.
"Dear Toledo, my name is Ned Sampson.
"And I'm honoured to be the new Editor-in-Chief
"of The Truth Teller."
"Yesterday, I took over The Truth Teller because I felt like it."
"And I would never say I stole this job from a woman."
"I just want to extend my thanks to my predecessor..."
"..Esmeralda Grand."
"Esmeralda did the greatest job at the paper
"while also being a single mother.
"Although, you would never know, because her body is insane."
And it goes on like that for a while.
Nothing?
I got sidetracked, by the freezer.
OK. It's OK, the killer will save us.
Oh, my God, it's a coded letter from the killer.
Oh, no, sudoku.
I don't, uh... I don't know if this is a trick.
It's probably copyrighted,
or a series of numbers that causes a seizure, but...
hey, the New York Times would've shut down without Wordle.
Great.
Hey. Yes, that's me. Hold on. Mare?
Mare! It's the... It's the police, they've got more info.
Hey, Nicole, you wanna come in here, maybe take some notes?
I think my letter from the editor is about to get a lot more juicy.
Hang on.
Alright. We're ready.
"OK, so here's what I know.
"We suspect a murderer because of a tip from the morgue."
- OK. - "This creep called in,
"claiming there was an undiscovered body." - Oh, my God, what did he say?
"He asked them to look in every drawer like he had hidden a body
"and was waiting for them to find it."
Oh.
"The morgue worker described his voice
"as really breathy and insistent."
- Oh, no. - "They tape incoming calls.
- "This is what it sounded like." - Mm.
"Hey. Is this the morgue?"
Hey, um, that doesn't sound too bad to me.
Maybe let me know if he calls back.
Thanks.
I don't think this story is gonna pan out.
'It's 5:38.'
Don't know what we're gonna print.
Oh, you know what? I think I'll type up the train schedules,
just to be safe. Sorry.
"Hi, Toledo. My name is Ned. I'm the new editor here.
"There's an old saying that 'no news is good news.'
"It's not something you'd usually hear
"from the new editor-in-chief of the town newspaper."
It's like having homework every day, forever,
until the paper fails and I lose my job.
- Ah. - Whoo!
"And to be honest, it wasn't what I was planning on writing to you all,
"in this, the very first printing of the revived Toledo Truth Teller."
"However, as I sit here typing these words,
"I think that today's events,
"or to reiterate, the lack thereof, were actually a gift."
"A slow news day is a sign that your city is filled with safe,
"kind people who treasure their community."
Did you get my text?
I made it! Heh! It's in today's paper.
Well, is it too easy? Is it too hard?
What do you think? Huh?
Maybe too easy for you, Stanley!
"So, we're not gonna drum up salacious headlines
"just to get your hard-earned cash.
"We're gonna print what really matters to you.
"And I'm not gonna ramble to fill space.
"If I wanted to do that, I would just talk about Elmore Leonard,
"and one of his great books set in the area,
"like 52 Pickup,
"where a Detroit businessman named Harry Mitchell
"finds out that he's being blackmailed by a trio of criminals
"who discovered that Harry was having an affair
"with an exotic dancer."
You know what? I read an article you wrote.
About the first time the astronauts drove on the moon.
- It was so good. - Yeah.
'71.
"Astronauts tour beautiful valley in first lunar motor trip."
Hmm.
"When the crooks try to frame Harry for her murder,
"instead of paying them off, Harry decides to get even.
"It's vintage Leonard, with a taut prose style
"and well-placed plotting that keeps you turning every page.
"It was published in 1974 by Phoenix Paperbacks.
"ISBN 9-7-7-8-0-7-5-3-8-1-9-6-2-3."
"Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
Yikes.
Yeah. It wasn't perfect, but it was his first issue.
And it was all of our original work.
Except for the first three chapters of Get Shorty.
It wasn't even a review.
He just quoted his favourite novel without permission.
Woof! Woof! Woof!
Let's go! Let's go!
Uh, Jessie, let's go. We're leaving. Come on! Now!
That's rude.