[quirky music playing]
♪ Thank you to the butterflies in my stomach ♪
♪ I haven't felt this nervous ♪
♪ since I was a little fluffy down nesting ♪
♪ My derring-do is half disguised ♪
♪ Behind the smile, my beak is grinding ♪
♪ Ever minding I swore I wouldn't dwell on the divorce ♪
♪ So for my own health ♪
♪ I'll remind myself ♪
♪ that when I see him ♪
♪ I know that it won't feel so tough ♪
♪ I'll believe him ♪
♪ and not the voice that says I'm not enough ♪
♪ No need for an arrangement ♪
♪ It can just be him and me ♪
♪ I'll set us free ♪
♪ How perfect it could be ♪
♪ when I see him tonight ♪
♪ See him tonight? All right, all right ♪
♪ It's been a while since he's begged for attention ♪
♪ Are we okay? Heh, can't really say ♪
♪ I'm getting by, by avoiding his questions ♪
♪ So complicated, I hate when it's complicated ♪
♪ Why do I always end up in situations that are complicated? ♪
♪ Here I go again, getting in my head ♪
♪ So I'll focus on the sexy stuff instead ♪
♪ When I see him ♪
♪ When I see him, I'm gonna do that thing he likes ♪
-♪ I will change things ♪ -♪ No need to change things ♪
♪ I'll just bring the rope and spikes ♪
-Oh, God! -♪ We've got a nice arrangement ♪
♪ and it's working out just fine ♪
♪ We'll keep it light ♪
♪ I'll fucking die alone if this goes bad ♪
[both] ♪ When I see him tonight ♪
♪ Am I doing something ♪
-♪ I can't take back? ♪ -♪ Relax ♪
-♪ Would he want me if he was free? ♪ -♪ We're fine ♪
♪ And if he's only here as a prisoner ♪
♪ what kind of monster does that make me? ♪
♪ My entire life's been ♪
-♪ written in stone ♪ -♪ We're gonna bone ♪
-♪ He taught me that I could choose ♪ -♪ It's cool ♪
♪ He deserves the choice to stay or go ♪
♪ Though it scares me to think what I'd lose ♪
♪ Can't wait to lose ourselves in nasty sex ♪
♪ and make that bird squawk ♪
♪ I really must confess ♪
♪ We'll just stick with what makes sense ♪
♪ Like him sucking my-- ♪
♪ God, this is the worst ♪
♪ Waiting for the shoe to drop ♪
♪ Who needs words when you've got a mouthful of-- ♪
♪ Come to your senses ♪
♪ Then I'll do that thing with my tongue where I-- ♪
♪ He's worthy of your love and trust ♪
♪ I'll eat his bird puss nice and rough ♪
-♪ Tonight cannot come soon-- ♪ -♪ He'll be coming soon-- ♪
[both] ♪ enough ♪
Oh, yeah!
[Stolas] ♪ But when I see him ♪
♪ will it be tender or be tough? ♪
♪ Will it please him ♪
♪ or will I just be fucking it all up? ♪
♪ Can this be a relationship ♪
♪ or am I still naive? ♪
♪ I'll set us free ♪
♪ whatever it may be ♪
♪ when I see him ♪
♪ tonight ♪♪
[wheels squeaking]
[Keenie] My baby! Someone save my baby!
[cars honking]
Sure hope this glass doesn't break.
It broke!
[ominous music playing]
[baby crying]
[Keenie] Oh, thank you, thank you!
How could I ever repay you?
No need, ma'am.
I was just in the right place at the right time.
[gasping] Did you have to
hug him so hard? I'm at underwear level, you know.
And that guy clearly hadn't showered today.
Oh, stop complaining. I had to sell it, didn't I?
How'd we do, Cletus?
Not great. Let's set up for another run.
I don't know, Cletus. Doesn't this all seem a little…
...sinful?
We've been over this.
We are still helping people.
We just provided that man with an opportunity
to be selfless and heroic.
After that performance, he's sure to get into Heaven.
We just saved a soul.
Is… that how it works?
Don't you think eternal salvation
is worth 20 bucks and a "Queeznos" punch card?
I... I guess.
-It's just… -You want to eat, don't you?
Want to live long enough to save more souls
-and earn our way back into Heaven? -[Collin] Of course.
-I just-- -Well, then quiet your incessant whinging
and get back under that coat!
-[muffled shot] -We have to-- Whoa!
Oh...
[both exclaim]
What? Where are we?
We ask the questions here,
hell spawn.
But I'm just a "wittle" baby.
Why would you--
Drop the bullshit.
We know you're working for that demon filth.
-Where's your boss? -What boss?
This guy.
You know that… peanut head?
So that's his name.
You know, I think
maybe we can help each other out here.
Sharp shooting there, Mox. Pro as usual.
Millie, beautiful bloody mess in there. Mwah!
What a great fucking day this is.
[dripping]
You sure seem in good spirits today, sir.
It's rare to see you wear something... not bad.
Well, it's the-- First of all, fuck you.
It's the full moon, I got to meet up with Stolas tonight.
Felt like dressing up a little since it's been a few months
since I've been inside of his feathered ass.
A few months?
Yeah, the bird started giving me more ways out of our monthly fuck sesh.
He'd be all like,
[imitating Stolas] "Oh, Blitzy, I know it's the full moon tonight,
"but you don't have to come if you don't want to, Blitzy."
[normal voice] So I've just been taking breaks
from having to plow his feathered ass into his fancy-ass mattress.
Ugh. TMI, sir.
Point being, tonight, I feel like I could use a little fuckery.
It's been a good day, feeling like my stamina's up.
And I'm horny.
Oh, shit. He's getting bored of you.
What?
Yeah, man. If someone wants to see you less and less,
big red flag.
If they give you chances to ditch, they probably want out, themselves.
Just want to be more passive-aggressive about it. Dicks.
[mockingly] "Wanna be more passive-aggressive--"
How do you know, Loona?
[phone ringing]
[Loona] 'Cause I do that all the time.
Well, tits.
Guess I finally got to do position 37 tonight.
Don't worry, though, this book ain't going nowhere
if I have anything to fuck about it.
I'll dick him so good he'll let us keep this thing another year, easy.
Well, I hope so, sir.
Business has actually hit a peak,
and it would be disastrous to lose what we worked for now.
So, fuck him good, sir.
Don't worry, Mox. By the end of the night,
I'll have Stolas eating out of my ass.
If the gag'll let him. Eh? Eh?
-[laughing] -Stop.
[Blitzo laughs, inhales deeply]
Okay, grow up, Mox. It's what adults do, we're horny.
F... Fuck me, Moxxie.
We've used, like, all the shit in this box. I--
-If Stolas is bored after this, I… -[whinnies]
I need to up the ante. Moxxie, I need you to hold down the fort.
Get some overdue paperwork done.
What overdue paperwork?
So why would a bunch of angels be working for demons?
-We just want to get back into-- -We're exorcists.
The flaming swords of the Heavens,
here to strike them down with fiery vengeance.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We lay in wait for them to return to Earth,
so we might smite them once and for all!
What are you guys talking abou--
Ow!
-Maybe you don't have to wait. -Come with us.
[intriguing music playing]
[mechanical whirring]
Since their assault on Compound X,
our government has quadrupled our funding,
and allowed us unfettered access
to the most bleeding-edge military advancements.
Demonic containment cells.
Hellfire suppression suits.
Camouflage exoskeletons.
And a battalion of highly-trained combat priests.
All so we could finally utilize…
this.
[Cletus] What is it?
Our ticket to the other side.
[Agent One] An extradimensional portal generator.
This bad boy will allow us to open a door straight into Hell,
where we plan on eliminating the demonic threat
before they can tarnish this great country.
[distorted screaming]
Well, uh, once we work out all the kinks, yeah.
Kinks?
So far, we've only been able to open the portal about two feet in diameter.
Hardly big enough to fit a child through.
And we can't very well send children.
Not after last time.
-Charge! -Charge!
[children screaming]
Those goddamn American heroes.
Honestly, we're not even sure that was Hell we sent them to.
Point is, we could use someone--
or someones-- with more experience.
How about it, little guys?
[agents] Want to help us hunt some demon scum?
-Fuck yeah! -Fuck yeah!
[Cletus laughing]
[exciting music playing]
♪ ♪
Welcome, little one.
What can I interest you in today?
I'm looking for a snazzy candle.
One that screams "sexy."
You got anything that'll get anyone in the mood, buddy?
Bitch, you're in the Lust Ring.
Everything here has sexy energy.
But what kind of mood are you aiming for?
Just… horny?
Hor-- Reg-- V-Very-- Very horny. Max horny.
They're all horny! What's the mood?
I don't know. I'm a simple pervert imp.
I just need something fucky.
[Cletus] Oh, there he is!
-[Keenie] Let's take him. -[Cletus] Hold on.
Where's the rest of them?
He wasn't alone before.
I say we follow him for a bit,
make sure he's by himself.
Cletus, if we don't do this, we're never getting back into Heaven.
Which is why we have to make sure
this goes smoothly.
We have only one shot.
It has to be perfect.
Do you know the measurements of the other one?
Eh, not really, but he's tall as shit.
Well, we have some pretty long harnesses.
Also, can't go wrong with something that stretches.
Ooh, that is fancy. All right, I'm into it.
[techno music playing on speakers]
Sweet Heavens, what kind of store is this?
This guy truly is a sicko!
[Spider] Can I help you all?
[screaming]
Hello, fellow vile hell-beast.
We are on a totally normal demon day.
Just out looking to get some good tormenting in.
We need some good tor--
[gags] torture supplies.
Well, you have come to the right place, my slightly robotic-looking friend.
What kind of torturing are we looking to do?
Oh, you know, just your standard… pain.
As long as it doesn't hurt too much.
Like, do you have any
harshly-worded bumper stickers?
-Uh... -Or something for a mild spanking?
Oh. That we have in spades.
We got your floggers, your crops, your whips, your whisks,
studded, un-studded, wooden, leather, titanium, brimstone.
What are you into?
I don't know if that's exactly what we're looking for.
What was that other horrid hell spawn looking at?
Oh, just some of those.
Cletus, he's clearly on his way to claim another innocent earthly soul
in some sick barbaric fashion.
We have to stop him!
Not yet. We have to wait for our moment.
You know, thanks for doing me this solid, Fizz.
I got to get the good shit for tonight
and I know you and Oz make the best toys in town.
I got you, buddy.
We have some new prototypes that I think will get the job done
for a fancy gentleman like yourself.
[jaunty music playing]
Now, we have got these new beads. Ooh.
They're made of real obsidian.
Oh, it's beautiful, but, you know, Stolas never really seemed into the beads.
All righty, not into the beads, I get it. Fancier, then.
We have some stylish blindfolds.
Our new collection has encrusted jewels.
Oh, shit, those are nice.
And if you're feeling really frisky,
we have the new Dragon Driller 5000.
Now with vibration.
-[engine revving] -[laughing]
There we go. That's his speed.
I will take that.
[inquisitive music playing]
Heavens, what is this place?
It's so heavily guarded.
A-Armory? A war room?
Quiet! Don't you realize stealth is our greatest advantage here?
Oh, darling, look-- voyeurs.
Positively adorable, darling.
[Collin] I think he's coming into-- Oh, God, what's that?!
Dear God...
[Keenie] He's gonna use that?! On an innocent person?!
-We have to stop him now! -You're right.
Okay, guys, it's time. Now's our moment.
Remember everything that horny little fudge knuckle did to us
because now we make him pay.
For the humans, for the Heavens,
and most of all, for us,
let's go kick some ass!
Let's fuck 'em up!
What? How did you-- Oh!
Find you? We were already following our dumbass boss
to make sure he doesn't fuck up and lose our meal ticket.
-[gunfire] -[grunts]
And you weren't exactly covert.
[Loona] You got a lot of nerve coming to our neighborhood
after the ass-kicking you took last time.
A lot of nerve and a lot of upgrades, mutt.
The boss! Get their boss!
[rousing music playing]
[Loona] No, you don't, bitch.
Hey. Wake up, asshole.
[grunting]
[growling]
[gun cocks]
-[grunts] -[gunfire]
[grunting]
Sorry, hon, you can play as me,
but that don't mean you're anywhere close.
[grunts]
Aah!
[growls]
Mox!
Welcome to Hell, bitch.
[screaming]
[groans] Wait. Wait.
Aah!
[grunting]
[Moxxie screams]
[Cletus] Why, God?!
[yelps]
[screaming]
[both moaning]
[groaning]
[shrieks]
[all groaning]
So, how'd it go?
[heartfelt music playing]
Hidey-ha-hoo-ha, Stolas.
Guess what I got for us.
I got lots of fun shit
for us to play with tonight.
Like this extra-large candle that smells like...
[sniffs]
horny!
I got... I got, w-whatever, uh, this little guy is.
But I'm sure there's someplace in your cloaca we can stick it.
And look at this bad boy.
-[grunts] -[squelches]
-[engine revving] -[maniacal laughter]
Do you... [clears throat]
Do you have my book, Blitzo?
-Yeah, uh... Yeah. Yeah, I-- -[engine stops]
It's right here, I always bring it. Why do you…?
I need it back. Permanently.
N-N-Now, h-hold on, Stolas, come on.
Is this because I've taken up skipping a few rounds
with you in bed because I'm busy? That ain't fair.
All right, I-I-I can still hold up my end of the bargain.
All right? L-let me show you a good time tonight.
You know I can.
Please don't say it like that, Blitzo, I--
Come on, bitch. You know I don't disappoint.
No, no, no. No. There's no need.
-I've made up my mind. -Stolas, please, don't--
I-I need this book. Please.
I need this book, Stolas.
I will do anything.
This... is an Asmodean crystal.
It's registered in your name.
A what?
Asmodeus has his demons
legally travel to Earth for work all the time.
I made the case for you to own one.
You will be technically under his jurisdiction,
but you will be able to go anywhere you want in the human realm
without fear of consequence.
Without breaking demon law.
You no longer need my grimoire.
What?
You… no longer have any obligation to see me,
to touch me… to bed me.
You are--
-you are free of me. -I… don't understand.
Why are you giving me this?
Am I not, like, fucking you good enough?
Because I-I can always-- I can always do better.
Blitzo, I'm giving you this because
I care...
very deeply for you.
And I have for some time.
But this transactional thing we have--
it's not right anymore, it hasn't been.
It never was.
And now all I can see is how wrong it is
to be so tethered to someone
in such an unfair way
and not know how they feel.
But I want you to continue
to be who you are.
Your business.
You don't have to stay here with me.
But I want you to.
I want you to stay here with me…
because you want to.
Only if you want to.
Okay, all right, you're fucking with me.
This is an interesting role-play.
Never done this one, but I can get into it.
All right, how does this-- Okay.
Oh, Stolas. I'll stay with you.
I love you so much. I--
Thank you, Blitzo.
For… awakening me.
For making me… so happy.
Even if only for a little while.
-I wish you the best with your business. -Wait, what?
You were serious?
[chuckles] Hold on now, Stolas. What the fuck?
I have my answer, Blitzo.
You needn't say anything.
I have wanted you for so long,
the fact that you couldn't believe that I might have these feelings about you,
that your first instinct is that it's always…
about sex...
-...that's enough to know what this is. -What?!
Fuck you, Stolas!
You spring this feelings bullshit on me,
are you fucking kidding?!
Can I get a fucking minute to think
after everything you put me through,
you pompous, rich asshole!
Treat me like one of your little butler imps!
You can't just dismiss me like that.
I mean, you royal fucks
think you can do this every time.
Like, you can just play with our feelings because we're smaller
and not as important!
Well, I'm not letting you, bitch!
Let's go!
Blitzo, I think so very highly of you.
[crying]
I didn't realize you think so low of me.
[sniffles]
Goodbye, Blitzo.
Stolas, wait! I'm s-s--
What...
the…
fuck?!
[neighing]
[whip cracks] I'm s-s--