And we are live!
Wasssuppp... hornified witches, Kevin's bitches.
Back for some more action, huh?
Your bro just dropped a new banger, only for you wankers.
Let's find out how many likes the angel of likes has bestowed
"I'm in love with an angel!"
Gormint aunty, Dhinchak Singh, Vipin Dhorta and 890 others have liked the video.
890!
You waste your data on those stupid cats licking dogs butt videos,
and turn crawling babies into stars!
You won't appreciate the guy who works so hard.
That's it. I am done with you guys.
Okay, you know I'm not.
What a freaky sneaky ninja!
Trying to butter my ass huh, you soft dildo?
Let's read the comments...
That's what you guys enjoy the most, don't you?
Howdy, sleazy Kevin.
Howdy, bro.
Kevin bro, I want to kiss you... Mwwwwwwwaaaaah!
Monty Sahote?
All okay, bro?
That's one hell of a wet kiss.
Renuka Dhar: fucking fagot.
There!
Now that's what I call a comment.
Upfront insult.
You know what you need to write such a comment?
Balls... aka nuts!
Something you guys don't have.
So...
So babies goooo, oil that finger, press the button.
Give me more likes and keep me alive.
One lakh got it?
I want one lakh like-share-comments.
Like-share-comment. Like-share-comment.
Okay, bye.
Deepali Shah!
Deepali Shah, Deepali Shah...
Where you at?
Oh Rishi Baba!
What's up?
Deepali Shah, bro!
I've sent her a friend request.
Beeped her on Beeper. DMed her on PoloGrid.
And?
Neither has she accepted my friend request nor has she replied to my beep.
She keeps following squirts like Ashish Chanchlani, Bhuan Bam, Badana Shadana.
Why doesn't she follow me?
I'm also a blue tick, man!
Get it tattooed on your face then.
Stop bugging me, I'm busy.
Busy doing what, huh?
Checking Richa's Zumba story?
No.
Then?
Pornom, milkboobies, wetme?
No.
You're a shitty liar man.
How do manage to win at poker?
I'm winning ten thousand.
Go prepare for the next video.
That's why I've called you, bro.
Want to act in it? It's a nice part.
Champa Chameli's Clickbait Wife. Mwah.
Nope. Once was more than enough.
Why bro? I'll make you a star.
Nope.
Stop bugging me. Bye.
Okay wait, wait, wait.
Just go and check out Ron's profile.
Not interested.
It's so fucking 'goguuuu'. You should check it out.
Whatever. I'm still not interested. Let me play.
He's uploaded fresh stock.
Fresh?
Fresh and sizzling.
Really?
Fine, let's check it out.
Hang on. Come on...
I'm in. Where?
Check out his wall, it's loaded with pics.
The one on the top?
They are so cheesy!
Read the comments.
You'll find more cheese and tofu than you can ever digest.
Really?
"Aww... this is my favourite one, baby."
"Mwah-mwah-mwah."
"Mine too, baby."
"Mwah."
"Oh Couple Goals."
"Oh, you guys look so cute together." Wink-wink.
"Yes, sugarbum."
Sugarbum, huh?
Lick that, sugarbum!
That's perfect.
Content, my boy. Content. Like it.
Who pinged you?
No one.
Thinking about your reply to Richa?
You are funny.
And she's gone offline.
Now keep thinking for a week with your pee wand in your hand.
Next time you call her she'll say
"Oh my Loser Rishi is back. Oh my little cutie Loser Rish..."
Mom?
Adjust the camera, mom.
- Adjust it, Naveen. - I want to see you.
Hang on, hang on.
Hello, hello. Hi, brother.
Why are you crying, mom?
I am hale and hearty. I am eating well.
What are you eating?
Cornflakes.
Why are you having pop corn?
I told you to send me along.
He would at least get to eat some parathas.
- What's wrong? - No one listens to me.
- Move. - Get up.
Okay, I'll stand back there.
Hey!
Hello, dad.
Hi. How are you doing, young man?
So, are you enjoying your work?
Yes, dad.
Good, good, very good.
It better be worth all the money, huh.
Okay.
So, have you shifted to your new place?
Yes, I did.
Then how about a tour?
- Yes, give us a tour. - There you go, your mom finally smiles.
That up there is the study.
Very good.
Look, your good-for-nothing son has finally started studying.
- What rubbish! - Right.
That's the kitchen.
It's great.
You designed it?
No no, it's rented.
- I see. - That's the main door.
You enter from there.
Here's the dining area.
I see. So that's where you were sitting?
Yes.
- It's nice. - Good, good.
That's the living room.
That's the washing area.
I see.
And that's my room.
- Good, good. - Why is it so messy?
I haven't unpacked yet.
- See you tomorrow. - See you.
- I'll clear the mess. Don't worry. - Alright.
Who's that guy?
He's my flatmate, John. Wait, I'll introduce you.
John.
Mommy and daddy.
Mom and dad?
- John. - Hello.
- Hello, John. - Hello.
Hello.
Where did you come from?
Just came from the gym.
No, I meant which part of India did you come from?
Oh.
Uncle, Bangalore.
Oh Bangalore huh, like that!
Bangalore.
Let me.
Hello, John.
I want you two to stay together like brothers.
No fighting, okay?
And don't befriend any Negros.
Stay away from them.
What are you doing? I'm just explaining...
Okay?
Sure... sure.
Okay, John. Bye. Thank you.
Okay, John. Bye.
Okay, aunty.
Nice talking to you.
Mummy, can I call you back in the morning?
It's quite late.
Let's talk tomorrow, okay?
Okay. Listen, listen, listen.
You know it's a new place.
You will take some time to adjust.
So don't feel scared, okay?
Okay, dad.
Uncle, can I talk to him?
- Yes, sure. - Go on.
Hello hello, brother.
All good, Naveen?
All good, brother.
Please have a word with your company about my sponsorship.
Yeah, done.
It'll be easier for me to get a visa.
Disconnected?
Must be because of err, bad Wifi.
Maybe there's an issue with the speed or something.
A Christian for a roommate, really? Couldn't he find anyone else?
Did you notice the whole house is filled with crosses?
Not a single photo of Guruji!
The next time he calls, let him know that I am upset.
- Fine, I'll let him know. - It is working.
Wifi's working.
Then download the movie I'd asked you to.
"It's working!"
Download it.
Oh Shikha baby, I miss you so so so much.
Gogu, I miss you too.
I don't want to live without you.
I am coming back.
Hey! I am right in front of you.
Not enough Gogu, I want to touch you, feel you, hug you, kiss you, be...
Bye, dear!
Bye, mom.
Don't worry. She knows everything anyway.
But what is going on, Gogu?
What is wrong? You just went there.
Focus on your career.
People are die for the American dream and look at you...
They are duffers, Shikha.
America is disgusting.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
Their culture, their food...
Cornflakes? Emotionless Pigs.
They keep gulping down black coffee 24x7.
Wherever you go it stinks of black coffee.
And they are so self-centred.
You say hello and they only say hello and leave.
Not like they stop, have a chat, sip some tea, nothing like that.
Okay, enough about that.
What about work?
Work?
These Americans never appreciate you, no matter how hard you work.
Shikha, you know what's the worst thing about these Americans?
No.
Exactly. "No."
They don't take a second to say no.
They don't even consider if someone's feelings are hurt.
Just keep saying no, no, no. And...
And?
And I have to do all the chores myself.
Laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping, cooking...
Sizzling hot parathas.
I don't want it now, Didi. Please leave.
Yes, you do.
- I don't want it now, Didi. - Sizzling hot parathas.
That's all Didi, please.
And some honey yogurt?
Okay. Fine. That's enough.
- Butter? - No!
Is that Vikas?
Hi, Vikas.
Hi, Didi.
How's America?
Very good.
Okay, bye.
Ma'am!
Shikha refused to take butter with it.
How will this work, Gogu.
You are supposed to stay there for five years.
No, no, no.
No Shikha, I cannot stay here, I'll die.
I miss you.
I miss my parents.
I miss my house.
I miss "Haveli"
I miss Didi's buttery parathas.
Then come back.
Right.
No, for real.
If that place is making you so sad, there's no point staying there, yeah?
Come back.
My parents?
How cute.
Their only son will be back with them.
What else could they ask for?
And those uncles and aunties?
To hell with them. Those bloody...
Those bloody...?
Oh my my!
Shikha I love you, love you, love you, so-so-so-so-so much!
I'm coming back, baby.
I want to just jump out of the phone and kiss you.
Then what the fuck are you doing on Bumper?
Upload your profile on suhagan.com instead.
No.
Ugly.
No.
Sheesh.
No.
Gayatri. Archeologist. Nice!
I think I have a bone... you must inspect.
Kevin!
It's for science.
Kevin, be convinced, man.
You won't have to dig too deep.
Kevin, you bastard...
Prattyyy!
Have you fucking lost it?
Like-share-comment on the new video I have just upload, bro.
You and your videos!
I want fucking m-ass-ive hits this time.
Come here and talk. This isn't a fucking intercom.
- You'll like it then? - No.
And comment on it as well, yeah?
- I am busy, go fuck yourself. - I'm coming.
Come on Gayatri, you could have at least inspected the bone.
I have uploaded a new video, so please like-share-comment.
I lost a butterfly because of your sissiness.
I have uploaded a new video, so please like-share-comment.
Like-share-comment, like-sha...
And... sorry about your butterfly.
Don't sweat it, bro.
You know what I am if she's a butterfly?
I am a bumblebee.
And this is a garden.
Full of butterflies.
They're just two chats away, bro.
Prattu...
I've have ignored it for a while now.
I guess it's time you tell me how you pull this off.
I mean, how do you do it?
Hop on.
You've entered a sacred place, show respect.
You want to hit my balls only all the time.
My will is going to have my joypad password!
Your Holiness, Joypad King Supreme, let's begin.
Two chats, let's get the chick.
Fine. Give me a hot chick's name.
Jennifer Lawrence.
Jennifer Lawrence?
Aww...
Pick someone in your reach?
Nidhi.
Nidhi will do.
Which one?
- The one on the top, 8 mutual friends. - This one?
Yes.
Fuck up and these eight mutual friends will fuck you up.
Nope. Nidhi won't do.
She's online. Tia's online, bro.
And who's this Tia?
We had our first chat last night.
Now watch how the second chat works its wonders.
Today I either get her number or a video call.
Straight "I miss you"?
Yes.
Now she'll reply: "Why?"
Yeah right.
She knows that it's a lie.
But being wanted is always wanted.
Alia? What's this Alia thing?
She kept messaging some fucking shit about Alia.
Always remember the last conversation you had with the girl.
They remember everything, bro.
This makes them feel like you are actually paying attention.
It kind of creates a lovey-dovey atmosphere.
Asshole.
Bastard.
Damn it, she sent a smiley. She should have messaged "LOL".
What's wrong with a smiley?
SMILEYs are dry.
LOLs are wet.
Ram Lal's family?
What?
She's asking, "Who is Ram Lal?"
Fuck!
But...
Huh?
Are we done?
Uh-uh.
You can't just be forward and polite, bro.
You have to be available... yet mysterious.
Confusing.
That's the intention.
Use the confusion to go for the kill.
- Violence. - Right.
Message her:
"Give me your number or else I'll jump off my window."
"And Ram Lal sits right under my window."
I'll send it.
Send it. It's a nice joke.
- LOL. - LOL?
Awesome, she's a done deal.
Not LOL, bro, this is dull.
I'm funnier than this shit even when I'm quiet!
Is she crazy? How can she laugh at such a joke?
You think she's a miss-goody-two-shoes?
These girls are just like us.
They too want the same thing we want,
but only we boys get a bad name for it.
- Is it? - Hmm.
So, aren't you scared of them getting clingy out of desperation?
Don't be a pinhead, Kevin.
You know what is the best joint-venture of the 21st century?
Desperate chicks and the web word.
Getting rid of them is just as easy as hunting them.
You just need to know the art.
90% of them are just like us.
Hello-hi, bye-bye.
And here are some simple tips to get rid of the rest.
One: Unfriend the girl as soon as you are done with her.
What?
No longer required.
Two: Keep your profile's setting such that no one can post on your wall.
Three: Always keep your friends list hidden.
Four: Never ever mention where you stay,
and always have two phones,
one for web world and one for the real world.
And...
Hey, I'll be right back.
Mysterious?
Yes.
But always beware of the Pooja kind.
Pooja?
The bitch.
The mother of all desperate chicks.
Oh.
She'd made different ids on different platforms and messaged, poked, video called me.
Bumper, Joypad, all the possible platforms, bro.
She didn't spare any.
She's a pain in the ass.
Sounds disgusting.
Tia!
Oh Tia, Tia, Tia!
Tia, Tia, Tia!
No-no-no-no-no...
Bro, don't forget to like-share-comment and press the bell icon.
What?
Ine-wet-able, you see!
Wow!
Guddy?
Help me please. Please Somebody help me.
Please somebody help me.
Hi, hi... Hello? Are you live?
Hi, hi. Yes yes. I'm... I'm live.
- Hi. - Thank god.
I need you to help me.
Ya ya tell me.
Please call 911, please help me, help me.
Yeah-yeah, wait-wait.
You have to help me.
Please call 911.
Calling calling, 91...
Tell them that...
- Please tell them that I need some one, please. - But our emergency number is 100.
Please, please tell them I need some...
Tell them what-what?
Please tell them I need some...
Yeah, tell them what?
Tell them I need someone to...
To open my bra.
Huh?
Can you open my bra?
Yeah?
Sorry honey, members only.
1000 dollars?
Big bro!
Hey, Kev!
I've uploaded a new video, quickly go and like-share-comment.
"Hey big brother, I miss you."
"You have been abroad for three years now."
"When are you coming back?"
How about starting the conversation the normal way, kiddo?
Such an ass yaa.
Wait.
Hey.
Hey big bro.
It has been so long since you went abroad.
I miss you.
- Hey, stop it, Kev. - When are you coming back?
Bro, now please go
- and like-share-comment my video? - Stop it ya, Kev.
You have to make it the number one...
- ...trending video in Boston. - Stop it, kiddo.
Will you stop it?
Every time you call me you're talking about videos, bro.
Step outside, meet your friends... get a real job, man.
Date some cool girl, maybe?
Bro, you are not cool enough to understand.
I'm not cool enough?
Your elder brother is not cool enough?
You know what Kev, I've got a newsflash...
Yo Kev... Vinny?
Deepali Shah has started following me.
- Deepali Shah has started following me. - Kevin? Yo!
Deepali Shah has started following me.
I knew that she'd start following me if I refresh 50 times.
It happened after doing it for only 47 times.
Deepali Shah has started following me.
Villagers, go fuck the elves.
I don't even care if you even go fuck yourselves.
Deepali Shah has started following me. Fuck me.
Now here's how it's going to be.
Kevin feat. Deepali Shah, Deepali Shah feat. Kevin.
We'll collab, we'll jam, we'll go fucking viral!
Deepali Shah! Deepali Shah! Deepali Shah!
Long live the Virus Lord!
No-no-no! Long live the Wireless Lord!
Connection...
- Long live the Router Lord! - Hey Kev, yo...
"Deepali Shah... Ddu-Du Ddu-Du!"
Alright, yo, relax yo, Kev, relax.
Bro, Deepali Shah has started following me.
- FINALLY! - Okay, okay, okay, relax.
Relax. That's a girl right?
- Tell me more. - Not a girl, she's a star.
Deepali Shah?
A movie star? What film is she in?
Deepali Shah, bro!
She's the biggest influencer on social media.
Even bigger than SRK.
Check out her PoloGrid and JoyPad profiles.
All her posts get 100,000 plus likes within seconds.
Her posts, her videos, her blogs...
They are the coolest.
She has millions of followers.
It is very difficult to get her to follow you.
And your brother has done it.
- Done it, done it, done it. - Kiddo, kiddo, listen...
These cyber stars are losers in real life.
And for shouting out loud, most of their friends are jpegs, yo.
Oh please, you too have a Joypad account.
Which I check once in a month, not four times in a second.
- Kev, think creative. - Please stop, yo.
What do I write?
Dear Deepali, you are my mentor,
thanks for connecting my android to your iPhone bluetooth.
Crap! Crap! Crap!
I need to go shit.
Joypad.
Deepali Shah.
Not bad at all.
2.7 million.
1.2 million people liked this.
4.1 million people have liked this.
Wow!
What?
Mad.
Fucking crazy.
Videos...
This is a day ago.
Hi guys!