For those of you who are too fucking busy,
here's what happened last week on Shameless...
Fuck it.
Dom here?
I was thinking you and me?
Yeah. Okay.
I cannot get visa with my husband imprisoned.
All right, what if you divorced Mickey, and somebody else marries you?
Oh...
Fiona, will you marry me?
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
FRANK: What's this?
Hey, Frankie, baby. We're off to the commune.
That sounds nice. Are we takin' the van?
IAN: I like having a purpose.
Studying to be an EMT. Feels like I'm back to my old self.
-Meaning? -Skeletons. Closet.
-I'm bipolar-- -I'm HIV positive.
Whoa.
-You haven't been tested? -No.
Hair of the dog?
When was the last time you stopped for a couple of hours?
Try it.
Hydrate. Get a good night's sleep.
By morning, you'll be good as new.
(COUGHS)
What the fuck?
I'd rather be riddled with bullets
-than spend one more hour in this place. -(GUNSHOTS)
These people care about me and my baby.
This is where I wanna raise my child.
There's something you should see.
Here we are.
You're farming opium?
(CHUCKLES)
-It's beautiful. -Mmm-hmm.
♪ (THEME SONG) ♪
(DEBS SCREAMS)
DEBS: It hurts so much.
Queenie!
(MOANS IN PAIN)
Hey, are you all right?
I think I felt something.
Like a cramp.
Wait, did it hurt?
I'm not due for another week.
Mother nature knows no clock.
Orgasms can induce.
I'm surprised the baby didn't pop out days ago,
the way you've been strumming your guitar.
Am I in labor?
Is the baby coming?
No, just relax, not for a while, okay?
But, still, I think we should go.
Go where?
To the birthing tent.
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
What a beautiful day to grow poppies.
Whoo-hoo!
You're lucky that cat couldn't aim for shit.
Careful, once cougars get a taste, they come back for more.
Not too much, Moon.
Frank,
you're supposed to be working compost.
You spend the day in a steaming pile of excrement.
I'll be in here with the opium.
I run the warehouse.
I thought we share everything on the commune.
Opium, compost, Queenie.
Except when it comes to orgasms.
Those, Queenie only shares with me.
-You want some constructive criticism? -No.
You put Queenie to sleep. There's no rhythm.
Your penis is like a sexual lullaby.
You gotta treat a woman like a poppy.
Know when to be gentle, and when to be rough.
Give 'em what they need, you'll have the best high you ever had.
-What's with the slumber party? -Oh.
The baby's awake?
Not yet. You didn't come to bed.
Oh, we were celebrating, and I fell asleep.
-Celebrating what? -I get divorce.
(WHOOPING)
(SIGHS) The papers came through.
-Lana is single. -Mmm.
Lana?
Yes, what V calls me.
What, you have a pet name for her?
VERONICA: It helps sell it.
-Sell what? -Our loving dyke relationship.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
No. No, no, no, no, no.
-We dropped the whole marriage idea. -You drop.
I'm not talking to you.
V, marriage is a sacred institution.
It's just for Immigration.
You're talking about being married to another person!
-You are. -Yeah, okay so...
But, look, you and I aren't married on paper, right?
But that doesn't change how I feel.
Me neither. It's not a big deal.
Give blessing. Is least you can do.
You're the one who outed her to INS.
Stop ganging up on me.
There are other options besides marriage.
What? Immigration is gonna put her back on the next boat to Moscow.
-KEV: I'll figure it out. -No time.
I'll fix it by the end of the day, okay?
Just, no more pet names.
Found more newspaper.
Uh, wrap the frames in it.
Is that Sean's shirt?
Yeah.
(SCOFFS) You're supposed to be packing it.
I'm meeting my girlfriend for breakfast.
I didn't know you two were official.
She told her dad. He flipped out.
Dads can be protective sometimes,
but he'll be all right when he meets you.
He already did.
Well, how'd it go?
Chased me with a bat.
(DOOR OPENS)
SEAN: I found a spot out front.
Didn't even have to double-park the U-Haul.
I think I know where to get a wedding dress.
-Oh, yeah? -FIONA: Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna stop by some florists later, too.
And a reception hall, if I have the time.
Hmm, you're going all out.
I'm fucking happy that I got it right this time.
I wanna celebrate it right.
It's all your fault.
You did this to me.
Sorry.
Better not be having second thoughts.
Oh, it's too late. I sold my furniture.
I talked to Will.
And?
He's happy to be my best man, he, um,
just not that crazy about wearing a tux.
What about your ex?
Actually, she said she was happy for us.
Except the moving in part.
Well, we're gonna do a full sweep of the house
with a metal detector, right, Carl?
Yeah. We're gonna make sure it's a demilitarized zone.
So Nikole's got nothing to worry about.
QUEENIE: Knock, knock.
FERN: Hi.
Just getting things ready for the blessed day.
Uh... This is Fern, our midwife.
And she has delivered dozens of babies.
I look forward to guiding your child
on its journey out of your womb into this beautiful world.
Where's the bed?
Oh, Mother nature never intended for us to give birth on a mattress.
DEBS: Oh, what's that?
Could use some Clorox.
Oh, no. We leave that there on purpose.
Afterbirth.
It connects each delivery to the next, like glorious links in a chain.
-(KNOCKS) -Queenie. Got a minute?
Oh, yeah.
-You're leaving? -No, no, no.
Your baby is not coming out anytime soon. You're in wonderful hands.
We can use this to time your contractions.
(GRUNTS) That's all right, we'll just count out loud.
When is the last time you delivered a baby?
'83, I think.
Hey.
Oh...
-Thanks. -Yeah, yeah, of course.
It's my pleasure to keep you barely functional.
-Here you go. -What happened to your eye?
Oh, I wish I knew. I, uh, went to a sorority party.
Had a few too many.
Jeez, you're up early.
Was it too cold to sleep in your car?
Ever had a dingle berry you couldn't shake?
Tried baby wipes?
It's a metaphor.
Dennison's on my ass. Midterm grades are due.
Yeah, I'm working on it. Tell Dennison to chill out.
You don't tell the head of the department to chill out.
You give her the midterm grades by the end of the day.
All right. I'll get them done.
What's that?
My paper's getting published later today.
They requested a photo.
Holy shit. That's you?
Other than a DUI mug shot, it's the only recent picture I could find.
Wow. You know, you actually look like a respected member
of the academic community.
Have you prepared for your internship interview?
Prepare? What, I gotta sell myself to work for free?
(SCOFFS) Good internships are hard to get. very competitive.
I don't know. Sounds like some millennial, Ivy League crap to me.
You're on scholarship.
You have a prestigious teaching assistant position.
It's time to stop thinking in terms of what a job pays
and start thinking in terms of building a career.
In the meantime, get your shit together
and turn in my midterm grades for my class.
So,
you two having sex?
-Dad! -No, Mr. Winslow.
Sergeant Winslow.
Carl treats me with respect.
One time, when it was cold, he gave me his jacket.
See?
Where'd you get the money for that?
Working.
The corner?
I wash dishes here.
Dad, stop it.
You asked me to sit down with the boy.
Give him a chance.
Okay.
Let's go. Come on.
(SIGHS) I don't usually get nervous before tests.
They tell you pretty fast if you're positive or negative.
I'm not talking about HIV. The EMT practical's this afternoon.
You serious?
Morning. My name is Nurse Edmonds.
Have you been tested for HIV before?
No.
I just poke your finger, take a little blood.
We get the results while you wait.
I need to ask you a few questions.
Approximately, how many sexual partners have you had?
Um...
It's hard to say.
Normally, we discuss this in private with the patient.
You want me to leave?
No problem. I'll wait outside.
So more than 10 partners?
You working today, son?
No.
You can ride with me.
We'll get to know each other better. Sound good?
Hmm. That sounds great. Thanks, Dad.
Anything for my little girl.
Call me.
I'm gonna drive you around, make my girl happy.
But don't get any ideas. I still think you're a piece of shit.
In here somewhere.
I'm thinking your wedding was gonna become an annual tradition like Thanksgiving.
I asked Lip and Ian to walk me down the aisle.
The ink's barely dry on your divorce.
Why are you giving me a hard time?
I love you. But if you're gonna change your mind,
do it before I shell out the money for your bachelorette party tonight.
I'm not changing my mind.
And it wasn't my idea to have it this early.
Look, I am not showing up to your wedding all bloated and looking like shit.
I need time to recuperate.
(SCOFFS) Weeks?
I plan on drinking a lot.
(GASPS) I found it.
Where did Monica get the bread for a wedding dress?
This was back when her parents had a little money.
And they approved of the first wedding.
First?
She married Frank twice.
First time only lasted a week.
She locked him in the trunk of the car,
left him in the K-Mart parking lot for days.
-Debs! We never talked baby names. -(KNOCKING)
So what do you think about naming her after your great grandmother?
She was a vicious cunt but Rose Gallagher has a, a ring to it, don't you think?
QUEENIE: What are you doing, Frank?
Checking on my daughter.
Oh, she's not in there. We took her to the birthing tent.
Debs is in labor?
Well, maybe.
But if she is, the baby won't come for a day or two.
Okay.
Oh, and you've been challenged.
Come again?
Well, if there is a grievance in the community,
we cut it right out before it has a chance to grow.
I'm not following.
Okay, when we try to avoid conflict, anger comes out.
But when we face it head on, we leave the anger there, in the Pit.
The Pit?
I thought I'd seen some pretty weird shit in my life.
Do you accept my challenge?
Um...
I guess.
(BLOWING HORN)
DEBS: What was that?
A challenge.
Haven't had one of those in a while.
-Oh, negative. -Good.
So how'd everything else go in there?
Fine.
That's it?
Yeah, I gotta get to my EMT test now.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
HARMONY: Brother Jupiter has come with a grievance against brother Frank.
After one of you taps out, the grievance will be left at the Pit.
What are the rules?
JUPITER: No rules.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
God.
I can't breathe!
I know!
(GRUNTS)
Say uncle!
(PANTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
No, no, no! Okay!
(FRANK LAUGHING)
Say it!
Uncle!
-(LAUGHING) -(GRUNTING)
(CHEERING)
Yes!
I don't know.
Who you waiting for, Kev?
This guy who says he can keep Svetlana from being deported
so V doesn't have to marry her.
So you wanna keep the Russian girl from marrying V
'cause V's your fake wife?
Yeah, what's so hard to understand about that?
Their marriage would be fake.
No, it'd be real.
So you wanna keep them from getting real-married
because you're fake-married and you wanna get real-married some day?
Yeah.
No... I don't know.
Stop making my head hurt. It doesn't matter.
The point is, is that the guy can get Svetlana a new identity.
Where did you meet him?
Ever hear of the internet?
I got a hooker on the internet once.
-Once? -(LAUGHS)
The point is, one time it wasn't a hooker, it was a cop.
-No shit? -I had no idea.
She got great reviews on ebony-trick-dot-com.
-(CHUCKLES) -I didn't know you're into black girls.
Oh, yeah. V's number one in my spank bank.
You're beating your meat to my wife?
Technically, she's not your wife.
Shut up, Kermit.
-(MOON MOANING) -Oh, yeah, Moon.
Pound it! Pound it! Pound it! Pound!
-No! Pound! -(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING AND MOANING)
-Thanks. -You're welcome.
Hey. I'm Phillip Gallagher.
Come in. You're, uh, Youens' TA?
Yeah, yeah. You, you're interviewing me?
Yeah. I'm 25, but I can't grow a beard for shit.
Nowadays, the younger you look, the smarter they think you are.
What's your GPA?
Uh, 3.9.
Why not 4.0?
Uh, teacher had it out for me after I corrected her algorithm.
She called me obnoxious. I called her a lazy fuck.
Was she?
She was coasting on tenure.
You won't have that problem with us.
No one at Chapman cares how many years you've put in,
only what ideas you have.
Great.
Where'd you work last summer?
Uh, demolition.
Is that the name of a start-up?
No, no. It's when you take down a building and you haul the pieces away.
Why aren't you going back?
Uh...
I guess it's just time to start thinking in terms of my career.
You know, look, I can tell you all about wave function collapse,
but I'm sure all you wanna know is
will I get your coffee with a smile. (CHUCKLES)
Not exactly coffee,
but definitely the crap work no one else wants to do.
You willing to pay your dues?
Did I mention I hauled slabs of concrete last summer?
I will be administering your psychomotor, or practical, test today.
You will be expected to perform the following.
Assessment and management of a trauma patient,
bag-valve-mask ventilation of an apneic patient,
spinal immobilization, traction splinting,
bleeding control and shock management,
upper airway adjuncts and suction...
No one used to care what happened here
before the yuppie money started coming in.
Just shithead on shithead violence.
If you were slinging drugs back then,
5-0 wouldn't have given a crap.
I'm straight now.
Well, you think I'm stupid?
No, sir.
Hmm.
How about Ben Rodney Junior there?
You think he's straight?
Let's find out.
Hey, Mr. Tea Party.
Let me see your hands.
What did I do?
Put both hands on the hood of the car now.
(SIGHS)
What are we gonna do with you?
Hmm?
Get the fuck out of here before I change my mind.
You coming?
No offense, but I thought you were a hand whore.
Oh, I use my hands for many things.
I just thought she could save you some dough.
(GASPS) Oh, look,
you can walk down an aisle of rose pedals for less than a grand.
I think the Four Seasons Maui is right up your alley.
We haven't decided where we're gonna tie the knot.
I wanna do it right this time.
You don't need a marriage license for that.
You just need a good man.
My marriage was too violent, low IQ, homosexual, I don't care.
Marriage is government document only.
Green card.
I don't want this wedding to be like the last time.
In and out of the courthouse,
then a shift at the diner, back to Gus's after eating leftovers.
We acted like our wedding was no big deal.
(SCOFFS) Maybe that's why the marriage didn't work out.
The marriage didn't work out 'cause you had the hots for Sean.
Wedding should be special. With friends and family there.
-Debbie? -Yeah. Of course.
I'm still hoping she'll give the baby up.
Oh, you want to get rid of the baby, give it to me.
I get top dollar for white baby with no defects.
-Is the baby coming soon? -Oh...
Maybe by tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Hey, how is my little trooper?
I need drugs. Get me drugs. Please.
We don't do drugs. Well, at least not for childbirth.
Maybe I should go to a hospital.
All doctors care about is cutting out babies
so that they can make it to their golf game.
Gotta let nature take its course.
(GROANS) Fuck nature. Get this baby out of me.
-You Kevin? -Who's asking?
I'm Damon from Craigslist.
How do I really know it's you?
-Could show you my license, I guess. -(SCOFFS)
You must really think I'm stupid.
What?
Like cops can't make a fake license.
You think I'm a cop?
Are you?
No.
That's exactly what a cop would say.
Do you want a fake identity or not, man?
Okay, you seem cool.
Sweet.
I found three deceased people whose identities could work.
This is a dude.
You said it was a rush job.
This chick died in 1977.
Svetlana's like 100 years younger, with great tits.
Okay. This last one might be what you're looking for.
KEV: What kinda name is Fatima?
Egyptian, I think.
Russian, Egyptian, who's gonna know the difference, right?
We got a deal?
Fatima.
(MOON LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.
Moon, you are insatiable.
My turn.
Well, after the way he handled himself at the Pit,
I want a taste of this fresh meat.
-Hands off, Harmony. -(MOANS)
FRANK: Limp on in, dear.
Oh. Okay.
Frank.
You will always be my Moon. But you must allow another to be my sun.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(PHONE VIBRATES AND CHIMES)
Oh, shit.
(SIGHS)
What the hell?
Did you get my messages?
Yeah, no. I'm just... I'm in the middle of something.
I can do whatever you need in a couple of minutes.
What I need is for you to leave immediately.
Sooner, if possible.
Um...
Wait, what?
You're fired, obviously.
-No. Why? -You really don't know?
(CHUCKLES) No one else from the party can forget.
The party? No, I am...
I kinda blacked out.
Not before you took all the group sorority photos off the wall
and used a marker to circle all the girls that you slept with.
(CHUCKLES) Fuck, I did that?
When I told you, you had to leave, you, uh, decided to mark your territory.
Mark my territory?
You peed on the carpet.
And then, all the other group photos, all the way back to '98.
Oh, um...
Look, I... I've had a really crappy couple of weeks.
Okay, you know, well, I was just blowing off some steam.
I mean, I got dumped, I got kicked out of my dorm room.
Yeah, the photos weren't the final target of your yellow tsunami.
Where else?
Not where.
Who?
I peed on you.
I'll be out in an hour.
-Yeah. -(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, and I told student counseling about what happened.
They'll need to talk to you today.
You get some kinda kick outta that?
Excuse me?
Stopping that guy with the rock.
Are you asking me why I jacked him up?
'Cause I want him to know.
Clean duds don't fool me, I know who he is.
Just like I know who you are.
I know you served time.
I know you think you're good enough for my daughter.
I'm not good enough for her.
She's awesome. I don't even know why she likes me.
But as long as she does, I'm gonna do whatever she asks,
even if it means spending a day with her asshole father.
DISPATCH: Any available unit, stolen blue pickup
traveling north on South Langley past East 67th.
A-57 show me handling.
(BOTH MOANING)
-Wanna, wanna flip over? -Oh...
I can't do doggy style. My bad leg, I topple over.
(LAUGHING)
No problemo.
Just don't stop doing what you're doing to my balls.
(MOANING) Balls?
(GRUNTS) Feels fantastic.
I imagine.
(GRUNTS)
We share everything on the commune.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (EXCLAIMS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SIREN WAILING)
He's runnin'.
Stay in the car.
A-57, in foot pursuit.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)
Hey, stop.
(GRUNTS)
Who the hell are you?
The law, motherfucker.
WADE: You respond to a scene where a victim
has fallen out of a third floor window.
Upon arrival, your patient is lying supine on the street.
-This my only patient? -It is.
Sir, can you hear me?
He appears unresponsive. Is he breathing?
Yes.
Checking pulses.
Checking carotid.
His pulses are weak.
I'm gonna do a quick rapid trauma.
Suspecting he may have a spinal injury. I'm gonna grab c-spine.
Excellent.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
I told you to stay in the car.
Don't hit your head on the way in, punk.
MOON: He was pity-fucking you, you gimp.
-Ladies, ladies. Hey, hey, hey, hey. -How the hell dare you call me a gimp.
-Easy, easy. Don't, ladies. -That's unbelievable.
Hey!
We can barely hear ourselves chanting in there.
What is going on? What's the ruckus?
Uh, these two, fighting over yours truly.
Fighting over you?
I didn't realize you hippie chicks are tired of the same five shriveled dicks
you've had for the last 40 years.
I've hit the mother lode.
Well, the grandmother lode. How's Debbie doing?
You laid with Moon and Harmony?
Hey. Give her credit, osteoporosis doesn't slow her down at all.
-And you were right-- -(SCREAMING)
Hey, hey. Easy.
What about free love and all that rolling stone crap?
Frankie is mine.
Oh, Queenie, nobody belongs to anybody around here.
-Just leave it alone. -All right, stop. Stop!
(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
To the Pit.
Sean?
SEAN: Upstairs.
You took down the slide?
Well, that wasn't a slide, it was a death-defying free fall.
-Getting rid of the bar next. -(CHUCKLES)
So, found Monica's wedding dress.
I'm having it altered.
Think it might actually turn out really pretty.
I know this sounds crazy, but I kinda wanna get married in a church.
Now, we're talking.
(CHUCKLES) St. Katherine's gets you hot?
If you're in nothing but that.
Don't get any ideas, I'm changing for the bachelorette party.
You got time before you gotta go.
No sex before the wedding.
Ah! No, I couldn't possibly heard that right.
It's tradition.
Yeah, so is the bride being a virgin.
Gus and I got married after a crazy intense sex bender.
I'm pretty sure I didn't need to know that part.
This time's gonna be different.
But, look, if you want all the wedding hoopla, you got it.
But our marriage is gonna be different than the other one.
Because it's us.
Did you say all that just 'cause you wanna get laid?
No. No. But, uh, did it improve my chances?
-Yes, it did. -Mmm-mmm.
You gotta be...
-Are you shittin' me? -(DOOR CLOSES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hi, Phillip. I'm Yvonne.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Uh, look, we get this over with,
-so I can go find some place to live. -(CHUCKLES)
Um, how often do you drink, Phillip?
Is this about the other night?
You violated the school's alcohol policy.
Sorry, the school has an alcohol policy?
Yeah, we take it seriously.
Okay, look, you do realize that the majority of students
on this campus drink so much they could major in beer pong.
We're not talking about everyone else.
There are even houses students can join
for the express purpose of getting shitfaced.
(SCOFFING) They, uh, have Greek letters above the door.
We're here to talk about your problem.
I don't have a problem.
You were in the ER.
I overdid it.
Once.
Look, I've been drinking since I was 10.
Since you were 10?
Oh, why are you writing that down?
And what drove you to drink when you were 10?
-Is it problems at home? -Jesus fucking Christ.
Look, I have midterms to grade. Okay?
Okay, when a student violates the school alcohol policy,
he is required to attend counseling,
both one-on-one and group sessions with other student alcohol abusers.
Okay, I'll check my schedule.
It's mandatory.
Or what?
Expulsion.
(MOANS)
My back is killing me, how much longer?
Oh, only the Mother Goddess knows.
I think this was a mistake, coming here.
Oh, nonsense.
Once we get this water boiling, we can sterilize the tools.
Those look a little medieval.
And never let me down.
Got my cervical dilator, my forceps,
my hook.
Your hook?
In case I need to break your water.
Is there anything we can do to speed this up?
Well, sometimes baby comes faster when the nipples are stimulated.
-(CRACKS KNUCKLE) -Unbutton your top.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey.
I need to crash here tonight.
You got the midterm grades?
Can I sleep here or not?
No, it's my office.
Where are my midterm grades?
Look, I'm sorry I didn't have time to finish your work,
I was busy getting fired, kicked out of my room
and forced to write a 10 page essay on the dangers of drinking.
The Department pays me to teach and grade students.
Yeah, well, maybe they should be paying me, since I'm the one doing it.
You're two or three advanced degrees away from that.
Give me the midterms, I'll do it myself.
Look, did you hear what I just went through?
Heard. Don't care.
Why are you being such a dick?
Look. We've knocked back a few,
but you've forgotten I'm your boss.
I expect you to do your job.
So I should thank you for ripping me off?
-Excuse me? -I read the paper you got published.
Nice job stealing my ideas about complex wave functions.
(SCOFFS) I gave you credit.
Yeah, as one of your research assistants.
When I was at Yale, I wrote half of Jesnick's theories
on non-Newtonian fluids, it benefitted both of us.
You're taking a shit in my mouth and saying you bought me dinner?
-It's the way it works. -It's fucking bullshit.
Look, you realize you're speaking to the one person
who hasn't fired you in the last few hours, right?
Oh, is that supposed to be a threat?
You're smart, Lip, but grow the fuck up.
Oh, like you?
What a drunk has-been, coasting on an outdated reputation,
thriving off of other people's work.
Fuck.
No wonder your kid wants nothing to do with you.
(SIGHS)
-(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) -Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
-(CHUCKLES) -Voilà, ladies.
-(VERONICA LAUGHING) -(CROWD CHEERING)
Uh-uh, you said you wanted traditional. (SNAPS FINGERS)
(SCOFFS) I don't want a hairy ass in my face.
Speak for yourself.
That guy's got bacne. Not exactly Magic Mike.
I'm not picky.
This is what I planned, so this is what we're doing. It's gonna be epic.
Shots, Pueblo Viejo.
Hey, give this to owner.
What's that for?
For special price, owner lets us do special show.
What's a special show?
Oh, you'll see.
-Bottoms up, ladies! -Whoo-hoo!
(WHISPERING) Daddy! Daddy!
Hey! I wanted to see you but the neonatal Nazis wouldn't let me.
Shh. Don't wake Queenie.
After the beating she gave those two broads at the Pit,
I'm not poking that bear.
How you feeling?
(BREATHING HARD) I wanna leave, before my next contraction hits.
What?
This place is paradise!
The midwife doesn't remember what half of her instruments are for,
and the ones she does remember look like torture devices.
And she spent the last hour stimulating my nipples.
I'm tired.
My genitals haven't pulled a triple shift
since the '94 Puerto Rican Day Parade.
No, Daddy, please! I'm scared. I want to go home.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies, we have a bachelorette in the house tonight,
our first dance is for the future
-Mrs. Fiona Pierce. -Oh...
-Ladies, make some noise! -(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHTER)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
(ALL GASP)
KERMIT: What?
You said were all doing the Full Monty!
(CHEERING)
(SIGHING)
I was hoping someone would shoot you today,
save myself a lot of trouble.
But I guess, I was wrong about you, Carl.
Really?
Fuck, no.
You think tackling some punk is gonna change anything?
I still hate all 115 pounds of you,
I'm gonna be watching you like a drone.
If I find out you've been fucking my daughter,
I'm gonna take you out.
Thanks for the ride, Sergeant Winslow.
Hey!
What the hell's all that about?
I think I wanna be a cop.
(SIREN CHIRPS)
I got it pierced years ago. I...
-Did it hurt? -No.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Take that!
Thank you, thank you. But I'm not actually a stripper.
Shut up! Take the cash.
Nice moves, babe. You deserve this.
Whoo! Yeah. (LAUGHING)
Thank you, I've never dranken from a penis before.
Lana and I have news.
No, Fatima.
-What? -That's her new name.
She's Egyptian now. Asalaam alaikum.
How much you pay for piece of shit?
Why, what's wrong with it?
It's got 10 numbers.
-KEV: Is that bad? -Social security numbers have nine.
Fuck me!
Guy scammed me, all right, I'll get a better one, give me some time.
SVETLANA: Already fixed.
What do you mean?
We took care of it.
How?
Courthouse, this afternoon, in and out and hitched.
What?
You got married?
Like fast food drive through McLesbian wedding.
You didn't say anything.
Not a big deal.
That's not the point! You went behind my back.
It's just a piece of paper.
(DEBS SCREAMING)
Contractions are only three minutes apart!
-Are you sure? -Yes!
(LABORED BREATHING AND SCREAMING)
Well, squeeze your legs together!
(WHIRRING)
(DOOR OPENS)
I aced the test.
Congratulations.
And then I get the paperwork to get certified.
"Have you ever spent any time in a mental institution
"or been treated for mental illness?"
Fucking believe that?
I get a perfect score on my test and they wanna keep me from being an EMT
because I fucking...
I spent a few days in an inpatient program?
Lie.
What?
It's none of their god damn business.
You would want me to lie to them?
Sign it and send it in.
Really?
Why not?
Well, you were pissed at me this morning
'cause I didn't wanna tell you my sexual history.
I was.
So, you want me to lie to them but not to you?
Yeah.
You don't see a problem with that?
They're not sucking your dick.
It's a job, your mental health is none of their business.
Were you worried I was gonna freak on how many guys you've been with?
I'm a good-looking fireman.
Son, I'll go toe-to-toe with your number any day of the week.
I told the nurse I have no idea how many guys I've been with.
I danced in a strip club,
and I worked the back of the house as much as the front.
All right.
Okay.
I did a porn movie.
You did a porn?
Bareback.
Got it.
Give me that.
(PEN CLICKS)
Fuck 'em.
Sign it.
We drop it in the mail on the way to Carmadelle's.
I made a reservation.
Told them to put some champagne on ice.
I knew you were gonna ace that shit.
(GRUNTS)
I'm coming.
Here you go!
Frank, you're the only one who's ever been there for me.
Taking me to the doctor appointments,
making sure I always have a roof over my head,
bringing me home.
You're carrying on a family tradition, having your baby here.
All my kids were born in this house.
Almost all of them survived.
I'll cut the cord.
-DEBS: Hey! -Okay, come on.
-What are you doing? Hey! -Shouldn't have fucked with G-Dog.
Gentlemen, I know we can figure something out.
-You don't mean to do that. -Let's go!
FRANK: It's pretty dramatic, don't you think?
DEBS: Wait, where are you taking him?
Where are you going?
Hey!
Dad!
Frank!
(MOANING)
-Oh. -(WATER TRICKLING)
My water!
Help!
Somebody help me!
-FIONA: Lay down, lay down! -(GROANS)
All right, all right, I'll get my truck so we can go to the hospital.
No! No hospitals!
-We don't have time to argue. -(SCREAMS)
No shit. This baby is coming.
-Now? -She's crowning.
-Oh... -What the fuck are you doing?
I capture moment.
Quick, who delivered Liam?
Monica. She was high, he slid right out.
Go, get Sylvia from down the block, she's a nurse.
No good, she's at Cook County.
I thought she worked at Rush.
No, Cook County Department of Corrections.
She shot her husband.
You worked at a nursing home.
Changing bed pans, I never delivered a damn baby!
FRANK: My daughter's having a baby, you animals!
I don't mean, not animals, like, jungle animals.
It's not a race thing. I... Come on.
I don't have a racist bone in my body.
Why are there blankets on the walls?
That's an excellent question.
You know, people think that the best way to trap sound is foam
but that's a misconception, dawg.
Foam prevents echo,
but it don't stop noise.
You're looking at nine layers of five-eight sheetrock
plus the best fiberglass money can buy.
Home Depot,
that's my jam.
Final touch, thick blankets, which are surprisingly effective.
At what?
Making sure no one hears you screaming.
Oh, come on!
-(TORCH CLICKS) -You don't have to do that. Please.
CORTEZ: Thirty-five hundred degrees,
burn fingers right off.
I'll get the money! I will get the money!
Somehow! I'll do it. I'll make it right with your boss!
I'll make it right!
I can make it right. Come on! Come on!
Okay, hold on, I can get opium!
A lot of it.
(SCREAMING)
Is she gonna have the baby on the table?
All right, ambulance is on its way.
LIP: It says we need towels.
-FIONA: Already got 'em. -Okay, okay.
So, put them under her to catch all the...
Fuck! Just put them under!
Shit!
It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay. I'm right here.
When I was having my girls, the doc told me
to do three quick pants and then one long blow, okay?
(PANTING AND EXHALING)
-I'm gonna do it with you, okay? -SEAN: There you go.
(PANTING)
(GROANS)
We're gonna start pushing now, okay?
-Uh-huh... -All right? Here we come.
-All right. -Ready and push!
-(DEBS GRUNTING) -Push, push, push, push! Push, baby, push!
LIP: Let's go! All right!
-VERONICA: Push! Don't stop! That's it! -(SCREAMING)
Which way?
FRANK: Over there.
CORTEZ: You try to run, we break your legs.
Is the baby okay?
-Yeah. She's great. -(BABY COOING)
(GASPS) She?
VERONICA: Yeah.
Oh.
You did amazing, Debs.
My God.
My daughter.
She's so big.
Hi, Frances.
Do you recognize my voice?
Frances?
-After her grandfather. -(BABY CONTINUES COOING)
Frank?
Yeah.
She's so beautiful!
Thank you.
FRANK: All right, all right.
See?
I told you.
It's fucking beautiful.
(STAMMERING) Where's the opium at?
It's right here.
What the fuck are we supposed to do with plants?
Where do you think opium comes from?
I never made the shit!
-Well, you got to harvest it. -(GUN COCKS)
Get the fuck out of my warehouse!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Put down the gun, you grizzled-ass bitch.
You don't wanna do this.
You're trespassing.
Where's the opium, old man?
You punks don't scare me, I was at Khe Sahn.
Where's the fucking opium?
Don't do it.
(GUNSHOTS)
Frank!
-We'll take her to Rush. -We'll be right behind you, Debs.
I'm coming, too.
Uh, no, that's okay.
You don't want me to come?
I do, but you were right, I need to do this on my own.
-Debbie, I-- -It's just me.
EMT: Excuse me, miss. t me.