[Blitzo] Hello, hello, hello, Stolas.
You have-- Aah!
You haven't been answering my texts, and I sent you a bunch of funny shit.
So what gives?
I was hoping my lack of "ha ha"s
in response to the photos you sent
would be an indicator I didn't want to talk right now.
Oh, come on, Stolas, we just had a rough night.
Besides, you always want to hear from me.
[sighs] Blitzo, what is it you want?
I want to feel like I'm earning my way to Earth.
Okay? So get your tight-feathered ass out of that lawn chair
and into the bedroom so I can fuck it.
Wow.
Poetry.
I'm sure such a statement would have had me swooning by now.
Uh, I-- sh-- Yeah, sure that wa--
Okay, that was a shitty way for me to say it.
But you usually like it when I talk all dirty,
-and fucky, and shit. -[Stolas caws]
Come on, we don't do words.
We do sex.
As shocking as this might seem, Blitzo,
I don't think I'm in the mood to "do sex" with you.
In fact, I don't think I'm even in the mood to do words with you.
So how about you respect that?
Oh, come on, Stolas. You can't mean that.
You always love seeing this.
Seeing you right now is hard.
I don't want to feel worse than I already do.
It's bad enough I got an invite to this anti-Blitz-o party.
An honorary invite for being your freshest ex.
Anti-Blitz-o party?
Who the fuck's behind this?
Oh, it's entirely immature.
I'd never indulge this nonsense, it's silly.
Real silly. Real fucking classy.
Kind of them to invite me, though.
It might be rude not to make an appearance.
[Blitzo] Verosika?
Of course, that fucking bitch.
I will say, it's rather concerning
you have an entire party devoted to hating you, though, Blitzo.
Oh, please, everyone hates me for shitty reasons.
In the end, everyone's just bitter they couldn't tie this ass down.
I'm too much imp to simp.
You really think that's the reason?
Yes, sir, they couldn't handle that I moved on.
Oh, so you're used to being the one who crushes others' feelings, hmm?
If by...
[impersonating Stolas] "crushes others' feelings,"
[normal voice] you mean "ends shit before it gets serious," then bingo.
I'm doing everyone a favor because relationships are boring.
[squawks]
Oh, yes, very boring.
So what are you doing here, then?
[stammers] Waiting for you to realize
how good an angry fuck would be right now.
Get out.
Right now.
What?
I'm tired of this.
I'm uncomfortable with how you're speaking to me now.
Oh, come on, Stolas.
You can't tell me this isn't a fantasy of yours.
You want me to show your rich, princey ass what a real fucking is.
Stop it.
Ha! I'm right, aren't I?
You get off to getting plowed by people you look down on.
I don't look down on you!
How many times do I ha-- When have I ever?
You speak just like that vile Striker friend of yours.
The one who tried to kill me and you couldn't be bothered to come help me.
Remember him?
Hey, look, I do not sound like-- I--
And I didn't know he was capable--
I-I stopped him the first time, didn't I? -[Stolas chirps]
The first time?
Yeah, the-- Oh. Oops.
I-- uh-- no-- Who said that? I--
You knew someone was trying to assassinate me?
I-I stopped him.
And I-I really didn't think you could actually get hurt.
You're immortal and shit.
You're a fucking prince.
If me and my team could kick that guy's ass that easily,
then I'm sure you'd have no problem.
I suppose you are right, silly me.
It's not an imp's place to protect a Goetia, is it?
And there it is.
Took you long enough.
That's all you were waiting for, wasn't it?
For me to play into this idea you have of me
that I'm this prince who thinks he's so much better than you.
Well, I don't.
Why would I allow everyone to see how much I like you?
How I've tried so fucking hard to spend time with you, to support you?
You don't owe me those things, but you can't just ignore all that.
You know, Stolas,
I've spent the entirety of this morning listening to love ballads.
And that was still the...
gayest thing I've heard all day!
Do you feel any kind of remorse for what you do?
Have you ever even apologized once in your life?
Oh, you think I can't apologize?!
[sniffles]
For what? You want me to be like, "Oh, sorry,
this entire time I assumed the worst because I was convinced a prince
could never love someone like me and I've let my self-hatred
stop me from apologizing to anyone I could ever care about."
[chirps]
Well, yes. That.
Well, fuck you.
I can sorry the fuck out of people.
Just you watch.
I sorried Fizz so hard he cried.
And I can sorry more people.
Everyone but you.
-Cause I don't owe you dick. -[door slams]
Everyone but you.
[pensive music playing]
I can totally apologize to the people I've fucked with.
I mean, how many could there possibly be?
Yes?
Oh.
It's you.
Hey, Martha.
Look, I know we killed you in the past, but I just wanted to say
no hard feelings and offer this.
[lighthearted music playing]
Yeah, that's fucking right.
[whooshing]
[upbeat music playing]
[squeaking]
[crowd applauding]
[alarm blaring]
[grunts]
All right, and now onto the exes.
Who are all in one place.
[sighs] Yay.
[thrilling music playing]
Hey, buddy, you know where 666 South Maple Avenue might be?
Down that way, demon dude.
Sick costume, bruh.
Hey, happy Halloween.
Oh, looks like you missed some makeup there.
Thanks. It's my face.
-[engine revs] -[tires screech]
-[lively chatter] -[clamoring]
[party music playing]
-[screaming] -[glass shatters]
The one day a year the spirits can rise amongst the living,
and it's spent celebrating mutual pettiness.
Uh, what?
Oh, nothing. [chuckling]
I was talking to myself.
Cool, man, I wish I was you.
[mellow dance music playing]
Hello, freshest ex.
Stolas!
How're you doing, baby?
You holding up okay?
Oh, I'm fine.
I felt it rude not to stop by.
I don't get invited out much, but I really shouldn't stay long.
Well, I'm glad you could make it, honey.
Well, this certainly beats the last Earth party I attended on Hallows Eve.
All hail the demon prince, Stolas.
I was told there would be cake?
[all chanting] All hail! All hail!
♪ ♪
Speaking of cake,
you want to slice it?
[Stolas] Oh!
I like to start at the neck.
-Or the dick. -[Stolas groans]
You're right.
Nobody wants his dick anyway.
[Verosika grunting]
I-I think I'm content without slicing any of it.
Well, live it up, baby, you are with friends here.
Fuck Blitz-o in the fucking ass!
[crowd cheering]
[Verosika shrieks, laughs]
[menacing music playing]
Wow, have I fucked this many people?
Christ on a stick, I should start keeping count.
[indistinct chatter]
Sorry for the comment I made at your sister's wedding.
Though she did deserve it. She's a whore.
Sorry for fucking your mom, though I thought it was your dad.
[dishes clattering]
Hey.
He did it.
Way to go, Dennis.
You fucking suck.
Yeah, you suck, Dennis.
[mellow dance music playing]
[cheering]
[laughing maniacally]
-[Verosika] Now it's time to hear... -Oh, shit.
...from the special new guest of honor of the night,
Stolas.
Get up here, and say a few words.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
No, no, I'm not really, um... [chuckles]
Uh, I really shouldn't, I--
[Verosika] Tell us all about your experience with Blitz-o.
That cock-sucking motherfucker!
Come on, baby, speak from your heart.
We all here know how you feel.
Um. Oh. [chuckles] Um...
[microphone feedback reverberates]
-[♪ "All 2 U (Motherf*cker)" playing] -♪ I let you get too close ♪
♪ I let it go too far ♪
♪ Now I know, now I know, now I know exactly ♪
♪ what you are ♪
[singers vocalizing]
♪ A motherfucker ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ A motherfucker ♪
♪ I don't think you meant to hurt me ♪
♪ 'cause I don't think it meant a thing at all ♪
♪ at all, at all, at all ♪
-♪ at all ♪ -♪ at all, at all, at all ♪
[Stolas] ♪ at all, at all ♪
♪ to you ♪
[singers vocalizing]
♪ The motherfucker ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ The motherfucker ♪
♪ I let it go too long ♪
♪ I let you go too deep ♪
♪ Now I know, now I know, now I know there's ♪
♪ one thing I can't keep but ♪
♪ I, I keep on waiting ♪
♪ waiting to want you less than I do ♪
♪ And I do, oh I do, yes, I still do ♪
♪ want you ♪
♪ But maybe it's all on me ♪
♪ for missing every sign and every glance and ♪
♪ every turn ♪
♪ No, no, no, he's a motherfucker ♪
♪ Maybe there's something here ♪
♪ for us to glean, for you to teach ♪
♪ and me to try to learn ♪
♪ No, no, no, he's a motherfucker ♪
♪ 'Cause, darlin', you're the thief ♪
♪ but you were mine to earn ♪
♪ What if I came on too strong? ♪
♪ What if I read this all wrong? ♪
♪ What if we just don't belong? ♪
♪ All this what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if ♪
♪ why, why, why, why, why, why, makes me burn ♪
♪ Oh, I don't think you meant to hurt me ♪
♪ 'cause I don't think it meant a thing at all ♪
-♪ Well, did it? ♪ -♪ No, not at all ♪
-♪ Didn't mean a goddamn thing ♪ -♪ Not a goddamn thing ♪
♪ at all, at all, at all ♪
♪ Didn't mean a, didn't mean a ♪
♪ at all, at all, at all ♪
♪ Didn't mean a, didn't mean a ♪
♪ at all, at all ♪
♪ to you ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ The motherfucker ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ The motherfucker ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ The motherfucker ♪♪
Thank you for your time.
[crowd cheering]
[Verosika] Alrighty, bitches!
Let's get wild.
[sighs]
[rock music playing]
[glugging]
Hey.
[coughing]
Blitzo, what are you doing here?
You're lucky everyone is drunk or you would be murdered right now.
Ah, no, it's good. I'm in a disguise.
-♪ ♪ -[indistinct chatter]
Wow.
I've never seen you throw 'em back like this.
Came just to judge me, is that it?
No, I just--
This was the final stop on the apology tour I've been on today.
[sighs] Oh, yes.
I recall.
Everyone but me is getting your cheap apologies tonight, hmm?
Well, you certainly have your work cut out for you.
Look, how I acted this morning…
it was fucked, okay?
This morning?
[groans] Why did you show up there?
Why'd you show up here?
You already asked that, but, look, I-I just really need to…
to talk to you, to-to explain.
-Oh? -[sighs] I've always been
real shit at sorries, okay?
They're for pussies and no one fucking deserves them anyway,
but I... felt like...
maybe you actually needed one.
Oh, lucky me!
Oh, shit. Okay, what I mean is,
I said sorry a lot today and, honestly,
didn't really mean any of it.
Because the only one I wanted to say it to...
was you, Stols.
I just... this whole thing we had going.
I-I mean, you're a fucking prince.
How could you ever actually care for an imp?
Me.
How could anybody?
Blitzo.
There is a crowd full of people here
who cared so much,
they throw an entire fucking party
about hating you, every year.
Do you know how much you have to care to do something as stupid as that?
Stolas, you are better off without me, okay?
You deserve so mu--
I don't even know why you would want to be with me.
You want to know what I want?
I want to know what it's like
to not be alone.
I want to be someone's someone.
I want to feel wanted.
But like, in a romantic way, like I'm standing out in the rain
at a train station and someone is shouting,
"Harriet, don't get on that train,
it's going to London and I cannot be without you."
Oh, Stolas, that's a rom-com.
[Stolas] Oh, fuck you.
The point is, I just…
want someone to care if I stay or go.
I want someone to want me.
To want to see me. To hold me.
Look at me and think: "Well, you're the only one I want.
I desire to hold you and talk to you,
never let you feel so…"
-[♪ "Handle Me" playing] -♪ Don't touch the pretty things...
You. Why are you here?
I don't want you here. Go home, please.
Let me not feel so sad.
[Stolas sobbing]
-♪ Don't touch the pretty things ♪ -♪ You still can't ♪
[deep breath]
♪ You couldn't handle me ♪
-♪ Don't touch the pretty things ♪ -♪ You still can't...
- Hey. -Oh, heh. Hello.
Great song earlier.
You have great pipes.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he sings fantastic.
We're talking here.
Well, I just wanted to see if, maybe,
I don't know,
you'd want to dance?
You want to dance…
with me?
Yeah. [chuckles softly]
[soft music playing]
Okay.
[crowd cheering]
[Stolas giggling]
[crowd clamoring]
Hey, Ver.
So, an apology tour, huh?
You got a lot of balls coming here, Blitz-o.
Yeah, I know, everyone here hates me.
Yep, that's the point, dumbass.
-So, what, you're waiting for your sorry? -Oh.
Fuck you, you little prick.
Well, I'm sorry for always telling it like it is, sister.
What? I'm just being honest.
I'm sorry for dumping you.
Sorry for not falling head over heels for you,
or that guy, or fucking Dennis, or...
or anyone at this stupid fucking party!
Oh, you are so fucking shitty.
Do you hear yourself?
Everyone's shitty.
Hello? We live in Hell.
Why am I all of a sudden the bad guy
just for sucking at relationships?
Are you expecting sympathy?
[baby voice] Aw, poor "Bwitzo,"
fina-wy having to own that his actions
affect other people's fee-fees.
[regular voice] Bitch, please.
How do you think I felt?
When the fun guy I was dating decided
to just bail on me because I made the shitty mistake
of saying I love-- [grunts]
It was the most embarrassing feeling.
To be vulnerable for once and...
You really just... know how to send a message
in the shittiest fucking way.
The worst part is you still make me feel
like a bad person for being angry at you now.
But hosting this party for everyone else you've dicked over?
At least I can help others cope with the shit you did.
[imp crying]
What?
No snarky comeback?
No.
You're right.
I actually am, you know...
sorry.
I-I don't want to be this way.
Not forever.
[chuckles] Looks like Stolas is having a good time.
[Blitzo] Yeah, well he needs it.
[Stolas laughing]
[grunts]
[moaning]
Oh, a really good time.
Oh, that bird-stealing cock bag!
-[growling] -Hold it, Blitzo.
You know, if you want to change,
it just starts with saying:
"Good for him, hope he gets laid."
[chuckles] Here, have some cake, fuckwad.
[pulsing music playing]
-[♪ "Over You" playing] -♪ Ever since you went away ♪
♪ I've been haunted ♪
♪ Haunted ♪
♪ I always get whatever I want ♪
♪ and I wanted, I wanted you ♪
♪ So now I'm drawing circles in the sand ♪
♪ trying to understand ♪
♪ how you do the things you do ♪
♪ Baby, I'm not over it ♪
♪ but I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm over you, you, you ♪
♪ Baby, I'm not over it ♪
♪ but I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm over you, you, you ♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
[radio clicks on]
♪ Sometimes it still hurts a bit ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm so full of shit ♪
♪ But this much is true…
[car horn blaring]
♪ Baby, I'm not over it ♪
♪ I'm over you, I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm over you, I'm over you, I'm over you, I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm over you, I'm over you, I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm over you, I'm over you ♪
♪ I thought that I could stomp you out ♪
♪ like a fire ♪
♪ like a flame ♪
♪ It's done, but now I'm covered in ashes ♪
♪ and I still feel the same ♪
♪ I guess if I get rid of every sign ♪
♪ of what we ever did ♪
♪ there'd be no one left ♪
♪ to blame ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Baby, I'm not over it ♪
♪ I'm over you, I'm over you ♪
♪ Yeah, I try to look ahead, sometimes I look back instead ♪
♪ Think I always knew, oh ♪
♪ Baby, I'll get over it ♪
♪ I got over you ♪
♪ I got over you, I got over you ♪
♪ I got over you, I got over you ♪♪
[neighing]
[whip cracks] you, I got over you ♪♪