He is the king of underground comedy,
Dr. Katt Williams!
KATT WILLIAMS
THE LAST REPORT
First of all, let me say thank you so much for this.
I appreciate this, my whole motherfucking journey…
My whole journey started
South Florida,
1995.
So the fact that this is where we are…
Full circle, I appreciate this.
This how I know
I'm the greatest comic living.
'Cause I got the best audience everywhere.
Some people have a couple of stars come.
We have all the stars come out. And tonight is no exception.
It's dark in here.
Y'all can't even see who in here.
You gonna be shocked.
Where's all the white people? Make some noise, white people.
What?
In this administration,
still hanging with niggas.
We appreciate that, white friends.
You knew it was gonna be diverse and equal and inclusive,
you came anyway.
Some of y'all are going to go to heaven just for that.
When you get up there, it's gonna be on the checklist.
"Did you hang with niggas?" Yup.
Where's all the Hispanics in the building? Where is mi familia?
Buenas noches!
I want y'all to know y'all are safe…
in this building tonight.
There will be no ice in this building of any kind.
Just the ice I'm wearing. That is it.
I told them, "Don't even put ice in the drinks."
I want everybody to feel comfortable.
Last but not least, the core of my very existence,
where's all the Black people in the building? Make some noise.
Battery in the back.
And the most important creation in all the known universe.
Where's the ladies in the building? Make some noise.
Yeah.
Y'all are the reason Florida is Florida.
Florida is known for orange juice and great pussy.
And orange juice gave up a long time ago
'cause the pussy's that good.
Yeah. My new shit,
giving credit,
not making people wait.
If you doing a great job going into 2026,
we gonna announce you doing a great job
so that you know it, and you can keep up the good work.
'Cause some of y'all doing great, you don't even know you doing great.
You don't even know.
Ladies have been kicking ass
all across the motherfucking globe,
and people ain't saying shit.
Women have flipped the script.
That's the good pussy dance.
Women have been doing a great job all across the globe.
Not some women, all women.
They handle certain shit.
There's no such thing as a woman saying,
"I don't have no eyelashes."
I don't give a fuck if she's starving to death, she got lashes.
They might not even be the right species.
She got a mountain alpaca and a desert llama together.
They don't even go together in nature.
Women did that shit.
No group chats, no emails, just one woman helping another woman.
Did you know that stinky pussy
is a thing of the past?
You can waft it when it smells nice.
Twenty-five years ago, stanky pussy was everywhere.
You couldn't walk down the street without smelling tuna fish.
Not today.
Women are fresh.
No more stanky pussy.
There's a man in here right now
sitting with the last stanky pussy in Florida.
He trying to get my attention. I won't look at him.
No, I'm just saying,
a lot of people doing a great job, they don't even know it.
Watch this.
Where's everybody 35 and over? Make some noise, 35 and over.
Y'all don't know how special y'all are.
100 years from now, they're gonna be writing books about you motherfuckers.
How the fuck did y'all do this shit?
Did you know if you're 35 and over, did you know that
you look better than anybody who has ever been your age
in the history of humankind?
The fuck?
Y'all look good.
You know you look good.
Some of y'all grandmothers at 29, bitch.
You know the fuck you look good.
"Your grandmama still got her baby hair?"
You 35 and over, you have done it.
You have already lived one life.
If it was a good life, put it in the books.
If it was fucked up, put it behind you and start all over again at 63, bitch.
You can do it.
Here's the future.
Where's 35 and under? Make some noise, 35 and under.
Yes, we love y'all.
We are counting on y'all.
All y'all gotta do is don't fuck up like we just fucked up in front of you.
That's it.
Certain simple shit, you don't even have to try.
Like, if you under 35, you can't afford to do no drugs at all.
Just smoke weed. It's the only thing you can trust.
You don't believe me? Easter and 4/20 was on the same day this year.
That's Jesus inviting me personally.
Weed is the only thing you can trust.
Back in the day, they used to say drugs was fun and dangerous.
Now they done took the fun the fuck out. It's just "and dangerous."
Can't do meth or molly.
It make your gums long and your teeth short.
What the fuck you gonna do with that?
You can't even take selfies, bitch.
Can't do the fentanyl, you'll die.
Can't drink the lean.
It eat up your liver and your spleen
and your esophagus.
Look at my white friends. "That is not your esophagus, Katt."
"You were doing so good."
Just saying they know these drugs is too strong.
They just too strong.
They got a rapper that's 1000 pounds. He addicted to lean.
He can't put down the cup, or the plate.
Or the spoon, or the fork.
They too strong.
Speaking of too strong,
look at that stool.
The stool is like, "You got to be shitting me."
"You gonna do the whole song on me, nigga?"
Take it down before he make me pay for his weight-loss treatments.
Just making a point.
This next question I'm gonna ask y'all
is the most important question in the whole universe.
I've been broke and I've been rich. This is the only thing that matters.
Make some noise if you are relatively healthy right now.
If you got your health,
if you got a God, you should thank him.
That's all that matters,
is your motherfucking health.
I don't give a fuck you got a billion dollars.
If you are throwing up and shitting at the same time,
you are broke, bitch.
Yeah.
Your health is what motherfucking matters.
And it don't take nothing for that motherfucker to leave.
I thought I was stronger than a motherfucker.
I found out I'm not even a little bit strong.
I got hit by two
kidney stones.
You know about a kidney stone?
That motherfucker is a crippler.
I didn't know what the fuck happened to me.
I was asleep and woke up to two kidney stones.
Both my legs shut off.
I was just at the end of the bed, shaped like a pretzel,
saying, "Not in my pajamas, Jesus!"
I didn't know what to tell the doctor. I think I peed two firecrackers.
Take care of your motherfucking health.
Speaking of health,
whoever been naming these new medications,
you are kicking ass.
Keep up the good work. It's good for white people and niggas.
All of these new medications sound like some shit you want to take.
My commercial, I heard Rinvokin.
I don't even know what that cures, bitch,
but I don't mind ordering that at Walgreens.
"Where's my Rinvokin?"
Sound like something you named your penis. "You ready for the Rinvokin?"
Hit it with the "Horyuken."
All the names is cool. The next one was Skyrizi.
Bitch, that's fly as shit.
That was my nickname in middle school, "Sky Rizzy."
'Cause I would do a skyhook and look at girls.
The best one is Tremfya.
That was my nickname for hot pussy. I love trim fire.
She got that trim fire!
But even they drugs is too strong.
I told y'all three years ago, Ozempic had Hollywood in a choke hold.
I ain't lie.
Y'all seen Oprah? She got the body of a 12-year-old boy.
She ain't never even been a 12-year-old boy.
That shit is strong.
Gayle look like she ain't had a bowel movement
since she came back from space.
Her and the wig look confused.
Lil Rel say he didn't even take Ozempic, he just heard about it.
He went down to his baby weight.
He's what? Nine pounds, six ounces?
Nigga's built like a cricket now.
How did you lose weight in your head, knees…
shoulders, and toes?
Shoulders and toes.
Five years ago, we talked about the side effect
being worse than the shit they were curing.
This month, I heard this.
The medication for eczema
said the side effect
is severe skin reactions.
"Bitch, that's what the fuck I came to you for!"
"You took away my eczema and gave me shingles?"
"Bitch, I am still itching!"
It's gonna get worse.
I'm gonna say everything I'm not supposed to say tonight.
Just so you know.
The world has changed.
The world has motherfucking changed. Used to be…
Used to be you told a story, people would be like, "Is that true?"
Now they don't give a fuck if it's true.
If it's, "Is it derogatory?"
Yes, bitch, it probably is derogatory.
But it's true, though.
I just had to tell my people what the fuck is really going on.
And we are living in a special time. I mean a special fucking time.
Like, you can really do anything right about now.
I don't give a fuck what's wrong with you. You can fucking make it.
Like, even if you cross-eyed,
you can make it.
Did you understand that even if you cross-eyed?
Take that down before I get a knock on my door.
That man is the director
of the FBI.
He can do that, you can do anything.
Cross-eyed and the director of the FBI?
You can't even be an eyewitness.
He working on everybody's case?
He can work on my case. I'll be in front of the judge.
"Your Honor, he looks distracted."
I was talking about health.
The most important health
is your motherfucking mental health.
How the fuck is you doing up here? Make some noise if you doing good up here.
That's what the fuck matters.
You got to protect your motherfucking mental health.
That shit is fragile.
Once it go, it's gone.
And they don't give a fuck who you are.
Once it go, it's gone.
You need your fucking mental health,
and I found out some shit they did not tell us.
And I can't wait to tell y'all, so y'all can treat yourself better.
Some of y'all be way too mean to yourself in the fucking brain.
You say some really fucked-up things to yourself.
This is what they found out.
They found out your brain don't know when you bullshitting.
Let me say it again.
Your brain don't know when you bullshitting.
So if you tell your brain, "I'm sick,"
your brain don't do no research at all.
It just say, "I guess we sick."
You got to be nicer to your motherfucking self.
'Cause this shit go like that.
And I found out when it come to mental health,
I can't speak on nobody's mental health but my own.
'Cause every time I done spoke on somebody else's mental health,
I've been wrong, wrong, wrong.
I was the first person in the streets screaming,
"Free Britney Spears! Free Britney Spears!"
"Free Britney Spears!"
Then they freed Britney and scared all of us.
That baby need a conservatorship. Is she okay?
It could happen to anybody.
I fucked around and said Wendy Williams was Bigfoot.
And they believed me and left that bitch in the woods for real.
Go get her!
She out there, "How you doing?"
She is talking to a squirrel.
Mental health.
Don't play with it.
It even got Lil Nas X.
He went down the wrong old town road.
And he had all the distress signals for a Black man.
He had on a cowboy hat,
cowboy boots,
white underwear.
Look at my white friends. "So what?"
I'll tell you a Negro secret.
A nigga ain't wore tighty-whities since slavery, bitch.
That is a cry for help!
We don't even know where you buy those.
He got them pulled all high showing his whole vagina.
Stop it. Don't do that.
Don't encourage me.
I'm just saying don't forget to love your motherfucking self.
Don't forget that. Be nicer to your motherfucking self.
That's why I'm always so confident in all situations.
'Cause if I see a mirror, I lie to the mirror.
Every time I see me I go,
"Nigga, did you get a growth spurt today?"
"You looking 5'11" today."
It's important what go on in your brain.
And I just hope for 19 of you…
that you are just one change away
from your shit shifting motherfucking gears.
And that's how quick it can happen.
Just one last change, bam, you shift gears.
Yeah. And I don't give a fuck what the change is. Just do it.
You might have to change your name.
You've been Shaquita for 33 years, bitch. Shit is not working for you.
Go back to the drawing board. Start at the A's.
You could be Amber, Amy, Abigail.
Sometimes it's just a name. I'm gonna give you an example.
We got people from all different races, colors, and creeds in the building.
Make some noise if you know all the seasonings.
That means you know all the herbs and spices
from oregano and thyme, all the way to rosemary and saffron.
Make some noise if you know all the…
Look at my white friends. "We know them."
Okay.
Since we got everybody in here.
Has anybody ever seen paprika growing in the wild?
You ever seen wild paprika?
Nobody?
'Cause there ain't no paprika.
Look at the Black people. "What?"
"Well, what the fuck we been putting on deviled eggs then, nigga?"
"You can't just say this shit."
There is no paprika.
Ain't no paprika plant, no paprika bush, no paprika tree.
Paprika is dried-up, ground-up bell peppers.
Look at the white people. "I don't even like bell peppers."
Yes, you do.
They just had to change the name.
Walked in bell peppers, walked out Paprika Jenkins.
Couldn't keep it on the shelf.
She sounds exotic.
Now some of y'all may know
I do not travel the globe
talking about no motherfucking seasonings.
In my spare time,
I infiltrate the Illuminati,
find out what the fuck they got going on,
get the information,
run back to y'all,
tell y'all everything I know.
That's my motherfucking job.
And…
y'all treat me wonderfully.
But I don't know
how many more times I'm going to be able to…
sneak in there.
Thanks to Shannon Sharpe and 90 million views,
I can't sneak very often.
So while I was in there this last time,
knowing that my last report might be my last report,
I went in there and I got information for everybody.
Information, I got
for everybody.
Look at my white friends.
"Us too?"
That's right, white secrets.
Okay, so because of the climate and the temperature of…
Goddamn it, shoelaces.
That's the only thing about being short.
They made these shoelaces for a seven-foot nigga.
All right.
Back to my Illuminati information.
All right, I'm gonna do it quick and I'm gonna be moving around
for my own safety.
White friends, here come y'alls first.
For 50 years, y'all been wondering
what the fuck happened to JFK.
I went in there and watched the VCR tape myself.
I can't tell you what I saw, white friends,
but I'll show you the part you missed.
Moving right along.
Okay.
Every time I go in there, I be thinking
they hate some of us more than others.
But when I find out the information, I find out they hate all of us.
They just lie to all of us.
They don't see no difference. Just lie to all of us.
Here's a perfect example.
Did you know that for 35 years
they've been telling us we are at war
with cholesterol?
That cholesterol is the silent killer?
All our doctors told us our cholesterol was too motherfucking high,
and we needed to get it down low.
Guess what they found out and didn't tell us?
Did you know…
Did you know your brain is 100% cholesterol?
Your whole brain is cholesterol, bitch.
So congratulations.
Some of y'all cholesterol lower than a bitch.
You did it.
They don't be giving a fuck. They just be making money.
They put motherfucking fluoride in our water.
And then I found out…
You know it was never not one study
that ever said that fluoride was good for our teeth and our motherfucking bones
because it's a toxic fucking chemical
and could never be good for teeth or fucking bones?
Bitch!
But the truth is,
'cause of the shit I'm likely to say,
I done really stepped in it this time.
I can tell 'cause everybody turned against me.
Them streets is dangerous for me.
So many motherfuckers came at me, I had to check myself
and see what the fuck I had done.
I went back and watched shit for myself.
I went and saw the Shannon Sharpe interview.
I was flabbergasted.
"This nigga's vicious."
"He didn't have to say all that."
All they want me to do is shut the fuck up.
That's it.
But I was just mistaken.
I thought they was just gonna laugh it off.
They did not…
laugh it off.
I can't even go to SeaWorld
'cause I said one guy looked like a walrus.
Now they won't even let me in there.
I said another guy couldn't read. I didn't have to say that.
I could have said he don't read well.
I had on a "fuck you" shirt. He didn't acknowledge it.
I assumed he couldn't read.
I was only talking about a couple people.
But I should have shut the fuck up
'cause I didn't know how many people it applied to.
I was talking about a couple men in dresses.
Now every man that ever wore a dress can't stand my guts.
Soon as they see me coming,
they just grab their purse and walk the other…
This shit cost me.
Everybody turned against me.
Even 50 Cent turned against me.
You don't want him as an enemy.
But I couldn't be shook
'cause I remembered I never done nothing to him in my life.
Then I got offended.
Wait a minute, motherfucker.
You got a head like a square.
You would cross me?
Only two square-headed men have made it in Hollywood. You and Herman Munster.
Nigga, I will not be bullied.
But they came after your boy.
I thought they misunderstood my job.
My job is see something, say something. That's my motherfucking job.
They always taking my shit out of context.
A lot of the times I'd be concerned.
They act like I was talking shit about a comedy legend of ours.
I wasn't talking shit. I was fucking concerned.
The man said he did not have a stroke.
And then that should have been the end of it.
And instead, they made this nigga do 32 interviews.
In every interview, he is showing every symptom of a stroke.
Ain't nobody saying shit.
They just, "Come on out!"
And I'm at the house, like, "This is wrong!"
The fuck is we talking about, "Did he have a stroke?" "Did he"?
Look like he had several strokes. Upstroke, downstroke, backstroke.
Everything but a stroke of luck.
I was concerned.
I'm not allowed to say shit even if I see shit.
'Cause Hollywood is too motherfucking strong.
They want you to make it, you gonna make it.
They don't give a fuck.
Even if you was allegedly
riddled with herpes,
they'll still have you in Vegas feeding bitches fruit and shit, just…
I done said too much. I did.
Ain't nobody finna say shit?
All our women coming back from Vegas with two bumps on their lip,
don't wanna fuck.
Fuck it!
Fellas, your woman does not love fruit like that.
You don't believe me, when y'all get back home
just pop up from behind the couch, just…
"Stop playing with the fruit, Gerald. That's the kids' lunch fruit."
But I just gotta shut the fuck up.
'Cause Hollywood is too strong.
They play by their own rules.
They don't play by my rules.
P. Diddy just got four years
for taking 37 asses.
Let me do the math.
Took 37 asses!
Four years.
Meanwhile, they tried to give me the same four years for two blunts
I had no intention of smoking in the first place.
They were purely ornamental.
Same four years.
'Cause they play by different rules.
That man was facing ass-trafficking charges.
For trafficking ass.
Why they only gave him four years?
Because liking dick
and being a devil worshiper ain't against the law.
They heard prostitution
and thought there was some vaginas
that needed to be saved.
The judge said, "Bring out the nine prostitutes."
And nine big-dick niggas walked out.
Judge said,
"Order. He's fine. Give him four years."
"It's not a crime. He just likes penis."
He liked penis so much,
they sent him to the place with the most penis.
Right now, he is happily paying for his crime.
I'm not gonna be scared for four years.
P. Diddy got his lawyers lying.
"He's going to be a changed man when he come out."
Is he?
"Yes, he started Good Boy Records and everything."
He's not saying, "Take that." He's saying, "Give back, give back."
That's the last thing I'm gonna to say.
I ain't talking about shit else.
Just know sometimes
my heart be in the motherfucking right place
and I just get tricked.
Sometimes, I believe shit that ain't right.
Like I thought Mike Tyson was gonna whoop the shit
out that young white gentleman.
I believed that shit.
I had a party, invited my ancestors over and everything.
We had chips and dip and unnecessary regalia.
I just want to see Mike Tyson, the beast, the monster,
in the motherfucking ring again.
I knew early in the evening
something was wrong.
I had to put my blunt out for only the fourth time
without the police's presence.
I looked up, Mike had his whole ass out.
The fuck!
I said pay-per-view, not OnlyFans, bitch.
You don't have my consent to show me this.
The fight hadn't even started.
I had put my money on this nigga.
I had to rationalize for him. I said some stupid shit.
I said, "I know he ain't finna lose
with his ass out."
Boy, was I wrong.
They called Mike Tyson out.
Mike Tyson came to the ring like Joe Biden on his way to a helicopter.
I said, "Who the fuck is that?!"
They was like, "It's Mike Tyson!" "No, the fuck it ain't!"
Looked like he was fighting gravity.
But that's the new thing about the world we live in.
You can take the pressure off yourself.
Just do the best job you can possibly do.
'Cause you either gonna win spectacular,
or you gonna lose spectacular.
Your job is just make sure it's spectacular.
And you can take a spectacular L.
Kamala Harris showed us that shit.
She took her L like a champ.
We ain't never seen no shit like that.
They tried to act like nobody voted for Kamala.
They put up the map. The whole map was red.
Even the people that voted for her was red.
They showed her house. It was 50-50.
It ain't but two of y'all in there.
They tried to blame everybody. They blamed Black men.
It was not our fault.
Blame anybody else.
No Indians voted for her at all.
Even women that wanted an abortion said,
"I guess I'll just have to figure something out."
They said she didn't have enough electoral college votes to graduate.
At one point in the election, Katt Williams had more votes.
That's where we were as a country.
Everybody asking the same question.
"Is she Black?"
"Is she Black?" "Is she Black?"
At the end, she showed you exactly what she was.
It was time for her concession speech.
She ain't even show up.
That's a nigga right there. We should have never doubted it.
She just rolled by with her pinky finger in the air, just…
But that's the best part about America.
In America, it don't matter who you choose,
'cause we all gonna pay the price together.
That's what make it gambling.
We gonna pay the price together. No matter what it is.
You don't want this one? Fine.
Well, who's up next?
That's right.
Don't be complaining about who's up next.
Just 'cause it happened to be Donald J. Darth Vader Trump.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck what you think about him.
That motherfucker is exciting!
That motherfucking Trump, you do not know what he finna do tomorrow.
No, the fuck you don't.
All you know is he gonna do something.
He's been president before.
This time he was not bullshitting.
He been in office 200 days. He done done 200 things.
Good things, bad things. Who gives a fuck?
Things.
He do his shit today and figure out what the fuck he just did
tomorrow.
Yeah.
He found out all you got to do is think about it,
research it, make it happen.
In this term, he said, "Get research the fuck out of here."
"We will not be needing your services."
He don't give a fuck.
If it makes sense to him, it makes sense.
First thing he did is come in and fired all the wrong people.
Fired a thousand people at the Nuclear Security Administration.
The next day, he said, "Well, what did they do?"
"They took care of the bombs, Mr. President."
"Well, get them the fuck back in here!"
"You know I didn't mean them. I meant TSA, the one with the shoes."
Trump don't give a fuck.
He do it today, figure it out tomorrow.
He fired thousands of people at the FAA.
And then 14 planes landed upside down in 14 days.
Y'all didn't say shit. "Sometimes they land like that."
"No, they don't!"
If it makes sense to him, it makes sense.
He don't think like everybody else.
They told him only 28%
of our eighth graders can read.
He said,
"Who gave the test?"
"The Department of Education."
"Well, get them the fuck out of here!"
"Take them books with them."
How the fuck we gonna fail a test we don't take, bitch?
Ain't nobody funnier than this guy.
It might look like he don't know what he doing.
He be knowing what the fuck he doing.
He got us in five wars at one time.
We all had five wars. One time.
Here's the brilliant part.
None of the nations that we are at war with,
none of them
got an army.
He's just over there bullying. "Shut the fuck up."
"Y'all ain't got no guns here."
"Don't give a fuck about your maple syrup, Canada."
If you're a comedian,
you ain't never seen nobody funnier than this.
And he don't give a fuck if he already said one thing.
He don't mind changing it,
when he needs to change it.
Trump said, "I will absolutely
show you the Epstein files."
Then they showed him the files. He said, "Bitch, is that my name?"
"You got me fucked up. You better…"
Ever since…
Ever since "Grab her by the pussy,"
I thought he could never say anything else
make me put my blunt out.
This month,
allegedly,
he said
he spoke with the president
of Puerto Rico
and the Virgin Islands.
My whole brain scrambled.
"Sir, you are the president
of Puerto Rico
and the Virgin Islands."
So the question is,
who the fuck was you talking to?
JD Vance was in a corner. "This is Puerto Rico, sir."
Trump is just funny.
He didn't even know who Bad Bunny was.
He said, "I don't think a Hispanic rabbit
should be at the Super Bowl."
From the outside looking in,
it would seem like this country should be at its most divided.
But I promise you,
the reason this is the greatest country in the world
is because we are the United States of America,
heavy on the "united," regardless of what we believe.
And the whole thing is, as a family of different colors,
we gonna need each other coming up.
They're not telling you that shit.
You gonna have to depend on somebody
that don't look like you.
Yeah.
See, we are scheduled to starve to death,
unless we work together.
For the first time in 400 years,
it's gonna be no Hispanics in the field
to pick the fruits and the vegetables and the crops
that we all eat and enjoy.
So that mean the next group
got to step up,
get in the fields…
pick these crops.
Look at Black people.
I don't speak for all Black people, but I do speak for all niggas.
Niggas ain't never going back to the field.
If Jesus come back, we'll have to explain it to him.
"Get out of there, Lord and Savior."
We got 400 years of credit out there.
We don't even pick Fruit Roll-Ups.
So that mean for the first time
in 400 years,
there's not gonna be no Hispanics
and no Blacks in the field
to pick the fruits and vegetables
that we all enjoy.
That mean the next group,
got to step up,
get in them fields.
Look at my white friends.
That's right, white friends!
It's your turn!
We need you now!
Come on, white friends!
You can do this shit.
I want you to get as much sunscreen as you can legally find.
We gonna need you to be out there for 45 minutes to an hour at a time.
We need you, white friends.
And don't worry, it ain't gonna be fucked up like Black slavery.
You ain't gonna have to do it by yourself.
We gonna be out there supporting you, white friends.
Giving you words of affirmation and positive messages.
We gonna be playing white Negro spirituals.
"Doing a great job, Rebecca."
"Put your back into it. There you go."
"Can I get some oranges on aisle 26, please? Goddamn!"
Just saying we all gonna need each other.
Yeah.
Life is too hard
for us to be divided.
I found out from traveling all across this great nation.
A lot of people do some great motherfucking work.
They don't get no credit.
This whole country is built on the backs of farmers.
Farmers is our motherfucking lifeblood.
The people that got a farm, that's who run the fucking country.
Feeding everybody.
That's a hard job.
That shit is not easy.
I don't give a fuck how much money you got.
You ain't ready for that motherfucking farm life.
And when I say "you,"
I mean me.
I did not know that shit was gangster like that.
It's hard as fuck.
I hurry up, bought a hundred-acre farm.
Got off the grid,
then found out what the fuck the grid was.
What the fuck did I get off the grid for, bitch? I need the grid.
I found out I'm not cut out for this motherfucking farm life.
I bought all the animals that was delicious.
A hundred chickens, a hundred turkeys, a hundred ducks, a hundred rabbits,
a hundred cows, a hundred sheep, a hundred pigs.
Everything that made a crackling, I bought it.
I done had this farm for four years.
We ain't killed a motherfucking animal yet.
I don't know how you do this shit.
"I'm supposed to eat these? These are my friends, bitch."
"I done name them. I talk to them. You want me to eat Cash and Kaya, bitch?"
Done had this farm four years. We still DoorDashing Popeyes and shit.
The chickens cutting off the DoorDasher.
Might as well call it Puss-Ass Farms.
I don't care how delicious they are. They are as cute as they are delicious.
If you can kill a baby goat, your ass is a monster.
That motherfucker don't do nothing but be happy to be alive all day long.
Just…
I'm crying with mint jelly in my hands.
Yeah.
Be easy on yourself.
That was my motherfucking point.
Some shit be easier than you think.
I'm lucky 'cause I don't have to fight by myself.
I got a God that love me.
Like, he take care of me.
'Cause he know I'm slow.
So he treat me like I'm slow.
Yeah. That works for me.
He just be blessing me out of nowhere.
I don't know where it's going to come from or nothing.
And it be real miracles.
Like…
Like, last year I was doing this thing where I was drinking these exotic teas.
Every day before a show and after a show,
drinking these motherfucking hundred-dollar-a-cup cups of tea and shit,
and put the honey in it.
And my friend was like, "I got some special honey I'm gonna send you."
And I was like, "Yes." And I got the special honey.
I started putting it in the tea every day,
and I'm feeling stronger and stronger and shit.
I'm not knowing what the fuck is happening.
And I found out this nigga done sent me dick-hard honey.
I didn't know. I thought the Lord was really answering my prayers.
"He hath rejuvenated and restoreth me."
'Cause here's the whole thing.
This final group of people in here,
nobody never say nothing good about them,
but they've been doing a great job too, and I'm part of them.
Where's all the men in the building? Make some noise if you a man.
Keep up the good work.
We know how hard it is. You doing a great motherfucking job.
Not 19 of you, but the rest of you, doing a great job.
Keep up the good work.
For the men in the audience,
I'm gonna say something
that'll uplift you.
'Cause that rarely happens.
They found out something medically,
and they don't want to fucking tell y'all.
But I'm gonna fucking tell you.
They found out that all the evil men in the world
throughout history
all got one thing in common.
They all got a micropenis.
All of them.
R. Kelly, P. Diddy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, all of them.
Yep!
And a micropenis is any penis
three inches or less
when it's hard.
We wondering why these men be so evil.
You'd be evil too if you had a dick the size of a Now and Later, bitch.
Every time you pull your pants down, somebody laugh.
Even when you alone.
So, fellas,
thank God
you didn't have to walk that.
Be grateful
you ain't got no motherfucking micropenis.
So now,
for the fellas, I hope you are just one truth away
from your life shifting.
And it can happen. It happened to me. I heard one thing.
It changed my life forever.
I heard one truth, and it changed everything.
And I'm going to share it with the men in here,
so you know it don't just relate to me.
It relate to all of us.
Two women told me
that my dick
was bigger than Shaq's.
Let me say that again for the people in the back.
Don't look at it right now. That's embarrassing.
Two women told me
my dick
was bigger than Shaq's.
Now, it don't matter
if it's true or not.
Soon as I heard it,
my life changed.
Like, I mean, instantly.
My spine got strong, my walk was different.
I walked like I had Shaq's dick.
'Cause now I know my dick
is bigger than Shaq's.
Now fellas, what does that have to do with you?
You know your penis is allegedly, probably, maybe bigger than mine!
So what does that mean?
That means all our dick…
bigger than Shaq's.
And now you got to act like it
'cause you heard it.
That's right.
Fellas, if God done bless you with a vagina in your life,
don't you bring out no regular dick tonight.
She gonna be looking.
Tonight, when you come out that bathroom, you come out with Shaq's dick.
Don't even do no foreplay, just slam dunk on the pussy.
Lock in.
Give me that Shaq dick.
And ladies, we can't do nothing without y'all.
Y'all are the center of our universe.
We are visual, and you are our only visual.
So tonight, ladies,
when you see him come out that bathroom…
You know him.
If he come out with Shaq's dick,
ladies, we gonna need you to be an actress tonight.
I need you to act.
I don't give a fuck how many times you done seen this Vienna sausage…
when he present that glizzy tonight,
when he show you that hot dog tonight,
when he bring out that frankfurter…
women, I want you to look at it like it's exactly what you asked God for.
Lock eyes with the penis and say,
"Mustard!"
Thank y'all so much. My name is Katt Williams.
I appreciate y'all.
Since 1995, it's been an honor. Thank y'all.