My name is Frank.
I've had a great life, a family, lots of friends, adventures,
but I'm ready for a change.
One last shot at finding true love.
I'm hoping this is it.
Thank you. Hi.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you and good evening, Bachelor nation.
I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome
to The Golden Bachelor season finale.
Of course, we are coming to you live from Los Angeles
as Frank's journey to find the love of his life
comes to a dramatic conclusion.
Now admittedly, the crew nor the producers were prepared
to host a Bachelor as eccentric
as Frank Reynolds.
In fact, this is the first season in Bachelor history
where we considered ending the entire franchise altogether.
But, boy, are we glad we didn't,
because Frank captured our hearts,
and tonight is the moment we've all been waiting for.
Will Frank find true love again?
All I can say is that you'll have to see it to believe it.
So let's take a look back at the season's highlights
where Frank started in a very different place
than where we find him today.
Let's get this show on the road.
Can't wait to find a Grade A, prime cut piece of ****.
To love.
Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher around the edges than we're accustomed to.
All right, so where are all the broads?
I dropped a couple of blueys.
This baby's got about a half hour
to perform like, pew,
and then that's it. So, let's hurry up.
Okay, the first car is arriving now.
Okay, all right, good. The first car.
Oh, my God, I'm getting a chubby.
Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Ooh. Here it comes. I'm anticipating this...
Oh, let's see, yeah.
- Uh, nope. - Excuse me?
- No. No. Nope. - Frank, Frank.
Pass, pass, pass, it's a pass.
You can walk by. You can keep on going.
Just walk on by. That's it.
Next, next, next. Bring the next one in.
- Uh-uh. - Frank.
No, no. Absolutely not.
No, no. Pass on. Next. Let's go to the next one.
Next one, this is not working out. What's going on?
Frank, there's a time for this. It's just not right now.
All right, bring the next one on, bring the next one on.
I'm starting to get nervous.
What do we got?
Holy... Oh...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, pass, pass, pass.
Are all these whores gonna be this old?
Why did I do this? I don't know what's the matter with me.
What the **** did I do?
Everyone that got out of the car, I mean, they were, like, crackling.
I mean, you could hear their **** crackling.
- It was like, just, old meat. - Frank,
honestly, you didn't understand the premise of this show?
Well, I knew there would be a couple of duds,
but I thought you Hollywood people were all about diversity.
Well, there's gonna be women of every ethnicity here.
Age. Diversity of age.
Frank, the show's called The Golden Bachelor.
Golden Bachelor, my ****.
I'm **** out of here unless I find something
coming out of that car that I like.
You gotta do something.
- You ever watch TikTok? - Yeah, of course.
Well, you ever... you ever hear of Cock Chewa?
- Cock Chewa? - Cock Chewa...
And so in a series of Golden Bachelor firsts,
we caved into Frank's demands.
I saw this trash on TikTok.
Her name was Cock Chewa.
Her catchphrase was, "Chew on that thang."
I had to have her.
My heart's beating a mile a minute.
Let's see what happens.
Oh, oh, oh.
What's coming out?
Oh! It's her. That's her. That's her!
Hey, y'all!
- Chew on that thang. - Chew on that thang!
- Chew on that thang. - Okay. She's it. She's the one.
- Wait, what? What? - I picked her.
- Yeah, she's it. Okay, that's it. - Wait, what?
- I choose her. Yes. - I get paid for this, right?
Yeah, the game's over. We can take her.
No, no, no, Frank. It's only the first episode, okay?
We have to go through this whole process,
otherwise there can't be a show.
- All right, well, you get paid. - Yeah.
It's the first night,
so you're gonna have to wait a little while
- to chew on that thang. - Chew on that thang.
- Okay, let's just keep it moving here.
Oh, baby, am I boned up. Okay, here let's go.
Okay. Okay.
All right.
Oops, I thought you said we were done with the old ones.
Uh, hi. Very nice to see you, you know. But no.
- But no. Okay, so anyway, pass. - Oh.
But, you know, go on inside and keep warm.
I'll get you out of here ASAP.
You're kidding me. This cretin is the bachelor?
I got better looking boils.
That was a good one. You got me there. You got me there.
Well, maybe I'll keep this one around just to entertain me.
She got me with that... That was very...
She's good. Let's lump her in with the other one.
We'll see how it goes. That was funny. She was pretty funny.
Oh. Oh. What's this? I thought I said no dudes.
Oh, I have an Amazon Prime delivery for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.
- Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me. - Okay.
Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, this... Thank you.
Oh, my, my, that was so fast.
Amazon Prime deliveries are so fast.
Frank, what are you doing? You can't bring your own plugs.
Yeah... I... No, we... No plugs. Their items are very meaningful to me.
I am fired up about Chewy. That's a broad I could spend my life with.
And the other one's good too. They both got mouths on 'em.
One's an on-ramp, one's an off-ramp.
I'm leaning toward the 20-year-old.
Since Frank had already chosen his final two,
we had to get creative with the situations we put them in.
So, uh, where you from?
Gang, gang.
Chew, chew.
Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.
That's a butthole.
Thank you, y'all. Thank you.
What's that? What are you doing?
I'm making money on a live stream.
- Huh? - Gang, gang.
You're making...
So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.
- Well, what kind of music do you like? - Thank you.
The conversation was a little rough.
I didn't know what the hell she was doing with the phone.
I guess people pay her to respond to emojis?
I was losing my patience.
Gang, gang. Chew, chew. Chew.
Look, if we don't bang soon, I'm gonna boot you off the show.
- Well, that worked like a charm. - All right.
We banged three times that night.
And on some kind of OnlyFans live stream thing.
Made 12 grand. It was incredible.
Except for the chewing.
That was weird as hell.
I-I thought it was more of a catch phrase than an actual method.
Where the **** is he?
- Wow. I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, hey.
I had to dump out big time.
Oh, well, that makes two of us.
Just got here myself.
Took the liberty of ordering us the seafood linguine.
- Oh. Strong choice. I like that. - Uh-huh.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
So... Hmm. Mm-mmm.
What now?
Ah. Well...
we could get the linguine to go, go back to your place.
I would say we bang at my place,
but I don't want you hanging around after.
- You get it. - What makes you think I'm gonna bang you?
All right, we bang after dinner.
- Eh, make love. - Hmm.
Yeah. So what's your deal? Were you ever married?
If you must know.
My husband's dead.
You knock him off?
They say he got chomped in two by a great white
while he was snorkeling off the coast of Maine.
Ooh, wicked.
Personally, I think he was smuggling drugs down from Canada,
got chainsawed by some cartel.
They only found the bottom half.
Nasty.
Mmm. Nasty business.
Did you keep the dong?
Of course I did.
I had it pickled and put in a jar.
- Yeah. - Wow...
That's what I would have wanted.
- Hmm. - Wow. Beautiful.
Hmm.
I have to say I enjoyed the conversation.
We talked all night, didn't even bang.
Which is probably better because my cock was chewed to ****.
So Frank was left with a dilemma.
Who was he gonna choose?
And for that he turned to his family.
But in a bizarre turn of events,
the producers learned that his family was not his family at all.
He had hired actors to play them.
These people are maniacs. You don't understand.
I was afraid they were gonna embarrass me on national television.
So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him.
It was time to go to his hometown:
Philadelphia. The birthplace of our nation.
Could it be the birthplace of a new love?
Things were off to a rocky start.
I was terrified to have Sam and Chewy meet the gang.
But I have to admit, they played it really cool.
Well, here we are.
I'm so excited to see Frank.
Oh, I'm just excited to meet the ladies.
If Frank likes them, I'll like them.
Wonder where they are.
I, too, am feeling things.
Well, speak of the dev... Uh, speak of Frank.
- Hello. - Hi. Hi.
- Well, here we are. - Uh-huh.
- Yeah. - Oh.
I was really nervous that you guys were gonna be mad
about the whole fake family thing.
Oh.
- Frank, forget it, huh? - Oh, no. Please, we get it.
- I don't care. - You were nervous.
- Yeah. - I'm passed that.
Yeah, I want you to know how happy we are for both of you and for Frank.
- Well, thank you. - We just want what's best for everyone.
- That's right. - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Frank, should we take your dates and get to know them a little better?
Oh.
Okay. Uh, all right. Play nice.
Well, we always play nice. - He's a funny guy, right?
- He's so funny. - A joker.
Okay, listen, bitch. You are not getting the money.
Yeah, you're too old to have a baby.
And if you try and adopt, so help me God,
we will snuff that thing out like a cigarillo.
Hmm. You're on television.
Please.
I think we all know Disney's never gonna air this.
- No, but you will have heard it. - What?
So listen to me and listen good.
You are not getting our money.
I have my own money.
You do?
Explain yourself.
I got chicken money and plenty of it too.
So whatever Frank's got, he can just keep it.
I made my own fortune on the backs of others.
I don't need to be pulling it out of an old man's pocket.
- Chicken money. - Chicken money, huh?
The chicken money comment was a bit of a relief, you know?
- Not that I trust her. - Well, no, that's true.
We're not really the trusting kind, you know?
But if she does have this so-called "chicken money",
then we wouldn't mind, uh...
Wetting our beaks.
Did you see that? I didn't have to say it.
She-She walked right into it.
Dee's a bird.
Uh... ...Chewy. May I call you Chewy?
- Yeah. - Chewy, we are a vibe.
And we need to know how you're gonna fit in.
You know, I think it's important that whoever
we bring into the fold fits with our dynamic.
Oh, I love the gays. I'll chew on that thang.
That doesn't make any sense. Moreover, it sickens me.
What is this? How is this gonna work?
Like, there's no room for you on my couch, man.
- There's just not. - Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie.
I don't want to pick one. I don't understand why Frank did this.
If he was unhappy, why didn't he come to me?
You ruined this, okay? I need it to go back to the way that it was.
Well, he's not gonna just chew on that thang.
Whatever y'all want. What does that mean?
Why does she keep saying it?
I'd seen all I needed to see.
I mean, we-we couldn't run the risk of one of these women
becoming a major player in our lives.
We need to bring in someone Frank might go for,
but who we know we can control.
A woman with no personal ambitions
but who Frank could also bang.
Guys, I believe I have the first line.
- Uh, announcement. - Announce. Just an announcement.
- It's just a natural conversation. - Yes.
- He just has to talk first. - Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment.
- Well, you're Mac. - I'm Mac.
- Well, he's just welcoming. - Yeah.
This is Dennis, and this is our apartment.
- Yes. - And we do a lot of hosting.
- That's right. - And we are not a couple.
- No. - But our living arrangement is
- perfectly age appropriate. - But he is gay.
- Well, he is gay. - Well... ...Goddamn it.
And I am gay.
Uh, I believe I may have snapped at Dennis and hit him a little bit...
- Yeah, a little bit too hard. - ...too hard.
And also the fact that you're gay is inconsequential because...
- It's playful. - Yes.
...that's gonna make it sound like maybe I'm not.
- Chew on that thang. - What?
She's not supposed to say that, right?
Is that it? That's all she can say?
- The vocab is limited. - Good.
- Yeah. - I'ma barf on it.
- What? - What?
That's not your line.
- What are you... What are you doing? - What is she...
Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase that I do, you know what I mean?
- She's kidding. You're kidding. - Barf on that thing, y'all.
- That's playful. - Oh, no.
Well, no, no, no.
Should I have a catchphrase? I don't approve of this union.
Let's keep this evening about Frank, okay?
And not have... We don't have... Nobody has any catchphrases.
We-we're just... Uh, I'm gonna raise a toast... Um...
to these two wonderful women and to an impossible choice.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Oh.
- My, my. Who could that be? - Oh. What's this?
Goddamn it.
Hey... Oh, Miss... Ms. Kelly.
- Mom. - My God. Well, what brings you here?
To be a slut and to marry Frank.
That was...
Oh.
Really? Oh, good. Dennis, did you put her up to this?
What do you mean? She just came over.
Already I have to deal with two sluts and now a third?
Start over, Mac! Start over.
♪ yeah!
Now the stakes were even higher with a third woman in the mix,
but luckily for Frank,
he'd have the fantasy suites to help him make up his mind.
This was the hardest decision of my life. What's the order?
Do I go Chewy first and work my way to Bonnie through Sam?
Or do I run the risk of being gnawed to a stump and have to heal?
I was feeling so many things.
And then, I had an idea.
Frank, there is no way Disney is ever gonna go with that.
It's what I want.
No, Frank, we have to stagger them.
I'll handle that once we're in the middle of it.
Look, you wanna join us?
I don't love it, but no eye contact and we're good.
All right. Let's go ahead. Let's go.
Ha! Let's go, ladies.
We're gonna do kind of a group situation.
Why don't you just come this way?
- There you go. There you go. - Yeah.
- O-Okay, listen to me, Frank. - Hey.
I'm no prude, right?
I mean, I was in the navy, right?
I took a whole destroyer full of torpedoes, you know?
That's pretty funny, Sam.
Yeah, but here's the thing:
I feel like I'm ready to settle down and, you know...
- ...I got feelings for-for-for you, Frank. - You do?
Yeah, you know. Ain't that something.
I-I gotta tell you a little story, right?
Well, I'm kind of on the clock here, you know?
Yeah, okay.
When I was a little girl,
I shortened my name to Sam and I told everybody,
"Ooh, I-I really liked that so much better,"
but I didn't.
I-I just thought that... Samantha, that's-that's too long for anybody to say.
So-So I changed my name, Frank, because I thought
that nobody would care enough to take the time to say the whole thing.
Oh, my God. Stupid, huh?
Well, you were a kid.
I lived my whole life that way.
And when I was busy pretending to be somebody that I wasn't,
you were living your life being exactly who you are.
I just love that about you, Frank.
And I kind of thought it was too late for me, but then,
you've shown me that it's never too late
to find your heart.
And your voice.
And your name.
I think I'm falling in love with you, Frank.
Yeah, I-I don't want to ruin that.
So, you know, I'm not going in there.
I'm-I'm gonna go.
Sam had struck a chord.
And now Frank had an even tougher decision to make.
Just what was he going to do?
Yeah, I mean, I took a shot, right?
And I-I think he's feeling the same things I am.
At least, I hope so, right?
Yeah.
What's it say?
Look, as much as Dennis wanted Frank to pick Bonnie,
we all knew he was gonna go with the 20-year-old, so...
I devised that prank to make sure she was cool.
The prank is this, when they fly us out there, we set off
one of those elephant toothpaste bombs in the mansion.
And then, if she likes it, she's in.
What the hell is that? - What is that?
Oh. It's-It's like a chemical reaction. Check it out.
- Cool, huh? - Oh. Yeah.
This is a good idea though, Mac. I could work with this.
- Yeah, that's gonna be fun. - Okay.
So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him.
Well, we've got them here with us tonight.
How do you guys feel about that?
Well...
The situation...
...under the circumstances is quite understandable.
Our appearance may seem gruesome, but all can be quite easily explained.
Oh. Indeed.
- Yeah. - Indeed.
As you can tell, our voices have also been affected,
creating an unintentionally sinister tone.
- So, where did things go wrong, guys? - Well...
There seems to have been a miscalculation.
- Our hubris got the best of us. - Nonsense.
There was no mix-up in the laboratory, no... ...neglect of the pH balance.
It was my jealousy of these women
that drove me to surreptitiously add 20 gallons
of Nair hair removal into the concoction.
Wait, wait, you did what?
♪ You wear short shorts If you dare wear short shorts Nair for--♪
Yeah, we know the product.
You're familiar with it?
Do you guys know the song?
- Yes, we know the goddamn song. - Yes.
Uh. Okay, okay, okay, that's just...
We're gonna stop right there.
Uh. So with no help from his family whatsoever,
Frank is now left with the most important choice of his entire life.
And on that final night he had to make that choice alone.
Ooh.
Frank, it's the final rose.
This is it. So who will you choose?
Will it be Bonnie or Sara?
Who the hell is Sara?
You actually thought that the woman's birth name was Cock Chewa?
Oh. Never gave it much thought.
America is waiting.
Frank, who are you gonna give it to?
Well, Bonnie, you are a dirty, dirty slut.
Thank you, Frank.
And you're old as hell.
But-But I gotta be honest, you bone me up like nobody else.
So it's really hard not to choose you.
Chewy, I gotta be honest, I don't like the teeth.
I-I never understood the chewing thing. I mean, people like that?
Chew on that thang?
It's weird as hell. It hurts, your chomping on it.
I mean, it's like...
You go deep, deep, deep. The bottom? Oh.
I may never recover from that.
But I gotta say,
you are so goddamn hot.
It is hard not to choose you.
I gotta make a decision.
And...
my decision is...
Sam!
Sam! Sam, where are you?
Sam!
Samantha! Samantha!
Frank.
- Frank. - Saman... Oh.
Samantha, don't get on that bus.
I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.
But most of all I'm a coward.
I-I didn't let you go because I didn't like you.
I-I got rid of you because I like you too much
and it scared the shit out of me.
I'm just like you, Samantha.
But together, we don't have to be afraid.
Would you accept this rose and be my wife?
Frank,
I will.
Be strong, Bonnie.
Be strong for your little gingerbread man.
Bonnie?
How do you guys know each other?
- This is my date. - Yeah.
One. Two. Three.
- Why are you doing everything in threes? - So Charlie doesn't die.
Show us on the doll.
Show you what?
Where he touched you.
I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie.
She doesn't want a dog eating her face.
Oh. Sorry.
You!
- Hey. - Merry Christmas.
- I'm so excited. It's almost Christmas! - I'm so excited!
I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.