Jesus Christ, it's a simple question!
Who can tell me what happened on Shameless last week?
I know you were watching last week
instead of doing your quantum physics homework.
What about you?
Any of you deadbeats watch what happened last week?
-CHUCKIE: Grandma! -Queenie?
I was looking for this chubby little menace. Good to see you.
God. Let's do it. Take your pants down.
We still need a volunteer to host
the foster child we're receiving this morning.
-We'll take him. -What?
We're here!
Well, the good Lord gave us a few more refugees than we expected.
Since I've been sick, I haven't been much use.
There's no shame in having help.
-She was dying! -Now she's not.
There's no way they're gonna keep a nanny if Erica is healthy.
You gotta find another way in.
I try to find the secret life in things.
Can I kiss you?
Klimt, I got it for you.
Those paintings I mentioned, prepare to have your mind blown.
If she loses her job because of me, she's never gonna wanna see me again.
-What, that's how you want to end this? -Don't follow me. Don't text me.
Gus wouldn't sign.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Buy back the house.
Yo, what did you do?
Why?
-(WOMAN SOBBING) -(SIREN BLARING)
♪ (THEME SONG) ♪
(RAP SONG PLAYING)
-(QUEENIE MOANING) -FRANK: Give it to me, mama. Yeah!
Every little ripple.
QUEENIE: Oh, ho! That's it! That's it! That's it, Frankie baby! Right there!
-(QUEENIE MOANING) -FRANK: Yes, baby! Oh, God!
-(FRANKIE AND QUEENIE MOANING) -FRANK: Yeah, I got you. I got you.
Yo, Pedro, I want that delivery here in an hour.
If not, somebody gonna get docked.
(FRANK AND QUEENIE MOANING LOUDLY)
(ALARM RINGING)
(GROANING)
Your mouth would be a much better alarm.
Well, hit snooze. Let's double our luck.
I gotta get back.
-I gotta not let you get back. -(LAUGHS)
This has been really nice, the past couple nights.
No kids. No chaos. But...
-You need the chaos? -I need to check on some things.
Something's going on with Carl.
He's acting like he owns the place, which... I guess he kinda does...
Does Frank still have that hippie over there?
Yeah, doing God knows what.
Well, no hippies here. Just me and you.
(MOANING)
I gotta pick Liam up, take him to Head Start.
-Can I get a ride? -If I could get a ride first.
-What's 10 more minutes? -Okay.
Breakfast, my offspring!
Who wants to join Papa and Queenie for some morning fuel?
Mmm... Cleans your insides, Frankie.
Smells like you wouldn't know a colon cleanse
if it ran right through your cute little rectum.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Thank you, my confederate Queen.
The rest of these ingrates could care less about the state of my colon.
But not you.
Well, you're the king of your castle, Frankie.
Don't let those young'uns forget who's papa.
I'm glad someone finally recognizes that.
And you're still a sexy fucker.
I've got a brand new liver. I'm as good as 18 again.
Uh, hell of a stud you were at that age.
You could do things with your tongue that would make a rattlesnake blush. Whoo!
Best sexual era of my life.
The south side was never so bright as the day you crossed
the Mason-Dixon line and came into my loins.
-(LAUGHS) -And now,
it's 18-year-old déjà vu all over again.
Oh, just temporary, Frankie. The grandson's probation papers
should be coming through in the next three days,
and then it is back to the Eco Village for Chuckie and me.
That's nonsense. What do they got on a farm we don't have here?
Eco-conscious living. Everything is solar-powered.
Working out there as an herbalist.
-An herbalist? -Yeah, organic farming.
It's not like all this urban wasteland that you have here.
I finally found my calling, Frankie.
Helping and healing people. That's what I do.
You can't leave now. We're having too much fun!
What's a King without a Queenie by his side?
Now, them's the rules of free love, Frankie.
Mama is a rollin' stone.
Now, drink up.
Wow!
(ALARM RINGING)
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
-What time is it? -Twenty minutes till your class starts.
Well, seems we have properly drowned our woes.
-You'll have to teach class today. -I think I'm still wasted.
Sign of a successful evening in the cups. What say we handle this professionally?
-I'll flip you for it. -All right. Got a coin?
(GROANS)
I got it.
-Heads or tails? -Tails.
Okay.
-You're up. -Son of a bitch.
Uh, excuse me, what the hell are you doing?
-Who are you? -This is my house.
-The owner approved everything. -The owner?
Mr. Gallagher.
(SIGHS)
Frank, you ordered all this stuff?
Wrong Mr. Gallagher.
Your young brother's responsible for all of these improvements.
Carl?
Only one around here I see making an honest living.
I need for someone to sign this liquor shipment.
That would be me, sir. What's a father for,
if not to help his son acquire life's liquid pleasures?
(METAL CLANKING)
-Uh, what are you doing in my room? -Shit.
-Thought you moved out. -Well, I didn't.
Carl kicked me out, and yours was empty.
Couch is still free.
Where you want these now, Mr. Gallagher?
Right over there with the rest of the shipment.
Hey, yo, tell your boss next time if they ain't got any peach vodka,
I'm gonna find myself a new distributor.
What the hell is going on?
Upgrading the crib, since it's technically mine now.
-Not with my name on the deed, it's not. -With my money it is.
Got some homies coming over later to kick it.
-Place gonna be popping. You feel me? -Yeah. We feel you.
Your homie Nick put you up to this?
-Yeah, Nick's gone. -Where?
-You guys get in a fight or something? -I gotta bounce.
If you ever need to talk, just give me a holler.
(SCOFFS) Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Phil, but I'm good.
Frank gets a bedroom and I get the fucking couch, yeah?
No fucking way.
Fuck!
You could just stay at my place tonight.
I just got us the house back. I'm not getting booted out. God damn it!
You awake? Hi!
First time I've had the energy to cook in forever.
-Umm, I can go start on the kids' lunches. -Uh, no.
-Umm, we need to talk. -Is everything okay?
I want you to know that it's been great having you here,
and I'll always appreciate how much you helped our family.
Well, I really love being here. Feels like home.
Umm.
I put a bonus in your last check just to thank you for all that you've done.
I really, I wish that we could keep you, but...
With my cancer in remission, we really can't afford it.
Wait. You're letting me go? Just like that?
What about my baby? What about you and me?
-Wow! Oh, my gosh! -What, is it the baby? Did it kick?
First time ever! You wanna feel it?
Okay.
You're so cool and I really wish we could bond more.
Do you think maybe we could talk about it later
when the kids aren't around? Just us girls?
Of course. Of course, we can.
All right! Pack it in there, God's little army.
We still got one more pick-up before we hit the road.
Tell God we deserve an extra stash for his little army.
These rug rats ate us out of house and home.
Well, you better pray on it, 'cause that's the only way you're getting more cash.
The church is tapped, honey.
Reverend Michaels drives a brand new Beemer
and flashes that tacky gold watch every time he waves hello.
Don't you be bad-mouthing Reverend Michaels.
The good Lord wants us to be prosperous.
Rewards the devout with all sorts of heavenly gifts.
Earthly ones, too.
The man wears thousand-dollar suits and Gucci loafers.
-What's this? -To keep you safe.
A shiv.
(ENGINE STARTING)
Gonna miss our little bouncers.
No mass murders, kids.
-Well, back to peace and quiet. -Peace, my ass.
House full of kids, no bonus, no paid vacation,
god better be handing out charity rebates.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey.
-Hungry? -I am now. What you got?
Pancakes, eggs and sausage. Whatever you like.
You offering me morning sausage?
Shit, am I interrupting something?
Making a wedding gift for my cousin. No big deal.
-Looks cool. -Wanna touch it?
-The flower? -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, my cousin won't appreciate it, but I don't care. It's all in the giving.
You headed to the firehouse today? Was hoping I could tag along.
No, took it off for the wedding.
Whole family in attendance. Should be fun.
Oh, okay.
You thought anymore about applying?
-To be a fireman? -Yeah, why not?
I don't know where I'd start, honestly.
You start as an EMT. I can help you apply.
-Yeah? -Sure. What do you have to lose?
Yeah, maybe.
I should go, let you get ready.
Hey, listen. Listen.
I don't know if it's too weird or whatever,
but would you wanna be my wedding date?
My family's a bit much
but I think you would make the whole thing a lot more fun.
All you gotta do is eat whatever my Aunt Francine offers you.
And dance with me when Rihanna comes on.
I can do that.
-Wassup, my dude? How you feelin'? -Hey, what's up? Chillin'.
Word on the yard is we all bouncin' after fourth period
and postin' up at your crib.
Yeah. No doubt.
Yo, I heard you got that recording studio and whatnot.
You gonna let ya boy get up on the mic?
-You can't spit, dawg. -Shut up, dude. I gots bars.
Yo, no worries. I got you on the mic.
We also got that puff puff pass for that ass, too.
But y'all gotta bring some homies through.
Place gonna be bumpin'. Like a pimp's paradise.
That's wassup. Catch you later, fam.
-A'ight. -Peace.
Phillip Gallagher here to see you, Ms. Taylor.
Thank you, Toria. Send him in.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I got this letter in my mailbox.
Says I'm terminated as a Resident Assistant.
Does this have something to do with me and Professor Runyon?
This has nothing to do with Professor Runyon.
This is about you vandalizing dorm property.
Vandalizing?
Painting on the walls of your room. That's not allowed.
Okay, well, where am I supposed to live?
I'm sorry. You need to remove your things from the dorm today.
-Kid, what are you doing here? -They sent me home from school.
Well, beat it. Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action.
No cock-blocking.
-Hey, wait! What's going on here? -Yeah, buddy. Who got you all snot-nosed?
Oh, my gosh.
Who upset my little woodchuck?
They suspended me.
Well, you weren't fighting, were you? You're still on probation.
No. My teacher wouldn't let me share my book report in class.
And sent me to the principal's office.
Well, what for?
Well, it's just a wild guess, but maybe the report topic?
"Mein Kampf."
Hitler's Mein Kampf?
Advanced level fascism. I didn't even know the boy could read.
(SIGHS) Well, I would've preferred Gandhi, but it's not your fault.
The juvenile prison system has warped your brain.
(CRYING)
(SHUSHING) It's okay.
Grandpa and me can teach you school right here, okay?
No, no...
Let's not be hasty.
We shouldn't pull young upchuck out till he finishes the school year.
He needs social interaction with his peers.
Isolation could wreak havoc on his underdeveloped mind.
Hey! Hey, buddy.
You let Grandpa Frank work his magic on the middle school P.C. police, okay?
Okay.
Chuckles.
-I got a surprise for you. -What's this?
The hotel we're staying at as soon as you pack your bags.
It's got city views overlooking whatever Gary, Indiana, has to offer.
But it's got a pool, it's got a bar, and we're going there.
And check this out! Honeymoon suite.
Baby, you were right. We earned a vacation.
-You planned this yourself? -I wanted to surprise you.
You know, for all the shit that I've been giving you the past few weeks.
I can't believe you actually organized a trip for me!
-Wait, who's gonna watch the girls? -I got it covered.
I watch chocolate-vanilla babies. For small fee. You go vacation.
Baby!
Carl! Hey, umm, I need some help. Got any tips on gay sex?
-What? -DEBS: Like in juvie or whatever.
-I didn't do gay sex in juvie. -No, but like,
what'd you see? Didn't people talk about it all the time?
I need to figure out how to reverse the instructions.
Or maybe you can't reverse the instructions? I don't know.
Is there like a basic rule or something?
I can't do this right now. I got too much on my mind.
You watch lots of porn, Carl. What about lesbian sex?
I need details, Carl. My baby's future depends on it.
Fine!
-Uh, do the shocker. -The shocker?
Two in the pink, one in the stink. I'll text you a pic.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(BELL DINGS)
Holy shit, someone's in outer space.
-OJ in the coffee? Nice. -Shit.
Community college dine and dashers.
We got three out the door and last one ready to break. Keep watch.
-God damn it! -Hey.
-Fuck! -Hey, hey, careful, I like those hands.
I'm a fucking mess.
The stuff at home?
It's like I stay away for a few nights and suddenly I'm in exile.
-Family growing pains, it's normal. -(SIGHS)
Truth is, I... I kinda like being in the middle of everyone's shit, you know?
-Is that crazy? -Well, slightly compulsive.
There's no rule that says you gotta stay there every night to be involved.
(SCOFFS) Apparently, there is.
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Patsy's, call for the missus on line two.
Got it, thanks.
This is Fiona. Yes?
(GROANS) Okay. I'll be right there.
Liam's got lice. I gotta go pick him up at school.
And just like that, you're right back in the shit. Feel better?
-You mind if I take off? -No, go. We can handle it without you.
You wanna come over for dinner at the house later?
Ha! And risk catching lice?
-I'm gonna take that as a yes. -Uh-huh. All right.
My kid had lice. Nobody gave me time off for it, either.
Had to comb it out for two weeks straight.
Two weeks?
(GROANS)
$27.50, you little shithead. And a five buck tip. Cash.
-Shitty day, huh? -Yep.
Heard what happened earlier. School bureaucracy is such bullshit.
I'm Toria. From Ms. Taylor's office?
Oh, oh! Yeah. Hey.
You heading to student housing? That place is swamped.
No, no. I can't afford it. You know, it was free when I was an RA.
I'm probably gonna have to move home.
You any good in the kitchen?
The house mother from my sorority is interviewing for House Boy today.
I thought you might be interested.
Last one knocked up one of the pledges and got booted, so...
Comes with room and board.
I could give you a heads-up if you wanted.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
-Info's on this flier. -Thanks.
-Hey, wait, what's this? -My handle. If you're ever on Instagram.
-You not gonna speak? -Oh, hey.
Okay.
You went from being sprung to being stuck up?
You skipping today?
I've got too much on my mind. Trying to get my head straight.
-Where's your bodyguard? -Gone.
Probably for a long time.
Is it okay if I sit here awhile?
Yeah, that'd be okay.
You hungry?
Don't worry about being the only cream in the coffee.
You're blending perfectly.
-Your family knows you're gay, right? -Oh, yeah. They know.
Eat the hell out of that egg.
Aunt Francine will shove it down your throat if you don't.
Mmm.
I'm not used to so many relatives being under the same roof
without the cops chasing someone through the place.
Your family's so functional.
Well, functional can be a tricky little bitch.
Son, were you going to come and greet your mother and I?
Or did you think you could avoid us all day?
We just got here. Mom and Dad, this is Ian.
We met at the firehouse and have been hanging out lately.
-Hi. -Ian, these are my folks.
Hello, I'm Ronetta. And this is Pastor Daniels.
Where's your church home, Ian?
I... I don't have a church home.
Well, Caleb should invite you to come with us sometime.
-We'd love to have you. -Okay.
If you can get him to show up. Wedding's starting soon. Excuse us.
Your dad's a pastor? Didn't think about giving me the heads-up on that one?
Hey! Nothing I say could really prepare you for any of this.
But don't worry.
You'll have plenty of time to get acquainted
-before he plans our homo-exorcism. -Homo-what?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-Mr. and Mrs. Slott. -Gallagher, for me.
Your grandson Charles tried to read a very offensive book report
to Mr. Schwiebert's class.
The boy doesn't know what he's saying.
Our grandson is a little slow between the ears.
Your grandson seems to believe that he's a Nazi.
-Any ideas where he's getting that from? -Most likely other Nazis.
Charles received a suspension as a lesson for his behavior
and a failing grade on the paper.
His shit-for-brains mother couldn't pass gas, let alone middle school.
My grandson wrote an entire report here and you're gonna fail him for this?
Hey, I read it. Couple of grammatical things here and there,
he didn't remember to capitalize "Auschwitz," but the kid can write.
Hitler's diatribe on Aryan superiority
is not an appropriate theme for a sixth grade book report.
Did you tell the class they couldn't write about Nazis?
Well, usually, they're not writing from the Nazi perspective, so, no.
Look, it's okay to write about mass murderers,
you just can't side with the mass murderers.
Uh, this is a direct attack on his First Amendment rights.
A right, I might add, that belongs to everyone,
regardless of intelligence deficiencies or possible retardation.
Yes. But there are conditions to those rights.
Like yelling fire in a public theater
or preaching white supremacy to middle school students.
Look, we simply can't allow Hitler's hate speech
to alienate our diverse student body.
We've worked very hard to create an open atmosphere for all our students.
Look, you can't go teaching equality
and then get your human rights panties in a bunch
when it comes with a couple of wedgies. Every asshole is entitled to his beliefs.
That's the yin and the yang of democracy.
It's this same freedom that allows you to teach wearing that silly beanie
and those Crayola-colored kids out there to go to school together.
And it, it doesn't matter, anyway! Pretty soon, there's not gonna be
any Jew or Aryan or Hindu or Muslim or Mexican or Blacks.
It's just gonna be the rich and the fucked,
and our grandson is already one of the fucked.
So, at least let the boy express the degenerate ideas
he can actually comprehend.
And that, my multicultural friends, is liberty and justice for all!
Or we could call the Attorney General and the ACLU.
I'm sorry. I probably should've started with that.
WOMAN: I'm Marilyn, the sorority house mother.
You're the young man Toria recommended?
Yeah, yeah, she, she said you might need some help in the kitchen.
And the bathroom, laundry room, common areas.
Occasionally, killing a bug, maybe being handy with a hammer.
-You think you can handle that? -Sure, yeah.
Uh, she said it came with housing, though? I need a place to crash.
There's a room and a shower in the basement where you can sleep.
Now, you are not allowed to use the bathroom on the upper levels.
That is a strict policy. Understood?
I'm sorry. The, the room, though, it's, it's here in the house?
Yeah, and three squares a day.
We're backed up for rush, so if you can start today, you're hired.
Yeah. No, I can, I can start immediately.
Get settled in and we'll see you at lunch.
Congratulations. You're the new house boy of Gamma Delta Rho.
Right.
(GIGGLING)
Oh! We got a king-size bed! Sweet!
Ooh! You know what, we should take some of these.
And then call down for some more, later.
(EXCLAIMS)
Sheesh!
What do you think? Piss or jizz?
Probably A and B. Some R. Kelly freaky combo shit.
-When'd you pack that? -When I yelped this place.
What, you packed those, too?
DIY, bitches.
Whatever animal hatched up in this piece is about to get aroma therapied.
Baby, look, from here on out, it is total relaxation for you, okay?
Please let me take care of everything else. You promise?
Of course, baby.
Now, let's go down to the bar. They've got drink specials,
and free mini hot-dogs and spicy wings until sundown.
How do you always know everything?
Oh, my God. He's cute.
He's so hot.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Two mugs for me and the lady, and a soda for the retard.
Celebrating a victory in educational democracy.
Democracy can suck my ass.
Fucking Obamacare wins and the insurance companies still dick you.
Interesting ritual. For what, might I ask?
-I make sterile for mouth. -Tommy's got some rot teeth.
Little shop of horrors here is gonna remove 'em for me.
Tell me, who is thick gypsy woman I make drinks for?
Fellas and Russian, that Southern-fried pork chop
is the finest fuck I ever let get away.
The sensations folded in that earthly body are aplenty.
Got yourself a real Dixie chick, Frank?
That woman knows how to treat a fella like royalty.
If not for her, anarchy would rule in my house.
She's the key to my survival around here. Can't let this one slip away.
-Go get 'em, stud. -(CHUCKLES)
For the lady.
Frankie, I have to tell you,
you were pretty fantastic at the school today.
Your animal instincts came out. Got me all moist in the thighs.
Yeah, we make a fine pair of primates, don't we?
(LAUGHS) What are you talking about? We're terrible together, Frankie.
Why ever would you say such a thing?
I tried to smash your head in the car door not once, but twice.
-You remember? -Vaguely.
And you told everybody I was nothing but a good fuck
on the washing machine at the laundromat.
Taken out of context.
Not to mention the fact that you split
after I told you that I was knocked-up with our psychopath daughter.
Sammi has never been fit to raise that boy.
And you're partly to blame. She's your neglected seed.
I'm more mature now. Age is love's best refinery.
Give me a second chance to get it right.
Back in the Eco Village, Frankie, I'm the healer.
I have to go where I'm needed most.
Your healing powers could work wonders around here.
As a matter of fact, I know the perfect person who could use your help.
Have I mentioned to you my impregnated teenage daughter?
You have a pregnant daughter?
As a matter of fact, would you excuse me for one second?
Gotta check on the poor thing.
I'm all she's got to get her through this very confusing time.
Quick. I gotta borrow a phone.
-Two dollars, I loan you cell. -For one lousy text message?
-Fine, $20. -Oh, come on!
You're such a role model, Debbie.
Your decision to raise a child on your own is inspiring.
-Me? Really? -Yeah. Absolutely.
I didn't have half the strength at 18 that you have.
You're so sure of yourself. I just know you're going to go far.
This is nice, right? Just you and me, hanging out together.
It is.
I'm going to miss you.
You, you promise you'll still come around and say hello? Please?
Debbie, wait--
I really wanna stay here. It can be great for us. I can prove it.
What-- What about Tyler? And the kids?
We can all be one big happy family. Everyone can get what they want.
Wait. No, no, no. Debbie-- (LAUGHS) Debbie! Oh, my God! You're so cute.
Oh, my God. You make me feel like I'm 18 again! Debbie, no!
This is crazy! Oh, my God! No...
Are we really doing this?
Um, I would just like to announce my resignation.
Also, I'm only 15 and I like boys.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
-Yay! Slide! -No, no, no. No slide.
Excuse me. This is not a motel, thank you.
Ugh, Carl, get your homies out of here. Party's over.
-I got shit to take care of. -Yo, I'm not kidding!
Liam's got lice, I gotta disinfect the whole house.
That's not my problem.
What is with you right now?
Okay, good boy, sit there and don't move, okay?
-Okay. -BOY: The fuck?
Party is over. Now.
-Man, let's go. This ain't cool. -Everybody out!
Bye! Those are my fuckin' Fritos!
This is a weak-ass party, anyways.
We are happy to join these two in the sacred bond of holy matrimony.
And we must remember
that God is going to watch
and bless this marriage at all times.
God is always watching at all times.
He's with us behind all closed doors.
In the shower. In the bedroom.
When you are naked and when you are clothed.
We cannot hide.
Mmm...
And so shall these two be blessed forever
under God's...
-God must have some serious insomnia. -(LAUGHS)
(CAR ALARM BEEPING)
What do you think? Motion of the ocean, or actual penetration?
Tricky. I'm gonna go with A and a possible B.
You tell my momma to stop by the house and turn on some lights?
Folks find out we're not home, our crib'll turn into a swap meet.
I got it. Everything's handled.
You called Svetlana and checked on the girls?
Yes, like a half hour ago. They're perfect.
Will you give me just a little bit of trust?
I've got everything handled. I'm trying to be a hero here.
You're right, babe. I'm tripping. I'm sure everything's fine.
(WOMAN MOANING)
Come on, Tommy. You've done this before, right?
-Make it quick. -On three.
One, two--
(SCREAMING)
-Nazdarovie! -Fuck! Something! Shit!
-What does the duck say? -Quack.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, he does.
Oh, close your eyes.
Well, at least someone didn't forget her daily chores.
Bite it, Frank. Liam's got lice.
I already stripped the beds, put the linens in the wash.
I gotta get started with the disinfectant spray.
Oh, honey lamb, chemicals are not the way to go.
-I'm sorry, what? -Tea tree oil.
Toxic free. Runs all those little buggers away.
And it's better for the environment.
Well, I already shampooed him with the toxic chemicals. But thanks.
Well, you'll end up giving the little one cancer or a third nipple.
Be organic all you want, but we have a system
for getting rid of lice that actually works.
Been doing it for years.
-I told you I'm handling it. -Little extra help.
-Best way to fight nature is with nature. -This is not nature. This is our house.
And nobody around here wants to deal with lice
for an extra month just to be chemical-free.
Come on, Liam, let's get some more chemicals.
Come on.
Decades of pollutants have left her completely destroyed.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
-Hello? -Hi, hi.
I live up the street and I heard about what happened here and your loss.
I just wanted to offer my condolences.
There's some money in here and around five grams.
You guys could sell it and maybe
it'll help with the funeral expenses or whatever--
No, thank you. Please leave.
Hey.
-I knew you'd get the job. -Oh, yeah, thanks for the referral.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what a house boy is,
but the pay is cool.
Our sorority throws the best parties. Lots of fringe benefits.
-Good to know. -Hey, umm...
Do you want any company later? It can get kinda creepy in the basement.
Uh...
-Yeah, yeah, I guess. -Okay. Cool.
Cool.
Hello? Anybody here?
Well, if it isn't my knocked-up Deb! What a pleasant surprise.
-Well, you texted me to come home. -How's my unborn grandchild?
-How did we get the house back? -Carl's financing.
Renovations just in time to build a nursery, huh?
Sit down, sit down. Let's get you off your feet.
Queenie, come meet the daughter I was telling you about.
Oh!
Hi!
Such rosy cheeks and glowing skin.
Motherhood becomes you.
-Mmm. -Who are you?
Debs, meet Queenie. This is Sammi's mom.
She could tell you a thing about childbearing the natural way.
Oh, she can?
One can never be too prepared before dropping the load. Right, Queenie?
I can tell you how to keep that uterus toned, healthy and happy.
I delivered my grandson, Chuckster,
-in the back of an RV. -You did?
Yeah, I still have the stretch marks from carrying Sammi,
and, and now they just spread like a sexy spider web all over my belly.
You just gotta embrace it all.
Our Debs could use a natural healer like yourself.
Especially since her sister dropped her like a cluster bomb.
I just, I know you two are gonna hit it off.
Come on. Let's get you some nettle leaf
and it'll help to strengthen your placenta.
You know, you can stir fry and eat it after birth.
-Eat the placenta? -Mmm-hmm.
Oh!
Isn't this great?
Just chillaxing in the pool. No killer kids. No flaming Greeks.
Just you and me and that old guy.
What are you doing?
You brought your phone down? You were supposed to leave it upstairs.
Uh, force of habit.
Come on! You couldn't just let me handle everything?
You just have to check on my every move
to make sure I don't screw anything else up, right?
Kev, what the hell are you talking about?
This is Mom texting us to bring her a souvenir back.
Oh, cool.
What's going on with you? You've been on edge since we got here.
I know, I know. It's just...
I-- I'm just-- I'm worried that I've worn you out dealing with all my shit.
I mean, I can't even plan a fucking vacation right.
The stains and the smells and-- I think I saw bullet holes in the walls.
What the fuck was I thinking?
-It's not so bad. -Oh, fuck-- It's bullshit.
Okay, it's a shithole. But who cares? It's us having some alone-time together.
Yeah, I know. I just wanted to do something right
without you having to fix all my fuck-ups.
Kev, this is who we are.
Dealing with your fuck-ups is part of the deal.
Just like you dealt with me not being able to get pregnant
and then getting pregnant but not wanting to be a mother.
We always make it work. Who cares how?
You really mean that?
Yeah, and this vacay is a dream. I don't give a shit how hood it is.
I just wanna have an orgasm in a different area code.
-Well, that is one thing I can get right. -(BOTH LAUGH)
Let's give this Ol' Man Creepers a hot show.
(MOANING)
This dude won't look away.
Maybe he likes it.
Maybe he's dead.
Don't you just love straight weddings?
Only wedding I ever been to was when my closeted boyfriend
had to marry this pregnant hooker that he was forced to fuck at gunpoint,
-so this isn't so bad. -(LAUGHS)
You know, you could just put your hand on my crotch.
-It'd work a lot better. -Shit.
Hey, hey, are you pissed at me?
No, but if you wanted to fag-freak out your family, you could've just told me.
Hey. I'm sorry. All right?
Am I really your date or am I just the gay prop?
No, I want you here.
My fam is filled with a bunch of polite homophobes
and I prefer my homophobia with blatant bashing like normal people.
They pretend to be too religious to notice,
but I'm just trying to make it a little harder for them to ignore.
Okay, then let's make it harder for them to ignore.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
Too loud!
(MUSIC STOPS)
Yo!
-Carl, what the hell? -I was listening to that!
It's too loud! What is your problem today?
You're really gonna smoke this right in front of me?
I'm minding my own business.
Look, just because you're going through a thing
or whatever it is you won't talk about,
does not mean you can act like an asshole. So, if you wanna talk, I would--
I don't need to talk! Just stop stressin' me! Damn!
-(SIGHS) -You okay?
Hey! You all joining us for this evening?
We're just getting ready to start making dinner.
I was gonna make spaghetti.
Oh, yeah, well, Queenie and I wanted to
help make a healthy organic meal for the baby.
Yeah, that's right. We're gonna make some kale and tofu.
-We'd love you to join. -Since when does Debbie eat kale?
I've had to force-feed her vegetables since she was born.
I'll do whatever's best for the baby, Fiona.
Gotta embrace all parts of motherhood.
That a girl, Debra Moon.
"Debra Moon"?
You wanna come help wash veggies with me, Liam? Come on.
(SIGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
WOMAN: Yes, y'all!
(WOMAN CHEERING)
-How we doing? -I'm pretty sure we won.
(CHUCKLES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Your friend's not coming back, is he?
Dropped a guy.
But I mean, that's the thug life, right?
I don't know that much about the thug life...
But I've seen someone getting dropped.
You don't know how much that shit'll haunt you until, it just does.
Bad news is, as far as I can see,
there's no real way to pretend it never happened.
Good news is, you can always hit the reset button.
For what that's worth.
Helene?
Helene!
Helene... Can you come out please?
Look, I just, I just want to talk, okay?
(STUTTERING) Look, I don't know how to make things right.
(STUTTERING) Okay? But if I did, if I, if I had a fuckin' clue how, how to,
to reverse time or...
Okay, just-- Just tell me what to do, okay?
You want me to un-take the picture?
You want me to get kicked out?
They fuckin' threw me outta my dorm room, okay?
I don't have shit!
Okay? It's just you and me. It's you and me!
So you come out, please.
You just fuckin' come out and you talk to me!
Helene!
-Mmm. Thank you. This is delicious. -(LAUGHS)
(MOANING)
-I love this. -Jesus, Frank. We're eating.
Yeah, not anymore.
How about a little tongue bath to go with this meal?
(MOANING)
How about we spend the night at your place?
How about you move in?
Seriously?
Seriously.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Thank you very much for the edible food, but we've gotta be going now.
Anytime. You're always welcome here, honey-gram.
Yeah, I know.
Seeing as how the house is in my name, but thanks.
Come on, Liam, let's get your stuff.
-No! I want Debbie! -Liam?
It's okay. He can stay with me tonight. I don't care.
-Fine by me. I don't care, either. -Cool.
(QUEENIE LAUGHING)
Let's go home.
You're pretty bad-ass.
Nobody's been able to handle my family like that.
Compared to the dysfunction of my family, yours are lightweights.
(LAUGHS)
Hey...
So, what are we doing?
Whatever you want, I guess.
I want you.
Now.
Hey, hey, hey. It can be much smoother than this.
Hey...
Here you go.
-A calm, relaxing dinner. -Yeah.
Might take some getting used to.
Well, you've had a long day, right?
A long lots of days.
Uh-oh.
What? Fuck, is it lice?
Uh, well, there's something small and tan dancing the samba on your scalp.
(GROANS)
I should warn you, Gallagher shit is very contagious.
TORIA: Hey, it's Toria.
You still want company?
You in there?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hello?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hello, you in there?
Well, this is a completely new brand of foreplay for me.
You really... You know how to keep it interesting, Gallagher.
Regret asking me to move in yet?
It's only been a couple hours. I'll let you know in a few.
(CHUCKLES)
(GROANS)
Here he is. Now, where's his ugly cousin?
Frankie, you are a slimy bastard, but I find it charming.
You've been working so hard to keep me here, and guess what?
You win.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, wait, Frankie, that's my belly button.
-It feels fucking fantastic! -Oh, God!
QUEENIE: Oh, God! Frankie!
"...so the superiors put all the inferiors in bad summer camps
"'cause they didn't want 'em crossing the border and ruining the neighborhood.
"And that is why Hitler is a great American leader."
German. But I think you've made your point here, my young Trump. neighborhood.