For those of you who were too lazy to tune in last week...
...this is what you missed on Shameless. Thanks, Tim.
Stay down.
-How long was that? -Not long enough.
City pools are filled with city kids.
You need at least 90 seconds.
Cancer's opening up a whole wonderful world for you.
I was able to pull some strings and get you these special cancer pills.
CARL: Will they cure my cancer? -Depends on your attitude.
I just got my one-year chip from Sex Addicts Anonymous.
-I'll go slow. -Not gonna happen.
Jody only wants to cuddle and do, like, missionaries.
It's boring.
If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me. It's an addiction.
I think everyone at work other than me is blowing the manager.
-Princess, I got it. Go take a break. -It's not a "break" break. It's a Bobby break.
They're all gonna realize I'm not carrying my share of the load. Literally.
Gotta save your sperm for baby-making.
-This was a baby-making session? -Hoping so.
MOLLY [ON RECORDING]: Daddy, it's Molly. Mommy died. Please come.
LIP: Who the fuck's Molly? MANDY: She's my half-sister.
That's just my girl penis.
DEBBIE: Looks exactly like a boy penis.
-Am I coming with you? -You don't need to play house...
...with Mandy Milkovich. Doing shit like this signals something to a girl like her.
Sure you know what kind of signals you're sending?
Hey, Fiona, you've met my father.
LIP: Who the fuck are you? IAN: It's Jimmy's dad.
Were you trying to screw Lip?
-Ian. -I would like to report a negligent situation.
Six kids living in squalor, no parental supervision.
They're all criminals.
KATE: That is an all-time low.
[CHUCKLES]
Fuck you, Gallagher.
[FIONA MOANING]
Dude. Little man in the canoe?
-I'm sorry, but my game is off. -How does a tongue forget how to lick?
It's the whole my-dad-is-gay-for-your-brother thing.
It's on film loop in my brain. Ian's cock. Dad's mouth.
-In-out-in-out-- -It's just sex. He's still the same person.
Is he? I'm re-thinking everything I even thought about him.
In high school, when my friends came over, was he checking out their asses?
Or that guy, Uncle Rick, his racquetball partner with feathered hair?
-Do not leave. -Too hot in here anyway.
Sheets sticking to my back. Gotta go to work.
Be happy you have a real dad, not a thieving alcoholic deadbeat...
...who's puking into the silverware drawer.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Uh--
Doing some work on the sewer main in a couple days. Just wanted to warn you.
-Warn us what? -Water's gonna be shut off for the day.
Oh, thanks.
[CHAINS RATTLING]
Honey? What is that for?
Sex swing.
Trying to see if it can bear both of us at once.
If not, I can get us a four-post free-stander.
Oh, God.
What--? Is this--? Aren't we--?
It's fine, it's just with all the, um, shipments and everything and just....
It's totally fine, it's just-- I'm just not--
I'm just not used to being, um, submissive.
-You can be the dom tomorrow. -Okay, that's fine.
It's good for us to grow.
As people.
Shower's free, who's next?
[GRUNTS]
FIONA: Hey!
She's not even related to us.
Go pee downstairs. Go.
How long you plan on keeping Molly around?
-Till we find someone to take him in. -Are you looking?
-Yeah. -Good.
Might as well tell him he's a he while you're at it.
Mm.
-What time is it? -Sex-o-clock.
-Quick, before Carl gets back. -No, I can't.
IAN: I'm sleeping.
I gotta, uh.... I gotta help Carl set up for day-care.
-I thought that was Debbie's job? -She's going to the pool today.
So I promised I'd supervise.
-Still sleeping. -What are your plans for the day?
Me and Kev are taking the ice cream truck to Indiana for a fireworks run.
-Can we come? -No, we won't all fit on the way back.
Our stash will probably take up half the truck, so....
Can you do it tomorrow?
I want us to take Molly to the beach before the weekend meatheads descend.
Jesus. Other people exist maybe?
No, we gotta get down there before the Roman candles sell out.
Hey, did you find any, uh, Molly relatives?
Tracked down the second cousin in the Navy on Facebook.
-Did you post on his wall? -Status says he's on sea duty.
-I'll do it when he gets back. -Right. Um....
-When's that? -Didn't say.
Okay.
Heh. Look, cage the ferret, okay?
Day-care parents don't appreciate morning muff.
LIAM: Ha, ha. -Here you go. Good doggie.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
One hundred! One hundred seconds!
Jimmy, I can't do breakfast, set up for day-care...
...and practice holding my breath all at the same time.
LIAM: No! -Oh, it's still broken.
It's a finger, not your neck.
Carl, can you set up for day-care? I need to get to the pool at exactly 9 a.m.
-It's opening day. CARL: I'm feeding Liam.
I can help.
Thanks, Molly.
Wipe down the exersaucers and teething toys...
...then check the nap-pads for head-lice and boogers.
That's a really pretty dress.
It hides my girl-penis. Mom said it's impolite to show off my bulge.
More coffee?
Uh, Lip, Ian? Come down here a sec?
Okay, listen up, Gallaghers. And Milkoviches.
They're digging the sewer main in a few days and shutting the water off. So we need to...
-...do laundry and dishes beforehand. -What about toilets?
I guess we just won't flush that day.
-Well, we could fill up buckets. DEBBIE: Gross.
He crippled or something? Just so helpful.
-Must be nice having a spouse. -They're digging up the lawn?
-Yeah. -What about Aunt Ginger?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Incoming.
Okay. I'll be back for dinner. Buck up, kiddo.
No biggie, just my universe falling apart.
Hey, there, fella.
Ooh! Let's go take the Browns to the Super Bowl, huh?
-Jesus. -Guess who came by today?
The city. They're digging up the yard to work on the sewer line.
You need to find Aunt Ginger before they do.
Who?
The dead relative whose social security checks you've been cashing?
You buried her, you unbury her.
Hand.
-Come on, Debs. -Bye, Frank.
-Not trying to look at my dick, are you? -I'm not. I'm not thinking about your dick.
In my dad's mouth. I'm not.
-Good, then don't. -Yep. Not.
Ian's dick was in your dad's mouth?
It's a figure of speech. It's like saying, "None of your business.
Your dick's in my dad's mouth, man."
CARL: Who says that? JIMMY: Gay dudes.
-Is Ian gay? -No, no.
It was euphemistic.
-Is that what gay people like to do? -Jesus. Forget it.
Oh, uh, Jamie. You any good with power tools?
Hey, Lip? I need your help.
-Oh, busy! -Too busy to help your old man?
Yes. Forever.
FRANK: Fucking--
Hey, Ian?
He's getting ready for work.
Nice paint job.
-You got your shoes on? -Yeah. Why?
We're going to Sheila's. Gonna grab some of dead Eddie's heavy-duty machines.
That fella loved lawn equipment.
But I'm sick.
You don't look sick to me.
Cancer.
Oh.
The clinic called.
The pills worked. No more cancer. Congrats.
-I'm not dying? -No.
-Can we have a party? -You bet.
As soon as we dig up this old dead crack whore.
Come on, let's go.
[ALL SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Are you a lesbo?
No.
Although I know many people who have had relations with same-sex individuals.
I believe all people should have the right to love whomever they choose.
And even though civil unions are legal in Illinois, it isn't enough.
-Change is possible. It starts with us-- -Stop staring at us, freak-bag.
And grow some tits.
[MOANING NEARBY]
Ha, ha. You hear that? They're going for the brass ring up there. I did that.
Showed them the way. Like a headlamp in a coal mine.
You see, Frank Gallagher knows people.
I just intuit.
I was a.... I was a psychology major...
...for a semester.
-Dad? -Yeah.
What's this?
Uh, that's a pacifier for your anus.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
They're early! Frank!
PETE: Hello? -Can you be on baby duty?
-Looks like a priest with a Nam vet. PETE: Hello?
It's Father Pete. He's with a hospice patient. A nun.
They're out of room at St. Steven's.
[BABY CRYING]
-Here. -Oh, there he is.
Hey.
-Hey, nice to see you again, Father Pete. PETE: And you too, Jody.
JODY: Hi, I'm Jody.
I'm sorry about the mess.
We've just been a little preoccupied.
Not at all.
Careful. Careful.
She's not long for this world, I'm afraid.
She's taken a vow of silence, so you don't have to worry about her...
...keeping you up all night with her praying.
-This is her pain medication. -Oh, right. Yeah.
Oh, and make sure her iPad is always charged.
She can play "Angry Birds" till the cows come home.
Oh, well....
That's just a, um, harness for patients.
-Uh, shed key? -On the fridge. Top of the fridge.
Why are you orange?
Frank?
Don't know what it is, Red, but, uh, I feel less alone in the world...
...knowing I can drive across town and find you here...
...bent over cans of chicken stock.
Look, I'm sorry.
Truly.
I just--
[SIGHS]
Can you forgive a man who's falling apart a little?
Yeah.
[BELL JINGLES]
-Can I kiss you? -No.
Just a little?
So listen...
...um, I need somebody to rob my house.
And I'm hoping you could help.
You want me to rob your house?
Candace changed the locks on the house. My goddamn house.
And she won't let me back in. So I need someone to steal my stuff.
If I do it, the neighbors might recognize me.
You go in during daylight hours and you look like movers.
You'll be fine.
Look, she stays up till 3 a.m. drinking Stoli Vanilla and watching Bowflex ads.
She'll be unconscious until well past noon.
All right, this could be lucrative for you.
You can take anything you want. It's all insured.
All I want are my two Armani suits, my Lucian Freud...
...and my bottle of 1990 Chateau Latour Pauillac.
What do you say? Will you do it?
CARL: Frank? -Yes, son?
Why would a dude put his penis in another dude's mouth?
Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves.
Like they prefer male genitalia to female genitalia.
Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?
Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted to each other's build.
And once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked.
It's a scorcher today, ain't it?
WOMAN [ON PA]: Produce, pick up Line 2. Produce.
-Hey, Debs. How was the pool? -Great. Where are the swim diapers?
Thanks. Uh, Aisle 9.
[SHOUTS]
Did you put tacks in my drawer?
My baby sister should have got your job.
Took me four months to teach her how to swallow without gagging.
And for what? Not her fault she got a lazy eye.
She was raised right. She don't think she's better than nobody.
I'm sorry about your sister, but I got five kids to feed.
Fiona?
Oh, you know, just employee shenanigans.
You got coupons for this?
WOMAN: Customer needs assistance in the Meat Department.
VEGA: I got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 UTI...
...and a pre-teen pregnancy in the lobby. Why are you here...
-...when I saw you two weeks ago? -Banging like bunnies, I can't get pregnant.
-I need another exam. -It won't change anything.
You said I had a chance of getting pregnant.
I said you had very little chance.
I also used the words "highly unlikely" and "wildly improbable."
You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion with upbeat and positive phrasings.
I need the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?
Put it this way. You have a 99.999 chance of not getting pregnant.
Nothing is impossible.
So it's like one penis going into the other penis?
Of course. When gay dudes get horny, their pee holes open.
Hey. Swim diapers.
Thank God, I've already had to fish out two poops. Thank you.
DEBBIE: Daddy! -Hey. Whoa, you stink like bleach.
Yeah, I was at the pool today.
I stayed under for 112 seconds.
Hey, good for you! Show those syphilis-ridden turbo-sluts a thing or two.
They think they own the water just because they piss in it.
We hit something.
MANDY: What's that smell?
CARL: The sewer line? FRANK: Oh, man.
We probably should patch that up with some duct tape and a T-shirt. Oh, God.
You sure we're digging in the right spot?
DEBBIE: Ew! CARL: Oh!
[THE TEETH'S "YOUR FEELING ON LIFE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Man, I can't believe your wife actually came to your house.
I thought V was gonna rip her throat out.
So, what's up with you and Mandy? You guys seem tight.
I guess.
She's gotten hella clingy.
You rescued her cross-dressing sibling.
You swashbuckled that shit, man. Seals the deal for a chick. I'm serious.
Girls take that hero crap straight to the bank.
She cook for you now?
-Fold your clothes? -Sometimes.
She stay over more than four nights a week?
Help out with random stuff?
Ah? Ah? Ha, ha.
Dude, you are ghetto married. Enjoy it.
You get all the perks, no paperwork.
Guys would kill for that setup.
-I kind of hate it. -What's wrong with you, man?
I think Karen messed you up bad.
-Going home? Going home? -Yeah, yeah
Gun it.
Good work.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR AND BABY CRYING]
Get your act together, lady.
I got day-old chuck, two-day-old sirloin, couple of partially soft bagels...
...and like two gallons of nearly expired mayo.
Oh, and a sheet cake.
DEBBIE: Joanie was late picking up her kid again.
-Guess what the excuse was. Flat tire. -Flat tire?
It's not the homo thing. Gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
VERONICA: Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product.
You're like gay flypaper.
-"Haddy Birtbay Juby"? -Bakery guy is dyslexic.
-Where's Frank? -Haven't seen him.
He's gotta fill that hole where Ginger was. It reeks.
-He forgot where he buried her. -You're kidding.
-We couldn't find her. DEBBIE: And Carl busted the sewer line.
-Wha--? You picking up guitar? -Bitches at work giving me shit.
Thumbtacks in my change drawer. You believe that?
MANDY: Holy shit.
Ah, we did good. Boom Town was good to us.
-Blowing up the Hancock building? -We don't have room.
-Can we store some here? -Are you nuts? Look at that kid's face.
I'll put it in a no-Carl zone.
-As if that exists. KEVIN: Don't touch it.
Wash your face, pyro. Mandy, make yourself useful, set the table.
-You want pop, beer or ice water? -Uh, water's good. Thanks.
MANDY: Put these on Lip's bed.
-She's out in a week, okay? -Which one?
What's with Jimmy? That shit with his dad?
FIONA: He's pretty broken up about it.
No one's dead, wounded or incarcerated.
What do you expect? Rich kid from the North Side.
It's his first big family crisis. He's taking it pretty hard.
Left side of your mouth. Other left.
Dude's got daddy issues. No wonder you dig him.
JIMMY: I can hear you.
Lip, reorganize the truck. Put the weed in the fridge...
...poppers in the freezer, smokes on top, bangers under the seats.
LIP: Yep. MANDY: I'll help.
-Cake for dinner? -I gotta get to the Alibi.
-Hey, what did the doc say this morning? -Never had a chance to go.
Okay. I love you.
Hey.
-What about a surrogate? -You offering?
Hell, no. Bet you can find someone good on Craigslist.
Bitch gets paid, IVF docs get paid, medical bills...
...maternity clothes, lawyer fee, contract fees. Low end, 40 grand.
I'd need a truckload of slave play to raise that kind of scratch.
-What'll you do? -Something.
SHEILA: Sister, I so admire the vow you've taken.
It takes such strength to resist the lure of temptation.
Verbally or otherwise.
[DRILL WHIRRING AND HAMMERING UPSTAIRS]
Oh, Sister, I'm.... I'm so sorry.
Jody and I are just experimenting with new liberties.
As you know, our bodies are God's temple...
...and it's as if we're adding on a little wing or two.
So there's no way in the world you would ever talk?
[SCOFFS]
Sister, Jody is pushing me to new levels.
It's completely my fault.
He warned me not to go through this gateway with him.
And I wouldn't listen. And now I can't find my way back.
I've never had so many things inserted...
...into so many parts of my body at once.
Have I encouraged him to overstep his boundaries?
Or am I helping him to create new and healthy ones?
Because I admit...
...inflicting sexual pain...
...gives me great pleasure.
JODY: You ready, mama? Batteries are charged.
Oh, Sister, I feel so much better.
Thank you for letting me get it off my chest.
Oh, you're a good one.
Gloves?
Got some cuts on my hands at work.
-I think it's dry. -Oh. Sorry.
Oh, my God. I just realized.
That huge fight Dad had with Mr. Ward, my gay seventh grade teacher.
I thought it was the grade on my mold project.
But they kept on excusing themselves to discuss it in private. I am such an idiot.
That wedding in Hawaii when I was in school.
Me, Mom and Chip went to bed and Dad stayed up dancing all night...
...with the best man.
What gets me is he couldn't tell me the truth.
Did he think I wouldn't accept him? I'd think less of him?
Why didn't he trust me? Am I the only one who didn't know?
Does my brother know? Oh, I bet you my brother knows.
-Wait. So there's butt hole involved? -Sometimes. Not always.
Ian and I are gonna get high and watch Family Guy. Wanna come?
Uh, I've been driving all day. I'm exhausted.
Doing a night load. Any takers?
[FIONA SIGHS]
Lip? Nothing?
Did ours this afternoon.
Maybe next time you wanna throw in Debbie or Carl or Liam's with yours.
Sure. No problem.
Hey, if you change your mind, come down, okay?
LIP: Mm.
I need to know where the gay wieners go.
Know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?
-Yeah. -Think of it as...
...one dude plunging another dude's toilet.
-We could always adopt. -I don't want someone else's kid.
I want a little punk with your pretty eyes and your crooked smile.
I don't know, V. At some point...
...we might have to accept that it's not meant to be.
Not meant to be?
Was I meant to get an STD at 17 from some lame-ass rapper...
...that would trash my tubes?
Was I meant to Google him all afternoon to find out he has eight kids?
Was I meant to friend him on Facebook to write...
...some psychotic rant about how he ruined my life?
-Baby, it's okay. -No, it's not.
Fuck his weak-ass rhymes, fuck that tree-frog-looking doctor...
...and fuck all the fucking money I spent on condoms the last 20 years.
And fuck you for acting like you don't wanna fight for this.
Whoa.
You know I do. More than anything.
Then let's fight.
[VERONICA GASPS THEN LAUGHS]
Enough with the kicking. Christ.
-Where is she? -I can't find-- I give up.
-I need sleep. -Let me spell this out for you.
The city digs up some bones. The police show up.
The figure out it's Aunt Ginger. They date the bones.
They realize she's been dead for 14 years...
...and yet her social security checks are being cashed every month.
This isn't a DUI, Frank.
You buried a body and you stole from the federal government.
You will never get out of prison.
Think about it.
Fuck.
[GUNFIRE]
Hey. You know the guy you beat the shit out of at that club?
He wants me to sneak into his mansion, take all of his crap.
Really?
Hilarious.
He can't get it himself.
Divorce.
Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in?
Jesus.
Use blanks, maybe?
Can I bring my cousins?
-Yeah. -All right. I'm in.
I don't know what you see in that geriatric Viagroid.
He buys me stuff. Orders me room service.
He isn't afraid to kiss me.
["SAINTS GO MARCHING" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
We're low on joints.
I got extra weed in the fridge but it needs rolling.
You guys look like you could use some help.
-Yeah, that would be great. -No, we're good, thanks.
-Can you roll us some spliffs? MANDY: Sure.
-Weed, papers? KEVIN: Right there.
You guys are really killing it.
Ho! You are a giant.
Ask me if I play basketball and I'll punch your nuts.
What do you want?
Two fountains, sparklers, three joints, Bomb Pop.
-You got any community service hours left? -Why?
-Molly could help. He offered. -No. You know, I'm covered.
-We're good. You can go. -You know what? Have her stick around.
-I gotta hit the Alibi in 10 minutes. -I can handle it.
-I'm good to stay. -No, please, just go home, Mandy.
To your own fucking house for once.
That was harsh.
[GROANS]
Heh. Really, ladies? Really funny.
Hi, this is Fiona. Uh, I'm working Register 2. I'm locked in the bathroom.
I did try the knob.
Fine. I'll try again.
On what planet is it cool for you to take a smoke break in the bathroom?
I don't even smoke Parliaments.
-Holy crap. Congrats on your puberty. -Yeah.
Your tits look great.
Thanks. You know, they always say it happens overnight.
Go for a swim. Try out your new bod.
Okay.
-It's my fourth. -I don't care if it's your 44th.
-We don't do buybacks. -I'm broke.
Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150 percent of the patronage here.
There she is. Welcome back. How was your vacay?
I went surfing, got hit by a Jet Ski, saw a dolphin masturbate.
Yeah, well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, and my dad's a fairy, so....
A fairy?
Hello, 1983.
-Did you get my CO2? -Yeah. Make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
-Yeah, yeah. -Thank you.
Hey.
You know, not for nothing...
...but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine.
It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing UGGs.
-I appreciate the sympathy. Thanks. KEVIN: Get over it.
Fiona doesn't have room. She's busting her ass to keep food on the table.
Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition.
MAN 1: What the fuck is it now, Frank? Jesus.
Do you remember--? Do you remember the hold up...
...of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
-Yeah. FRANK: Bastards cleaned out these spics...
...of every piece of crap that they had?
That was my mother. She did the heist.
And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
-How do you know that? -Well, she stashed it somewhere.
And then she forgot where.
So the other day I was planting some basil.
I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
Shit. Is that gold?
Could be. Pretty dirty. Gotta get it appraised.
The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg.
Now, I can't dig it all up by myself.
So I will give a sizable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it.
So who's with me?
MAN 2: No. MAN 3: No fucking way.
You're out of your mind, Frank.
-Fuck it. Why not? -I'm in.
There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go.
MAN 1: Let's do it. FRANK: That's the spirit.
This is what made America great.
-Ew, period. -Period.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Hey, what'd I miss at the pool?
Hi.
Let's just make sure we explored all other options.
Okay.
What about that maid you used to work with?
Chantrelle? Too crazy.
-How about Macie at the old folks' home? -Too medicated.
-Fiona. -Too white.
Really? Is that a concern of yours?
I want it to have my genetic material. Or at least look like it does.
What about your cousin Sharonda?
I called her this morning. She fell off the wagon, was fried by noon.
Well, what about your other cousin, the, uh, pretty one?
Oh, the pretty one?
No, because I want our kid to look pretty like you.
She's 13.
Wow.
She seems older.
[WOMAN SWEEPING]
[GRUNTING]
Jesus. Oh, my God.
Mother of Christ, it stinks.
Did someone shit in the yard?
Shut up. Keep digging.
The one-armed wonder is making more progress than you.
This is as far as you got?
Don't judge.
Frank? You know for certain there's jewelry buried out here?
Uh, you know what? Try along that fence there.
I saw her rooting around in there like a badger.
Wowie. Desert Storm night at the Cheesecake Factory?
Why are you acting like a dick to Mandy?
I think that qualifies as none of your fucking business.
She called me from her aunt's house. Said you told her to go home.
-Is Molly leaving too? -What? No, Debs.
Look, she is always on me about, you know, our plans for the night.
When we're seeing her friend's band, what we are doing next week.
She likes hanging out with you. Not a crime.
-I like Molly. -She's not my wife.
Oh. She's a good person who does nice things for you.
-What are you, her fucking lawyer? -No, I'm her best friend.
You're acting like a douche bag.
You want out, end it. You don't, stop treating her like garbage.
Just because Karen wiped her ass with you doesn't give you the right to shit on Mandy.
Guys, bad news. We all gotta dig tonight.
City's coming and Frank can't find Aunt Ginger.
-So? -Someone goes to jail if we don't find her.
-Frank. -There's a body.
We know about it. We're accomplices.
Again, saddled with a mess we didn't create.
Sooner we get out and dig, sooner it'll all be over.
I still got blisters on my hand from yesterday.
I can dig.
I have pretty developed upper arms for a chick.
-I need to borrow your turkey baster. -I don't want Molly to leave.
-What's with her? -She got her period at the pool today.
MOLLY: I can't wait to get my period.
Mom said it's the body's tribute to female sacrifice.
You're not a girl, honey.
You're a boy who was raised by a jacked-up meth head of a mom...
...who made you think you were a girl because she hates men.
I'm not a girl?
Lip?
[CRYING]
FIONA: Debbie?
It wasn't real.
It was ketchup. They did it in front of everyone.
-Who? -The girls at the pool.
Debs.
They're pretty and boys notice them.
Well, they won't be pretty for long.
They're gonna make all the bad decisions and you're gonna learn from their mistakes.
Why do they have to be so mean?
Some girls are just jerks.
Like that chick at the store yesterday.
Did I deserve that? No. But did I take her shit? No way.
Because I'm better than that. And so are you.
Nobody fucks with the Gallaghers.
Debbie?
Go away.
Open the door.
Come on.
We gotta dig.
[GASPS]
[SHEILA GASPING AND SHOUTING]
I thought you took a vow of silence.
That silence doesn't include the Internet?
You have been blogging about me every day?
I think I'm gonna puke.
FIONA: Muscle through it. We gotta find her.
-Where'd Carl go? -Huh?
-Ninja! -Carl, no!
-Oh, shit.
Shit. Carl.
-That kind of worked. -You get those from the fireworks stash?
CARL: Yeah. LIP: Go get some more.
FIONA: Ian?
JIMMY: It reeks out here.
Hey, listen.
Ah, man. About all the stuff just with my dad.
Oh, my God. Why are we still talking about this?
I mean, really? Christ.
Okay, so, like, whenever you need me I'm, like, there for you...
...but the one time I need you, you're like, "Screw off"?
Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor.
Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis.
Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool.
The yard smells like a sewer.
I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me...
...and the bitches at work locked me in a bathroom today.
Oh.
And we all might be on the verge of going to prison.
So you want to talk? Fine.
Grab a shovel.
Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blow job to a teenager.
-But dig while you do it. -You know what?
I'm really tired of playing this My Tragedy Is Bigger Than Your Tragedy game.
My entire world got rocked and it's, like, not even on your radar.
We're in a relationship.
What's important to me should be important to you.
Look at us.
We are literally digging up a body.
How do you even compare our situations?
Huh. Aw, that's great, walk away.
It's a real pussy move.
Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?
So I'll just be carrying it. And you two take it from me when it comes out.
-Yes, Momma. -Lord knows...
...I'm too old to be raising an infant.
It will be our child. It will be your grandchild.
CAROL: You were such a sweet baby.
But Lord, were you a terrible eater. Ha, ha.
You'd get it all up in your hair, and in your nose.
Everything okay?
Yeah, just a second.
This comes the tricky part.
[KEVIN MOANING]
Not much in there. We could have used an eye dropper.
Jeez, Kevin.
KEVIN: Bottoms up.
Oh. Ooh.
Warmer than I expected. Ooh, ha, ha.
[SNORING]
Okay, bedtime, gang.
We'll start again in the morning.
Fuck.
Don't worry about your dweeb.
He's just off licking his wounds.
He'll be back.
We Gallaghers sure know how to pick them, huh?
See you in the morning.
Hey, Karen, it's Lip.
Just wanted to give you an update, wherever the fuck you are.
Your kid, he's doing great.
Um, your mom and ex-husband, they're, um.... They're also doing great.
My dad, who you fucked, he's doing great.
And, uh...
...I'm doing really, really great.
Just in case you were wondering.
You selfish, ignorant, heinous piece of dog shit.
Thank you for leaving and never coming back.
You-- We all owe you a huge fucking favor.
You rock.
Hey, let's go inside.
Don't bring that with you.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, it's me. Uh....
Just wondering where you are.
Call, text, whatevs. Bye.
I mean, no wonder she flipped out. She's got so much on her plate.
She needs me there for her.
But I got to work on my stuff too.
So hard for you.
Poor Stevie.
-You ready to go again? -Yeah.
-Ugh! -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck.
I'm a dick.
Mandy.
I'm a dick. Can you come down?
Hey.
I'm not a tool.
Yeah, I know.
So you don't get to treat me like one.
I know.
Come down.
Please.
Hey. No, guys, guys.
No fucking guns, all right? It's just a drunk old lady in there.
Come on.
Fuck.
[COUGHS]
Where's Debbie?
She's at the pool.
We got to keep digging.
[CLOCK BELL RINGING]
-Got it? Oh, shit. Oh, come on. Fuck. -Ow.
Oh, fuck.
-Jesus Christ. -Hey, fuckers.
Fuck.
Fuckers.
Fuck.
No fucking way.
Fuck. Fucking Ned. Are you fucking him too?
Fucking drive. Drive, drive, drive.
-You got shot, Mickey. -Yes, I fucking know I got shot.
Remember. Do not sit on cushions, carpets, anything foam or porous.
Say their names slowly and calmly.
If you feel something crawling, don't scream.
Just shake the body part lightly. Okay? Let's do this.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[GROANS]
-I'm just going to take another minute. -Take your time.
-Are you kidding me? -Stay there.
-Jesus. MICKEY: Just one fucking old lady? Ow!
Ow, ow.
Well, if it isn't the toughest badass fag beater this side of the Chicago river.
Fuck off.
[GRUNTING]
I'll show you some tits.
[SCREAMING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Fiona's fits better, doesn't it? CARL: Sure.
[MICKEY SCREAMING]
Oh, my.
Almost done, Nicky.
[SHOUTS THEN CHUCKLES]
[MICKEY SCREAMING]
Ian, what the fuck?
-I can explain this. -Who the hell are you?
I'm Britney Sturges from Child Protective Services.
She just walked in.
Yes!
Oh, my God, I totally almost drowned a slut.
She was kicking and scratching but I held my breath...
...and hung on until she passed out. Oh, my God.
Guess what? You do not F with Debbie Gallagher.
-Don't F with me. -Debs.
[CHUCKLES]
[BABY CRYING] me. -Debs.