Dennis: Oh, there it is, Mac.
There it is.
Mac: I can't believe it's
finally arrived.
My god, thundergun express:
The unrated director's cut.
13 extra minutes of movie
in this one.
And it's unrated.
They were not able to rate it.
This is gonna be the best
Thanksgiving ever.
Oh, yeah, absolutely, man.
Thundergun, hoagies and four
extra seconds dedicated solely
to the dong shot.
Buddy, that's what
I'm thankful for.
So much better than
a traditional Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah, dude, I hate
Thanksgiving.
What is that?
What am I supposed
to be thankful for exactly?
Who am I meant to be thanking,
right?
I've had to scratch
and claw for everything
I've got.
If anything, I should be
thanking myself.
Yeah.
Liam: Hey, man.
Ryan: Welcome to mahndo
video.
How may we help you?
(Groans) What are you guys
doing here?
We own the store.
We bought this bitch.
We wanted to invest in an
emerging market.
An emerging market?
Video stores are a dying market.
This is, like, one of the only
ones left.
Then we're gonna corner that
market.
Okay. Whatever.
Liam, what is on your eye?
Someone ate my eye at my
wedding.
Don't you remember, man?
The eyepatch is flesh-colored
to make people less
uncomfortable.
I'm way more uncomfortable.
Yeah, absolutely.
You look like a man who was
born without an eye, which is
way creepier than a man who lost
one.
Just get a black eyepatch, you
know?
Embrace it. Losing an eye is
badass.
It's not badass.
I have no depth perception!
It's all your fault.
What are you... how is it our
fault?
What are you talking about?
Let's not get into a whole
thing about missing eyes and
whose fault they are.
You know, we'll just rent the
video, and we'll be out of here.
You are not renting shit.
You are not welcome in this
store.
Your video-renting days are
over!
No, come on, don't do that,
dude.
Oh...
I-it's not even... it's not
even close.
I mean, I...
Let me get that for you.
Thanks, man.
Don't cut... don't...
Goddamn it.
Charlie: All right, look,
just pay the man already.
We'll be done with it.
It's freezing in there.
Frank: No can do, Charlie.
It's the principle of the thing.
Dee: You guys having a
principle fight?
No, we're not having a
principle fight.
We're having a heat fight, okay?
'Cause our heat's broken, and
hwang won't fix it until this
guy pays the rent.
This guy's not gonna pay the
rent till hwang fixes the heat.
So you got one of those snafus,
where you got old assholes...
It's a deadlock.
It's a deadlock of butting
heads.
We got a disaster on our
hands, a disaster.
The mcpoyles bought mahndo
video.
They revoked our membership.
You didn't get thundergun?
We didn't get shit!
Aw... hang on.
Dee, why do our hoagies reek of
gasoline?
Maybe 'cause I got 'em at the
gas station, I guess.
Why?
Why didn't you get the ones
we like from the wawa?
Because Gail the snail works
at the wawa, okay?
And we got mad beef.
She won't serve me.
This is a mess.
We can't get the sandwiches we
want, we can't get the videos we
want, my apartment's an icebox.
Thanksgiving's gonna be ruined,
you know.
It's not just Thanksgiving,
pal.
You know what the real problem
is?
We have too many beefs all over
town.
It's jamming us up.
We made a lot of enemies over
the years.
We have made enemies.
We got to do something about
this, guys, okay?
So I say we use Thanksgiving as
an opportunity to squash some of
those beefs.
All right, guys, this is
really coming together.
It's looking good.
You know... you know, this was
the original meaning of
Thanksgiving anyway.
The pilgrims and Indians had
beef.
So what did they do?
They got together, they sat at a
table, they ate some delicious
food and they squashed that
beef.
And that's exactly what we're
gonna do.
Mac and I are gonna squash the
mcpoyle beef, you guys are gonna
squash hwang...
And you guys are gonna squash
with Bruce.
What?
Say what?
Bruce Mathis, I invited him.
What?!
What? What?
Why would you do that?
Because he is your dad, and
Thanksgiving is a holiday for
families.
I also invited Charlie's mom, my
mom and my dad, but they didn't
want to come.
So just Bruce?
You know what, it's okay.
We'll-we'll manage very
carefully, and it'll be fine.
Hey, maybe we can squeeze some
money out of the guy.
I'm-I'm confused though.
In this whole scenario with the
pilgrim and the Indians, which
one are we?
The pilgrims.
They came out on top.
I don't know about that,
frank.
The Indians, they've got sports
teams, they've got casinos.
They're a very celebrated
people.
Yeah, that's true, actually.
You don't see people walking
around with the tall hat with a
buckle on the front.
Makes no difference though in
our scenario with what we're
trying to accomplish here, okay?
They buried the hatchet.
That's what they did, and that's
what we're gonna do.
Okay, so, to that end, here's
the plan: Once the guests
arrive, we will ply them with
liquor and then I will present
to them this peace treaty that I
will have them sign.
Why do you always want people
to sign creepy documents?
(Laughs) Well, frank, once
something's in writing, that
means it's set in stone.
Then no one can do anything to
stop me.
When do you want me to serve
the squash and the beef?
S-so we're literally serving
squash and beef?
You said we're squashing
beef.
I thought it would be part of
the ceremony to have squash and
beef.
Yeah, it's all about the
ceremony.
That's why I got this bucket of
dirt and a hatchet, so we can
have a ceremonial burying of the
hatchet.
Right. And after we do that,
we're going to wipe the slate
clean.
Wait, no, guys, look, this is
all very on the nose and totally
unnecessary.
Hwang: Where's food?
Walk right in, why don't you,
hwang?
Thanksgiving, food.
Yeah, Thanksgiving...
Thanksgiving, yeah, go sit
down.
Have a seat, have a seat,
man!
What do you live in, a barn?
Have a seat, hwang.
Guys, listen, regroup,
regroup.
Let's put on some music, lighten
the mood and get this party
started.
(tom tom club's "genius of love"
(playing)
Dee.
Hmm?
Go break the ice.
What?
Yeah.
Why me?
Yeah, yeah, someone's got to
do it.
Just go to go over there...
Go, go, go.
S-some good crackers.
Huh?
Mm. Mm.
They are delicious.
Yeah.
What's wrong? Is it the eye?
Why would... I don't even
know why you would say
that-that.
They made me feel
self-conscious.
Did they?
Yeah. Is it off-putting?
Or does it look real?
The skin tone is a... is a...
A good match.
Oh, well, when you move the
other one, I guess I can tell a
little bit, if I'm being honest.
(Door shuts)
Cricket: Hey, turkeys,
gobble, gobble.
Cricket, what the hell are
you doing here?
Word around town is you guys
are squashing beef.
We don't have beef with you.
You don't have beef with me?
I was a priest before I got
involved with you guys.
Unbelievable.
Look, we have enough on our
plate right now, crick.
Come on, guys, let me stay.
I-I'll eat the gristle.
You can eat it off the floor
like a dog, how 'bout that?
Now you're just creating more
beef.
I don't mind.
Woof, woof, baby.
Great.
Look at that. Beef squashed,
huh?
Okay, wait, wait, hold on a
second.
Here, sign this treaty.
Mmm, yeah.
It'll be official.
Good.
Boom, all right, get out of
here.
Go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
*
Okay, let's get started.
I really like your room,
Mac.
Thank you.
Yeah, great.
Have a seat, guys.
Um, now, I...
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a little to
the... to your right.
Okay, good.
Now, I know we've had our
differences in the past.
Things have been a little tense
between us.
What is this?
What is what?
Standing.
What's with the standing?
You're lording.
We're not lording, we're just
having a conversation.
Yeah, we're just...
Some kind of a status thing?
A power move?
Some kind of power play?
Come on, guys. No.
It's not a power move!
We're having a conversation.
There's one chair.
Bring it down.
Just bring it down on the
haunches.
You want us to squat?
Haunch it. Arch down.
Oh, Christ, fine.
Just do it, just do it.
All right, look...
Just do it. Give him the...
Guys, look, I know we've had
our differences in the past.
Things have been very, very
awkward, but it's time for us to
move forward with our
relationship, all right?
It's time to hit the reset
button, wouldn't you say?
Here's this. Open it up.
Mm-hmm.
It's your gift.
What the hell is this?
It's a peace treaty.
We need you to sign that.
I thought I was getting an
eye.
Both: An eye?
Why would you think that?
You kept making comments.
You were hinting about eyes.
We're not giving you an eye!
Where the Christ would we get
an eye?
And if we did get an eye, how
would we attach it to you?
I'm not signing shit until I
get an eye. You owe me.
Give him your eye.
You want me to give him my
eye?
Mm-hmm.
You realize how preposterous
that is?
Okay, then apologize.
Apologize for what?
(Yelling): For everything!
For all of it!
This isn't...
It's not about apology.
We're not apologizing.
We're not apologizing, okay?
Nobody's apologizing.
No one's admitting guilt or
anything.
We've all done something wrong.
Okay, it's just about... it's
just about, like, you know,
moving forward, moving on.
Look, all you have to do is
apologize, and I'll sign it.
Give us a second.
All right.
How are we gonna get this eye?
I don't know.
*
Come on, come on, give me
some.
Eat the... eat the... you
know, the skins if you got to
eat something.
I'll eat the skins.
I'll always eat the skins.
I love the skins.
It's where all the vitamins are.
What kind of meat is that,
Charlie? Doesn't smell right.
It's not grade a meat.
You know, I'm not gonna get
grade a meat. Just...
(Doorbell rings)
Why are you guys hovering?
Don't hover. Answer the door!
Get the door!
All right.
Yeah, all right!
Gail: I'm gonna fight with
you.
What?!
Snail, what the hell are you
doing here? Who invited you?
Dee, we invited her, okay?
Enough is enough.
You got to squash it with snail,
all right?
We want to go to the wawa again,
all right?
Goddamn it.
Hey, you want some beef?
You want some squash?
You want to pack some beef?
(Makes loud sucking sound)
Listen, could you just
swallow your spit and then
breathe, and then we can talk?
Then breathe, and close your
mouth.
(Snort, loud breathing)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, my god, it was sad for a
second, and now it's right back
to... rah, making me do the...
See a doctor!
Go see a doctor.
All right, oh, let's just...
All right, hold on. Um...
Let's compromise.
Is there something that we can
do to just, you know, patch this
up between you and Dee?
I want her to be my best
friend, yo.
Oh, well, you know what?
That's not gonna happen, so...
Yeah, that's too much.
Okay...
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Is there a compromise?
Is there anything?
How about just for today?
Just for today?
Together.
Okay, and then I get my
convenience store to be
convenient to me again, that's
the deal?
Word is bond, yo.
Okay. Okay, yeah, that sounds
good, let's do it. Yes, okay.
All right, good.
Frank, hwang, you're up.
Let's go.
Okay.
All right, well, somebody say
something.
These crackers need more
salt.
I agree.
Okay, well... they're
extremely salty, but-but good.
That's a start.
I mean, you know, you guys agree
about something.
Hey! All right.
My doctor say, no salt.
Mine, too.
Doctors are shit!
Goddamn medicine men, trying
to tell me how to eat my food.
They're all shit.
Well, look at that.
You guys agree about something!
Look at you two... two extremely
hardheaded, unhealthy old men
who refuse to listen to doctors.
Come on, you guys are, like...
Can we work this out?
All right, hwang, what if frank
gives you, like, half the rent
now, then you fix the heat?!
And then, he gives you the other
half when the job's done?
It's okay.
Yeah?
All right, that's a deal.
That's a squashed beef.
Frank, you.
Oh, as a matter of fact...
I could give the whole month's
rent right here.
Well, that'd be... good.
I'll take it.
Yeah, but I'm not gonna do
it, because I'm not gonna let
you beat me, because you're a
lousy son of a bitch.
You're a dog!
I'm a dog, you're a dog, huh?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How's that? Huh?
You're a fire dog!
Plenty more where this came
from.
I could heat that apartment all
winter, huh? You want it? Aah...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire dog.
Aw!
You're trying to burn me!
Just give us an eye.
You don't need both of them.
I only have one good working
eye.
Yeah, but I think it might be
better if you're blind anyway.
You know, it's gonna heighten
all your other senses.
Let me think about it.
I'll think about it.
Okay, give it some thought.
Give it some thought.
I'll think about it.
All right, well, we'll work
that angle.
All right, just...
(Doorbell rings)
Ooh, maybe that's Bruce.
Oh, yeah. Hey, how'd you get
him down here anyway?
I told him that his kids
wanted to see him for
Thanksgiving, and that you guys
wanted to be one big happy
family again.
Oh, nice.
Hey.
Who's this jabroni?
I have no idea.
Slam the door on his face.
See you, bozo.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Actually, I know who this guy
is. Holy shit!
Dude, this is the guy that frank
and Dee mistook for Bruce, and
frank got that bad intel, so
they went to his apartment,
instead of Bruce's apartment.
And then we blew up his car.
Blew the shit out of his car.
Oh, my god.
Wait a minute.
That was you guys?
Huh? No.
I don't even know what you're
talking about.
Uh...
Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait. Please.
Are my kids in there?
Somebody wrote me a note and
said that my kids wanted to see
me?
I haven't seen 'em since my wife
left me.
Are they in here? Sabrina?
Oh, this is bad.
Yeah. Oh.
Marco? Daddy's here.
Oh, my god.
We really opened up a can of
worms.
It's a bit messy.
The good news is, seems that the
kids thing took his mind off the
car thing, so, maybe it'll work
itself out.
Okay, good.
All right.
Bill: Mac.
Hey.
Hey, thanks for calling, man.
So, where are the kids?
I can't wait to see those little
rug rats.
It's been forever.
I'm sure they're around
somewhere.
Go ahead and mingle, and maybe
you'll find 'em.
My kids aren't really here,
are they?
Uh... no.
No. No, I lied about that.
Thank god. Let's get
shit-housed, right, guys?
What a piece of shit that guy
is.
Yeah, he's a real piece of
shit, yeah.
Oh, my god.
What the hell is ponderosa
doing here?
Well, he's the one that's
responsible for Liam's eye, so
we figured, you know, he shows
up, it shifts the blame from us
to him, and, worst case
scenario, they'll take his eye.
Oh, my god, this is getting
way too confusing.
We got too many beefs.
I can't keep up.
God, Dee, we got it.
Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.
Too many beefs, we got it.
I'm not honking. I'm just...
I'm expressing something...
I'll admit it, it's getting
confusing, there's a lot of
people here.
See?
I'll take some of the blame
for that. I did invite...
Let us take the lead.
We got it, we got it.
Okay.
Can't get it to stay.
There you go.
(Indistinct chatter)
Hi, uh, everybody, I'd like
to say something, please.
Uh, could I have your attention,
please?
I'd like to say something, yeah.
Um, so, the pilgrims hated the
Indians and the Indians, they
despised the pilgrims.
Yeah.
But nonetheless, on
Thanksgiving, they got together,
right, and it wasn't about
apologizing to each other.
"Aw..."
It wasn't about admitting guilt.
Won't do that. Okay?
It was just about making the
peace... that was all that it was
about.
And if the Indians knew how to
sign shit, they probably
would've signed a peace treaty.
Right? So that's what we're
gonna do.
We're gonna make peace with each
other, and we're gonna get it in
writing.
All right? Is everybody amenable
to that?
Sound good?
Great, uh, so we'd like to
begin with bill ponderosa.
Yes.
(Applause)
It's not... there's no need
to clap.
It's not a clapping event.
No. Right. So...
Okay, so, um, bill, do you have
something you'd like to admit to
someone here?
Yes, actually, I do.
Uh, I once broke into Dee's
apartment and sniffed on her
panties.
What? Goddamn it! Beef!
No, I got beef with that.
Uh, can we, um... just stay
on track.
Um... bill, is there something
you want to say to the mcpoyles?
Oh, um... hey, hey.
I love that painted-on eye, man.
That is fun.
No. No, wait. No, no.
Okay. No, no, no.
All right, hey, hey, hey!
Everybody stop clapping.
All right, Liam, bill's the one
who put bath salts in the punch
at your wedding, all right?
He's the one who is responsible
for your empty eyehole.
Is this true, man?
Maybe. I...
The only thing I remember from
that night is my sponsor frank
giving me the green light to get
shit-housed.
That's true.
That happened.
I'll back that up.
Then it's your fault.
You owe my brother an eye!
All right, settle down!
Settle... take it easy, all
right?
Don't drag him into your beef
'cause I need him to focus on
ours here.
Hey, frank, I'm giving this
guy a handy under the table.
Are you jealous?
(Slurping sound)
She's mashing it.
She does that.
I'm very aroused.
Very good.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry.
Which one of you knows my
ex-wife and when are my kids
getting here?
They'll get here. Just...
Who's this jabroni?
Uh, this is the gentleman who
we mistook for Bruce Mathis.
Right, yep, and then we blew
up his car.
Don't say that!
A-all of this, and it was you
guys.
You owe me a car.
Whoa, easy, man!
That's a big leap right there.
Buddy, buddy, um, what's the
deal with your kids?
Y-you haven't see 'em in a
while.
Did you do something?
Is it... was it your fault?
Oh. I have a horrible drug
problem.
Ooh, I hear you.
I know that game, huh?
You want to do a bump here?
Yeah, of course I want a
bump.
I'll have a few of those
delicious nose clams.
Frank, no, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't clap for that!
What? I can't have squash?
I can't have blow?
We need you to focus!
Sign the damn treaty!
All right, you know what, hwang,
you sign the treaty.
I'll sign it.
Oh, gross! Don't touch me
with that hand!
Put your hand over here.
I'll take sloppy seconds.
Absolutely not.
Mash me, baby. Mash me.
No mashing at the table!
Stop mashing, all right?
Come on. Goddamn it, frank, I'm
starting to think I have beef
with you!
Yeah, us, too!
Okay, I have an idea.
It's time now to wipe the slate
clean.
No, you said we were gonna do
the hatchet thing first!
Don't worry about the hatchet
thing, okay?
That was an unsanctioned move.
Well, none of these moves are
working!
We got to do something else!
(Overlapping arguing)
Food fight! Food fight!
I guess!
What?!
No!
(Overlapping shouting, grunting)
Sign the treaty!
You owe me an eye, frank!
(Grunts)
(Screaming)
Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no. (Grunts)
Uh, this was a bad idea.
We stirred up too much
conflict.
Yeah. It smells like smoke.
Is something burning?
I think it's coming from your
room, dude.
What?!
My room's on fire.
Why is my room on fire?
I may have started a money
fire.
Why would you start a fire in
my room, frank?
I don't know, I don't know.
We got to think, we got to
think.
Think, think.
I've got an idea.
(Arguing in apartment)
So we're just gonna lock them
in there?
They're definitely gonna burn
to death.
Okay, guys, nobody's gonna
burn, all right?
There's a fire escape.
We'll call 911. We just need to
buy a little time so we can get
the hell out of here.
I feel like we're just
creating more beef.
Which we will not resolve.
Beefs are best left simmering
under the surface... I've learned
that now.
The best thing to do with a
beef is jam it deep down inside
and then press forward.
What are we gonna do now?
You know, we could just buy
thundergun and go to a
different wawa.
Yeah, it's a little
inconvenient, but it's better
than facing our problems.
Yeah, or saying we're sorry,
which I'm not doing.
Hell, no, I don't do that.
All right, you want to go
back to my place, get some
blankets, bundle up?
Just us? No one else?
That's what I'm thankful for.
We don't need to get along with
anybody else... we got each
other.
Yeah, screw everybody else.
I hate people who are
different than me, you know?
Why pretend?
(Inside): There's a fire
escape right here.
(Glass shatters)
Fire escape.
Out the window.
(Clamoring)
Who's got me? Man down.
I right back here, guys.
Who's got me? Guys?
Hello? Hello?
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
access.Wgbh.Org
* time isn't present in that
dimension
he'll take my arm
* when we're walkin', rolling
and rocking
it's one time I'm glad I'm not
* a man
feels like I'm dreaming but I'm
not sleeping. *
*
(trio chanting backwards)