1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,132
[audience cheering]

2
00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:11,011
[announcer] He is the king
of underground comedy,

3
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Dr. Katt Williams!

4
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,437
["Untitled 02 | 06.23.2014."
by Kendrick Lamar playing]

5
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["Peekaboo" by Kendrick Lamar playing]

6
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♪ If he hatin', disrespect
You better follow up with hands ♪

7
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♪ Losses to the neck
But now I'm trophied up, I'm sayin' ♪

8
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♪ "Bing-bap-boom-boom-boom-bap-bam" ♪

9
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♪ The type of shit I'm on
You wouldn't understand ♪

10
00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:35,702
♪ The type of skits I'm on
You wouldn't understand ♪

11
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♪ Big dawg business
I would not hold your hand ♪

12
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♪ What they talkin' about?
They ain't talkin' about nothin' ♪

13
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[audience cheering]

14
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♪ They ain't talkin' about nothin' ♪

15
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[music stops]

16
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First of all,
let me say thank you so much for this.

17
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:53,636
I appreciate this,
my whole motherfucking journey…

18
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[glass-shattering effect]

19
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My whole journey started

20
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South Florida,

21
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1995.

22
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:05,356
So the fact that this is where we are…

23
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Full circle, I appreciate this.

24
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This… This how I know

25
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:13,323
I'm the greatest comic living.

26
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[audience cheering]

27
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'Cause I got the best audience everywhere.

28
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-[cheering and applause]
-Some people…

29
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Some people have a couple of stars come.

30
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We have all the stars come out.
And tonight is no exception.

31
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It's dark in here.

32
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Y'all can't even see who in here.

33
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[audience laughing]

34
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You gonna be shocked.

35
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Where's all the white people?
Make some noise, white people.

36
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-[audience cheering]
-What?

37
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In this administration,

38
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still hanging with niggas.

39
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We appreciate that, white friends.

40
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You knew it was gonna be
diverse and equal and inclusive,

41
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,116
you came anyway.

42
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,575
Hm-hmm.

43
00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:00,078
Some of y'all are going to go
to heaven just for that.

44
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When you get up there,
it's gonna be on the checklist.

45
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"Did you hang with niggas?" Yup.

46
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Where's all the Hispanics in the building?
Where is mi familia?

47
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-[audience cheering]
-Buenas noches!

48
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I want y'all to know y'all are safe…

49
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:19,556
[audience laughing]

50
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,433
…in this building tonight.

51
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:26,771
There will be no ice
in this building of any kind.

52
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:30,191
Just the ice I'm wearing. That is it.

53
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,987
I told them,
"Don't even put ice in the drinks."

54
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I want everybody to feel comfortable.

55
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Last but not least,
the core of my very existence,

56
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where's all the Black people
in the building? Make some noise.

57
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[loud thudding
with glass-shattering effect]

58
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[audience cheering]

59
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Oh!

60
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,926
Battery in the back.

61
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And the most important creation
in all the known universe.

62
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Where's the ladies in the building?
Make some noise.

63
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,564
-[audience cheers]
-Oh!

64
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[exhales]

65
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:13,276
Yeah.

66
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:16,988
Y'all are the reason Florida is Florida.

67
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:21,868
Florida is known for orange juice
and great pussy.

68
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And orange juice gave up a long time ago

69
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,583
'cause the pussy's that good.

70
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Yeah. My new shit,

71
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giving credit,

72
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,341
not making people wait.

73
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:40,011
If you doing a great job going into 2026,

74
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,472
we gonna announce you doing a great job,

75
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:46,392
so that you know it,
and you can keep up the good work.

76
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:50,146
'Cause some of y'all doing great,
you don't even know you doing great.

77
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You don't even know.

78
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[woman] Come on!

79
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Ladies have been kicking ass

80
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all across the motherfucking globe,

81
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,948
and people ain't saying shit.

82
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Women have flipped the script.

83
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,994
["Let Her Cook" by GloRilla playing]

84
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♪ Let her cook, uh ♪

85
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♪ Let me cook ♪

86
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,919
♪ Never gave a damn
I ain't never gave no… ♪

87
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That's the good pussy dance.

88
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Women have been doing
a great job all across the globe.

89
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Not some women, all women.

90
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They handle certain shit.

91
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There's no such thing as a woman saying,

92
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"I don't have no eyelashes."

93
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["Let Her Cook" by GloRilla resumes]

94
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,396
♪ Let her cook ♪

95
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I don't give a fuck if she's starving
to death, she got lashes.

96
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,861
They might not even be the right species.

97
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,990
She got a mountain alpaca
and a desert llama together.

98
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,866
They don't even go together in nature.

99
00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:48,121
Women did that shit.

100
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:52,875
No group chats, no emails,
just one woman helping another woman.

101
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:56,254
Did you know that stinky pussy

102
00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,382
is a thing of the past?

103
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,050
["Let Her Cook" by GloRilla resumes]

104
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,802
♪ Let her cook, uh ♪

105
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:05,722
♪ Let me cook ♪

106
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,349
♪ Never gave a damn, I ain't never… ♪

107
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,311
You can waft it when it smells nice.

108
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:16,024
Twenty-five years ago,
stanky pussy was everywhere.

109
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:20,695
You couldn't walk down the street
without smelling tuna fish.

110
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,740
Not today.

111
00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:26,951
Women are fresh.

112
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No more stanky pussy.

113
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,751
There's a man in here right now

114
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:38,421
sitting with the last
stanky pussy in Florida.

115
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:42,216
He trying to get my attention.
I won't look at him.

116
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,926
["Let Her Cook" by GloRilla resumes]

117
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,887
♪ Let her cook, uh ♪

118
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,098
♪ Let me cook ♪

119
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,434
♪ Never gave a damn, I ain't never… ♪

120
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:52,602
[music fades out]

121
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:56,481
No, I'm just saying,

122
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:58,983
a lot of people doing a great job,
they don't even know it.

123
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,236
Watch this.

124
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:06,616
Where's everybody 35 and over?
Make some noise, 35 and over.

125
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:07,784
[audience cheering]

126
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,119
[loud thudding
with glass-shattering effect]

127
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:13,748
Y'all don't know how special y'all are.

128
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:18,044
100 years from now, they're gonna be
writing books about you motherfuckers.

129
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:21,964
How the fuck did y'all do this shit?

130
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:25,927
Did you know if you're 35 and over,
did you know that

131
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:30,348
you look better than anybody
who has ever been your age

132
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,226
in the history of humankind?

133
00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:35,311
-The fuck?
-[audience cheering]

134
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Y'all look good.

135
00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:41,692
You know you look good.

136
00:06:42,276 --> 00:06:44,779
Some of y'all grandmothers at 29, bitch.

137
00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:47,240
You know the fuck you look good.

138
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,951
"Your grandmama still got her baby hair?"

139
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,999
You 35 and over, you have done it.

140
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,419
You have already lived one life.

141
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:02,213
If it was a good life,
put it in the books.

142
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:09,011
If it was fucked up, put it behind you
and start all over again at 63, bitch.

143
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,973
You can do it.

144
00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:14,225
Here's the future.

145
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:18,438
Where's 35 and under?
Make some noise, 35 and under.

146
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,898
-[audience cheering]
-Yes, we love y'all.

147
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:22,859
Mm!

148
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,986
We are counting on y'all.

149
00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:29,615
All y'all gotta do is don't fuck up
like we just fucked up in front of you.

150
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:30,867
That's it.

151
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,079
Certain simple shit,
you don't even have to try.

152
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:40,877
Like, if you under 35,
you can't afford to do no drugs at all.

153
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:45,465
Just smoke weed.
It's the only thing you can trust.

154
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:50,928
You don't believe me? Easter and 4/20
was on the same day this year.

155
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:54,807
That's Jesus inviting me personally.

156
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,605
Weed is the only thing you can trust.

157
00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:03,608
Back in the day, they used to say
drugs was fun and dangerous.

158
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:09,030
Now they done took the fun the fuck out.
It's just "and dangerous."

159
00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:10,823
Can't do meth or molly.

160
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,284
It make your gums long
and your teeth short.

161
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:15,745
What the fuck you gonna do with that?

162
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:18,581
You can't even take selfies, bitch.

163
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,418
Can't do the fentanyl, you'll die.

164
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,545
Can't drink the lean.

165
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:27,340
It eat up your liver and your spleen

166
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,342
and your esophagus.

167
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:33,179
Look at my white friends.
"That is not your esophagus, Katt."

168
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:34,972
"You were doing so good."

169
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,727
Just saying
they know these drugs is too strong.

170
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,604
They just too strong.

171
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:47,109
They got a rapper that's 1000 pounds.
He addicted to lean.

172
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,863
♪ I can't put down the cup
I can't put down the cup ♪

173
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,949
-[music stops]
-[audience laughing]

174
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,370
He can't put down the cup, or the plate.

175
00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,664
Or the spoon, or the fork.

176
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:01,958
They too strong.

177
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,626
Speaking of too strong,

178
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:06,212
look at that stool.

179
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:08,089
[audience laughing]

180
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,967
The stool is like,
"You got to be shitting me."

181
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,720
"You gonna do
the whole song on me, nigga?"

182
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:19,141
Take it down before he make me pay
for his weight-loss treatments.

183
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:23,938
Just making a point.

184
00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:29,819
This next question, I'm gonna ask y'all,

185
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:34,156
is the most important question
in the whole universe.

186
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:39,287
I've been broke, and I've been rich.
This is the only thing that matters.

187
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,957
Make some noise
if you are relatively healthy right now.

188
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,709
If you got your health…

189
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:45,960
[audience cheering]

190
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,462
…if you got a God, you should thank him.

191
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,881
That's all that matters,

192
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,050
is your motherfucking health.

193
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,094
I don't give a fuck
you got a billion dollars.

194
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:58,514
If you are throwing up
and shitting at the same time,

195
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,391
you are broke, bitch.

196
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:01,934
[imitates retching]

197
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:03,644
Yeah.

198
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,689
Your health is what motherfucking matters.

199
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:10,776
And it don't take nothing
for that motherfucker to leave.

200
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,029
I thought I was stronger
than a motherfucker.

201
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:17,033
I found out
I'm not even a little bit strong.

202
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,328
I got hit by two

203
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,455
kidney stones.

204
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,167
You know about a kidney stone?

205
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,711
That motherfucker is a crippler.

206
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,505
I didn't know
what the fuck happened to me.

207
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:35,176
I was asleep
and woke up to two kidney stones.

208
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,678
Both my legs shut off.

209
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:41,682
I was just at the end of the bed,
shaped like a pretzel,

210
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,894
saying, "Not in my pajamas, Jesus!"

211
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:46,312
[audience laughing]

212
00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:51,108
I didn't know what to tell the doctor.
I think I peed two firecrackers.

213
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,610
[laughter]

214
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,863
Take care of your motherfucking health.

215
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,615
Speaking of health,

216
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,702
whoever been naming these new medications,

217
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:04,372
you are kicking ass.

218
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:09,251
Keep up the good work.
It's good for white people and niggas.

219
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:13,214
All of these new medications
sound like some shit you want to take.

220
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,927
My commercial, I heard Rinvokin.

221
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,763
I don't even know what that cures, bitch,

222
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,973
but I don't mind
ordering that at Walgreens.

223
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,184
"Where's my Rinvokin?"

224
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:30,189
Sound like something you named your penis.
"You ready for the Rinvokin?"

225
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,067
Hit it with the Horyuken.

226
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:39,281
All the names is cool.
The next one was Skyrizi.

227
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,201
Bitch, that's fly as shit.

228
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,080
That was my nickname
in middle school, "Sky Rizzy."

229
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,917
'Cause I would do
a skyhook and look at girls.

230
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,839
The best one is Tremfya.

231
00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:59,802
That was my nickname for hot pussy.
I love Tremfya.

232
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,054
She got that trim fire!

233
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,222
[audience laughing]

234
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,809
But even they drugs is too strong.

235
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:13,607
I told y'all three years ago,
Ozempic had Hollywood in a choke hold.

236
00:12:15,609 --> 00:12:17,278
I ain't lie.

237
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:22,116
Y'all seen Oprah?
She got the body of a 12-year-old boy.

238
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:26,287
She ain't never even been
a 12-year-old boy.

239
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,748
That shit is strong.

240
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,668
Gayle look like
she ain't had a bowel movement

241
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,463
since she came back from space.

242
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:38,257
Her and the wig look confused.

243
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,342
[audience laughing]

244
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:48,726
Lil Rel say he didn't even take Ozempic,
he just heard about it.

245
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,646
He went down to his baby weight.

246
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:56,400
He's what? Nine pounds, six ounces?

247
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,777
[laughter]

248
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,446
Nigga's built like a cricket now.

249
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,784
How did you lose weight
in your head, knees…

250
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:06,118
[laughter]

251
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,787
…shoulders, and toes?

252
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,830
Shoulders and toes.

253
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:16,086
Five years ago,
we talked about the side effect

254
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,215
being worse
than the shit they were curing.

255
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,635
This month, I heard this.

256
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,679
The medication for eczema

257
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,098
said the side effect

258
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,811
is "severe skin reactions."

259
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,817
Bitch, that's what the fuck
I came to you for!

260
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,362
You took away my eczema
and gave me shingles?

261
00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,906
Bitch, I am still itching!

262
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:51,872
It's gonna get worse.

263
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:56,794
I'm gonna say everything
I'm not supposed to say tonight.

264
00:13:56,877 --> 00:13:59,630
-[audience cheering]
-Just so you know.

265
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,842
The world has changed.

266
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:07,221
The world has motherfucking changed.
Used to be…

267
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:11,267
Used to be you told a story,
people would be like, "Is that true?"

268
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,519
Now they don't give a fuck if it's true.

269
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,398
If it's, "Is it derogatory?"

270
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:21,819
Yes, bitch, it probably is derogatory.

271
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:23,529
But it's true, though.

272
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:27,157
I just had to tell my people
what the fuck is really going on.

273
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:31,829
And we are living in a special time.
I mean a special fucking time.

274
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:35,249
Like, you can really do
anything right about now.

275
00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:38,460
I don't give a fuck what's wrong with you.
You can fucking make it.

276
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,297
Like, even if you cross-eyed,

277
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,382
you can make it.

278
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:47,094
Did you understand
that even if you cross-eyed?

279
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:48,846
[audience laughing]

280
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:52,308
Take that down
before I get a knock on my door.

281
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,560
[audience laughing]

282
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,357
That man is the director

283
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,818
of the FBI.

284
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,655
He can do that, you can do anything.

285
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:12,411
Cross-eyed and the director of the FBI?

286
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,664
You can't even be an eyewitness.

287
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,625
[audience laughing]

288
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,926
He working on everybody's case?

289
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,471
He can work on my case.
I'll be in front of the judge.

290
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:33,140
"Your Honor, he looks distracted."

291
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,475
[audience laughing]

292
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,730
I was talking about health.

293
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:43,067
The most important health

294
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,402
is your motherfucking mental health.

295
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:50,157
How the fuck is you doing up here?
Make some noise if you doing good up here.

296
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,117
-[horn blowing]
-That's what the fuck matters.

297
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,829
You got to protect
your motherfucking mental health.

298
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,541
That shit is fragile.

299
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,543
Once it go, it's gone.

300
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,213
And they don't give a fuck who you are.

301
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,674
Once it go, it's gone.

302
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,969
You need your fucking mental health,

303
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,263
and I found out some shit
they did not tell us.

304
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:18,060
And I can't wait to tell y'all,
so y'all can treat yourself better.

305
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,856
Some of y'all be way too mean
to yourself in the fucking brain.

306
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:27,403
You say some really
fucked-up things to yourself.

307
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,863
This is what they found out.

308
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:34,451
They found out your brain
don't know when you bullshitting.

309
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,204
Let me say it again.

310
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:41,375
Your brain don't know
when you bullshitting.

311
00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:44,670
So if you tell your brain, "I'm sick,"

312
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:47,506
your brain don't do no research at all.

313
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,342
It just say, "I guess we sick."

314
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:56,098
You got to be nicer
to your motherfucking self.

315
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,559
'Cause this shit go like that.

316
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,853
And I found out
when it come to mental health,

317
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:04,690
I can't speak
on nobody's mental health but my own.

318
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:07,901
'Cause every time I done spoke
on somebody else's mental health,

319
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:11,613
I've been wrong, wrong, wrong.

320
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:15,743
I was the first person
in the streets screaming,

321
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:20,497
"Free Britney Spears!
Free Britney Spears!"

322
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,208
"Free Britney Spears!"

323
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:27,588
Then they freed Britney
and scared all of us.

324
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:33,093
That baby need a conservatorship.
Is she okay?

325
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,138
It could happen to anybody.

326
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,975
I fucked around and said
Wendy Williams was Bigfoot.

327
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,938
And they believed me
and left that bitch in the woods for real.

328
00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:47,316
Go get her!

329
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,443
She out there, "How you doing?"

330
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:52,237
She is talking to a squirrel.

331
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:56,325
Mental health.

332
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,410
Don't play with it.

333
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:01,246
It even got Lil Nas X.

334
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:04,583
He went down the wrong old town road.

335
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:09,630
And he had all the distress signals
for a Black man.

336
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,466
He had on a cowboy hat,

337
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,468
cowboy boots,

338
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:16,553
white underwear.

339
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,349
Look at my white friends. "So what?"

340
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:24,436
I'll tell you a Negro secret.

341
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:30,109
A nigga ain't wore tighty-whities
since slavery, bitch.

342
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,986
That is a cry for help!

343
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,864
We don't even know where you buy those.

344
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,369
He got them pulled all high
showing his whole vagina.

345
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,745
[hip-hop music playing]

346
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,541
-Stop it. Don't do that.
-[music stops]

347
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,292
Don't encourage me.

348
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:52,339
I'm just saying don't forget
to love your motherfucking self.

349
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:57,928
Don't forget that.
Be nicer to your motherfucking self.

350
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:01,974
That's why I'm always
so confident in all situations.

351
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:05,561
'Cause if I see a mirror,
I lie to the mirror.

352
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,730
Every time I see me I go,

353
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:12,067
"Nigga, did you get a growth spurt today?"

354
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,485
[audience laughing]

355
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:19,908
"You looking 5'11" today."

356
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,827
♪ I love myself, uh… ♪

357
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:23,287
[music fades]

358
00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:26,456
It's important what go on in your brain.

359
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,459
And I just hope for 19 of you…

360
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,339
that you are just one change away

361
00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:37,801
from your shit
shifting motherfucking gears.

362
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,469
And that's how quick it can happen.

363
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,932
Just one last change,
bam, you shift gears.

364
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,769
Yeah. And you-- I don't give a fuck
what the change is. Just do it.

365
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,855
You might have to change your name.

366
00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:55,736
You've been Shaquita for 33 years, bitch.
Shit is not working for you.

367
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,531
Go back to the drawing board.
Start at the A's.

368
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:02,117
You could be Amber, Amy, Abigail.

369
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,081
Sometimes it's just a name.
I'm gonna give you an example.

370
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:14,171
We got people from all different races,
colors, and creeds in the building.

371
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,424
Make some noise
if you know all the seasonings.

372
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:20,135
That means you know
all the herbs and spices

373
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:25,098
from oregano and thyme,
all the way to rosemary and saffron.

374
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,268
Make some noise if you know all the…

375
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,687
-[audience cheering]
-[horn blowing]

376
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,440
Look at my white friends. "We know them."

377
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:36,902
Okay.

378
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,279
Since we got everybody in here.

379
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:43,951
Has anybody ever seen
paprika growing in the wild?

380
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:47,454
You ever seen wild paprika?

381
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,083
Nobody?

382
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,794
'Cause there ain't no paprika.

383
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,214
Look at the Black people. "What?"

384
00:20:57,297 --> 00:21:01,843
"Well, what the fuck we been putting
on deviled eggs then, nigga?"

385
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,221
"You can't just say this shit."

386
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:08,058
There is no paprika.

387
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:13,146
Ain't no paprika plant,
no paprika bush, no paprika tree.

388
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:19,361
Paprika is dried-up,
ground-up bell peppers.

389
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:25,158
Look at the white people.
"I don't even like bell peppers."

390
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,660
Yes, you do.

391
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:29,204
They just had to change the name.

392
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:33,000
Walked in bell peppers,
walked out Paprika Jenkins.

393
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,960
["Let Her Cook" playing]

394
00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:36,211
♪ Let her cook, uh ♪

395
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,380
Couldn't keep it on the shelf.

396
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:40,424
She sounds exotic.

397
00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,177
Now some of y'all may know

398
00:21:44,261 --> 00:21:46,972
I do not travel the globe

399
00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:49,891
talking about no motherfucking seasonings.

400
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:51,977
In my spare time,

401
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,856
I infiltrate the Illuminati,

402
00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:59,234
find out what the fuck they got going on,

403
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,028
get the information,

404
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:03,280
run back to y'all,

405
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,782
tell y'all everything I know.

406
00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:08,452
That's my motherfucking job.

407
00:22:08,535 --> 00:22:09,828
[audience cheering]

408
00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:11,204
And…

409
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,749
y'all treat me wonderfully.

410
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,543
But I don't know

411
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:20,630
how many more times
I'm going to be able to…

412
00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:24,760
sneak in there.

413
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:29,639
Thanks to Shannon Sharpe
and 90 million views…

414
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,350
[horn blowing]

415
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,769
…I can't sneak very often.

416
00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:39,066
So while I was in there this last time,

417
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:45,489
knowing that my last report
might be my last report,

418
00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:50,869
I went in there,
and I got information for everybody.

419
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,997
Information, I got

420
00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:55,999
for everybody.

421
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,959
Look at my white friends.

422
00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:00,295
"Us too?"

423
00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:03,673
That's right, white secrets.

424
00:23:04,966 --> 00:23:09,638
Okay, so because of the climate
and the temperature of, um…

425
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,808
Goddamn it, shoelaces.

426
00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:16,144
That's the only thing about being short.

427
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:21,316
They made these shoelaces
for a seven-foot nigga.

428
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:25,987
All right.

429
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:29,032
Back to my Illuminati information.

430
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:33,912
All right, I'm gonna do it quick,
and I'm gonna be moving around

431
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:35,956
for my own safety.

432
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:40,585
White friends, here come y'alls first.

433
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:43,672
For 50 years, y'all been wondering

434
00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:46,633
what the fuck happened to JFK.

435
00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:51,388
I went in there
and watched the VCR tape myself.

436
00:23:52,514 --> 00:23:55,517
I can't tell you what I saw,
white friends,

437
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,603
but I'll show you the part you missed.

438
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,654
[audience laughing]

439
00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:12,659
Moving right along.

440
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:14,953
Okay.

441
00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:19,916
Every time I go in there, I be thinking,

442
00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:23,378
"They hate some of us more than others."

443
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:27,424
But when I find out the information,
I find out they hate all of us.

444
00:24:27,507 --> 00:24:29,342
They just lie to all of us.

445
00:24:29,926 --> 00:24:33,763
They don't see no difference,
just lie to all of us.

446
00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:36,266
Here's a perfect example.

447
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,187
Did you know that for 35 years

448
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:42,564
they've been telling us we are at war

449
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:44,441
with cholesterol?

450
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:48,487
That cholesterol is the silent killer?

451
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:52,699
All our doctors told us our cholesterol
was too motherfucking high,

452
00:24:52,782 --> 00:24:55,243
and we needed to get it down low.

453
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,788
Guess what they found out
and didn't tell us?

454
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:00,540
Did you know…

455
00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:04,461
[chuckles]

456
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:10,008
Did you know
your brain is 100% cholesterol?

457
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:14,971
Your whole brain is cholesterol, bitch.

458
00:25:15,889 --> 00:25:17,933
So congratulations.

459
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:22,062
Some of y'all cholesterol
lower than a bitch.

460
00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:24,981
You did it.

461
00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:28,318
They don't be giving a fuck.
They just be making money.

462
00:25:29,236 --> 00:25:32,113
They put motherfucking fluoride
in our water.

463
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:34,324
And then I found out…

464
00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:36,743
You know it was never not one study

465
00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:41,623
that ever said that fluoride was good
for our teeth and our motherfucking bones

466
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:44,334
because it's a toxic fucking chemical

467
00:25:44,417 --> 00:25:48,672
and could never be good
for teeth or fucking bones?

468
00:25:49,631 --> 00:25:50,840
Bitch!

469
00:25:54,010 --> 00:25:55,554
But the truth is,

470
00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:59,099
'cause of the shit I'm likely to say,

471
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,103
I done really stepped in it this time.

472
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:07,148
I can tell 'cause everybody
turned against me.

473
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:10,610
Them streets is dangerous for me.

474
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:14,739
So many motherfuckers came at me,
I had to check myself

475
00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:17,784
and see what the fuck I had done.

476
00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,869
I went back and watched shit for myself.

477
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:22,539
I went and saw
the Shannon Sharpe interview.

478
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:25,166
I was flabbergasted.

479
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,543
[audience laughing]

480
00:26:27,168 --> 00:26:29,337
"This nigga's vicious."

481
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,507
"He didn't have to say all that."

482
00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:36,595
All they want me to do
is shut the fuck up.

483
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,471
That's it.

484
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:41,182
But I was just mistaken.

485
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:44,811
I thought
they was just gonna laugh it off.

486
00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:46,313
They did not…

487
00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:50,025
laugh it off.

488
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:52,319
I can't even go to SeaWorld

489
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:54,904
'cause I said
one guy looked like a walrus.

490
00:26:56,031 --> 00:26:58,325
Now they won't even let me in there.

491
00:26:59,242 --> 00:27:02,495
I said another guy couldn't read.
I didn't have to say that.

492
00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:05,290
I could have said he don't read well.

493
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,461
I had on a "fuck you" shirt.
He didn't acknowledge it.

494
00:27:09,544 --> 00:27:11,504
I assumed he couldn't read.

495
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:15,967
I was only talking about a couple people.

496
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,385
But I should have shut the fuck up

497
00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:20,555
'cause I didn't know
how many people it applied to.

498
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:23,350
I was talking
about a couple men in dresses.

499
00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:24,768
Now every man

500
00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:28,521
that ever wore a dress
can't stand my guts.

501
00:27:28,605 --> 00:27:29,814
Soon as they see me coming,

502
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,859
they just grab their purse
and walk the other…

503
00:27:32,942 --> 00:27:34,944
[audience laughing]

504
00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:40,492
This shit cost me.

505
00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,370
Everybody turned against me.

506
00:27:43,453 --> 00:27:45,955
Even 50 Cent turned against me.

507
00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:48,708
You don't want him as an enemy.

508
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:51,920
But I couldn't be shook

509
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:56,883
'cause I remembered
I never done nothing to him in my life.

510
00:27:56,966 --> 00:27:59,803
Then I got offended.

511
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:02,347
Wait a minute, motherfucker.

512
00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:05,433
You got a head like a square.

513
00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:07,727
You would cross me?

514
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:13,775
Only two square-headed men have made it
in Hollywood. You and Herman Munster.

515
00:28:13,858 --> 00:28:16,778
Nigga, I will not be bullied.

516
00:28:16,861 --> 00:28:18,738
[audience applauding]

517
00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:25,704
But they came after your boy.

518
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:30,208
I thought they misunderstood my job.

519
00:28:30,291 --> 00:28:34,754
My job is see something, say something.
That's my motherfucking job.

520
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:39,092
They always taking my shit out of context.

521
00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:41,386
A lot of the times I'd be concerned.

522
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:46,182
They act like I was talking shit
about a comedy legend of ours.

523
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:49,811
I wasn't talking shit.
I was fucking concerned.

524
00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:53,064
The man said he did not have a stroke.

525
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:55,358
And then that
should have been the end of it.

526
00:28:55,942 --> 00:28:59,154
And instead,
they made this nigga do 32 interviews.

527
00:28:59,237 --> 00:29:04,576
In every interview,
he is showing every symptom of a stroke.

528
00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:07,829
Ain't nobody saying shit.

529
00:29:07,912 --> 00:29:09,831
They just, "Come on out!"

530
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:11,082
♪ Different strokes ♪

531
00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:12,917
♪ It takes different strokes ♪

532
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:15,920
♪ It takes different strokes
To move the world ♪

533
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:17,005
♪ Yes, it does ♪

534
00:29:17,088 --> 00:29:20,842
♪ It takes different strokes
To move the world ♪

535
00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,385
[hums]

536
00:29:23,136 --> 00:29:25,722
And I'm at the house,
like, "This is wrong!"

537
00:29:25,805 --> 00:29:29,642
The fuck is we talking about,
"Did he have a stroke?" "Did he?"

538
00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:35,231
Look like he had several strokes.
Upstroke, downstroke, backstroke.

539
00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:37,942
Everything but a stroke of luck.

540
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:42,781
I was concerned.

541
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:46,910
I'm not allowed
to say shit even if I see shit.

542
00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:50,497
'Cause Hollywood
is too motherfucking strong.

543
00:29:51,372 --> 00:29:53,374
They want you to make it,
you gonna make it.

544
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:55,877
They don't give a fuck.

545
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,129
Even if you was, allegedly,

546
00:29:58,213 --> 00:30:00,215
riddled with herpes,

547
00:30:01,049 --> 00:30:04,552
they'll still have you in Vegas
feeding bitches fruit and shit, just…

548
00:30:05,136 --> 00:30:07,138
♪ These are my confessions ♪

549
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:09,307
[audience laughing]

550
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,434
[music stops]

551
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,315
I done said too much. I did.

552
00:30:18,358 --> 00:30:21,194
Ain't nobody finna say shit?

553
00:30:21,277 --> 00:30:25,156
All our women coming back from Vegas
with two bumps on their lip,

554
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,407
don't wanna fuck.

555
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:29,410
Fuck it!

556
00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:36,543
Fellas, your woman
does not love fruit like that.

557
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:39,754
You don't believe me,
when y'all get back home

558
00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:42,048
just pop up from behind the couch, just…

559
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:43,758
[music resumes]

560
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:49,973
"Stop playing with the fruit, Gerald.
That's the kids' lunch fruit."

561
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:55,019
But I just gotta shut the fuck up.

562
00:30:55,937 --> 00:30:57,897
'Cause Hollywood is too strong.

563
00:30:58,731 --> 00:31:00,984
They play by their own rules.

564
00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:04,028
They don't play by my rules.

565
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:08,032
P. Diddy just got four years

566
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:11,119
for taking 37 asses.

567
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:14,664
Let me do the math.

568
00:31:16,082 --> 00:31:18,167
Took 37 asses!

569
00:31:19,252 --> 00:31:20,503
Four years.

570
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:25,049
Meanwhile, they tried to give me
the same four years for two blunts

571
00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:29,637
I had no intention
of smoking in the first place.

572
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,098
They were purely ornamental.

573
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:35,101
Same four years.

574
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:38,229
'Cause they play by different rules.

575
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:43,484
That man was facing
ass-trafficking charges.

576
00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:47,989
For trafficking ass.

577
00:31:49,949 --> 00:31:52,201
Why they only gave him four years?

578
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:55,747
Because liking dick

579
00:31:55,830 --> 00:31:59,626
and being a devil worshiper
ain't against the law.

580
00:32:00,543 --> 00:32:03,171
They heard prostitution

581
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:06,466
and thought there was some vaginas

582
00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:09,010
that needed to be saved.

583
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:15,391
The judge said,
"Bring out the nine prostitutes."

584
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:19,187
And nine big-dicked niggas walked out.

585
00:32:20,563 --> 00:32:21,439
Judge said…

586
00:32:21,522 --> 00:32:22,857
[tapping microphone]

587
00:32:22,941 --> 00:32:25,818
…"Order. He's fine. Give him four years."

588
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:29,530
"It's not a crime. He just likes penis."

589
00:32:33,451 --> 00:32:35,828
He liked penis so much,

590
00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:39,457
they sent him to the place
with the most penis.

591
00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:46,214
Right now, he is happily
paying for his crime.

592
00:32:46,297 --> 00:32:47,590
[audience laughing]

593
00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:54,639
I'm not gonna be scared for four years.

594
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:00,061
P. Diddy got his lawyers lying.

595
00:33:00,144 --> 00:33:03,439
"He's going to be
a changed man when he come out."

596
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:04,816
Is he?

597
00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:09,821
"Yes, he started
Good Boy Records and everything."

598
00:33:09,904 --> 00:33:13,449
He's not saying, "Take that."
He's saying, "Give back, give back."

599
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:17,829
That's the last thing I'm gonna to say.

600
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:22,583
I ain't talking about shit else.

601
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:25,211
Just know, sometimes,

602
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:28,089
my heart be
in the motherfucking right place,

603
00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,341
and I just get tricked.

604
00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:33,011
Sometimes, I believe
shit that ain't right.

605
00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:37,265
Like, I thought Mike Tyson
was gonna whoop the shit

606
00:33:37,348 --> 00:33:38,766
out that young white gentleman.

607
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,185
I believed that shit.

608
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:45,690
I had a party,
invited my ancestors over and everything.

609
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:50,653
We had chips and dip
and unnecessary regalia.

610
00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:54,532
I just want to see Mike Tyson,
the beast, the monster,

611
00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:56,492
in the motherfucking ring again.

612
00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:00,288
I knew early in the evening

613
00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:02,582
something was wrong.

614
00:34:02,665 --> 00:34:03,708
[laughter]

615
00:34:03,791 --> 00:34:07,128
I had to put my blunt out
for only the fourth time

616
00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:10,339
without the police's presence.

617
00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:13,801
I looked up, Mike had his whole ass out.

618
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:15,178
[audience laughing]

619
00:34:15,261 --> 00:34:17,263
The fuck!

620
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:21,059
I said pay-per-view, not OnlyFans, bitch.

621
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:24,562
You don't have my consent to show me this.

622
00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:31,819
The fight hadn't even started.

623
00:34:32,987 --> 00:34:35,239
I had put my money on this nigga.

624
00:34:37,533 --> 00:34:40,411
I had to rationalize for him.
I said some stupid shit.

625
00:34:40,495 --> 00:34:43,498
I said, "I know he ain't finna lose

626
00:34:44,248 --> 00:34:46,042
with his ass out."

627
00:34:47,376 --> 00:34:49,003
Boy, was I wrong.

628
00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:52,340
They called Mike Tyson out.

629
00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:57,929
Mike Tyson came to the ring
like Joe Biden on his way to a helicopter.

630
00:34:58,012 --> 00:35:00,014
[rock music playing]

631
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:11,651
-[music stops]
-I said, "Who the fuck is that?!"

632
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:15,363
They was like, "It's Mike Tyson!"
"No, the fuck it ain't!"

633
00:35:18,574 --> 00:35:20,743
Looked like he was fighting gravity.

634
00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,416
But that's the new thing
about the world we live in.

635
00:35:27,917 --> 00:35:29,919
You can take the pressure off yourself.

636
00:35:30,503 --> 00:35:34,006
Just do the best job you can possibly do.

637
00:35:34,090 --> 00:35:36,759
'Cause you either gonna win spectacular,

638
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:39,053
or you gonna lose spectacular.

639
00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:42,765
Your job is
just make sure it's spectacular.

640
00:35:43,432 --> 00:35:46,144
And you can take a spectacular L.

641
00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:48,980
Kamala Harris showed us that shit.

642
00:35:50,064 --> 00:35:52,859
She took her L like a champ.

643
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:55,444
We ain't never seen no shit like that.

644
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:59,615
They tried to act like
nobody voted for Kamala.

645
00:35:59,699 --> 00:36:03,327
They put up the map.
The whole map was red.

646
00:36:03,411 --> 00:36:06,539
Even the people
that voted for her was red.

647
00:36:07,415 --> 00:36:10,459
They showed her house. It was 50-50.

648
00:36:10,543 --> 00:36:13,045
It ain't but two of y'all in there.

649
00:36:14,338 --> 00:36:17,675
They tried to blame everybody.
They blamed Black men.

650
00:36:17,758 --> 00:36:19,510
It was not our fault.

651
00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:21,804
Blame anybody else.

652
00:36:21,888 --> 00:36:25,266
No Indians voted for her at all.

653
00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,935
Even women that wanted an abortion said,

654
00:36:28,019 --> 00:36:30,563
"I guess I'll just have
to figure something out."

655
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:33,357
They said she didn't have

656
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:36,444
enough electoral college votes
to graduate.

657
00:36:36,527 --> 00:36:38,529
[audience laughing]

658
00:36:39,530 --> 00:36:43,201
At one point in the election,
Katt Williams had more votes.

659
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:45,119
["Hail to the Chief" playing]

660
00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:47,330
[music fades]

661
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:50,583
That's where we were as a country.

662
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:54,128
Everybody asking the same question.
"Is she Black?"

663
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,340
"Is she Black?" "Is she Black?"

664
00:36:57,423 --> 00:37:01,928
At the end,
she showed you exactly what she was.

665
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:05,264
It was time for her concession speech.

666
00:37:05,848 --> 00:37:07,934
She ain't even show up.

667
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:13,022
That's a nigga right there.
We should have never doubted it.

668
00:37:13,105 --> 00:37:16,108
She just rolled by
with her pinky finger in the air, just…

669
00:37:16,192 --> 00:37:17,151
♪ Skee-yee ♪

670
00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:19,195
♪ If you see me
And you tryna see what's up ♪

671
00:37:19,278 --> 00:37:20,613
♪ Skee-yee
He wanna fuck with me ♪

672
00:37:20,696 --> 00:37:22,365
♪ Then I'ma have him stuck ♪

673
00:37:22,448 --> 00:37:24,325
[audience laughing]

674
00:37:27,703 --> 00:37:30,289
But that's the best part about America.

675
00:37:30,831 --> 00:37:33,584
In America,
it don't matter who you choose,

676
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:38,464
'cause we all gonna
pay the price together.

677
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:41,592
That's what make it gambling.

678
00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:45,429
We gonna pay the price together.
No matter what it is.

679
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:48,724
You don't want this one? Fine.

680
00:37:48,808 --> 00:37:50,726
Well, who's up next?

681
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,895
That's right.

682
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,731
Don't be complaining about who's up next.

683
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:59,735
Just 'cause it happened
to be Donald J. Darth Vader Trump.

684
00:37:59,819 --> 00:38:02,363
["Marche Funèbre" by Chopin playing]

685
00:38:03,030 --> 00:38:03,990
[music fades]

686
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:06,325
Yeah, I don't give a fuck
what you think about him.

687
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:09,370
That motherfucker is exciting!

688
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:10,705
[audience laughing]

689
00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:16,585
That motherfucking Trump,
you do not know what he finna do tomorrow.

690
00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:18,546
No, the fuck you don't.

691
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:21,382
All you know is he gonna do something.

692
00:38:23,259 --> 00:38:25,553
He's been president before.

693
00:38:25,636 --> 00:38:28,681
This time he was not bullshitting.

694
00:38:28,764 --> 00:38:33,477
He been in office 200 days,
he done done 200 things.

695
00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:40,067
Good things, bad things. Who gives a fuck?

696
00:38:40,568 --> 00:38:42,111
Things.

697
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:47,283
He do his shit today
and figure out what the fuck he just did

698
00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:48,993
tomorrow.

699
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:51,162
Yeah.

700
00:38:52,496 --> 00:38:55,249
He found out
all you got to do is think about it,

701
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:57,376
research it, make it happen.

702
00:38:57,460 --> 00:39:00,838
In this term, he said,
"Get research the fuck out of here."

703
00:39:00,921 --> 00:39:03,841
"We will not be needing your services."

704
00:39:05,551 --> 00:39:06,927
He don't give a fuck.

705
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:10,348
If it makes sense to him, it makes sense.

706
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:14,852
First thing he did is come in
and fired all the wrong people.

707
00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:23,235
Fired a thousand people
at the Nuclear Security Administration.

708
00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:26,989
The next day, he said,
"Well, what did they do?"

709
00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:28,491
[audience laughing]

710
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:31,160
"They took care of the bombs,
Mr. President."

711
00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:33,496
"Well, get them the fuck back in here!"

712
00:39:33,579 --> 00:39:38,542
"You know I didn't mean them.
I meant TSA, the one with the shoes."

713
00:39:42,129 --> 00:39:43,839
Trump don't give a fuck.

714
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:46,592
He do it today, figure it out tomorrow.

715
00:39:47,593 --> 00:39:50,846
He fired thousands of people at the FAA.

716
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:56,977
And then 14 planes
landed upside down in 14 days.

717
00:39:57,061 --> 00:40:00,106
Y'all didn't say shit.
"Sometimes they land like that."

718
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:01,982
"No, they don't!"

719
00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:10,199
If it makes sense to him, it makes sense.

720
00:40:10,282 --> 00:40:12,827
He don't think like everybody else.

721
00:40:12,910 --> 00:40:16,747
They told him only 28%

722
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:20,084
of our eighth graders can read.

723
00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:23,170
He said,

724
00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:26,048
"Who gave the test?"

725
00:40:26,132 --> 00:40:28,134
[audience laughing]

726
00:40:32,471 --> 00:40:34,140
"The Department of Education."

727
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:37,268
"Well, get them the fuck out of here!"

728
00:40:37,351 --> 00:40:39,395
"Take them books with them."

729
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:43,858
How the fuck we gonna fail a test
we don't take, bitch?

730
00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:51,157
Ain't nobody funnier than this guy.

731
00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:54,702
It might look like
he don't know what he doing.

732
00:40:55,202 --> 00:40:57,288
He be knowing what the fuck he doing.

733
00:40:57,788 --> 00:41:02,585
He got us in five wars at one time.

734
00:41:02,668 --> 00:41:07,381
We all had five wars. One time.

735
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,550
Here's the brilliant part.

736
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:14,680
None of the nations
that we are at war with,

737
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:16,348
none of them,

738
00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:17,808
got an army.

739
00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:19,643
[audience laughing]

740
00:41:21,937 --> 00:41:24,023
He's just over there bullying.
"Shut the fuck up."

741
00:41:24,106 --> 00:41:25,524
"Y'all ain't got no guns here."

742
00:41:25,608 --> 00:41:28,277
"Don't give a fuck
about your maple syrup, Canada."

743
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:35,868
If you're a comedian,

744
00:41:35,951 --> 00:41:38,787
you ain't never seen
nobody funnier than this.

745
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:43,501
And he don't give a fuck
if he already said one thing.

746
00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:45,628
He don't mind changing it,

747
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,631
when he needs to change it.

748
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:52,051
Trump said, "I will absolutely

749
00:41:52,134 --> 00:41:54,678
show you the Epstein files."

750
00:41:55,387 --> 00:42:00,100
Then they showed him the files.
He said, "Bitch, is that my name?"

751
00:42:00,684 --> 00:42:02,895
"You got me fucked up. You better…"

752
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:05,814
[audience laughing]

753
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:14,865
Ever since…

754
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:18,160
Ever since "Grab her by the pussy,"

755
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:23,374
I thought he could never say anything else

756
00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:26,335
make me put my blunt out.

757
00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:30,673
This month,

758
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:32,675
allegedly,

759
00:42:33,842 --> 00:42:35,469
he said

760
00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:38,389
he spoke with the president

761
00:42:38,472 --> 00:42:40,474
of Puerto Rico

762
00:42:41,225 --> 00:42:44,019
and the Virgin Islands.

763
00:42:44,103 --> 00:42:46,772
My whole brain scrambled.

764
00:42:48,482 --> 00:42:50,401
[audience applauding, laughing]

765
00:42:56,865 --> 00:42:59,368
"Sir, you are the president

766
00:43:00,035 --> 00:43:02,121
of Puerto Rico

767
00:43:02,871 --> 00:43:05,499
and the Virgin Islands."

768
00:43:07,251 --> 00:43:09,211
So the question is,

769
00:43:09,295 --> 00:43:12,256
"Who the fuck was you talking to?"

770
00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:13,299
[audience laughing]

771
00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:17,428
JD Vance was in a corner.
"This is Puerto Rico, sir."

772
00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:24,518
Trump is just funny.

773
00:43:25,227 --> 00:43:29,273
He-- He didn't even know
who Bad Bunny was.

774
00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:33,986
He said, "I don't think a Hispanic rabbit

775
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,781
should be at the Super Bowl."

776
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:50,252
From the outside looking in,

777
00:43:51,545 --> 00:43:57,343
it would seem like this country
should be at its most divided.

778
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:59,219
But I promise you,

779
00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:03,307
the reason this is
the greatest country in the world

780
00:44:03,390 --> 00:44:07,061
is because we are
the United States of America,

781
00:44:07,144 --> 00:44:12,107
heavy on the "united,"
regardless of what we believe.

782
00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:13,275
[audience cheering]

783
00:44:13,359 --> 00:44:14,735
Mm-hmm.

784
00:44:14,818 --> 00:44:19,114
And the whole thing is,
as a family of different colors,

785
00:44:20,282 --> 00:44:22,493
we gonna need each other coming up.

786
00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:25,204
They're not telling you that shit.

787
00:44:25,704 --> 00:44:28,666
You gonna have to depend on somebody

788
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,542
that don't look like you.

789
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:32,503
Yeah.

790
00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:36,548
See, we are scheduled to starve to death,

791
00:44:37,716 --> 00:44:39,927
unless we work together.

792
00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:43,263
For the first time in 400 years,

793
00:44:43,347 --> 00:44:47,309
there's gonna be no Hispanics in the field

794
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:53,232
to pick the fruits
and the vegetables and the crops

795
00:44:53,315 --> 00:44:56,193
that we all eat and enjoy.

796
00:44:58,237 --> 00:45:01,156
So that mean the next group

797
00:45:01,949 --> 00:45:03,742
got to step up,

798
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:06,787
get in the fields…

799
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:11,041
pick these crops.

800
00:45:12,793 --> 00:45:14,253
Look at Black people.

801
00:45:14,336 --> 00:45:16,213
[audience laughing]

802
00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:26,140
I don't speak for all Black people,
but I do speak for all niggas.

803
00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:29,226
Niggas ain't never
going back to the field.

804
00:45:30,352 --> 00:45:32,980
If Jesus come back,
we'll have to explain it to him.

805
00:45:33,063 --> 00:45:34,857
"Get out of there, Lord and Savior."

806
00:45:35,941 --> 00:45:38,569
We got 400 years of credit out there.

807
00:45:39,528 --> 00:45:42,072
We don't even pick Fruit Roll-Ups.

808
00:45:43,490 --> 00:45:46,076
So that mean for the first time

809
00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:48,996
in 400 years,

810
00:45:49,955 --> 00:45:52,291
it's not gonna be no Hispanics

811
00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:56,253
and no Blacks in the field

812
00:45:56,837 --> 00:45:59,298
to pick the fruits and vegetables

813
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:01,592
that we all enjoy.

814
00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:04,511
That mean the next group

815
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:07,556
got to step up,

816
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:10,934
get in them fields.

817
00:46:11,518 --> 00:46:13,312
Look at my white friends.

818
00:46:13,395 --> 00:46:14,897
[audience laughing]

819
00:46:14,980 --> 00:46:19,193
That's right, white friends!

820
00:46:19,276 --> 00:46:21,236
It's your turn!

821
00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:25,282
We need you now!

822
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:27,242
Come on, white friends!

823
00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:29,828
You can do this shit.

824
00:46:31,371 --> 00:46:37,461
I want you to get
as much sunscreen as you can legally find.

825
00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:44,843
We gonna need you to be out there
for 45 minutes to an hour at a time.

826
00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:49,431
We need you, white friends.

827
00:46:50,682 --> 00:46:54,061
And don't worry, it ain't gonna be
fucked up like Black slavery.

828
00:46:56,104 --> 00:46:58,315
You ain't gonna have to do it by yourself.

829
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:02,569
We gonna be out there
supporting you, white friends.

830
00:47:02,653 --> 00:47:08,033
Giving you words of affirmation
and positive messages.

831
00:47:08,116 --> 00:47:12,162
We gonna be playing
white Negro spirituals.

832
00:47:12,246 --> 00:47:13,455
["Lose Control" playing]

833
00:47:13,539 --> 00:47:15,833
♪ Something's got a hold of me lately ♪

834
00:47:15,916 --> 00:47:17,292
♪ No, I don't know… ♪

835
00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:19,711
"Doing a great job, Rebecca."

836
00:47:20,629 --> 00:47:23,382
"Put your back into it. There you go."

837
00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:25,801
♪ …the walls are all closing in ♪

838
00:47:25,884 --> 00:47:30,722
"Can I get some oranges
on aisle 26, please? Goddamn!"

839
00:47:30,806 --> 00:47:32,641
♪ Out of my mind, how many times… ♪

840
00:47:32,724 --> 00:47:33,976
[music stops]

841
00:47:34,059 --> 00:47:36,520
Just saying we all gonna need each other.

842
00:47:38,647 --> 00:47:39,731
Yeah.

843
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:42,943
Life is too hard

844
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:45,279
for us to be divided.

845
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:50,617
I found out from traveling
all across this great nation.

846
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:53,203
A lot of people do
some great motherfucking work.

847
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:55,455
They don't get no credit.

848
00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:59,293
This whole country is built
on the backs of farmers.

849
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:01,753
Farmers is our motherfucking lifeblood.

850
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:06,258
The people that got a farm,
that's who run the fucking country.

851
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:08,093
-Feeding everybody.
-[applause]

852
00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:10,971
That's a hard job.

853
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:13,265
That shit is not easy.

854
00:48:13,348 --> 00:48:16,268
I don't give a fuck
how much money you got.

855
00:48:16,351 --> 00:48:18,395
You ain't ready
for that motherfucking farm life.

856
00:48:18,478 --> 00:48:20,355
And when I say "you,"

857
00:48:20,439 --> 00:48:22,274
I mean me.

858
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:27,446
I did not know that shit
was gangster like that.

859
00:48:27,529 --> 00:48:29,156
It's hard as fuck.

860
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:32,117
I hurry up, bought a hundred-acre farm.

861
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:33,911
Got off the grid,

862
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:37,164
then found out what the fuck the grid was.

863
00:48:38,081 --> 00:48:42,586
What the fuck did I get off
the grid for, bitch? I need the grid.

864
00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:47,883
I found out I'm not cut out
for this motherfucking farm life.

865
00:48:47,966 --> 00:48:50,928
I bought all the animals
that was delicious.

866
00:48:52,054 --> 00:48:56,767
A hundred chickens, a hundred turkeys,
a hundred ducks, a hundred rabbits,

867
00:48:56,850 --> 00:49:01,438
a hundred cows,
a hundred sheep, a hundred pigs.

868
00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:05,067
Everything that made a crackling,
I bought it.

869
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,196
I done had this farm for four years.

870
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:13,241
We ain't killed
a motherfucking animal yet.

871
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:16,828
I don't know how you do this shit.

872
00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:21,583
"I'm supposed to eat these?
These are my friends, bitch."

873
00:49:23,001 --> 00:49:28,215
"I done name them. I talk to them.
You want me to eat Cash and Kaya, bitch?"

874
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:30,175
[audience laughing]

875
00:49:32,219 --> 00:49:37,099
Done had this farm four years.
We still DoorDashing Popeyes and shit.

876
00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:40,644
The chickens cutting off the DoorDasher.

877
00:49:46,441 --> 00:49:48,694
Might as well call it Puss-Ass Farms.

878
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:55,409
I don't care how delicious they are.
They are as cute as they are delicious.

879
00:49:55,492 --> 00:49:58,954
If you can kill a baby goat,
your ass is a monster.

880
00:49:59,788 --> 00:50:03,208
That motherfucker don't do nothing
but be happy to be alive all day long.

881
00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:04,376
Just…

882
00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:10,716
I'm crying with mint jelly in my hands.

883
00:50:13,635 --> 00:50:14,636
Yeah.

884
00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:18,056
Be easy on yourself.

885
00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:20,017
That was my motherfucking point.

886
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,602
Some shit be easier than you think.

887
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:26,189
I'm lucky
'cause I don't have to fight by myself.

888
00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:29,067
I got a God that love me.

889
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:31,903
-Like, he-- He take care of me.
-[cheering and applause]

890
00:50:32,654 --> 00:50:34,656
'Cause he know I'm slow.

891
00:50:36,533 --> 00:50:38,785
So he treat me like I'm slow.

892
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,413
Yeah. That works for me.

893
00:50:41,496 --> 00:50:44,207
He just be blessing me out of nowhere.

894
00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,377
I don't know
where it's going to come from or nothing.

895
00:50:47,461 --> 00:50:49,713
And it be real miracles.

896
00:50:50,297 --> 00:50:51,757
Like…

897
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:57,804
Like, last year I was doing this thing
where I was drinking these exotic teas.

898
00:50:57,888 --> 00:51:00,015
Every day before a show and after a show,

899
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:05,854
drinking these motherfucking
hundred-dollar-a-cup cups of tea and shit,

900
00:51:05,937 --> 00:51:07,564
and put the honey in it.

901
00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:09,775
And my friend was like,
"I got some special honey

902
00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,026
I'm gonna send you."

903
00:51:11,109 --> 00:51:13,820
And I was like, "Yes."
And I got the special honey.

904
00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,198
I started putting it in the tea every day,

905
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:19,534
and I'm feeling
stronger and stronger and shit.

906
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,661
I'm not knowing
what the fuck is happening.

907
00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:26,291
And I found out this nigga
done sent me dick-hard honey.

908
00:51:26,374 --> 00:51:28,335
[audience laughing]

909
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:38,637
I didn't know. I thought the Lord
was really answering my prayers.

910
00:51:39,221 --> 00:51:42,808
"He hath rejuvenated and restoreth."

911
00:51:47,354 --> 00:51:49,231
'Cause here's the whole thing.

912
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:53,485
This final group of people in here,

913
00:51:53,568 --> 00:51:56,279
nobody never say nothing good about them,

914
00:51:56,363 --> 00:52:00,534
but they've been doing a great job too,
and I'm part of them.

915
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:04,538
Where's all the men in the building?
Make some noise if you a man.

916
00:52:04,621 --> 00:52:06,123
-[audience cheering]
-[horn blowing]

917
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:07,916
-Keep up the good work.
-[glass shattering]

918
00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:11,253
We know how hard it is.
You doing a great motherfucking job.

919
00:52:11,336 --> 00:52:15,465
Not 19 of you,
but the rest of you, doing a great job.

920
00:52:15,549 --> 00:52:17,134
Keep up the good work.

921
00:52:17,217 --> 00:52:19,344
For the men in the audience,

922
00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:21,429
I'm gonna say something

923
00:52:21,513 --> 00:52:23,557
that'll uplift you.

924
00:52:23,640 --> 00:52:25,767
'Cause that rarely happens.

925
00:52:26,351 --> 00:52:28,895
They found out something medically,

926
00:52:28,979 --> 00:52:31,481
and they don't want to fucking tell y'all.

927
00:52:31,565 --> 00:52:33,358
But I'm gonna fucking tell you.

928
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:37,946
They found out
that all the evil men in the world,

929
00:52:38,029 --> 00:52:40,031
throughout history,

930
00:52:40,115 --> 00:52:42,701
all got one thing in common.

931
00:52:43,368 --> 00:52:46,371
They all got a micropenis.

932
00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:48,748
All of them.

933
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:54,754
R. Kelly, P. Diddy,
Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, all of them.

934
00:52:55,338 --> 00:52:57,090
Mm-hmm!

935
00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:58,925
Yep!

936
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:02,679
And a micropenis is any penis

937
00:53:02,762 --> 00:53:04,973
three inches or less

938
00:53:05,557 --> 00:53:06,933
when it's hard.

939
00:53:08,018 --> 00:53:11,062
We wondering why these men be so evil.

940
00:53:12,063 --> 00:53:18,028
You'd be evil too if you had a dick
the size of a Now and Later, bitch.

941
00:53:18,111 --> 00:53:20,697
Every time you pull your pants down,
somebody laugh.

942
00:53:20,780 --> 00:53:22,199
[snickers]

943
00:53:22,282 --> 00:53:24,201
Even when you alone.

944
00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:29,080
So, fellas,

945
00:53:29,581 --> 00:53:31,166
thank God

946
00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:33,335
you didn't have to walk that.

947
00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:35,795
Be grateful

948
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:39,591
you ain't got no motherfucking micropenis.

949
00:53:42,219 --> 00:53:43,595
So now,

950
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:48,183
for the fellas,
I hope you are just one truth away

951
00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:50,977
from your life shifting.

952
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:54,397
And it can happen.
It happened to me. I heard one thing.

953
00:53:54,481 --> 00:53:56,691
It changed my life forever.

954
00:53:56,775 --> 00:54:00,028
I heard one truth,
and it changed everything.

955
00:54:00,111 --> 00:54:02,781
And I'm going to share it
with the men in here,

956
00:54:02,864 --> 00:54:05,075
so you know it don't just relate to me.

957
00:54:05,158 --> 00:54:07,035
It relate to all of us.

958
00:54:07,535 --> 00:54:09,788
Two women told me

959
00:54:10,372 --> 00:54:11,790
that my dick

960
00:54:12,290 --> 00:54:14,292
was bigger than Shaq's.

961
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:15,502
[audience laughing]

962
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:19,047
Let me say that again
for the people in the back.

963
00:54:23,468 --> 00:54:26,429
Don't look at it right now.
That's embarrassing.

964
00:54:27,138 --> 00:54:29,099
Two women told me

965
00:54:29,849 --> 00:54:31,309
my dick

966
00:54:31,393 --> 00:54:33,228
was bigger than Shaq's.

967
00:54:33,311 --> 00:54:35,397
Now, it don't matter

968
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,191
if it's true or not.

969
00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:41,569
Soon as I heard it,

970
00:54:41,653 --> 00:54:44,114
my life changed.

971
00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:46,950
Like, I mean, instantly.

972
00:54:47,033 --> 00:54:50,328
My spine got strong,
my walk was different.

973
00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:53,123
I walked like I had Shaq's dick.

974
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:54,666
♪ Hey, hold up ♪

975
00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:56,960
♪ Be different, be different, yeah ♪

976
00:54:57,043 --> 00:54:57,919
♪ Hold up ♪

977
00:54:58,003 --> 00:55:00,046
♪ Be different, be different, yeah ♪

978
00:55:00,130 --> 00:55:01,006
♪ Hold up ♪

979
00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:03,091
♪ Be different, be different, yeah ♪

980
00:55:03,174 --> 00:55:04,301
[music fades]

981
00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:07,512
'Cause now I know my dick

982
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:09,306
is bigger than Shaq's.

983
00:55:10,181 --> 00:55:12,517
Now fellas,
what does that have to do with you?

984
00:55:14,019 --> 00:55:19,274
You know your penis is allegedly,
probably, maybe bigger than mine!

985
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:22,027
So what does that mean?

986
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:24,738
That means all our dick…

987
00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:26,823
[audience laughing]

988
00:55:29,534 --> 00:55:31,077
…bigger than Shaq's.

989
00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:34,622
And now you got to act like it

990
00:55:34,706 --> 00:55:36,833
'cause you heard it.

991
00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:38,585
That's right.

992
00:55:39,085 --> 00:55:42,922
Fellas, if God done bless you
with a vagina in your life,

993
00:55:43,006 --> 00:55:46,051
don't you bring out
no regular dick tonight.

994
00:55:46,676 --> 00:55:48,511
She gonna be looking.

995
00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:53,600
Tonight, when you come out that bathroom,
you come out with Shaq's dick.

996
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:59,356
Don't even do no foreplay,
just slam dunk on the pussy.

997
00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:01,191
♪ She like the way that I move ♪

998
00:56:01,274 --> 00:56:02,609
♪ She like the way that I rock ♪

999
00:56:02,692 --> 00:56:04,361
♪ She like the way that I woo ♪

1000
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:06,237
♪ And she let it clap for a-- ♪

1001
00:56:06,321 --> 00:56:08,365
-[music stops]
-Lock in.

1002
00:56:10,158 --> 00:56:12,077
Give me that Shaq dick.

1003
00:56:13,078 --> 00:56:16,081
And ladies,
we can't do nothing without y'all.

1004
00:56:16,581 --> 00:56:19,417
Y'all are the center of our universe.

1005
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:24,714
We are visual,
and you are our only visual.

1006
00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:27,550
So tonight, ladies,

1007
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:31,304
when you see him come out that bathroom…

1008
00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:33,681
You know him.

1009
00:56:34,516 --> 00:56:37,060
If he come out with Shaq's dick,

1010
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:41,314
ladies, we gonna need you
to be an actress tonight.

1011
00:56:41,981 --> 00:56:44,025
I need you to act.

1012
00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:49,197
I don't give a fuck how many times
you done seen this Vienna sausage…

1013
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,282
[audience laughing]

1014
00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:55,662
when he present that glizzy tonight,

1015
00:56:56,663 --> 00:56:59,791
when he show you that hot dog tonight,

1016
00:57:00,417 --> 00:57:03,378
when he bring out that frankfurter…

1017
00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:11,469
women, I want you to look at it
like it's exactly what you asked God for.

1018
00:57:12,429 --> 00:57:14,639
Lock eyes with the penis and say,

1019
00:57:14,722 --> 00:57:17,934
♪ Mustard! ♪

1020
00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:20,645
Thank y'all so much.
My name is Katt Williams.

1021
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:22,814
I appreciate y'all.

1022
00:57:22,897 --> 00:57:26,359
Since 1995, it's been an honor.
Thank y'all.

1023
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,027
♪ Actin' bad, but somebody gotta do it ♪

1024
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:30,530
♪ Got my foot up on the gas
But somebody gotta do it ♪

1025
00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:32,740
♪ Turn this TV off, turn this TV off ♪

1026
00:57:32,824 --> 00:57:34,993
♪ Ha, turn this TV off, turn this TV off ♪

1027
00:57:35,076 --> 00:57:37,203
♪ Ha, turn this TV off, turn this TV off ♪

1028
00:57:37,287 --> 00:57:40,123
♪ Ha, turn this TV off, turn this TV off ♪

1029
00:57:40,206 --> 00:57:42,584
♪ Ain't no other king
In this rap thing, they siblings ♪

1030
00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:45,044
♪ Nothing but my children
One shot, they disappearin' ♪

1031
00:57:45,128 --> 00:57:47,589
♪ I'm in a city where the flag
Be gettin' thrown like it was ♪

1032
00:57:47,672 --> 00:57:49,632
♪ Pass interference
Padlock around the building ♪

1033
00:57:49,716 --> 00:57:52,218
♪ Crash, pullin' up in unmarked truck
Just to play freeze tag ♪

1034
00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:54,179
♪ With a bone to pick
Like it was sea bass ♪

1035
00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:56,514
♪ So when I made it out
I made about 50K from a show ♪

1036
00:57:56,598 --> 00:57:58,975
♪ Trying to show the ropes
Before they hung from a rope ♪

1037
00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:01,769
♪ I'm prophetic
They only talk about it, how I get it ♪

1038
00:58:01,853 --> 00:58:04,105
♪ Only good for savin' face
Seen the cosmetics ♪

1039
00:58:04,189 --> 00:58:06,524
♪ How many heads
I gotta take to level my aesthetics? ♪

1040
00:58:06,608 --> 00:58:08,902
♪ Hurry up and get your muscle up
We out to plyometric ♪

1041
00:58:08,985 --> 00:58:11,237
♪ Ran up out of luck
Soon as I up the highest metric ♪

1042
00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:13,531
♪ The city just made it sweet
You could die, I bet it ♪

1043
00:58:13,615 --> 00:58:15,950
♪ They mouth get full of deceit
Let these cowards tell it ♪

1044
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:18,328
♪ Walk in New Orleans
With the etiquette of LA, yellin' ♪

1045
00:58:18,411 --> 00:58:20,914
♪ Mustard! ♪

1046
00:58:20,997 --> 00:58:22,457
♪ Oh, man ♪

1047
00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:24,918
♪ Actin' bad, but somebody gotta do it ♪

1048
00:58:25,001 --> 00:58:27,462
♪ Got my foot up on the gas
But somebody gotta do it ♪

1049
00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,589
♪ Ha, turn this TV off, turn this TV off ♪

1050
00:58:29,672 --> 00:58:31,966
♪ Ha, turn this TV off, turn this TV off ♪