Here's what you missed on Shameless:
A whole lot of shit happened. Where were you?
-Think she'll come out today? -Not likely.
Airplane wheel missed her by an inch.
They found Eddie. Bottom of Lake Michigan.
Hey, babe, your dad's dead.
Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.
This is a West Point application. I wanted to deliver it. Is Lip home?
-McNally brought this for you? -Not me. Congratulations.
VERONICA: Malik? ETHEL: We're having a playdate.
-Sounds more like a "date" date. -I hope someone takes care of him.
-Don't you think Clyde deserves that? -For sure.
SHAREEF: You Clyde? Ethel said hi.
[CLYDE GROANING]
-Karen's pregnant. -That's the Gallagher sperm.
Do the right thing. Split.
-Kids need a father. -Jody and I got hitched.
-I wanna know whose it is. -Jody's the father.
-I'm not my dad. -Get out.
You hear me? I'm not my fucking dad.
-Hey. -Hey.
You look great, by the way.
[CHATTERING]
You had late pickups on Monday and Thursday.
-That's an extra 16. -I wasn't that late.
Fiona would charge you 20.
[BEEPING]
WOMAN: Come on.
Jesus, it's a wonder I got here in one piece.
Ugh.
You're looking for the Sunshine Adult Day Care?
It's up at the church.
Honey, only time I wanna go to church is when I feel like getting molested.
MAN: Here you go. -What do you want, a tip? Ah.
-Who are you two supposed to be? -I'm Ethel and this is Jonah, my son.
You look a little crispy to be Liam.
-Oh, I'm Malik. -Malik?
Jesus, enough with the fake African spice-rack crap.
A little advice?
Some people are racist. You wanna get ahead in the world...
...change your name so people don't know you're black.
Honey, is that hot-water heater working?
-Yeah. -Get me a towel. I gotta have a bath.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm your grandmother, sweetheart.
You Carl?
Get me a crowbar and a hammer.
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
I've gotta run an errand.
So, uh, lock the door and don't answer it for anybody, okay?
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
If we were together for a hundred years, I would never learn Portuguese.
Okay.
-Why are we bashing a hole in the wall? -We're remodeling.
Where's the rest of the litter?
Ian's at work, we haven't seen Lip for days...
...Liam's down in day care, and Fiona's probably trying to sleep.
-She works nights. -What about Frank?
-Doesn't live here anymore. -Good boy. Out of the way.
-What's that? -What's it look like?
CARL: A finger. -Yeah.
You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger...
...unless you're gonna shoot someone.
You like secrets?
So do I. Hold out your hands.
Our little secret, all right?
FRANK: There are important decisions to be made.
This money comes with responsibility--
Can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika?
-Trusts, tax evasion, liquidity. -Frank--
As soon as Eddie's claim is settled and that check comes, we have to--
-Frank. -What?
I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart.
You're an alcoholic.
-I wasn't talking about me. -Okay.
-Did you think I meant me? -No.
We need a highly experienced professional.
Yeah, that's right.
And for the record, many great men have been well-lubricated.
Henry Ford, Scott Fitzgerald, David Hasselhoff...
...they all kept a bottle close.
-Mom? FRANK: Beethoven's Fifth.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
I think you should do these in the bathroom.
FRANK: Sheila, please. -No, we can put down newspaper.
There are important economic factors at play.
It's gonna smell. Use the tub.
-Did you bring in the knife and gloves? -Our family's financial security...
...is in the bal--
-Oh, fuck it. I'll be at the office. -Paprika?
[FRANK GROANING]
Um, honey, you know what I was thinking?
Um, we could put the food on the bed...
...and then do folding chairs along the walls.
We can't hold a wedding reception in your bedroom.
Honey, parties are always in the living room.
This would be unique.
This is the start of my marriage. It's important to me.
You can do it, Mom. It's just gonna happen downstairs.
You know what? I am gonna do the fish in the tub.
Whoever that is better have a death wish.
DEBBIE: Sorry, uh, something's come up.
Grammy's back.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
STEVE: Oh, hi. -Hi.
Uh, I'm looking for Tony.
SUE: Honey? Just a sec.
Okay.
She's nice, honey.
-You got balls coming back here. STEVE: I brought you something.
-I don't take bribes. -Dude, you're living in one.
Think of this as a donation.
Policeman's Ball, Tsunami relief, End Autism Now...
...it's your choice.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Motherfucker.
LIP: Who let you back in the country?
They were patting down a 90-year-old's diaper and I slipped by.
-Where the hell have you been? -Brazil.
What did you get, the works or just a tummy tuck?
Just a dick reduction. Still too big.
-I see Tony's got a live-in, huh? -Yeah, second one this summer.
What do you want with Tony?
Just family stuff. Business. You know.
No, I don't know. What kind of business?
-Morning. -Lip, where you been all night?
-Grammy showed up. -What, Joliet Grammy? She tunnel out?
-Medical furlough. -Wow.
-Mm. Hey, good luck. -Yeah.
STEVE: Grammy? FIONA: Frank's mom.
Ran a slew of meth labs till one exploded...
-...killing two college kids she'd recruited. -Whoa.
I see that, uh, Tony's got a live-in, huh?
Seems so, yeah. They're redecorating.
-A little China cup. -Laotian, I think.
Yeah, see, I can never tell the difference between the two.
We should get together, have lunch, just catch up.
-I'm seeing someone. -So am I.
-Imported or domestic? -Import. We could bring them.
A double date. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
-Heh. -I've already told her all about you.
No, you haven't.
STEVE: Well, I mean, a bit about you.
You know, I'm sure that I've mentioned your name.
Oh, come on, don't freeze. Please don't freeze.
Jesus, we had better gear than this piece of crap in prison.
DEBBIE: Okay, we're good.
"Dr. Noah Pitts. The Pitts Center for Cosmetic Surgery."
A doctor, huh?
Well, he always did know his drugs.
Same macroeconomic headwinds, right?
So how did they do a $3 billion payback?
These investment banks...
...we bail the fuckers out, they don't loan a dime.
Just nod your head if any of this is getting through to you.
Okay, forget all of this.
All you gotta do is wear a suit, yes...
...and say "net-net" and "economic indicators."
Say it a lot.
-Jesus, they let you out? -Yeah, they let me out.
Surprised to see you, Peg. Thought you were doing 20 to life.
Tricked them into thinking I was dying, so they let me out early.
Gin, neat. And something sweet for the kid.
-Thanks for the push. -What are you doing here?
I'm conducting the Chicago Symphony, Frankie.
What do you think I'm doing?
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV]
Now, buy your mother a drink and pretend like you're glad to see me.
Oh, Jesus.
What's up with you and Ian?
He say something about Karen?
She's married.
Skipping the wedding reception, I hope?
Wasn't invited.
She moved on.
Hope you see the irony in you giving relationship advice.
Grammy staying?
You wanna tell her to leave?
Guess we'd better steal some fire extinguishers from the school, then.
Make it right with Ian.
You two are my rocks. I can't do it without you.
One more.
That bastard Noah dropped a dime on me.
No, he didn't.
Then how'd the cops know about the meth lab?
I don't know, the explosion?
We're gonna take a little road trip to see my old friend Pitts.
You bring your car around tomorrow, 6 a.m. sharp.
-I don't have a car. -Christ, you're pathetic.
-You bed-wetting excuse for a son. -Can I borrow your truck?
-Not a chance. -It's for me. I need to see a doctor.
Oh. Take the bus.
[SIGHS]
Jeez. Don't worry, we'll bring it back with a full tank.
-A double date? -I know.
You gonna go?
-Ah, sending a signal. -Yeah? What's that?
-"I still wanna sit on your face." -Heh. So you wouldn't go?
Hell, yeah, I'd go. I gotta see what the new bitch looks like.
-Who you gonna take? -Adam, I guess.
-Oh, really? The Boy Scout? -Richard?
Ooh! The old guy from the wedding? No.
-Steve's new girl is hot? -Probably.
You'll look like easy pickings for something on the side.
-It's not gonna happen. -Like Craig Heisner wasn't gonna happen?
-Frank? FRANK: Mm?
What?
You wet the bed.
Oh, sorry.
Grammy's back.
Just showed up, in an ambulance.
You know, she, uh....
She didn't even call.
How fucked up is that, huh?
That's it?
Nothing?
You're just gonna give me the chin?
How about now?
No?
Really? Still nothing?
No?
PEGGY: Frank here? -Yeah.
PEGGY: Thanks for the push, Carl. -My 5 bucks.
PEGGY: Hey, I gave you 60 yesterday. Don't get greedy.
-Who is it? -Someone for Frank.
Peggy Gallagher. Frank's mom.
Oh, my goodness!
-Oh, come in, come in, come in. Oh. -You coming down?
I just woke up. Look at me. Darn it. Um, you caught us. Uh, Frank!
He's still sleeping. Oh.
You did such a wonderful job raising that boy.
He's just so clean and so--
No, he's not clean. I mean, um-- Uh-- Uh, Frank!
Frank? Frank. Frank.
Frank, guess who's here.
-What are you doing? -Drying the sheets.
Frank, why didn't you tell me that your mother was coming?
Jody and I could have made a coffee cake.
Look at me, I'm a wreck. Get dressed.
Mr. Kevin, is everything all right? You sounded upset over the phone.
WOMAN: Ethel.
Constance, Abigail, Ruth, Sarah.
KEVIN: Ethel, your sister wives have some news.
Our husband, Clyde, was murdered in the American prison.
ALL: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
Cut that out. I'm not sure it's allowed for you to be here.
ELDER SISTER: We're working to bring you home.
She is home. She was forced into sexual slavery.
-She married joyfully of her own will. -She was 11.
ELDER SISTER: We've hired attorneys. You'll be home soon, dear sister.
Oh. Here's me with Marshmallow, my pony.
Oh. He died.
I was riding him and I thought he just tripped, but he never got up.
And here's Uncle Wendel. No, that's Aunt Jane.
You know, all this cooking we're doing...
...is for my daughter Karen's wedding reception tomorrow.
We're having it here. You should come, you must come.
Everyone in the whole neighborhood is gonna be here.
Oh, here he is. Your ears must be burning.
You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
Now we're gonna be stuck sitting in morning traffic.
Oh, are you guys going out? I need a few more things for the party.
-Let me get the list. -Christ in heaven.
I thought I was gonna have to shoot myself.
Are you sticking it in that? That bitch just took 10 years off my life.
Let's get out of here before that nut job comes back.
You're a very rude person.
-That's a new low, even for you, Frankie. -I'd like you to leave.
-I'd nail a hooker on Wacker before I'd-- Grrr. -Get out.
Save your breath. I'm leaving. Come on, you pussy.
The kids are something, aren't they? Growing up.
You talk to Lip? Off-the-charts smart. Good genes.
And Ian's a real lady killer, just like I was at that age, remember?
He's nailing all of them.
Fiona, beautiful. Gets that from her mother.
Carl's into karate, just like I was.
And Debbie's got that Gallagher entrepreneurial spirit.
See all those kids running around? I think it's a school of some kind.
And how about little Liam? You know, he's actually mine.
-Frank. -What?
Shut up. This doesn't interest me.
-Now, he said 1:00? -Well, he's not very good with time.
-And what did you say he does? -He's in automotive sales.
-Oh, here they are. -Hey.
-Steve, this is Adam. Adam, Steve. -Hey. Estefania, Fiona, Adam.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
STEVE: Estefania doesn't really speak English.
Oh, that's okay, I spent a semester in Madrid.
[ADAM SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
-Adam. -Ah, Portuguese. From Brazil.
Oh, how exotic.
-Well, aren't we all modern? STEVE: Heh-heh-heh.
Well, you look very master of the universe, Adam.
How does one afford a suit like that?
-Wait for Barneys to have a sale. -Actually, Adam's an investment banker.
Well, it's nice to put a face to all that bailout money.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
-How do you pay for your shirt? -This is from the Gap.
-I'm in pharmaceuticals. ADAM: Oh, yeah? Fiona said cars.
-You're married? STEVE: Uh--
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
You two are married?
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
-Two weeks. -Newlyweds, that's excellent.
ESTEFANIA: Heh-heh-heh. -Wow.
Congratulations.
Excuse me, uh, I'll be right back.
ADAM: Mm.
Passionate.
Yeah.
Boys' room is next door.
I was helping out a Brazilian friend...
-...with a small business in São Paulo. -You're married?
Her father, a competitor, didn't appreciate our entry into a crowded market.
-Smuggling cars? STEVE: The product isn't important.
-He cut my friend's ear off. -You were smuggling drugs?
So I chose to help his daughter enter the States.
-By marrying her? -Dad's very old-fashioned.
She was banging one of his top lieutenants, and he wanted her out.
You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?
Wasn't sure he was gonna stop at the ear.
-Who'd you tell her I was? -All I gotta do is wait until Immigration--
-Who does she think I am? -My cousin.
I missed you.
FIONA: Mm.
-You're married. -Only legally.
[MOANING]
STEVE: Oh, God.
FIONA: Oh, Jesus.
-Hey. -Okay.
Whoa. Whoa.
[CHATTERING]
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
I'm just gonna nod because I have no idea what you're saying.
-Ah? -Sorry.
I had to, uh, call to check on the kids.
-Did we get drinks? ADAM: In front of you.
Oh. Oh. Oh, my-- Sorry. Okay. Oh, great.
What a coincidence.
I ran into a guy I went to high school with.
Did we get drinks?
-You gotta be kidding me. -Cobb salad's $22.
-Bye. -You're leaving?
-What are we talking about? -Shut up.
-Have a nice life, Fiona. -Adam. Adam.
STEVE: What? -Shit.
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
-No medication. -I'm sorry.
-It's complicated. ADAM: No, really, it's not.
Look, I like you, but maybe we should've had some rules.
One of my unspoken rules is you don't fuck somebody else on a date.
I guess I thought that was just assumed.
[SIGHS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
-How's she doing? KEVIN: Still praying.
I'm telling you, those Jesus puppy mills are gonna try and take Ethel and Jonah.
-They can't just take them, Kev. -I think we should adopt them.
I love them too, but we get paid to love them.
We adopt them, we love them on our own dime.
They were scary, V, all dressed in black and shit.
And the alpha witch was like.... Whoa. I'm talking serious evil.
-And now they have lawyers. -The state has custody.
They're not gonna give them back to the wackos.
They're not evil.
They're my family.
Hi, I'm Dr. Pitts, Mrs. MacGillicuddy.
I see you're thinking about breast augmentation.
I was thinking about the $200,000 you owe me.
I'm definitely getting my tits done.
-You got out early. -Yeah. I only did 12 years.
Isn't that swell?
Pretty woman. Your wife? Two little girls. Adorable.
Any of them know you used to be a meth dealer?
I don't wanna keep you.
I know you've got a waiting room full of frozen faces.
So the 200 thou that's no longer in the deposit box...
-...that was mine is now where? -Okay, don't threaten me.
I'm not some naive college kid that you can intimidate.
-Where's my money? -Fine, you went to prison, got out.
But you can't waltz in here expecting 200 grand.
-The Pitts Medical Center? -I just finished my residency. I'm in debt.
We had a deal about what would happen if shit went down...
...and when shit went down, you ran.
All right, I'll pay you back, but it's gonna take some time.
That's the one thing I don't have, my friend.
-Tomorrow. All of it. -No. I can't do it.
You don't wanna leave it like this, Noah.
He gonna pay you?
This tastes like shit.
-I shouldn't have gotten the praline. -What's he owe you?
-What did you get, the Captain's Swirl? -I think I got a right to know.
-I'm involved now. -Here, trade with me.
-What? No. What are you doing? -What's the difference? Trade with me.
-I don't like praline. -Come on.
-No, I want mine. Mom, I want-- -I'm your mother.
Oh, Jesus. Take them both, then.
-It's my truck. -It's not your truck.
It's traditional. The driver gets a share. He's a partner.
Son, don't flatter yourself.
Usually, there's some kind of dollar amount per mile.
Shut up and look for these two.
You're kidnapping his kids? Are you insane?
That's federal. That's a federal--
Keep your damn voice down.
Hold on.
How much money are we talking about?
You okay? You look kind of white.
I think I just stood up too fast.
-Ah. -Mom?
Just give me a goddamn minute.
You want some water or something? I'm gonna go get you some water.
No, no.
Oh, shit.
Go get this refilled.
I'm gonna sit here and do some recon.
-What? -I-- I loaned Sheila the last of the cash.
All my life I waited for that phone call.
"Peggy, he's not your son. There's been a mix-up at the hospital."
It never came.
[PEGGY SIGHS]
[CHATTERING]
All right, let's see. Oh, yeah, this is healing really nicely.
FRANK: Very nicely.
I just need a sec with the doc. Those look very real.
Jesus. I'm so sorry.
Jesus, Frank.
I'm flattered you remembered my name, because I didn't remember yours.
-So time's up. I'm here for the money. -She gave me until tomorrow.
I don't think you wanna wait till then, because she's about to kidnap your kids.
Go Wolverines.
Heh. Hey, hey, hey, don't you give me that look.
Try growing up with her, coming home to that every day after school.
Think I'm joking? She sent me out for chloroform and duct tape.
Seriously, doc, I don't think you know who you're dealing with here.
No, I know exactly who I'm dealing with.
Seventy-five, that's all I've got.
I've kept that and fake passports in here...
...in case she ever ratted me out for a reduced sentence.
This puts an end to it.
If she ever comes near my family again, I'm going directly to the police.
You tell your mother she'd better think what we know about each other.
Okay?
You don't have to go someplace you don't want to.
I don't have a choice. I'm a ward of the state.
Well, what happens if they send you back?
They'll find me a husband.
-Clyde has a brother. -A brother? How old is he?
Caleb's much younger. Sixty-five maybe.
He's very nice.
They're my family, Malik.
You're not a little kid anymore. You're 14.
You have to decide what's best for you and Jonah.
[CHATTERING]
PEGGY: Where'd you go, Philadelphia?
I spotted the older girl.
Nanny dropped her off in a stupid fucking smart car.
Piece of cake.
Mama, I went back and talked to Pitts.
-You what? -I'm trying to help.
If you got caught, you'd die in prison. Here, $50,000. Take it.
And if you think it's right, you can give me a cut.
But only if you think it's right.
You're amazing, Frank.
I was gonna get 200...
...and you were able to talk him down to 50.
Well done, fruit of my loins.
-Married? -Yeah, to some teenager from Brazil.
-She cute? FIONA: Very.
-Who's cute? -Chicken in the bucket.
Steve's back, married to some South American teenager.
-Really? -So, what did Adam do?
-Took off, left me there. -Can't blame him.
-How's Ethel doing? -She's in shock, I think. Poor thing.
-Husband murdered in prison. -Mm. Who got murdered?
Ethel's husband, Clyde.
IAN: Mm. -Cool.
Kev thinks the state might send her back now that her sclerotic husband is dead.
-Grammy still here? -Mm-mm.
-Left with Frank. IAN: Mm.
Somewhere in Chicago a priest is being mugged.
FIONA: Lip, there's chicken.
Still?
-What's that all about? -Karen, I think.
Will this summer ever end?
-Fifty grand, huh? -Not bad for a day's work.
[FRANK SCREAMS]
-Jesus, Mommy! -Give me the rest of it.
[FRANK YELLING]
Stop your squealing, you baby. I barely broke the skin.
-Give me the rest of the money. -Jesus.
-Take it. Unh. -What's this, another 10? Is this all?
Oh, fuck.
I deserve something. It's tradition.
-Is this all of it? -Yes, yes.
I'm bleeding all over Kevin's truck. Shit.
Oh, damn it to hell. You got me going again.
Give me my prescription.
Don't stab me again, okay?
[CHATTERING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
[LAUGHING]
Don't call her by name. And listen, just-- You know what to do.
I'll give you your cues. You just be sort of authoritative.
-What's with this thing? Ha-ha! -He's doing, like, a--
He's doing an urban version of a tuxedo.
VERONICA: Dance, shorty.
Right, William? What was the name of that guy?
He was saying this much money can shock your system.
Who was that guy?
Guy inherited a little over a million. Destroyed his life.
Uh, family, vultures. Lost his wife, his health.
Ended up giving the money to an orphanage.
Now, William was saying you and I together could form a trust.
I think that's a very good idea, Frank.
We should just give our money to an orphanage.
Babe, you misunderstood me. That's not saying giving it to--
Okay, okay, I'm sorry. There's just a lot of, um, people here.
So maybe I-- I think I just left something upstairs. I....
Okay. We'll talk about this later. William will be here.
Nice work, Billy. Jump in any time.
I'm telling you, you can't turn a whore into a housewife. Ha-ha!
Wow. She's gorgeous.
-Debs. Wow! -Heard you were back in town, Jimmy.
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
You look great. Where'd you get that dress?
-Oh, and married. -How's, uh--? How's school?
-It's summer. -Right, right, right.
-She's over you. -Really? You sure about that?
Mm-hm. Absolutely.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
-You really did him in the bathroom? -No, I didn't. Oh, thanks, V.
-You said she did him in the bathroom. -I said she almost did.
-Why'd you tell him? -She has to tell me.
Hey, I don't have to tell you shit.
[KEVIN SNICKERS]
KAREN: Hey, you okay? -Yes.
-Certainly are a lot of people down there. -You're doing great, Mom.
-Yeah. Yeah, sweetie, I know. -You can't drink on your medication.
I know. I just wanted to hold this to make other people feel comfortable.
Because I don't want them to think about that.
So anyway. So you go, sweetie, go on. Everything's fine. You look beautiful.
KAREN: Thank you. -I love you.
KAREN: Love you.
[CRYING]
Whoo!
Once more into the breach.
What, you don't get enough abuse just being Frank's son?
What? I wanted to congratulate the, uh, happy couple.
-Jesus, you smell like a brewery. -Hair of the dog.
Go home, Lip, please.
Whoa, Jameson, that's not gonna last long.
That's why I'm leaning towards hedge funds.
You're betting it'll go up and you're betting that they'll go down.
It's like if the Cubs won the World Series and the world ended all in one day.
-Hey, fill her up, Grammy. -You 21?
-In four years. -Or gold. Or gold.
It never goes down. What?
-What is she doing here? FRANK: Well, there's free food and booze.
-Mom won't miss that. -I don't care.
I don't want her in my house. Get her out.
-I can't do that. -Why?
Because she would slaughter me and feast on my flesh.
What?
-What are you doing here? STEVE: I brought a Cuisinart.
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
Yeah. Of course, yeah. Hi.
-Hey, listen, about the bathroom.... -Nothing happened in the bathroom.
Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.
What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.
[GLASS TINKLING]
SHEILA: Quiet, please. JODY: Quiet, everyone.
I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today...
...but baby steps.
-That's right, Mom. MAN 1: Hear, hear.
Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up.
I so wish your father could have been here today.
I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up.
And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...
...no matter who the father was, except Frank.
Heh. He hated Frank. Heh.
But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration.
Eddie didn't like being penetrated.
He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...
...that we thought was cancer...
...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....
There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...
...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way.
-Like Lip and all the Gallaghers. -[MOUTHS] What the fuck are you doing?
People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...
...where the cops always came.
Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?
MAN 2 & WOMAN: Oh. -And Frank's mother.
We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited.
And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon.
But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out?
Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.
[ALL MURMURING]
Okay, Mom, let's open presents.
Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?
Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?
No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.
-Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs. -She called me a Wacker Drive whore.
-Frank. -Let them work it out.
And I don't know how an angel like that man...
...could have come out of your poisoned womb.
-Shut up, you batty bitch. -You know what?
You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart.
And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!
I will fuck you up.
-Shit. -Shit.
KEVIN: No! -Do it! Do it!
[GUNSHOT]
Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Yes. Yes.
-Shit. Tony. -I got it.
COP: Hey, police.
TONY: Whoa, whoa. Officer Markovich, on the scene.
Sorry about that, guys.
COP: Yeah, let's go.
No! No, no, no.
No, no, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait! Wait! Wa--
LIP: You okay?
How do you like my party so far?
I'm kind of digging it, you know? It's got a, uh, certain energy.
So, little missus.
Got your, uh, Cuisinart, baby on the way.
-Yep, I'm the American dream. LIP: You are.
Except, uh, doofus is your husband and that's my baby.
So, what, do you want it on weekends?
You wanna run away together and get a double-wide?
No.
I want you to get an abortion.
Aah!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
KEVIN: Hey, Ethel? You decent? ETHEL: Um-- Uh--
Uh, just a minute.
Okay, come in.
Hey.
[IN HUSHED VOICE] Is he sleeping? Shh. Okay.
I just wanted to make sure you're doing all right.
I'm fine, thank you.
Look, I know you're sad and stuff.
I want you to know that you can talk to us, all right?
We're here for you if you need us.
-How was the party? -It was good. No one got hit.
They have to replace the smoke detector.
But everybody was asking about you, though.
Where you were, where baby Jonah was.
So....
-Good night, then. -Good night.
Uh, Mr. Kevin?
Yeah?
Thank you.
For what?
For everything.
You're welcome.
[SNORING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Hey.
FIONA: Mm. -Hey.
What's up?
DEBBIE: Are we going shopping for school clothes today?
-Mm. Day care. -After?
-Did I commit to that? -Yep.
Then yes.
[FIONA SIGHS]
-What? -Was it weird seeing Jimmy?
Jimmy?
Steve.
-Jimmy. -Who's Jimmy?
Jimmy lives in Lake Forest with his doctor father and drunk mother.
They think he goes to medical school at the University of Michigan.
Yeah? And?
Jimmy is Steve.
KEVIN: V, they're gone. VERONICA: What?
-Ethel and Jonah. -Maybe they went to day care early.
No, all their stuff is gone. His clothes, her suitcase, gone.
What--?
[POP MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
PEGGY: We a little mopey this morning? DEBBIE: No.
You're thinking that just because Carl got something...
-...maybe you should get something. -No.
Maybe if you freshen up my coffee and give your grammy a kiss...
...things will start looking up for you.
For me?
-Oh, Grammy, thank you. Thank you. PEGGY: heh-heh.
Hey, Jimmy, it's Fiona. I just wanted to say go fuck yourself.
-What's all this? DEBBIE: A new laptop.
-This is so awesome. -Christmas in August?
Ethel and Jonah are gone.
FIONA: What? -Did she say anything to you, Debbie?
DEBBIE: No. -Malik? What time does he show up?
-About an hour. -They didn't sleep at their grandparents'?
VERONICA: Ethel packed everything, baby stuff too.
She's 14 with an infant.
How far can she get? She doesn't have any money.
Those evil Jesus witches.
-They took them. -We should call the social worker.
-See if she can get the cops looking. KEVIN: If she shows up, call us.
Perfect. I'm solo today and we've got a full house for day care.
Well, I'll help you, honey.
Can we talk about these gifts?
You think I'm trying to buy their affection?
Well, it's certainly for sale.
I just had some money from an old business arrangement...
...and I thought I'd spread it around a bit.
You didn't come to see me when I was in prison.
I was 11 when you went in. I hardly knew you.
Well, that's my fault, I guess.
Five hundred bucks.
Figure from what I've seen around here, you need it more than some digital shit...
...that's gonna be obsolete before you can get it out of the box.
It's not a bribe, Fiona.
I've got some serious Grammy time to make up for around here.
-Oh, my. FRANK: What?
It's from Eddie's life-insurance company.
-The check came? -Oh, my.
Stop saying "oh, my." What does it say?
He left the money to Karen.
-He changed the beneficiary. -No. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Karen can't handle that kind of money.
She's too young, too headstrong, too.... Too promiscuous.
JODY: What's up? -It's a good thing, Frank.
Remember what you were saying about the orphanage?
-Eddie was trying to protect me. -Oh, protect you, my ass.
-He did this to fuck me. -Seventy-five thousand dollars?
-We can fight this. We'll get lawyers. -No, Frank. This is good.
Eddie had a hard time showing his affection to Karen.
This is his way. This is good. I'm happy.
Well, congratulations, my boy. You hit the jackpot.
You have fallen into a fucking field of four-leaf clovers, first time up at bat.
-Frank. FRANK: I have put in the sweat.
I've put in the time. I've put in months of work.
I have literally taken it up the ass. And you fucking waltz in here--
-Frank. -What?
I think you should go.
FRANK: No.
Uh, Sheils, I was just....
I didn't mean....
Now?
I just can't believe she hasn't called us or even left us a note.
She's gotta know we're sitting here sick with worry.
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm still here.
Teenagers' brains aren't wired to think about anyone other than themselves.
Right, okay. Thank you very much.
Social worker's gonna file a missing-persons report...
...and call the sheriff to go to that cult to see if they're there.
-She thinks we should drive around. -Kev.
KEVIN: Ethel may not have gotten far. Happens to a lot of kids.
But I just cannot believe how selfish Ethel is being.
You think something horrible happened to her? A child kidnapper or something?
"I hope you understand why I had to leave. God will watch over you both.
I know we will see each other again someday. Ethel."
I'm getting the truck keys.
We'll start over by the park and then work our way around back to the school.
-What the hell is that? -Oh, boy.
VERONICA: What?
Ah. Remember that pot you wanted me to get rid of?
Yeah.
What if maybe I didn't get rid of as much of it as I said I did?
-You buried it? -Well, I mean....
How much didn't you get rid of?
[KEVIN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
But how would she sell it?
Nobody's gonna buy pot off a white girl in a Little House on the Prairie dress.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Looking for this?
I don't think Ginger will mind that I opened her check, do you?
Seeing as how she's dead and buried out in the yard, according to Carl.
You look like shit.
Get some coffee, because we have business to discuss.
Scamming Ginger's Social Security checks.
[CHUCKLES]
Clever boy.
But it's over. Meet the new Ginger.
I'm gonna be here a while, so get used to it.
-I say, "Jump," you say, "How high?" -Eat me! I say eat me!
I'm done taking your shit. You got it?
I am a grown man. This is my family, not yours.
You're a piss-poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison.
You've made my life a living hell. And I want you out of here. Now!
Good for you. It's great to get that stuff out.
Feel better? Now, this is what I was thinking.
I'm moving into your room. I like the light.
And I'm gonna need a flat-screen up there.
Don't worry, I'll give you the money.
Can I be honest with you?
I am not the reason that your life is a piece of crap.
You came out of me a loser.
Now run to the store. I'll make a list, okay? Give me my purse.
[PEGGY SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[RINGING STOPS]
It's tough, huh?
My parents suck too.
[FRANK SIGHS]
CARL: Dad. FRANK: Mm?
CARL: Wake up.
FRANK: What? -You wet the bed.
[FRANK GROANS]
Find a dry spot. wet the bed.