(violin music playing)
(indistinct chatter)
DENNIS: Frank, would you like another buttered nipple?
No. The cream is making me gassy.
-Yeah, well, you have had four of them. -Yeah.
-(both laugh) -You know, we could order you
something that's a little bit easier on the pipes.
-DENNIS: Yeah. -You know, I know what you're doing.
This is your annual
"take me out and see if you can talk me into
giving you more of my money."
-Oh, stop. -Uh-- Is he talking to us?
-Give me money. (laughs) -We would never. (laughs)
-(grunts) -DEE: And we just want you to have a fun night.
DENNIS: Yeah.
Oh. (laughs)
(groans)
-Yeah, get that. -What you working on there, bud?
I brought my own can of anchovies
because the fish in this place is not salty enough.
-Mm, that's... -I agree.
-Got no taste. -DENNIS and DEE: Yeah.
Yeah, no, I-I hear you.
It's, uh, it's not salty enough.
I want to point something out here to you, Frank.
I think we do a pretty good job
of pretending like you're not an animal.
(laughs)
Is that thing loaded, by the way?
Nah, it's not loaded.
-(Dee sighs) -And get off my back,
huh?
-Hey. Absolutely. -Yup.
You got it. (laughs)
Got no intention to be
-riding on your back, pal. -No.
DENNIS: We like you just the way you are.
-Mm. Mm-hmm. -And I think that, you know,
maybe, just possibly, that entitles us to a little taste
-of your fortune after you die? -Oh.
-You know what I mean? I-I... -Oh.
I want to tell you something,
I am not intending on dying anytime soon,
so don't waste your breath.
-(grunts) -(sighs) -You know what? Screw this.
-Okay. -I... Dee, I told you this was a mistake.
-No, I know, I know. -I-- You know what? I'm out
-of here. -Couple of vultures
picking at my carcass.
-Uh-huh. -You know, I am in the prime
-of my life. -Yeah.
I mean, if you think that you can...
-(gunshot) -(Dennis and Dee scream)
-DENNIS: You shot us! -(patrons murmuring)
You shot us! I got shot in the face!
You said there were no bullets!
Okay, so it was loaded. My mistake.
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
I just nicked you.
It's not like anybody's in any real danger.
♪ ♪
I'm saying, don't shoot the whole balloon down, right?
-Like, you-you pull it down... -Frank shot us.
He shot us in the face. We barely survived.
Awesome.
-Wha... -Uh, no, not awesome.
Oh, sorry. You came in all excited.
I thought you were bragging.
I was picking up on an excited energy, for sure.
Getting shot in the face and surviving is pretty cool.
Yeah.
This is insane.
Listen, we got to get his gun away from him, okay?
I-I don't even care about the money anymore.
Oh, yeah, no, no, neither do I.
I don't give a shit about the money.
I mean, the man is a maniac,
and he's gonna wind up shooting everyone in this bar.
Oh, yeah. I do care about the money, though.
-Yeah, no, so do I. Absolutely. -Yeah.
-It's the only thing I care about. Are you kidding me? -Yeah. Yeah.
Come on. You know what I'm worried about?
I'm worried he's gonna kill himself with that gun
before he gets old and senile enough
to rewrite us into the will.
That's it. That's it. We need him to live
long enough so he can become fully demented.
-Mm-hmm. -CHARLIE: I know, but, guys,
I'm picking up, like,
a super stressed-out vibe from you,
and it's really important to remember, like,
you know, money isn't everything.
Yeah, of course you don't care, Charlie,
because your dad didn't have anything to pass down to you.
No, that's true, but my mom does. Yeah.
On my mom's family side, I got a huge inheritance coming my way.
Wait, what?
H-How did I not know this? You're gonna be rich?
Yeah. Totally. Yeah.
Well, uh, rich in history and legacy
and, uh... (clear throat) ...teeth, of course.
Teeth?
Yeah. It's a pretty sweet deal, actually, you know.
Everyone on my mom's side of the family,
going back to the Niña and the-the Pinta
and the, uh, Santa Margherita,
um, they've all been putting their teeth into a jar
-when they die. -Mm-hmm.
And, uh, when I turn 40,
that sweet little piece
of history's coming my way.
Just stop. Okay, Dee,
we need to get that gun away from Frank.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
You don't do something like that.
You know, because, like, Frank's gun is a big piece
of who he is, right?
That's his legacy. That's his history.
That's like, that's like my jar of teeth, right?
I don't want that taken away from me when I get old.
What are you talking about?
Charlie, I got some bad news for you, bud.
What?
You turned 40 a long time ago.
Yo. Hey, Ma, how you doing?
-Hi, Mom. -Oh, hi, boys.
-What brings you by? -Yeah, uh,
hey, I want to show Mac that jar of family teeth we got.
Oh.
-Y-You-you do? -CHARLIE: Yeah.
Hey, Ma, did you realize I was over 40?
(gasps) You are?
Yeah, turns out. Yeah, I figured you probably forgot, too,
or something, but, um, yeah,
can I get that jar of teeth now, please?
Oh, okay, I-I'll go look for them.
Okay, yeah, good. Go-go get my teeth, please.
Cool. Hey, Mom,
since we're here, um,
do we have any kind of, like,
family heirlooms or anything?
No.
(sighs) Like, anything of value
that our family owned at some point?
No.
Hm. Okay, what if it's just, like, sentimental?
Just, like, proof that we existed?
Nope.
Wait, what about those letters?
Weren't there some kind of letters
that my grandfather wrote to my dad
during World War II?
Yeah.
Those letters exist? Well, well, who's got them?
Donald.
-Donald? Donald who? -Oh...
Duck.
(laughs) Yeah.
Donald... Donald Duck? What's she talking about?
Yeah, my mom's making a joke. She's-she's really funny.
She's got a great sense of humor. Right, Mom?
Yeah.
Yeah. She's talking about my Uncle Donald.
Huh. I didn't even know you had an uncle Donald.
Yeah, yeah, that's my dad's brother.
Donald McDonald?
Yeah.
Ronald McDonald.
Donald McDonald. Wow.
Your dad really scored with the name Luther, I guess, huh?
(Bonnie screams)
Mom? What happened?
-MAC: Oh, shit. -(muffled whimper)
Did she try to pull out her own teeth?
Did you just try to pull out your own teeth?
-Mm-mm. -She clearly did.
-I can see the pliers. -We can see the pliers, Mom.
-Ah! Ugh! -Oh!
-I'm so sorry. -CHARLIE: Mom.
Oh, my God. Why did you do that?
I didn't have the heart to-to tell you,
I gave away the jar. (crying)
You gave away the jar of teeth? To who?
Your sisters.
To my sisters?
Those ungrateful bitches. What the hell, Mom?
They don't even live in Philly anymore.
They moved all the way up to northern New Jersey.
They're terrible to you.
I'm the one who stayed. I'm the one who takes care of you.
How could you do that?
(screaming)
-Now she's screaming. -This is crazy.
Now she's screaming. Now she's screaming.
-Well, you yelled at her. -Now Mom's screaming.
Now Mom's screaming.
Ah, I can't believe you did this.
-Why are you yelling at her? I don't know... -She gave it away to my sisters.
They're the worst people on the planet.
I didn't even remember that you had sisters.
All right. Okay, okay.
Look, we're just gonna have to go and get them.
I think she's having a stroke, dude.
We're just gonna have to get in the car right now
-and go get them. Come on, man. -We should go to the hospital.
Let's get in the car. Let's go.
Mrs. Mac, we're taking your car. Mom, just calm down.
It's okay, okay? I'm not mad at you. It's fine, okay?
-I love you. -Breathe through your, breathe through your nose.
-I love you, too. I love you, too. -This is fucking insane.
I made a mistake.
You did make a mistake. You did make this... All right.
Christ, let's get her cleaned up. All right.
I didn't mean to upset you.
(Frank grunting)
Frank, um,
could you stop scratching yourself with the gun, please?
-I'm itchy, I'm itchy. -I-I bet.
Probably from rolling around in the grass
outside of your apartment.
No, I was rolling around in the grass
because I was itchy.
The itch came first.
Okay, well, why don't you hand me the gun,
-and I'll scratch you with my fingers. -Yeah.
I'm not gonna hand you my gun,
but I'll let you scratch. You want to scratch me?
-Go on. (grunts) Yeah. -Okay.
-All right. -Scratch me. See.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it down by the neck.
-Frank, I... -FRANK: The back of the neck. The back of the neck.
-Okay, but I just don't want to get shot again, is all.
The gun's not loaded.
Yeah, that's what you said last time, Frank.
FRANK: (grunts) I got to take a piss.
-Pull over. -DENNIS: All right.
(grunting)
Okay.
-(grunting) -Goddamn it.
This is not working.
Should we just attack him and take it?
What? No.
He'd mow us down like Scarface. We can't come at him like that.
-We'll spook him. -Yeah.
You know what? He needs to be lulled
into a false sense of security.
You don't tell a dog you're taking him to a vet
to put him down.
Right.
You give that dog the best day of his life,
and then you turn out the lights when he least suspects it.
-(laughs) -Okay.
Okay. Oh...
Ooh.
Ooh, that was a long wait.
-Woo. -Wow.
♪ Just can't wait... ♪
Why is your mom driving my mom's car?
I don't know. Dude, they got some weird arrangement
worked out so your mom can focus on smoking.
Speaking of, I'm getting choked to death back here.
Mrs. Mac, do you mind, like, cracking a window or something?
No.
Why not? I mean, it's ridiculous to just sit in the smoke.
'Cause it's too drafty. It's unhealthy.
-Right. -Unheal-- What?
Sorry, my mom's on a new health kick. (laughs)
Hey, Mom, it's working. You look great.
Shut up.
CHARLIE: Can we, like speed up or something?
Another car just passed us. Mom, that's, like, the 50th car.
Why are you going so slow?
Well, highways are scary.
You're going 35.
-I can see you're going 35. -But-- And everybody's
just in such a hurry.
No, it's just the normal--
It's the speed that people go on the highway.
Okay, maybe I should drive. Mom, can I drive your car?
-Can Mac drive? -No.
Ugh, this is my worst nightmare, man.
This is absolutely terrible. How much further?
Anyone know? Mac?
How much further? Mac?
Mac? Hello?
(whispering): My mom's finger is up, which means "no talking".
She's annoyed. It's best if we
just keep it down until the finger goes down,
otherwise, she might burn us with the cigarette lighter.
(whispers): This is my worst nightmare
in my entire life.
(normal volume): Okay, finger's down. Um, great.
Uh, okay, Mrs. Kelly, you're gonna want to stay
on the Jersey Turnpike until you hit 287.
You want to take 287 towards Hamburg.
Mm, no. That-- No, you just stay on the 206
the whole way up.
No, no, we're gonna,
we're gonna hit Hamburg on the way.
Why are we going to Hamburg?
We're gonna visit my Uncle Donald.
-Donald McDonald of Hamburger, New Jersey? -Hamburg.
A bunch of old letters that weren't even written to you?
That's not a legacy, it's a bunch of meaningless shit.
Not as meaningless as a jar full of teeth. (screams)
-CHARLIE: Ah! She got you. She got you. -Sorry, Mom, sorry, Mom.
Sorry, Mom. I didn't see the finger.
No, her hand was not in the air that time.
-She burnt the shit out of me. -You didn't even put your hand--
-Oh, it's up now, it's up now. -Yeah.
DENNIS: Frank, we got a little surprise for you, bud.
What's that?
Hamburgers.
-Oh, hamburgers? -(laughs)
Oh, that's one of the best food there is.
Yeah, yes, they really are.
And, you know what, you can eat them right here in the car.
You know, once in a while, they give me the runs.
Yeah, that's why we put that towel down for you, buddy.
Mmm. Mmm!
-(smacking lips) -Okay. All right.
-Mmm. -You want to take it easy?
Goddamn. Just one bite at a time,
or you're gonna barf everywhere.
-Mmm. -Yeah, it's good, huh?
Yeah, really hammering them down there, huh, bud?
Very good. Mmm.
Oh! (laughs)
I almost ate my gun.
(laughing)
I dipped it in the ketchup.
Thought it was a french fry.
Yeah, that is funny. (laughs)
Wow.
Hey, you know what?
I'm-I'm gonna pull over, Frank.
I got to take a piss anyway.
Again. Okay.
-DENNIS: Well, Frank... -FRANK: What?
DENNIS: Look where we are.
We're at the bridge.
Oh, I haven't been here in forever.
-Go check it out-- Oh! -Oh! -Oh.
-Ooh. -Did-did you just slam your head into the window?
Yeah, I didn't realize it was up.
Well, were you gonna dive out of it?
Yeah, I was very excited. I want to go.
-All right. -Go see the boys.
-Have fun, buddy. -Go see the boys.
-Get after it. -(chuckles) Okay.
-FRANK: Okay. -I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Hey, we're almost there, Dee, okay? He's getting tired.
Let's let run him around the bridge for a little while,
-and then we have one more stop, okay? -Uh...
Oh, he's pissing on another hydrant.
Okay. He's...
literally turning into a dog.
Yeah.
I got to smash.
You just smashed. You smashed, like, three times
on the way up here. We keep having to pull over
-so you can smash. What... -There is a lot of smashing.
She's very regular.
Oh, no, I'm out of paper towels.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Mrs. Kelly.
I'm sure my Uncle Donald has toilet paper.
You've been wiping with paper towels?
I hope everyone
brought their appetite
because I made quiche.
-(gasps) -(laughs)
Aw, that's really nice, Uncle Donald,
but we're kind of in a hurry.
W-Well, that's a shame. (stammers)
We never get to see each other.
Yeah, that is a shame,
but I'm really here about the letters.
You know, the letters that
Grandpop wrote to you and Dad during the war.
Oh. Oh, yes, yes, I-I-I have those letters.
Oh, that's great.
I was kind of hoping they would pass down to me.
You know, sort of like a family heirloom.
Well, that would make sense because, well,
they weren't actually written to me.
They were addressed only, uh, to your dad.
Grandpop didn't write to you?
He-he liked your dad, uh... more.
Uh, you know, I was the, um,
you know, "funny" one, you know.
It's the reason I never got married.
Not something we talked about back then, but...
but i-it always made me feel,
uh, a little, uh...
different.
Well, I-I'm sure you can understand
what that feels like, Ronald.
No.
So, the letters?
-Oh, yes. (laughing) -Yeah?
-CHARLIE: Oh! - Sure.
Okay.
Yeah, this is, uh, this is great, Uncle Donald,
'cause it's really gonna tie
a lot of things together for me, you know?
It's, uh-- I have something to pass down to my kids.
It's-it's important to have a legacy.
Oh, yes. You know, I...
I wouldn't know, though. I, you know, I...
I don't have any children of my own.
Oh, yeah.
-(whispers): What is this guy's deal? -DONALD: Oh, here they are.
(whispers): It's, like, everything you've ever wanted.
Kind of sad, really, uh, me keeping letters
that, uh, weren't even for me.
(laughs) You know. But, uh...
I guess I just, uh, wanted a connection, uh...
(sniffles)
...with my dad.
Yeah.
That is sad.
If I could just-- Yeah. Thank you.
I mean, you know, there's nothing more...
more important in this world than the connection
between a father and a son.
Well, besides the connection between a son and a mother.
Right, Mom?
She's smashing.
-Yeah, she took off, man. -Yeah, she had to smash.
Well, I guess we could wait for her in the car.
This is so annoying.
I mean, you're gonna take time out of my day,
and you have everything you've ever dreamed of right here,
but we're gonna just blow right past it, aren't we?
It's probably time to go, huh?
-Well, uh, o-okay. -Yeah.
Okay, well-well, uh, you know, hey,
if you ever want to, uh, you know, hang out,
you know, we could throw the old football around.
Ah, I don't really like playing football.
It's kind of for jocks.
-It's all he ever talks about... -No, it's like...
...is wanting to have a catch with his dad, so...
Nah, 'cause remember we were talking about how
it was like a... for jocks?
-Uh, no. That never happened. -Oh.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, we could read.
-We could read. -Oh, but, like, he can't read.
-Imagine that. Imagine that. -He can't read, so...
Yeah, but he's not talking about me, he's talking about
-bonding with you. -Yeah, like...
But we're gonna blow right past this, huh?
Reading is for nerds, so...
-Yeah, is that what it is? -Yeah.
-Uh, cards? -Uh, well,
the thing about cards is, like, with the...
the jacks and the queens and the kings and, like,
I don't like celebrating royalty.
-You know, he-he knows that. -Oh, my God, dude.
-Oh, my God, man. -You know that. We've talked about that.
You're driving me crazy, dude. All right, fine, let's go.
-Bye-bye. -Okay, maybe you guys can swap phone numbers or...
-I think that would be weird. -No? No, not gonna do it?
-That would be weird. Okay. -Fine, then this was a good waste of our time, wasn't it?
-Well, t
-Yep. -Mm.
DENNIS: Beautiful. Probably brings back
a lot of good memories.
-Right, Frank? -Absolutely.
-Yeah. -You guys, uh, mind if I...
-Oh, no. Of course. No, please. Please. Yeah. -Please. Yeah.
Take that you, cesspool.
Polluted sack of shit.
You know, Dee, I kind of feel like we did a good thing here.
I do, too. We gave him a good day.
-Mm-hmm. -For him.
Not for a normal person.
-(chuckles) -Yeah. Jesus.
Right.
You all done, bud?
-Yeah. Thanks, guys. -Yeah.
-Good. Hey, oh, absolutely. -Yeah.
-You got it. -Hey, listen, where to now, Frank?
-We want to take you somewhere. -Uh, no, it's okay. I get it.
I-I thought it was a cash grab at first,
but I see where you're going.
The hamburger, playing with Duncan under the bridge,
and now the beach.
A perfect day can't last forever.
I know why we're here.
Oh. You do?
(chuckles) Gosh.
Thanks for making it so easy on us.
-We expected more resistance. -Yeah.
Well, I guess hung on a little bit too long.
-A little bit. -And afterwards, you guys can have the money.
-(gasps) You mean it? -Really?
Yeah. Here.
Oh. Gosh.
I-I got to say, this-this went
-so much more smoothly than I... -Yeah, it really did.
Uh, just do it when I'm looking out at the ocean.
Huh?
Ah, don't be coy. I had a good run.
-What are you... -And it's really good
you didn't do it in front of Charlie.
That was a class move.
Just put me down quick.
Put you down? Wha...
Oh, you know what? I think I'm gonna run,
and then you do what you have to do.
But if you shoot me in the leg, come over and finish me off,
because I don't want to lay there and suffer.
-Actually, here, I'm gonna take... -What?
What the hell are you doing?
I'm gonna go natural, because I've seen
too many guys die and take a shit in their pants.
I don't want that. And bury my poop.
Or just kick some sand over it.
'Cause-- And then you can do what you want to do.
You can float me out into the ocean and let sharks eat me.
Or you can leave me on the ground,
gruesome for the kids to see.
Oh, ugh. Oh, my God.
We are not gonna kill you, Frank.
-Huh? -What, did you think
we were just gonna shoot you right here on the beach?
I mean, there-there's people around.
I'm actually surprised they didn't run
-when you started shooting the ocean. -I-I'm not.
It's the Jersey Shore. But good God, man.
Well, if you're not gonna snuff me out,
what the hell are you doing?
We were giving you one last day with your gun.
Yeah, it's time to let it go, Frank.
You were stealing my gun?
-DENNIS: Well... -Screw that.
No, it's too dangerous, Frank.
You're out of control with that thing.
By the way, you're out of the will again.
-What? -Why? Just because of the gun? -Yeah.
Exactly. Because I don't trust you two guys.
I mean, if you're in the will, who knows?
You may wind up shooting me in the back.
-Ah! -You just told us to shoot you in the back!
That's different. It's not the same thing.
Take me back to Philly.
You get an Uber.
-DENNIS: Yeah. -Get in the car.
-Goddamn it. -Go on. Let's go. -Dee,
-why'd you let him snatch that thing back? -I-I...
All right, let's go.
-Just barge right in, Mom. -O-Okay.
Don't-don't be shy, okay?
Bunny?
Candy?
-Are you home? -Which one is the can?
There's probably, like, a million bathrooms.
Just go find a bathroom, Mrs. Mac.
-(groans) -I don't remember those being your sisters' names.
No, it's not their names. They had their names changed.
Oh. How do they afford to live like this?
T-They're doing some, like, stupid,
like, social media thing.
I-I don't know, I guess they're making a killing on it.
Hey! Candy, Bunny!
-Candy... -Oh, my God.
BOTH: Mom, what are you doing here?
Well, we just wanted to drive up...
BOTH: Why'd you bring Dirt Grub?
Oh, yeah, hi. Nice to see you, too.
BOTH: Shut up, fag!
Why'd you bring your fag friend?
Yeah, why is Mac here?
-(sighs) -This is so distasteful.
Uh, dude, uh...
You know what? I'm not gonna argue with you guys.
-Oh, you're not? -Okay? No, I'm just here
-for the teeth. -No, you can't have them.
Yeah, you can't have them, Charlie.
-You can't have them. -Mom gave them to us.
Well, what do you even care about the teeth?
I-I thought you always said they were weird and gross.
-They are weird and gross. -Yeah, super gross,
but people like that stuff, so we need them.
-We need them. -Need them for what?
ASMR, dickweed.
Yeah. ASMR.
What is that? What even is that?
We stick our hands in the jar.
People pay to watch us stick our hand in the jar.
-They pay for that shit. -Yeah.
They like the noise of the teeth,
and they give us a lot of money on OnlyFans.
-Like, a lot of money. -What?
-More than you could ever imagine. -Yeah.
All your doing is sticking your hands in teeth
and people pay you enough to live like this?
-We obviously take our tops off. Like... -Obviously.
-Oh, girls. -BUNNY: Oh, my God.
-Shut up, slut. -You're literally a slut.
All right, you know what? Give me the teeth. Give me the teeth.
No. Finders keepers, bitch.
-Finders keepers. -You did not find them!
-Mom gave them to you. -Yeah, she did.
-Okay, we're her favorite. -I clogged the toilet.
-What the hell? Gross. -Who is this old lady clogging our toilet?
That's my mommy.
BOTH: Gross, Mac!
Why did you clog our toilet?
Why'd you clog our toilet, old lady?
There was no TP.
If there was no TP, what did you wipe with?
The letters.
You wiped your butt with the letters
that Grandpop sent Dad and then flushed them down the toilet?
Yeah.
-(groans) -BUNNY: Oh, my God.
This is so weird, guys. You got to go.
-All right, you know what? -No. No.
Hey, hey. Put that down.
This is gonna be the new Kelly family heirloom,
and I'm gonna put all my teeth in it
and all of Mom's teeth in it and none of yours.
(Charlie groaning)
Okay.
(mumbles) Oh, uh, yep.
-Yep. Yep. -You got to stop
doing that. You're not gonna have any teeth left.
You sure you don't want to pop a couple in?
You know, you can be a part of my legacy, dude.
I-I feel like you should be.
-No, I-I'm good. -Yeah?
-Yeah, I'm good. -All right, I'll tell you what.
When one-one falls out, go ahead and toss it in.
-It's cool. -It won't.
(gunshots)
Yeah. There. Take that, lock.
Oh, what the hell, man?
And the door wasn't even locked.
You're paying for that door, Frank.
All right, all right.
Well, this is great. This is just great.
You know, like, now what are we supposed to all put
-our teeth in? -Our faces?
-What are you talking about? -I'm talking about our legacy.
You know? I can't hold onto it, man.
Legacy? You want to talk legacy? You know what our legacy is?
Spending our lives in this goddamn bar
with a lunatic man who acts like a dog
and handles his gun like a maniac!
Oh, fine.
I see where this pity party's headed.
If you're gonna be crybabies about it,
all right, take my gun.
-Ow! Ow! -Shit!
(all groaning)
Shit.
Well, there you have it, Frank.
You've officially shot everyone in the bar.
♪ ♪
(trio chanting backwards)