[spooky music playing]
[Agent One] Right there.
This was the first sighting.
[Agent Two] They are definitely from Hell.
They must use this dark magic to cross over into our world.
And they seem to be killing specifically targeted people, but why?
They always attack at random, all over the country.
There's no way to predict where they'll show up next.
-[crashing] -[cat meows]
[clattering]
Ah, well, that's convenient.
Shh. Remember, we can't be seen.
[cans rattling]
Pardon my words, sir,
but you're currently being the loudest.
I said shush your dick-sucking lips, Moxxie.
[magical whoosh]
Get down!
Loona! Close it!
Wait, no!
[silenced shots]
[speaking gibberish]
Moxxie! [grunting]
I smell... [sniffs]
...colors.
Back off, you tuxedo-wearing fucks!
[weapons powering up]
[electricity zapping]
[laughs]
I'd like to see the suits at corporate calling us losers now.
That was pretty badass.
Super badass.
[snarling]
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit. [screams]
-You, uh... -Shit!
You okay there?
What are you doing sitting there?
The boys are in trouble.
Open it again.
Blitz was using a total of zero euphemisms, innuendos or swears.
That means it was serious. Which means I don't open it until--
Open the fucking portal now!
[exciting rock music playing]
[wolves howling]
They aren't here.
[sniffing]
It smells like they went this way.
Come on, let's find the dumbass twins.
[uneasy music playing]
[grunts weakly]
Huh?
[Agent Two] Finally awake, huh?
Little fella? Your partner has been for a while now.
Look, shitbag, it takes a lot to keep me down, all right?
I took a fuck ton of tranquilizers in the college I dropped out of.
Also, I've been strapped nipple-first to a car battery, so I--
Oh, okay.
Tell us, demon scum, who do you work for? Satan?
How did you get to our world from the afterlife?
Why are yous killing humans?
When did you show up here?
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, bitch.
First of all, we just woke up from a very nasty shock,
and I'm still feeling fucking woozy,
so I'm gonna request you fetch us some coffee before we get into this.
I mean, everyone gets coffee in shitty movies with scenes like this, am I right?
I want something iced, bitch.
-Mox? -I'll have a Neapolitan cappuccino,
more cappa than chino,
make sure it's got no more than four ounces of milk,
the beans won't have the right texture otherwise.
And make sure they spell my name correctly on the cup.
They always put Foxy or Roxy. I hate that.
If you can't handle that, I'll have a venti traditional misto.
Please use soy milk with two blonde shots,
affogato and ristretto.
I'd also love three vanilla pumps at the very bottom,
then add the coffee after, then a--
Enough! We aren't getting yous coffee!
Wow. I was getting massive douche chills just there, Mox, congrats.
If we have to, we are willing to resort to torture methods
to get answers out of you nasty hell-beasts.
When you say torture, do you mean physical or psychological?
Physical seems counterproductive. We would likely tell you anything
if it meant an end to the pain.
And you would have no way of knowing what was true.
Or we might like it too much.
And then you've got a whole new thing to deal with.
What do you mean by that?
Ah, you're stupid, huh?
I could work with stupid. Daddy likey dummy.
[sputters]
[cackling]
Good one, sir. "Daddy likey."
-You better stop laughing at us. -Yeah!
You are the ones at our mercy.
It's hard to resist, I'm really sorry.
I mean, considering your approach thus far,
you've had us tied here for, what, hours?
And you haven't even had us confirm what exactly we are.
-What are you? -I'm a Virgo.
-Ha! -Oh, a smart guy, huh?
One more quip out of you and we'll shut you up.
Ooh, getting kinky.
What?! We aren't playing any of your vile demon kinks.
I mean, that's what it sounded like back there, you sickos.
Please don't give them ideas, sir.
Why not? I know the shit you're into.
Stop! We are not getting kinky with yous!
Calm down, One. Don't let these monsters get to you.
Hey, aren't we gonna get our phone call, bitch?
Well, that entirely depends.
Who are you gonna call? Hmm?
Your fat mom, thanking her for a fat time.
Nice try, demon.
His fat mom is dead!
[siren blaring]
-This where they ended up? -[Loona] I think so.
Fuck, this looks intense.
How are we gonna get in?
Lift me up to that vent.
[exciting music playing]
[shoes squeaking]
-[spits] -[alarm ringing]
♪ ♪
[neck crunches]
[bell rings]
-Throw me! -[grunts]
[screaming and slicing]
Damn. You're pretty agile for an old lady.
I'm, like, five years older than you.
[Agent One] Stop insulting my mother!
-She's dead! -Hey, hey, let's just leave them here
until they feel like talking.
[chair creaking]
[sighs] Don't worry, Mox.
If we keep being obnoxious, they'll eventually slip up
and we'll get a chance to get out.
Let's just keep fucking with them until they get so frustrated...
[over speaker] ...they stop thinking clearly.
It usually works.
[Agent One] Hmm.
So the demons want to play games, huh?
Well, we can play games.
-[chuckling] -[beeps]
[Agent Two] Yeah...
I'm just worried about Millie.
She'll be on her way by now, I'm sure.
Ugh, she'll be fine, Moxxie.
It would take a roided-up hippo to take down that woman when she's upset.
We've never dealt with the human government before.
She's in danger.
Do you ever honestly shut up about Millie? It's always,
[mocking] "Oh, how's Millie?"
"I can't tonight, I'm hanging with Millie."
"I'm so worried about Millie."
And she's always five fucking feet away from you!
-It's pathetic. -[gas hissing]
-That… was oddly personal. -Yeah, you're right.
I don't know why the fuck I just let my guts spill like that.
[hissing]
Sir, they're filling this room with something.
Fuck. [sniffs] What the hell is this?
I think it's some kind of airborne truth-telling serum.
Oh, you just guessed that's what it is?
Well, uh, just ask me something specific I wouldn't normally tell you.
Okay, um, does Millie ever peg you?
Sometimes. Wait!
Ew! Fuck! Why that?
Ha! I knew it.
Well, your suit is tacky.
-Fuck, I'm sorry. -[gasps]
How fucking dare you?!
You have shitty taste in music!
Ah, I'm sorry.
Shit taste?
You said you liked that musical I recommended to you.
I lied. I left halfway through.
You-- you said you loved it.
It was awful, Moxxie. It was about ugly, horny cats.
-[sobbing] -Oh, God, Moxxie!
I've said so many lies to you.
[laughs] This is gonna be a good night.
-[Moxxie sobbing] -[gas hissing]
[coughing]
[eerie music playing]
Damn it, Moxxie, this is all your fault!
-How is this my fault?! -[magical twinkling]
[haunting organ music playing]
Blitz? [coughs]
I-I can't see you. God, this smells awful.
What's that music?
Is that you? Is this a prank?
Because I swear to Satan--
[Blitzo in grand voice] It is no prank, bitch.
Hey...
Why do you sound like that?
Because you, my precious little bitch boy...
Stop it, sir.
[echoing] ...are tripping balls.
♪ No, what? ♪
♪ How could this be? ♪
♪ I've never tried acid, shrooms or DMT ♪
♪ It's a bad trip, oy gevalt! ♪
♪ Of course, Blitz, this would be your fault ♪
♪ My lungs are full of honesty ♪
♪ Would you promise me that you won't judge? ♪
♪ Yes, bitch ♪
[Moxxie] ♪ Not trying to divulge too much ♪
♪ But I'm in too deep ♪
♪ So first of all ♪
-♪ Fuck you! ♪ -♪ What? ♪
♪ This is just typical ♪
♪ Well, two can play at this game of dismay ♪
♪ 'Cause if you're here causing frustration ♪
♪ I'm torturing you in your hallucination...
[psychedelic rock music playing]
[shrieks]
[monster shrieks]
♪ ♪
[old-timey voice] I simply follow your orders.
It isn't my fault if your orders are as nonsensical
as a suntanning bed left out
on the cold, rainy porch in a fresh April shower.
Okay, why are you talking like that? What the fuck does that even mean?
I am simply speaking Satan's plain English.
Perhaps you should crack open a dictionary sometime.
And then maybe you can understand
half of the frivolous things I carry on and on about...
♪ ♪
Shut up!
♪ Why do you hurt me so? ♪
♪ I know ♪
-♪ Why must you push your friends away? ♪ -♪ I push my friends away ♪
[Moxxie] ♪ Why does it seem like a recurring theme ♪
♪ That you alienate with your toxic routine? ♪
♪ I don't know, eventually everyone goes ♪
♪ 'Cause you're thoughtless and cruel and you'll end up alone...
[old-timey voice] Admit it, my dear boss,
you don't know what you're doing half the time.
And you depend on me and the missus to manage your foolish flights of fancy.
I don't need you.
I could do this shit on my own, so easily!
[Blitzo as Striker] But you don't want to do things alone, Blitzo.
[Blitzo as Robo Fizz] You tried the solo act. It didn't work out so well.
[cackling]
[Blitzo as Verosika] Yet you still shove away anyone who gets too close
until they resent you for being a selfish shit, you shit-fuck.
♪ ♪
[Stolas] Are you afraid to love people, Blitzy?
[Moxxie] I believe your subconscious is trying to tell you
that you simply cannot fathom proper intimacy,
but also crave it as well.
It's rather unfortunate, sir.
Considering it's often how you treat those who stand by you, such as myself.
Are you worried I may have enough of it one day, as well?
Stop fucking talking, all of you!
[slurps]
♪ ♪
[female voice] You're going to die alone.
[Blitzo] You're going to die alone, Blitzo.
[overlapping voices and laughter]
[Striker] You're gonna die alone, Blitzo.
[Moxxie] You're gonna die alone, Blitzo.
♪ Why, Moxxie, why ♪
♪ Have you held your true feelings inside? ♪
♪ I am scared of rejection ♪
♪ Why, Moxxie, why ♪
♪ Do you have Millie put it in your butt? ♪
♪ It gives me an erection-- ♪
Hey!
♪ No need to hide ♪
♪ We accept your true feelings, so promise me ♪
♪ That I can do ♪
[both] ♪ To be true ♪
♪ The world is your anus, so peg it with honesty ♪
-Ugh. -♪ I've been a jackass, it's true ♪
[Moxxie] ♪ You've been a jackass, it's true ♪
♪ But soon as we're back as ourselves ♪
♪ I will be a better friend ♪
♪ Than I was before ♪
♪ Be better at speaking my mind ♪
♪ And...? ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We can begin ♪
♪ To become fine ♪♪
[intriguing music playing]
Try "1."
[camera whirring]
[gas hissing]
[Moxxie] Do you remember what you said to me
after my first day with the company?
Not really.
I remember.
You told me I did a good job,
and that you were proud to work with me.
I feel like you wanted to say something more judgmental, but…
you said that because I needed it.
And it helped.
Look, I'm hard on you because I know what you're capable of, Mox.
You care too much about what everyone thinks except for… me
because you know my opinion is correct,
but just… keep doing a good job, 'kay?
You shoot and kill good, you escape things easy.
You can be strategic and cold-blooded when you need to,
and don't expect any more compliments, I'm maxed out.
-Thank you, sir. -You know my name, use it.
-Thanks, Blitz. -[rumbling]
-There's my Millie! -Impressive work, Mils.
How'd you get here all by yourself?
Loony!
Get your asses out here before more fuckers show up!
[exciting music playing]
[alarm ringing]
♪ ♪
Okay, I've had one too many emotions for today.
Guys, let's fuck these fuckers up.
[growling]
[grunting]
[growling]
♪ ♪
Mox, cover me.
Yes, sir.
Eat! My! Ass!
[grunting]
[growls]
Die, motherfucker!
What?
I am just so damn proud of you, Loony. Mwah.
-Bye, sweetie. -[growls]
[Loona] Look out!
Hey, Mils.
Hey, Blitz. Just one sec.
[grunting]
Do you need a gun or anything?
Nah, I'm good.
[pained grunting]
How 'bout some water?
Sure.
-[neck crunches] -Thanks, Blitz.
No problamie, Millie Billie.
Now who wants some quality time with Daddy?
[grunts]
Fore!
-[screaming] -[exclaims]
Good God!
Why are we only using weapons from Japan's Edo period?
Hey! The Edo period was badass, and you know it!
-Damn it, you're right. -Look out!
[grunting]
Bitches!
Hey, Mox.
Oh, wow.
Really going for the dick there, ain't ya?
-No, I... -Here, I got it for you.
-[slicing] -[moaning]
Now hold this.
Oh, yeah!
Getting hard, holding this motherfucker!
[Blitzo laughing maniacally]
Oh, crumbs. Is everyone okay?
Whoo! How's that for demon scum?
[alarm blaring]
Oh, shit. Come on, fam, let's blow this cocksicle joint.
Hey!
-[rattling] -[locking]
-[buzzing] -[clicks]
Quick, the book.
Shit, I can't-- I can't read the spell in this light.
I can't see dick.
Well, shit. Looks like we milked this weapon tit dry
-and now we're out of badassery. -[growling]
Ha! You demons aren't going anywhere now! Ha!
[growling]
[deeper growling]
[static crackling]
[rattling]
[rapid crashing]
[Stolas] Who dares threaten
my impish little plaything?
Who said that?!
[ominous music playing]
[metal crashes]
Agent Two?
[horrifying music playing]
[shoes squeaking]
What's the matter, demon hunter?
Never seen a real demon before?
[cackling]
[neck crunches]
[distorted laughter]
-[laughter] -[birds cawing]
[roaring]
[wings flutter]
[doors unlocking and retracting]
[Blitzo] Stola? Wh--?
Hold on, how did you know that we needed help?
I have my ways, darling.
Are you all right?
Ugh. I'm fine, Stolas.
Mmm. Good.
How the fuck did you get caught by humans?
Are you little creatures not being careful up here?
You know, if you get in trouble, I get in trouble.
We don't want that.
They caught us off guard, Your Highness.
Yeah, you can unclench your bird puss, Stolas.
It's not gonna happen again, ‘kay?
Luckily for you, most don't believe the word
of the demon-obsessed lunatics.
They are seen as kooks. [titters]
"Kooks."
Such a silly word.
Now, let us all return.
Yes, please.
I'd like to get back to the correct hellhole as soon as possible.
Am I going to get any thank you for the rescue, Blitzy?
Well, I suppose you should.
Want me to fuck your brains out tonight?
Very much so.
All right, but you're keeping quiet or I'm using those bear traps.
[moans] Please do.
[moaning]
-So what now? -What now?
We finally got the evidence we needed to be taken seriously.
[spooky music playing]
Nobody at corporate is ignoring this.
[laughing]
[laughter echoes]
♪ ♪
This was a mistake.
This was a horrible mistake! ng this.