That was good.
You were good.
Really?
I swear upon my glasses.
Can you stay?
Already?
It's not even been five minutes.
No, not for that.
Then?
Just.
Just?
Yeah.
Happy?
Okay.
Silly.
Bye.
Remember the famous show in the 80s, Mahabharat?
Its prologue had become quite popular.
"I am Time."
I was wondering, what if we make a modern updated version of it?
A 2.0 version of it?
Have you wondered what it would be like?
So here is, my tribute to--
"I...I..."
"I am the Timeline."
"I have many colours."
"I can be Green,"
"Blue,"
"Pink,"
"Or even Yellow."
"I am the Timeline."
"I was born in the 21st century."
"And I am here to stay, for many more centuries to come."
His name is George?
Hmm.
So much fun.
Completely crazy.
What else?
Well...
"What's happening in your life..."
"What should be happening in your life..."
"I know it all."
"Because I am the Timeline."
"I know everything."
"Who is befriending you,"
"and who is avoiding you."
"I know everything."
You know Aunt Sheru's dog bit her on her bum?
Yes, you told me about it.
- I did? - Yeah.
- Match is starting. Yo, Shikha. - Coming, coming.
What else?
I'll call you back.
"Who's heading towards their destination,"
"and who is straying away from it."
"I know everything."
Thank you very much, Theia design!
Your clothes are awesome, dude!
That's not a spider web, it's my new hammock.
Thank you Hammerina for this amazing new hammock.
Thank you Mumma, for sending me this rug.
"I am the Timeline."
"I know it all."
"Who should be a part of your life,"
"and whom you should stay away from."
"I know everything."
Wow, but when do I see you out of it?
Soon, very soon.
Should I book a room?
Why?
Do you live on the streets?
"I am the Timeline."
"I have many colours."
So, if you guys want to be a part of my timeline join me for the live feed on...
Lucky Tuesday with Deepali,
where, I will chat with one lucky fan.
So, all the best.
Fake.
This, really?
Bro, it looks animated.
Right.
You better make sure your Equipment hasn't gone rusty.
It hasn't been oiled from quite some time now.
You can use my girl. You want some tips?
You should ask her out. We'll guide you through the process.
A dud husband takes his wife to Jhony Sins,
then watches them from the side-lines.
Henceforth, he's known as Prateek.
Hello?
Brother!
You're looking good, brother.
Send me a sponsorship letter, brother.
Naveen?
Where are you?
I'm close to the house, brother.
Then why don't you go home?
Mom will cut off my balls.
You're having a good time.
I saw the pictures you uploaded on Joypad.
Great pics, brother. Jägermeister, yeah!
It's not like that, bro.
Life is quite tough out here.
You have to do everything on your own.
I do that... here as well, brother.
Life's fucked up, brother.
"Go get yogurt, go get snacks."
"Go get groceries."
"Drop Dimpy to school."
"Pick up Dimpy from school."
"Deliver Dimply's lunch box."
Let me tell you something, brother,
I've done everything for Dimpy except for bathing him.
Brother, life... a good life,
best life, best life ever...
can only be lived abroad.
Please send me that sponsorship letter, brother.
I was meant to be abroad.
I am made to live abroad.
Please send me a sponsorship letter.
- I am not meant for this fucked up life. - Naveen...
- Please send me a sponsorship letter. - Calm down.
- Please send me a sponsorship letter, brother. - Calm down.
I'll see what I can do.
You promise, brother?
Listen?
Hmm?
Listen.
Tell me your name.
"Tell me your name!"
I am just asking for your name.
Fine, don't tell me.
Fine, me too.
Whatever.
Okay.
I noticed that you aren't wearing your glasses either.
Tell me your name, please. Please, tell me.
Company policy.
I cannot tell you my name.
But it's me.
I love you.
I am always thinking about you.
And...and I know you love me too.
I've seen it in your eyes.
Have you actually ever looked into my eyes?
And you don't think about me, you think about what we do.
Nooo!
I do that with many girls.
But you are the only one I think about.
Really?
Of course.
Okay.
You don't believe me?
Okay.
I will prove it to you.
I'll make out...make out with a girl,
record a video and bring it next time,
so you can see for yourself.
Do we have a deal?
Deal!
You get the video and I'll tell you my name, my address... my everything.
Promise?
You too.
So what's else?
Same old stuff.
Home, friends, handover.
Handover, not hangover.
What about you?
Nothing new.
Oh yeah, we went to Haveli with Sheru aunty.
They have installed new swings.
- It was fun. - Really?
There's just one Haveli there.
Here we have restaurants better than Haveli on every corner.
What?
Nothing.
Hang on, someone's at the door.
"Have some milk of love, my boy, you look weak!"
"My boy, you look weak!
Oh so we got a new mujra addict, huh?
Oh I'm Dilruba Shehzadi's number one fan.
She is so good over here, you know.
Listen-listen-listen...
Feroz called.
Where are we going this evening?
Royal March?
Nooo!
No, that place is more like The Dandi March than Royal March.
True, they add too much salt.
Hey brown guys, English, come on.
Sorry, sorry. Nandos?
No-no-no-no. I don't want to go there.
Let's try another place, come on.
Okay, so why don't we try a new place, yeah?
- Yeah. - Yes, please.
Adil's going to cry, bro.
120%, bro.
He's going to be like, "Bhalla saab, let's just go to a tried and tested place,
because my balls are too small and I don't like surprises."
You know he reminds me of that Indian character from,
Master of None, his name is Daiv.
Dev.
That's what I said.
Daiv.
Dev.
Oh, come on!
Shit!
I forgot Shikha is on hold.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
What?
You took your own sweet time.
George has come over.
Yeah, I heard.
You've taught him a lot in four months.
No!
You know how it all starts.
"Bro, teach me some Hindi cuss words."
It begins from there and...
As I was saying...
Getting embarrassed?
No!
Just looking for better network.
Look for a better excuse.
Come on!
Anyway forget that.
Have you watched the show, Master of None?
There's this Indian character in it, Dev.
He's so funny and irritating at the same time.
Oh, come on!
Hmm.
He is dope!
We have a friend, Adil, who behaves exactly like Dev.
He is always cribbing.
Yes, you told me about him.
I did?
He's funny. I must have told you about him.
What else?
Nothing.
Prattu! Talk to me!
What you see is a foot of the Immortal, kiss it.
Don't bug me.
I fucked the best person in the world.
The milkman?
Huh?
Duh, we had cybersex.
Next time we'll do it on this bed.
But don't you have rules about not bringing any girl home?
That's only for butterflies like Tia and Pooja.
This one is special.
@YOU are saying a girl is #Special?
What do you mean?
Ladies and Gentlemen,
not so long ago there was a lowlife, Prateek Chawla,
who could catch fish with his eyes closed
- I still do. - He'd be with a new fish every night.
Drama queen.
One night after he ate all the fishes in the pond,
he came across a fish who managed to touch his heart.
The special girl...
What's her name?
Neena.
Neena!
Not so special, bro.
A girl is only special till you get her under you.
You'll see how I turn her from special to ordinary on this very bed.
And how will I see that?
Huh?
What you thinking, bro?
How to propose to her?
Come
I'd let you enter the sacred garden that day.
Today, I'll let you enter the sacred cave.
Sit down.
Oh, confidential stuff.
Ever heard of Guyzlockerroom?
What's that?
Contains adult content.
You think you can handle it?
I have memorised the names and filmography of all pornstars by heart.
- Anaesthesia Bella, Danger Coco Mendy... - Here.
Mind blown?
This group picks up from where your porn ends.
An exclusive group of Tomcats from all over Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore...
Guyzlockerroom.
I wish I could un-see that.
Used goods.
Boring, damaged goods.
My girl sucks so well.
Just like a vacuum cleaner.
Does she suck or gargle?
A limited, members only group.
Everything is shared here.
Who fucked whom, how,
and how many times.
Driving me crazy.
Who got hold of some good stuff and who got hold of cheap stuff...
What's everyone's count and where are they stuck at...
Fuck!
I've found an awesome place behind Yamuna highway.
A look at it and you are sure to kiss my balls.
All 3 of us should grab her and plunge her together.
I've had her in the ninth grade.
She locks you in just like a bitch.
Did someone use a baton to release you?
I too have ridden her.
Gave my friend a free ride as well.
She told me she's a virgin.
Ever watched Fight Club?
What the fuck does this have to do with Fight Club?
First rule of Fight Club, you don't talk about Fight Club.
Right.
This group is like that.
Then why are you telling me about it?
Because these bloody pricks called me a cunt.
I've sworn to live stream my sex session on their exclusive group,
to let them know Prateek Chawla doesn't have special feelings for any girl.
And I'll come here later to collect your torn condoms?
Of course, you will.
But before that, you'll record it on your computer through my webcam.
Pratty...
Listen, you bloody Faltuminds's numbnut...
Fuck this up and I'll live stream your funeral.
Are we clear?
So, you'll do it. Your bro needs you.
Okay guys, we have John here with us.
Hey, hi, I am John.
- Hi John, I'm Deepali. - Hi.
I didn't expect to get through so I'm just a little...
- You know. - Same here.
I guess you are lucky.
Well...
And you are really pretty.
Well... you're not that lucky.
I know.
A perfect 'left it hanging' moment, bro.
Love you, Deepali ma'am.
Make a video on depression as well.
I know I'm not that lucky, but you...you are amazing, you know.
Your thoughts, your blogs, your videos...
- They're really amazing. - Thank you, John.
Actually, it's you guys and I just see myself,
and you guys are pouring in so much love,
I just feel blessed at times, seriously, thank you.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
I thought you'd be a little snobbish.
You might have a little attitude, but you are quite, you know...
You know...
Normal?
You are normal, yes.
Normal. Normal but not ordinary.
Not at all.
Okay thank you, that's kind.
Madam, your videos are so nice.
- You make amazing videos. - Thank you, Geetanjali.
Excellent videos.
Yes, I know the exams are on, so all the best.
Thank you Pallavi, thank you Harish, thank you Priyanka123.
- I am definitely going to do a video... - I want to see you.
Yeah, you can see fifteen hundred pictures of mine on the Grid.
I guess they are all nice!
And she's hit the ball out of the park!
That's... that's not what I meant.
I mean I want to meet you, you know, face to face?
We live in different countries actually.
I just saw you're from Boston, so Mr. John, we can't.
Yeah, but I can...I can travel.
No, John.
Why?
I told you, we cannot meet.
- Okay. - You should meet him, don't act pricey.
You can have me, darling.
I have the same goods she has.
He has a Panis @Babydollsoneki.
He's a guy.
Guys, show some respect.
And we have Deepali's pimp amongst us.
- Meet me instead. - This is not right.
- You should... - You should expose a little at least.
Just a little?
Hey fucker, just shut up!
Mind your fucking tongue dude, I'll... I'll report you assholes.
Who talks like that?
What's your hourly rate, babe?
Do you charge for a meeting?
- Shut up, guys! - John, stop it.
They'll troll you even more.
- Fuck you guys, nobody talks like that, please. - She's doing this to get more likes.
John, please stop this.
I don't need your help.
- I'm just... - Please.
This is the problem with talking to ordinary people like you.
You either think that you are stars or you start thinking that we are ordinary.
Well sweetheart, none of that is true.
You bitch, we make you a star and you start acting pricey?
- How dare you call us ordinary? - Why are you saying that, ma'am?
Have you seen your face in the mirror?
What the fuck are you saying, bitch?
It's all fixed.
She's doing this to increase her followers.
She is hiding something.
A big dildo.
That's why she keeps vibrating in all her videos.
I'll unfollow you.
Don't you dare call me ordinary!
You are a star because we like you.
You shit from the same place we do.
We both fart from the same place, bitch.
Do you charge per hour?
- She's hiding something. - Will you guys fucking shut up, man?
Will you please let her talk? You're on a live right now.
- Will you fucking shut up? - Stop it, John.
GOTI26 mind your fucking tongue.
You guys have no sense or what?
- I'm really-- - You know what?
Thank you.
Thank you for ruining the chances for all those,
whose calls I won't be taking because of this call.
- Bye. - What are you hiding?
She's doing this to get more likes.
I'll unfollow you.
Doesn't she look like that old pornstar Pamela?
You shit from the same place we do.
We both fart from the same place, bitch.
She's hiding something.
I mean I want to meet you, face to face?
You can see my 1500 pictures on the PoloGrid.
I guess they are all nice!