[lighthearted music playing]
[slurping]
Mm.
You seem in good spirits today.
Oh, yes!
Stolas has had his heart shat on
by that little imp cretin he was seeing. [giggles]
Oh?
Yes, I believe he finally learnt
that that filthy little beast was only using him
to gain access to his grimoire.
[cackling] Fucking moron.
[sputters] Gain, gain access to... [coughs] to his what?
That fancy book thing.
[stammers] Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stolas was letting an imp use his Goetia-given grimoire,
and you didn't tell me?
-Why do you care? -Because we have been trying
to figure out a means to usurp your horny ex-husband's power,
and this whole time you knew about the incredibly illegal thing he was doing
and you didn't think it might be a good idea to let me know?!
Well, don't yell at me!
[slurps]
Now you fucking know.
You are so lucky you are hot, Stella.
[quirky music playing]
[squeaks]
So, the four of you are... remind me again?
We're interns, sir.
We're looking for cool businesses to work for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what interns are. I'm not an idiot, okay?
But I can't really afford new employees at the moment.
[intern] Oh, interns work for experience, sir.
Come again?
Experience.
Oh, you mean for free.
Experience?
Well, I can't argue with free, kiddo. You're hired.
Sir. You need to see this.
[guard] Come out! We've got you surrounded!
[reaper] Employees of the illegal business I.M.P.,
you are hereby arrested for breaking demon law. Surrender yourselves.
You guys are in deep shit!
Blitzo, what are we gonna do?
[guard] You can't escape!
-Quick, hide everything! -[squeaks]
[guard 2] Come out with your hands up.
We are going to beat you.
-What? -[guard 2] But only a little.
Fuck!
[guard 2] There's nowhere to run, you little red shits.
[Loona panting]
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[guard 2] We are going to beat you.
But on-- but only a little.
May-Maybe a lot.
[toilet flushes]
[guard 2] Just come out.
I'm trying! I'm fucking trying!
[shredder squealing]
[screeches] The shredder is jammed!
Then figure it out, Moxxie!
[guard 2] Come out with your hands up.
[crackling]
[reapers snarling]
-[wheezing coughs] -[Blitzo] Come on, guys.
[coughing]
-Blitzo, they will see us. -Well, we can either run,
or we can face the music.
[sinister music playing]
[crackling]
[snarls]
-[squeaks] -Is this part of the job?
[ghostly screeching]
Get in the van. Hurry, hurry, hurry.
[ignition sputtering]
C-Come on, come on, we got it.
-Where are we going? -Anywhere but here.
Get ready for a life on the run, gang.
[engine revs]
[screeches, crashes]
[rattling]
I fucking hate you so much, Blitzo.
[reaper] Freeze, criminals.
[guns cock]
[chains rattle]
[groans]
Come on, guys. This is, this is all just one big misunderstanding.
Uh, is this about the orphans?
'Cause they were already sick to begin with.
[Satan] Silence!
We are here to sentence the criminal imp, Blitz-o.
A-Actually, sir, the O is...
-[snarls] -Totally there. You nailed it, great job.
You and your crew are on trial
for stealing a powerful Goetic heirloom
for undocumented personal use in the mortal realm.
How do you plead?
Oh, this is about the book?
Ha! I didn't steal that thing.
I mean, I tried, right? But since when is attempting a crime illegal, am I right?
Always.
Point is, it was given to me, okay? I was allowed to use it.
Lies! Your Honor,
speaking on behalf of my aggressively attractive sister,
I must testify that this brutish imp
was forcing himself on her husband Stolas, who,
unlike a responsible
and handsome Goetic demon such as myself, was too weak
and ashamed to come forward about it.
-The poor thing. -What?!
Hey, I didn't force shit.
-[muffled shouts] -This vile, hideous imp
has put his kind to shame, committing such horrid acts
to gain the upper hand.
That isn't what happened.
Silence! [growls]
Um, Satan? Sorry.
[stammers] What did we say about negative energies in our mind temple?
Yeah, remember to take deep breaths.
Right, yeah.
Continue.
[clears throat]
I'd like to add, Your Honor, that in addition
to his unspeakable acts with our dear, beloved Stolas--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where is Stolas, anyway?
Can't he speak on this himself? ¿Qué carajo?
He has not been informed of this trial.
¿Qué? Why not?
If this involves him, then he should be here, no?
Puedo creer. We need to summon him at once.
Okay, Vassago.
Shut the fuck up.
¡No me voy a callar, pendejo arrogante!
Stella and I didn't want to put him through the trauma
of facing his aggressor.
Who, might I also add--
dramatic pause--
plotted to have him assassinated!
[muffled] What?!
[muffled shouting]
Puta madre...
[muffled shouting continues]
[muffled shouting]
That wasn't him.
We don't know who wanted Stolas dead,
but it wasn't Blitzo.
-Oh? Well, perhaps we should ask... -[snaps]
-[rattling] -...the hit man himself.
Who has agreed to give us his testimony in exchange for immunity.
It was him, all right.
Paid me to kill the precious Goetia
to cover up what he was doing with the, uh...
Um... um...
-Line? -The grimoire.
Yeah, that.
[groans]
What?!
Look, I am an assassin, okay?
If I wanted to kill Stolas, I would've done it my-fucking-self!
[crowd gasping]
[crying] We're gonna fucking die.
Hang on, that's not what I meant, okay?
I'm just saying I could've totally fucking killed Stolas myself.
B-But I would never do tha--
What a disappointment.
This is bullshit, guys. I've met this li'l imp dude before.
He's a real wildcard, but he's a lot of fun
and I think we should hear him out.
-It's probably not a big deal. -Yeah.
I'm sure he has a good reason for all this.
Oh, shut up, you two.
We all know you enjoy slumming it with the lower class plebs.
Unlike the rest of us. [chuckles]
Right, Levy? [chuckling]
Oh, you want to fucking go, Mam?
You're just pissy nobody wants to fuck with a flaming pile of clown shit.
Also, suck a dick.
Why don't you buzz on back to your mutt, bitch?
Why don't you keep fucking yourself, you big asshole?
[Satan] Why don't we take a vote?
Who wants to listen to hours of testimony?
Who wants to kill this imp bastard and get home for lunch?
Oh, fuck all of y'all.
Ha! Suck it, ya bloody cunt!
[menacing laughter]
You should've remained in your place, imp.
You see, this is what happens when lesser demons
try to step out of line.
[Satan] For the treacherous crime of stealing a Goetia's grimoire
for illegal use, bringing harm to a Goetic prince,
and accessing the mortal coil without clearance or procedure,
you, Blitz-o, and your crew are hereby sentenced to death.
Hey, Levy. After we celebrate this imp's death, let's go out, huh?
Out on the town, what do you reckon?
And due to your bold actions against the laws of Hell,
your execution will be broadcasted across the Seven Rings.
To remind all of imp-kind why
our power must never be challenged again.
[dramatic music playing]
[rumbling]
♪ ♪
No! Not them, your highness.
It was me, it was all me, okay?
You can't expect to teach anyone a lesson by killing all of us.
You dare try to tell me how to punish?
Uh, Satan?
S-Sorry.
You know what? Today is an amethyst and you're acting kind of ruby. Yeah?
Try some meditation,
realign your chakras.
Look, all that Hell is gonna see is you
executing imps who are just trying to do their job.
I'm the rogue here, not them.
Blitzo, what are you doing?
[sighs] Fine.
I suppose I created imp-kind to be obedient,
I see no reason to punish the dutiful.
Just axe the mouthy one.
Oh shit, I did not see that coming.
Look, I'm sorry, Mox, I did everything I could--
You know he means you, right?
-[reaper growls] -Fuck me.
[upbeat music playing]
[coughs, squawks]
Oh, my Lucifer. What are they doing?!
[slippers squeaking]
[Satan] Do you have any final words?
We'll pretend to care.
All I was trying to do was rise above the stupid fucking place
you all forced us into!
Your highness, please. Blitzo just--
Moxxie, stop.
Blitzo, I can't let you.
This big, red bitch never planned on hearing us out.
Just...
Just take care of Loona for me.
[sobs] No! I can't look, Millie.
[rattling]
[dramatic music playing]
[whimpers]
[sobs]
I love you guys.
[all gasping]
[Yogirt] Oh, my holy heck.
[triumphant music playing]
[Blitzo] Ugh, Stolas!
Get your ass out of my face.
What in Lucifer's Hell is this?
I'm about to explain everything in the only way I know how.
-Song. -[Vassago] Yes!
Yes! ¡Cántalo, baby!
[gentle piano music playing]
♪ I came down just as soon as I heard ♪
♪ of the imp stood accused ♪
♪ of a devilish crime ♪
♪ Could it be that a worm such as this half a brain ♪
♪ could concoct such a plot so sublime? ♪
♪ Does this fool deserve the flame? ♪
♪ Or is someone else to blame? ♪
♪ Like who, you ask? ♪
♪ Some kind of mastermind ♪
♪ A mind behind the plan ♪
♪ Some villain's grand design ♪
♪ To use the book to breach the world of man ♪
♪ Could he be roaming free scheming more mastermindery? ♪
♪ Will he rest? ♪
♪ Who knows what he may unleash ♪
♪ Next, do you execute this little wretch? ♪
♪ Pat yourself on the back ♪
♪ Close the case ♪
♪ Let this imp take the blame, take the fame ♪
♪ Let his name light a fire in the hearts of his race ♪
♪ Why it's more than I can bear ♪
♪ I must make all of Hell aware ♪
♪ Fuck it ♪
♪ I am the mastermind ♪
♪ The hand that holds the strings ♪
♪ No simple imp of mine could master the disaster ♪
♪ Oh, it stings that you thought ♪
♪ You had caught the schemer of the schemes I wrought ♪
♪ I confess, it was me and I have no regrets ♪
♪ I have regrets ♪
♪ Why am I throwing my freedom away for this idiot? ♪
♪ What have you done? ♪
♪ I would rather be dead ♪
-♪ than live life ♪ -♪ I can't live life ♪
[both] ♪ without you by my side ♪
♪ So if it keeps you alive ♪
♪ What are you doing? ♪
♪ I don't deserve this ♪
♪ I am the mastermind ♪
♪ The master of my fate ♪
♪ I realized too late ♪
♪ Sure as the stars have shined ♪
♪ I'll give my life to clean your slate ♪
♪ Don't give your life to clean my slate ♪
♪ You're my light ♪
♪ You're my heart ♪
♪ Only death can rend our love apart ♪♪
[Satan cackling]
Well, isn't that adorable?
We have been betrayed by one of our own.
A Goetic demon.
Your hubris has gotten the better of you, Prince Stolas.
♪ I am the mastermind ♪
♪ And here I am the law ♪
[all] ♪ He is the law ♪
♪ I've ruled the endless dark ♪
♪ Since long before the golden angel's fall ♪
♪ So you see ♪
♪ Next to me, your master plans all look so small ♪
♪ Little mice ♪
♪ When you break my rules you pay ♪
♪ the price ♪♪
Release the pawn.
Stolas of the Ars Goetia,
you are a disgrace.
No. No. Stolas, you-you can't. You can't do this.
Stolas, please.
Get the fuck off me.
Stolas. Stolas. Stolas!
Fucking use your powers, do something!
[crying] Stolas!
Ah! Let me back in!
Wow! This is a sturdy door.
[grunts] Ow! My supple wrist.
-[sobbing] Sir, sir... You're here. -Dad.
Don't you ever do that to me again, you fucking idiot.
[sinister music playing]
[crying]
Uh... What are you doing?
Um...
I mean, aren't you going to, you know,
execute me?
Ha! Aw, no, course not.
You are a Goetia.
But I committed a heinous crime.
Yeah, you did.
But, you are demon royalty, so... your life has actual worth.
So, um, can I... can I go then?
[laughing] What? You can't-can't go...
You have... [laughing]
No. Ooh, ooh. No, no. You still definitely fucked up.
We just need to figure out a fitting punishment for you.
Might I suggest something, your majesty?
I think you should banish this shameful excuse for a prince
and allow someone else to take over his legions.
Considering the heir isn't yet of age, I'd be happy to volunteer.
After all,
I'm basically everything he is, but... [clears throat]
not a deviant piece of shit.
Yeah, that works.
[echoing] Stolas.
I hereby strip you of your status,
your power and your title.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
[Satan] For the next hundred years.
Oh, motherfuck! Seriously?
You will have to live amongst the citizens of Hell
and revel in your failings.
But what about my daughter?
She'll be safe and sound... with her mother,
the wholesome parent.
I guess that settles it. [clears throat]
Court's adjourned. Time for lunch.
Yeah. It's fucking lunchtime!
[gallery cheering]
Buh-bye, Stolas. Enjoy horny jail.
You... [grunts]
You open this door right--
Ah!
-[groans] -Stolas? [grunts]
What happened in there?
I have been banished.
You suck, Stolas.
-Hey! Fuck off, fuck-o. -No, it's fine, Blitzo.
I'm okay.
You need a ride home.
I have no home now.
Everything I have is gone.
Look, come with me, all right?
Let's get you out of here. You'll need a place to stay.
[Millie] Yeah, let's not do that again.
[tires squeal]
[cheering]
Ah. Thank you, everyone, thank you.
Gracias. But okay, the-the throwing?
Not necessary. [chuckles] Okay? Thank you.
[hopeful music playing]
[Loona] Hey, um...
I'm so glad you're okay.
[quietly] I love you, Dad.
Here we go, here we go.
-[purring] -Here you are.
-Some nice agua. -[knock at door]
Oop! Try not to inhale the water.
Yeah, try not inhaling the water.
[raspy groan]
-Thank you, Blitzo. -Thank you, Stolas.
For saving my life.
Always.
[fireworks popping, whistling]
Hey, Stolas, I...
[chuckles softly]
[loud explosions]
[wistful music playing]
♪ ♪
[neighing]
[whip cracks] playing]